A Stark Reality.

It sort of shakes inside my frame.  This unsteady place that I've reached.  It's very uncomfortable to be here, matter of fact it feels quite unsafe.  Unstable.  A bit akin a cliff, an edge to some foreign place for me emotionally -- a state that I do not yet know.  It feels sharp, yet fresh because it is new but not without a great deal of fear.

As I delve deeper into the book, I am having all sorts of memories flood back from my childhood.  Things that I do not necessarily want to remember.  The times that I would hide.  I'd hide for hours on end, under the table, in the closet.  I was frightened, horribly by my own mother.  Mom was a Jekyll  and Hyde most of the time... I just never knew when was which, and who was going to show up.  I lived most of my childhood in terror.  I tried to anticipate her every mood -- staying astutely attuned to her as I possibly could as to not set her off.  Still one never knew.

It takes a great deal of courage, guts, and truth accepting to come to grips with the fact that your own mother was mentally ill.  I know that now.  I cannot tell you how this helps or doesn't?  And for whomever might stumble upon this and wonder why a person would even address such an issue?  Because I bleed when I'm cut, and this crap is hurting me.  The damage that this has done to my life -has formed patterns and adaptations which are controlling my life.  It's like a bad root.  I've got to get it out.

Insecurely (disorganized) attachment.  That's what this book is calling my relationship with my mother.

"Attachment:  A system of the inner brain that evolved to keep human children safe because of the length of time that it takes to reach maturity.  Attachment has three affects, first, it enables the child to seek proximity to the parent; second, to go to the parent for comfort in times of distress; third, to internalize the relationship with the mother as an internal model of a secure base."
Daniel J Siegel, M.D. , Mary Hartzell, M. Ed., Peg Streep, Mean Mothers - Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt.

So it's no wonder that I don't remember - these connections begin at birth.  This astounds me.  I literally do not know how to feel, or how to try and comprehend this.  All that I do know folks is that I've spent $1400.00 in two weeks.  Every addictive behavior that I have is screaming.  I do not want to accept this.  I've replicated these relationships over and over.  It's basically how my mind is hard wired.  I had a friend of mine breakdown the other night, sitting right here in the other chair in my office.  I had hurt her with  my disapproval/intolerance.  My internal "nail people to the wall",  because I can - had gotten the best of her.  It is a new friendship and I stay on her all the time.  I was somewhat aware of it, but I had no idea that I'd hurt her so.  Of course it makes me fell horrible.  It is as if I cannot control myself -- I have something akin to an inner Hitler - at times.  I think I have worked so hard to become my own person (too hard) that I push people so far away from me when they begin to get close..... To be transparently honest -- I don't think I  even know how deep this junk runs.  Sometimes, often times, it doesn't feel safe inside my own mind.... alone.  It just makes me wonder --- if anyone else has ever felt like this.

God Help me if I  make it out of this alive.  That's what my brain/heart thinks but I know that this is a lie.  I'll survive, and surpass it.  If I weren't up for this task, God would not have brought me here.  I don't know where this comes from inside me, but recent prayer - but it's in my mind.

Insecurity attached is anxious, ambivalent, and disorganized in nature -- but mine goes further than that -- since I had to reach for my mother and she as the abuser emotionally - I had to  go the the very thing that was the source of my terror to attempt (but not achieve) resolution.  I just thank God that she didn't physically abuse me, for this I'm grateful.  

My actual status is disorganized attachment - which is the worst of the three different categories.  It is difficult, especially with all that is going on in my emotions to try and explain what all is being communicated in Ms. Streep's book.  Please bear with me.  I'm trying my best right now to get this outside of me and make some sense of it.  I'll be real glad when I reach the part where we get into the recovery section instead of the depth of the destruction.

Yes, I am in therapy -- never to fear.  I'd never attempt to do something like this alone.  The other six days a week are what's hard.... because I have such an inner defiant  little girl.  I will do what I'm going to  do at all costs.  I'll shop until I have 3$ in my account.  Spend every penny.   The totally sad part is that part of me doesn't care, but a larger part does.... so the damn struggle begins.   Of course Ive discovered that you cannot just talk to anyone about this kind of work.  Some people wouldn't do  it if they were drowning.  I cannot keep from doing it...I'm so miserable.  I've always been a search and seek person - I guess those of us that felt like we were unloved, out of place, different, and strange just do that.  Chemicals have always been the only thing that has ever made me feel normal when I was younger -- and they (even though they don't work) still are old coping mechanisms.  Even the shopping gives me brain chemicals - it's an avoidance behavior.  So is sex, sleep -- eating.  The brain doesn't fail us - we get the goodies.

Ok now here is where I have to end this thing and find a solution to how I feel and this is going to be a difficult accusation this time people.  Well if I had to start with what first emerged from my mind, it's that I will make it through this - victorious.  I did not post that image for grins and giggles.  My track record with the Father is 100%.  I've so-far made it through every single nasty ordeal that life has presented me.  I have facts of this. I should not even be here people.  I've caught myself on fire.  This is just ONE debacle that I'be been through with my addictions. I lost quite a bit of hair, but otherwise I was okay - I woke up.  Talk about being humiliated. People laughed at me, literally.  I've fell asleep (nodded) absolutely everywhere... even in church.  When you do it, you don't realize what you're doing.  It's mortified me the very day when I watched Intervention, and I saw a woman strung out on Percocette - and she nodded too.  I cried like a baby -- full well knowing that this was me.   It was like God holding up a mirror to my face, and it changed my life.  I'll write more about what pain will do to you at another time, but it is relentless- some types and it will eat you alive.  Emotional and physical if you do not deal with it.  That has been the experience of my life.

So - I forge ahead.  So I'm the worst of the three attachments.  Oh well.  For some reason - it made me think that I had or must have a wonderful crown coming.  Don't ask me where that came from.  I feel more hopeful getting this outside of my head.  My mind and my body want to heal.  Healing is the most natural and perfect process of the body.  It is abnormal to not evolve.  It takes work.  We, man -- were designed to adapt, change, metamorphosis -- learn - and grow.  This is what I SEEK.  I've stated it before as I believe in conjunction with Marianne Williamson --- a miracle can purely be a change in perception.  I believe in miracles, I have witnessed them in my own life on more than one occasion.  I fully believe that I am being directed by the Holy Spirit, through this healing.  This is only but a season.

Thank You merciful Father for life.  Father help us live it more abundantly -- as the children that You would have us to be.  Help us be equally yoked with You, and let these earthly shackles fall from our hearts and minds.  Mend our hearts so that we may see and know ourselves as You see and know us.  Help us love each other with brotherly love and be joyful in our daily walk.  Thank You for our grace,  blessings, and favor.  In Jesus precious name, Amen.  

The Relentless Journey.....from head to heart.

This is the picture of my current quest.  These two books my mates.  My first reading of the day is: "Jesus Calling", by Sarah Young.  I read this one first for it's inspiration and strength building in the Lord..... and it's wonderful messages, just as if Jesus himself were speaking to you.  I personally, find it quite uplifting and heartfelt.  I read the ascribed scriptures, in which I find much comfort.

The second book is: " Mean Mothers"- Overcoming a Legacy of Hurt.  I suppose the name pretty much says it all.  For those that are faint of heart - and that have a hard time imagining a mother as anything other than the virgin Mary --- take heed, because this is going to get hairy.  I've written previously about some of the issues that I had with my mom, but I'm now on a mission to HEAL.  I'm dedicated to break the power that this relationship had/has over me and my relationships ( and with  myself).  I would be honored if whomever would follow along with me in this process - but if you just cannot, I fully understand.  All that I ask is that if you know of a woman or a man that this rings true with --- Please, PLEASE inform them of my writing.  I am not only doing this for my own therapeutic benefit, I do this in high hopes that this might help someone else heal as well.  All of my writing is for hope's sake, of being beneficial to someone else.....  So please be kind enough to pass on my link.

Reading "Mean Mothers", is enormously difficult.  I have had to make myself read it.  Ms. Streep's experience is so similar to my own that it is frightening.  As per our culture -- we think/believe/affirm that motherhood is like a reflex.  We in America just annotate that a woman has a baby and everything that she needs to know just shows up "poof", after she has the baby - like magic.  This is such as misnomer.  Mothers are human too, they have feelings, sometimes difficult feelings, and struggle just like everyone, every human.  It takes skill, enormous patience, kindness, gentleness, selflessness, and extreme effort to be a good mother.  Some woman have what it takes, and some don't.  It's not a promised skill.....maternity.  It certainly isn't magical.  Trust me, I know.  I've been on the receiving end of one of the ones that didn't get a good dose of fairy dust.

As I really process this content - or even approach this book and all of it's emotionality - I feel a bit like I've a touch of PTSD.  I do not say this lightly.  I've shared that I do not remember much of my childhood - what I do remember is as if I were looking at a child that I do not know..... from outside of her.  I know that this is a very intimate thing to admit - but if I am going to do this, you're going to have to see inside of me. ( I just pray that God will protect me, and grant me the blessing with the knowledge that the sole purpose of this is to enlighten, and inform.)  This is what intimacy is -- "in to me see. "  This little girl is hollow, and she is afraid.

What I know as of now - having had a parent that stiffens when you approach them for love, all the while knowing intrinsically that they do not love you (I knew by the tine that I was 4) makes for horrific feelings of self-doubt.  One tries to figure out who's at fault, that is what children do --- and looking at your mother who from all intensive purposes, looks perfect - without a hair out of place, you conclude that the problem must be with you.  And so you swallow that inside yourself.  Thus is I believe the beginning of my memory loss.

How could I want to remember that she has no desire to comfort me?  How could I want to remember when she would scold me for being in pain?  I can remember bits and pieces of lying in the bed sobbing (I was ill as a child with reoccurring bladder/kidney infections) because I hurt.... and the shaking of the bed would wake her up --- and she'd scold me.  Not really for being in pain, but that I'd not woken her earlier - and she'd attempt to sooth me, but I was so afraid of her.  My mom did not respond well to fear.  Fear made my mother angry.  That was a combo.  Of course my little mind didn't comprehend that she was angry because I'd not woken her - all I felt was her anger.  Being such a sensitive child, I was already riddled with so much fear -- and he yelling at me, did not help - it broke my heart.  Her attempts to soothe me, fell on a wounded heart.  Then came the shame of it all....."if you would have just told Mommy"....  Yeah right.  Like I'm going to trust you.....

This just one experience -- out of many hospitalizations of which she never attended..... it was always my dad.

So as I'm understanding all of this, and beginning to dig into the feelings associated -- therein lies the years of self doubt, fear, and self loathing.  Does anyone fully understand now why I've been in therapy for 25+ years?  Make sense?  I have  chrome around my heart.  It started forming when I was a child.  I've tried to remove it, but I didn't have the right tools.  I believe --- now I do.  All things come in God's timing.  For everything there is a season.

This, this is why my life is empty and I have addictive behavior jumping like crazy.  Wounds.  We all have them, some more, some less, some people never attend to them and they run their whole lives.  I refuse to be prey to this junk my whole life.  I deserve SO much more!!!  Lord Jesus Christ I will heal.  I did not deserve the things that were during my childhood, nor the affect that it's had on my adulthood either.  These mother/daughter issues have prevented me from having fulfilling relationships for half my life and although it is not going to be an easy endeavor - I will heal.

Merciful Father,
Thank you Lord for this branch to healing.  Thank you Lord for my life, shelter, food, and sustenance.     As I have prayed for my head and my heart to converge, Lord mend my emotions - and guide my relationships.  I thank you for the precious people in my life, and I continue to ask you to bless, keep, guide, and direct each and everyone of them.  Lord let my life be a reflection of You- and use me for Your honor.  As always Lord, thank you immensely for your grace - Your precious gift of redemption, and love.  I pray for Your precious will in my life - today and alway.  In Jesus sweet name, Amen.

Precious Timing.

What a difference a few days can make.  While my life is still in flux - and I am still struggling with my coping skills, (and or addictive behaviors) I received some wonderful news.  A new beginning is in process for me, something that I've been working towards for a few months now.  I have been wanting to return to school to acquire a skill so that the job search dare not seem so daunting.  

Prior to loosing my job, I had been investigating the possibility of going back to school to become a nail technician.  It's not a glamours job - but it would be fun and a creative outlet.  My problem has been centered around funding.  The educational portion is only 400 hours so there is no option for a Pell grant or student loans --- but with my being disabled, I qualify for Vocational Rehabilitation.  What I had been struggling with was that I was being tested (at least it felt like it) to gather information, shadow other nail techs, and ask prospective employers about possible employ after college and the like.  It seemed like every time that I finished one task, she (my counselor) would put another upon me.  I grew frustrated, definitely.  The last time that I spoke with her, I was somewhat terse, and ended up telling her that I felt like she was making me jump through flying "hoops" --- and it was not a pretty conversation....... 

Needless to say, I felt pressure, especially after loosing my job.  Being so depressed and unable to really look for work -- and knowing that even thought I am a counselor and I have all the experience that I do -- it's useless.  I am not certified, and it would take me two (or more) years (with four years already) of more school under my belt, to gain the credentials that would be needed to even begin to counsel again.  Albeit, this is my first love --- this is a heck of a commitment.   With my physical issues, and the like, I just don't see that happening.  However, 400 hours is something that I feel like I can handle... and a trade that I would really enjoy.  

Long story short... I finally met with my counselor and I got the "GO AHEAD" to pick a college.  This was not long after going to church on Sunday and leaving because I (being the person that I am, and believing in the Finished Work of Christ) could not sit under preaching of condemnation and works....  I was very disappointed - to say the least because I needed church that day (and in my life period.)  However, I had been avidly praying, and really concentrating on my relationship with God -- and I knew that  I was in serious need of nothing short of a miracle.  God still does this, I'm living proof.... I've said it before -- and I'll say it again.  

God never ceases to amaze me.  His timing is impeccable.  Even as I prepare to work through some of the toughest and most painful issues of my life -- my ever so difficult relationship with my mother, and I still am battling with some addictive behaviors, I walked toward God, and He ran towards me.  I knew that He would, but this is the beauty of the Lord - He answers prayer in such creative and unimaginable ways.  If I allow myself to feel badly, I can beat myself up for not trusting Him, but I'm not going there, I'm not going to blame myself for something that right now, I cannot control.  I know as I work through the issues that I have, my trust will increase.  My childhood was not my fault.  Jesus knows this.  He counts my tears.  He always has.  Always will.  

We have difficulties in this lifetime, some more, some less.  I don't regret what I've been through - it has given me a tremendous heart, with a huge capacity for compassion and love for my fellow man.  This is why I write.  Maybe someone somewhere can relate to my struggles.  On the same page, I pray that they find inspiration in my spirit and hope.  God will make a way when there is NO way.  I've lived it, over and over, and I'm alive to tell.  

I've used this video before but I love it --- please listen to it, so powerful -- and so much meaning for me.  God has been there "Through All of It".....

Praise God!!!!     

The Edge.

I adore Marianne Williamson.  For me, her words so profound - it's like reading in velvet.  She has been such a part of my self-discovery and inner journey that I hold her in such high esteem.  I just recently purchased a book of her prayers - and I'm not sure why I did, I cannot seem to find the mindfulness to read it.  I am in an odd, odd place as of late.  One that I don't quite know that I've been before.

I am so tired of battling fear and the emptiness in my life - that this feels like a jumping off place.  I called my best friend this morning in tears - and all it seems that I can see is loss.  My distrust has my life barren.  It isn't as if I don't know why.  My Mom passed a few weeks ago - and I have been unable to grieve.  I've lost my job and have been so stuck that I cannot even look for work. My coping behaviors have me imprisoned.  I lost my job because I wasn't paying attention, and was somewhere I shouldn't have been anyway - with someone I shouldn't have been - doing things I shouldn't have been doing!  I missed a shift.  I was "out of pocket."  Attempting to fill the void.  The void that has allowed me to gain 30 pounds.  Mostly because I haven't been caring for myself.  Oh, I profess - but I don't do anything.  I "know", but I don't really do anything about it.

The definition of insanity is: Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.  I don't know that I expect different results, but I hope that things will get better. basically without my having to change anything --- which is insane.  Don't we do that though???

I know that it's fear that has me paralyzed.  Just dead stuck.

I lean to much on my own understanding.  My own mind.  It betrays me.  I betray myself.  I let my inner defenses have their way.  I suppose it better than feeling what is under it.

Ever since my mentor left, I have been so lost.  It isn't if I don't know the way -- isn't as if he did not teach me.  With all that I have to deal with - I cave too easily.  It's almost as if I'm not in the drivers seat - and I'm on auto pilot.  I just am along for the ride.  I know that I can change, I have done it before.  I need a miracle.  Once again.  And I know from where it needs to come.  Jesus has never failed me.  He won't fail me now.

I'm grateful for my path, but it is mine alone.  I know this.  For those of you few, thank you for taking it with me. This pain, this emptiness, my addictions, and the lot --- is hard to manage -- but I'll rise again.  I've always heard that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  I'm banking on just that.

From bar to church --- Lord please help me.  I need an intervention of some kind, into my life.  On so many levels.  I've got to stop professing and get down to the nitty gritty.  I've let my character defects run amuck and I'm sick of myself.  Life is what we get when we're not paying attention, and when we don't consciously choose.  I've not been choosing, but just letting it ride.  That isn't going to get it.  Momma's gone, and I've got to deal with the damages.  The tally's quite high.  An the bodies keep piling up.  So high that it is overshadowing my life.  It's like the Sahara desert up in here.  It's my own damn fault.

My friend, my precious friend says, "Trust God and do good."  That's my mantra.  One damn foot in front of the other.  One day at a time.  This too shall pass.  One thing I know if I know nothing else.... the only thing that stays the same, IS change.  I suppose when I get really ready -- which for me today is church.  It's a giant hole in my life.  Today that stops.  I hope it's a good fit.  Please God.  I need it so badly.  That's the amazing thing about God, if you step out for Him, He will always reach out to you - He'll come running to you.  I'm counting on just that.  I don't know why it is taking me all of my life to accept and comprehend that God is a constant --- I suppose because I did not bond with my Mother.  This chrome that is surrounding my heart.  Barbed wire more like it.  Not that I don't feel anything -- because I do -- feel so much.  But God isn't about feeling - it's about knowing and believing.  I have so much doubt in myself, and life.  At least right now.  God knows me, and He knows my heart.  I've never had that kind of permanence - I don't know how to trust something that I've never had.  I'm trying to comprehend however.  I was almost there once.  It was so beautiful.... I'm so glad that I wrote...

Thank you Jesus for keeping me safe in my own selfishness.  Your grace is immeasurable.  It truly blows my mind.  Settle my heart, and my mind.  Lead me home.

Down to One.

Life is, if anything - complex.  I find myself as I grow older more and more willing to live it out alone.  It's really difficult trying to communicate the complexities of life to new people.  I'm finding that I just don't know if it's worth the risk, or the effort.  People earnestly only comprehend from their level of understanding -- and one really cannot fault them.  Depending upon the level of empathy that is possessed -- and the communication method -- much can be misconstrued.  It's just not simple.  Especially in today's technology.  It's just damn hard.  I completely understand now why people do not let you in their lives easily.  It's hard work.

I don't mind taking risks, I'm a risk taker by nature.  My life is pretty much (you've probably already figured this out) an open book.  I don't have a great deal of secrets.  This draws back to my A.A. roots.  I just come from the line of thinking that secrets keep us sick.  This line of thinking works for me, and it keeps me accountable.  People still do not trust however.  People have their own ideals.  It doesn't usually take me long to decipher this.  It's also true that I have some fears of my own when it comes to meeting someone new with my history -- you can imagine.  So, this combo is often times.... difficult.  I just think that I've reached a place where I'm about to close a door that I'm not going to be willing to open again for some time.  Perhaps this is a knee-jerk reaction to what I've just gone through ---I'm not certain.  However, when you communicate with every effort and you're still misunderstood -- it makes it rather difficult to want to open that door again.  Attempting to fight with another person's personal demons is a no win situation.  I realize too, that mine are difficult enough.  It goes both ways.  This makes me wonder--- how two people ever really get together?  How do you do away with the wreckage of the past, and compete with the inner dialogue that blinds your partner from really understanding you?  I'm not sure, especially when the other person isn't even aware they have issues.  It's pretty much a done deal.  I certainly cannot compete with someones ego.  No one can really compete with mine.  So you reach this precipus where neither of you can move on nor advance further.  It's a stalemate.  If things get said in anger at this time, its disastrous.

I'm uncertain as to why people resort to nastiness when they reach a painful point, or a fear of rejection.  I don't understand why there is the need to hurt or sting prior to feeling fear.  Our defenses rear up, and we sting.  An we'll do it with whatever available ammunition.  Hardly thinking of the consequences.  It's almost as if it is an "automatic" to hurt because we're hurt.  Isn't this what little children do?  Aren't we adults?  At least the last time I checked I was an adult.  I've worked so hard at learning and training myself to NOT react, that this took me by surprise.  I was quite taken by it, and the rest of the bitterness that transpired with it.  It is so mind boggling to me how true it is that people play parts, they play Mr. Nice until the gloves come off.  An Lord help you when they do --

I don't know......  Alls I know is that sometimes reaching  out isn't it's all cracked up to be.  As hard as I might try - I cannot give another human a different perspective, perception, nor a impression of life. Sometimes how they see things is just that and it's immoveable - period.  Case closed.  Even when it's about your own life.  An they hardly know you.  When that happens you know that it's time to move on - even though every person that we meet we met for a reason.  WE MATTER.  I MATTER.  WE ALL MATTER.  No matter what anyone, anywhere tells you.  Ever.  Do not allow another person to "sweep your pain under the rug."  As if it is nothing to them.

I learned many years ago that people that haven't dealt with their own pain will not tolerate anyone else dealing with their pain.  What I mean by that is- we've all known those persons that are so quick to say after a particularly difficult life event to tell you, "you just gotta get over it."  As if we can play hop-scotch with our emotions and jump over the pain and emotional difficulties in life.  Trust me, they're out there... and it sort of gives you the feeling that you shouldn't feel.  Nine times out of ten -- these people have not dealt with their own emotional issues, and they can't (surely) stand to watch you deal, or go through yours.  They want you to "just get over it already!"  This to me is bordering on abuse.  Stifling someones pain is NOT okay.  Telling someone NOT to feel, is not okay.  In all actuality -- it is very selfish.  We cannot just stuff these intense emotions and expect for life to be okay  - because it's going to present itself in another area.... because it needs to be addressed or it will just morph into something else in your psyche.

Human beings are so complex.  Yes, it is easier to deny what you feel -- whether or not it be grief, depression, or regret that is plaguing you.  However, I will tell you as I know that I've stated in this blog elsewhere --- we are what we feel.  Our emotions are how we tell that we are alive.  It is how we experience life.  God gave our emotions to us for a reason, and only to the extent that you allow yourself to experience sadness/devastation/hurt - is to the extent and exact opposite of which you will be able to experience joy, elation, and true happiness within yourself.  If you deny yourself in one aspect - you will also be denied in the other.  It's all about balance.   Yes, the painful - sometimes extremely painful emotions can feel overwhelming at times -- but we must remember that everything that we go through is temporary.  Everything.  The only thing that is constant in our lives IS change.  BE who you are -- even if this isn't popular.  Being our own authentic selves is the greatest challenge (I think) that we face here on this earth.  I believe this because so many people will want you to be like they are -- and adhere to their beliefs, and ways of doing things.   It takes great courage to stand alone in your beliefs and your personhood.  Give yourself this gift..... and know without any doubt -- that what you feel, think, believe, and know... MATTERS.

Faith and Trust -- the transformation.

I'm at a presuppose in my life.  I'm completely at the jumping off juncture to either leap and fly or stand an stay.  Simply everything comes down to trust at this particular period of time in my life.  As those of you that read my blog know -- with my history - trust isn't the easiest thing in the world for me to harness.

It's very interesting that even when things go well in our lives, we wonder.  We wonder when the next shoe is going to drop.  Perhaps it is only I that feels this way - but when everything seems to line up just beautifully -- I sort of gasp.  Being the kind of person who's used to having been punished for doing the "right" thing -- I'm a bit uneasy even during good times.  There, I said it.  I know that isn't always the greatest thing to have to admit -- but I'm sorry with my background, lets face it - life has been very unstable.  However, I am actively learning to trust, to believe in people again, and the one thing that I do trust is God.  This is what I have to focus upon in all matters.  The area's where I've been lacking in my faith are my own fault, I haven't been to church for a variety of (some valid, some not) reasons.  So I'm missing this in my life.  I haven't been reading the word, again, my bad.  So my connection is not what it could be, and I would like for it to be.  I still am prayerful and thankful, daily.  I never completely, ever stop thinking about God.  Nor gratitude --- it's just who I am.  But alas, I've digressed!!

I've met someone wonderful.  Yep.  Me.  The part that is so amazing is that this feels like a gift straight out of heaven.  I won't bore you with all of the ways this man fulfills my prayers and how beautifully creatively God answered my prayer because if you've experienced God answering your prayers, then you already now how amazing that is.  Neither of us intended to meet each other --- it just sort of fell into place.  Beautifully.

Now you might ask what this has to do with trust and faith?  Oh boy.  There are things that we have to learn, journeys that we have to walk out that only can be accomplished when we are in relationship.  Some things just cannot be addressed while your single.  It takes the risk of love and the sacrifice to bring you through to the other side. It feels akin to a baby bird on it's first flight lesson.... or at least it does for me.  I've been single with a few exceptions, for almost 25+ years.  I've become quite comfortable in my single life... being accountable to only me.  It's a whole new world, needing or wanting someone around.  I'm just not used to someone being there.  Honestly -- it almost feels foreign.  It's been just myself and God for so long -- that sometimes I'm not quite sure how to act.  An this is hard to explain to someone that has not been where I've been.  In the river - dying of thirst.  It truly rings true right now how there just comes a time when someone finds you and it's like you have known each other your whole life, even though it's only been a short time.  Also how they just seem to know what you've needed all this time.  It can be rather uncanny at first, and offsetting, yet wonderful.....  It's hard to explain.  I know this is choppy and I apologize, I've not written in some time.

My one and only goal in life has a duality.  My life's focus is to love God back and to allow myself to experience the peace that Jesus gave me in this lifetime .  It's actually a combination of my attempting to understand ( and comprehend) everything that I am in Christ and to let Christ live through my life. I don't always measure up - however - the Lord knows my heart better than anyone ever could, and I rest in that.  One of the most beautiful gifts that Pastor Paul White ever gave me was to learn to "sit-down" on the inside.  Because my Jesus is sitting at the right hand of God -- as long as Jesus is sitting --- what would I have to be concerned with?  Which means precious peace.  He is my all and all, the Author and the Finisher of my faith.  I do write about my struggles here -- but I am human, not super natural.  If a person tells you that they don't have doubts at times, they're not be forthright.

I'm going to have a decision to make.  The man that I care for lives in another state.  At some point quite possibly soon - I'm going to have to decide what I am going to do.  It's going to require much thought, prayer, and faith.  Isn't life interesting when it presents you with something that you've wanted basically all your life?  It is very interesting to watch the opposition come in.  To negate the fears.  Fear of what, being happy?  Therein lies another whole concept........

Alas ...  I am enormously grateful for this "problem"... and I say that with tongue in cheek.  I know it is going to be transformative because of the risk that is involved, I can feel it.  I welcome it.  He is a very wonderful man, and I'm at peace with him.  What seems to be the biggest battle that I fight (as with most things) is within my own thoughts.  I'll keep you posted.

Father God, Thank you for this opportunity  to love someone and to have someone love me for me.  Lord, thank you for answering my prayer so beautifully at the exact moment that you knew was right.  Help me quell my fears Lord, and put to rest my thoughts, help me to listen an hear the holy spirit as it guides and directs me.  I pray for your  perfect will in my life Lord, that I know it and fulfill it.  Thank You Jesus for life, in Jesus name,
Amen.

Faith and Fear

Life is so interesting.  How things evolve and change.  It never ceases to amaze me.  We hold on to ideals and concepts so tightly until life beats us to a pulp, teaching us that what we believed in so solidly was completely the opposite of what we believed.  However, it takes an earth shattering experience to change our thinking.  Do we have to be so hard pressed in our thinking?  I'm learning that no, no we don't.  Change doesn't have to be that hard.  And being open to new ideas and ways of thinking can be applied by a much easier method.

I have this problem with control.  I've had so much powerlessness in my life -- or at least this is what it seems like.  I've had things, events that have happened in life that I really didn't choose, but I did put myself in the environment.  So I had part to play.  I'm not totally innocent.  I try and own what's mine.  Nonetheless, I didn't know what happened was going to happen.  I'm no fortuneteller.  I did not ask for the likes of my mother.  Her and my relationship regrettably shaped a great deal of how I am in relationships, albeit I've had therapy for it for 25 years.  Not bonding with my mother was very difficult because I did not learn how to nurture myself, I did not get affection that I would have normally gotten,  nor the validation, self-esteem was horribly lacking --- and the list goes on and on.  However --- I bid you that I am as whole, happy and at peace today because of Jesus as I know how to be.  Everything that I've came to understand under the teachings of Pastor Paul White in four years has taught me enormous lessons of what and who I am in Jesus Christ.  I'm the one that looses sight of this, on a daily basis and part of the reason that I write.

 My faith.  I struggle with it daily.  It's that trust issue again.  As one can imagine, trust is not something that comes easily for me.  My own mother betrayed me.  Now that's real right there.

It's very unfortunate that my response to deal with life is to fight and feel fear.  I doubt that there's many people, Christians especially that would admit that.  If you read my blog, you would know that I'm not your average Christian.  At all.  I was taught radical Grace.... and it blew my mind because of the immense beauty, the depth of the love of Christ, and the enormity of the Word.  I'm not supposed to feel fear, it's the absence of faith.  I don't have (always) the gifts I know that I can have.  Who's fault do you think this is?  Yep.  Mine.  I've allowed fear to creep back into my life.  I have an anxiety disorder - but I'm not even supposed to say that in grace.  I cannot tell you the number of times that I've been told that Jesus paid for "insert what ever illness here".  I guess I don't know how to be a Grace christian.  Perhaps this is the real problem, because I or my little brain cannot comprehend it all to the point where I am spotless.  I'm Saint-like.  I suppose I still have too much human in me.  Having had such a psychological and therapeutic background does not help me.  It has put me at a fault when it comes to Jesus and what He did (all) at the Cross.  I just have been pounded so hard that everything is my responsibility .  It takes so long to uproot those kinds of beliefs, to let go of that philosophy, and just let God love me into wholeness.  Maybe this is part of why Pastor Paul left so I could begin to dig deeper and find this stubborn root.  Stubborn it is, and I really don't think I'm alone here -- I totally believe that we all struggle with fear and control we just may call it something else.

I am the kind of woman/person that knows them self  pretty well, and what I know doesn't frighten me.  Not anymore.  I've stared most of my (boy I hope) ugliest demons in the face and survived.  I've sat with my inner child and felt her pain, and I've walked with my addiction and I know it's voice.  I've survived long, difficult periods of alone time, and struggled with having to take care of myself during medical procedures alone. There just isn't much that I've not been through that I've not been through, alone.  However, Jesus has always been there right with me, holding me through it.  I know for certain that He has believed in me more than I've believed in Him, and I'm saddened to say that truth.  I have a much greater faith today because of His Word, Pastor Paul, and just life.  When the Word really gets inside you, you know it.  Even when you don't part it's pages.... it's still there, in your heart.

I sincerely hope that this speaks to someone because I know that I've beaten myself up SO much for being afraid.  I've come to understand that it is not that I don't believe in God, or that I lack faith -- it just a part of resistance.  Yes  We like to "think" we are in control of our lives, I think that's a human trait.  I think that is just normal.  However. it causes us a great deal of stress (unnecessary) and and I believe it is the root of almost all illness.  It is not normal to live in 'flight or fight' mode.  That was for survival, and we are so far beyond that - yet we use it to (try) to control ourselves and other people -- our spouses, friends, etc.  If I just worry enough...this won't happen...  That's insane.  I have a friend that constantly says "I know, I know" about prayer, faith, and God - but is so stressed out her hair is falling out.  She is having chest pains, and I'm very worried about her.  Is anything that is under the blood of Jesus worth all of that?  Who made us responsible?  That my guilt and my anguish could affect events, outcomes, and circumstances?  How grandiose?

I did get one thing right in Jesus, even if I am still ever the student.  I remain humble and teachable.  I know that my Jesus is SITTING (because there is no further need of sacrifice) at the right hand of God, and that if He is sitting, I have nothing to worry about.  Essentially - ever.  God isn't going to just take care of the sin debt and leave us to fend for ourselves.  That wouldn't be any kind of parent.  He took care of everything for us, and this is what I need to immerse myself into and embrace to let go of control.  I still growing in who I am in Christ-- and you know what?  That is okay.  Jesus still loves me, He already knew it!  I'm the one just figuring this out.  It took me awhile to understand that only good things come from God... I used to believe that God dished out consequences as well.  I had a lot of undesirable stuff to overcome in my beliefs that had been passed down to me-- that didn't belong to me.  What are you holding on to that was passed down to you?  Have you even thought about it?  It's so crucial to make absolute sure that your beliefs are YOURS.  Not hand-me-downs.

Father God, I love learning.  I praise you for my ability to ponder Your absoluteness.  I praise You for the knowledge that I obtained during my time at Midland, what an honor, Father God.  I am still unveiling truth.  Help me go forward with the truth that I know is inside me, hand in hand, spirit to spirit... as You would have me.  Let the Holy Spirit continue to reveal new things to me, and let me be quiet enough to hear Lord. Thank You Jesus for this beautiful thing we call life.  I am discovering that I am free.
In Jesus's precious Name,
Amen.