Monday, May 9, 2016

Lost lives.

I have mixed emotions today.  This has always been a difficult day for me -- having had the childhood that I had.  I realize that I won't be anyone's favorite when I admit that I really dislike Mother's day.  For me, it evokes much distain.  Having had a mother that was mentally ill, cruel, and with such a duality - as much as I wish it hadn't; my mother affected my life quite adversely.  I've never liked Mother's day.  I'd search for hours sometimes trying to find a damn card that said anything near the truth to our flimsy relationship - in all reality it was a love - hate one at best.  Hallmark doesn't really make cards that requite those feelings.  "Dear Mom, I love you --- despite the fact that I have HUGE amounts of time that I can't recall or remember due to your demonic character......"  Those aren't sold on the shelves.  It was a complex relationship at best, I did love her, it was just "scary" love.  Love filled with fear.  As hard as I try,  pray, read, weep, the fear in love or connection with people is still there.  There's few that I trust, even fewer that I let know me, and when I do - it's a double edged sword.  This is what love was for me, it always seemed to hurt somehow.

I've been in incredible pain.  This along with the pain that I live with on a daily basis has just about put me over the edge.  I had a kidney stone obstruction that went on for about 12-14 days.  I finally had surgery last week.  I still have a kidney full of stones.  They kept telling me it wasn't obstructed, and I knew better.  They wouldn't pass.  I was in agonizing pain,  One of my friends after a misunderstanding with another friend... in which I'd hoped for support with, actually told me to get off my pity party.  Needless to say her and I are not friends anymore.  She seemed to think that she understood my pain.  I cannot imagine saying something like that to a matter what the circumstances.  She said that being supportive of me what a challenge.  That's interesting.  I found this very interesting.  Of course people come to you through the veil of their own pain - emotional and spiritual.  I guess in all actuality I shouldn't have expected anything more.

It's been a long time since I've thought about expectations and the problems that they bring.  I used to be very good at not having them.  That was back in my A.A. days - for it's one of their philosophies.  The less you expect the better off you are.  I lost someone else this week that I fully know was a result of my relationship, and it's affects with my mother.  When I begin to get close to someone, especially a man, I panic.  I get frightened on a level that I'm not even aware.  My mind races, and I get out of control.  I've lost several people like this... and it is part of the root of my anxiety.  He too, just disappeared.  I don't get a chance to explain  - and really after the way that I behave sometimes, why should they let me explain?  It's a pretty unattractive trait.  I wish I knew the answer to getting to the root of this.  This is exactly what I've prayed for God to heal.  You see, I had begun to care for this man, and that's when it happens, when someone starts to get close.  I suppose awareness is half the battle, however I'm getting really tired of looking at this dysfunction of mine and not knowing what to do with it.

We all have our stuff.  Some of us have more stuff than others.... but we all have it.  Even this guy - he has stuff.  None of us are perfect.  He didn't even have the guts to tell me,  he didn't think it would work out.  He just stopped talking to me.  Men are great at that.

So the numbers keep racking up of the people that I've lost.  It's never easy.  I keep wondering when I'm going to learn this lesson, and I keep praying for healing.  Actually I haven't really been able to pray here lately.  I'm sort of numb.  When I screw up and I know it's my fault like with the guy - and I know it's my childhood dysfunction -- it makes me really sad.  I get depressed.  I've been depressed, in horrible pain and out of touch with God.  I hate this fear that I feel.  I wish fear didn't exist.  Oh, I've read all the books, and I've done the work, but I still have it.  The only way that I truly believe that I'll ever get over it is for someone to love me through it.  Someone that is strong enough to see past it.  I don't know if there is that person alive.  I pray there is, I pray.  Someone that won't abandon me when it gets tough.  Someone that see's my scars and can still love me.  I realize that this is a tall order - and maybe I'm hoping for too much, but I truly believe this is the only way that I'm going to heal.  Love heals, unconditional love.  I know of it, I try my best to give it to my friends, and it's what my father taught me.  I thank God for my father, for with out him - I don't think I would have survived.

As I approach the anniversary of my Dad's death - once again, I reflect on his character.  Dad was a wonderful man.  A true man of integrity.  My whole aim in life is to be his daughter, and carry on his legacy.  It is very hard to be all the things that he was in today's society.  I fail miserably often times, yet I pick myself up.  I write so that others may know that they are not alone in life's struggles.  Hopefully, that somewhere, somehow, we're all in this together.  Shared experience makes for lesson's learned - hopefully.  As I've shared throughout these four years, I've hit bottom many times, yet here I am.  There is always hope.  God is our hope.  He is our guiding light in an ever present darkness.  I'll find my way through this dysfunctional behavior somehow, with His help.  He will answer my prayers - for He always does.  Sometimes the weeding out of people is necessary.  I don't always like it - but God know's best.  I believe my healing is coming --- and I'm going to stand in that truth.  God has brought me to far for me to live my life in this kind of hell.  I don't like hurting people, it kills me.  No more then I like being hurt.  It's just not what God intended.  I just have to have faith, and hang on.  And so do you......hope springs eternal, Jesus is our healer.  

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