Extraction of Thought

 Life is either a daring adventure or nothing – Helen Keller.

I feel exhilarated at this moment.  I have been through a difficult patch and it isn't over quite yet.  This last few months have been the most heart wrenching that I have experienced since my father passed in 2010.  I do not admit that light of heart.  My experiences with human beings is and will more than likely continue to be a learning process.  Allowing people into your life- and the acceptance of this risk is and will always be something that I will weight consequences of differently now- and for the rest of my life.  From this moment on.  I am not the kind of person that experience intense closeness and radical loss well at all.  It is extremely difficult for my psyche.  I have no idea what kind of person this makes me, and I really don't care - I write in hopes of someone possibly learning something from my journey, not to be judged by it.  I am the type of person that does apply themselves with their best intentions.  I miss the mark, plenty of times, however, I do try to be a better version of myself than I was the day before.   I often am misaligned and go astray but I do my utmost and I  have good intentions.  I'm probably rambling.  Forgive me.  I've much on my mind.

If you've ever noticed - the expression of a seed is absolutely beyond our comprehension ---it is an amazing thing.  It literally explodes in coming to life.  I love the above saying, I have ever since I set eyes on it.  It's very true.  Change often brings chaos.  We can easily (or I can) lose my way in the attempt to find a new or better way of thinking - perceiving - or just being.  I know for myself, anytime I step out into unfamiliar territory, unchartered waters - I encounter resistance often - and fear.  Vulnerability will raise its ugly head.  It is strange sometimes for me, I can want the change or the acceptance quite much but I will still have resistant thoughts of why I can't do it or why I shouldn't.  Change can often be so daunting- even good change.  All of it produces stress.  We are such creatures of habit.  Any deviation from our norm and our minds as well as our emotions - revolt.  Mine do.  I've also seen many clients when I was working in addiction have the same types of responses.  Resistance always surprised me, especially when it was welcomed change.  It is as if we don't trust our own choices and there is a lash back from our inner knowing.  Like "who's driving here??" "Do you really know what you're doing?"  We distrust our own choices and have second doubts.   We actually fight our own intuition.    This is our ultimate inner guide.  But what do we do?  Distrust it.   What is so sad for those of us that are Christian --- it is our intuition -- but for me, it is also the Holy Spirit guiding me.  Could there be anything MORE ACCURATE???   For crying out loud.

My beloved Pastor of five years --(some time ago now) used to talk about this being our "red light, green light, system of knowing."  It was so tenderly stated as God's traffic system for us to know when to go and when not to make decisions in life via our intuition - and the Holy Spirit inside of those of us who accept Christ as our Savior.   The really insane thing is -- I can sometimes push past, an resist even this.  That is crazy.  But I have done it -- I hope I am not alone here.  The is totally where free will rubber hits the road.  We all have the ultimate choice over what we decide to do and why.  Or what we decide not to do or with whom.  I have helped people that I knew at the time either they were partially lying, or at least of all not being fully forthright with me.  It's my choice.  I've also watched closely as I felt another person's feelings and have fully known how they felt -- and have them flat out deny it.  It's a trip. Sometimes people cannot accept how they feel.  They won't because it either isn't familiar or isn't appropriate - or whatever.  However, I can almost always detect other's emotions.  It's a gift that God gave me.   I've been verbally attacked over the information before, and various other things.  I have wished a few times that I did not possess such a gift.  Sometimes it's a knowing that hurts your heart.  Especially when you know in your heart of hearts someone truly cares for you and they end up walking away.  That hurts more than one can imagine unless you've experienced it for yourself.  Even understanding doesn't bring peace, I've shared this with you all -- and it especially does not bring peace to the heart.  I have peace in my heart because of Jesus - don't get me wrong - but when you love someone so much that you don't even understand it yourself it is haunting.  It's a lot like a piercing in your heart that just won't heal.  Somehow it cannot.  You aren't sure how it got there, to begin with, any clue how to remove it, or where to go for help. Also what I understand about the heart is that it wants what it wants and it cares little about rules, regulations, fines, fees, or anything of this matter.  The heart really doesn't care who gets hurt in order for it to get what it needs.  It says in the Bible the heart is a deceiver.  I believe this.  It's really kind of scary.  But what I do know most -- is when I love someone wholeheartedly it's pretty much a lifetime deal.  I don't do that lightly and it seems to happen of its own accord.  However, I can affect its healing process.

I have been all over the place tonight guys, forgive me.  I have been off kilter for awhile - but there is hope!!!  I am coming back to center.  I feel it.  Things are going more in the right direction.  I have quite a few financial problems right now - but it either will or won't work out.  But I just got to do an amazing thing for someone and I feel good about what I was able to do.  It was from my heart.  I don't even care if it was appreciated if there was gratitude -- all that is completely out of my hands!!! The outcome means little.  I mean - what feelings were involved about what I did.  I did what I did out of the goodness of my heart - and I gave out of my lack.  That is what my Jesus would do.  I love every last thing about that.  With all my heart.  If it never comes back --- so be it.  I could care less.  I have made enough mistakes in my lifetime and I have recently hurt people that I love out of my inability to focus and THINK about what I was doing BEFORE I did what I did.  It wasn't even like me.  So I'm dealing with that behavior.  I don't like hurting people, I can't hardly deal with hurting people I love.  This is incomprehensible to me.  Losing all self-awareness is frightening.  Getting caught up in your emotions to the point where you do not think about the consequences of your actions???  There are no words.  Ineffable. Unexcusable.

I've never needed anyone to give me constructive feedback.  I have a committee of experts that live in my head that live for just that prime opportunity --- day in, day out.  Do You?  I always have.  It started with good old mom.  But you know what?  I fired the whole lot of them!  Gave them the rest of their lives off.  I don't need them anymore.  Actually never did.   Please do not think that what I am saying is that I am never wrong - or will never listen to feedback -- far from that.  No, indeed.  My main concern in life is not who is right - but what is right.  Therein lies the humble in humility.  That I like.  There is no big me, little anybody.

Forgive my feeblemindedness this time.  I did have a method to my madness.  I wanted to share about change.  I did.  I can tell we're close to a full moon.  It always kind of upsets my spirit.  I read something to the effect of it's going to be another super moon and also some kind of Wolf moon?   Who knows.  I do know that we're steady approaching a brand new year.  I don't know how I feel about this just yet.  I'm not sure (like it matters) I am ready yet.  I guess it doesn't much matter it is going to come in regardless.  I am always hopeful.

I cannot recall if I shared with you all about Quora?  I have quite a reputation there now.  I have answered many, many questions.  I love it.  I have something along the lines of 11.7 k views on my answers?  They like my answers, they request my answers.  It's really cool.  Go and check out my profile if you'd like.  Ask a question - if you want.  You can request for me to answer or leave it open for anyone.  I mostly do Psychology, grief, counseling, life experience, addiction, stuff like that.  OH!!  I'm very excited too ---- I submitted my blog to a bigger writers blog - who is looking for budding writers.   I submitted the blog I have that has been read the most - like almost 1,000 times.  Who'd a thunk it?  Little ole me.  Life is amazing - most of the time!!!  Live it, give it your best shot.

This is my musical tribute to the upcoming year 2018.  This is my girl and this is my song.  It's not just for me,  let it empower us all.  

I AM SUPERWOMAN, YES I AM, YES SHE IS...
EVEN WHEN I'M  MESS, I STILL PUT ON MY VEST, WITH AN "S" ON MY CHEST 
OH YES, 
BECAUSE...
I'M A SUPERWOMAN -- YES I AM!!!! YEAH!

Happy New Years!! 

Please Be Safe 

Talk to you soon,

G.