So much thought this a.m. I've been up since 2. My mind has pretty much been ablaze since I saw my therapist last week. I know what needs to be done - yet I am not certain how. I suppose if I am brutally honest, along with not being certain as to the how - I'm afraid of what follows. I'm not even fully certain what I mean by this. All that I know is that we as humans maintain identities for ourselves throughout life. We think of ourselves in various ways, and we become quite attached to these manifestations in our minds. I am the survivor (from multiple things) of a mentally ill mother, along with various other things, which hindered my life in devastating ways. I'm a survivor of trauma, and this is how it has it has been for many years. It has affected every aspect of my life. As deeply as I regret, I believe that this has become my identity. Actually I know that I've identified with it, because I've prided myself as becoming an overcomer. But now - the deeper that I explore this --- and it's anguish - in attempts to free myself from it, there is fear of letting it go. I can only imagine how peculiar this must sound, and I admit that somewhat unwillingly......
Change involves letting go of control of outcomes. People whom have been traumatized have really difficult times with letting go of control, especially in certain areas. This is one for me. Really - what will happen, who will I be if I idon'thave these issues? Trust me I know how sick that sounds. I've experienced so much loss in my life - I truly do not know. Believe you me, I do not want to look at this. This is about as humbling as it gets.
I know from my A.A. days that acceptance is crucial. I have to stop looking for the proverbial "answer" as to why my mother did not love me. I have to stop trying to figure this out intellectually. There just are no easy of quick fix answers. Besides that it's answers of the heart that I'm seeking - not answers in my mind. My mind, my ever over functioning mind is just trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense. My mother had a history - she had a childhood, she could only do what she knew - yes she treated me different than she did my brothers. I cannot, cannot change this. This is fact. The sooner that I accept this - the better off I'll be. Many families went through the same kind of circumstances with these very issues as I did. Chances are my mother may very well have had postpartum depression when it was unheard of. I know that she was sick when she gave birth to me, and I was a very sick infant. I failed to thrive and was hospitalized several times, and almost died. I was sick as I grew up, hospitalized much of the time with bladder and kidney infections. I'm sure that wasn't easy. I demanded a lot of care. I wouldn't eat. I also know what my mom's childhood was like, and it was not pretty. I would not have wanted to have been her. There's just facts in there that I don't understand but even if I did, it wouldn't change anything!
What I've been through, my experience has made me who I am. I like who I am. One of the greatest compliments that I've ever gotten in my life was when I was counseling, and leaving a particular job. At the going away party, my supervisor said, "When I think of Gina, I think of the word integrity." Who could ask for anything more? It's all I've ever really wanted to be perceived as in life, a person of integrity.
This is no easy process. This letting go/acceptance process. However it's got to be done. I'm so tired of being defined by it (yes you can be both afraid and tired) and it's effects on my whole life. I'm so tired of it affecting my relationships, friendships, and how I live my life. I'm exhausted at how I search to fill the void where the bond with my mother should have been. I'm exasperated at, all the while knowing my loneliness is based in an emotional ache that no single person can fill. I've got to heal that myself - or forever be unfulfilled.
We oft think that we fool ourselves. Oh how we try. We stay busy, we distract ourselves with this and that -- but there is always that little quite voice that whispers what we truly need, and it doesn't stop. I want to live authentically and listen to it. For me that voice is the Holy Spirit - and the voice of all truth. It will never lead me astray. God has never, ever let me down. I know that I'm at this junction because it is where I need to be. I deserve a better life, without so much discord and strife. The problems that I have are all stemmed from my family issues. I'm certain of this. It's time, beyond time, to accept and move forward. This weight is more than I can bare alone.
God knows my heart. God knows my need - I am in agreement with Him in healing. I trust Him. He will guide me in what I need, be it people to help me heal - or whatever manifestations I need. He already has the prayer answered, in His eyes I'm already healed. I thank Him for answering prayers that I cannot see yet, and the strength to get there. May you too be blessed by my struggles, and my sharing, Thank you Jesus. God Bless you.