Life is interesting at best. Managing all the things that need managing is quite the chore. If a person is able, or willing to admit the difficulty of the process. And granted I realize that there's folks out there that don't even "get" that life is a process. I can't really relate to that -but that's just me. I have multiple levels of awareness going on at different times, and some tell me I'm eccentric. Heck, I can catch that... I know that the almighty mind has much more power over me than I really prefer - albeit I am a heart creature. Balance that one out, it's a challenge personally - truly.
I've run into some defects of character since partnering. It was inevitable - but disconcerting none the less. It runs along the vein that I was sharing about a few days ago of there only being things that can be worked out when in relationship. It wasn't as if I didn't know that I had defects. Trust me, I've seen many an A.A. meeting and lengthy sobriety talks - and 5 5th steps... and so on. I'm a deep dweller folks, I cannot help it. I for the most part, know Gina.
I've however in the last few weeks, surprised myself a little. I've been living alone so long that I've become so almost robotic. I'm so used to things being the way I've done them, leaving things like I left it - expectations..... yuck. The thing about it is it isn't really over anything that matters that much. It's the things that I've made important to me, personal things. This makes it harder - and when I ask for them, it's more emotional. It is just so very interesting (for lack of a better word) how intricate relationships are -- and how deeply things are felt at times, and how different our perspectives can be. We bring all of our past with us, and neither side has a clean slate to work with or almost a chance to be whom he or she is. It's sort of sad. How we do this to each other and don't even recognize that we do it. Awareness is the key however. This is where it has to begin! Man this is all hard work, but it is work that is a hearts journey.
I've been accused of being brutal with the truth in my lifetime. I know that I have the capacity to do this. I know that I'm set in my ways and that I expect too much of others mostly because I expect a great deal out of myself. Hey - I'm a lot better than I used to be... trust me. I lack the ability to stay in the moment sometimes, and my brain goes haywire --- which I guess makes me the equivalent of a goofball at times. Quirks. I got um. They really get bad under stress too. Man have we had the stress. Even good stress is just that to the body --- stress. An then we got sick. Of course.
Hopefully all is on the upswing now, if I could just sleep. No such luck last night. It's okay, it breeds thought. Life is good, stressful at times, but good.
Character defects, I don't know anyone that likes theirs. Mine are truly pretty nasty. Getting in touch with our inner negative voices usually is not a task that most take on gleefully. It takes courage and fortitude. One must have a belief in something greater than they are that they believe in to see them through. If one truly does face introspection with the negative characteristics of themselves, one needs gentle support and strong foundation - personal strength. It is not an easy endeavor. It is however, extremely rewarding - this I tell you from personal experience. On cannot but come out a changed being, when facing one's darkness. One needs to but introduce the light into the dark. Find the positive in the negative, and turn the defect into an asset. Derive the source of the pain/motive behind the defect and walk through the pain. Defects are always about pain. Ironically - most things that impact us in life are about pain. It's a game changer.
I don't think true change can come without pain. We have to loose something in order to gain, truly. It is only through the loss that opens the space for acceptance to the new. It's that balance in life. Acceptance, surrender, birth, death..... all of the emotional shifts that take place between the head and the heart, the wonder of our lives if we but allow. Some choose not to feel because of the dread of pain...but man what they are missing in the long run. An entire orchestra of emotions.... some so beautiful one cannot even describe. Life. How blessed we are, how abundant our lives are without one single possession.
I've kind of been all over in this blog. I just went where my head and heart took me. I write the best (I guess) when I do this. Yes, I have quirks, and yes I do search myself for answers. Most of the time when I look I find answers. I guess I'm just an answer finding kind of gal. I like that about myself. I fight for the most part, most of my days to stay up and keep going. Some days I succeed - some I don't. I try to let life flow... and find a balance. It really is all about balance. Peace is always about balance. This will always be what I seek, regardless of what kind of issues are going on, is peace.
One needs to have peace as their goal when doing emotional work. Make time for it - in the intricacies of the work, take pause for a peaceful reprieve. Emotional work is never easy - I avoided it for years with anything and everything inside and outside myself. Mostly things that I ingested, bought or sought after in my addiction. I did not want to feel, didn't like it and avoided it at all cost. My life was like a run away train - headed for disaster. I hit bottom three different times avoiding life. That and all the insane behavior of a typical drug induced maniac. Life was horrible... but the fight becomes the life. It took for me to loose my dad to really get a grip on my life. I finally woke up - denial is a horrible malady. It is so thick a veil... to the alcoholic/addict. People don't even realize. Oh, they realize but it seems so impossible that a person so transparent can be so deluded! But we are!!!! What most people cannot see is that this is the brain's way of protecting it's supply of it's favorite serotonin boosting chemical! Whatever the chemical may be - even alcohol - the brain gets a pay off. Denial is there for a reason. It's a protection mechanism for the disease. Plain and simple. The addict/alcoholic isn't just being stubborn or stupid - they actually believe what they are telling you.
I guess I kind of got off the beaten path there... oh well. I suppose on some level for someone, that needed to be said. I've let my mind take me in this one. I hope that in some of what I write about my addiction history that it will help someone. So often I've heard from spouses of alcoholics/addicts, "If you loved me, you would stop!" This just has nothing to do with the disease. It has nothing to do with a choice -- and that is what you're asking. It has nothing to do with love and that's what you're comparing it to. Addiction is a compulsion - if it were merely a thought before an action - which provides choice - it would not be an addiction. Do addicts choose sometimes? Sure - but sometimes we can't. This is what most people don't understand. Freedom of choice -- chemicals just do different things to us then they do the average person. I believe they feel better to us. We get higher, if you will. I believe the receptor sites in my brain are different than a non-addict. I believe that I'm "hardwired" to loose control. That's just my silly belief - but mine none the less.
Hopefully this will speak to someone. Do the emotional work. Find somewhere inside that there is peace and cherish it -- hold on for dear life to it. Love who you love, and love them big as you know how. Most addicts are highly creative beings, we've had to be to obtain our drugs. We do selfish things, and we're short sighed at times... some of us get well. Don't allow anyone to hurt you on purpose... always remove yourself from that persons path. What works best with a person that is addicted? Intervention... of some kind. They have to be removed from the environment. I suggest professional help if the person is willing. Willingness is the key to recovery. Even the tinniest bit. Recovery is hard - don't let anyone tell you different - it takes guts and glory. It is as I say, difficult but not impossible. Find something that you believe in and believe in it with all your heart. It's all uphill from there. I say that because it's a spiritual solution, always is. Heart needs mending. The mind has to be healed as well. Rerouted - away from believing it's only solution is a way out -- which means more drugs. Coping skills. Most addicts are adept at manipulation, dishonesty, and aversion -- but being brutally honest? Forget it. They have to be taught how to be honest, and some of them, how to begin to be honest with themselves. It's no simple feat.
I could go on but I won't -- I'm sure I lost several people by now. I've been all over the place -- but have written as it's tumbled out of me. I'm still working on myself, I do it everyday - and I stay conscious. It's not the easiest way to live but it's rewarding. Life is rich. I'd much rather be alive and feel the bumps.....
Monday, March 24, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Love's strength & stretch.....
Love stretches us. It can't but not. There are just things, aspects of ourselves that can only be irradiated when we are in relationship with another person. Nasty aspects of ourselves at that - bits of our personalities that we didn't even knew would rear their ugly heads... They pop up while under stress, fatigue, and duress. Something gets said, or crankiness sets in, and someone's feelings get hurt. One or the other of you have let something leak our of the old stream of consciousness that just didn't need to be said -- you're filter didn't function properly. You've said one of the things that you'd even get on to yourself for thinking... and holy moly - it actually came out of your mouth. Ah crap, now you've done it. You've hurt someone that you love.
Heidi and I both have illnesses. This makes it difficult to be or have the ability to have a consistent life. When I feel okay - she might not. I have chronic pain and assorted oddities.... Heidi has Lupus and problems with both knee's. We have our hands full... but one thing that we have is compassion for each others malady. I however am a pusher -- with the pain I've just had to learn to keep going despite it and if I absolutely cannot - then I can't. Heidi on the other hand, has to reserve her energy as to not become or stay ill. We're different people in this aspect. She can't push, pushing makes her sick.
When we encounter anything that is totally different from our everyday reality - we reject it. Right off the bat. "Don't like that." "That's not how it's supposed to be done." A denial of sorts sets in as we attempt to deal with the new, to assimilate it into our reality. Sometimes if the change is too severe, we will have a cognitive response that is called 'cognitive dissonance.' This is when the mind just totally cannot deal with the reality (consciousness) of the new information.... and flat rejects it. It's sort of like (on a small scale) if you were to be on your merry way to work and encounter a new stop sign. It would be totally out of place, and cause you to question it's purpose in this world. If there wasn't need for it the last time that you drove through - what is it doing here now? Sometimes things, new things just don't make sense. To our programed minds anyway. It can be this way with many things in life, on multiple scales if enough change is introduced into an individuals life.
Now, none of these things are negative, they just are. Our minds are very peculiar things. We like to think we're on autopilot and that we got it all covered, but there are times when the mind will have moments when it just will not process new information.
Despite human frailty - despite flaws, cutting remarks - love prevails. One has to look to the person and the circumstance. We are a compilation of our past - even though we don't have to live in it. Things take time - give yourselves time. Know that if your partner has said something hurtful - if he or she is a good person - chances are they didn't mean it - and try and work through it.
There are going to be things that you are only going to workout with another person. Aspects of your self that will only arise in relationships. Know yourself enough to have a clue what those issues are. Then when they rear their ugly heads, you won't be devastated. You can give your partner a heads up. It can get kind of hairy sometimes.... but love bears all things. That isn't just a saying on a pillow. I was raised with parents that stayed together for 50 years.... I don't commit easily nor on a whim. Things need to be talked about with dignity and respect - like you love each other. Be a person of word and deed. Is it hard work? Oh yeah.... you bet. Has anything in your life that you really endeavored to attain easy?
Love expands us. It's beautiful really. Life looks different, feels different, is different. Honor it - protect it, cherish it. Fight for what you know and have passion in your heart for. Never give up when you know beyond reason that the fire is alive, do everything that you can to keep it stoked. Speak gently - love boldly.
Keep it and life Precious........................
Heidi and I both have illnesses. This makes it difficult to be or have the ability to have a consistent life. When I feel okay - she might not. I have chronic pain and assorted oddities.... Heidi has Lupus and problems with both knee's. We have our hands full... but one thing that we have is compassion for each others malady. I however am a pusher -- with the pain I've just had to learn to keep going despite it and if I absolutely cannot - then I can't. Heidi on the other hand, has to reserve her energy as to not become or stay ill. We're different people in this aspect. She can't push, pushing makes her sick.
When we encounter anything that is totally different from our everyday reality - we reject it. Right off the bat. "Don't like that." "That's not how it's supposed to be done." A denial of sorts sets in as we attempt to deal with the new, to assimilate it into our reality. Sometimes if the change is too severe, we will have a cognitive response that is called 'cognitive dissonance.' This is when the mind just totally cannot deal with the reality (consciousness) of the new information.... and flat rejects it. It's sort of like (on a small scale) if you were to be on your merry way to work and encounter a new stop sign. It would be totally out of place, and cause you to question it's purpose in this world. If there wasn't need for it the last time that you drove through - what is it doing here now? Sometimes things, new things just don't make sense. To our programed minds anyway. It can be this way with many things in life, on multiple scales if enough change is introduced into an individuals life.
Now, none of these things are negative, they just are. Our minds are very peculiar things. We like to think we're on autopilot and that we got it all covered, but there are times when the mind will have moments when it just will not process new information.
Despite human frailty - despite flaws, cutting remarks - love prevails. One has to look to the person and the circumstance. We are a compilation of our past - even though we don't have to live in it. Things take time - give yourselves time. Know that if your partner has said something hurtful - if he or she is a good person - chances are they didn't mean it - and try and work through it.
There are going to be things that you are only going to workout with another person. Aspects of your self that will only arise in relationships. Know yourself enough to have a clue what those issues are. Then when they rear their ugly heads, you won't be devastated. You can give your partner a heads up. It can get kind of hairy sometimes.... but love bears all things. That isn't just a saying on a pillow. I was raised with parents that stayed together for 50 years.... I don't commit easily nor on a whim. Things need to be talked about with dignity and respect - like you love each other. Be a person of word and deed. Is it hard work? Oh yeah.... you bet. Has anything in your life that you really endeavored to attain easy?
Love expands us. It's beautiful really. Life looks different, feels different, is different. Honor it - protect it, cherish it. Fight for what you know and have passion in your heart for. Never give up when you know beyond reason that the fire is alive, do everything that you can to keep it stoked. Speak gently - love boldly.
Keep it and life Precious........................
Friday, March 7, 2014
Loving Humans.
It's been a long time since I've written. Copious amounts of things have happened - unreal really - but then again, not to me. When my journey hit the world, did it surprise or shock? Those who knew me weren't blown over but still taken back a bit.
Life is about change, new possibilities, and opportunities. I'd been in the state of mind that I'd been in for quite some time - and then added school. That was okay -- hard sometimes but a risk, and an challenge that I needed. Then fate hit my life. It shook my foundation a bit, but also got me back face to face with another part of me too. People don't understand same sex relationships -- and don't even try. Their minds go immediately to what a person does sexually - and they personalize it, and don't even think - THINK that our relationships might (just might) be pretty damn normal, stable.......UH the same as heterosexual relationships. It's sad, but hey that is what one has to deal with in the same sex community - and you live with all sorts of things... Judgement, damnation, hate, loss of friendships..... and I merely happen to love a human. She just happens to be a woman. I'm sorry if this upsets you - but I in no means, shape nor form am asking anyone else to love her..... I said that I did.
I've digressed, I apologize. I've fallen in love. I've fallen in love with Heidi Hunt. A terrific, beautiful lady - that just dropped into my life. Nothing, absolutely - has been the same. My friends are sort of freaked, but okay as long as I'm happy --- and happy I am. We've not been apart with exception of perhaps a few mere hours, since we laid eyes on each other. That's a good thing.
Now I know that there are going to be those that will say - are you a christian? Yes, Virginia - I still love, adore, the Lord Jesus Christ. Some will take issue with this. I tell you it's about love. I love a human being. Not a sin. I still love the Lord God with all of my heart, mind, and soul. This will never change. If you think I'm deluded, keep it to yourself - my beliefs are my beliefs. I don't do religion - I do relationship and so does Heidi. I do not, and absolutely refuse to believe that God loves me any less because I love Heidi. That to me just does not make any kind of sense.
We are going to live life and see good days.............travel and enjoy God's creation. We both love Midland - and will continue to go. I hope and pray that we're embraced, because Lord knows my heart is in that church. I owe so much to the grace of God - and the freedom that I've gained, in heart - soul - and peace of mind. I don't have to be a little christian solder any longer....... Jesus paid it all. Letting Christ shine through me - being who I say that I am (in Christ) means the world to me.
We truly never know in this life from one moment to the next what life will bring. I say be strong and of good courage anyway and wait patiently. God knows the desires of your heart........ be of good cheer! Help folks along with way - and take no credit. Live your life from with that which sings from your heart. Life will be filled with gratitude and you won't even be able to stop it.... as if you'd want to. Life, soak it up. This isn't a dressed rehearsal. We got one shot at this deal, make it your own, and do it up good. I've finally found my companion that I've been searching for - well for what seems forever. That is about as close to a miracle as I've enjoyed in quite some time.
Heidi Hunt........................ I've met a lot of someone's ~ But I've never met someone like you.....
Love you to the moon and back..........G.
Life is about change, new possibilities, and opportunities. I'd been in the state of mind that I'd been in for quite some time - and then added school. That was okay -- hard sometimes but a risk, and an challenge that I needed. Then fate hit my life. It shook my foundation a bit, but also got me back face to face with another part of me too. People don't understand same sex relationships -- and don't even try. Their minds go immediately to what a person does sexually - and they personalize it, and don't even think - THINK that our relationships might (just might) be pretty damn normal, stable.......UH the same as heterosexual relationships. It's sad, but hey that is what one has to deal with in the same sex community - and you live with all sorts of things... Judgement, damnation, hate, loss of friendships..... and I merely happen to love a human. She just happens to be a woman. I'm sorry if this upsets you - but I in no means, shape nor form am asking anyone else to love her..... I said that I did.
I've digressed, I apologize. I've fallen in love. I've fallen in love with Heidi Hunt. A terrific, beautiful lady - that just dropped into my life. Nothing, absolutely - has been the same. My friends are sort of freaked, but okay as long as I'm happy --- and happy I am. We've not been apart with exception of perhaps a few mere hours, since we laid eyes on each other. That's a good thing.
Now I know that there are going to be those that will say - are you a christian? Yes, Virginia - I still love, adore, the Lord Jesus Christ. Some will take issue with this. I tell you it's about love. I love a human being. Not a sin. I still love the Lord God with all of my heart, mind, and soul. This will never change. If you think I'm deluded, keep it to yourself - my beliefs are my beliefs. I don't do religion - I do relationship and so does Heidi. I do not, and absolutely refuse to believe that God loves me any less because I love Heidi. That to me just does not make any kind of sense.
We are going to live life and see good days.............travel and enjoy God's creation. We both love Midland - and will continue to go. I hope and pray that we're embraced, because Lord knows my heart is in that church. I owe so much to the grace of God - and the freedom that I've gained, in heart - soul - and peace of mind. I don't have to be a little christian solder any longer....... Jesus paid it all. Letting Christ shine through me - being who I say that I am (in Christ) means the world to me.
We truly never know in this life from one moment to the next what life will bring. I say be strong and of good courage anyway and wait patiently. God knows the desires of your heart........ be of good cheer! Help folks along with way - and take no credit. Live your life from with that which sings from your heart. Life will be filled with gratitude and you won't even be able to stop it.... as if you'd want to. Life, soak it up. This isn't a dressed rehearsal. We got one shot at this deal, make it your own, and do it up good. I've finally found my companion that I've been searching for - well for what seems forever. That is about as close to a miracle as I've enjoyed in quite some time.
Heidi Hunt........................ I've met a lot of someone's ~ But I've never met someone like you.....
Love you to the moon and back..........G.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Pure Grace
There is so much that Jesus did for us, it is hard to know where to begin. It is difficult to speak of His great grace without acknowledging my own life. I will do the former, and blend in my own life as I go.
I worship at a grace church. We don't do sinners saved week after week. We don't do condemnation. We don't do anything but Jesus. There is radical difference between the two churches. We believe that confession is to tell God the truth. We believe in telling the truth. We don't however believe that we're sinners any longer. We believe that Jesus paid our sin debt once and for all, at Calvary.
We're (as a set of believers) often ridiculed for our belief system, because we don't believe that we're under the law of Moses any longer. We are under a new covenant. Jesus was the final Lamb. There are no more sacrifices. If there were, we'd still be under the old mosaic law. We are under grace. Just because we don't believe in the ten commandments, doesn't mean that we are free to break them, indeed, once you understand all that Christ did on the cross, why would one want to conduct themselves in such a manner? However, we are ridiculed.
We are a group of believers that focus our lives on our relationship with Christ, and His finished work on the cross. The more you understand what and who Christ was, He makes Himself manifest inside of you. It just happens the more you hear God's word.
Christ was born, lived, suffered, and died for us. While yet we are in sin, He loves us. We serve a God that loves us so much (we cannot really even comprehend) that He made Himself into human flesh that He might know our feelings, out pain, and our strife - so that He would know us. Our every living, breathing, moment. He was tortured for us. I think that is pretty amazing - it separates us from every other form of believers. We are NOT religious. Religion is for people who serve men, not God. Rules not love. Jesus is love. God is love. The only two commandments that Jesus gave us was 1). To love the Lord your God with all your heart, your mind, and your soul. 2). To love your neighbor as yourself. It's not exact but close as I know them. Both of these commandments have to do with love. The bible says that we are to love one another as Jesus loved. And Jesus loved us with everything that He had, His whole life was a mission of love. A life of sacrifice.
People in the old testament could not follow the law. All through the old testament they worshiped other Gods. They did despicable things, and God had to save them, thus the foreshadowing of Jesus - whom had been there from the beginning of time. We had to have a Savior, for from the moment that Eve ate the apple, (before actually) God knew we were going to have to have Christ.
I wish I could explain all that I've learned of grace -- and how it's so miraculously changed my life. The peace that I've found in the never ending rest that I've found in it's immeasurable life giving gift. The gift of Jesus. He's became the center of my universe, my breath, my life, my reason for living. I know that no matter what my circumstance, He is awaiting my arrival with answers I'd never dreamed. I don't have to fight with anything any longer, his grace and favor find me with out my having to do anything but love Him. I have nothing to do but praise Him, pray, and trust. As unsettling as this unstable world has become, I fear nothing. I know that God has my destiny. My every answer is in Jesus. He sits at the right hand of God, and He is my everything. My life is blessed. There are so many scriptures that I'd love to share, so much of my bible that is so tender to me. The words, like velvet. He's given me meaning and direction. He's given me purpose, and most of all, love.
I hope that you find grace in your lifetime. It's peace far surpasses anything that this world has to offer. It is a peace that stands outside space and time, and is in Christ alone. I honor it like I honor life. It is a gift. That was one of the things that Christ gave to his disciples. I know that I have reached this place in my life due to the road that I was supposed to travel. I'm humbled and in awe. I'm more grateful than words can describe. Life just makes sense. I'm in poverty but life makes sense. It's only for a season.
Grace and peace to you...
Ephesians 1:7 "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the richness of his grace."
Monday, December 16, 2013
Walking Wounded - take heed.
I've had the occasion as of late to brush up to other peoples pain. It made mine look like a sunshiny day. Pain so vast, that it had changed their character. It was so vast, that it gave me pause. It took my breath. The bowels of compassion in me opened like a deep wound. Unable to help this person, I felt inept. Powerless even. As I write now - I realize how this could lead someone to express themselves as one person, but the pain bring them to a much different reality. There is a vast difference between what we "want" to be than in what we are indeed capable. It lies in our unresolved pain.
Pain will make you hide. Pain will make you think you are ugly. It will make you think that everyone is out to get you. It will make you suspect everything that someone does for you - or to you. It doesn't always matter what kind of pain, but when it comes to relationships, that is where it is going to rear it's ugly head. There are things that are going to have to be worked out in relationships that will not be able to be worked out anywhere else. It is an every going disaster waiting to happen. It comes from the place of our need. It is very frightening to need someone, yet we all do.
The needs begin with food and shelter. Once those are met, then there are the belonging needs. The one's that have to do with love and acceptance. We all have need of belonging in this world and it's amazing what we will do and allow to get it. We'll sometimes allow abuse, emotional and physical - to get it. It's like food that we're starved for. Some of us are starved. I've been in this position several times in my life. This is what sets us up for the abuse - it takes us to the bursting point in order to get what we're dying for -- belonging.
As we meet each other we present ourselves as the best as we can be. We put our best feet forward in the presentation. We want others to think of us as we want to think of ourselves. It's rarely who we are in all actuality. It isn't as if were lying, it is who we wish we were. It is who we aspire to be. This is why there comes a point in the love affair where the novelty wears off and we're seen as we actually are - and the honey moon seems to stop - but hopefully the love endures. Sometimes it doesn't. If there is too much that has taken place or too much distance between what has been presented and the truth - it just cannot be repaired. This is why people need to take time in the beginning and get to know the other person. However, it's rarely done. We usually jump right in with both feet. I'm as guilty of it as the next person... It's that air of overwhelm when you meet someone that feels right after a bad string of wrongs. It's exciting, and breathtaking. And we love the whole kit and kabootle. It's a love affair after all, it isn't supposed to be logical. However, at some point, someone has to be logical. Especially if we run into a snag, and invariably we do.
This is usually the jumping off point for most folks, where the relationship ends. It's where the truth of the matter comes to light - we're not all that and we're really human's with flaws. He leaves the seat up on the toilette - the cap off the toothpaste, and the bathroom light on all at once. Plus, his towels, and whisker bits all over the bathroom sink. Everything that you once thought about his being "Mr. Wonderful" comes crushing to a halt. He's a tad insensitive as well - however you've grown quite fond of him, so what's a person to do? It isn't as if you're perfect either... He's noticed that you drool in your sleep and that you hog the bed. The list goes on...
These types of things are minor, trust me. The bigger stuff is yet to come. These things are minor milestones in the process. These are but the tiny truths we learn about each other - the more serious stuff like, now how a person deals with grief - now that's the big stuff. That is the stuff that makes or breaks a marriage. How he treats you when you loose someone very important to you, or when he looses someone important to him, will make or break the deal. A lot of it depends on past hurts.
It's all about exposure. Pulling of the covers of life. We begin to let this other person see who we are verses who we want others to know. It just sort of happens automatically. The guard comes down, as we live our lives together. We can't possibly hold up the perfect role any longer. It's just too much work. And it isn't as if we are doing it on purpose, it's all a part of the design of courtship. Of course we want people to think the best of us - that's just common sense. And of course it has to come out that we aren't all that and a box of chocolates. Hopefully we've strength of character and integrity - to withstand the reveal. This is wherein it lies - character to withstand the unveiling process. Some do, some don't. Some people are serial relationship people - they run from one to another -- but that's a whole different blog. We are talking about commitment here. We are talking about the art of compromise. For it is an art form. "I'll let you see who I really am - if you promise not to leave me in the process, and you also show me who you are." This is the deal. Acceptance. Letting go of expectations. This is how relationships blend into unconditional love.
A lot can happen in this process. If there is going to be abuse, neglect, avoidance, shame, guilt, any sort of unwillingness to share in the unrevealing of the truth - the relationship will not make it through the process. That is what I found as of late. When the reveal happened, I was so shocked at what was underneath, I could not handle the emotionality of it. I was literally in shock. Everything in my internalization told me it was dangerous to proceed. I've come to trust my inner knowing. Matter of fact, when we bristle up against such pain, I give anyone the permission to retreat from the situation at hand. This revealing process is very important - and we must trust our intuition.
My response was that I cried and was then resounded to abusively with "dry up those tears"... I should have told said person to leave my house at that very moment. I process slowly at times, and I have to work through information in the manner that I do - but I am getting better at it. I've since broken all ties with this individual. That one statement, crude as it was - and heartless, was enough for me. I'll not be abused, nor will my feelings be belittled again, by a man nor a woman. I've lived through enough. I've far surpassed this juncture.
I write for therapeutic purposes, and perhaps it will help someone else. Just know that there will come a time when you can't keep being all that you want the other person to believe that you are. It's just natural. Even on our best days, we are only as great as we can hope we are. It is much better to be true to yourself than to try to play the role of the perfect partner. It isn't realistic. He or she is going to discover the truth in the end anyway - and hopefully one does not have such monsters in their closets as I've found. I find people who need healing because I'm a healer - they're drawn to me. I did not come up with that myself, this is what's been explained. I draw the walking wounded. They come to me in search of healing. The problem with this is I'm not in the healing business - I'm looking for a soul mate not a mate full of wounds. There is a vast difference between what I have been called to do verses who I am and what I want out of life. Some how the two have gotten mixed up - and perhaps somehow here I'm responsible for this, I don't know. Alas, I digress.
The unveiling can be a beautiful thing. If he is hearty enough, he will love you for who and all that you are bump and bobbles an all. It will make him love you all the more. We learn to put the lid back on the toothpaste - and ask him to put down the lid of the toilette Those types of things are very simple. It's the big scary things that concern me. Those are the ones I seem to attract. I think I'll take a break from relationships for awhile and try and figure out what one can do to stop this.
You must ask yourself what is your drawing line - that place where you dare not tread. Knowing it in advance helps, it helps tremendously. For if one does not have it, you will invariably find yourself in it. People will push you to the edge - and watch you fall, and never offer a hand. I do not understand this, nor do I like it. This seems to be the manner of the universe. It isn't that there aren't good people out there, but there's just more wounded. Many of them don't even know their wounded. I have heart for these people, and this is perhaps how they end up in my life. I've in past, refused to see them as evil. I'm rethinking this. I'm thinking now that they do have an agenda. I don't like that this is what I'm finding, but alas, I'm afraid it's true. It's almost unsafe to be open, I'm finding this to be true more and more.
Wolves come in sheep's clothing. People will present themselves in their best interest. However there will be a defining moment. Trust your resources for that moment. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. I hope that in that defining moment what you see is honor, dignity and truth. If it is not, know that there is more of whatever you just witnessed to follow. More of what you just witnessed, only on a deeper more serious level. Most of all, if a man presents himself to be one thing and then acts in direct incongruence - walk away. This is just the beginning of his telling you lies. He's just lied with his behavior. He'll soon start lying with his words. When you feel shaky on the inside, listen to it. Something is wrong. Heed it's warning. It's only going to get worse. Stick around if you dare - but I can tell you from experience - you'll live to regret it. Wolves are predators - and they devour those that cross their path.
We are all walking wounded to a certain degree - don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that what's be broken cannot be healed. I'm an advocate of healing. The difference is in those that want to heal. The difference is in those that want to heal and those that want to hurt because they have been hurt so badly. It's a vast difference. A frightening malady. It's an ideal that has brought me to rethink my whole approach to life. I don't write this lightly. Protect yourself from those that present themselves as whole human beings yet are scared deeply. The scars will show - and you will know. Conduct yourselves accordingly.
Pain will make you hide. Pain will make you think you are ugly. It will make you think that everyone is out to get you. It will make you suspect everything that someone does for you - or to you. It doesn't always matter what kind of pain, but when it comes to relationships, that is where it is going to rear it's ugly head. There are things that are going to have to be worked out in relationships that will not be able to be worked out anywhere else. It is an every going disaster waiting to happen. It comes from the place of our need. It is very frightening to need someone, yet we all do.
The needs begin with food and shelter. Once those are met, then there are the belonging needs. The one's that have to do with love and acceptance. We all have need of belonging in this world and it's amazing what we will do and allow to get it. We'll sometimes allow abuse, emotional and physical - to get it. It's like food that we're starved for. Some of us are starved. I've been in this position several times in my life. This is what sets us up for the abuse - it takes us to the bursting point in order to get what we're dying for -- belonging.
As we meet each other we present ourselves as the best as we can be. We put our best feet forward in the presentation. We want others to think of us as we want to think of ourselves. It's rarely who we are in all actuality. It isn't as if were lying, it is who we wish we were. It is who we aspire to be. This is why there comes a point in the love affair where the novelty wears off and we're seen as we actually are - and the honey moon seems to stop - but hopefully the love endures. Sometimes it doesn't. If there is too much that has taken place or too much distance between what has been presented and the truth - it just cannot be repaired. This is why people need to take time in the beginning and get to know the other person. However, it's rarely done. We usually jump right in with both feet. I'm as guilty of it as the next person... It's that air of overwhelm when you meet someone that feels right after a bad string of wrongs. It's exciting, and breathtaking. And we love the whole kit and kabootle. It's a love affair after all, it isn't supposed to be logical. However, at some point, someone has to be logical. Especially if we run into a snag, and invariably we do.
This is usually the jumping off point for most folks, where the relationship ends. It's where the truth of the matter comes to light - we're not all that and we're really human's with flaws. He leaves the seat up on the toilette - the cap off the toothpaste, and the bathroom light on all at once. Plus, his towels, and whisker bits all over the bathroom sink. Everything that you once thought about his being "Mr. Wonderful" comes crushing to a halt. He's a tad insensitive as well - however you've grown quite fond of him, so what's a person to do? It isn't as if you're perfect either... He's noticed that you drool in your sleep and that you hog the bed. The list goes on...
These types of things are minor, trust me. The bigger stuff is yet to come. These things are minor milestones in the process. These are but the tiny truths we learn about each other - the more serious stuff like, now how a person deals with grief - now that's the big stuff. That is the stuff that makes or breaks a marriage. How he treats you when you loose someone very important to you, or when he looses someone important to him, will make or break the deal. A lot of it depends on past hurts.
It's all about exposure. Pulling of the covers of life. We begin to let this other person see who we are verses who we want others to know. It just sort of happens automatically. The guard comes down, as we live our lives together. We can't possibly hold up the perfect role any longer. It's just too much work. And it isn't as if we are doing it on purpose, it's all a part of the design of courtship. Of course we want people to think the best of us - that's just common sense. And of course it has to come out that we aren't all that and a box of chocolates. Hopefully we've strength of character and integrity - to withstand the reveal. This is wherein it lies - character to withstand the unveiling process. Some do, some don't. Some people are serial relationship people - they run from one to another -- but that's a whole different blog. We are talking about commitment here. We are talking about the art of compromise. For it is an art form. "I'll let you see who I really am - if you promise not to leave me in the process, and you also show me who you are." This is the deal. Acceptance. Letting go of expectations. This is how relationships blend into unconditional love.
A lot can happen in this process. If there is going to be abuse, neglect, avoidance, shame, guilt, any sort of unwillingness to share in the unrevealing of the truth - the relationship will not make it through the process. That is what I found as of late. When the reveal happened, I was so shocked at what was underneath, I could not handle the emotionality of it. I was literally in shock. Everything in my internalization told me it was dangerous to proceed. I've come to trust my inner knowing. Matter of fact, when we bristle up against such pain, I give anyone the permission to retreat from the situation at hand. This revealing process is very important - and we must trust our intuition.
My response was that I cried and was then resounded to abusively with "dry up those tears"... I should have told said person to leave my house at that very moment. I process slowly at times, and I have to work through information in the manner that I do - but I am getting better at it. I've since broken all ties with this individual. That one statement, crude as it was - and heartless, was enough for me. I'll not be abused, nor will my feelings be belittled again, by a man nor a woman. I've lived through enough. I've far surpassed this juncture.
I write for therapeutic purposes, and perhaps it will help someone else. Just know that there will come a time when you can't keep being all that you want the other person to believe that you are. It's just natural. Even on our best days, we are only as great as we can hope we are. It is much better to be true to yourself than to try to play the role of the perfect partner. It isn't realistic. He or she is going to discover the truth in the end anyway - and hopefully one does not have such monsters in their closets as I've found. I find people who need healing because I'm a healer - they're drawn to me. I did not come up with that myself, this is what's been explained. I draw the walking wounded. They come to me in search of healing. The problem with this is I'm not in the healing business - I'm looking for a soul mate not a mate full of wounds. There is a vast difference between what I have been called to do verses who I am and what I want out of life. Some how the two have gotten mixed up - and perhaps somehow here I'm responsible for this, I don't know. Alas, I digress.
The unveiling can be a beautiful thing. If he is hearty enough, he will love you for who and all that you are bump and bobbles an all. It will make him love you all the more. We learn to put the lid back on the toothpaste - and ask him to put down the lid of the toilette Those types of things are very simple. It's the big scary things that concern me. Those are the ones I seem to attract. I think I'll take a break from relationships for awhile and try and figure out what one can do to stop this.
You must ask yourself what is your drawing line - that place where you dare not tread. Knowing it in advance helps, it helps tremendously. For if one does not have it, you will invariably find yourself in it. People will push you to the edge - and watch you fall, and never offer a hand. I do not understand this, nor do I like it. This seems to be the manner of the universe. It isn't that there aren't good people out there, but there's just more wounded. Many of them don't even know their wounded. I have heart for these people, and this is perhaps how they end up in my life. I've in past, refused to see them as evil. I'm rethinking this. I'm thinking now that they do have an agenda. I don't like that this is what I'm finding, but alas, I'm afraid it's true. It's almost unsafe to be open, I'm finding this to be true more and more.
Wolves come in sheep's clothing. People will present themselves in their best interest. However there will be a defining moment. Trust your resources for that moment. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. I hope that in that defining moment what you see is honor, dignity and truth. If it is not, know that there is more of whatever you just witnessed to follow. More of what you just witnessed, only on a deeper more serious level. Most of all, if a man presents himself to be one thing and then acts in direct incongruence - walk away. This is just the beginning of his telling you lies. He's just lied with his behavior. He'll soon start lying with his words. When you feel shaky on the inside, listen to it. Something is wrong. Heed it's warning. It's only going to get worse. Stick around if you dare - but I can tell you from experience - you'll live to regret it. Wolves are predators - and they devour those that cross their path.
We are all walking wounded to a certain degree - don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that what's be broken cannot be healed. I'm an advocate of healing. The difference is in those that want to heal. The difference is in those that want to heal and those that want to hurt because they have been hurt so badly. It's a vast difference. A frightening malady. It's an ideal that has brought me to rethink my whole approach to life. I don't write this lightly. Protect yourself from those that present themselves as whole human beings yet are scared deeply. The scars will show - and you will know. Conduct yourselves accordingly.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Jesus
It's been a long time since I've written. I've been busy writing papers for school, which I never actually thought I'd return to. Alas, I have and although I struggle, I'm getting through. I'm finding that my mind just doesn't work the way that I'd like, and the way it did at thirty-something. My comprehension is down. Way down. I have to work much harder than I ever have at making the grades. I am very undisciplined. I suppose this should not be a shocker, but it upsets me quite a bit. In all actuality, when I think of it not much has changed - it's still the same old procrastination. I push myself up all the way to the edge with thing - I just finished an essay that's been assigned for at least two weeks. I tried to complete it prior, but it just wouldn't come. Sometimes I have problems like that - the information will not just flow. I guess it is the equivalent of writers block? Who knows.
I'm still single, and have not dated. I've asked God the reasons for my aloneness. I know that this is a healing time for me, and a time to trust the peace that I feel. It is time for me to be still and meditative with God. It's odd how even though we may know (or think that we know) the essence behind the substance - it isn't always palatable. I did have a revelation of understanding at church service today. Goodness, I adore my church. It is likened to a clean, fresh, crisp bubbling brook when one's extremely thirsty. One can approach it and drink, and drink living water. Water that satisfies the soul. There is nothing on earth that does that for me like God's word. It is refreshment like no other. Deep inside the yearnings of my heart and all that I long for, I can find solace in His word. I learned today that Jesus has an unanswered prayer and that the coming of the Father cannot take place until that prayer is answered. It makes perfect sense. So many people believe that there's going to be world wars, and an anti-christ. I think that is what they want. I at least believe that is what they want to believe. Of course that is what's being taught by many that don't seem to find deeper meaning behind the word that the scratching of the surface of it. It takes dedication and an open mind. Most have the dedication, but not the open mind. I just find it intently interesting how man has rearranged God's word to mean what they want it to mean - and take context to a level that isn't even recognizable. If I, a common lay-person can find meaning beyond some that profess to be leaders, honestly - it's frightening.
I actually know that in terms of God's wisdom, I don't know anything. He must show me things all the time. My dreams and my desires get in the way of my understanding. My simpleton mind is my own worst enemy. I don't need some demonic figure speaking in my ear or giving me an "evil heart' like I heard on the christian radio the other day -- to side track myself. I just don't see how anyone ever finds Jesus when He is behind the sledge hammer. Let's beat you to pieces with sin to show you how much Jesus loves you --- sort of an oxymoron wouldn't you say? The love of God doesn't require pain folks. Much to many people's dismay. One can follow Jesus, and live a beautiful life, leaving behind condemnation, shame and generational guilt. I don't have guilt anymore, nor do I feel condemned. Jesus bore all of that on the cross at Calvary. Why would I want to continue to bare it? He declared peace and love. He loved the unloveable. For someone that has lived the kind of life that I have ( a liar, a thief and a manipulator) - addiction, alcoholism and the like, this was the kind of answer that I'd been praying for my entire life. I thought I'd found it in A.A. however I kept having to relive my past over and over. In Jesus, I'm a new creation. I am no longer who I used to be. I have a new spirit, and a new body - if you will. Even if you won't ! As the song says, "I've been redeemed ." I'm not who I used to be any longer. Those that would scoff at grace - don't even begin to understand what it means. It's peace that surpasses all human comprehension. I had an anxiety disorder -- high blood pressure, I say had, because I don't anymore. I don't have an exemplary life. I have an average (from the outside anyway) - life basically in poverty. However, the depth of riches that I have internally cannot be communicated. From what I've been given in glory - supersedes the monetary. I thank God for my abundance!
There is nothing more precious to God than a compassionate heart. He gave me one. He gave me a gift that I get to share all my life. My christianity is centered in love, and a deeply embedded desire to extend myself to my fellow human beings. I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't have to be. God's love is so far from our understanding, and so vast that perfection is a silly state that we created. It isn't something that He placed upon us, we place it upon ourselves. The work is finished. Jesus did what no one else on earth could have ever done. He was our propitiation for sin. All things are lawful to me, but they are not me. Christ resides in my heart - it isn't as if I have to go to church to visit Him. My life is His home. What I feel, He feels. He feels our inequities. This is why God came to earth as a man, and that man was Jesus Christ.
If someone takes the time to read this and does not understand, leave a comment. I'll get an email. I'd love to answer you. I've merely written what is on my heart. God loves you immensely and you may not even be aware of it, or Him. Or you may be in a faith that is breaking your back week after week due to the sin consciousness. This is not what we became christians for. Christ was the final lamb of God. Hearing about sin, only makes us more aware of sin - the only thing that can change our lives is Jesus -- and knowing Him. He came to save the world, not make it feel horrible for being human. God made us human - and gave us a choice, what greater gift could we have been given? What greater honor is there to Him than to choose Him? Especially when one knows that from that choice, that decision is upon all foundation that lies our lives! It isn't trivial, immature, unpopular or limiting to choose Jesus as your savior. It is quite the opposite. As God illuminates the morning sky, He will so beautify your life. Where there was nothing, springs hope eternal. It is just simply beyond explanation the heights and the depths in which Jesus will transform your world. What do you have to do you ask? Believe. Believe that Jesus was the son of God, and that He came and saved the world. I say "saved" because while we were yet sinners, He loved us. You don't have to do anything to be saved. There isn't a "getting ready" process as many believe. You come as you are, and watch the transformation begin. Jesus came to bring increase to the world, not decrease. He wants you to prosper.
I don't know where all of this came from tonight other than feeling Jesus in my life. Church was amazing, as it usually is - the power of God welled up inside of me. I know I'm learning truth, for perhaps the first time in my life. The foundation of God's word has been set, the branches growing prepared to bear fruit. I know that there is a purpose for my life. It begins and ends with Jesus.
I'm still single, and have not dated. I've asked God the reasons for my aloneness. I know that this is a healing time for me, and a time to trust the peace that I feel. It is time for me to be still and meditative with God. It's odd how even though we may know (or think that we know) the essence behind the substance - it isn't always palatable. I did have a revelation of understanding at church service today. Goodness, I adore my church. It is likened to a clean, fresh, crisp bubbling brook when one's extremely thirsty. One can approach it and drink, and drink living water. Water that satisfies the soul. There is nothing on earth that does that for me like God's word. It is refreshment like no other. Deep inside the yearnings of my heart and all that I long for, I can find solace in His word. I learned today that Jesus has an unanswered prayer and that the coming of the Father cannot take place until that prayer is answered. It makes perfect sense. So many people believe that there's going to be world wars, and an anti-christ. I think that is what they want. I at least believe that is what they want to believe. Of course that is what's being taught by many that don't seem to find deeper meaning behind the word that the scratching of the surface of it. It takes dedication and an open mind. Most have the dedication, but not the open mind. I just find it intently interesting how man has rearranged God's word to mean what they want it to mean - and take context to a level that isn't even recognizable. If I, a common lay-person can find meaning beyond some that profess to be leaders, honestly - it's frightening.
I actually know that in terms of God's wisdom, I don't know anything. He must show me things all the time. My dreams and my desires get in the way of my understanding. My simpleton mind is my own worst enemy. I don't need some demonic figure speaking in my ear or giving me an "evil heart' like I heard on the christian radio the other day -- to side track myself. I just don't see how anyone ever finds Jesus when He is behind the sledge hammer. Let's beat you to pieces with sin to show you how much Jesus loves you --- sort of an oxymoron wouldn't you say? The love of God doesn't require pain folks. Much to many people's dismay. One can follow Jesus, and live a beautiful life, leaving behind condemnation, shame and generational guilt. I don't have guilt anymore, nor do I feel condemned. Jesus bore all of that on the cross at Calvary. Why would I want to continue to bare it? He declared peace and love. He loved the unloveable. For someone that has lived the kind of life that I have ( a liar, a thief and a manipulator) - addiction, alcoholism and the like, this was the kind of answer that I'd been praying for my entire life. I thought I'd found it in A.A. however I kept having to relive my past over and over. In Jesus, I'm a new creation. I am no longer who I used to be. I have a new spirit, and a new body - if you will. Even if you won't ! As the song says, "I've been redeemed ." I'm not who I used to be any longer. Those that would scoff at grace - don't even begin to understand what it means. It's peace that surpasses all human comprehension. I had an anxiety disorder -- high blood pressure, I say had, because I don't anymore. I don't have an exemplary life. I have an average (from the outside anyway) - life basically in poverty. However, the depth of riches that I have internally cannot be communicated. From what I've been given in glory - supersedes the monetary. I thank God for my abundance!
There is nothing more precious to God than a compassionate heart. He gave me one. He gave me a gift that I get to share all my life. My christianity is centered in love, and a deeply embedded desire to extend myself to my fellow human beings. I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't have to be. God's love is so far from our understanding, and so vast that perfection is a silly state that we created. It isn't something that He placed upon us, we place it upon ourselves. The work is finished. Jesus did what no one else on earth could have ever done. He was our propitiation for sin. All things are lawful to me, but they are not me. Christ resides in my heart - it isn't as if I have to go to church to visit Him. My life is His home. What I feel, He feels. He feels our inequities. This is why God came to earth as a man, and that man was Jesus Christ.
If someone takes the time to read this and does not understand, leave a comment. I'll get an email. I'd love to answer you. I've merely written what is on my heart. God loves you immensely and you may not even be aware of it, or Him. Or you may be in a faith that is breaking your back week after week due to the sin consciousness. This is not what we became christians for. Christ was the final lamb of God. Hearing about sin, only makes us more aware of sin - the only thing that can change our lives is Jesus -- and knowing Him. He came to save the world, not make it feel horrible for being human. God made us human - and gave us a choice, what greater gift could we have been given? What greater honor is there to Him than to choose Him? Especially when one knows that from that choice, that decision is upon all foundation that lies our lives! It isn't trivial, immature, unpopular or limiting to choose Jesus as your savior. It is quite the opposite. As God illuminates the morning sky, He will so beautify your life. Where there was nothing, springs hope eternal. It is just simply beyond explanation the heights and the depths in which Jesus will transform your world. What do you have to do you ask? Believe. Believe that Jesus was the son of God, and that He came and saved the world. I say "saved" because while we were yet sinners, He loved us. You don't have to do anything to be saved. There isn't a "getting ready" process as many believe. You come as you are, and watch the transformation begin. Jesus came to bring increase to the world, not decrease. He wants you to prosper.
I don't know where all of this came from tonight other than feeling Jesus in my life. Church was amazing, as it usually is - the power of God welled up inside of me. I know I'm learning truth, for perhaps the first time in my life. The foundation of God's word has been set, the branches growing prepared to bear fruit. I know that there is a purpose for my life. It begins and ends with Jesus.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Chemicals no longer needed.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. I'm going on day three... of little sleep, I'm in a transition with my depression medications....
-
I've loved someone for 16 years. I wonder if it will ever go away. All I have to do is hear a song. The pain floods back, the ache...
-
I agree with this wholeheartedly. I'm going on day three... of little sleep, I'm in a transition with my depression medications.... -
I don't know of a time in my life truly that's been more difficult. What I mean by that - is the multitude of issues I have needing ...