Accepting loss and allowing grief.

Grief.  I'm no stranger to it.  I wouldn't say that I like it, but I do know that it's transformative.  Grief in and of itself can only leave you a better person, if you allow it's ebb and flow of emotionality.

My beloved pastor is leaving in a few short weeks.  Even as I write this, I feel the pain inside of my heart.

This man who if so dear to me is not only leaving our church, but he is quite possibly leaving the country -- and although I have accepted the facts, I am still heartbroken.  Part of me doesn't know yet what emotions I will feel or experience.  I've been to him several times for counsel, and hold him so dear to my heart - for I've shared some deep things of my heart with him, things that had held me hostage for many years.  Releasing those secrets set me free.

Secrets keep us sick and stuck.  Secrets never mean as much to others as they do us.  Revealing dark and heavy truths about oneself can only bring new life and entrap false fears, releasing new freedoms.    The greatest barrier to truth is our own minds.

I feel so deeply about the above statements, else I wouldn't write it.  I realize that it doesn't really fit - but it bares writing and spreading all over the entire world....  people walk around in prisons of their own making, much to often from false fears appearing real...

I've shared here what those secrets were.  This is how free I am now.  I live my life like an open book, and I don't fear much.  Some say that this makes me a remarkable woman - but I just say, "it's all Jesus."

My pastor preaches the loveliness of Jesus, week after week.  He paints a picture of how beautiful Jesus is.  He describes His life, His love, His truth, His faithfulness.  There have been so many Sundays that I walk out of that church on air... three feet off the ground because Jesus has been revealed.  Pastor Paul is so anointed, he is an amazing man.  I'm going to miss him like something awful.  I dread his last Sunday - and I know it's going to hurt really, really, bad.

I've seen pastor several times when I was really upset, or struggling with things.  He has always been there for me...  But he has equipped me with enough of Jesus that I know that I'll be alright.  I know why he is leaving and I know that there are others that need him as badly as I did.  I want those people to have the same opportunity to know how beautiful Jesus is too.  It is only right.  I don't like the grieving process, but I accept it.  It is here and coming and I have little choice.  Not being a person that chokes down my feelings, I have to face this head on.

God to me is like a diamond.  He is multi-faucited, brilliant and ever so beautiful.  Like all the colors of the rainbow -- His love shines.  He can't but illuminate all that He touches.  I bought pastor Paul a diamond paperweight.  I hope he likes it, for it is my concrete representation of what he has given me.  God's love, in all it's majesty.  God's love is so vast, and so beautiful -- it can't but not light up all that it is therein.

Pastor Paul has given me such a beautiful gift.  He really had taken me on a path back unto myself.  A path back to loving myself, accepting myself, being kind to myself.   He's given me the beautiful gift of loving others.  He's taught me how to love, period.  Saying good-bye is going to be difficult, at best.  I will trust however, because pastor taught me about seasons of life.  Things always work in seasons.  This is a season...  and I will wait upon God, for I know that he has amazing things in store of pastor and me.  It will be a painful time, but pain brings change.  Change is a gift.  Never forget this.  It is the heartbeat of who we are as American's.  I will embrace it.  God is with me, every step of the way and the Holy Spirit will lead me.

Isa.  40: 31 (NKJV)
But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength:  They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

2nd Corth.  4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart.  Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day, for our light affliction which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things that are seen, but at the things that are not seen.  For the things that are temporary, but the things that are not seen are eternal.

2nd Corth.  5:5-9.
Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has also has given us the spirit as a guarantee.  So we are always confident knowing while we are at home in the body are absent from the Lord.  For we walk by faith now by sight.  We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.

God has given us His spirit as a guarantee!  Where else in life do you get this?  Nowhere!  I trust today, I accept.  The light of the path will be shown.  Don't believe for a moment that grief is in "stages", or phases.... it's just not true.... we're dealing with broken hearts, not broken minds.  Our minds know full well what it is that's taking place, it's the heart that must heal...  Allow your heart to heal, however it needs to.  Know that God isn't some man walking beside you on some beach somewhere -- His spirit is inside you!  The holy spirit holy spirit guides us everyday.  God's never walked beside you.  His spirit has always been inside of you from the very first moment that you accepted Christ as your Savior.  Trust Him that he will guide you, lead you, and keep you safe, every last step of the way.

I pray for my pastor.  I am excited for the people that will hear precious grace for the first time.  How that fire will engulf their hearts!  Just as it did mine.  He will undoubtedly make a joyful noise unto the Lord!  He will carry the Gospel to other nations just like it says in the bible.  How pleasing this must be to The Lord.  I am happy for him and his family, how excited he must be for his new journey!  There just are times when we must lay aside our own selfishness and bless those whom we love.... For he is my brother in Christ.   Amen.

Humility in an answered prayer.

I've been very angry as of late.  An angry depression - I'm guessing.  It's so unnatural for me.  It feels very foreign.  I am not the angry type of person, not at all.  It's robbing me of my peace - or rather as I've learned, I'm allowing it.  I've felt much like a run away train on a path of destruction.  My feelings have felt so completely out of control, and it has seemed to get worse by the day.  I've had to cut down my consumption to caffeine - for that just makes me fly into a rage.  Yes, me -- rage.  My friends are concerned, my closest, flowered.  I am in the midst of so much emotional change.  I really dislike it, but God has shown me this morning that there is something that I can do about it....   I'm praying that this is the answer.  

I've been on a pride run.  I've been overly consumed with big ole me.  God revealed to me, kind of woke me up this morning and I stumbled upon a sermon by Andrew Wommack about humility.  He defined pride like I'd never had it before.  Pride define as selfish-centerness.  

I've always felt different than other people.  Since I was a small child.  I was so shy.  Awkward even one would say - afraid of everything.  Now growing up with an overbearing Mother did not help, one that taught her children that we were to be seen and not "heard."  So I adapted into a meek little thing, with few words.  Fear as my constant companion, I often hid, in closets, under tablecloths or anywhere else I could find where people wouldn't see me.  then came the day that my Mother decided that she wanted me to model clothes for the local department store....  I was in horror!  She made me walk with books on my head, taught me to pivot and walk just like the rest of the girls on the "runway."  I was afraid of all of this, even at home.  I to this day, I don't even remember having to  perform when I was a child, it's a blank in what is the rest of my childhood.  There is a huge part of it that is just that -- blank.  It has often made me feel inferior, while other people remember their past as a kid, I just smile and wonder what mine was like.  Oh I remember some stuff, but not the vast majority of it.   I do know however that my feeling different is what led me to drinking and using drugs, for when I got my hands on my first tranquilizer and it kicked in -- all I could think about was how it made me feel, and how I wanted to feel this way, the rest of my life.  It made me feel "normal", or what I imagined normal was.  For once I felt like I fit, but in reality, I did not "feel" at all. I was numb.  I sought the next 13 years (and more) of my life chasing that feeling prior to my first treatment.  

What does this have to do with humility?  Well, today I realized or learned rather that low self-esteem is really self-centeredness   Mine was an inflated sense of self.  In reality all I thought about was myself.  How uncomfortable I was, how afraid, how this and how that.  It's the same thing that I've been doing as of late.  

Humility on the other hand, isn't concerned with who is right - it is concerned with what is right.  It is about being humble.  I've considered myself to be humble for the last say 5 years of my life -- I esteem myself to be.  I strive (per se) to be.  As a christian and a lover of Jesus -- who was the ultimate in humility, I try to let Him shine through me.  I've not been doing that as of late.  I've been concerned with not letting people get over on me.  When in reality --- so what if they do?  Is the world going to end?  No.  I've stopped believing that God handles the consequences.  Somewhere in there I've let myself become magnified... and I don't like it, one bit.  It's not only not good for me, it's not characteristic of me.  

I prayed and have been praying.  This morning I got an answer to my prayer though that sermon "Humility in Grace."  It told me so much.  We even stood and received prayer for the holy spirit to change us.  I earnestly accepted and took into my spirit that prayer.  You see, if I am to be "dead to the things of this world".... then the things of this world won't affect me.  Mr. Wommack illustrated that if you have a dead body in front of you, you can do anything to it and it won't react.  This is the way that we are supposed to be in this world. I believe that we can be this way the more we live in Jesus.... we or I can turn the other cheek and not let my ego go unchecked running rampant in my life if I just rely on Christ.  So what if I don't get "my" way?  In all reality it isn't about me, it's about Jesus in me.  I used to live like this.  

Proverbs 13:10 - By pride comes nothing but strife, but with the well advised comes wisdom. 

I no longer want strife.  I want the Lord's wisdom.  I want His Grace.  I accept the answer to my prayer.  I'm going to step out of the way.  I know that there will be trials ahead.  I will remember.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me ---  Gal. 2:20 (partial)      

Philippians 4: 6-9 (NKJV)

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Finally brethren, whatever things are noble, whatever thing are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy –meditate on these things.  The things, which you learned, and received, and heard, and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. 

Amen.

Love. Mercy. Grace.

As I sit here this morning, I've thought of many things.  As I do when I think of writing, a feeling overtakes me.  I think of Father God and all that I've been through.  I think of the love that is never ending - the constancy I'd never known - and how this has affected my life.  These are the times when there just aren't words.  Words fail when it comes to describing the Father's steadfast, enduring, heartfelt love.  His mercy so great that one's heart feels as if it might burst with such feeling of earnest emotion.  Never will I be able to describe it, nor in all actuality live my life to the full that I know that the Lord would have me.  Do not be confused, this has nothing to do with working to pay the Lord back, not to live up to some "standard", or fulfill some payment -- but how I know that my Savior would have me live in the riches of happiness.  I say that with sadness, a transfixed emotion -- because of God's true nature.  

What do I mean by that?  I believe God loves hanging out with us.  He walked with Adam in the cool of the day in Eden.  We were created by God I believe for his pleasure.  Not as we think of pleasure, but an unconditional love like we cannot even fathom.  This I believe, is how His mercy is so great.  All because He loves us this much.  It's taken me my entire life to come to this understanding or consciousness.  

I think about how I love people.  It pales in comparison (mine) to how God must love us.  I think of the comprehension that I have of unconditional love.  It must merely be the tip end of a pencil to how God loves.  Oh, how this warms my heart.  How it enlarges my heart.  How it fills my heart with great joy.  It is my driving force.  Love, mercy and Grace.  God's grace.  

And  what of the poem above?  God answers my prayers in astounding
 ways. In such creative ways sometimes I have to chuckle.  Sometimes I am in such awe of the mind of God.  In truth, I'm always humbled by the mind of Christ.  

I've been struggling as of late, grappling with anger and things of this nature.  I've been flying off the handle and it seems I cannot control it.  It's a season of difficulty for me right now.  I don't know it's purpose.  I am assured of one thing:  God has one.  What God brings you to, He'll bring you through.  

I prayed yesterday to see something beautiful.  Today God brought me to some of my past writings.  He led me to remembering someone that I love deeply.  He gave me precious sleep.  All of these things led me to remember that what I felt Sunday at church - I will be eternally grateful to have been made known to a God of consistent love.  I'd never known a love like this.  Love that endures.  

I love people, love a lot of people.  When I pray for them I ask God to scoop them all up in a net like structure for fear of forgetting someone -- much like the  nets the disciples used in the bible when fishing with Jesus.  Then I pray for them.  It is my way of getting everyone.  I guess I've had faith that it works.  The faith is the key....

May you have faith today.  Even if it's just a little.  For we're all given a measure of it.  It waxes and it wanes and this is okay.  Just have it.  Nourish it.  Cherish it.  Let it be your little light that shines.  Believe and know that the Lord loves you beyond your comprehension.  More than you mother.  Contemplate on that.  His mercy and His Grace endures forever.  Amen.    

The madness of Fibromyalgia and depression.

And I've struggled.  For months.  Medication can be our undoing.

It was subtle at first.  I seemed to not care about things that used to matter to me.  Cleanliness of this, tidiness of that.  Then came the desire to sleep.  It was so subtle in fact, I did not notice it.  Depression is a nasty, nasty, entity.  The dark days landed.  It seemed my insides would unseal.  It feels as if there is a separation  of soul and spirit.  One begins to discover the malady.

First it seems to be the discovery -- then comes the how of the solution.  What has caused this?  What can be done?  All this falls on a dis-eased mind..  The pondering and pining is enough to give way to one's final push to the undoing.

It's hard to let others know you're struggling.  Especially on this magnitude.  One fears judgement, and rejection -- of both I endured.  People that don't live with this state, really don't understand it, or rather they fear it.  I've one true friend, and I owe so much to her.  Even she lost her patience with me a bit.  This bout was an angry depression, of all the horrible ones, I despise it the most.  I almost lost my job -- in an angry outburst.

I'd not thought at this juncture in my life that I'd hit such a wall.  Yet I did, even in grace.  I'd not lost site or feel for God -- just couldn't connect as I'd been able.  I'd been out of church for sometime, hiding from my weight gain.  Yes, you read that right, I have hid because I'd gained so much weigh from a medicine and an insatiable appetite.  I'm starving now.  I'd gained so much water weight too, barely able to make a fist in the morning - and hideous marks from my socks in the morning.  A bloated lot...   I owe all of this to a medication that WAS helping me in some respects.  It was on the verge of killing me in so many others.  I had to come off of it, but with the nerve pain, what ever was I going to do?

It's interesting what people do when they become depressed.  I become like a mole.  I don't want to go outside. I  Don't want to be SEEN.  I had it confirmed by someone that sees me regularly - "Your not yourself - I'm not used to seeing you this way."  Then I knew.  It was time I did something about it.  The days lavishing myself had to end.  The excessive spending, the sleeping, the need to hide from people needed to stop.

We take risks with people sometimes.  It backfires.  This has let me know that I'm firmly rooted in my relationship with God, of which I haven't been in previous times.  I'd always (I use that word loosely) in past, when a man would come into my  life, they'd become my God.  I've grown through this, and I'm proud to say -- over it!!!  I keep God centermost of my life -- for I got news last Sunday that my beloved Pastor is leaving my church.  This news has devastated me.  It has barely been news that I've been able to digest.  I understand it intellectually -- and for his sake, but to my heart of hearts, I'm broken over it.  As I've stayed away from church over silly, ridiculous matters, now the tables have turned and he will soon be gone.  Oh, how devastated I am.  The man that introduced me to the faith that has transformed my life, and has become my confidant, will be lost to us.  The church is in shock.

At any rate, the depression is lifting, as I come off the medicine that had me descending into the depths of inward darkness.  No one knows truly how bad it had gotten, I won't even allow my own mind to deepen on its own accord for there are times when fear is a good thing.  Now I have to deal with physical pain, but that is no stranger to me.

Today is a new day with a new dawn.  There will be struggles ahead, for this I am certain.  I will meet them with a renewed strength.  Light is reaching the end of the tunnel, to coin a phrase.  I am a woman of vast resilience.  My therapist is working diligently with me on taking the things of my past the negatives   and turning them into triumphs.  I know that I have a strong reserve.  I know that I am a woman of faith and future.  I know that I have God's favor -- and I am one of His children.

My faith has wained.  I've been able to think of little else but my silly little world, and a dear, dear friend reminded me that there is many a battle that I've had to face the other day.  I'm immensely grateful for her.

 from the website buterfliesandpebbles.com - @ instagram - I love this photo.... It depicts how I feel.  Grace will always reside in my heart - and fire in my soul.  As I worship today, I will remember all that I am so grateful for -- rough patches, and difficult times aside: I can do all things THROUGH CHRIST who strengthens me.  For I am renewed day by day.  I Love the Lord.  With all my heart and soul. No matter who I encounter, this will never change.  I'm grateful for who I am and who Christ made me to be.  Amen.  

Mercy, Grace, and Love

Love.  It's gotten me by as of late.  I've been in a lot of pain.  Physical pain.  I've had surgery - and am now passing kidney stones.  This on top of the chronic pain that I live with - has been quite the challenge.  

Pain brings you to a presupposes if that is the right word I'm looking for.  At any rate, it brings you to an edge.  One either becomes hardened towards God, or one becomes more humble and open to Him.  For me, I see this as an opportunity to receive God's goodness.  Matter of fact, I've been praying for God to show me His love in everyday life.  So far, it's been pretty amazing.  People have popped up in my life, given to me in immeasurable ways, and life has just been stunning.  

God's mercy amazes me.  I have never deserved it.  Not with the life that I have led.  I've stolen from the people that I've loved, defied God, and pushed the limitations of His love.  Yet and still, He has remained steadfast, gentle, honorable, and most of all - merciful.  I never dreamed that God could, would, and did still love me despite my debacles.  Of course this was before I entered into grace.  I believed under law there was no way that a God of that magnitude could have mercy.  In fact, what I had been taught -- that God didn't.  

I suppose I'm back to the amazing magnificence of grace once again.  How it has genuinely transformed my life.  From the depths of my addiction (which no longer plagues me) to where I am now -- in the heart of peace, is almost magical living.  I say this because I've come from a place where I used to take apart every thought, analysis every feeling, and I suffered so badly with the weight of my past.  God may have forgiven me, but there was no way that I was able to.  I carried it around like an anvil.  It was constantly above my head.  The weight of it all was enormous.  The shame that I felt was horrendous.  

I wish there were some what that I could explain the beauty of grace.  God's grace and mercy.  I wish I had known about my sin debt being paid in full.  That God is not some evil task master.  That He did not sit in a chair that turned away from me when I made mistakes -- that He literally pulled away from me when I screwed up.  He is not some yo-yo God!  To think of this now is ridiculous but this was what I had been taught --- that sin separated you from God.  Now I know that nothing can separate you from the love of God.  Praise God!  For when we sin we need God all the more!  

At any rate, God has been showing me His love in a variety of ways.  I've been shown through people, and through my kitty Gracie.  Yes, God can use an animal.  He made them.  Sunsets are allowed too.  

There is beauty all around us, if we but look.  It is all in a manner of seeing with new eyes.  If we focus on what is wrong with the world, this is what we will see.  If we focus on what is right -- and so on.  What kind of eyes do you have?  

Grace is such a beautiful word in and of itself.  I'm enamored by it.  I'm in love with it.  It's touched my life so deeply.  I owe so much to it.  I don't know where I would be without it.  Grace and mercy.  What an amazing God we serve.  So beyond my comprehension.  He answers prayer in such astounding ways.  Mine anyway.  Living life with your eyes open as well as your heart is so amazing.  The things that you see!  The things that you experience!  Living life with an expectant heart, and an abundant soul is an awesome way to life but it requires trust and faith.  Faith over fear.  You must go forward into the unknown.  This is the spirit of faith.  It seems at Christmas there is an expectancy that there isn't at any other time of year -- for most people but I say what if we lived that way?  What if we lived that way year round, waiting to see what God was going to do in our lives?  Wouldn't that be amazing?  I think it would....

I suppose I'm childlike in many ways.  I wouldn't change it.  It is my faith.  I expect God to do amazing things in my life.  It allows me to keep pushing despite horrible pain and helps me not blame God.  God did not cause this.  I just do blame God anymore.  I'm better for it. I'm so grateful that I know that all good things come from God.  Good things like love, mercy and grace.  Grace means gift - which takes us to Christmas -- CHRISTmas.   Don't forget, He is the reason for the season.  To us a Savor was born.....

Your Beautiful...

Sleep doesn't come easy post surgery - especially when all that you can do is rattle around, and rest.  It makes for much intermittent sleeping.  Two hours here - an hour there - but nothing solid.  

So I've been up for quite sometime, reading and reflecting over the past year.  I cannot convey how much life there is from/in my bible.  Passages that I've read so many times will just speak new truths to me as I re-read them.  There is such beauty in the truth.  I've always found there to be, but not everyone is in agreement with this.  For some, its become their life's passion to run from it.  Trust me, I know - when I was using, to a degree, I did the same thing.  It's a natural part of the disease.  Who can tell themselves the truth when your whole life is a lie?  

At least this is what your addiction is telling you.  And tell you it does.  The power over the mind that active addiction has is mind boggling.  I've known it to take men and women with PHD's to their knees.  So it certainly isn't about intelligence.  You can think all day and night about having an addiction and still not stop.  It is the one disease that tells you - you don' t have one.  Denial being one of it's greatest (strongest) features.  I talked to someone yesterday that almost blew their face off - and asked them how it changed their life - the accident - and I got an astonishing answer, "not much, really."  The brain's capacity to protect it's supply is amazing.  Even in the face of consequences that could have produced death --- we'll keep right on using or drinking.  I know because I've done it.  I've seen it in action right in front of me - heard denial's excuses, from my clients - and from people that I love.  I've watched it take the lives of those that I love, on too many occasions.  

I still wonder if someone had told me then that God wasn't mad at me, and that He's never been mad at me -- would I have believed it?  If someone had taken the time to tell me that we weren't under the law of sin and death any more -- would I have listened?  If someone, somewhere had have told me that I was loved more than I could imagine - more than I could ever dream... would it have made a difference?  I wonder this because I always loved God -- you see the best way that I knew how.  I read my bible -- high.  I have burn marks all over my King James Version - study bible.  How humbling it was to take that to church, and then to fall asleep during the sermon.  How horrible that was for my parents.  Not only did I have a machine giving me too much medicine ( pain pump) I had break through meds besides.  I'd often fall asleep in my food - etc.  I was a constant source of embarrassment to my parents.  Nodding off all the time, isn't normal.  Burning up everything with cigarettes isn't normal.  I've had few bedspreads that didn't have burn holes in them, or mattresses for that matter - because I'd smoke in bed.  The sight of my apartment living room was scary - and then there came the day I caught myself on fire....  

I want to tell you something today.  You're Beautiful.  No matter what you're doing, how far you think that you've gotten out of control -- how despicable you think you're life has become -- you are still loved by God.  He/She - (however you need to see It) has never stopped loving you -- since you came into existence.  You want to know why?  Because it isn't about us or our behavior!  It is about what Jesus did at Calvary!  He became sin who knew no sin, so that we could become His righteousness !  How do I know this?  It's in the bible.  We seem to think that we've done all of these horrible things -- and just can't be forgiven or saved -- and did you know that back in the Old Testament times they were offering babies for sacrifice?  Moses was a murder!  He had just murdered an Egyptian prior to his going before Pharo (spelling) to demand letting the people go.  We hammer at people the 10 commandments - the "moral law" and we aren't even Jews!  We are Gentiles!  And besides that there were 613 "laws".... not just 10!  What man has done to the bible is astonishing!  We've never been under such law.  Never.  Yet we've swallowed what these preachers had fed us for years and years, hook line and sinker.  We've felt the guilt, week after week, after week.  We've allowed them to tell us what's in OUR bibles and we haven't read them!  They take one verse here and another there and shove it down our throats.  And we've allowed them.  We've even allowed them to let our salvation be at risk, thinking we have to be saved and re-saved, week after week.  It's just not true.  All of that is really low-level Christianity.  

I want to tell you something.  Don't believe me -- check it out for yourself -- there are lots of grace preachers - just google it.  Find you're freedom.  I've written about it, but you don't even have to believe me.    The information is out there.  Andrew Farley is a great teacher/pastor.  Paul White my pastor, Creflo Dollar, just search for grace teachings and see what you get. 

But most of all, I want you to know that you're beautiful.  Despite what your addiction is telling you so that you keep getting wasted - you aren't worthless.  You never have been - no matter who told you this.  Love and pain are universal.  You know pain -- why not set forth to know love?  A love like you've never known,  A safety and a security that is beyond explanation.  There just are no words for the peace that I have in my life today.  And it all begins with a single step into a different direction.  I won't tell you that it will be easy.  Nothing in life that is worth having is.  I can tell you if you'll take a step in love's direction -- love will be returned.    

I so hope this inspires.  I so hope that someone somewhere - chooses differently.  I so hope that someone realizes that they are loved and always have been.  

I wish someone had have told me....     

Please listen to video below...

Lean times...with never ending love.

Hope.  It's a full time job sometimes, depending upon someone's station in life.  If that is the way that you believe.  If it's about the apple or the seed.  

I don't totally believe in our being predestined.  However my father was pretty enthusiastic about life and it's people.  He lived a happy  life with only the use of one hand and one leg.  My dad did more with one hand and one leg than most do with a full functioning body.  I know this is where I get my spunk.  Daddy had high hopes, as a matter of fact he used to sing that song to me.... "high hopes, he's got high hopes, high - apple - pie - in the sky hopes...".  Wow does that ever bring back the memories here on this Thanksgiving week.  How my life has gone from having so much family to my sitting here in front of this blinking curser, alone.  It is a difficult adjustment - these times.  There is nothing to prepare you for it, nor anything that could have helped you buffer  from these feelings - they just are.  Believe you me, I want to escape.  My mind is doing every last thing to try and get me to run from how I feel right now.  The inescapable part that I know is that I either feel this now, or feel it at another time because it's not the feeling that has to change, or adapt, it's me and my understanding of it.  The facts will still remain.  I'm alone, I no longer have close family, and I'm going to have to get used to it.    

I'm alone post surgery after asking a life long friend for help - and getting excuses.  He's been checked off the "I don't matter" list -- I don't care how long I've known him.  I mean, shoot - I'm three days outside of surgery and he isn't even working and he won't come.  Oh well...  Done with that mess of excuses.  I didn't ever matter to him anyway.  If I had, I wouldn't been here and him there...  

Alas, you all know me better than this.  I cannot put my faith into humans.  My faith is in Jesus.  He will never fail me!  No matter what things may look like, what they may feel like -- I love a God who takes the impossible and makes it supernatural!  People will fail you.  Expect that.  God never does.  He is the same today, tomorrow, and yesterday...

Sure I miss my Dad.  Sure it would be great if things were different.  But they are not.  I'm going to walk in faith in a new direction and see what happens.  There are quiet moments which call for me to reflect and draw near to what I know.  This is a time to reflect on my hopes and not wallow in my fears.  I've spent way too many years doing that...  besides what is that going to get any of us but more fear?  Haven't we all given fear much more attention than it deserves?  I know I have.  

I also know that when I just take even a baby step out towards my Jesus, he runs to meet me.  His arms wide open, He embraces me with all gentleness and delight.  He's been waiting for me to choose Him over fear, my whole life.  For once in my life, I'm doing it.  All things work together for the good of those that love God!!!  So even though my outward man may appear to be perishing, my inward man is being renewed day by day!!!  I may not have answers or certainty of how everything will work out envisioned all in my minds-eye, but this is the stuff that faith is made of.  It is stepping out and trusting even when all the ducks aren't in a row -- when my life isn't all pretty and boxed up with a Christmas ribbon on it.  Matter of fact, things are pretty grim right now -- if you really knew the truth, but I'm going to trust my Savior anyway.  I actually delight in trusting Him.  Jesus answers prayer in such unexpected and awesome ways.... I'm anticipant to see how this works out.  My heavenly Father is so (for lack of better words) amazingly awesome -- and so impossible to predict ... (in amazing ways- He is predictable for He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow in His steadfast love for us) I feel kind of like a child, waiting for it's Father to return home.  I just can't wait to see what Daddy does in my life!

                                Daddy, Abba, Father, Friend -- all of these things are what my Savior are to me.   It's taken me a lifetime to truly understand that He will not fail me.  It's taken addiction, addiction to food, pills, booze, men, relationships, spending -- any and everything I could do to make the hurt subside.  Anything that I could TRY to make it subside... none of those things actually worked.  You know why?   Because you cannot fight feelings.  Feelings just are.  They aren't debatable.   We're the ones that try to mask, change, alter, and make them go away.  God gave them to us for a reason.  In all actuality they are a gift.  If we are living our lives in such a manner as to have or be in balance.  Feelings are our indicators, our pay-off's if you will, and our blessings.  They were never meant to be something that we try with everything in us to avoid.  This is something that us as humans have came up with because we've gotten so far out of the will of God.  Away from His word -- and I mean no condemnation there.  Most people do not even know of the New Covenant.   They do not even know about grace - or that they are gentiles, and not jews.  Don't get me started there.  I've other blogs for that.... (See Grace 101)

Friends are difficult to come by in this lifetime.  If you have one's that you've had for a long time -- hold on to them and cherish them.  Friendships aren't about quantity -- it's all about quality.  I'd rather have one really great one (which I do, praise God!) than a bunch of mediocre ones.  I guess I really have several but when the chips are down - we certainly know who we can depend upon don't we?  

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life; nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. "  Romans 8:38-39 NKJV

God/Jesus isn't, hasn't gone anywhere.  He is right here (in your heart).  All you have to do is believe.  (Questions?  Leave a comment at any time, and 'll get back to you, I promise.)

So, Gracie and I are going to have a fantastic Thanksgiving - post surgery - even with all of the things that I can't do!  Even though I can't really cook, and am in need of several things.  God will provide.  It won't be like it used to be, but I'm not who I used to be.  Praise God!!!!   All I ever wanted was to be loved.....