The beauty of listening....

I never thought on the morning of surgery that I'd be at such peace.  I'm five days out of not smoking and I have no idea what that means in terms of withdrawal but I'm at peace.  My circumstances aren't all as I'd have them to be, but inside where it matters, I'm at such peace.  The peace that I keep finding is beyond words.  I'm finally fully understanding what my Savior would have for me, and that when I even take the smallest step towards Him in faith - He runs to meet me.  It is beyond words.

My pastor told me last night that I was glowing.... and it was funny because I'd been to Sephoria and had two different types of foundation on - one on one side of my face and another on the other -- to see which one matched... so I didn't even match!  But I KNEW that I was glowing...  I felt it.  I'd made through the most difficult day thus far and I hadn't smoked - and a big part of me wanted to.... a few times!  But I just kept repeating "I can't do this, but the Holy Spirit inside of me can!" -- and I made it.  Yesterday was the hardest day.

This is a much different transformation than I've ever gone through.  Much different because it is God that is doing the changing --- all that I'm doing is listening to His direction.  I'm staying out of the way.

I've lived my life full of worldly logic - Gina's smarts, and analytical mumbo jumbo... and you know what?  I've been doing the same work over and over again,  I believe because it was empty of any true direction from God.

I've always had the holy spirit inside of me -- and I've turned Him off a lot.  I'm not proud of that.  But something has changed.   I have matured.  I think I finally understand.  Glory be to God!  I was still not giving up my addiction for some kind of fear -- some kind of distrust of God.  I didn't even know it, wasn't even aware of it until now.

I was trying to live with half a "new man" and half my old ways!  And of course in grace - there was no condemnation!  Praise God the more that I heard grace, the more I heard the loveliness of Jesus -- it just crept into my soul and I could not deny it any longer - I had to let go of my old ways.  Perhaps they weren't horrible things -- and perhaps they weren't "sins" but it was not indicative of the real me as a new creation in the eyes of God!  I'd heard what the holy spirit had said to me, but I was not being obedient.  I didn't want to give up those things.  But now, I freely do !!!  I give them up and more if need be because I want to live as closely to whom God would have me be as humanly possible!  I've tasted this transformation -- walked in this light of the spirit and it's beauty is immeasurable!!  So much that I've no fear today!

"And be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God to true righteousness and holiness."  Ephesians 4:24

I know that I cannot convey how I feel.  I'm renewed.  My mind and my spirit.  I feel like a little kid with awe and wonder.  The amazing part is that this is just the beginning...  and I have childlike anticipation!  Only God knows where He'll take me from here.  And He's in the miracle business.

To think all it took was for me to listen to the holy spirit inside of me.  Thank you Jesus for our internal version of You.  We are the most blessed humans on earth.  Thank you Jesus for where You are taking me, and for the patience that You have had with me.  I will forever glorify YOU.  Your mercy, Your love, Your patience, and especially Your grace.... I'm listening now..... In Jesus Precious Name. Amen.

Vulnerable no more.

I never though I'd be  able to say that.  How glorious it is to be at peace.  How delicious it is to be at rest.  The kind of rest that only the Father can give.  The kind of joy that only His mercy can provide. Mercy that I don't deserve, but that He freely gives, even to a once broken child like myself.

This is the first time since my earthen father passed that I've felt this kind of peace.  I've always felt so vulnerable in the world.  Like something was missing.  Something was missing, my Father was gone.  I couldn't make the transition from my earthen father to my heavenly Father.  Praise God... I think it's finally taken place.

Love for me, was a double edged sword.  It was a good thing, but more often than not, it was painful.  My mom used it so often to manipulate and serve her never ending needs.  I was never enough, no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I always failed.  This stayed with me into adulthood.  I've been facing these issues.  I've been battling these issues my entire life.  Because of this - I couldn't fully trust - not people and especially not God.  This hurt me deeply.  It seemed impossible for me to overcome this.  I knew intrinsically she did not love me, despite what came out of her mouth.

How I became a person with such high hopes, I'll never know.   My father's unconditional love and constant praise saved me.  My grandmother and my father were the source of love that literally saved my life.  If not for them, I really would hate to ponder where I'd be -- if I'd be alive today.  I was a hull of a person up until my mid 20''s as it was - barren of personhood.  I had no goals, no real sense of who I was, nor any idea how to find myself.  I just existed.  My life was a series of negative, risky  behaviors to try to elevate pain or fill up the enormous hole in my gut.   I tried filling it with anything and everything that seemed like it might be better than the shame and devastation that I felt.  Life or I just did not matter.  How could it?  I'd not mattered to one of the most important people in my life, my mom.  The really sad part was that I loved her so.  All I ever wanted was her time, attention, love, and approval.

I know now that it was not my fault.                          She could not give what she did not have.

What a miracle it is for me to not need her.  What a miracle it is that I'm okay.  That I'm better than okay.  That I don't have to fill that hole with anything any longer.  That there is no hole anymore.  That I'm whole now.  Praise God.  I can be alone and not lonely.  I can be alone and enjoy it, enjoy my company.

It's okay that my journey has taken me thus far.  It's been an incredible journey.  God's been right here the whole time.  As I look back, God and only God has gotten me through.  It's okay that I need God. This is a reliance that is healthy.  I've a healthy relationship with God.

I knew God at an early age.  I knew Him but not like I know Him now.  I need Him now.  It is okay to need Him.  He is everything to me.  He has taught me how to love even when I don't want to, because He did.  He has healed my heart.  I know that if I hadn't been through what I did, I'd never have needed Him so.  I praise Him for this. It has made me who I am.  I like me.  I no longer have lack.  I no longer feel empty.  I no longer feel broken.  I'm no longer vulnerable in this world.  Thank God for His mercy, His precious grace - for while we were yet sinners, He died for us....  There is nothing more beautiful than that....<3

Because I Matter...

I'm learning.  I'm learning at an astonishing rate.  It's actually so much, I can hardly accommodate it.  There are so many theme's occurring, so many layers, that I know it will take me months if not years to assimilate all of this to my life.  It's okay - I knew that this would be the case.  It is just so mind boggling to be in the midst of such a transformative force.  

I am discovering that there really needs to be some changes made in my life.  Serious changes.  It may mean that I need to remove some people and make some different choices.  All of it is not completely clear.  However, I know that it will become increasingly more vivid as time brings it into perspective.  

You see, I've not really mattered to myself throughout my life.  As hard as that is to admit.  I say that with all candor.  I say that with all humility.  I say that to right the wrongs, and heal the wounds in my heart.  

I had a mother that did not give me love.  She did not give me affection.  She was cold and unfeeling.  She was distant.  In return - I felt unloveable.  I felt alienated.  I felt different.  I felt like a nonentity.  I did not have a sense of personhood.  I did not MATTER.  What I felt did not matter, what I thought did not matter, what I needed did not matter, who I was did not matter... and on it goes.  

As a result of this one can only imagine the consequences that followed.  When a person does not know who they are, or have a sense of self, they will search to find, and fill the empty spaces with anything that gives the appearance of fulfillment.  They will look to anything or anyone that appears to have the answers, unwittingly search, seek, touch, taste, and tempt any direction that seems to fill the empty vastness within their void.  

I've written about my addiction -- which was an automatic reaction to my plight.  I sincerely believe this.  Without genetic predisposition - which I had - the most natural response to the emptiness that I felt would have been to reach for a substance to make me feel normal.  I am not excusing myself, in any manner, shape, nor form.  Not that addiction needs an excuse, it is a disease.  A "dis- EASE."  A dis quiet of the soul.  It is a screaming of sorts out of our inner most being, to relive the pain.  At least it was in my case.  Feeling numb was the only answer to not knowing who I was.  Or where I belonged.  I had to quiet the questions, I had to quiet the devastating, unending pain.  

Now having been taught, after two treatments, a different way to live; I did excel.  Yet, I still did not feel like I fit.  I still had not hit upon the heart of the matter.  I became "sobriety".  I attacked it with every fiber of my being.  I mastered it.  So much that I became "queen".  I became a "Counselor."  It wasn't my job - it was who I was.  It was my identity.   I was damn good at something for the first time in my life.  Well, actually as I recollect, I had became good at everything that I aspired to be, even a drug addict.  I had to, because I had nothing else.  If I was someone's girlfriend, I had to be the best.  It had to cover my shame.  The shame of not knowing who I was.  The shame of all the past mistakes, things that had happened to me, shame that I wasn't lovable, shame that I did not matter.  My life HAD to outrun the shame.  

Now if you know anything about AA - you know that you deal with this in the 4th and 5th step - and then in the 10th step.  I worked those steps until my minds ached.  But I got too good at it.  I got arrogant.  When I became a counselor -- I thought I did not need AA anymore.  Alas, I relapsed.  My life went into a terrible shame-filled spiral.  I worked living a lie.  

Now I won't bore you with the whole story.  One can read past blogs and find that three years ago I found grace.  Grace and peace through Jesus Christ.  The only One that can give it.  I am no longer under the condemnation and shame that I once lived under.  This has brought me to where I am now.  I am free from the addiction, and able to define myself in His grace.  

My journey is brining me to a quiet, still place.  A place where I am at rest.  A place where I can look at my past but not be defined by it.  Where I can examine losses and feel my feelings with out fear.  I can communicate effectively what needs to be said in the here and now.  I know that my Savior holds me in His hands.  Me.  Not who I think someone what's me to be, but me.  The one who matters.  

I have a spirit, and I have a soul.  I do matter.  I finally matter to the one that matters!  ME!  I matter to the one that's needed to matter my entire life!  As silly as this may seem to others, it does not matter to me, because all that matters is that I matter to me!  Oh what a  transformation this is!  What a declaration this is!  What freedom.  No longer do I have to feel the emptiness that I felt and search for meaning.  I am home.  I am here.  I matter.  

Why did I write this?  I wrote this for anyone out there that struggles with feeling like they don't belong.  I wrote this for anyone that might struggle with feeling like they don't matter, for whatever reason.  I know that I am not alone.  I know that there are others who's mother did not give them what they needed.   Others who must struggle with this in adulthood.  I know that people are wounded.  We're a wounded society.  I write so that others will find hope in my struggles.  That others will find strength in my battle.  Find encouragement in my truths.  Because I matter.  

Becoming...and the spaces in between.

Isn't life just a series of becomings?  It seems to be to me.  I suppose it's mostly about the rebirthing process, out of some sort of mental darkness into clarity of personal truths.  There are some times in life that are more illuminating than others, and that happens to be one of those times for me now.

It's interesting how things come to you, and it begins a path that you did not know that you'd take, and all of the sudden your right in the midst of it.  This is magical living.  I don't believe in "magic" - I akin it to the supernatural of Jesus.  Answers to prayers.  Oh, how God answers prayers in such mysterious ways, with such amazing people.  I cannot express this enough.  My life right now, is filled with them.  Amazing people.  Amazing people of God.

It takes me back to the Hero's journey -- the delve into the unconscious, and the helpers that the hero discovers along the way on his/her  path to transformation.  Each and everyone has a particular role to play - a part to the puzzle of life, if you will.  It it so with us.  We are all unique individuals with special talents and gifts -- sometimes sitting on the sidelines waiting our entire lives for just that brief encounter with someone, that affects their life in amazing ways.  I can attest to this, I've had it happen too many times to discount it.  God gives us not only a lamp unto our feet in His word but living, breathing testimonies to help support and guide us along the way.  Jesus shows up in the neatest places!

I'm going through two therapies right now.  I'm in process of completing a grief/loss therapy and I'm in regular therapy also.  Both are weekly right now.  It's pretty intensive as one could imagine.  I'm not afraid of change.  I've not been afraid of change for some time now - for I know in Whom my peace lies.  Alls I'm trying to do is heal some of the emotional scars that are present in order to be as open to life, and love more fully.

I want to "taste" each day.  I want to rejoice and be glad in it.  There are just days when I don't and I want to release whatever this might be... and let my light shine.  I want to live, love, give, serve, confess, everything and anything that the Lord might have me do... and I don't want anything to be in my way.  Nothing.  Not in my past, not now, not ever.

Now a person might say, "aren't you trying to fix everything?"  No, actually it isn't even I that does the changing.  It is God.  I've been through some pretty difficult things.  I think my "part" is to look at it.  I believe I have to feel the emotion that is involved, that is my responsibility.  There are  those that think they can just "jump" over this, that there isn't any need in healing emotionally.  I do not agree.  My health and my wholeness is a process of being emotionally honest with myself.  Grief, loss, what ever may be the case -- needs to be addressed before I move on, or else it's like excess baggage that I carry with me, unkempt and undone.  I cannot live life fully, nor entirely alive.  I will not be fully alive.  And I want to be fully alive!  I'm tired of things happening and my responses to them being off kilter.  I want to be free of the past to not reach back for OLD tools to solve todays problems.  I want NEW tools for the present moments!!!!  I just happen to believe that for Gina, the chest of losses needs to be cleaned out.

I want to be open to fully love.  To fully feel.  To  not expect what happened in my past to repeat itself because I've not healed.  I earnestly believe it drags me down.  I'm tired (sick and!!!) of the recollection of pain in my life.  I'm drawing back the curtain on these past losses and letting them know that this is the last time that they will haunt me.   This is the last time that they will have power over me.  I'm forging a new horizon, a new path --- one that is free from the bondage of past drives, reactions, and negativity.   I will become the woman that the Lord has destined me to become -- free from the shackles of that  misery.

Times of transformation are exhausting.  Everyone will not be in agreement with you.  You will have those that think that you are nuts for even taking on such a journey.  There will be those that believe that God can change all this in an instant.  I believe that He can too -- but for whatever reason, this is MY PATH.  I don't expect anyone else to understand and I don't care if they do.  It's my walk with Jesus, not theirs.  I don't walk around "all healed up" --- and FINE.  I don't believe that in the first place.  Fine is a  lie.  Fine is a shield that people put up to discourage others from asking what's really going on.  It creates distance-- that's what it's designed to do.  No human is "fine".  We are much too intricate, alive, and vast beings to simply be "fine."  It's a cop out.  It merely means, I'm not going to tell you......

I'm not your average grace believer.  I'm seriously okay with this.  It makes me an oddball.  I don't fit in, but this is totally okay.  It's my journey with Jesus.  I wouldn't take anything in the world for it.  I am not stressing over it, because I know who my Savior is, and I know where my help comes from.  I'm not deluded enough to think that I can do this alone.  I would have never taken this on, if not for Jesus.  He has led me down this path.  Jesus and only Jesus knows why I need to do it this way.  This is all the validation that I need.  I don't need a church, nor it's people to tell me what, nor how I need to live my life.  The holy spirit inside of me leads me.

So for now -- I'm in the spaces in between.  I'm in a somewhat painful place.  It won't last forever, and I encounter those that don't understand.  It's okay --- they don't have to.  It's my journey.  God keeps giving me what I need as I go.  So far, it's been pretty amazing.  The things that I'm finding out about myself are painful at times, and healing must take place.  This is okay too.  God's got me.  It I did not have the relationship with Jesus that I have, I'd never be able to take this on.  I'm learning so much, and there's great peace in the truth.  There is solace in the pain of becoming.

Just ask the butterfly.....

A valiant quest.

I began a journey today.  One I've taken before.  One of which there seems to be no end.  I'm okay with this -- for it is life, for some.  Few actually, when I really think about it.  Few face the fear and delve into the inner recesses.  I liken it to a hero's journey.  For it takes great courage.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl.  She was a quiet, shy little girl, that needed much love.  Although she needed it, she did not get it.  Not from the one person that she needed it from the most.  She did not understand this, and it made her quite weary, afraid, and she felt very much alone in the world.  Alone, afraid and different - she like to hide from people an pretend that she was invisible.  She felt as if she were anyway.  She'd hide for hours on end, but no one came to look for her, and it just made her feel that much more insecure.  For life is uncertain, when you are not loved.

People don't understand when I say or explain that it was my mother that didn't love me.  I've had this confirmed by her.  My mother told me that she hated me when I was a child.  I don't know how to respond to this.  I know what my childhood was like, and it makes sense.  I was broken even back then, and I knew it.  I knew that she did not love me.  No one had to tell me, I intrinsically knew it.  It was palpable.  The distain that she had for me.  Her own child.  Her only daughter.

So she dressed me up in pretty clothes, and paraded me around.  I guess that's all she knew to do with me.  She certainly did not know how to love me.  What I can remember was a succession of memories of where I was either a manipulative tool or a show piece to the world.  Brutal as this may sound, I don't care anymore.  My mother was narcissistic, and could not see beyond her own selfish desires.  If there were anything being done with me, on any level it was to her advantage.  It was to glorify her.  How does a child respond to this?  They don't develop a sense of self.  Without a mirror -- there is no formation of personhood.  I felt like a nonentity.

If it had not been for my father and grandmother's love, I do not know.  I feel it in the pit of my stomach now.  That emptiness.  That void.  That lack of consistency that I know in my head a mother must provide.  The enormity now that grace provides me.  Oh how I know that the Father has led me here, with intent.  To the inexplicable love of the Father.  It's boundless... unending.

My journey has taken me into her past, and helped me understand what she went through.  WE CANNOT GIVE WHAT WE DO NOT HAVE.  This has screamed at me, since I was in my twenties. The Hand of God has directed me into this truth.  He has guided me, protected me, nurtured me, held me, enlightened me, and endured with me.  Mine has been a hero's journey.  One with a huge loss but a immeasurable gain... and I stand whole, loved and tethered.  His love never fails.  I've had to learn this.  Never gives up on me.  No matter the mistakes I make, and I've made huge ones.  It's the one thing that I've never understood from my mother or many humans... CONSTANT.  My emotions waver, they falter - but not my Father's love!

So, I dig again and I aim to remove all residue of belief that I am unloveable.  I remove all resolve that I didn't deserve to be nurtured.  I delve into the emotional recesses of my mind and heart that I was ever a burden.  If it takes another disillusion of beliefs and illusion - I delve.  This will be the final internment.  I will not do this again.  I will arise the creation that my Father intended for me to be!!!!  I face whatever pain that may be waiting.  I embrace it.  I will be what my Father created me to be, despite the damage done by my mother, assorted relationships, my addictions, etc.  I have done as much damage to myself as anyone.  For it is I who have tried to fill that huge crevasse with things, substances, people, and food.  Empty is painful when you don't understand how you got that way.  When you yearn for fulness.

And so the journey begins.

Let Grace cover the earth!

http://nearsay.com/c/23946/23617/grace-encounter

The link above is to one of the most amazingly anointed, men of God I've ever known.  I have  no words to explain how what it is to be in this man's presence, little alone to study under his teachings.   It is ineffable.  

His teaching is that which of I write....of Grace.  Of precious Jesus.  For many, unlike anything you've ever heard before.  You just might find yourself as I did, set free.  It's transformed my life, and nothing would make my heart leap with joy more than to pass this on and have the message of grace touch souls.  Let it pull you home.  From where ever you are.  God is not mad, and He's especially not mad at you.  He loves you more than you could ever imagine.  He is the what set love into motion, and you think he does not know how to love you??  He created love!  He created us to love!  Yet we look to people to fulfill this, and they cannot.  Then we blame God.  Interesting concept really.  He did not make us perfect... but we forget, and ache for it, that connection --- when we need to be looking to our Father for that.  He is the only One that can fulfill that need.  He was, He is, and He will always BE!  Past, present, and perfect tense!  Perfection!  

Of course Pastor Paul White is always available at Midland Church or Paulwhiteministries.com.  All of the sermons are archived and are free for the download or lifestream.  Hallelujah!! If you get a chance to see this man, do not pass it up.  You WILL be blessed.  I promise you.  You will not be the same.  Grace.  What a precious gift.  

Grace and Peace to you.

Learning/trusting/growing...Grace 101 again.

Faith is an amazing thing.  Mine has been growing by leaps and bounds.  I've had a bad experience, yet I know that what man uses for evil, God will use for good.  

We had a different Pastor Wed. night at or church - and he was amazing.  He preached on what it meant for him to be "in grace."  It was so beautiful.  He inspired me so.  I've been struggling quite a bit, as of late.  As those of you know that read my blog - I'm trying to let go of the old dreams and beliefs if you will - of marriage.  This is not an easy feat.  However, I've not given it much thought as of late.  I know that I need to, I need to do that inner work, and I will - I guess I've identified it, but just not all the way ready.  I have a chance to do some grief work, and I'm going to take it if it fully comes to fruition.  

I've had several eye opening things happen the past week.  Several blessings, and some sad events.  Yet, I'm more and more convinced that the less that I focus on my circumstances, the better off that I am.  I so feel reborn everyday, in grace.  I could write about it for what seems lifetimes.  I had the grand blessing of having lunch with a friend, just off the cuff today - and we discussed just that - and she's just learning about grace. As I witnessed to her (praise God for the opportunity) I found myself with chills twice.  Oh how I wish that everyone knew of the joy, the ineffible joy of that which I speak.  

Having the knowledge that I'm not under the law of sin and death any longer - has given me a freedom from shame, worry, anxiety, fear, angst, ETC!  I used to live under such condemnation.  And all the while the bible told me "there is therefore no condemnation in Christ Jesus."  But no one ever taught me this.  No one ever really taught me that I have the mind of Christ.  Or that I or now have been adopted into His family.  That He calls me friend.  I knew that He laid down His life for me, but I never really understood what this meant.  I never knew that the handwriting of ordinances was nailed to the cross with Him.  Nor did I have any idea what that meant! It was the law of sin and death!  I had not had it explained to me that we were no longer under the old covenant.  How sad this is.  How burdened I was.  How horribly burdened I was, and how "do good to get good", I tried to live my life.  I was a sinner.  Period, saved by grace and that was all that I knew -- and that wasn't even safe, because when I sinned, God turned His face from me.  No wonder people turn there backs on God, they think He turns His face from them!!!

I'm free today.  Free because my Savior Finished the work!  There is nothing that I can do, or need to do that can add anything to that -- and how arrogant, and ridiculous to thing (for me) that we could help God?  How much power do we really think that we have?  Ah, but we do have power.  Just not to add to what Jesus did! 

Now you might as what does that have to do with my growing?  EVERYTHING!!  Because my hope is in Him.  My life, everlasting.  I have Christ inside of me in the form of the holy spirit - all of us do -- the moment that we accepted Christ - and He is changing me.  He is changing me from the inside out.  AS only He can do.  I so used to believe that it was up to me to do the changing but I've since learned that it is Christ that does the evolving.  My sprit man grows because of Christ inside of me, the hope of glory.  I'd share the gospel with anyone that would listen and by gospel - I mean "good news."  I've repented - changed my mind  about who I am, what I have, and what I can do.  Christ answers prayer. The bible say's, all that we have to do is to but ask.  

Now I can take the time to go back and prop all of this up with scripture, but I write this for inspiration - hope, faith, it is not  written to sway nor convince anyone of anything.  It is of my experience.  I hope it enlightens, and the main thing for me is that I write that of what the holy spirit puts on my heart - from the heart.  I truly believe what is written of the heart, is heard with the heart.  I do not have to "prove" anything today.  It just isn't about this for me.  The statement, "It Is Finished!" - is in perfect tense, it was, it is, and it will always be!  Praise God!  If one knows what that means, hallelujah!!!  Then intent is to witness straight out of my heart, and I do that each and every time I write.  

The word intent has hit me as of late. Intentions.  My mind swirls with thought on this....to be continued....

        I have this image in my desktop.  I meditate on it.  It is mindful to me as beautiful as it is, that one might just join Christ on the water as Peter did hand in hand with Jesus.  My mind gravitates to when Jesus lets go.  Can I find rest in my faith alone?  Can if find solace with my spirit man?  Will there be more rain, or is the storm breaking?  Am I on solid rock?  Knowing what I know must merge with my heart, or I only protest.  Can I walk this out?  My mind and my heart, resoundingly say - yes, I can.  I will trust as I wait for new doors and pathways to emerge - and for my Lord to reveal answers that I seek.  I will hold fast for the glory of God.  As sure as the sun rises in the east, and the birds beacon the new day before the sun's rise - God will unveil the promises in my life.  I proclaim this with joy in my heart!!!  With gratitude in my soul.  Tenderness and new mercies arise on my heart...  I love my Lord.  What a journey I have been on, and how immeasurably I am blessed.  Praise God!!!  I thank God in advance for all that He is doing that I have not the foresight to see, but know in my heart, and trust.  My heart burst with expectation because of the love of my Lord!!! 

My Savior is at rest, how can I not be?  One would think with all of these questions I'm not at rest.  It is just not so.  I am naturally inquisitive.  I suppose it a childlike quality that I have.  I bubble with energy mentally at times - I wish it were physical!  Albeit, I like who I am in Christ, and that is all one could really hope for.  I know that people don't get me, however, I'm content in my world.  I praise God for this mind, evolving as it is.... 
may the Lord of my life, my Beloved continue to refine me, and hone me according to His will.  Amen.