Pure Grace

I adore this scripture.  It reads in my bible:   "Having wiped out the hand writing of requirements that was against us, which was contrary to us.  And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross." Colossians 2:14 

There is so much that Jesus did for us, it is hard to know where to begin.  It is difficult to speak of His great grace without acknowledging my own life.  I will do the former, and blend in my own life as I go.  

I worship at a grace church.  We don't do sinners saved week after week.  We don't do condemnation. We don't do anything but Jesus.  There is radical difference between the two churches.  We believe that confession is to tell God the truth.  We believe in telling the truth.  We don't however believe that we're sinners any longer.  We believe that Jesus paid our sin debt once and for all, at Calvary.  

We're (as a set of believers) often ridiculed for our belief system, because we don't believe that we're under the law of Moses any longer.  We are under a new covenant.  Jesus was the final Lamb.  There are no more sacrifices.  If there were, we'd still be under the old mosaic law.  We are under grace.  Just because we don't believe in the ten commandments, doesn't mean that we are free to break them, indeed, once you understand all that Christ did on the cross, why would one want to conduct themselves in such a manner?  However, we are ridiculed.  

We are a group of believers that focus our lives on our relationship with Christ, and His finished work on the cross.  The more you understand what and who Christ was, He makes Himself manifest inside of you.  It just happens the more you hear God's word.  

Christ was born, lived, suffered, and died for us.  While yet we are in sin, He loves us.  We serve a God that loves us so much (we cannot really even comprehend) that He made Himself into human flesh that He might know our feelings, out pain, and our strife - so that He would know us.  Our every living, breathing, moment.  He was tortured for us.  I think that is pretty amazing - it separates us from every other form of believers.  We are NOT religious.  Religion is for people who serve men, not God.  Rules not love.  Jesus is love.  God is love.  The only two commandments that Jesus gave us was 1). To love the Lord your God with all your heart, your mind, and your soul.  2).  To love your neighbor as yourself.  It's not exact but close as I know them.  Both of these commandments have to do with love.  The bible says that we are to love one another as Jesus loved.  And Jesus loved us with everything that He had, His whole life was a mission of love.  A life of sacrifice.  

People in the old testament could not follow the law.  All through the old testament they worshiped other Gods.  They did despicable things, and God had to save them, thus the foreshadowing of Jesus - whom had been there from the beginning of time.  We had to have a Savior, for from the moment that Eve ate the apple, (before actually) God knew we were going to have to have Christ.  

I wish I could explain all that I've learned of grace -- and how it's so miraculously changed my life.  The peace that I've found in the never ending rest that I've found in it's immeasurable life giving gift.  The gift of Jesus.  He's became the center of my universe, my breath, my life, my reason for living.  I know that no matter what my circumstance, He is awaiting my arrival with answers I'd never dreamed.  I don't have to fight with anything any longer, his grace and favor find me with out my having to do anything but love Him.  I have nothing to do but praise Him, pray, and trust.  As unsettling as this unstable world has become, I fear nothing.  I know that God has my destiny.  My every answer is in Jesus.  He sits at the right hand of God, and He is my everything.  My life is blessed.  There are so many scriptures that I'd love to share, so much of my bible that is so tender to me.  The words, like velvet.  He's given me meaning and direction.  He's given me purpose, and most of all, love.  

I hope that you find grace in your lifetime.  It's peace far surpasses anything that this world has to offer.  It is a peace that stands outside space and time, and is in Christ alone.  I honor it like I honor life.  It is a gift.  That was one of the things that Christ gave to his disciples.  I know that I have reached this place in my life due to the road that I was supposed to travel.  I'm humbled and in awe.  I'm more grateful than words can describe.  Life just makes sense.  I'm in poverty but life makes sense.  It's only for a season.  

Grace and peace to you...

Ephesians 1:7  "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the richness of his grace."

Walking Wounded - take heed.

I've had the occasion as of late to brush up to other peoples pain.  It made mine look like a sunshiny day.  Pain so vast, that it had changed their character.  It was so vast, that it gave me pause.  It took my breath.  The bowels of compassion in me opened like a deep wound.  Unable to help this person, I felt inept.  Powerless even.  As I write now - I realize how this could lead someone to express themselves as one person, but the pain bring them to a much different reality.  There is a vast difference between what we "want" to be than in what we are indeed capable.  It lies in our unresolved pain.  

Pain will make you hide.  Pain will make you think you are ugly.  It will make you think that everyone is out to get you.  It will make you suspect everything that someone does for you - or to you.  It doesn't always matter what kind of pain, but when it comes to relationships, that is where it is going to rear it's ugly head.  There are things that are going to have to be worked out in relationships that will not be able to be worked out anywhere else.  It is an every going disaster waiting to happen. It comes from the place of our need.  It is very frightening to need someone, yet we all do.  

The needs begin with food and shelter.  Once those are met, then there are the belonging needs.  The one's that have to do with love and acceptance.  We all have need of belonging in this world and it's amazing what we will do and allow to get it.  We'll sometimes allow abuse, emotional and physical - to get it.  It's like food that we're starved for.  Some of us are starved.  I've been in this position several times in my life.  This is what sets us up for the abuse - it takes us to the bursting point in order to get what we're dying for -- belonging.  

As we meet each other we present ourselves as the best as we can be.  We put our best feet forward in the presentation.  We want others to think of us as we want to think of ourselves.  It's rarely who we are in all actuality.  It isn't as if were lying, it is who we wish we were.  It is who we aspire to be.  This is why there comes a point in the love affair where the novelty wears off and we're seen as we actually are - and the honey moon seems to stop - but hopefully the love endures.  Sometimes it doesn't.  If there is too much that has taken place or too much distance between what has been presented and the truth - it just cannot be repaired.  This is why people need to take time in the beginning and get to know the other person.  However, it's rarely done.  We usually jump right in with both feet.  I'm as guilty of it as the next person...  It's that air of overwhelm when you meet someone that feels right after a bad string of wrongs.  It's exciting, and breathtaking.  And we love the whole kit and kabootle.  It's a love affair after all, it isn't supposed to be logical.  However, at some point, someone has to be logical.  Especially if we run into a snag, and invariably we do.  

This is usually the jumping off point for most folks, where the relationship ends.  It's where the truth of the matter comes to light - we're not all that and we're really human's with flaws.  He leaves the seat up on the toilette - the cap off the toothpaste, and the bathroom light on all at once.  Plus, his towels, and whisker bits all over the bathroom sink.  Everything that you once thought about his being "Mr. Wonderful" comes crushing to a halt.  He's a tad insensitive as well - however you've grown quite fond of him, so what's a person to do?  It isn't as if you're perfect either... He's noticed that you drool in your sleep and that you hog the bed.  The list goes on...

These types of things are minor, trust me.  The bigger stuff is yet to come.  These things are minor milestones in the process.  These are but the tiny truths we learn about each other - the more serious stuff like, now how a person deals with grief - now that's the big stuff.  That is the stuff that makes or breaks a marriage.  How he treats you when you loose someone very important to you, or when he looses someone important to him, will make or break the deal.  A lot of it depends on past hurts.  

It's all about exposure.  Pulling of the covers of life.  We begin to let this other person see who we are verses who we want others to know.  It just sort of happens automatically.  The guard comes down, as we live our lives together.  We can't possibly hold up the perfect role any longer.  It's just too much work.  And it isn't as if we are doing it on purpose, it's all a part of the design of courtship.  Of course we want people to think the best of us - that's just common sense.  And of course it has to come out that we aren't all that and a box of chocolates.  Hopefully we've strength of character and integrity - to withstand the reveal.  This is wherein it lies - character to withstand the unveiling process.  Some do, some don't.  Some people are serial relationship people - they run from one to another -- but that's a whole different blog.  We are talking about commitment here.  We are talking about the art of compromise.  For it is an art form.  "I'll let you see who I really am - if you promise not to leave me in the process, and you also show me who you are."  This is the deal.  Acceptance.  Letting go of expectations.   This is how relationships blend into unconditional love.  

A lot can happen in this process.  If there is going to be abuse, neglect, avoidance, shame, guilt, any sort of unwillingness to share in the unrevealing of the truth - the relationship will not make it through the process.  That is what I found as of late.  When the reveal happened, I was so shocked at what was underneath, I could not handle the emotionality of it.  I was literally in shock.  Everything in my internalization told me it was dangerous to proceed.  I've come to trust my inner knowing.  Matter of fact, when we bristle up against such pain, I give anyone the permission to retreat from the situation at hand.  This revealing process is very important - and we must trust our intuition.  

My response was that I cried and was then resounded to abusively with "dry up those tears"...  I should have told said person to leave my house at that very moment.  I process slowly at times, and I have to work through information in the manner that I do - but I am getting better at it.  I've since broken all ties with this individual.  That one statement, crude as it was - and heartless, was enough for me.  I'll not be abused, nor will my feelings be belittled again, by a man nor a woman.  I've lived through enough.  I've far surpassed this juncture.  

I write for therapeutic purposes, and perhaps it will help someone else.  Just know that there will come a time when you can't keep being all that you want the other person to believe that you are.  It's just natural.  Even on our best days, we are only as great as we can hope we are.  It is much better to be true to yourself than to try to play the role of the perfect partner.  It isn't realistic.  He or she is going to discover the truth in the end anyway - and hopefully one does not have such monsters in their closets as I've found.  I find people who need healing because I'm a healer - they're drawn to me.  I did not come up with that myself, this is what's been explained.  I draw the walking wounded.  They come to me in search of healing.  The problem with this is I'm not in the healing business - I'm looking for a soul mate not a mate full of wounds.  There is a vast difference between what I have been called to do verses who I am and what I want out of life.  Some how the two have gotten mixed up - and perhaps somehow here I'm responsible for this, I don't know.  Alas, I digress.  

The unveiling can be a beautiful thing.  If he is hearty enough, he will love you for who and all that you are bump and bobbles an all.  It will make him love you all the more.  We learn to put the lid back on the toothpaste - and ask him to put down the lid of the toilette   Those types of things are very simple.  It's the big scary things that concern me.  Those are the ones I seem to attract.  I think I'll take a break from relationships for awhile and try and figure out what one can do to stop this.  

You must ask yourself what is your drawing line - that place where you dare not tread.  Knowing it in advance helps, it helps tremendously.  For if one does not have it, you will invariably find yourself in it.  People will push you to the edge - and watch you fall, and never offer a hand.  I do not understand this, nor do I like it.  This seems to be the manner of the universe.  It isn't that there aren't good people out there, but there's just more wounded.  Many of them don't even know their wounded.  I have heart for these people, and this is perhaps how they end up in my life.  I've in past, refused to see them as evil.  I'm rethinking this.  I'm thinking now that they do have an agenda.  I don't like that this is what I'm finding, but alas, I'm afraid it's true.  It's almost unsafe to be open, I'm finding this to be true more and more.  

Wolves come in sheep's clothing.  People will present themselves in their best interest.  However there will be a defining moment.  Trust your resources for that moment.  Do what you need to do to protect yourself.  I hope that in that defining moment what you see is honor, dignity and truth.  If it is not, know that there is more of whatever you just witnessed to follow.  More of what you just witnessed, only on a deeper more serious level.  Most of all, if a man presents himself to be one thing and then acts in direct incongruence - walk away.  This is just the beginning of his telling you lies.  He's just lied with his behavior.  He'll soon start lying with his words.  When you feel shaky on the inside, listen to it.  Something is wrong.  Heed it's warning.   It's only going to get worse.  Stick around if you dare - but I can tell you from experience - you'll live to regret it.  Wolves are predators - and they devour those that cross their path.  

We are all walking wounded to a certain degree - don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that what's be broken cannot be healed.  I'm an advocate of healing.  The difference is in those that want to heal.  The difference is in those that want to heal and those that want to hurt because they have been hurt so badly.  It's a vast difference.  A frightening malady.  It's an ideal that has brought me to rethink my whole approach to life.  I don't write this lightly.  Protect yourself from those that present themselves as whole human beings yet are scared deeply.  The scars will show - and you will know.  Conduct yourselves accordingly.  
  

Jesus

It's been a long time since I've written.  I've been busy writing papers for school, which I never actually thought I'd return to.  Alas, I have and although I struggle, I'm getting through.  I'm finding that my mind just doesn't work the way that I'd like, and the way it did at thirty-something.  My comprehension is down.  Way down.  I have to work much harder than I ever have at making the grades.  I am very undisciplined.  I suppose this should not be a shocker, but it upsets me quite a bit.  In all actuality, when I think of it not much has changed - it's still the same old procrastination.  I push myself up all the way to the edge with thing - I just finished an essay that's been assigned for at least two weeks.  I tried to complete it prior, but it just wouldn't come.  Sometimes I have problems like that - the information will not just flow.  I guess it is the equivalent of writers block?  Who knows.

I'm still single, and have not dated.  I've asked God the reasons for my aloneness.  I know that this is a healing time for me, and a time to trust the peace that I feel.  It is time for me to be still and meditative with God.  It's odd how even though we may know (or think that we know) the essence behind the substance - it isn't always palatable.  I did have a revelation of understanding at church service today.  Goodness, I adore my church.  It is likened to a clean, fresh, crisp bubbling brook when one's extremely thirsty.  One can approach it and drink, and drink living water.  Water that satisfies the soul.  There is nothing on earth that does that for me like God's word.  It is refreshment like no other.  Deep inside the yearnings of my heart and all that I long for, I can find solace in His word.  I learned today that Jesus has an unanswered prayer and that the coming of the Father cannot take place until that prayer is answered.  It makes perfect sense.  So many people believe that there's going to be world wars, and an anti-christ.  I think that is what they want.  I at least believe that is what they want to believe.  Of course that is what's being taught by many that don't seem to find deeper meaning behind the word that the scratching of the surface of it.  It takes dedication and an open mind.  Most have the dedication, but not the open mind.  I just find it intently interesting how man has rearranged God's word to mean what they want it to mean - and take context to a level that isn't even recognizable.  If I, a common lay-person can find meaning beyond some that profess to be leaders, honestly - it's frightening.

I actually know that in terms of God's wisdom, I don't know anything.  He must show me things all the time.  My dreams and my desires get in the way of my understanding.  My simpleton mind is my own worst enemy.  I don't need some demonic figure speaking in my ear or giving me an "evil heart' like I heard on the christian radio the other day -- to side track myself.  I just don't see how anyone ever finds Jesus when He is behind the sledge hammer.  Let's beat you to pieces with sin to show you how much Jesus loves you --- sort of an oxymoron wouldn't you say?   The love of God doesn't require pain folks.  Much to many people's dismay.  One can follow Jesus, and live a beautiful life, leaving behind condemnation, shame and generational guilt.  I don't have guilt anymore, nor do I feel condemned.  Jesus bore all of that on the cross at Calvary.  Why would I want to continue to bare it?  He declared peace and love.  He loved the unloveable.  For someone that has lived the kind of life that I have ( a liar, a thief and a manipulator) - addiction, alcoholism and the like, this was the kind of answer that I'd been praying for my entire life.  I thought I'd found it in A.A. however I kept having to relive my past over and over.  In Jesus, I'm a new creation.  I am no longer who I used to be.  I have a new spirit, and a new body - if you will.  Even if you won't !  As the song says, "I've been redeemed ."  I'm not who I used to be any longer.  Those that would scoff at grace - don't even begin to understand what it means.  It's peace that surpasses all human comprehension.  I had an anxiety disorder -- high blood pressure, I say had, because I don't anymore.  I don't have an exemplary life.  I have an average (from the outside anyway) - life basically in poverty.  However, the depth of riches that I have internally cannot be communicated.  From what I've been given in glory - supersedes the monetary.   I thank God for my abundance!

There is nothing more precious to God than a compassionate heart.  He gave me one.  He gave me a gift that I get to share all my life.  My christianity is centered in love, and a deeply embedded desire to extend myself to my fellow human beings.  I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't have to be.  God's love is so far from our understanding, and so vast that perfection is a silly state that we created.  It isn't something that He placed upon us, we place it upon ourselves.  The work is finished.  Jesus did what no one else on earth could have ever done.  He was our propitiation for sin.  All things are lawful to me, but they are not me.  Christ resides in my heart - it isn't as if I have to go to church to visit Him.  My life is His home.  What I feel, He feels.  He feels our inequities.   This is why God came to earth as a man, and that man was Jesus Christ.

If someone takes the time to read this and does not understand, leave a comment.  I'll get an email.  I'd love to answer you.  I've merely written what is on my heart.   God loves you immensely and you may not even be aware of it, or Him.  Or you may be in a faith that is breaking your back week after week due to the sin consciousness.  This is not what we became christians for.  Christ was the final lamb of God.  Hearing about sin, only makes us more aware of sin - the only thing that can change our lives is Jesus -- and knowing Him.  He came to save the world, not make it feel horrible for being human.  God made us human - and gave us a choice, what greater gift could we have been given?  What greater honor is there to Him than to choose Him?  Especially when one knows that from that choice, that decision is upon all foundation that lies our lives!  It isn't trivial, immature, unpopular or limiting to choose Jesus as your savior.  It is quite the opposite.  As God illuminates the morning sky, He will so beautify your life.  Where there was nothing, springs hope eternal.  It is just simply beyond explanation the heights and the depths in which Jesus will transform your world.  What do you have to do you ask?  Believe.  Believe that Jesus was the son of God, and that He came and saved the world.  I say "saved" because while we were yet sinners, He loved us.  You don't have to do anything to be saved.  There isn't a "getting ready" process as many believe.  You come as you are, and watch the transformation begin.  Jesus came to bring increase to the world, not decrease.  He wants you to prosper.

I don't know where all of this came from tonight other than feeling Jesus in my life.  Church was amazing, as it usually is - the power of God welled up inside of me.  I know I'm learning truth, for perhaps the first time in my life.  The foundation of God's word has been set, the branches growing prepared to bear fruit.  I know that there is a purpose for my life.  It begins and ends with Jesus.  

Finding hope in a narcissistic world.

I am infinitely aware of humans need  for self focus.  Try and start a conversation with someone and see where it ends up.  There is little give and take of information any longer - just try a little experiment with some one you 'sort of know' and see where it ends up.  I can nearly promise you it will end up on their story - their life, their worlds view.  Even if you started to tell them something important, or were a little upset.  We've become a generation of "Oh I have to tell you about me!!!"  And, "what was is again you were saying?"...  If that even enters their minds.  I don't think that I'm the only person on the universe that is burdened by these vampires.  That's what they do.  They suck the blood out of you and leave you bleeding.  I met a new one just recently.  I'd been hearing her details --- for a few weeks, and I needed someone to talk to badly, yesterday.  I did not get what I thought I'd get.  Or  I did get what I guess I usually do?  

Don't ever become a counselor and think that people will treat you like a regular friend.  It just won't happen.  They have alterer motives.   They're going to spill their guts, and hope you've got advice.  Even when you are in a t-shirt and raggedy shorts.  You are supposed to be on call 24-7.   I did not sign up for this --.  It seems it has altered every friendship I have but maybe, two.  However, people have always told me their whole life story, since I can remember.  I used to think it a incredible honor -- and at times it is.  Yet, there are times when I need a friend too, and most folks don't respect, nor care.  This makes me angry.  

It serves me no purpose to get angry, we live in a society that does not give a second thought to it's neighbor - probably  doesn't even know them.  And more than likely, doesn't want to.  This I find very disconcerting.  Simply, very, very, sad.  

The world has evolved so much that we think we don't need each other anymore.  I think it's mostly because of technology.  We have our phones, iPad, lap-tops, etc.  The machines have become what we depend upon.  It takes a tragedy for us to see that these things are temporal.    And it makes me wonder how God sees it.  If it, like so may other things that separate us, hurts Him?  He created us to work together.... and as our society has developed throughout time - we've managed to ease God out and machines in.  Are we better for it?  I think we like kids with new toys, fascinated, dumbfounded even - and driven further and further into ourselves.  Time is taken away from child rearing - friends don't meet face to face.  There's now "snap shot", where you take a photo of yourself that disappears in seconds, while you chat.... that has some parents highly concerned.  They talk to strangers, when there's a kid down the block that needs a friend. 

All of these things separate us and it makes me wonder, where is the Ark?  Or what ever means it is that is going to save this world.  I can help but think of it.  As we are driven farther and farther into ourselves and away from each other ... where does the God within us go?  It's certainly not producing any vines.  We no longer need Him as our Shepherd - there aren't any flocks.  Just single sheep.  An given, this is my world view.  

I just know that I'm a single person whom struggles with making any kind of new friend, for some reason.  I thought we were social animals (to coin a phrase) - but I'm not seeing it.  We're more like separate entities.  I don't understand it.  I guess I never will.  I don't see it changing much other than to just get worse.  This coming from a generally hope filled, inspired person - is not a good thing.

There is  no fellowship.  If you're not a part of a subculture, try and get in.  It's nearly impossible.  We've (well I did not, I have no children) raise a 'me' generation - and this is the result.  It's only going to get worse.  This makes me very sad.  And I don't have any answers.  I will rely on that which I know to be true, God.  It isn't what He intended, I will tell you that. 

It does however, make me ever so grateful for the people that are in my life, be them few.  I'm grateful that I am not the kind of person that is completely wrapped up in my own problems.  The most heart wrenching  factors in all of this is that we've stopped helping each other.  We've stopped being mankind.  There's a reason those two words are together!  Kindness, generosity, and altruism seems to be a thing of the past.  This is why when someone does something nice we hear it on the news, it happens so rarely.  Sure people open doors, and you'll get an occasional hello - but I'm talking deeper here.  Much deeper.  It's like you break a social norm when you're kind now a days.  I find that scary.  I would imagine, God does too.  

We are the only ones that can change this.  As hard as it might be -- learn to listen.  Learn to be comfortable with other people's pain. So what if you don't have the answers, none of us do. Know that we all are hurting- all of us in some way despite how we look on the outside, what we drive, where we live, and how many gadgets we have.  I'd say the more stuff, the greater the hurt.  You might just be surprised how badly some folks are hurting.  And you might just find out that you aren't alone in your suffering.  This is what God intended, why He gave us each other -  for us to help each other.  There's a little bit (or a BIG bit) of God in all of us.  He is there for a reason and if we yielded to His spirit of kindness, the world would be a better place.  

You are not alone, it just feels that way.  Reach to those you know you can find comfort, and treasure them with all of your heart.  Never let them go.  Tell them what they mean to you - and often.  People need, basic needs of 1) shelter.  2) food.  3) love and belonging.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are not whole because you have these needs.  I have a God that loves me more than I can ever fathom - it is that it is based in faith and I waiver at times.  I'm human.  I need other people, He designed us this way.  I'll get through this just like I've gotten through all the other difficult times in my life.  There is a reason I'm going through it.  I don't have to like it, but it would sure be nice to have someone to share it with - besides a machine.  But hey, I'm grateful for that too.  Maybe someone, will be enlightened, feel less alone, or inspired.   I can only hope.  

Discipline/Faith

I've been ill again.  I've had two UTI's and passed three or four kidney stones.  I thought for a moment that I was going to have to go to the hospital.  Most would have - but I have an extremely high pain tolerance.  It's either that or I'm just plain nuts.  I don't know which.  

I haven't figured out why I continue to become ill - I actually think I have a suppressed immune system.  I think, albeit the doctors cannot find, an autoimmune disease.  I suppose this is a good thing.  However, not knowing what is wrong, I continue to suffer from it.  It weakens (being sick all the time) the spirit, and wears on the mind.... tremendously.  It makes it very hard to stay on top of my studies.  I was able to finish a paper that is due, and I am grateful for that.  

After living life as a disabled person, where all that you have is time -- basically to do whatever you like; I'm finding study a hard application.  Most would say, "you've been ill Gina,"which is true, but life goes on...  Assignments are still due.  Reading must still be done.  I've found it difficult even when I've not felt ill.  This is more a matter of procrastination.  I've picked up some very bad habits in this life of leisure.  

I was reading my morning meditation books today, and having my time with God.  One of the things that I've greatly struggled with is in seeing God/Jesus as my Father.  I've since began to overcome this.  I have a note to self in the bathroom that says "Daughter."  It changes everything!  If one studies the bible, and understands the lineage of Christ - and what it means when we accept Him - we become a part of His family.  Our DNA is is changed.  What the bible says we are, we are - and what is says we have, we have.  If one believes.  I personally do.  This means that I am to conduct myself as such in the world.  This includes discipline.  It isn't just about faith anymore - although without faith it is impossible to please Him -- but it is now about character.  I've always aspired to have or be a person of integrity.  This was instilled in me as a child.  The one time I was punished, was for breaking a promise.  Obviously, it made its mark.  I hurt my Father, and I will never forget it.  I actually ended up having even worse consequences than the discipline - which is what I think my father knew would transpire.  He tried to protect me from this.  I was contumacious - willingly disobedient.  

I have been willingly disobedient quite a lot of my life.  It has brought great consequences.  I cannot say that my addiction problems were a matter of disobedience - for I know unequivocally that I had no choice while I was in the midst of that.  However, there were times, when I knew that I was doing the wrong thing.  It's an odd malady, to throw caution to the wind.  It's like a tornado.  Usually - all hell breaks loose.  I'm so grateful that I do not live that life today.  Yet, it has hindered my growth, and stunted my progress.  It brings on the "shoulds."

I still do not have the kind nor strength of faith that I'd like to have.  I'd like to have the kind that moves mountains.  That takes great discipline.  I am learning, growing, and discovering through God's wisdom - not my own.  For in all actuality my wisdom means little.  I want to be a woman with a heart of God - and with His understanding -- and I know that this is a tall order.  It will take me a lifetime.  Willingness is the key.  Willingness an discipline.  Self control and discernment.  It is actually not an easy endeavor.  Is there anything in life that is worth attaining, that means so much to us, that is?  No.  I believe all matters begin with our being honest with ourselves.  I think this a great truth.  

I have been considerably undisciplined.  This has to change.  Those of you that read my blog know that I view change as a gift.  Not everyone on this universe has the freedom to choose to change.  We do.  I consider it a privilege.  One of our many freedoms in this life.  I will overcome it, with faith, trust, and different behavior.  My Dad (God) would want me to....

Fear again

I've a million (or so it seems) thing going on -- I've started school, part time.  (YEAH, ME) However - I don't feel well, I've very fatigued, and just don't feel well at all.  I've been to Urgent Care twice, with reports of nausea, malaise, and the like.  The first time I went I had three infections: ear, sinus, and a urinary interact infection -- and I passed a kidney stone giving the urine sample.  So, for sake of wellness, we'll say - I was one sick puppy.  I got an antibiotic shot and pills....  yuck.

Now down the line a bit -- I cannot sleep - not like I should -- and the sleep is not refreshing.  I'm not able to study like I'd like.  When I do, it doesn't stick.  I get to class and the prof starts discussion and I'm like wha?  It's frightening to say the least.  Can I be this brain damaged from my meds, or the addiction?  I'm not feeling well, that's one thing.  I've been so fatigued, to the point of literally crying.  Exhaustion to where I cannot sleep.  I've searched everything reasonable, and I keep getting: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - things of that sort.  Things that can't really be "treated".  Good Lord, do I have to just live like this???

I have another Dr. appointment today, and class.  I'm beginning to fear both.  Oh, class will go well enough, I've reviewed the chapter - but when testing time comes, it's going to be scary.  I'm used to being (back in THE day) an A student.  Am I going to have to let this go?  Are those days gone because my health is just not what it once was, and I cannot get these physicians to hear me?  What does one do when the medical community seems to think that it's patients can "just deal?"  My second trip to Urgent Care was a blow.  The doctor basically told me that my meds needed adjusting.  Oh how nice of him.  And of course he had no suggestions.  He just did not want to deal with me.  No one ever does want to deal with me because I take narcotics.  You know what folks?  I have NO choice in the matter.  I could stay in bed and writhe in pain all day if that would make the medical community FEEL better about it.  I'm sick to death of the attitudes of doctors about narcotics.  If there were supplements that worked, I'd take them.  If there was anything else besides what I HAVE to take, I'd take it.  My stimulator doesn't even help anymore, it makes other parts of my body hurt.  (I have a Medtronic spinal cord stimulator for those of you that don't know, that causes vibrations in my body to disrupt the pain signal in my back) The problem with the stim is that it now vibrates my arm, all the way down my legs, my stomach -- places that I don't need it.  It makes me nauseated, and makes my legs hurt.

I apologize that this blog is not the most positive, but remember - I do get up and go.  I DO participate in life. I do wear a smile on my face.  I am a positive,active person.  However, there is so much behind my face.  So much to me that people would never, ever guess.  They'd never guess that walking is a chore, sitting hurts.  They'd never look at me and realize that 9 times out of 10, I have a headache, nor that my pain level is always at a 6 or greater, even with my meds.  We meet people at face value -- and that is just not the way it is.  It's the same thing as trying to know what a book is about by it's cover.  Oh, it may be fancy enough, and look suspenseful -- but you just never know until you've read it's pages.

I had an invitation to a writers circle from school just this last week.  Of course I accepted - and I read one of my blogs.  There wasn't time for feedback, and I don't ever get feedback on here, but there was a gentleman that came up to me after the session.  He asked me how to get to my blog, and we had a short conversation.  He gave me accolades for putting forth the effort that I do despite my circumstances.  He did not know, but he made my day.  It's very simple, and most people will not extend themselves to it - but if we could just tell each other that we appreciate each other more often -- life would be so much more worth living.  A simple pat on the back... it is so easy to do.  Our culture has gotten so far away from appreciating each other, that it is a shame.  We stick our heads in our devices... and you know the rest.  We rarely talk to each other (unless we know each other, or are friends) face to face.  We've formed little subcultures from these devices.  I don't like it.  I miss human contact.  I'm a people person.  I think at times it's 99% of what is wrong with America.

At any rate, I'm thankful, ever so thankful I have God.  Always thankful.  I'm struggling with fear in a lot of areas.  I'm afraid I'll fail, afraid my health is such that I cannot even do this.  That I was crazy to have even tried.  Then I ask myself where does this negativity come from?  Being afraid I won't do it perfectly?  That's probably it.  I have great difficulty with "being average" - and I don't like that, it seems so egotistical.  I'm not an egotistical person, at all - or at least I don't think!  I try and remain humble, kind, and always respectful.  I try to live with grace and honor.  Respect the things that make us good people.  As I'm finding out -- those things are subject to our culture...

I pray that God will see me through, and that my faith will hold me up.  Without faith, it is impossible to please God.  I want to please God.  It really is my highest aim in life.  All other things fall into place when I live a Godly life.  Jesus, to me was the ultimate human.  I adore Him.  I'm not religious - I have a relationship with Him.  There is a huge difference.  I'm going through some things, and I'm struggling - change always makes us bristle.  I usually balk at the stuff that I'm afraid of.  It's the perfectionist that my mother instilled into me.  I don't really like it.  I suppose none of us do.  Change is often hard - even positive change.

I went to the my doctor - and as it turns out it's my fibromyalgia.  It makes sense because I've been hurting all over and the fatigue - mental fog, well it goes right along with it.  She did an exam and it seems I'm having an episode.   It's the stress of school, my fears and what I was under having been so sick.  I kept pushing myself.  I did not rest.  I really couldn't school had just started.  Now I have too.  My body is forcing me too.  I guess the body really does know what it needs.  I've been so tired I've actually cried.  My poor body was screaming at me to slow down.  Life just doesn't always allow for it.

It's the holiday weekend, thank goodness.  I'll get a chance to just vegetate.  I can get caught up on my studies slowly and sleep all I want.  I should have went to my doctor in the first place.

The fear?  Well, I'm going to have to deal with that.  Exams have always been hard on me.  It all boils down to expectations.  Perhaps mine are a bit too high.  Maybe I won't be an A student any longer.  An perhaps I'll have to live with that.  I'll talk to God about it.  See what He has to say....

Hope ~ Faith

I've been struggling with some matters of the heart as of late.  Mostly because I love someone that I can't be with.  We've all been there.  I've wrestled with until I'm tired of it -- and I'm giving it to God.  This is where things belong - things that I cannot handle, nor change.  Matter of fact, everything in my life - belongs to God.  

I spent an entire day reading, crying, searching, and digging in my bible in search of answers.  I did find them.  God is always available - and I adore this.  I found scripture that I'd read before, but it had never been quite so illuminating as it was that day.  I've also been reading a book that God placed in my hands, "Healed Without Scars" by David G. Evans.  It spoke to me at Goodwill.  With my having had so many surgeries - and the emotional scars of my life... well the darn book jumped into my hands.  It has been exactly what I needed.  It is a book about spiritual healing through Jesus through our faith, and belief of His ability - and our accepting that healing.  WOW.  If you've read my blog, you know that with my physical pain, the trauma that I've been through - this is like a testament to the Lord in intervention.  There is even several chapters (which have blown my mind) about making the transition from out earthly fathers to our heavenly Father.  This is pure divine intervention.  It is exactly what I've been going through.  Tell me that my Father isn't telling His daughter, He knows her heart.  I'm humbled by His Grace, His love and His compassion for my iniquities.  

I could easily stop there, however there is a chapter dedicated to faith.  I like any human struggle with it at times.  I'm learning to lean not unto my own understanding -- for my wisdom in most situations, spares me little solace.  It is the mind of God I want to know.  The only place I'll find that is in prayer and in His word.  

I discovered about faith however, is that we are to have it more when we don't have it.  To believe when we don't believe.  To be expectant of great things in our lives when all seems bleak.  As crazy as that will sound to an unbeliever.  Life, the management of it - isn't about mulling through it were a mere job to complete to get to the end of the shift.  I do that sometimes, we all do.  I rarely do it now, because God has shown me how to rise above that mediocrity.  I expect the unexpected.  I dream for the impossible, and await my next miracle.  The bible is FULL of miracles, I know that they occur -- why would I not think them possible in my own life?  I know that in an instant, God can supernaturally (because He is God!!!) alter the conditions of my life at any given moment.  I've left the days of fear -- anxiety, bewilderment, and malaise.   I can have the kind of hope that moves mountains in my life.  There are things happening now that I never thought would happen -- and my heart desires more, and my Lord knows this.... Ask and it will be given to you...  

I've had my temptations as of late as well.  They are always there.  I'm having to work on myself on a daily basis.  I've found quenching in this scripture: 1 Corinthians 10:13 
"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man, but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but will also make the way of escape, that you may also be able to bear it."

I think that is awesome.  He's made a way for our escape!  He's made us able.  This gives me such hope.  

I want to live an "anticipant" life.  I want to see life in terms of what's the next great thing that's going to happen.  It just makes one be able to breathe in peace.  My Lord came that I might never see death - and that we would have life -- and have life more abundantly -- to save us from strife and turmoil.  In knowing this, if I see bad days, I'm choosing to do so.  He brought me the ability, strength and opportunity to have peace.  He gave me a comforter.  That is the most amazing thing, most heartfelt thing to me, on earth.  My own personal Holy Spirit.  How precious.  

All of us that believe that Christ lived, died and was resurrected, have a comforter.  I feel mine growing stronger everyday.  I honor the hope it brings.  I honor the growth that is happening in me.  From homelessness, to having a High Priest that sits at the right hand of God.  What a transition.  What God has brought me through.  

Encourage someone today.  Hug someone - be the light they can't see.  Dispense hope in a sometimes hopeless world.  Remind people that miracles still happen.  Lighten someone's burden.  Be the blessing that perhaps someone's never had.  Most of all, have hope, have faith.  Believe in the goodness of God - for ALL good things come from God.  Take it from someone who's had it manifest in their own life, God wants to give you the desires of your heart.  He loves you that much, and oh, so much more..........