Showing posts from February, 2016

A Stark Reality.

It sort of shakes inside my frame.  This unsteady place that I've reached.  It's very uncomfortable to be here, matter of fact it feels quite unsafe.  Unstable.  A bit akin a cliff, an edge to some foreign place for me emotionally -- a state that I do not yet know.  It feels sharp, yet fresh because it is new but not without a great deal of fear.

As I delve deeper into the book, I am having all sorts of memories flood back from my childhood.  Things that I do not necessarily want to remember.  The times that I would hide.  I'd hide for hours on end, under the table, in the closet.  I was frightened, horribly by my own mother.  Mom was a Jekyll  and Hyde most of the time... I just never knew when was which, and who was going to show up.  I lived most of my childhood in terror.  I tried to anticipate her every mood -- staying astutely attuned to her as I possibly could as to not set her off.  Still one never knew.

It takes a great deal of courage, guts, and truth acceptin…

The Relentless Journey.....from head to heart.

This is the picture of my current quest.  These two books my mates.  My first reading of the day is: "Jesus Calling", by Sarah Young.  I read this one first for it's inspiration and strength building in the Lord..... and it's wonderful messages, just as if Jesus himself were speaking to you.  I personally, find it quite uplifting and heartfelt.  I read the ascribed scriptures, in which I find much comfort.

The second book is: " Mean Mothers"- Overcoming a Legacy of Hurt.  I suppose the name pretty much says it all.  For those that are faint of heart - and that have a hard time imagining a mother as anything other than the virgin Mary --- take heed, because this is going to get hairy.  I've written previously about some of the issues that I had with my mom, but I'm now on a mission to HEAL.  I'm dedicated to break the power that this relationship had/has over me and my relationships ( and with  myself).  I would be honored if whomever would fol…

Precious Timing.

What a difference a few days can make.  While my life is still in flux - and I am still struggling with my coping skills, (and or addictive behaviors) I received some wonderful news.  A new beginning is in process for me, something that I've been working towards for a few months now.  I have been wanting to return to school to acquire a skill so that the job search dare not seem so daunting.  

Prior to loosing my job, I had been investigating the possibility of going back to school to become a nail technician.  It's not a glamours job - but it would be fun and a creative outlet.  My problem has been centered around funding.  The educational portion is only 400 hours so there is no option for a Pell grant or student loans --- but with my being disabled, I qualify for Vocational Rehabilitation.  What I had been struggling with was that I was being tested (at least it felt like it) to gather information, shadow other nail techs, and ask prospective employers about possible employ …

The Edge.

I adore Marianne Williamson.  For me, her words so profound - it's like reading in velvet.  She has been such a part of my self-discovery and inner journey that I hold her in such high esteem.  I just recently purchased a book of her prayers - and I'm not sure why I did, I cannot seem to find the mindfulness to read it.  I am in an odd, odd place as of late.  One that I don't quite know that I've been before.

I am so tired of battling fear and the emptiness in my life - that this feels like a jumping off place.  I called my best friend this morning in tears - and all it seems that I can see is loss.  My distrust has my life barren.  It isn't as if I don't know why.  My Mom passed a few weeks ago - and I have been unable to grieve.  I've lost my job and have been so stuck that I cannot even look for work. My coping behaviors have me imprisoned.  I lost my job because I wasn't paying attention, and was somewhere I shouldn't have been anyway - with s…