Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Elements of Change.

As much as I welcome change in some areas of my life - there are those certain elements that I just want to fight with everything in me.  I've known for months that this change had/has to come about, however I'm having a great deal of difficulty surrendering to it.  Despite the fact that it has reeked havoc in my life, the consequences are great ---I just do not want to have to do this work.  It isn't that I cannot overcome this - because I know that I'm capable.  The fact of the matter is..... I don't want to, and I suppose if truth be told, I'm struggling with willingness.  This is really insane, and it's multilayered with emotions, behavior, as well as full well knowing that my life is not going to get better if I do not submit to how powerless I truly am with this mixed mass of issues.

Change is hard, no matter how we approach it.  Some people resolve themselves to never change - and man, am I grateful that I'm not one of them.  Depending upon the type of change -- it can be life altering.  Of course, much of it (as with most things in life) depends upon how we process it in our minds.  It depends upon how hard we fight it, what beliefs we have about it, and what we expect of the outcome.  This is true of everything.  Our own unique perception plays such a huge part.  Still knowing this, life can yet throw us curveballs.  I tend to believe that our intuition will warn us of possible roadblocks -- but sometimes we are taken off guard.  We as humans can't possibly be mindful of everything that could possibly go wrong.  With that said, therein lies the vulnerability of change.

People, especially friends, family, loved ones, and non-addictive types of folks often judge those of us that have lost control of chemicals (including alcohol, money, sex, etc.) so harshly --- because they just do not understand and cannot place themselves in the addicted person's shoes.   I'm a strong believer of "We fear what we do not understand."  Fear isn't an emotion that most folks are comfortable with either!  We mask it (just like emotional pain) as all sorts of other things - rage is easier, resentment is easier ...and so much more powerful as is anger.  Oft times anger and depression is unreleased grief and pain.  It amazes me how so much of the time, we'll forgo the root of the emotional distress for something else ( and sometimes it's like autopilot ) because what was allowed in our childhoods.  Most of the time, we're not even aware that we do it.  Talk about confusing - and destructive in relationships... the expressed emotions aren't even what's really going on with the person.  There can be no resolution!

I'm immensely grateful as I write this that I have done the work, and that I know myself.  Oh, please I'm far from being perfect at it - I still get scared at times.  Emotional work is hard, I don't care how you slice it because it is a risk.  The longer time goes on and we hide behind technology.... the less real we have to be (just my opinion.)  I'm blessed to have the few people that I have in my life that are genuine, know themselves, and aren't afraid to be real.  This is precious in this day and time.

I have to give up my credit cards.  This is where all of the above thought process came from.  It is not going to be easy.... because I spend/shop addictively.  I do it for a myriad of reasons - but it gives me the same "high", regardless.  In all honesty, I don't want to do this.... but I know that I have to.  It feels scary.  It feels unfair.  I'm not certain how it's unfair, other than I really like and enjoy it.  I know in my heart of hearts that it has to be done.  I will never get ahead if I don't.  I want a bright future, the way that things are going - this is not going to happen if I don't get this under control now.  As with anything that's done addictively - it's a dual edged sword.  It's all good when I'm purchasing the things that I want - but it doesn't take long at all for the remorse to set in.  I'm tired of the mass of feelings that go with it.  I'm tired of trying to justify it, (there just isn't any anymore) and the consequences are quite much.  I know too,  I am healthier than this, and smarter than this.  I just allow myself to get caught up in the moment or more like it "the lie."

Thursday is probably going to be "D" day for  me.  I see my therapist and it's already been discussed. I'm not certain how I feel inside (there is a conglomerate of emotions) however, seems like most of it is sadness and fear.  That may sound silly to some of you - but if you haven't been there ------don't judge.  I know that God has got me and I'll be okay.  Of this I'm sure.  Thank you Jesus.

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