Friday, December 30, 2016

Intellect's Betrayal

I see my Doctor today and I've much on my mind.  He dropped the bomb on me last week, and I've got several decisions to make.  I've since discovered that I'm pretty sure I am a victim of identity theft.  I cannot even get into my own credit report.  It was asking me about a mortgage - and I don't own a house? So I'm pretty freaked out.  I was extremely anxious yesterday, not sure what to do - I tried to contact equifax, to no avail. I'll figure something out, still but man does my stomach hurt.  I could totally use prayer right  now.  

At this juncture - I know that nothing can be done to me with out my consent.  I want to make that loud and clear.  However, some form of intervention needs to take place - I've been out of control with my spending, and my credit cards are overwhelming right now.  I could be making a car payment on what I'm paying out a month.  It feels ugly, sick, and awful.  I realize that it doesn't do any good to beat myself up - but boy is it easy to do - it comes first hand for me.  My Mom taught me how to be an expert at it.  All and all, I want people to know that the Grace of God still stands strong in my life.  This is what I've come to in these past few days.  If I never pay another credit card bill, and I forgo everything ---- God still will love me more than I can EVER comprehend.  I'm the one that isn't able to conceptualize His love for me.  I'm the one that is at the loss here.  If I were able to accept, engulf, become, participate, in who I actually am to God - I'd never make another compulsive decision (if it's really a decision) again.  An I know this in the bottom of my heart.  I'm the one at fault here.  I am unable to conceive of the depth of God's love for me, and who I am (in all actuality) in Christ Jesus.  I've been taught, and I've studied for myself - but for reasons unbeknown to me completely - I have not accepted, digested, or put on the new man I am in Christ.

If I were able to, I would listen to the Holy Spirit inside of me.  I'd be led by it's promptings.  I'd not make an inaccurate decision - with the acceptation of a mistake here or there out of being human --- . Now, you may ask yourself if I know this... why am I living the manner in which I am living?  Well, this is the $24,000.00 question.  I believe I know the answer _ and I believe that I know what Doc would say... WORTHINESS.  I don't feel worthy of this bounty.  Worthy of this incredible love.  Even after four mind-blowing years of Pastor Paul White, glorious grace pastoral care, I was unable to take ownership.  He probably knew.  Even with all my scars removed, my shame eliminated, my sin erased, I still could not take that final completion step.  An I am at a loss as to what to do now.  These are hard wired issues, ones that have been with me for decades.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't as if I do not think God able --- oh no, He is MORE than able.  It is I that is deficient.  It is I that is failing as the recipient.  And I do not mean that to sound like Nancy negative.  I'm merely being honest.  As an anxious avoidant type - because of my lack of relationship with my mother --- it's only quite normal.  But there I go again, limiting the Almighty.  My intellect is my undoing.  An I wish I knew how to stop.  Sometimes I wish I weren't so brave.  I wish  I weren't so self-sufficient.  I just push God right out the window.  It is my undoing.

Only God has these answers.  I'm fooling myself attempting to figure this out.  I try and figure every last blasted thing out.  That is my greatest weakness.  Surrender is the answer.  I need to let go of the answers.  Somehow I have to let God show me.  I've gotten myself - by the power of my own will, in one hell of a mess.  I've been running away from grief, anger, feelings of betrayal, etc.  I don't like to feel and I don't know too many addictive type humans that do.  If I don't take care of these core issues - they are going to eat me alive.  I'm trying.  I am attempting to.  I've somehow got to stop beating myself so mercilessly.  It serves no purpose.   There is no such thing as a perfect person.  I struggle so much to grow - because who I am, isn't good enough.  That is the never-ending message.  An somehow it's got to be erased.  Only God can do that.

Hell yeah, I'm scared.  I'm not perfect.  That's some crap that my mother tried to instill in me, and it's insane.  Fear is a liar.  And anxiety breeds untruth.  Today I'm okay.  I have faith that I'll receive everything that I need.  Jesus has my answers.  His grace has always been the way.  His mercy is so precious.  Just because I don't believe in myself has nothing to do with Him believing in me.  He can and will answer my prayers in exceeding abundance, and glorious grace.

Father God, I submit to you my intellect.  I humbly ask for your wisdom in it's place.  I've been exceedingly willful Father, and I have become too invested in the things of this world.  Please help me Father, to seek Your will, with all my heart - and to do as You would have me do.  Father please bless and keep those that read about my life, I  pray abundance and mighty favor over their lives.  In Jesus holy name, Amen.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

As Reality Sets In

On this Eve of Christmas, there's a great deal on my mind.  I wonder about the upcoming year and how the changes that are about to befall me will truly affect my life.  Of course I cannot know, I can only attempt to envision what those changes might bring - but my greatest battle is with my mind.  

I am a hopeful person. I used to dispense hope for a living. It was my purpose.  I'd spring out of bed, excited for the day's work.  I loved most everything that I did.  I got the unique and unforgettable glimpse at watching people grow, right before my very eyes.  That rarity will always be with me, forged in my memory - indelible, for life.  When I lost this, I lost my purpose.  Yes, I did it, and there is nothing that can take this away - and it is still who I am, but I no longer get to witness such a miraculous gift.  I grieve.  

When my Father died, life as I knew it, ceased to exist.  My Father was a formidable force in my life. He wasn't your average dad, for if you've read my blog - you know that I had an extremely estranged relationship with my mom.  Therefore, my Father's importance was increased ten fold.  My Father's life as a child was difficult, his relationship with his mother - he was separated from her around the age of 10 I think, and placed with his Grandmother.  An abandonment of sorts.  Daddy would get ready for school, and right before he left, Great Grandmother Burr would tell him, "If I die today, you have to decide where you're going to go."  Quite the devastation to have to even comprehend for a little boy - who's been removed from the mother that he loved, placed with a different parental figure, to worry about death and then those consequences.  Daddy never uttered an unkind word about any of his childhood experiences, despite what he went through.  I get my hope from my Dad.  But I digress.  He was my rock, my friend, my protector, my cheerleader, he just was always there. No questions asked, he taught me what unconditional love is and how to love others that way ---- and accept people for who they are.  He taught me to be a giver, not a taker in life - and to give from your heart.  And I grieve. 

Grief is an interesting thing.  I've experienced it, and I've witnessed it in other people.  What I know is if you don't get a handle on it, grief can and will destroy your life.  As hard as I've tried to process through mine, being an addictive type of person, it's become the ruin of mine.  I don't know if I'm the one at fault, or if it is because I did not grieve properly.  However, as I write this post I've pushed the envelope with my addictive spending to the place where I am no longer going to have choices.  Things are going to be put into place where I cannot have access to my own money.  As I sit here, I am attempting to process this.  I've been reading about treatment, but I know that my insurance won't pay for it.  Alas, it's traditional treatment I'm sure which I've had.  I'm torn, because I know that in reality this needs to be done, yet - I surely don't want this.  I feel defeated, and many other things that aren't even worth mentioning.  I'm going to loose access to the net also.  As far as I know right now - I'm going to try and write on a flash drive and post at the library.  The process is going to be wild.  As addictive and compulsive as I am - my addiction is bound to come out somewhere else.  But then again, I am not giving God credit nor my Doctor - because he completely obliterated my cravings yesterday.  Doc is amazing.  

My mind wants to go to that nasty, negative place.  Where I'm a failure, an idiot, and just downright stupid.  I cannot let this happen.  I am a child of God.  I am at a jumping off place and something has to occur.  I've ask for a miracle an perhaps this is it.  I know Doc is a miracle because none of the other practitioners have done for me what he is doing.  I am truly grateful.  I don't have to like this, that's okay.  Sometimes change is hard.  This can either be hard or I can make the best of it.  I know it's going to be difficult at first, and I'm going to go through a withdraw of sorts.  This is to be expected.  What I need do now is focus on the positive.  I asked for help and I'm getting it.  

I have not been praying.  Oh I throw a short prayer here and there for people - but I've not had a heart to heart with the Lord in a while.  This is a huge part of my difficulty.  Gina's been doing what she wants, and this is not good.  Since my beloved pastor left, that grief has been hard too.  Overall, it's been a good year, I've just not been as close to God as I'd like to be and no one is to blame but me.  This is going to change.  

Despite my reality - I hope with all I have that each one of you have beautiful holidays!  Filled with lots of family and friends.... love an laughter.  I Hope its rich with traditions, old and new.  May we always remember Christ at Christmas even if it's not the exact time of His birth, it's when we celebrate it.  Love your families, hug them extra hard, tell them what your thinking, and do what's on your mind, don't put it off.  Tomorrow's not promised to any of us.  

Thank you Jesus for my friends...

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Addiction, Denial & Hope.

I have so much on my mind this morning, I'm not sure where to start.  Sorry it has been so long between posts.  I'm just now listening to meditation music trying to gain some clarity, and attempt to make some decisions.  It's not always easy - when we have made bad decisions, and have to look at the consequences --- and live in our mess.  We are all human and invariably we're drawn to what makes us feel good, be it buying something new, indulging in a comfort food, or seeking out the company of another human when suffering.  I believe wholeheartedly that all of these things are perfectly normal.  The difficulty lies in err when we do so when putting ourselves in some kind of danger, our finances in shambles, or health in jeopardy.  Extremes are the problems, and these are the things of the addict.  Things, situations - a lifestyle if you will, that is either black or white with no grey areas.  It's all or nothing.  This is not reality -- because life is full of choices, but the addict does not see those other choices.  With one main goal, to abate the pain inside, we always make the extreme choice -- to get the most pleasure out of our experiences.  This is what people do not understand --- and it has nothing to do with anyone else but the addict themselves - whom at this juncture is one of the most selfish, self-centered, ego-driven humans on the planet.  All of these things merged and enveloped with mind-blowing denial.

People don't understand denial and how it works.  Really don't understand denial, because it's a classic component of addiction/alcoholism.  It blinds the addict - to consequences, to hurting loved ones, to hurting self.  We oft wonder how can he or she steal from family and friends, and still stand there and look them in the eye?  DENIAL.  It isn't just a theory - it is an absolute in this disease.  It protects the user from the emotional consequences of what they do, to themselves and those around them -- and it propels them to continue to use.  An addict can justify anything, absolutely anything when it comes to what they need to get more drugs, or alcohol from you no matter what the method might be.  Manipulation, theft, deception, it doesn't matter, they're classic coping skills for the abuser, and denial paves the way for them.                              I can justify anything I want to purchase - anything when I'm wanting it, and all the consequences in the world won't stop me from making that purchase.... it's that rush of dopamine (and many other brain chemicals) that I get when I purchase said item.  It's all a chemically induced payoff whether or not it be natural chemicals, or foreign ones.

I've been battling with my addictions since my Father passed, and possibly before - but especially since the loss of my Dad.  I'm in an addictive cycle.  I can no longer deny it.  Shopping may seem mild as an addiction to some, but trust me when it comes time to pay, it's no joke.  It is/ has greatly affected my ability to live.  I'm totally at a crossroads with this.  I continue to shop despite the fact that I cannot survive on and pay out the bills that I have.  My loneliness/grief issues and the "never enough" place inside of me - is ruining my life.  I am an addictive type of person.  Lately, I've made some very poor choices, and I have put myself in some pretty scary situations out of being so desperately tired of being alone.  Hence, there were consequences - and I am totally remorseful, but I cannot change my actions.  It's been a long time since I've felt shame.  However, it is an emotion that I believe for me, is there for a reason, at least this time.  You can bet, I will not do it again.  I've suffered all week long.

My EMDR therapy has been going well, if you can call delving into traumatic memories ... an easy thing.  I believe it is what has my addictive behavior on the rise.  This is tough stuff.  I adore my Doctor - he is so damned intelligent, and an answer straight from God.  He is the absolute first professional that has answers for me that make complete sense.  I thank God for Doc.  I have some decisions to make because he and I both know that in order to heal, somethings have to change.  Somehow, someway, the cycle has to be broken.

I may very well have to stop this blog, and remove myself from the internet completely.  This is something that I'm pondering.  I don't ever get any feedback, so I suppose, despite that fact that I try to educate, enlighten, and dispense hope - my blog has really served no purpose other than therapeutically for myself.  I dislike this, but I must accept what is.  I'd always felt guided to write about my experiences, if for no other reason than to let someone know that they aren't alone.  This, and to help enlighten people from the perspective of an addicts mind.  Addiction is so misunderstood.  However,  perhaps I've failed to do this, or there is just some angle that I am just unaware that prevent people from communicating.  At any rate, these next few blogs, may indeed - be my last.

I wholeheartedly believe that if I have to remove myself from this venue - God will help me find another way, method of dispensing hope.  It may not look like I have hope with what is written above, but - believe you me, I'm full of it.  I will always be.  Despite my defective choices, God still is my refuge.  He's still my strength.  I'm the one in err.  If I'd look to Him for answers, I'd find them, it is my failings and lack of reaching out (and doing it MY way) that get me into trouble.  These trust issues, sadly I say come from my childhood.  God is not at fault.  He has given me many a miracle.  I will never deny that.  There are good things in my life, and this is what I aim to focus upon.  We are what we believe.  Lately, I've been stuck in a mire of obsessing over my behavior - and it's stopping now.  God is, and ever shall be my guiding light, a lamp to my feet, and my saving Grace.
God Bless you,
Merry Christmas,
and what ever your season brings!!!
Save Travels.