I'm going on day three... of little sleep, I'm in a transition with my depression medications. My mind hurts. I am going through such a major transformation at this place - this unknown- uncertain time in my life. I say "uncertain", because bills aren't paid, and my future is unclear. I'm moving soon into a dwelling I've yet to lay eyes on. I do not concern myself ---- it's out of this hellish nightmare.
I haven't smoked a cigarette since Monday - and I have NOT craved one at all. I threw every last piece of drug paraphernalia I had into the DUMPSTER and bid it good Riddance on the same day.
I am finally obeying Jesus.
It's taken me long enough. I feel good. I know it was the right thing for me to do. I actually have felt JOY creep up on me, and I've actually laughed this week, in between the intermittent feelings of rage at the onslaughts of assaults on my home. I still am finding things missing - and I believe there is still someone coming into my home when I am gone. I don't know if anyone can even fathom how deeply this violates every cell in your being, and the kind of rage it builds inside. I do not want these feelings, yet, I have to discover a way to rid myself of them, and OH there's A LOT OF IT.
I actually have a over abundance of stomach acid pumping and a bile duct that's dilated and I need surgery --- because this acid is so bad in my stomach. It's literally eaten my gums - eaten my mouth to the point of burning so badly the pain was nearly unbearable. Talk about something being seething? Oh yes, I've seethed... When some female is or has been in your home and so bold as to use your cosmetics? Steal your intimate things?
I promise you -- you'd feel a rage inside of you - just a difficult to contain as mine. I want and have wanted to hurt someone. Since I'm not an irrational person --- these horrible feelings? These feelings of betrayal have all just eaten me up inside.
I am ever so aware and have been that anger is just energetic and oh so deeply felt -- hurt. Deeply felt betrayal. Anger and rage just give the hurt a voice. Often a very loud one, and the power is much easier to contend with- and you don't have to be vulnerable... you can have power!! Power is such fuel for the EGO!! It allows us to feel superior, that we are RIGHT, JUSTIFIED, and BEYOND REPROACH!! I truly dislike all of those aspects -- I have been in "ego killing" manifestation for years now. I can care less who's right -- true humility is "what's right." The greater good for us all -- and I don't even know what this is a large. part of the time, I am just a small part of the greater collective of this universe!!!
This attachment stuff -- it's not just about people, it's a theme -- attachment to anything for me other than the Lord almighty is not going to be a benefit . I am finally seeing this in the exact light of what God has been trying to show me for my whole entire life. I've sought fulfillment in the world, it's people, it's many, many, pleasures, it's deepest destructions - it's deepest attempts at escape. Something that I don't do often -- because I try my utmost never to break them --- but I'll promise anyone --
If you are searching for fulfillment or comfort in something missing from the depths of your soul, you will never find it in or from any given aspect of any type of by product produced or otherwise of this earth. Never. I've sought out them all. I went from people to and IV needle, and it AIN'T THERE.
Oh, perhaps you'll find temporary comfort, but no long lasting sense of belonging or will you ever find your way home.
Only God can do this.
I have placed this song in previous writings but it still resonates with my soul. I praise Jesus for the promptings of the Holy Spirit I had this week, and I thank Jesus for never giving up on me -- I finally was obedient -- and I feel so good.
My back is no longer crooked, my scoliosis is gone - the kidney that I had that was so much larger on the right side of my back has reseeded into my body and it no longer hurts constantly. I'm growing stronger everyday. After years of wondering why God wouldn't heal me -- well, my time had no yet come... all beautiful words of my former Pastor. I understand now.
I am beginning physical therapy next week -- I am being restored as I sit here - and I will stand up straight, you watch. Hallelujah!!
My dearest friend who reached out to me in my darkest hour, and accepted me with the most precious love of God I've ever known, Sister you have NO idea how much I love you-- I was so ashamed to answer your message - but I had to - I needed you more than you'll ever know -- and GOD KNEW!!! Thank you for obeying. You are my one one true "lay down my life for" sister in Christ. We take communion almost everyday together and it WORKS!!!
"Every minute, every moment, where I been, and where I'm going - like a treasure buried in the broken pieces - There was Jesus!"
I write of my life, my struggles, my journey so that someone, somewhere might find hope from my sufferings and my rise up in the Lord. If not but one, I've accomplished what I set out to do....
All Glory, All Honor, and All Praise, to the One True God!
People hate hearing about your pain. Only reason I know is because I have had my (your share, the neighbors share, the next door neighbors..) share, of a lifetime of pain. I have been on both sides of the chair - both counselor and client. This makes it difficult when you attempt to have friends. Very difficult.
Listening is something I do with my WHOLE BODY
Most folk listen to respond
This drives me nuts...
I'm an Old School Friend. I don't want many - but I want the ones I have to be REAL.
What I mean by that - is by the fact that the scripture in John 15:13"Greater love has no man than this, that he Lay down his life for his friends."
Means everything to me.
I'm an odd one I suppose.
You almost have to have a therapist for a friend, or else you feel lost.
Friends are not equipped to hear you.
This very fact, almost cost me my whole life.
It is a hellofa epiphany when you find out what caused your downfall - and it's even worse when you discover it was because you listened to the people you thought were telling you the best information that they knew to tell you. But it's worse again, when you knew all along inside yourself, your gut was screaming "this is just beyond any ability to accept".
Things happen in life - well, they happened all throughout my. life that proved to me, over and over and over again - that I had no voice, no real power, and when I tried to speak up- I usually got hurt, and usually hurt badly. Hell, it's still
happening. Just a little different, in a different package. Unfortunately, deeper damage, and more abuse than I ever imagined, would ensue...
I lost something that was priceless to me, and precious, irreplaceable and what was mine - rightfully mine, was destroyed for no reason, other than hate, jealousy, revenge, spite, and plain ugly, mean, neurotic human behavior at it's most VILE.
I saw the depths of human darkness right out of my own family, a betrayal like none anyone should ever have to endure, and I believe the soul secrets are so insidious, and shameful - it's what propelled such demonic behavior.
Who completely erases another human beings entire presence off the face of the earth and for what reason? Particularly when this person has been a loyal parent, a provider, and a kind man all his life? Who burns another man's belongings to ash and for what reason? Puts on his headstone the wrong WAR?
What kind of tyranny has taken place for this depth of hatred?
Oh and be sure - the hatred? It was just as much about- and attached to me.
I'm done being silent -- because my swallowing betrayal like I was "told", almost has throughout this past ten years- damn near been the end of me. You see when you allow people to just kick you like your a dog, and don't deserve anything better? Well, sooner or later, there's another really brutal betrayal, and man, this one with a demonic narcissist was almost more cruel that I could even imagine to me. I trauma bonded with him, and also experienced what's called "complex trauma" - man - I couldn't have mixed up a more toxic soup if I had the recipe.
I ended up betraying myself -
I stuck a needle in me.
I didn't care. By then, I needed to get high, to want to live.
I didn't matter to anyone anyways.
I wasn't who I was anymore. I had no clue who I had become, the she I was, was dead.
Nothing mattered but killing this hurt that was killing me.
I couldn't even try to talk to anyone, police harassed me, bullied me, passed around the video of my assault, but couldn't use that for evidence.... kept my phone for six days ...
You name it, if it pertains to a narcissist? I been through it.
People left me one by one because of the drugs, and my method of using it, and HIM. Little by little everyone left, even my mental health center betrayed me. Why not? What did I have the mental strength to do? NOTHING and they knew it.
You know what though?
It's a new era right now- and God's restored my vision for me, and I'm healing - SO MUCH, and He's revealing everything I've prayed for to me.
I'm not broken, I never was.
Momma was.
I just had to try and survive
I am not the defective one,
not then,
not now.
The wounds I do have are healing as I sit here, and know that "By His Stripes, I am Healed!!" MY time just had not yet come, but it has begun! My prayers are being answered quickly and in the most beautiful, amazing, and unbelievable ways. But, God had to come and get me - I'd almost given up.
I don't know of a time in my life truly that's been more difficult. What I mean by that - is the multitude of issues I have needing to be addressed, each and everyone of significance an priority - yet I'm rendered so overwhelmed... I feel incapable of dealing with any of it. I don't know if that's nuts to admit - I know it's me being rigorously honest with a whole lot of "I could give a shit", because what I attempt to do with my writing is reach someone, somehow, through my pain. See, this is why I was born. It's what God gave me to do in my lifetime. It's the only way I can do this right now - because I've been steady gaining more "research" once again - because life hurts, LIKE HELL.
I can't seem to get a steady grip on my life right now. My PTSD, the traumatic events I have been through in the last three years are just eating away at my psyche - this and everything that goes with that. I am still living here - trying to get sober - in the same place - with unbelievable physical pain - emotional pain - and anguish like no one could ever imagine. My mind's a horrible place to be right now. My kidneys hurt, my low back hurts, my neck, my head, my mouth - omg - I lost a filling, the remainder is jagged, cutting my cheek, my tongue, it's unbearable - but I have little choice. Where am I going to go? This is the body I live in, so I have no choice but to manage the life that's in it. Oh, I cracked a rib over the weekend.
Oh, I allowed someone into my life over the weekend. Mistake. Violated my trust by day three.
I overwhelm my friends and I don't even tell them everything I feel, think, experience, need, or how much it all hurts. I lose folks because I'm real. People can't handle real. I don't know how else to be. I can't see how they can be anything else... Tricks are for kids... LOL
The hell of all of this is and what normal people DO NOT UNDERSTAND is that these things, this pressure, is exactly why someone like me, uses drugs. When life becomes an experience so painful, so utterly impossible to manage emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually - Hell yes, who wouldn't choose escape? Powerlessness on such a level, without hope? Alone, sitting in silence, is just too much. Sometimes it honestly feels like someone has fingernails inside my brain scraping the insides. It's excruciating. I reach a point where I just cannot take anymore. Oh, how fun to be me. People sometimes respond to me like there heads will explode if I keep talking. So, I don't. I have been telling you all I'm a tad odd.... lol.
Now the damnedest thing is somehow, someway - I still must be the one to recover. Utilizing a short-term mechanism for relief to longterm problems will never resolve the problem. Numbing pain is always temporary. The pain will return, and when you reenter the world of pain and anguish where these chemicals live? Oh, goodness - you think you have pain now? You've opened a door where satan lives, and he's just been sitting- calculating on what new heights of damnation he can deliver to you- and he's salivating.
As I sit here my body ablaze with pain, and my mind tortured. I don't want to live this way anymore. How many time must I surrender? What is it I'm not doing right? Wherein is the answer or answers I seek?
I know they're inside me. They're always inside us. I believe we have every last answer, every piece of knowledge, motivation, will, everything we need to surmount any and all challenges we face in this lifetime from the moment of conception - we just need divine timing, placement, and sometimes, certain angels who walk this earth. I'm an avid believer as Marianne Williamson's beautiful message is - they're "Miracle Workers".
I know I have to turn all this around. It's just what Gina does. The difficulty being- oh holy hell, this time this bottom is truly trying to suck me under. It's not just a bottom, it's a syphoning black hole. This chemical - is so powerful, it eats at you're psyche. But, damnit, I know I know how to be and maintain sobriety! I did it for nine years! But, I had a village then, and I was able, and afforded the opportunity to completely change people, places, and things. It was a miracle. Ending up in Hazelden? Man, it makes me so upset with myself. Therein lies yet another grief issue.
Forgiveness. Grief. Emotional Pain.
So much, and I didn't even include the physical mess. Sometimes I truly feel like it's just more than I can manage. Yet, it must be managed. Sleeping as much as I possibly can sure as hell isn't the answer- and I'm ashamed of that - I've NEVER done this.
Even in these storms which are my life. All through this awful turmoil, and ablaze in my heart as it's never been more broken, Jesus. Always, Jesus. People are in my life. Good people an I'm so unbelievable grateful. I am not certain of the answers. I'm not sure what to do. But, I know what not to do.
Reaching into the abyss of that darkest darkness hoping to find the light - is INSANE.
There is a solution, and at all costs, I gotta do life different. Whether or not I feel like it. Whether or not I like the level of powerlessness that this hell has brought me. I wasn't asleep on the road here. Life has got to be lived on it's terms, and NUMB isn't an option! Cry about that all you want. It doesn't change that fact.
I haven't been able to access this, and it's been rough.
I need to write to release what's inside me like I need to breathe.
I hope against hope someone can relate to that. So often, I feel so odd, so peculiar, so full of the knowing inside of J.U.S T. how different I feel I am in reality from other people. I don't know if it's real, it's just how it "feels". I could be totally wrong, but you know how it is, you try and tell even you're deepest and darkest friend, and they can't hear you still -- the loaded auto-mantic "I Know" answer pops out- but inside, you still really aren't certain anyone but another sister (or those of us who didn't attach) is certain who lives in our bodies, a hull, yet a live wire of whirling insane feelings - never tempered by a nurturing mommy who never held us, and the very thing we never experienced, security in her arms - thus we feel terror. Not secure, not ever calmed completely, not able to safely attach to anything or anyone, safety is illusive - and it must be checked, and rechecked for signs of distress constantly. Nothing, absolutely nothing is ever completely safe, ever. Not even sleep.
If this resonates with you? You're the daughter of a narcissistic mother. A "motherless daughter". And you can bet you have an Attachment disorder. I've been told I have three. I know I have one, I'm Anxious-Avoidant. Yeah. Just what I always wanted.
It makes sense, and I promise the people close to me will attest. I'm not always a "bit oh honey" to deal with. I have a darkness and it's sometimes really dark. I cannot always help it, I wish I could, and I have worked on my malady for most of my adult life -- 27+ years of CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy - 2 years of EMDR - rapid eye movement desensitization reorganization, brain remapping therapy and it's amazing for PTSD. Oh man. I'm praying for the day I meet a therapist and can begin again to complete these damned traumatic memories and put this shit to bed once and for all. I was almost finished, and I more than likely sabotaged myself - attachment got me - ego - something. I've learned. suffering ceases to be suffering if we learn from it - Socrates. My bend on it.
Despite the fact that I fight my insides every single day -- and somedays? I fight myself a lot. This is the inside people don't know. I'm looking like everything's perfect to you - but all is not well. If folks only knew what it's like to live trying to fight yourself. Constantly.
Conquering your fears is so important. I've been doing it since about age 3.
I highly recommend it. The hard part are those lingering ones, you know those fears that we feel like at the time we took them out- done with that! Kicked that in the ass man, dude! An, time passes, something arrises - something you go through with a friend, a. potential lover - and Shazam, there it is again - only bigger and more fierce. Usually, it triggers the lovely and ever so heartfelt, terror. It may be but for a millisecond nowadays, but, I don't know if I truly believe it will ever completely banish, it's interwoven with the PTSD. It's not a matter of faith for me, it's something else, and not that I don't believe it cannot be healed either. Just complicated I suppose. When your insides are as complicated as some of us, it's hard to explain.
Humans are really horrible at being present with each other. I do not have one friend who can just be there with me when I am experiencing something, it's always - a response of- change it, manipulate it, stop it, it's old - let it go... It's endless. I realize they often time just don't want me to feel sad or upset and I do not blame them, but when I look at what I get often times, it's impatience, intolerance, and sometimes I'm not even heard.
How empty this feels.
People are odd man. It is getting worse everyday. Selfish, self-centered- and so often just cold. Whether they mean to be or not - the outcome is the same. And what is so disheartening is for folks like us, those unattached folks, who have to no emotional anchors, little trust of security - to attempt to figure out what's wrong with individuals we encounter every day.
I guess relationships just don't mean anything anymore, friendships, their connections to another human beings. See mine? They are everything. Now I have to process them a certain way, but I've put in my time, and I do my best, to address each and everyone with utmost care - and hopefully I'm functioning where I can, because as all of us with mental health problems know sometimes it's just not possible, and these are the times when we're a hellofa challenge. This is why I try so hard to help folks know and understand me. There may be no peace in understanding, but we can illuminate one another any time we communicate with love and affection. I don't care who you are. What is spoken from the heart with love and good intention will meet it's intended target, perhaps not immediately, but the seed will be sewn.
I have had a year from pure hell. Who am I fooling, the last THREE.
The birds outside sound like Jesus.
I realize I'm different, but that's what's wrong- or not wrong, but needs adjusting in our country - Diversity is beautiful!!! It's rich and it illuminates all of us, it's ability to open out minds to new ways of thinking, of introspection - new kinds of thought--- and discovering new ideas and expanding our understanding of life and living and it's endless!!!
New Possibilities.... How can anyone not get completely and utterly on fire about that? Screw Fear! Fear is mostly manifested by our own minds! Yes, I said that! How on earth would I have ever gotten anywhere I have in my life - go ahead check my history, where I've worked, where I've lived, what I've overcame? If I never challenged a fear, fought through many, many an anxiety attack - completely in full on battle between my mind, my heart, my spirit and my soul. One thing, and one thing only would keep me moving forward.
God.
I will never understand closed minds, minds who are perfectly accepting of the information that's there and want no more.... NEVER.
I'm far richer with the knowledge of mind, and wisdom of God than I'd ever feel with even the grandest of financial wealth. Money will never feed your soul.
Philippines 4: 5-7
"Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving. Let your requests be known to God, and let the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
Grow, change, evolve, transform, become who you were intended. We so often resist changing. It isn't the change that's so difficult people, it's the resistance to it. Human beings were made to adapt, evolve, and overcome. If we were not, children would never grow up. I'm as guilty as the next person of experiencing fear, not knowing what's ahead (if we don't stay present) can be scary, but nothing thus far as killed you -- I doubt this change will either.
It might just be the change that you've been dreaming about your whole life. One things for certain,
Nothing ventured, is nothing gained-- and absolutely nothing beats a failure BUT a
TRY!!
Grace and Mercy is fresh and new,
everyday.
Go forth, with fierceness, and gusto. The first step is the only one you'll have to do with you're eyes closed... just jump.
Pain teaches us. Pain makes us transform. But pain is never something we experience gleefully. I certainly don't. Not deep emotional, gut wrenching pain, the pain of cruelty, rejection, or loss and grief. I've endured them all to what feels like tenfold.
I grew up in chaos, afraid 98% of the time, because my Mother was a narcissist, unstable, extremely unhappy, mean, and sometimes just plain viscous. She seemed to take pleasure in turning people against one another.
I hid in my brother's closet throughout my childhood - it was my safe haven. The rest of the time when my little mind didn't just blackout what I couldn't process, I was in that closet, loving the blackness - playing make-believe. I was so much better than my other reality of trying to cope with the insanity of trying to be the absolute best little girl in the whole wide world - oh, but I had to be better if you will --- perfect even. I had to clean perfect, to be silent perfect, walk with the books on my head for modeling perfect, my hair had to do perfect, I had to not need nor want her - perfect, not get hurt perfect, or get in her way perfect...
Way to much for any little girl, and you know what? I still have that horrible anxiety inside myself -- that I am the problem, and I will always be - and have to be as perfect as I can.
Anxiety and fear are what's produced with these two aspects in conjunction.
Terror for such a little mind.
Absolute terror.
I'm always too much. Always just a bit too edgy, always saying more than I need, and getting on people's last nerve. That's my feelings inside. Well, on a not so good day.
I've endured some kind of separation from other folks - all my life. You see, not bonding with your Mother - leaves a huge gaping hole in your heart. A hole that never seems to come close to being fulfilled. There's always that deep inner sense of not belonging, anywhere. Not to this life even, or being able to be loved, needed, wanted, nor accepted because you're defective.
So guess what happens? Oh I'll bet you can imagine.
Those of us who had these kinds of Motherless experiences, we all know.
We draw unto ourselves, and even after years and years of therapy -- I still find myself choosing exact replica's of what produced my primary wounds. I choose more rejection, more cruelty, more non-acceptance, more expectations that no once could fulfill. More emotionally unavailable people who have no problem telling us "you're the problem" and you will always end up alone. I can't seem to stop choosing partners and often friends, out of my primary wound.
Thank God, this is getting better, the further away I get from addiction.
My entire life sometimes seems like a never-ending trickle, tsunami, trickle, flood, and so on, of pain. I'm tired.
I'm tired and I'm fighting (so to speak) the battle for my life with this damned addiction. It haunts me daily.... whispering in my soul, "Ah... Gina just once more...." It's so insidious, so nasty, and so relentless. I have never in my life came up against something so powerful as to make me want to lie to myself, other people I love, and that love me. It's PURE INSANITY.
Thus the voice of Addiction at it's most powerful. "Oh, but let me help you not feel."
Seriously. From a wee age of 14 this was my quest in life.
And people want to judge something they don't, and cannot understand. They want to blame because they cannot comprehend the power, the force in which these chemicals have on our lives, those of us who've been bedeviled with it.
I sat here last night, and craved it's company, as I hurt on multiple levels, emotionally, spiritually, and physically - knowing I made bad choices earlier in the day. Addiction does not just affect one single area of the addicts life, no -- the compulsions and impulsive behaviors are a whole life's challenge that we deal with, daily. Dealing with the whole psyche is an ordeal in itself as one try's to make some sort of peace with their life.
Those of us who did not attach as children have a life long challenge, despite the millions of times we're taught, "you just gotta let that shit go, man!" How do you let go of a hole in your soul? Yeah, think what you're life would be like if you're mother was present, you could see her, you wanted her affection, care and love she was giving your other siblings - but you couldn't access it, ever. If you tried, you were immediately rejected. Hard. Day after day, year after year.
It eats at your soul. If you ever have the soundness of mind, courage of spirit to let something of that magnitude resonate near you. I have because I have fought for my belonging here on this earth- but I might be one of the exceptions. I can't say it hasn't cost me.
I am still alone.
I am however, no longer dangerously lonely.
I write to let someone, even one person know that you can survive. Addiction, depression, anxiety, and wanting to die. PTSD, is the hardest, I'm really having a hellofa time right now with mine. People don't always understand, but I write for those of us who DO.
"No temptation has overtaken you except such as in common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. "
1 Corinthians 10:13
That is a PROMISE!!
Always, no matter what, keep on going. No one can but you, if you have to sleep two days to conquer one, so be it.
This too shall pass.
Nothing, absolutely Nothing, happens in God's World by mistake.
Hitting bottom is different for all of us. Some, like myself -- we're so hard-headed - we seem to just not get enough - and we do it on and off throughout life. No, I'm not trying to beat myself mercilessly - I'm just being honest. I am a creature that has to learn the hard way --- I'm not proud of it, I certainly wish it were not the case - and I'm ready to lay down the part of me that seems to push that envelope of self-will run riot. It's peculiar because there are so many areas in my life where I know and love the art of surrender- and I have accepted that in this lifetime - powerlessness is something that we all must come to terms with. I suppose it is the "kind" of powerlessness I truly struggle with. I am a "robust" woman. I know those of you who are reading this that know me, you're laughing-- and thinking, AH, YEAH! I thought of a name for those of us that think way too much, feel too much (whatever that is)- are too passionate, too talkative, overly sensitive, and just downright "a bit more" kind of folks -- I think the word, "zesties" is kind of cool. I am certainly not offended by it, hell, I know I am a handful at times. I have a time with my dang self. However, I love my disposition, I love my spirit, my drive, and my inner strength. I wouldn't change me, for anything -- well, perhaps my difficulty in dealing with those damn painful feelings - and how hard I fall when I lose people. People leave. I was never really taught that. It kind of bewildered me and I'm still working on this. I struggle with an attachment disorder (more one actually) from not bonding with my mother. I have what is called "anxious-avoidant" attachment disorder. I have problems with relationships and friendships. I was not able to learn how properly because my essential one with my mother was so traumatic. I experienced an emotionally neglectful, and nurture starved childhood. We learn how to have relationships through a healthy bond, where we feel safe and secure in the relationship with our mothers. This was not only nonexistent in my experience, but it was also abusive. I grew up afraid, sometimes terrified with deep feelings of shame because all children know when they're rejected like I was is that it has to be because something is wrong with them. I was bad, not mommy. It took years to get her voice out of my head, and still years longer to get the demon that was created worse still I had speaking horrible criticism and shame to myself. I was ten times harder on myself than my mom ever was. I had had almost 20 years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I was a trained counselor myself before I had the courage to confront my mother about the comments she would make about my weight, my clothes, and everything else. It's insane how much power one person can have when we don't understand what fear is, what it does to us, how it works on us, and in us. It was damn near impossible with my family history of Chemical Dependency - generations, at least three, if not four -- and my complete lack of a sense of self -- what I mean by this is --- I was a HULL of a person. Oh, I was there - but no one but the critic was home. All that existed in me was what I "thought" I should be, what I "sensed" other people expected, and what my fear propelled me to do. I literally lived in a perpetual state of one frightened reaction after another. I had no idea what I wanted, who I was, or anything of what might pertain to having a sense of self, or a soul. Now, you may ask, how could this be? Living in a constant state of fear, rejection, and just more anticipation of those things - is living in a war zone. There is NO SAFETY to become who you are. It's just impossible. So, I hid. I ran. I've avoided. Throughout my life rather than deal with all of this pain, I'VE NUMBED MYSELF. Why on earth wouldn't I? Who in the world would want to have to face that kind of betrayal, shame, or absolute unimaginable pain? Yet, I've done the best I could, and here I sit. Twenty-six years of therapy later - and I've hit bottom again. I don't really judge myself - to what end? I have enough other people who do that for me. There are some scars that are so deep it takes a lifetime to heal, and some never heal completely. The best anyone can do is know that the scars are badges of honor and places God has filled the deep crevasses with pure gold. I am not the sum total of my history, despite that suffering sometimes hits again and lessons have, have to be relearned. Pema Chodron also says, "The pain will leave you when the lesson is learned." I'm almost positive that's the quote - and I wholeheartedly believe this. I have looked fear in the face, but I've also gone to far with it- and pushed the envelope and dared it - an this is never good. I have been defiant, leaned on my understanding - and pushed God away - especially during times of great pain. Somehow when I'm hurting the most - something clicks in me, and I no longer trust Jesus. It's not a conscious decision, it's as if the level of emotional pain just shuts me down to everything and every source of light I allow in - I begin to go straight to intellect, and damn these feelings. My brain knows exactly how to fix this -- CHEMICALS R US. It's been this way since I was eleven years old. I do know now living in a constant state of chaos and terror has produced my PTSD. I know now - what triggers it. Alas, this last juncture - I made the worst decisions I've ever made. Here I sit, in silence, in complete defeat. Oh, I have tons of reasons, and plenty of sorrows. I've spend too much time on that already. I've lost about three years of my life, it's passed by - if not longer - isolated, around few people and the people who I did see (with exceptions of course) just mostly abused and battered me because I didn't protect myself. I walked into a world I knew nothing about, and it ate me alive. In the quest for numbness and euphoria, I traded my dignity, my belongings, my values, my friends, and my family. Most of all I hurt myself. Isn't that just paradoxical? In the endeavor to not feel pain, I made more excruciating pain -- and created loss like never before.
RECOVERY
I'm not going back. I'm stopping looking backwards. I don't live there anymore. I am going to speak new truths, new word, new life into my new existence NOW!!
I have used up my rights to a chemically free peace of mind. I choose to live/abide/dwell/proclaim the perfect peace of Christ Jesus. I am HIS!
I have what He says I have, I abide in Him, not in my circumstances, and I am loved beyond my wildest dreams, my life has just begun.
In Jesus Name, Amen.
All Gods Grace and Favor to you!! One moment at a time, just begin right where you are, He's already there!!
There's much to be said of courage and strength. Overcoming battles be it of the mind, body, or soul, all take their toll. The current circumstances I'm enduring now and have been being one I pray profusely - I never know of another woman ever having to endure. I've been asked many times over, "how are you holding all of that together?!" I try my best to answer, and I answer as best I am able, "it's by the grace of God because otherwise, I don't know."
I was assaulted, gagged, bound, and terrorized by someone I cared for - for over two hours on July 4th, 2019. No charges were ever filed and will be filed. I have had to accept the unacceptable in these matters, I have a grand total of nine felonies against this man. No charges pending, there's always been this matter of "lack of evidence." I'm quite certain he's being protected by law enforcement. I've lost more than one can imagine, besides nearly my mind. I've been treated like garbage basically by the local law enforcement - like I'm the repeat felon - and I do not even have a parking ticket to my name, but if drugs are involved, you're a piece of excrement. But he's not and he deals it.
I over the course of almost three years, at which he spent one of them in prison, his third-round - mind you - a repeat offender, with warrants as I write -- a DUI for driving while under the influence -- with a revoked license? Wouldn't you put someone like that (with active warrants, no less?) in jail?
No, not this lucky charm, he's untouchable. Damn.
He's terrorized me in my home, he found someone intelligent enough to clone my phone, harassing me through that medium, I'd watch as the settings changed with my phone in my hand, pictures just deleted, and every email address hacked, and sheaths places over the real account so I was unable to even access my accounts, password changes numerous times a day.
This blog was made inaccessible to me. They changed the initial email address to log into the main admin page, taking me nearly a year to find. I've spent copious hours with Apple care and my apple ID because they breached my home computer. NO one believed me, and I was basically laughed at. My phone was monitored constantly messages he didn't want to send, were not, numbers he didn't want me to have - like to the sexual abuse advocate? DELETED.
HE IS A MONSTER
A living, breathing, nothing better to do with his life than to try and ruin mine, because I'M STRONGER THAN HE'LL EVER BE.
This was the presuppose of his whole plot. Beat me down mentally Physically and emotionally - and try to destroy me.
Man cannot destroy what God has claimed as His own.
Isiah 54:17
As this blog as my witness, my strength had nothing to do with him, but he wanted to master over it, but being he could not, he settled for attempting to hurt me anyway he knew how. He's a small man because he made that choice. Only a small-minded man would have made such a decision.
I've endured so much that at this writing I feel as if I will be ill, the ramifications so vast. My addiction soared, my consequences so high, I am still trying to overcome.
BUT...
I'm still breathing, still striving, still not giving up, and I'll not be defeated by someone who will never know what it is to overcome one's deepest darkness at the center of their soul. I've met my souls ugliest, I've cried until I thought I'd die, I've grieved for months, YEARS on end. Courage and tenacity are a staple in Gina's life. Courage is NOT in the absence of fear. Feel that shit and do it anyways. Fear is nothing but emotional energy and it lies.
This is a representation of the robe I escaped in and wore to the hospital when I was taken to do the rape kit. I brought it home yesterday from evidence. I am making it my badge of honor. Yes, it's difficult to look at, to stomach, to feel all that goes with this garment. But, this is a concrete representation of an extremely horrific reality for me. This is what drug addiction does for you. These types of consequences are what associating with criminals and people who have no value for you, does for you. This is my reality.
No, I did not and would never deserve what happened to me, and I'm not finished yet in my pursuit of justice, because I've been wronged. The evidence bag had never been unsealed. Strange huh? There were articles in the pockets of this robe, which I find very strange. So much of what DID NOT happen as far as law enforcement is concerned on my welfare and behalf, is beyond defying all reality. I do not believe in the agony of waiting six months of "evidence to process," do I believe any evidence was ever sent in.
There are days, I just can't. I can't function, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I cannot participate in my own life. It's called PTSD. I'm fully aware of what needs to be done, it runs through my mind, which makes things worse. Knowing you need to take care of a million things yet being unable to move, is horrible. Your status is "breathing". It's the absolute best I can do many days yet. But you know what? It's perfectly okay. They're becoming less and less. Praise God.
I'm SOBER. I'm changing, and I'm growing, and I'm overcoming this nightmare. I'm not staying in this pit of hell. I don't belong here, I never really did, and I know now I'm so much stronger than I EVER REALISED!! I have so often throughout caring for this man and being so brutally rejected, his cruelty unparalleled, and his outright hatred towards me incomprehensible - the emotional pain from all of these daggers to my psyche - man have they taught me immeasurable lessons. These things, each and everyone are direct descendants to core issues of my childhood, my deepest and most heinous deficiencies of the nurturing, care, and lack of attachment that I experienced from my mother are all tied up in this nightmare. Even after Twenty-six years of self-examination and my best attempts at healing through traditional therapy - I've came a LONG way - yet still, the wound exists. I have had a reckoning, one which I believe I knew - it is not I who can heal myself -- until I release this pit of hell within my soul that perpetually tells me, "you'll never be enough", and allow God to move in my life-- I will always feel empty. I will reach for chemical fulfillment over and over, albeit food, sex, shopping, or drugs. See, my broken tools will never work, but His Perfect Work is all that can. An....
It Is Finished.
I've been whole this entire time. I just have had a hard time accepting His Gift.
Understanding its totality is sometimes hard for us mere humans. His Gift of Grace, Mercy, and Unfathomable Love is kind of beyond the comprehension of our minds.
So although I don't know that I'd done with seeking as to why I don't deserve justice, and he is allowed to just face no punishment - I must put some kind of rest within myself to this nightmare within myself. I must trust in God's justice. I have to keep moving forward. I have to have hope in my life, and in my future. I have things to do, and I have women (and men) to encourage, strengthen, and build up - because of my story - and my suffering-- someone, somewhere, can avoid or overcome what I have endured.
All of life is circular, everything including this earth revolves.
I'm so grateful for recovery, so grateful to be clear-minded despite the battles that I have at times. I wish some of the people in my life understood more and had a bit more patience with me, but they've not walked through the pits of hell like I have. The ones that do understand, I cherish and you know who you are. I praise God for you, and because of you-- I gain strength to go forward despite the anger, the rage, and the indifference I feel some days. Never ever doubt the loyalty, dedication, and strides a true friend makes towards you when you're at your weakest and at you're darkest days. It's God in a human suit. I'm certain of it. I'm so humbled.
Now, this right here - this song means so much to me, I love Mary J. Blige so much - and this right here? It's everything. I'm going to soar once I get through this all. Make no mistake, I'm not bound to this ground, no, God's got so much in store for me, see this is why I'm here. I've got great things to do yet, I know it in my soul. Great sorrow and great pain brings about great leadership, and I've found miraculous recoveries. My life is full of miracles, and He ain't done yet. I haven't come down this far -- and suffered this much to settle for nothing - God always has a purpose behind the pain. I have so much to give of wisdom, encouragement, uplifting, and promise of grand hope inside of me, and I'm not even halfway healed yet -- can you imagine when my life really gets set on solid ground what kind of force for goodness, truth, and inspiration to be reckoned with is in me? Yeah, me too.
I've been lead to the same scriptures in Mark, Matthew, and Luke - who having a lamp places it under a stand? (Paraphrase mine) I have randomly opened my bible four times in a row, so I am pressed to believe God's telling me something. I'm sure listening. I'm going to obey this time.
This song as I began to illude to above, says so much. I hope you enjoy it and I hope you listen. It goes out to all of you -- and I'm singing to myself.
"Doubt" is a song recorded by American singer Mary J. Blige from her twelfth studio album The London Sessions. It was written by Blige and English musician Sam Romans, while production was helmed by Romans and American record producer Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins.
"You think you know me,
But you don't know the half,
You said I'd never be someone,
You think you beat me down,
But I'll have the last laugh,
I'll keep getting up going,
Cause that's what I was born to do,
I'm gonna be the best me,
I'm sorry if it kills you."
Thanks for hanging in with me, please share this -- for other women who've been assaulted and have had to accept the unacceptable. So they will know they're not alone. Justice doesn't always appear in ways we think it will. May those of us who receive it in different forms be able to accept healing as it comes and not reject it because of its packaging!! I have tried to control how I wanted it for months now, and it's nearly defeated me, and my healing is in the surrender.
That's how I'm getting through. Learn who you can talk to, and who's just not able to hear your pain. It's not that they don't care, sometimes they just don't know-how. God bless them.
NO MATTER WHAT, YOU MUST HEAL.
God's precious Grace and Glorious Favor to you all --
Be Blessed in your comings and goings, in all you do.
Amen.
love,
G.
