Wow- It's been awhile. I'm not even certain where to begin. I may or may not address the above - that is kind of a private hell. Yet - there is such transformation that is at work in my life now - it lends me to not want to even acknowledge my suffering. Hell, we all suffer - I seem to in life more than the average human - it summons me to ask myself if it is that I bring it upon myself? I mean who wouldn't ask that of themselves at some point being an active, (who am I kidding), overly - active thinker. I can surely get myself into some quandaries sometimes. Albeit, I grow and I transform. I'm growing by leaps and bounds right now --- because I"m in a great deal of emotional pain. Pain brought on unnecessarily by a lovely male of the species. Yes. One of those wonderful men that (you might know the type) when a woman communicates something deeply emotional and the man just does NOTHING. And I mean zip, nada, ZILCH. He must - like the guy before him, have broken all of his fingers? I don't know. It is so bizarre to me... that a human being who was designed to communicate just stops. I mean, it just makes any normal (hell abnormal) woman - insane. At any rate, it's produced a great deal of anguish, sleepless nights, and a tad bit of intense anger. I'm settled down now, but I know that I'm merely seething.
However! I have good news. I had an interview to volunteer at a hospice organization a few weeks ago. I began the process anyway. Man, I would have never thought so much would be involved. I had to have a flu shot-TB test, a drug screening, I already have had the Hepatitis C vaccinations, plus a background check! They did a complete history on me. I'm shocked!! But I got the call yesterday - while I was getting my hair cut no less, I have passed everything! We have one more meeting for policy and procedure types of stuff --- alas, I'll be ready to go! I am so excited and I wholeheartedly welcome this experience into my life. I look so forward to the richness of this adventure.
I think I shared in the last blog that I'm going to be changing psychologists. I'm in a strange place. I don't know how I feel. Mostly numb. I feel like not even going back to see the doc. He has been so inconsistent - and missed so many appointments. I guess his life is more important than our recovery. I will never know. I'll be glad to get switched over to the new one - and finish. I haven't been doing my daily self-care however. I'm sure if I really sat still and allowed it, things would not be pretty. I've been running about quite a bit lately. Oh, I've been talking to God - but not like I normally do. It may very well be because I am not wanting to face the inevitable. It gets old folks - this process of evolution. This never-ending examination of who I am. I don't even know how many people can even relate to that.
I have been on a site called Quora. It's a question and answer site. I had met a woman there who had become a sort of pen-pal a few years back. Now I have been answering questions of all sorts --- and it seems they like my answers. My Gmail account is flooded with people that want me to answer their questions. Its kind of neat -- the ones that I've answered have gotten thousands of views and what they call "upvotes". I have enjoyed it. Quora is teaming with queries about depression and anxiety. People still struggle with the stigma in going to a professional for help. I find it sad. Maybe my voice through these questions is helping a little. That would be cool. I finally am beginning to feel less of a non-entity in the world. Losing ones career feels a bit akin to falling from grace. It is an awful transition. One I have been trying to get past for several years now. I know in my mind that I'm not a "human doing" and that a job doesn't make you who you are. However, we are conditioned from such a young age to identify with things outside of ourselves - cars, houses, jobs, people --- all of these things in our minds enhance our identities. We get in our minds that these things make us "more than" -- we are. Like who we are isn't enough.
This is the lifelong battle that we learn from the time that we learn the word, "mine!!" An I tell you, it is our undoing. Thank you for that beautiful information, Meister Eckhart! I have been reading his book "A New Earth". It's mind-blowing. So illuminating. I highly recommend it to anyone. I adore books that help you shift your perception. For me and my life - our mental perception is everything. That is where my title comes from. I am a grateful person. I know people who aren't and I struggle to be in their presence. A spirit of entitlement is difficult for me. I am fully aware that people look at me and think "what the hell has she got to be grateful for?" I'm constantly in pain, I'm an addict (in multiple ways), I'm poor, everything I have someone has given to me (pretty much) --- I've lost everything three times in my life. But you know what? No one can touch, alter, nor hinder my spirit. That's mine. It is not dependent upon anything, nor anyone else but me. I like who I am. Hell, I'm to the point I kinda love me. That didn't come easily. Nor would I trade it for the world. It can't be bought or replaced. I'm the only one.
Happy Thanksgiving folks. Stay Grateful!!!
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