Power

http://www.astro.com/cgi/atxgen.cgi?btyp=cf  This link is to a color test that will give you an emotional and psychological assessment.  It was spot on for me.  Give it a shot!  It was very detailed  and quite interesting.   

Power.  It's an interesting concept.  It can spring from all kinds of sources.  I guess I don't feel like I've had much in my life ~ awe, at one time I suppose.  I've had to, being a person that has chronic pain, fibromyalgia  assorted oddities, addiction, childhood trauma, I suppose one could say my life has been mostly about recognizing my powerlessness verses finding power in my life.  Not to come off as some weak, sniffling, victim - because I'm far, far- from that.  I suppose what I'm attempting to communicate is that I've never been a person that's been power hungry.  I do know that type.  I've just been one to be mindful of the soul.  I'm a heart person.  I'm a spirit and a hope junkie.  My life has been about getting back up -- dusting myself off and starting over, as many times as that takes.  

It's hard to find a sense of  power in depression.  Finding your sense of self is hard.  It's in there, but buried deep in the masses.  It's actually so complex it's impossible to simply express.  The ebb and flow of the healing path is one peppered with good choices, and some behaviors that seemed like a good idea ...at the time.  This is my greatest challenge.  Instant gratification.  It's been a problem of mine for a long time.  I know when I'm doing it, before I'm going to -- and while I'm in it -- but I don't change it.  It's one of the stickier ones, that I have difficulty changing.  I guess I like it - and this always is hard to change behaviors, even if they're consequences.  I'm broke all the time.  It's my own fault. To a degree.  I'm a "stuff" junkie -- self confessed.  I love makeup.  LOVE IT.  It makes me feel good.  So I order it, or get it locally - or "virtually" shop for it.  LOL.....  I salivate over it!!!!  I just buy some and I want more!!!  It's ridiculous.  It could certainly be worse.   

I suppose we all have things that make us happy.  I don't have people or  people nearby, so I shop when I can.  It fills a big void.  I have made some really crazy choices though.  I suppose difficult times bring about abhorrent repercussions.  I'm my own worst critic. 

I don't like the word "try".  I've didn't allow my clients (when I was counseling) to use the word.  It's like "trying" to pick up a pencil, you either pick it up or you don't.  It's a lot like Yoda -- "Do- there is no try".  I believe in that little dude.  

I am trying to heal.  The best way I know how. Honestly it's a challenge each and everyday.  Maybe I've softened since those days - and yes I need to exercise self-control, but I'm not getting high.  I don't think a new  eyeshadow pallet is going to really hurt me.  It sure does make me happy though.  In all reality with as much as I have to deal with, it's not a bad vice.  I'm not hurting anyone - just my finances.  Everything needs to be about balance -- that is what I want.  I pray for this -- a steady balance of  everything, God, self, people, life, money --- if it would just line up.  I wish money didn't control everything.  It makes me sad.  

On the other hand, my job is going better - and I'm getting more hours, which means that I get to see people and interact more.  This is always a good thing.  Still waiting on that Knight (horse optional).  I've prayed and I know he is out there.  I know, that  I know, that I know.  God answers prayer.  I am not meant to be this alone.  

Things are turning around.  I feel it.  Good things are happening.  God is answering my prayers, I just can't see it all yet.  I thank Him in advance for all that He is doing, and has done!  

Thank those of you that are taking this journey with me..... 

Grace and Peace to you all,

Gina

I miss friends

It's hard for me to admit when I struggle.  I'm not sure why.  Everyone struggles.

For me it is loneliness.  It is nearly impossible to make friends nowadays.  People are so distanced by phones, iPads, whatever the latest device.  It's like a coat of armor.  People carry them around like an impenetrable shield that protects them from real life.  At least this is how I see it and how it feels trying to get close to someone.  I've had the opportunity in the last few months to get somewhat close to a few people to only be disappointed once again.  I think these devices are mostly to blame.  They give us a false sense of security.  I mean it's a damn machine.... for crying out loud.

I feel much like a person so alone in this world, that I must be the only one.  Yet I know that this cannot be true.  I know that if I'm going through this, there must be others.  It's just how life works.  I see other people with all these people, family, and friends in their lives -- and I'm so taken by it.  I want to scream at them to not take it for granted -- because so many people do.  Few folks truly comprehend what it is like to spend endless hours alone, wishing, waiting, desiring accompaniment.  I only wish I knew what to do?  I've even thought of going to bars -- if I thought that would help -- but I KNOW that isn't an answer for me.  That would only make my life worse than it is... but it feels pretty bad right now.  Oh I'm not depressed, I'm oppressed.  For what reason, I have no clue.  It just seems to get worse and worse.  I pray and cry -- and nothing changes.  I've befriended people and given my all -- only to find that when I need a friend, they don't know how to be one.  This is a sad fact of this world.

I even understand this form of shallowness.  I can accept it and move on -- but move on to what?  Move on to where?  Further depths of sorrow and depression?  Feeling increasingly more and more hopeless?  I hate even writing these thoughts much less having them.  I am a very hopeful person.  I dispensed hope for a living.... but yet -- here I am with little of nothing and almost no one in my life.  The kicker is I don't know why?  People tell me I'm an inspiration.  People tell me that I'm the person that can help others change their lives -- but I cannot heal my own?  I cannot make people want to be in my life!  Are people so leery now that they won't even give someone a chance at friendship?  I'd had plans with one person from work -- after work and then I just totally got blow off - and for some reason unbeknown to me, I didn't even deserve a call back?  Are people that rude?  I guess they are.  People have no intentions upon letting anyone into their inner circle.  This is how shut down the world has become because of technology.  This is why someone can lie bleeding on the sidewalk and people step over them with no thought of helping.  We're walking dead.  I'm of a mind that technology is to blame.  It's the one thing that's between us.  I don't know too many real people that exist anymore.  Oh there's plenty that act "as if"... but they're not real either.  It makes me sick inside.

I wonder what this does to God.  If I'm affected emotionally and impacted negatively by this -- I wonder how He feels?  I talked to a guy yesterday that said he didn't believe in anything.  How sad.  No faith -- things just are.  Wow.  I'd been dead a long time ago.  Seriously.

As I fight this depression and anxiety -- and I do it with just God and I - it's very difficult.  I have one friend.  Oh I have professionals.  That isn't the same.  They're paid to talk to me.  It isn't as if they don't care, they do but you understand.  They're compassion can only go so far.  All of this is affecting my confidence, my self- esteem, my hope for living.  How could it not?  These are basic needs.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere.  This is a destitute feeling.  I have very distant family - and one friend.  I'm strong - but not that strong.

So those of you that read my blog -- I ask for your prayers.  Sincerely.  This has been going on for a long time.  Usually I can handle it --- but I'm growing weary.  Between the pain (physical and emotional) the depression, the anxiety and the sense of separation that I feel from the world  --  it's beginning to feel like I'm separated from God too.  Just void.  Empty.  The hope junky has giving away all she's got.  I know how sad that sounds, and please don't mistake it for self-pity.  Pity it is not, it is just reality.  We were not created to be alone like this.  We all need a sense of community.  It just baffles my mind how I am and the degree in which I'd go to help my fellow human --- and what I really get in return.  Baffles me.  Not that I expect people to be like me - because I do not - I'm smarter that that.  I do "hope" for people to be however, human.  To have drives, desires, needs, and wants just like me.  Maybe the world has changed so much that this just ins't true anymore.  Maybe I'm the odd one out.  To be brutally honest:  I just don't know anymore.

I am not alone.

I'm struggling still.  It is difficult too because it makes the pain that I have harder to manage -- and my anxiety has been through the roof.  As I attempt to learn and function at this new job, it feels impossible some days.  I vacillate between feeling like I'm going to get fired one day - to "maybe I got this", the next.  I'm just damned unstable at this particular time in my life -- and I abhor it.  The effects of the depression make everything harder --- EVERYTHING.  I'd just as soon give up - but it's just not in me.  Besides the fact that I'm no quitter.  I mean we don't really have that option, now do we?  I've never seen it listed!
   
                                                              1.  Keep going
                                                              2.  Give up

Thank God I haven't lost (completely) my sense of humor.....


I have many that wonder (or will) where my faith is at a time like this.  All I know to say is, I don't know.  When you can't feel anything, and you grapple for every little morsel of stimulus from life - all the while feeling much akin to a dead stump... it's kind of difficult to access your faith.  I know in my head that God is still there.  I even know in my heart as much -- and I have brief moments when I can emotionally grasp something  close.  However there's the void.  The void that I'm living in.  Trust me - I full well know that faith isn't about feelings.  Albeit -- depression wipes everything out.  Alas, I'm sure that this is exactly how satan likes it.  For I know that my current mental state is and does lie to me.  What I mean by that is that is it tells me things about myself that aren't true.  Awful things.  It's a horrible illness.

I will forge on.  I have some things on the horizon.  I know that God is with me, ever step of the way. I also know that there are people with a whole lot worse problems than I have and that this is temporary.  A large part of what is going on with me is about not having many humans in my life.  I've prayed for this to change.  I believe in prayer -- and I believe that this will change.  Isn't that faith?

My pastor once told me that the Word was inside me.  I have awful problems with memory.  I cannot recall scripture like most people.  I can remember it when someone starts to recite it - but as far as knowing it by heart - I don't.  It isn't because I haven't read it. I have.  I know that He has a plan for a future for me and that it is good.  I just have to believe this.

I guess I've just lost my purpose.  This goes back to loosing my ability to counsel.  I know that this is the gift that I was given by God.  It was/is what I excel at.  It is where I feel I'm the most useful.  It is simply what I do best and what I love.  Helping others makes me feel alive.  It is my purpose in life.  I have to find a way to utilize my gifts in my present life and I will because.... Jesus knows my every need.  He hears my every prayer -- even when I cannot pray.  And I know that I am not alone.....




Amen.

Trials of this Life

I've been in a deep depression.  There's multiple factors - changing some medication and life events - the loss of my pastor and the month of May itself.  I don't attribute depressions ebb and flow to events, it is a condition one has alas, events can certainly affect it.  This has been the longest time that I've been unable to write.  I'm still not 100% however I feel the need to express myself.

Today is my Father's birthday.  He would have been 80.  I miss that man with every fiber of my being.  Having been his caregiver for eight years, we grew to be the strongest of confidants.  That period of time in my life is today, one of the most precious.  I treasure it like few know.  It afforded us time and opportunity to do and express everything that a father and daughter ever dream.  This time was also difficult for when I lost him, I lost a part of myself.  I never felt so vulnerable in the world for so long as I did when I lost my Dad.  It has taken me years to overcome this loss -- and trust me, time has had nothing to do with it --it's taken an active participation in my own grief.  I can honestly say that today - I have lived through having had my heart broken in two.  Just split, busted open.  There were plenty of days when I just could not function in the beginning -- the grief so intense.  Never, ever belittle anyone's grieving process by thinking you have a clue what they are going through, because you do not.  Each and everyone of us had a unique experience with our loved ones -- and our grief is the same.  The journey through healing is a personal journey.  Alway honor that.  Each and everyone of us experience it differently - because our hearts are broken in different ways.  That is what grief is, adjusting to life without that persons presence - and a broken heart.  We always wish we'd said more and did more.  So don't wait for tomorrow, or some day -- do what your heart speaks for you to do now, and you'll have no regret.  You'll have no "if only's".

I'm trying to emerge out of a space in which my heart has felt numb.  I've been void of feelings.  Basically dead inside.  If you know my blog that is major for me.  I've lost touch with Father God, and life itself.  Nothing has mattered.  I've simply been going through what "motions" I could bring myself to.  That has been no easy feat.  When you feel dead inside, life feels like a chore.  Sleeping is really all that one wants to do, for it is relief.  Relief from the ever knowing that your  insides aren't right.  For the days when life feels like nails on a chalkboard.  When everything is excruciatingly painful... but you can't even feel that pain all you feel is heavy.  Weighted.  Drowning. Barely breathing.  Hopeless.  Like your mind is collapsing in upon itself.  These are the days of clinical depression.

Many people don't understand this.  This is why I write.  I'm getting better gradually else I would not be able to write at all.  I actually was able to pray today.  I'm beginning to decipher some things.  I will choose to grow from this, because that is who I am.  I'll peel back the layers and see what's underneath.

God hasn't gone anywhere -- It is the absence of feeling that makes it seem or perceive that there is separation.  Pain makes us feel separate.  We do this.  God is always there.  My hope is returning.  Sometimes blessing come through painful times - and this has been such a time.  I know on the other side of this "nothingness" is pain.  It is probably what drove me so deep into despair.  I do not know, but I do know that my Jesus will see me through, He aways has, and He always will.  Even in the depths, I know this.  I understand that although things feel as if they aren't progressing, or changing, they still are.  Life does not stand still. not for anyone.  I'm comforted by one of my favorite scriptures:

Corinthians 4:16-18 (NKJV)
"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Even though our outward man is perishing, yet our inward man is being renewed day by day.  For our light affliction which is but for a moment, is working exceeding and eternal weight in glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things that are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."


Praise God.

Dying light of the ego unveiling the presence of God.

I met Jesus again today.  I meet Him quite often these days.  It is a glorious, inexplicable encounter --- first brought on by deep feelings of separation and loneliness.  I actually had the thought today - 'who does God have to talk to?'

I ponder lots of things as I spend hours in my own mind.  I battle with this thought and that --- fighting off the ones that are negative and don't serve me.  I'm going through another preening process amidst some other changes, and man do I ever feel it.  Lots of tears today.  Tears are so healing.  The Holy Spirit revealed much to me this morning, as I made the gamut.

I began in that desolate place, that empty place that is so familiar ... where there is no one.  There is no one out there who knows what I go through, what I feel, how I ache, to be known.  A dark vast place that always comes up empty.  However today -  TODAY - I realized I don't belong in this place.  I never did.  It was the voices, that voice, my voice that put me there in the first place.  My ego is what wants me there.  My nasty, nasty, separatist ego.  The one that loves for me to FEEL all alone and blame people for it.  To blame people for everything.  For me, it IS the separation of  self and Christ.  I no longer want to dwell there.  Albeit --- recognition is the foreknowledge of change.

Jesus is the only One that truly knows me.  He knows me every breath.  Every emotional influx.  Every hair on my head.  How, how could I ever be alone?  I cannot.  I had that realization today.  I've had it before but not on this scale.  I did not realize that I was battling with my ego so much.  What a stubborn lot.  Wow.

I don't like that feeling that I have.  It's destitute, and alone.  I have to push myself to stop feeling those feelings.  I have exceeding great promises!!!  I just got a new job on favor alone, no reference checks, no grueling interview -- it was all Jesus, why am I groveling?  Because I'm in a tempered place.  I have few people in my life.  Things are changing.  The ego grapples for control.  It can't have control of me.  It just can't.  I won't allow it to ease Jesus out of my life.  This is just a fact.

As I begin this new chapter in my life, I wrestle with the newness.  It is the cold night just before the dawn.  Everything looks hopeless - but I know, I know, I know who holds my future.  And even despite looking like a stark raving maniac -- I write because someone may understand.  Someone may understand what it's like to have their ego attempt to choke out the presence of the Living God.

I AM NOT ALONE.  It has little to do with how I "feel", for we walk by faith- not sight.  It is not how it seems.  I must trust.  I know who holds all my tomorrows. I know who holds today.  I will rejoice.  Jesus knows. The pain of yesterday sometimes hinders me.  I believe it is the fuel of my ego.  This is what makes the tears so precious.  As these tears fall, so does the pain associated with them...  He replaces it with abounding joy.  Rejoice I say!  REJOICE!!!!  As much as my mother may have tried to have hindered if not destroy my spirit, the Lord strengthens me - I will walk it out.  Armed with my sword.  He'll repay me double for my trouble.  The favor of God is with me -- ahead of me making a way when there was none.

He is my refuge.  My everything.
Thank You Jesus for revealing to me today the loveliness of Jesus.  Thank You Jesus for dispelling my ego.  Thank You for the tears of healing.  I know you caught them all.  In Jesus name...Amen.

Boundless Hope

I watched a moving last night that has struck me so hard.  It is as if I can't move past the feeling that has resonated.  Nor do I want to.  It is an excellent feeling that I have - one of beauty and awe.  I have not felt like this I don't believe ever after watching a film.  I am deeply moved.  

I realize it was a motion picture.  Yet I cannot move past it.  It's shaken me that hard.  The movie is 'Seven Pounds', with Will Smith.  Smith is a man that seems to be fairly normal, an internal revenue man -- a daunting task by any means necessary.  He tracks down people that are behind (seriously) on there taxes.  At least this is what it seems. I'll not spoil it for you....  

What I am actually struck by is what this has driven up in my spirit.  It's awakened something inside my spirit man.  I've awakened to a urgency for what I don't know.  All I know is that I feel incredibly grateful for my life.  All of my experiences that have brought me to where I am at this given moment in time.  I've felt at times like 'I should be at a different place at 52'.  However, right at this very moment, it is like finding a penny on the ground and knowing that this penny is a penny from Heaven - placed there for you to find like a coordinate in time.  A destination marker deeming you are where you are because this is where you are supposed to be.  

I've always wanted to be the kind of person that made a difference in people's lives.  Always.  No matter how small.  This is why I write.  I write for therapeutic purposes, yes, but I write to dispense hope.  This is my calling.  Hope dispersion.  This is what God called me to do in one form or another.  It is the only way that I can do this at this present moment.  So this is my outlet.  My voice, if you will.  This will be my legacy.  It cannot be erased like my Father was.  This is under my control.  I am the administrator.  These are my words, my feelings, my thoughts.  

Nevertheless, I exsude hope.  I have for years, but this morning -- the precious morn, I am filled with precious, inexplicable, bountiful hope.   My spirit is renewed.  Life feels new.  

I do not have time to write this morning but I will.  It's church day.  I need to let this simmer.  I need to let this combine with the Holy Spirit inside of me.  

God has great plans for you - Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  (NKJV)

Father God, thank you for you excellence!  Thank you for you insight!   Your beauty is boundless!  Altruism is not dead.  It is alive in me, your daughter.  Thank you for showing me your beauty again Father God.  Thank you for showing me the deep things of the heart.  Your compassion is so elegant, your heart is beyond comprehension.  Thank you Father for this tiny vision of who I know that You are.  I am humbled.  You've set me free.  Continue to work in my spirit as only You can.  Amen.  

Thank you Mr. Smith for making this film.  You've touched me, deeply.  

Through It All

Lots of idle time give one loads to think about.  I've battled a lot.  More than most (and I mean MOST).  Many tell me to write my story, but alas, I wouldn't even know where to begin.  I don't even remember my childhood.  I have huge gaps of time that I can't recall.

Pain has no memory.  Praise God.  Can you imagine what that would be like if it did?  We'd have horrific memories of such painful times.  I would, anyway.

My addiction has taken me down many roads.  I had many, many regrets.  Before I completely understood the Finished work of Jesus, I was full of shame and anguish over some of the places that my life had taken me in my use.  Now that isn't to say that I was a horrible person, because I was not - but for me, it was excruciatingly painful what I'd done to my family - my friends and the people that love me.  An then there is myself.  The times that I'd gone against my own values and honor.  I'm a very altruistic person, and a person of integrity - I don't hurt people nor do dishonorable things without it hurting me much worse than those that I've offended.  I've a very tender, intense heart.  Often times I wish I did not - but other times I'm grateful for it.  It makes me quite compassionate and very intuitive.  Every characteristic we have of our personalities has an alternative opposing side to it.  Or at least this is how I see it.  I've worked on myself and defined my character defects and came to learn that on the other side is an effective positive trait that can be brought out if one applies themselves.  It's sort of like what you feed.  Alas, I've digressed tremendously...

Struggles as of late. I've had to downgrade several of my much beloved things.  However, they're just things.  Most of you know how I feel about "things".  They don't make us.  So it wasn't so hard.  What is hard is this job search.  Having to put yourself out there -- and deduce yourself to a sheet of paper, now this is hard.  Idle time, is hard.  It's just me and Jesus.  That's easy --- but my past bubbles up.  My fears, my phobia's - and the like.  Knowing that I have to go into another work place and 'start - over'.  We all have the same kind of thoughts.  CAN I DO THIS?

I found this song by accident -- but you know me.  Not much happens in my world by accident.  I was getting ready and listening to music - and was praying.  I'd been praying to know the deep things of God.  I want to know God's heart.  This is my greatest desire.  I read twice today "seek His face".... which I thought was pretty cool.  An then this song came on.  Tears streamed down my face...

I have known that God has always had me, but this song verified it.  Memories came flooding back, of times that I'd rather not recall actually when I was out of control with my use.  Times that I know without a doubt that God had me in the palm of His hand.  Losses that I've endured that nearly broke me - and God saw me through.  God held me through.  Times I've actually prayed for Jesus to hold me.  Times I've hugged my dog because there was no one else.  Times that some people never see because they have just not been there.  Through surgeries and incidents when recovering, I was all alone.  I've been alone, most of my life -with the exception of God.  I would not be here today if it weren't for God.  I know this to be true.  Times I've prayed for God to catch my tears.  I know that He has too.  I'm "that" girl.

So whatever you're going through, right now.  Know, and I mean know that there is  a  God and He cares for you.  If He could have cared for me, He can care for you.  Trust me, I wasn't a likely candidate at the time.  Yet He was with me, the whole time, through the entire journey.  I'm living, breathing, professing, proof.  My testimony says it all.  But of the grace of God - there go I.

Father god, Thank You for saving me when I did not deserve to be saved.  Thank You for loving me when I did not deserve to be loved.  Thank you for saving my life when I did not respect it.  But Father most of all... for Your Son, Jesus who gave His life that we may have life, and have it more abundantly - here on earth.  Thank You for Your sacrifice - and your covenant of grace - and your mercy that never ends.  Thank you Father God for loving me, most of all, when I did not love myself.   In Jesus holy name, Amen.