Thursday, May 17, 2018

Growing Pains


Life.  It's what we get when we think we have other options.  It certainly isn't succinct with the drama's or dreams if you will, that run in our heads. I'm learning more and more that most of what dreams live in my mind, are just that - illusions.  Implements deemed to protect - a fallacy.  More often than not, you will be only further abused in that wake.  Especially if you've ever made mistake one.

We are now living in a world where predators can and are allowed to do anything they see fit, with no consequences.  They can virtually take anything from you - your car, your money, your only means of communicating with the outside world -- and not be held accountable.  It's nearly impossible to even obtain help from law enforcement if you are  a woman period.  Particularly if you made any kind of mistake whatsoever.

I have been put into the position of having to do investigation work by myself ... with no means of transport -- and I would imagine mostly because it was known that I would not be able to obtain information.  It was never intended for this case to be prosecuted.  This is the bottom line.

well, I am here today to say - it isn't over until the pretty lady sings.

Yes, I'm distraught.  I'm dismayed.  But I am not defeated.

My Lord doesn't intend for this child to be treated as anything other than His child.  Our circumstances do not define us.  They help us grow.  All glory be to the Father.  










Sunday, May 13, 2018

The Illusion of Separation



Not sure where I am going this morning but I feel the need to share.  If nothing else, to let someone, anyone know that no matter how far we may go down into the depths of despair, into what feels like utter disillusion, we have a Savior who still loves us as He always has.

I am one who even after being a christian for well over 30+ years still can struggle with separating myself from God during the times when I need Him so desperately.  In times of unbelievable pain - somewhere in my carnal mind I have some sort of default reflex that pushes God away.  The best answer that I have been able to conclude is that this is some sort of old, worn out coping mechanism from childhood.  It didn't do me much good then - but things like this aren't easily uprooted.

Most of you know that read my blog, I am pretty forthright in sharing the struggles of my life in hopes that my trials as well as my ability to overcome but for the Grace of God -- might inspire or lend hope for anyone who's struggling.  Even though I've rarely gotten feedback, I persist because God has placed this very medium upon my heart.  I'm sure that many think me a fool - and this is fine, many, many christians have been deemed fools for Christ throughout history.  If this be the case, I too am a fool for Christ Jesus.

These last few months, and weeks have been some of the hardest that I've endured in my christian walk.  Events transpired in my life and I lost my resolve, and made choices throughout this period of time that grew worse as time went on.  I fell prey to exceptionally old coping habits, looking for futile ways to to elevate the pain I was in from grief and loss that seemed insurmountable.  I succumbed to the short sightedness of my intellect in the attempt to numb said pain, running on empty and running as fast as I could.  I have a history of running from deep emotional pain, I have never faced it, nor have I endured it willingly without an internal fight.  I know that this is a direct result from the years of neglect and feelings of being unwanted by my mother.  What I went through then, was unbearable, so my default recourse was to think my way, somehow around it, and shove that pain as far down inside myself as I knew how.  My life as a child then was one of make-believe, and lost memory.

I have grown by leaps and bounds since that time, healing many, many of those old wounds.  Yet, who we are is the sum total of our experiences.  It isn't as if we can just wipe that slate clean.  Oh how I wish this were true.  Oddly enough it was just a couple of weeks ago that a memory surfaced, that I had buried so deeply, that I'd thought myself not even present when it took place.  I know now that I was there, I had just suppressed it.  Traumatic memories are like that, our minds know how best for us to be able to survive.

My very best friend at that time, we were all of about 7 years old -- walking home from school.  We all lived beyond the railroad tracks.  Well some of the boys had been goofing around and trying to grab hold of the trains as they passed by.  Myself and my girlfriends had been telling the boys how dangerous it was, and asked them to please stop.  They thought since the trains went so slow through the crossing that we walked over, nothing could happen.

My friend and I were so close.  We played either at his house, or mine after school and on weekends  - we were basically inseparable.  I have a scar on my right arm still to this day where we were jumping up and down on the bed and I hit a nail sticking out of the wall.  I loved him,  like a brother.  He was so sweet and kind.  We laughed and laughed together.

On this particular day with all my friends from grade school, the boys were jumping onto the ladders on the train as it went through the crossing.  Richard, Kevin, and little Jimmy.  God  only knows why things happen the way that they do -- and I certainly am not one that ever blames God for the things that happen in life, but that day Jimmy jumped to grab the ladder -- he caught holt, but lost his grip. When he fell, he went under the train, and it cut him in half.  All of us were immediately in shock, because Jimmy was still alive for several moments looking to us for help, we were so traumatized    unable to even move.  

I do not know what took place from that point on.  I kind of remember his funeral.  It is very unclear still.  I am however finding myself increasingly emotional about this.  I hope that doesn't sound trite.  It is in no way my intention.  It is just that with repressed emotions, as well as memories of this kind, the mind only releases what can be handled.

I cannot process this still.  The walk home - how my parents handled it - how it really affected me - all blank.  My friend Richard committed suicide some years later, after an awful battle with drugs and alcohol.  We were a pretty tight nit group, but we all went our separate ways after that.  My one female friend, we are still close to this day.  None of us were ever the same.

I shared last time about crossing paths with a predator.  A predator, narcissist, and I am pretty certain a psychopath.  He was so charismatic.  They usually are.  I allowed myself to be in proximity to this person.  Part of me sensed the danger, but being the eternal optimist -- I did not want to believe what my intuition was telling me.  Well let me tell you --- I suffered greatly behind my foolish indifference, and by my not listening to the heeding of the Holy Spirit.  When this happens, there is always consequences.  I'm still enduring them.

I have learned a great deal.  More than I ever thought I would have begun to understand about myself, and my self-will.  See, I have had to be strong in my life, exceptionally strong to survive.  But, what I am finally getting through my tougher than nails head is that I am not (and don't have to be) in survival mode any longer.  Father God is my Principal, my Director, my Shepherd, and my Redeemer.   As much as it "feels" like it, I am not out here on a limb -- anymore alone.  I get confused sometimes because I can't always see a light at the end of the painful tunnel.  I don't forget about God-- but because of my past, I struggle with trust.  I think many of us do.  It's okay.  Do we actually think that He doesn't know???

I have had a lot of trauma in my lifetime.  Yes, it affects me at times.  There are times when I'd give anything to be someone else just for a little while.  However, believe you me, those days are much more few and far between than they used to be.  Praise God.  I have been through a lot in life - less than some, and more than others.  But Jesus heals.  If I can get out of His way long enough.



Father God, it is beyond my ability to find the words to praise you for your grace and your mercy in my life.  I fail you so miserably sometimes, I insist on doing things my own way,  and rejecting your counsel.  I reach for things of this world to satisfy a never-ending void, that can never be fulfilled Lord by anything or anyone but You and Your love for me.  I praise You and I eternally thank You - for never ceasing to love me, no matter how far down I go, how difficult it must be to watch me self-destruct before You.  Thank You my precious Savior, for always being waiting for me to return to you no matter what shape I'm in, with arms open wide.  In Jesus Holy Name,  Amen

God Bless you!!!        

I found a new song -
I love it, it's so "right on time". 
Enjoy!!

Chemicals no longer needed.

  I agree with this wholeheartedly.   I'm going on day three... of little sleep, I'm in a transition with my depression medications....