I had an epiphany yesterday... as I read my bible and pondered many things. My life feeling quite broken and empty. Life has been full of pain and confusion - fear and mistrust, I found a glimmer of hope inside my prayers as I finished my morning's activities. If when attempting to heal, you're just bombarded by more and more problems instead of answers, it isn't a healing's way. I had been following a woman's work about being a damaged daughter, and the depth of the carnage continued to pile up. I continued to seek answers for my wounds - and there seemed to be none. Not concrete answers anyway -- every-time I turned around there were further posts on damage, but no real cure... I had begun to over identify with the wounds. I will not be a "wounded woman"... for I have overcome far too much in my life, and I serve God of the Most High - and my beliefs are not in alignment with this vein of thought. Again, my intellect is my own worst enemy. I began to pray for relief ---- Father God, relieve me of my humanness..... and heal my wounds as only You can.... In Jesus precious name.
I've struggled with my issues from/with my Mom my whole life. It had become an identity and I wasn't even aware. Oh how we can let things take ahold of us, and not even realize and here I had this woman telling me that I was HARD wired in my brain to act, think, and react a certain way because of my Mom. It may be true, but I cannot eat, live, breathe, that. Yes, I have problems but I also know that I have a LIVING Savior who IS SEATED besides the right hand of God. I'd gotten lost somewhere in this deal thinking that I had to do the work. Oh my goodness. How foolish I am. My brain. My overactive, "I'll fix it", workaholic, "I got this", over functioning, brain. Like a sheep awaiting slaughter I was. Oh I'm a trooper alright, but a foolish one. When I actually think of this -- this enlightenment was an answer to a prayer. God is my healer. It's already FINISHED. My healing was done 2000 years ago at Calvary.
It's been an interesting week thus far, I'm still passing kidney stones - or NOT passing - they are stuck. I'm still out of work, and nothing I can do about it. This down time was needed. I'm realizing how cruel people can be. People can and will say anything with the help of social media. They will say what they would never say to you to your face. I hate this culture that we have now. It is hard to trust. People all have their own limited views of who you are, and there isn't anything that you can do about it. People's perception of you is, nine times out of ten, not what you think. People will go off on you with out provocation, and without hesitation. They see you through there own lens of disfunction - and pain. I guess in all reality how else could they see you. I thank God I've been taught to see things with objectivity. It's a pain on pain world. If you've possibly hurt them, they'll die trying to hurt you back.
It really seems like God is directing me to live my life without the aid of other people. Seriously. My life continues to be narrowed down more and more to a mere nothingness. I could disappear and no one would be privy. That's ok, there is a reason this is happening. If I am to retreat into myself and God that much, I will be ok. If God is to be my everything, then so be it. I will make do just fine. Apostle Paul went through much worse than I'm going through. So did Jesus. Not that I'm comparing in any way... but to have very little human contact is hard and can be quite distressing at times especially for a chronic pain person. There are things I can do. It should prove to be an interesting summer. I will be grateful for what I have, and rejoice in the answers that God has provided, because I believe that people always show their true colors. God will reveal, always. Any friend that talks about her other friends behind their backs, will talk about you behind your back. Remember that.
I have surgery on the 4th of May. I'll be good as new and my life will return as normal... whatever that is. I'm going to stand fast in the Lord and read God's word for healing and restoration. My intellect is my enemy. My healing is in Christ. When I can remember to yoke up with Him, every single issue in my life is solved. It doesn't make things perfect, or me, by any means -- but it means I have answers where there were none and perfect answers. I can live life in awe and wonder.... as it should be. Having people in your life can be wonderful and devastating both at the same time sometimes. Right now, I just need Jesus.