Like sweet nectar from heaven - this woman conveys heart piercing emotion with the soulfulness of her luscious voice. Adele has probably made as much of an impact upon my life with a song - or at the very least she is really high on the scale of vocalists who have the utmost ability to transform me ultimately to musical nirvana. The power that she embodies - ineffable. It amazes and I am in such awe of the power music has to quicken - as well as overtake, our mind, heart, our souls.
This song speaks for me today. It speaks to me. It is an anthem at a time, in a season if you will, of my life when so much emotion exists that I am completely unable to discern one from the other. I will confess readily that the greatest of them all is the intense emotional pain. Grief, anguish, anxiety-- and that just is to name a few. When I am able to think - which seems to be a rarity as of late --- I have such an overwhelming desire to go home. The difficulty wherein this lies -- because I do not actually have a place to call home. Oh, there's this building that houses my things - but it isn't what I remember home feeling like, at all. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the apartment, it's quite nice - but it is a far cry from being a home. It is a dwelling that contains my belongings, and I do find rest as well as a safety here. However, it is lacking the warmth, comfort, contentment, and most of all companionship as well as gatherings of deeply loved humans. I think this is what home is mostly like. Mine is not. However, I thank Jesus I have a roof (a good solid, warm, safe) over my head, the rent is paid --- an everything in it is mine. Praise God! It just not like I remember nor in my heart of heart's desire.
Nothing in my life at this very moment is like I desire. Absolutely nothing. I know that pain has no memory and I praise God for this. Emotional pain is kind of different. We do, I believe recall the trials in life that we go through - but I still believe that if we truly work thoroughly through the grief --- the memory is and should not be so painful. I will be enormously beyond grateful when this war that is raging inside of me is past. Never have I had a season quite like this. It seems like no matter what I do, no matter where I turn, who I encounter - the end result is pain. I'm hurting people that I love. I'm hurting people that I try to help. Everything I seem to encounter ends up in anguish. I -----yes me, I cannot even talk to God right now. I can't read my bible - I cannot read my Jesus Calling book- it's like I'm either so full of sorrow or I am just dead inside. Like there is so much emotion and I cannot handle it --- or "hello, anybody home?" I do not know this type of season in life, I have never been here before. At least I don't recall it. If I have been here ---- I kind of would like to remember because I could use the coping skills. Big time. Please know I am not writing looking for pity nor anyone to feel sorry for me --- I do not feel sorry for myself. I've told all of you before - self-pity to me is an ugly, nasty, entity. I just won't allow it. Nope. Not going there. We play with the hand of cards we have been dealt. We do the best we can with what we have----period. Yeah, this sucks. There has been many ---- and I mean MANY days I have cried ALL day. So?
I don't really find myself to be someone that wallows in crap for long. The reason I do allow myself to feel even though all of you know I'd rather cut my nose off to spite my face than go through this-- That junk just isn't my thing. But you know what? We are sometimes, unfortunately--- humans. As uncomfortable as this can be to wear this skin suit... it's just how it is. Do I sometimes rebel? I think everyone knows the answer to that. I think we all do. I mean who in their right mind would want to feel horribly intense emotional pain or grief? You'd have to be neurotic.
I am not certain how, or why, nor when this --- well I wrote that then it dawned on me. I was going to say I didn't know how I am able to pick myself back up--- but I do. It's God. I'm just in so much awful pain right now and if I know anything ------that kind of pain will make us feel separate ourselves from God. I'm not certain why this happens, however, I know that it does. I have been through it before. That pain somehow blocks our ability to sense God. It's the easiest time in our lives to blame God (we all need a scapegoat) and He is really handy. Most folks (I say most.. I don't typically know) don't understand the Word of God --- and won't read it. It's our handbook for life. It's the only book I know of in which speaks directly to the heart --- and is fully alive. (Thank You, Jesus!!!)
I do not and I mean I DO NOT lose people well. I have reasons for this. Lots of reasons. If I love them deeply, and what I mean by deeply - it doesn't even have to be a romantic kind of situation. Loosing a treasured longtime friend will devastate me. I am just the type of person that doesn't trust for a long time but when the bond has taken place and for reason, x,y, z...a person walks away, it devastates me. Perhaps this makes me an oddball - its okay with me. Hey, I know myself. I'm pretty proud of the work it has taken to get where I am. I have worked my ass off to get here. It matters little to me who approves, or who does not. It wasn't their journey. As far as I am concerned, if you haven't walked down my path --- you have no business or right to judge my journey. I would not judge yours.
An awful lot tumbled out today. I so appreciate those of you that finished this blog. You don't know what it means to me. I thoroughly enjoy sharing my life with those of that chose to read the blog. You have no way of know how this helps me. My grandest aspiration, my highest hope - is for someone to find something to relate to - or that inspires them through my quest. Life is difficult - I earnestly believe we were put on this earth to help each other along in our daily plight for whatever it is that the individual ultimately seeks -- be that success, love, peace, contentment... It is or can be endless the desires of the heart. For me, as an individual, there are several things that ultimately fulfill me. A vast piece of that is to dispense hope and to have that hope empower another individual to know that they too can do that thing that they dream of doing.
If I don't write again before the holiday, I want to sincerely wish everyone lot, and lots of love - hugs, kisses and special wishes-- may all your dreams come true.
Love, Light, and Grace always!!!
Gina
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