Just another joint of the Journey

I've been through a bit since I've last written.  I didn't have time before, and now - again, all I have IS time.  I worked a mere three weeks, and one of the main funding sources ran out - thus, I got laid off.  

Being a person that has delayed reactions to things - it didn't seem to bad at first - I wasn't fired, nor let go -- I had just been temporarily laid off.  That is what my "rational" mind told me.  I hadn't had time to consider all that I'd been trying to cope with - all the dreams I'd had in my head.  Not only that, but the stress that I'd been under (good stress) trying to adjust to the new job.  Since it had been so many years since I had worked, the adjustment period had really just begun.  I'd had some difficult days, with pain control - and silly as it may sound to some -- missing my daily naps!  There were days when paperwork ruled, and I had a serious time staying awake.  This in itself was very disconcerting.  I knew that it would take sometime to adjust - and I was just beginning to get into the 'groove' of things.  Just getting a set routine, time off spent getting clothes ready - apartment cleaned, doing what every other working person does - in managing time.  It had been so long, that I had to relearn how to do it.  However, I had a lovely schedule, the longest stretch that I worked was two days in a row - and then off two - so it was really great.  I had all the time I needed to prepare to return mid week.  

I hadn't been feeling the greatest, there had been some stomach thing going around - and it seemed I had it.  My energy was very low - and come to find out, what ever this virus was, affected my blood pressure as well.  When your blood pressure is low, you feel lousy.  I knew, however, despite how rotten I felt, I was not missing work.  

I got a call about three weeks in - on a Thursday afternoon and I was actually napping - to come into work.  I told my supervisor that I wasn't feeling well, and he told me "no problem, we'll see you tomorrow."  Little did I know that when I got there I would be whisked off into a office, and told I was temporarily laid off until the funding returned.  They apologized, as I would expect, but what about my dreams?

I'd been looking at different apartments - and had bought clothes just the day before.  In all actuality - I'd spent too  much money - as I do from time to time.  Now here I am --- an unemployed person again.  My dog had surgery just earlier in the week, and I'd had extra testing done on her - because I knew I had extra money coming in.  Oh well........

So now I've a whole different set of circumstances to deal with in this juncture of my journey.  I won't tell you that by the third day I wasn't quite depressed about it all. I had big dreams.  Not only that, especially - on the days that I worked, I felt a sense of aliveness -- and great motivation to arise in the morning.  I love what I do.  I was on the verge of getting my certification back - and now that is stalled again.  One must be under clinical supervision in order to receive what I was going for.  

I've tossed it over and over in my mind - for what reason I do not know other than I'm human.  I guess that's what we do.  We try and figure things out.  I did not try and figure them out alone -- God is always in the picture with me, and I know that things happen according to His plan.  I know that there has to be reason for this, or it would not have taken place.  I groveled in my understanding of it -- but more out of the adjustment of my emotions.  I'd gone from the stress of the newness of everything that was, to now the newness of everything that isn't.  

It's funny how life can take turns so unexpectedly.  This makes me very grateful that I serve a constant God.  Oh I bewailed a bit - for I lost something temporarily that I really enjoyed -- but I trust that He knows why.  I, don't have to.  This will sound strange to some, and insane to others.  My faith keeps me going, in so many area's - in my life in general.  I don't get a lot of things - but I trust that God does and will reveal them to me as the time comes.  I know that someday I will look back and understand exactly why this happened, but I don't and refuse to drive myself crazy giving my mind a job that it can't handle.  

Faith for me, resides in the heart.  It is an assuredness and a safety.  I know my Savior has things in store for me, that I cannot even imagine.  I know this because of how far He has already brought my life.  It not just outward circumstances either - it's a knowing that all good things come from God.  I used to believe that God was angry, mad and vengeful.  I do not believe that any longer.   How are we supposed to love God, when we see Him this way?  If we really study Jesus's life, one can only see the humility, the compassion and the eagerness to spread gentleness commingled with love.  Jesus was God in the flesh, so how is it that God can always be so angry?  I just don't believe that any longer.  I've made mistakes, and plenty of them - but I refuse to believe that God remembers any of it.  To think anything less, would take away what Jesus did on the cross at Calvary.  I will not cheapen, no diminish what my Savior did.  I will trust, and wait.  I'll praise Him anyway - despite my circumstances.  I've everything I need - and then some.  And this comes from a girl that lives in a rent controlled apartment with a 13 year old car -- but I'm blessed.  I'm breathing, I've a roof over my head, food to eat - people that love me, etc.  Many, more that you or I even like to think about - don't have homes, or enough food to eat daily.  It's really simple for me.  When I'm in my "right" mind.  Some days I struggle just like everyone else.  However, it does not take me long -- to seek my comforter.  He and He alone knows my struggles.  I find solace in knowing He is sitting at the end of my life - saying, "rest my child!" What will be known will be made known.  Until then, I just have to do the next right thing in front of me.  Most of the time I find it in prayer.  

I just cannot imagine going through this thing called life, alone.  I've done it, and it was miserable.  Left to my own defenses, I always manage to really mess things up.  For this, and so many reasons on this journey -- at this as with every junction - I cling to Jesus.  Call me what you will, and judge me as you may -- but I'm never alone.  Not only that, but my help is supernatural.  It contains miracles.  I know because I've seen them.  Next time you're out and you catch a glance at that rainbow - think about it's maker.  Science may be able to explain it, but science didn't bring it into existence.  

So, job or no job - dreams aside for now - I'll hold on to my faith.  
"We walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7 
God's really my employer - and I'm still very much employed.  Happy Journey.  

A Testament of Faith

What God Can Do

I start a new job on Monday.  I resume my career.  It is my life's work - and I adore it.  I don't know that many people can say this.  However, God has given me, another chance.  

I started attending Midland Church in January of 2012.  I was somewhat overwhelmed at it's message.  Having been raised Baptist - First General Baptist - the message of Grace did not come easily to me.  I loved the services, especially the praise and worship part - for it is so up-lifting. The music was unlike any that I'd ever really heard - contemporary Christian.  The church band was actually very good.  I'd had a little insight into it - my friend had told me that the Pastor's brother was the leader.  The whole family is involved in the church.  

At any rate, after the first service, I went up to shake the pastor's hand and introduce myself - and to let him know that we had people "in common."  He looked at me and stated, "you look blessed!"  I don't know how he knew that, or from where that came, but I did feel it.  One of the things that he had said during the service was, "God's not mad at you, and He never was."   I'd always thought God was angry about something.  I'd always thought that when I messed up - He wouldn't even look upon me.  I'd believed that sin separates us from God.  So, I pretty much figured that God was upset with  me, all of the time - being the protectionist (or at least in my own mind) that I am.  

The message that Pastor Paul preached, had already began to set me free.  He had also talked about not being under "THE LAW" any longer - which I did not quite understand.  I knew he was referring to the ten commandments, but I did not know what he meant.  He kept talking about:  Grace.  

I've shared with you in past blogs what Grace is, so I won't go into it again - other than to say - the law of Moses was nailed to the cross with Jesus, and Jesus was our final sacrifice.  We are not under the Jewish Covenant any longer.  When Christ came, God made the final covenant with Him, the Lamb of God.  When Christ said, "It Is Finished!" - it was finished, Praise God!!  If anyone is interested in understanding this further - message me in the comments section below - and it will shoot me an email - and I will be happy to share Biblical back up - and further explanation.  

My own transformation took some time.  I'd been going to Alcoholic's Anonymous on and off for 26 years - and had felt the shame of not being able to stay sober.  I was full of resentment, anger, shame- and I examined myself relentlessly, daily.  It was just what I'd been taught to do.  I was a very reactive person - and I lived my life by my feelings.  An trust me, they'd change like the wind.  I've done, participated in, just about everything (that I could afford) that there is  a person can do outside themselves - to fix my insides.  Food, sex, shopping, relationships, moving from state to state - YEARS of therapy.  I've shopped myself into bankruptcy - and ran my life into the ground multiple times.  I've hit bottom so many times, the last time (just months before) all I had left were my clothes, shoes and my cooking knife - and my car.  So I know about life not being "pretty."  I had all the feelings that go along with this.  

I've been to a few churches, but this one was like no other.  I felt free to worship, I felt loved.  Pastor Paul even prayed a prayer over us at the end that blew my mind.  He told us we were blessed, that we were deeply loved, and highly favored - and he prayed 'favor' over our lives.  This was the beginning of what has been revolutionary change in my life.  Change that has been from the INSIDE - OUT.  

This is the only way that true change happens in reality - but I know that God has to be the conduit.  When I stopped being so worried about sin, and started letting Christ live through me - everything began to change.  Everything.  

I won't tell you it happened over night.  I won't tell you that it was like a "wand" had been waved over my life, but what I can tell you is that my life is no longer as it once was.  I have a peace now, that I've never known.  I no longer have to worry about life.  I have a High Priest in Heaven, that sits at a throne - who watches over me.  

I volunteered for an organization for some months -- after having not been out in society for years.  The transition was somewhat difficult - I used to struggle with anxiety a great deal.  However, in that endeavor - I found the courage to begin to believe in myself again - and I know unequivocally, it is because of the power of God in my life.  It was because of what God was doing inside of me.  He was ever so gently, teaching me to learn to love life again.  The Bible says "love life, and see good days"--  

About two months ago - I had a whisper in my spirit.  I knew that there was a substance abuse counseling position open at an organization right down the street where I was volunteering. Something, I think it was the Holy Spirit - told me to apply for the job.  At first I did not listen.....  I thought, all of the things one thinks who has not worked in 12 years would think.  But, the wrestling in my spirt would not go away.  I eventually redid my resume.  I had it checked and rechecked by people that I trusted. I went to the treatment center's website, and there it was - the job opening.  I wrote the main human resource's person - and shot off a resume.  That felt like, wow - I can't even describe it.  

I did not hear anything for a month - but I did get an interview.  The interview went fabulously.  It was almost another month before I was offered the job.  It took a great deal of work trying to find my old contacts, addresses and the like.  It got done.  I start on Monday.  

One resume, one interview, job acquired.  It is truly a miracle.  A gift from God.  It is from prayer.  It from God knowing the desires of my heart.  It is from allowing God to change me from the inside out.  It is from God always wanting us to use the gifts He has given us.   One of the gifts that I have is in my ability to counsel.   I've prayed that I want to be kind of christian who's vine produces fruit in life.  Now's my opportunity.  Praise God.  

So, if this 50 year old, 12 years out of work - woman with chronic pain can attain success through prayer and a personal relationship with Jesus --  Tell me, what God can't do?  He's moved an enormous mountain in my life, one I never thought possible.  I owe it all to Him.  

Blessings.

They come in all sizes.  Some come in - others we have the pleasure of being the "giver." I would say that my favorite is being the 'blesser' - but I like receiving too.

Life is full of them.  Rich with them.  Blessings happen everyday.  I thank God for my abundance, because I live an abundant life.  If a person were to look at my circumstances, they would think, are you crazy?  However, to me, I've blessed.  It is the simple things.  Loving and being loved.  I've ached for it my entire life.

When I first moved here (in the locale that I am now) I did not know anyone.  Now I have several friends, and an entire church family.  This  makes me feel rich beyond measure.  I no longer have those days of misery - when I did not have anyone to call to talk to -- nor did my phone ever ring.  An, it's not just that, it's an internal deal.  Since I've come to love God the way that I do - I never feel alone anymore.  I know intrinsically that I am not alone.  I've had times, when I've had low moods - where I've asked God to hold me, and I've felt the warmth of just that.  Do I miss relationships?  Sure.  I'm sorta human -- but a Godly human.  I no longer consider myself a creature of this world.  I don't adhere to the things of this world.  This is the  kind of blessings that I speak of.  I know what my Lord has in store for me.  I'm anticipant.

I had an opportunity yesterday that I seldom get.  My neighbor stopped by and had asked a favor.  I always try and be helpful.  In midst of the conversation, that usually ends up being a counseling session -- (praise God) she revealed to me that she doesn't eat - because she has no food.  Well, this was a RIPE opportunity for me to help.  I got the biggest bag I could find and started filling it with food.  I did this, and I write this not to be the Peacock --- but to acknowledge that God has given me abundance so that I can give to others.  It felt so wonderful, so wonderful, to be able to help her.  I noticed that the more food I put in to the bag, the more she seemed uncomfortable.  It is hard to receive.  She kept telling me, "I don't want to take from you," and I told her "you are blessing me!!!  It was a very humbling experience for my neighbor - and I held her and she cried.  The richness that I felt was extensive, but I also, felt for her.  How could I not?  I've been in her shoes...  There has been a time, when I've had food given to me, because I had so little.  The beauty of this is that I'd prayed for God to let my branches - bear fruit.  Yesterday -- it did.  How awesome is that?

Yesterday was an absolutely incredible day.  Church Bible study was amazing.  We studied all of the "In Him" passages.  Mostly out of Ephesians.  I adore my church, as anyone who reads my blog knows.  It's transformed my life.   It (it's message of Grace) has brought alive in me, what I never knew existed until now.  I am going to be baptized into Grace in a few Sundays.  I'll blog about that experience.  My life is just so expansively rich.  I don't have words to describe it.    However, it is all about blessings.

The man that I loved with all my heart (well there's two of them) but the ONE is back in my life - albeit via Skype from time to time -- but at least I get to talk and see him.  I don't even care if he reads this.  He knows how I feel about him.  And I've made a new male friend that is a Godly man.  He has been helping me, I went to the hospital over the weekend - and he took care of my pooch.  And me too.  So I've made another new friend.  He goes to my church.  Another blessing.

I'm awaiting the call from the interview.  If God intends for me to have it, it will manifest.  If not, then He has something more in store for me, something greater.  I have very  positive feelings about it - but with my Lord, who would not?  Things just take time.  God's time.  I've already told the Lord that I accept whatever may come.  It's His will, not mine.

Be blessed, in all that you do.  Thank God for your abundance - your family, your friends, your home, your food, your life.  I thank God every time I take a shower for hot water.  There are many third world countries that don't even have bathrooms.  We are a 'blessed' civilization.  We don't think about it, because we take it for granted.  Gratitude, for the blessed lives we lead.  My life is very simple - but I see richness in everyday details.  The birds are starting to return in preparation for spring - and I just thingk it is the most loveliest of sounds.  Their chirping makes me happy.  New life, the earth will come alive again, just as God promised.  Thank God for the seasons - the seasons of your life.  Even the hard ones, for without them, like the rain -- how would we ever glorify the sun?

Be a blessing to someone today.  However small, however large.  Listen to the small (or loud) voice inside you.  Go the extra mile for someone you don't even know.  Don't let it matter who knows or why it matters.  Because it does  matter.  It matters in our hearts.  It matters in our minds.  Blessings, receiving and giving always matter.  Be a person that matters.  Be a blessing.

Love

Love is a little word with a multitude of meanings.  It is a word that crosses cultures, races, and great divides.  I suppose what I'm saying is, it's pretty much universal.  At least, it is supposed to be.

I liken it best as the unconditional kind.  It's the way I try and love people.  Perhaps it seems simple - but yet it is not.  Unconditional love is either (I believe) inborn or learned through lessons in life.  The kind of lessons that are the hardest, usually when one endures heartache or some kind of soul suffering. I used to think that to suffer was to know that we were alive, but I no longer believe this - I now know that there is peace in living.  I just does not have to be so hard.

Loving some folks is difficult.  Liking some people - is down right hard to do.  However, being the person that I am - I will try.  Actually it's more than mere trying, I apply myself to it.  I make it a way of life, because it is one of the few commandments that Jesus gave us.  I'm not speaking of "Law" - the ten commandments - for when Jesus came He brought us a new covenant.  Galatians 2:21 (KJV) states: "I do not frustrate the grace of God:  for if righteousness come by law, then Christ is dead in vain." - This means we are not under the "Law" and longer of the Old Testament.  Christ life, death, resurrection - brought us a new set of laws --- The Law of Love. 1. Love thy neighbor as thyself, 2.Love the Lord your God with all your Heart, with all your soul and with all your might.  These are the commandments of Jesus.  We are no longer under jewish law any longer.  Christ paid the price for our sins - on the cross.  When Christ said, "It is Finished," He meant it.

Grace is a gift.  It is our salvation.  It's free because Jesus paid for it with his life.

Now, I am not a religious person, at all - but I do believe in the Bible.  I don't know how a person can follow Jesus and not.  What I 'm getting to here is however, love.  Love that we all have, love we receive, love we give and love, as a way of life.  It sounds pretty - but how easy is it to do, especially in these times?  Loving nice people is easy.  Unless you have problems with them.  Then the mind goes elsewhere -- the judgements start.

We categorize folks.  Good, bad, okay, sorta okay - and awful!  I think it's human nature -- the stretch is to stop doing this.  If we look inward - and wonder what it feels like to have this done to ourselves, we are much less likely to do it to others.  Hence, the Golden Rule.  I think it's pretty cool actually.  Then there's "walk a mile in my shoes" -- for no one know's another circumstance - yet we are so quick to delve out our opinions.

What would happen if we just saw people as good humans?  What would happen if (as the little plaque above my computer states) we just believed the best of everybody?????  How radical is that kind of thinking?  I bet we wouldn't be trying to kill each other for cutting someone off in traffic.  Our mindsets today are all me, me, me.  What if we actually tried to first acknowledge our neighbor?  Then, tried to get to know them?  Set aside judgements - and let them be what they are-- what we all are, flawed human beings.  No one among us has it all figured out.  I don't.  You don't  - and what if we just lived knowing it was okay to be wrong sometimes?  To not know the answers.  What if we just tried to live in a state of loving each other ~~~ just the way we are?  Letting people BE.  Stop the tall, skinny, fat, sweet, pretty, ugly, ETC.  I think it is illuminating.  It is evolving.  Rise above the crowd of simple thought.  Enter into the realm of unconditional love.

I adore the mindset.  I adore the thought processes.  I love people in such a way that allows them to be who they are - at their own expense.  And just keep loving them anyway.  I see people's potential.  I don't look for flaws.  I don't want to see flaws - I don't look for them because most folks know that they have them.  It ISN'T MY JOB.  It isn't any of our jobs.

Unconditional love is freeing.  It really means that I'm okay with me - and I'm okay with you - too.  It gives us permission to grow and take risks, to be vital and alive.  It make people know that they are accepted.  We all need that.  It validates our humanness.  And I believe it reflects God.

Love - be the person who spreads it - who contributes to it, at your work, at your home, everywhere that you go.  Let it be your "heart-condition."  Most of all, let it begin in your soul.  If you do not love yourself, it will be difficult for you to exhibit it to others.  The journey towards inward love is filled with hard work at times, but the price of freedom always is.  It is well worth it's fee.  Peace, fulfillment, illumination, and evolution is it's gift.  As so is love.

Seven Wonders of the World Movie

Seven Wonders of the World Movie: It's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle today that we naturally begin to take some of life's most beautiful gifts for granted. I love watching this story unfold through the eyes of a child. It's a reminder that our most priceless possessions were given to us free at birth.

"Your Love is So Amazing" by Michael White

My Church - Our Praise Music - Our Michael.........Praise God!!  One of my favorites.

Glorious Day (Living He loved me) ~Casting Crowns