I'm angrier at myself than anyone.
How could I have not known?
All of this horrendous struggle. This never-ending search - the inability to stop seeking.
I'm embarrassed, I think - humbled and somewhat ashamed.
All of this time I thought myself powerless. Yet, somewhere deep down inside- I knew better. I haven't always been - compulsive. Why have I been these last years? I mean, it isn't that I have never been impulsive -- I think we all have at one time or two in our lives --- but the last decade of my life? Man.
Impulsive: Acting or done without forethought.
Compulsive: acting or result from an irresistible urge.
I wasn't even certain of the difference between the words myself until I defined them. It's quite clear now.
I'm utterly disgusted. At a loss for words even. This is rare for me.
At first, it was Abilify. I'm not even certain how many years I took it. Of course, it just comes out now that it's caused compulsive behaviors in people. I have what is characterized as "resistant" major depression - and what this means is that it doesn't respond to the typical medications. Not only does it not respond and I have to take medications that boost my antidepressants, my medications usually will just stop working with no or little warning and will have to be completely changed. It's always been this way with my depression. When I was first diagnosed, I went through eight medication changes - and I still was not well. It's was hell.
It's so confusing. The Abilify helped so much! For the first time, I felt "normal" - whatever that is. Goodness, I did not know that bankruptcy came with it. The thing that makes me angry is that via my providers --- I've been blamed for this. "It's part of your pathology." UH......... I never did it before!!! It just so happened that I had circumstances in my life that increased my stress level, and I have an anxiety disorder - and I'm so adept at being blamed --- hell I blame myself for any bad behavior I have. I don't need any help from the cheap seats. I'm my own worst enemy!!! I've been told from the time I was big enough to understand how deficient I am. It's a recording that's still in process of removing.
I did not sleep more than four hours a night for many, many years. Now I knew that was my meds. I wasn't like hyper or anything -- just unable to sleep enough. This exacerbates everything. Yet, this was not normal for me. Sorry about the "normal" reference again. I have no idea what that word really means.... except when I use it in those types of circumstances --- like in sleep (8 hours). I have usually had no difficulties with sleep. As I go to finish this post - I have had little than 2 hours rest.
Abilify aided me in gaining 40 pounds. It was, don't get me wrong here - in the beginning like a miracle medication. It gave me copious amounts of energy. A new zest for life. A new passion and zeal for my future that just had not been there. It relieved my depression symptoms where nothing else had. I was so grateful. Now here I am - all these years past - with my credit in shambles - for the second time, having had dangerous behavior in my history, few friends and now lost in a mire of the quandary wondering what just happened?
I don't know if I would have even known if the class action suit hadn't come up. I then did the research on Rexulti - only to discover that it is the forerunner for Abilify. GREAT!! Pharmaceuticals!! Rexulti even has a lovely gene mutation - for cancer.
I have a mixed bag of feelings. I owe my Semi-wellbeing to these medications. On one hand, I have been moderately nonsuicidal on these medications. I also had an internal struggle like nobody's business. I've spent thousands - hundreds of thousands. I have been out of control on this medicine. I think this is a side effect that someone should know about. Of course, the legal system only recognizes gambling as concrete enough to actually sue these companies for damages.
I'm so disheartened. I have all the while, been attempting to follow Christ. I have been utterly (what feels like) failing. How can a compulsive person with some of the behaviors that I have had -- be a new creation? I mean of course we're human beings -- and God knows - but man.
I'm on my way off this mess. I went to my provider yesterday and I started the process of titration. It will take some time, but I'm removing this from my life. I'm so tired - in the hole at the bank - which ordinarily I'd never do. So much has been so out of character for me --- and I knew it. How many times have I told people to follow their intuition? But did I trust mine? How utterly sad.
Please if you are on either of these medications -- and you are having uncontrollable behavior --- go to your provider. Ask questions. See about it. Both Rexulti and Abilify causes compulsive behavior -- and I'm telling you now -- you think it's you.
Thank you, Jesus, for giving me knowledge - for my gaining understanding. Father God - I pray for all who may need this message in their lives to receive it. Let this message find a way, where there was no way. I pray for blessing and favor for all who read it - and that follow my writings, Lord grant them peace that passes all understanding. Amen.
I found a new song -- and it's so beautiful - It speaks right to the heart of where I am, and what I want.
My hope is that you find yourself in this song too.
Until next time,
God Bless,
G.
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