Down to One.

Life is, if anything - complex.  I find myself as I grow older more and more willing to live it out alone.  It's really difficult trying to communicate the complexities of life to new people.  I'm finding that I just don't know if it's worth the risk, or the effort.  People earnestly only comprehend from their level of understanding -- and one really cannot fault them.  Depending upon the level of empathy that is possessed -- and the communication method -- much can be misconstrued.  It's just not simple.  Especially in today's technology.  It's just damn hard.  I completely understand now why people do not let you in their lives easily.  It's hard work.

I don't mind taking risks, I'm a risk taker by nature.  My life is pretty much (you've probably already figured this out) an open book.  I don't have a great deal of secrets.  This draws back to my A.A. roots.  I just come from the line of thinking that secrets keep us sick.  This line of thinking works for me, and it keeps me accountable.  People still do not trust however.  People have their own ideals.  It doesn't usually take me long to decipher this.  It's also true that I have some fears of my own when it comes to meeting someone new with my history -- you can imagine.  So, this combo is often times.... difficult.  I just think that I've reached a place where I'm about to close a door that I'm not going to be willing to open again for some time.  Perhaps this is a knee-jerk reaction to what I've just gone through ---I'm not certain.  However, when you communicate with every effort and you're still misunderstood -- it makes it rather difficult to want to open that door again.  Attempting to fight with another person's personal demons is a no win situation.  I realize too, that mine are difficult enough.  It goes both ways.  This makes me wonder--- how two people ever really get together?  How do you do away with the wreckage of the past, and compete with the inner dialogue that blinds your partner from really understanding you?  I'm not sure, especially when the other person isn't even aware they have issues.  It's pretty much a done deal.  I certainly cannot compete with someones ego.  No one can really compete with mine.  So you reach this precipus where neither of you can move on nor advance further.  It's a stalemate.  If things get said in anger at this time, its disastrous.

I'm uncertain as to why people resort to nastiness when they reach a painful point, or a fear of rejection.  I don't understand why there is the need to hurt or sting prior to feeling fear.  Our defenses rear up, and we sting.  An we'll do it with whatever available ammunition.  Hardly thinking of the consequences.  It's almost as if it is an "automatic" to hurt because we're hurt.  Isn't this what little children do?  Aren't we adults?  At least the last time I checked I was an adult.  I've worked so hard at learning and training myself to NOT react, that this took me by surprise.  I was quite taken by it, and the rest of the bitterness that transpired with it.  It is so mind boggling to me how true it is that people play parts, they play Mr. Nice until the gloves come off.  An Lord help you when they do --

I don't know......  Alls I know is that sometimes reaching  out isn't it's all cracked up to be.  As hard as I might try - I cannot give another human a different perspective, perception, nor a impression of life. Sometimes how they see things is just that and it's immoveable - period.  Case closed.  Even when it's about your own life.  An they hardly know you.  When that happens you know that it's time to move on - even though every person that we meet we met for a reason.  WE MATTER.  I MATTER.  WE ALL MATTER.  No matter what anyone, anywhere tells you.  Ever.  Do not allow another person to "sweep your pain under the rug."  As if it is nothing to them.

I learned many years ago that people that haven't dealt with their own pain will not tolerate anyone else dealing with their pain.  What I mean by that is- we've all known those persons that are so quick to say after a particularly difficult life event to tell you, "you just gotta get over it."  As if we can play hop-scotch with our emotions and jump over the pain and emotional difficulties in life.  Trust me, they're out there... and it sort of gives you the feeling that you shouldn't feel.  Nine times out of ten -- these people have not dealt with their own emotional issues, and they can't (surely) stand to watch you deal, or go through yours.  They want you to "just get over it already!"  This to me is bordering on abuse.  Stifling someones pain is NOT okay.  Telling someone NOT to feel, is not okay.  In all actuality -- it is very selfish.  We cannot just stuff these intense emotions and expect for life to be okay  - because it's going to present itself in another area.... because it needs to be addressed or it will just morph into something else in your psyche.

Human beings are so complex.  Yes, it is easier to deny what you feel -- whether or not it be grief, depression, or regret that is plaguing you.  However, I will tell you as I know that I've stated in this blog elsewhere --- we are what we feel.  Our emotions are how we tell that we are alive.  It is how we experience life.  God gave our emotions to us for a reason, and only to the extent that you allow yourself to experience sadness/devastation/hurt - is to the extent and exact opposite of which you will be able to experience joy, elation, and true happiness within yourself.  If you deny yourself in one aspect - you will also be denied in the other.  It's all about balance.   Yes, the painful - sometimes extremely painful emotions can feel overwhelming at times -- but we must remember that everything that we go through is temporary.  Everything.  The only thing that is constant in our lives IS change.  BE who you are -- even if this isn't popular.  Being our own authentic selves is the greatest challenge (I think) that we face here on this earth.  I believe this because so many people will want you to be like they are -- and adhere to their beliefs, and ways of doing things.   It takes great courage to stand alone in your beliefs and your personhood.  Give yourself this gift..... and know without any doubt -- that what you feel, think, believe, and know... MATTERS.

Faith and Trust -- the transformation.

I'm at a presuppose in my life.  I'm completely at the jumping off juncture to either leap and fly or stand an stay.  Simply everything comes down to trust at this particular period of time in my life.  As those of you that read my blog know -- with my history - trust isn't the easiest thing in the world for me to harness.

It's very interesting that even when things go well in our lives, we wonder.  We wonder when the next shoe is going to drop.  Perhaps it is only I that feels this way - but when everything seems to line up just beautifully -- I sort of gasp.  Being the kind of person who's used to having been punished for doing the "right" thing -- I'm a bit uneasy even during good times.  There, I said it.  I know that isn't always the greatest thing to have to admit -- but I'm sorry with my background, lets face it - life has been very unstable.  However, I am actively learning to trust, to believe in people again, and the one thing that I do trust is God.  This is what I have to focus upon in all matters.  The area's where I've been lacking in my faith are my own fault, I haven't been to church for a variety of (some valid, some not) reasons.  So I'm missing this in my life.  I haven't been reading the word, again, my bad.  So my connection is not what it could be, and I would like for it to be.  I still am prayerful and thankful, daily.  I never completely, ever stop thinking about God.  Nor gratitude --- it's just who I am.  But alas, I've digressed!!

I've met someone wonderful.  Yep.  Me.  The part that is so amazing is that this feels like a gift straight out of heaven.  I won't bore you with all of the ways this man fulfills my prayers and how beautifully creatively God answered my prayer because if you've experienced God answering your prayers, then you already now how amazing that is.  Neither of us intended to meet each other --- it just sort of fell into place.  Beautifully.

Now you might ask what this has to do with trust and faith?  Oh boy.  There are things that we have to learn, journeys that we have to walk out that only can be accomplished when we are in relationship.  Some things just cannot be addressed while your single.  It takes the risk of love and the sacrifice to bring you through to the other side. It feels akin to a baby bird on it's first flight lesson.... or at least it does for me.  I've been single with a few exceptions, for almost 25+ years.  I've become quite comfortable in my single life... being accountable to only me.  It's a whole new world, needing or wanting someone around.  I'm just not used to someone being there.  Honestly -- it almost feels foreign.  It's been just myself and God for so long -- that sometimes I'm not quite sure how to act.  An this is hard to explain to someone that has not been where I've been.  In the river - dying of thirst.  It truly rings true right now how there just comes a time when someone finds you and it's like you have known each other your whole life, even though it's only been a short time.  Also how they just seem to know what you've needed all this time.  It can be rather uncanny at first, and offsetting, yet wonderful.....  It's hard to explain.  I know this is choppy and I apologize, I've not written in some time.

My one and only goal in life has a duality.  My life's focus is to love God back and to allow myself to experience the peace that Jesus gave me in this lifetime .  It's actually a combination of my attempting to understand ( and comprehend) everything that I am in Christ and to let Christ live through my life. I don't always measure up - however - the Lord knows my heart better than anyone ever could, and I rest in that.  One of the most beautiful gifts that Pastor Paul White ever gave me was to learn to "sit-down" on the inside.  Because my Jesus is sitting at the right hand of God -- as long as Jesus is sitting --- what would I have to be concerned with?  Which means precious peace.  He is my all and all, the Author and the Finisher of my faith.  I do write about my struggles here -- but I am human, not super natural.  If a person tells you that they don't have doubts at times, they're not be forthright.

I'm going to have a decision to make.  The man that I care for lives in another state.  At some point quite possibly soon - I'm going to have to decide what I am going to do.  It's going to require much thought, prayer, and faith.  Isn't life interesting when it presents you with something that you've wanted basically all your life?  It is very interesting to watch the opposition come in.  To negate the fears.  Fear of what, being happy?  Therein lies another whole concept........

Alas ...  I am enormously grateful for this "problem"... and I say that with tongue in cheek.  I know it is going to be transformative because of the risk that is involved, I can feel it.  I welcome it.  He is a very wonderful man, and I'm at peace with him.  What seems to be the biggest battle that I fight (as with most things) is within my own thoughts.  I'll keep you posted.

Father God, Thank you for this opportunity  to love someone and to have someone love me for me.  Lord, thank you for answering my prayer so beautifully at the exact moment that you knew was right.  Help me quell my fears Lord, and put to rest my thoughts, help me to listen an hear the holy spirit as it guides and directs me.  I pray for your  perfect will in my life Lord, that I know it and fulfill it.  Thank You Jesus for life, in Jesus name,
Amen.

Faith and Fear

Life is so interesting.  How things evolve and change.  It never ceases to amaze me.  We hold on to ideals and concepts so tightly until life beats us to a pulp, teaching us that what we believed in so solidly was completely the opposite of what we believed.  However, it takes an earth shattering experience to change our thinking.  Do we have to be so hard pressed in our thinking?  I'm learning that no, no we don't.  Change doesn't have to be that hard.  And being open to new ideas and ways of thinking can be applied by a much easier method.

I have this problem with control.  I've had so much powerlessness in my life -- or at least this is what it seems like.  I've had things, events that have happened in life that I really didn't choose, but I did put myself in the environment.  So I had part to play.  I'm not totally innocent.  I try and own what's mine.  Nonetheless, I didn't know what happened was going to happen.  I'm no fortuneteller.  I did not ask for the likes of my mother.  Her and my relationship regrettably shaped a great deal of how I am in relationships, albeit I've had therapy for it for 25 years.  Not bonding with my mother was very difficult because I did not learn how to nurture myself, I did not get affection that I would have normally gotten,  nor the validation, self-esteem was horribly lacking --- and the list goes on and on.  However --- I bid you that I am as whole, happy and at peace today because of Jesus as I know how to be.  Everything that I've came to understand under the teachings of Pastor Paul White in four years has taught me enormous lessons of what and who I am in Jesus Christ.  I'm the one that looses sight of this, on a daily basis and part of the reason that I write.

 My faith.  I struggle with it daily.  It's that trust issue again.  As one can imagine, trust is not something that comes easily for me.  My own mother betrayed me.  Now that's real right there.

It's very unfortunate that my response to deal with life is to fight and feel fear.  I doubt that there's many people, Christians especially that would admit that.  If you read my blog, you would know that I'm not your average Christian.  At all.  I was taught radical Grace.... and it blew my mind because of the immense beauty, the depth of the love of Christ, and the enormity of the Word.  I'm not supposed to feel fear, it's the absence of faith.  I don't have (always) the gifts I know that I can have.  Who's fault do you think this is?  Yep.  Mine.  I've allowed fear to creep back into my life.  I have an anxiety disorder - but I'm not even supposed to say that in grace.  I cannot tell you the number of times that I've been told that Jesus paid for "insert what ever illness here".  I guess I don't know how to be a Grace christian.  Perhaps this is the real problem, because I or my little brain cannot comprehend it all to the point where I am spotless.  I'm Saint-like.  I suppose I still have too much human in me.  Having had such a psychological and therapeutic background does not help me.  It has put me at a fault when it comes to Jesus and what He did (all) at the Cross.  I just have been pounded so hard that everything is my responsibility .  It takes so long to uproot those kinds of beliefs, to let go of that philosophy, and just let God love me into wholeness.  Maybe this is part of why Pastor Paul left so I could begin to dig deeper and find this stubborn root.  Stubborn it is, and I really don't think I'm alone here -- I totally believe that we all struggle with fear and control we just may call it something else.

I am the kind of woman/person that knows them self  pretty well, and what I know doesn't frighten me.  Not anymore.  I've stared most of my (boy I hope) ugliest demons in the face and survived.  I've sat with my inner child and felt her pain, and I've walked with my addiction and I know it's voice.  I've survived long, difficult periods of alone time, and struggled with having to take care of myself during medical procedures alone. There just isn't much that I've not been through that I've not been through, alone.  However, Jesus has always been there right with me, holding me through it.  I know for certain that He has believed in me more than I've believed in Him, and I'm saddened to say that truth.  I have a much greater faith today because of His Word, Pastor Paul, and just life.  When the Word really gets inside you, you know it.  Even when you don't part it's pages.... it's still there, in your heart.

I sincerely hope that this speaks to someone because I know that I've beaten myself up SO much for being afraid.  I've come to understand that it is not that I don't believe in God, or that I lack faith -- it just a part of resistance.  Yes  We like to "think" we are in control of our lives, I think that's a human trait.  I think that is just normal.  However. it causes us a great deal of stress (unnecessary) and and I believe it is the root of almost all illness.  It is not normal to live in 'flight or fight' mode.  That was for survival, and we are so far beyond that - yet we use it to (try) to control ourselves and other people -- our spouses, friends, etc.  If I just worry enough...this won't happen...  That's insane.  I have a friend that constantly says "I know, I know" about prayer, faith, and God - but is so stressed out her hair is falling out.  She is having chest pains, and I'm very worried about her.  Is anything that is under the blood of Jesus worth all of that?  Who made us responsible?  That my guilt and my anguish could affect events, outcomes, and circumstances?  How grandiose?

I did get one thing right in Jesus, even if I am still ever the student.  I remain humble and teachable.  I know that my Jesus is SITTING (because there is no further need of sacrifice) at the right hand of God, and that if He is sitting, I have nothing to worry about.  Essentially - ever.  God isn't going to just take care of the sin debt and leave us to fend for ourselves.  That wouldn't be any kind of parent.  He took care of everything for us, and this is what I need to immerse myself into and embrace to let go of control.  I still growing in who I am in Christ-- and you know what?  That is okay.  Jesus still loves me, He already knew it!  I'm the one just figuring this out.  It took me awhile to understand that only good things come from God... I used to believe that God dished out consequences as well.  I had a lot of undesirable stuff to overcome in my beliefs that had been passed down to me-- that didn't belong to me.  What are you holding on to that was passed down to you?  Have you even thought about it?  It's so crucial to make absolute sure that your beliefs are YOURS.  Not hand-me-downs.

Father God, I love learning.  I praise you for my ability to ponder Your absoluteness.  I praise You for the knowledge that I obtained during my time at Midland, what an honor, Father God.  I am still unveiling truth.  Help me go forward with the truth that I know is inside me, hand in hand, spirit to spirit... as You would have me.  Let the Holy Spirit continue to reveal new things to me, and let me be quiet enough to hear Lord. Thank You Jesus for this beautiful thing we call life.  I am discovering that I am free.
In Jesus's precious Name,
Amen.

Thinking about thinking.....

I actually wonder how many of us do this?  Are we aware that we have resistance to our forward thinking thoughts, our positive energy motivating behaviors, the new intentions that form in our minds?  We do!  It's that nagging voice that pops up and tells you why you can't or shouldn't do what you've just so wonderfully welcomed doing.  It's a instant lash of negative, a knife blade of death to the creative voice in your head.  Do you hear yourself thinking?  Do or have you ever even thought about it?

There are so many times that I just wish I could stop the thoughts that run through my head.  I can intercede upon them, but I've yet to conquer them.  Of course with anything, the first step is awareness... we have to stop and think about our thinking... we have to examine it.  Most people aren't comfortable with this.  It takes guts sometimes.  It really takes an enlightened person, one that can stand outside there own mind.  Yes there can be judgement, it's difficult not to, but eventually (it's taken me years) there becomes an understanding that our thought patterns just are.  It is within my power to correct and modify them, but I don't know that I can ever completely change the ebb of the original flow.  This has led me now to Buddhism.  I'm very interested in the culture, and the mindset.  I like the compassionate way.  I like the peaceful way.  I realize that at 53 this might not be the easiest thing to try to incorporate into my life, but I've ordered a book called, "The Mind and The Way".  I am very tired of living life vulnerable to life's little bumps and bruises, and being attached to this and that.  It is not that I do not want to care.  It is not this, at all.  I want to care at a deep level, but I want to make the best of possible decisions for everyone involved.  I want to be in my higher mind.  I believe this is possible in great moments of peace.

Being attached to things emotionally is pretty much how we are wired.  This is how we 'take things personally' - and have adverse reactions to events that happen in our lives, only to wish we'd responded differently later on.  We just care about stuff.  It's perfectly normal.  However there is a state of being that removes that gut reaction.  It doesn't come over night, and it takes practice as well as much thought.  It will come natural after practice.  I'm talking meditation and mindfulness.  I used to meditate, I did so for three years.  It changed my life.  I don't know to this day why I stopped.  Life is strange that way - and how we can just quit doing something that is producing excellent results in our lives.  It completely transformed me from the inside out.  I no longer reacted to things the same way in life, and evidentially I even looked a bit differently on the outside, according to friends.  Attachments are like burdens, they weigh us down.  We aren't really aware of it, until something happens.  Then we get all bent out of shape.  This is one of the single most telling ways to know that our attachments are out of sink.

I know that this is not going to be easy.  I have new ideas all the time that I don't follow through with.  I am very curious about this however and I have been most of my life.  As my life gets more stressful and I'm handling is less productively -- this seems to be the best possible answer for me.  As much as I detest becoming angry and blasting people, and as opposite as it is of who I earnestly am, this feels like more of a way of life for me.  I am a very calm, collected, and at peace individual -- and it is up to me to make my insides mirror my outsides.  I'm so tremendously tired of wearing the weight of my past, and I want to live in the present.  At least as much as I can.  I am in hopes that this discipline will hone the edges off my sometimes jagged life.  This is my hope.

This doesn't intercede upon my relationship with Jesus Christ, in any size, shape, nor form.  It for me is just a manner of living.  I still and always will be a Christian first and foremost.  Buddhism is for me a way to be a better Christian.  A better human.

I am an avid watcher of Super Soul Sunday of the OWN channel of Oprah Winfrey's station.  I love it.  It is one of the most thought provoking programs on television.  I soak it up like a little child on Sunday mornings.  I watched reruns last Sunday and Thich Nhat Hanh was on her program.  He is a very well know Buddhist monk, and  he's written  several books.  I have one called, "Living Buddha, Living Christ".   I'm just becoming familiar with it.  It is inspiring, and quite deep.  One has to think about their thinking, literally.

I think I've turned a corner with my depression, it feels that way.   I so hope so and that my creative intelligence has returned.  I hope that I once again can be captain of this ship instead of being a captive.  It is so much more refreshing.  It feels much less like being stuck in a mire of incidental life, where you have very little control over what happens to you because you don't have the creative energy nor the energy period.  My fibro is bad enough and what it does to my brain.  Being a prisoner to the depression is hell on earth.  It is a gift to be able to write, even if no one reads it.  It is a passion that I have, that allows me to indulge my higher thought life through a larger vision.  If that makes any sort of sense for anyone.  I get to think about my thinking.  I hope I'm on a shift change here....  one with truly lasting value.   I know that it will challenge me.  Everything worth having really does -- if it's worth anything of value in your life.  I guess as most of us do I'm still searching for meaning at 50+.  There is nothing wrong with this.  Being the kind of person with few personal relationships, no real family-- I have to work harder than most to feel alive.  It's either that or be busy feeling alone.  I don't want to feel alone.  I've done plenty of that.  It's time to get busy with the business of life.

God bless, and constant grace.....  may you find your way of peace and internal bliss in everyday life.

Honesty with Self and a giving heart.

It's been some time since I've written.  Even though I'm on meds, depression has my creative voice.  I'm attempting to manage some unmanageable things -- go to therapy and emotionally deal with life the best way that I know how at this time.  Most days it seems that I don't feel, despite the fact that I try.  I detest this about medication, it makes life really seem like it's not worth living, especially when your a feelings based person such as I am.  Most of what I do feel is surrounded by negative self-worth and berating myself.  I know that this is the depression talking - and the voices of my past.  The  "old-tapes" if you will.  That triggers more depreciation because I wonder to myself if I'll ever break free of my past with my mother.  I suppose after 25+ years of therapy -- the answer might just be, uh, no.   It's okay - I know that I'm a much different person today than I've ever been, and I do catch myself when the negative beatings erupt.  I do stop myself, I do the best I can to feel the emotion that spurred it on, and move on from it.  This is my way of moving beyond it.  I honestly do not know if our core issues every completely heal over.  That's just me, others may differ --- no bonding with your mother is a pretty serious issue ... and I know that it marred me.

I have been muddling along.  I tried to help someone out of the kindness of my heart.  Despite the hesitancy of my mind - I took someone in.  I couldn't bare thinking of this person sleeping in an abandoned house.  This is a female for goodness sake.  Now this is her bed that she's made, a bed made from gambling, addiction, and reoccurring homelessness because of her behavior.  She has the canny ability to get money -- but when she does she gambles it away quicker than she can get it again.  Yes I believe that gambling is an addiction.  However, there is help.  Just like with anything else.  People either choose help, or they don't.  They want to get well, or they're busy staying sick.  Yes, that sounds cruel, but I believe that one either makes up their mind or they don't.  Anyway ...

I let her stay with me for a few days.  She was supposedly sober for a few weeks, but alas, all she did was sleep... for hours on end.  No looking for a job, no different behavior, just irresponsibility.  Basically, same shit, different day.  She left one evening (for the second time) to be with a man that I know is still using -- and I'd had enough.  She stayed out all night, did not communicate with me, and I put her out.  Oh but I'm the one talking to her crazy.  The truth is crazy.   Funny how people who aren't living life by life's rules think the truth is crazy.  But I know that she is a Queen of manipulation.  It's what she does.  It's how she gets her money... and she is very good at it.  The tough part is that I do care for and about her.  I know that she is possibly facing four years in jail.  She has a great deal of pain inside of her.  I don't know exactly how long it's been since she's drawn a sober breath.  Not a real one.  Not where she is dealing mentally, emotionally, and physically with her real emotions?  She may have never!  Perhaps I was expecting too much... particularly where this man is concerned.  She is as addicted to him as she is the drugs, and gambling.  At the very least she is people dependent.  At any rate, I did what I felt I had to do.  There was one thing ...she had access to my home.  Yeah, that was stupid on my part.  So I had to act fast.... and I did...

Live and learn.  The hard part for me is the fall out. The emotions that I had that spilled over from doing what I had to do and the dealings with her.  She did everything in her power to try and make me "feel" like I was a horrible person.  I was the one that had the problems, not her.  Now I know that the is what addicts do -- well because I am one, however let me tell you when the tables are turned and the focus or the brunt of the emotion is at you, it's a different story.  It does make you (make being the operative word here) wonder if you've made the right decision, ultimately questioning yourself.  I knew this was coming.  Yet and still, I experienced the emotions.  I know now (being past it) that I felt this because I've put people through it.  It's not fun being on the other side of the coin.

Life has an uncanny way of showing us things.  Sometimes it's simple things, and sometimes much more complicated.  A few things that I know - I am a caring and kind human.  I often reach my hand out to help, and draw back a stump.  But this is okay with me.  At the very least, I tried.  Nothing ever worth having came without a price.  We never know.  I'd not want to live my life in a bubble of super heavy duty wrap that no one could penetrate.  I'd rather be open to hope, Jesus and His healing powers, and the potential for change.  Some might call me stupid, vulnerable, and risky - but that's okay.  For me to live is to give.  It's just who I am.  Yes at times there's consequences - but for the most part, if chosen wisely, they're's joy.  That's what I'm seeking are those times, when joy is involved.  I know that my faith will lead me there one of these days.  I cannot quit believing.  Unfortunately this usually involves other people, and it subjects me to being hurt at times.  Suffering behind it is .......optional.  I don't have to suffer, I just give it right back to God.  She is in His more than capable hands, once again.  I still took the risk, no matter that it didn't turn out as I'd liked for it too.  She's got a long way to go yet I think to reach bottom, and I hate this for her.  Deep bottoms are hard to come up out of, I know, I've been there.

The really difficult part is lying to ourselves about who and what we really are.  Herein lies the challenge, the task of being brutally honest with self.  Some people run from it their entire lives, while others relish in who they are.  It's a major part of who society is.  Vastly divergent we all are, especially those that are ego driven.  I can't say that I am not at all, however I do try and keep mine in check.  It takes attention, focus, and practice.  Most folks don't even bother.  It's pretty much what makes life worthwhile for me... my clarity of mind, motivation, and purpose in life.  I realize that there are plenty others that could care less.  For me, however it is my life force.  It's been brought about by multiple trips to ground zero (if you will allow me) and starting over with nothing, time, and time again.  It humbles you - tremendously.  A person takes very little for granted when facing those kind of new starts.  I'm not here to say that I'm perfect by any means, but I try and stay aware, and focused - and alive to life.  I think used very lightly it's called: BEING PRESENT.  It's such a much more focused way to live as an anxiety driven sufferer, and very grounding.  It's for me all the way back to the word... Grace.  The grace of a new day, a new experience, a new hope.  As we live "expectantly" - anything is possible in this wonderland that we call life.  If I can do it with these pain levels, and my demons -- anyone can.  All you have to do is start where you are.  Watch for miracles - they happen everyday, only if we're open to them.  Be open.

This is a new day filled with new adventures!  Get out there and see what Jesus has in store for you!!!
God Bless!!!

The Pain of Becoming.

It seems like that no matter what age I reach I continue to run head on in to these precipices.  I cross these paths where I have to move forward yet I'm not quite sure how.  Some days I curse the fact that I'm such a deep dweller and the things that propel my mind.  What I'd give sometimes just to be able to shut it off, unplug, and take a respite from it.  Yet I cannot, or at least do not know how.  I suppose I really wouldn't have it another way in truth.  It is very taxing.  If only my head and my heart could converge.  Perhaps then my behavior would be in congruence.

I had my yearly evaluation yesterday and it's had me in a tailspin every since.  I've been up for hours after only sleeping a few.  The man that did the eval was very good and hit on some very valid points, things that I'd not considered -- but true of my life.  It boggles my mind that strangers can see things that we cannot even when we're willing.

I've written of my distant, conflicted relationship with my mother.  I've not ever really delved into it fully because I get quite the feedback when I am totally honest in what my experience was growing up with her.  Society has some hardcore beliefs about mothers, and my life example doesn't fit, at ALL.  So if your the least bit touchy about mothers, nows your chance to opt out because it's going to get difficult in this particular blog.

My mom is narcissistic.  All that has ever mattered to her is what she wanted, needed and was going to get.  This is how I grew up.  I was not wanted as a child, I was told at a very young age that I was a mistake.  I was even told "how I was conceived."  I intrinsically knew that my mother did not love me.  Don't ask me how I knew, I just did.  She was very jealous of me with my father, and would use my relationship with him to get what she wanted.  She began doing this at an early age -- and the she'd blame me for being able to do it.  She's tell me to go and tell my dad that I wanted something that she wanted, and when dad would do it, she'd kick me in the teeth for getting what she wanted done, done.  This went on from dinners out to buying houses to cars.  I couldn't win.  One can imagine what this did to me.  All I wanted was for my mom to love and accept me, which I never got - and never have had a real relationship with her.  I've just had to grieve it.  It wasn't until I was her 24 hour caregiver that I had my feelings validated when she admitted that she hated me when I was little.  I'd sensed it, and I had been right.

One can only imagine what circumstances like this does to a small child.  Of course I thought it was all my fault.  That's just what kids do.  I internalized it all.  I was defective.  I was incapable of seeing her flaws, all I could do was feel the rejection and abandonment and it had to be me.  I know that this is why my addiction took off like gangbusters at such an early age.  I was ripe for it, I had gunshot wounds all over me.

Now that was a long time ago  - but even after many, many, years of therapy some aspects of those dynamics still plague me.  I become too dependent upon people because I do not trust myself.  I am still healing.  When I lost my dad in 2010 and all hell broke loose,  I almost lost it.  Dad was the one person in my life that I knew loved me unequivocally and without condition.  Mother was very conditional.  That to me isn't love.  It's control.

What I said about my mom is only part of what it was like, there is much more but for sakes of privacy, I won't go into it all but just know I was one perpetually conflicted young lady.  I was in no size, shape, nor form ever taught how to be my own best friend.  I still am not good at that.  I can scorn the crap out of myself but not know how to be gentle with myself.  I did not mirror it.  That's what parents do and that's how we learn.  I did not get that.

Do you know what it's like trying to cling to someone that really can't stand you?  It's horrible.  It's excruciating.  That is what the relationship with my mother felt like.  I was pushed away, over and over, and over, again.  Children don't understand this.  They just keep trying.  Shoot adults don't understand sometimes.  Especially when it's a basic need.  So what do we do?  We TRY HARDER!!  We hurt ourselves in the process.  Sometimes very deeply.  I know today that I have hundreds of scars from that relationship.

I'm still healing.  I always will be.  The very sad part of this is that I meet (in relationships) people just like my mother.  People that reject me, that tell me in one way or anther that I don't matter - and that are narcissistic (most of the time).  I really despise this.  We are attracted to what is familiar..... unfortunately.

Yesterday brought up some old issues of my dependency on people for strength.  I need to find the courage and confidence inside myself first and foremost.  The problem being, I'm not sure how to do this.  Oh I know how to get by - but not how to excel even when things are tough.  I don't know that I have a strong inner core without a safety net.  God has always been with me, but I haven't always trusted Him either.  I'm ashamed to say that.  Hence, it is the truth.  There's always that thought in the back of my head --- perhaps He'll fail me too.  I know that this is awful but with my history - I always wait for the other shoe to fall.

My debacle is what do I do with this information?  It has my guts torn up, and my head spinning.  I've  known all of this, but after yesterdays eval and the information that I gleaned it's all fresh again.  I feel like I'm right back at square one.  I know that I'm not but it sure feels like it.

I'd taken a vow sometime back that my mom wasn't going to rule my life any longer.  I wish it were that easy because this thing is multilayered.  I've come a long way at healing many of the parts that she damaged - but it would seem that I'm down to the core of this issue.  When I can't figure something out I get frightened, plain and simple ; fear evokes anger in me.  I suppose it's a powerlessness of sorts, and I'll be damned if I'm going to have another area in my life where I'm powerless.  I'm just not.

The bible tells me that I'm not of this world.  It tells me that I have an heavenly Father now and a new family, the family of God.  I loose sight of my faith when I get into this stuff.  I think that I have to work all of this our on my own, and the truth is that I just don't.  God will direct my paths.  I am responsible for my effort, and my attitude towards the healing and change.  However Jesus is the ultimate authority of it all.  I don't know why I went through what I did in my family.  I suppose in the long and short of it, it doesn't matter.  All that matters is that I have the faith to make it through this, and to learn to be good to myself.  Yes it was awful and I've only written a small portion of what it was like.  Emotional blackmail is never productive on either party.  Children are not to be used as pawns in relationships - EVER.  This has been an issue that has haunted me through out my life.  However I know that God can and has been healing me.

I don't hate my mom.  I never really have, what would that solve?  WE only can do what we know how to do.  Somewhere in there she was only doing what she knew how to do..... or she was responding to a truth that she believed.  Somehow she felt that my father cared more for me that he did her.  She acted accordingly.... it doesn't make the things that she did right, it will never make them right.  Yet, I have to look beyond the symptoms of the person to the spirit.  She wasn't all bad.  She had tons of insecurities.  That is what fueled her.  I have them, and I know how I respond when I'm under that pressure.  She's tried every religion in the book.  I so wish that I could have introduced her to grace and it could've  stuck.  She might have had a chance to heal too.   She is very tortured to this day in a nursing home, with dementia.  I go see her from time to time and it's okay.  Since we talked in 2012 we're closer now.  She acknowledged that she was a bad mother to me.  I guess I kind of needed that in a way - but I think she needed to say it more.  I feel for her.  I have compassion for her.  This lets me know that I've come a distance with this because I used to really despise her.  Thank God for answered prayers of forgiveness.  I never would have dreamed that I could have been her caregiver for eight months but I did it.  I grew too - but leaps and bounds.  I forget that.

This life thing is hard sometimes with it's emotional ups and downs.  Issues ebb and flow like the crooks and crannies of a river.  I just have to slow myself down and remember that everything takes time, and trusting God.  Maybe this isn't something that I can do myself - but that the Lord is going to have to direct in my life.  Perhaps I'm just going to have to be patient.  And trust.  That's something that I don't do well, trust.  Safety isn't an easy thing for me, I have always made things happen in my  life.  This time, it's just not going to work.

Father God remove from me the bondages of my past.  Free me from all dependencies on people that can fail me and direct me to depend solely upon you.  I give You the emotional wreckage I carry daily - because I cannot bare it alone.  I crave Your peace as You have given it to us.  In Jesus precious name, Amen.

Pain, separation, grief, and grace.

I'm not the type of person that looses people well.  I just don't.  I guess none of us do, depending upon the relationship.  There's varying degrees of loss and it's affect on us.  We loose people in life, I suppose it just happens.  This does not make it any less painful, or easier to overcome.

As with anything it's in the perception.  As I was writing I thought to myself, unless it's a death, you don't really "loose" people, they are just in different places - and the relationship just changes or alters... but we still have to psychologically adapt.  This is where I've been, trying to adapt to such changes and it has been one devil of a road.  I thought I could handle it better, "thought" being the operative word here -- than what I actually did.  Sometimes people have such an impact upon us - that we do not actually realize the depth until they are no longer in our lives.  That has been the case with me.  It is so painful now that I actually don't want to write about it.  I know that I must, so I forge on.

My beloved Pastor of about four years left our church in April of this year.  I thought I was going to be okay.  However in the last few months, I've found out that I have not been able to handle this - and I've really digressed.  The thing that has taken me so was how this has hit me.  The denial that I had about it all and how the grief has surfaced, has really taken me by surprise.  As much as I know about grief from the loss of my beloved father -- and a close friend, we (I have learned) never really know all that there is to know about how grief affects us.  The long and short of it is that I've been devastated.  What I don't know is - was it because of the was I handled it, or was it just how it presented itself in my life?  Well, I know that part of it I have to own, for my dysfunction is part in parcel.

There's only been a couple of people in my life that have majorly impacted me.  Ah, there's been a few that have given me great gifts, but when someone gives you something so precious that you have an internalization of truth, it's impossible to explain -- as it should be.  I've written blog after blog of what this man has given me in grace.  Knowledge, beauty, and truth that was there all the time, I just couldn't see it without his eyes.  I also know now too - as I've struggled my entire life to believe that God really does love me, (as a lot of us do) what an inordinate gift from God this was.  The teaching that I received, the fellowship, the friendship, and the honor of this mans presence was a gift straight from God.  A gift so precious how could I not grieve?  It was likened to a velvet box straight from heaven above with a vision of Jesus like I'd never seen Jesus.  Something that I'd yearned for my entire life.

I was in a horrible situation when I found Midland Church.  I was the caregiver for my Mother who has dementia, under the Hitler like rule of my OCD brother who is a rage-a-holic.  I had been evicted from my own father's house by my brother because I wouldn't pay bills and be a 24-7 caregiver.  He and my other brother stripped the house of food, and anything that they thought I might need or could use prior to putting me out.  These are nasty dysfunctional people, who have had hatred towards me my entire life.  I moved in one day.  I'd been going to a Baptist church nearby - and praying reverently.  God delivered me.  He completely answered my prayers - and led me to Midland and Pastor Paul White's grace church.  I'd been under such condemnation, shame, and I was physically ill from the abuse.  God gave me a miracle.  Grace is a miracle.

I used to leave Midland church after my pastor preached elevated off the ground.  Many times I've floated out of that church... so taken by the vision of Jesus that I would never be the same.  I learned to rest, and be a peace no matter what may come in my life - because my Jesus SITS at the right hand of God.  Pastor taught me, and I searched for myself -- what the scriptures reveal.  I was a shame based person, but no more.   This was my gift from God.  However the message of grace is so needed in the world, Pastor evangelized more and more.  I knew that he would leave eventually and that day finally came.  He taught me that everything has a season.   Yet and still, letting go is so hard.  Who would want to let go of something so glorious?  No one.  I'd gotten quite close with Pastor, and would go and see him from time to time - his anointing so great I wanted to be near him.  I'd share my truths about life, and he'd listen.  I felt like one of his flock.  It was a really beautiful time in my life, and it felt safe.  I haven't felt safe much in my life.  Especially not after my dad died.  I suppose this is why I clung to Pastor so.

I am not happy with myself but I also know that grief will sometimes bring out the worst in us.  I've made some mistakes - as I've been trying to find Jesus by myself.  I may never find him like that again, and I have to accept this.  I still cry, hard.  It's okay.  It was a precious time in my life.  I learned so much.  I wish I knew all of the answers but if I did I wouldn't need God. (Lend not on your own understanding)  I haven't told pastor how hard this has been for me, nor the mistakes that I've made.  However I know that he'd tell me that God wasn't mad at me and that Jesus still loved me no matter what.  I don't know why it is that when I'm hurting I run the opposite way from God, and some how think that He can't possibly understand - my goodness what Jesus went through for us.  I guess we dehumanize Jesus and God all the time.  Maybe it's natural - but I don't like it.  I get angry with myself for vacillating between my flesh and my spirt man.  Yet I know that even the apostle Paul said that the things that he did not want to do he did... and the things that he wanted to do, he did not.  I'm human.

Grieving is difficult no matter what the loss.  I watch people go through it all the time.  I've been through it and some of my crappiest behavior comes out.  I don't like this.  God knows it.  I'm just so thankful, grateful that His mercy is new every morn.  I'm so grateful that I didn't fall back into my old behaviors any further than I did.  It was bad enough.  I'm back where I need to be, or getting there - and healing.  I have to remember that I was trying to help someone when I got lost.  I just wasn't strong enough at the time to help.  Boy, I really dislike being vulnerable at times.  It can be the root of all evil.  People sense that I think, and I know that satan does - and that is all the credit that you'll ever hear me give him.  Christ defeated him!!!

These last few days have been a blessing.  Yeah, I hurt.  It hurts a lot.  I miss my pastor so badly.  He may never know what he and his message meant to me after a life of shame, guilt, and remorse.  He is just a man, a very special man indeed - sent to me as a direct gift from Jesus Himself.  It's going to take me a while to get over this.  However, God did not take away the gift.  This is what I have to know.  Things change - and I meant what I said when he went away -- others need what he gave me.  I'm not selfish, and I want the grace message to be spread throughout the world.  I'd never begrudge someone of what I've received.  People out there are praying that same prayer that I did - and need him too.

I will forever be a student of life and the Lord.  I'm hard headed.  I'm lazy too - to an extent.  Pastor had fed me Jesus like no other in my entire life.  The four years I went to Midland church were unlike anything I've ever experienced, and will probably again (not to limit God).  However, I must now seek to find.  If I am to have the kind of relationship that I truly want with Jesus then I have to  pay homage to it.  It's just like any other relationship, it takes dedication.  Not works, but I can't just sit around and wish for it, like God is some kind of Genie.  No it takes devotion for me.  It's more than just prayer time, which is important no less, but there's more to it that this.

 It's really simple, what you put in is what you get out.  If I want to know Him more then I must seek Him out.  It's not rocket science and it's not magic.  I know that grace is what holds me together.  It is a free gift and it will always be there.  I am the daughter of the Most High, and I am made righteous in Jesus Christ.  This is my identity, this is what Pastor Paul taught me.  The grief caught me off guard, but I know now what I need to do.  I totally believe that everything is our teacher, especially the most painful stuff.  Pastor's teaching continues, and I watch - no it's not the same as when I could get a hug and hear him tell me that he loves me - but I know this in my heart.  I just have to trust that things are the way that they are because this is what the Lord wants.  I'll see him again.  It's just that for now he's about my Father's business.  Actually I wouldn't have it any other way.  I've made some mistakes, but never to fret, they're covered by grace.  I just forgot who I was for a little while because of the grief.  Praise be to my Jesus, because of what He did at the cross - my spirit is flawless!