The Pain of Becoming.

It seems like that no matter what age I reach I continue to run head on in to these precipices.  I cross these paths where I have to move forward yet I'm not quite sure how.  Some days I curse the fact that I'm such a deep dweller and the things that propel my mind.  What I'd give sometimes just to be able to shut it off, unplug, and take a respite from it.  Yet I cannot, or at least do not know how.  I suppose I really wouldn't have it another way in truth.  It is very taxing.  If only my head and my heart could converge.  Perhaps then my behavior would be in congruence.

I had my yearly evaluation yesterday and it's had me in a tailspin every since.  I've been up for hours after only sleeping a few.  The man that did the eval was very good and hit on some very valid points, things that I'd not considered -- but true of my life.  It boggles my mind that strangers can see things that we cannot even when we're willing.

I've written of my distant, conflicted relationship with my mother.  I've not ever really delved into it fully because I get quite the feedback when I am totally honest in what my experience was growing up with her.  Society has some hardcore beliefs about mothers, and my life example doesn't fit, at ALL.  So if your the least bit touchy about mothers, nows your chance to opt out because it's going to get difficult in this particular blog.

My mom is narcissistic.  All that has ever mattered to her is what she wanted, needed and was going to get.  This is how I grew up.  I was not wanted as a child, I was told at a very young age that I was a mistake.  I was even told "how I was conceived."  I intrinsically knew that my mother did not love me.  Don't ask me how I knew, I just did.  She was very jealous of me with my father, and would use my relationship with him to get what she wanted.  She began doing this at an early age -- and the she'd blame me for being able to do it.  She's tell me to go and tell my dad that I wanted something that she wanted, and when dad would do it, she'd kick me in the teeth for getting what she wanted done, done.  This went on from dinners out to buying houses to cars.  I couldn't win.  One can imagine what this did to me.  All I wanted was for my mom to love and accept me, which I never got - and never have had a real relationship with her.  I've just had to grieve it.  It wasn't until I was her 24 hour caregiver that I had my feelings validated when she admitted that she hated me when I was little.  I'd sensed it, and I had been right.

One can only imagine what circumstances like this does to a small child.  Of course I thought it was all my fault.  That's just what kids do.  I internalized it all.  I was defective.  I was incapable of seeing her flaws, all I could do was feel the rejection and abandonment and it had to be me.  I know that this is why my addiction took off like gangbusters at such an early age.  I was ripe for it, I had gunshot wounds all over me.

Now that was a long time ago  - but even after many, many, years of therapy some aspects of those dynamics still plague me.  I become too dependent upon people because I do not trust myself.  I am still healing.  When I lost my dad in 2010 and all hell broke loose,  I almost lost it.  Dad was the one person in my life that I knew loved me unequivocally and without condition.  Mother was very conditional.  That to me isn't love.  It's control.

What I said about my mom is only part of what it was like, there is much more but for sakes of privacy, I won't go into it all but just know I was one perpetually conflicted young lady.  I was in no size, shape, nor form ever taught how to be my own best friend.  I still am not good at that.  I can scorn the crap out of myself but not know how to be gentle with myself.  I did not mirror it.  That's what parents do and that's how we learn.  I did not get that.

Do you know what it's like trying to cling to someone that really can't stand you?  It's horrible.  It's excruciating.  That is what the relationship with my mother felt like.  I was pushed away, over and over, and over, again.  Children don't understand this.  They just keep trying.  Shoot adults don't understand sometimes.  Especially when it's a basic need.  So what do we do?  We TRY HARDER!!  We hurt ourselves in the process.  Sometimes very deeply.  I know today that I have hundreds of scars from that relationship.

I'm still healing.  I always will be.  The very sad part of this is that I meet (in relationships) people just like my mother.  People that reject me, that tell me in one way or anther that I don't matter - and that are narcissistic (most of the time).  I really despise this.  We are attracted to what is familiar..... unfortunately.

Yesterday brought up some old issues of my dependency on people for strength.  I need to find the courage and confidence inside myself first and foremost.  The problem being, I'm not sure how to do this.  Oh I know how to get by - but not how to excel even when things are tough.  I don't know that I have a strong inner core without a safety net.  God has always been with me, but I haven't always trusted Him either.  I'm ashamed to say that.  Hence, it is the truth.  There's always that thought in the back of my head --- perhaps He'll fail me too.  I know that this is awful but with my history - I always wait for the other shoe to fall.

My debacle is what do I do with this information?  It has my guts torn up, and my head spinning.  I've  known all of this, but after yesterdays eval and the information that I gleaned it's all fresh again.  I feel like I'm right back at square one.  I know that I'm not but it sure feels like it.

I'd taken a vow sometime back that my mom wasn't going to rule my life any longer.  I wish it were that easy because this thing is multilayered.  I've come a long way at healing many of the parts that she damaged - but it would seem that I'm down to the core of this issue.  When I can't figure something out I get frightened, plain and simple ; fear evokes anger in me.  I suppose it's a powerlessness of sorts, and I'll be damned if I'm going to have another area in my life where I'm powerless.  I'm just not.

The bible tells me that I'm not of this world.  It tells me that I have an heavenly Father now and a new family, the family of God.  I loose sight of my faith when I get into this stuff.  I think that I have to work all of this our on my own, and the truth is that I just don't.  God will direct my paths.  I am responsible for my effort, and my attitude towards the healing and change.  However Jesus is the ultimate authority of it all.  I don't know why I went through what I did in my family.  I suppose in the long and short of it, it doesn't matter.  All that matters is that I have the faith to make it through this, and to learn to be good to myself.  Yes it was awful and I've only written a small portion of what it was like.  Emotional blackmail is never productive on either party.  Children are not to be used as pawns in relationships - EVER.  This has been an issue that has haunted me through out my life.  However I know that God can and has been healing me.

I don't hate my mom.  I never really have, what would that solve?  WE only can do what we know how to do.  Somewhere in there she was only doing what she knew how to do..... or she was responding to a truth that she believed.  Somehow she felt that my father cared more for me that he did her.  She acted accordingly.... it doesn't make the things that she did right, it will never make them right.  Yet, I have to look beyond the symptoms of the person to the spirit.  She wasn't all bad.  She had tons of insecurities.  That is what fueled her.  I have them, and I know how I respond when I'm under that pressure.  She's tried every religion in the book.  I so wish that I could have introduced her to grace and it could've  stuck.  She might have had a chance to heal too.   She is very tortured to this day in a nursing home, with dementia.  I go see her from time to time and it's okay.  Since we talked in 2012 we're closer now.  She acknowledged that she was a bad mother to me.  I guess I kind of needed that in a way - but I think she needed to say it more.  I feel for her.  I have compassion for her.  This lets me know that I've come a distance with this because I used to really despise her.  Thank God for answered prayers of forgiveness.  I never would have dreamed that I could have been her caregiver for eight months but I did it.  I grew too - but leaps and bounds.  I forget that.

This life thing is hard sometimes with it's emotional ups and downs.  Issues ebb and flow like the crooks and crannies of a river.  I just have to slow myself down and remember that everything takes time, and trusting God.  Maybe this isn't something that I can do myself - but that the Lord is going to have to direct in my life.  Perhaps I'm just going to have to be patient.  And trust.  That's something that I don't do well, trust.  Safety isn't an easy thing for me, I have always made things happen in my  life.  This time, it's just not going to work.

Father God remove from me the bondages of my past.  Free me from all dependencies on people that can fail me and direct me to depend solely upon you.  I give You the emotional wreckage I carry daily - because I cannot bare it alone.  I crave Your peace as You have given it to us.  In Jesus precious name, Amen.

Pain, separation, grief, and grace.

I'm not the type of person that looses people well.  I just don't.  I guess none of us do, depending upon the relationship.  There's varying degrees of loss and it's affect on us.  We loose people in life, I suppose it just happens.  This does not make it any less painful, or easier to overcome.

As with anything it's in the perception.  As I was writing I thought to myself, unless it's a death, you don't really "loose" people, they are just in different places - and the relationship just changes or alters... but we still have to psychologically adapt.  This is where I've been, trying to adapt to such changes and it has been one devil of a road.  I thought I could handle it better, "thought" being the operative word here -- than what I actually did.  Sometimes people have such an impact upon us - that we do not actually realize the depth until they are no longer in our lives.  That has been the case with me.  It is so painful now that I actually don't want to write about it.  I know that I must, so I forge on.

My beloved Pastor of about four years left our church in April of this year.  I thought I was going to be okay.  However in the last few months, I've found out that I have not been able to handle this - and I've really digressed.  The thing that has taken me so was how this has hit me.  The denial that I had about it all and how the grief has surfaced, has really taken me by surprise.  As much as I know about grief from the loss of my beloved father -- and a close friend, we (I have learned) never really know all that there is to know about how grief affects us.  The long and short of it is that I've been devastated.  What I don't know is - was it because of the was I handled it, or was it just how it presented itself in my life?  Well, I know that part of it I have to own, for my dysfunction is part in parcel.

There's only been a couple of people in my life that have majorly impacted me.  Ah, there's been a few that have given me great gifts, but when someone gives you something so precious that you have an internalization of truth, it's impossible to explain -- as it should be.  I've written blog after blog of what this man has given me in grace.  Knowledge, beauty, and truth that was there all the time, I just couldn't see it without his eyes.  I also know now too - as I've struggled my entire life to believe that God really does love me, (as a lot of us do) what an inordinate gift from God this was.  The teaching that I received, the fellowship, the friendship, and the honor of this mans presence was a gift straight from God.  A gift so precious how could I not grieve?  It was likened to a velvet box straight from heaven above with a vision of Jesus like I'd never seen Jesus.  Something that I'd yearned for my entire life.

I was in a horrible situation when I found Midland Church.  I was the caregiver for my Mother who has dementia, under the Hitler like rule of my OCD brother who is a rage-a-holic.  I had been evicted from my own father's house by my brother because I wouldn't pay bills and be a 24-7 caregiver.  He and my other brother stripped the house of food, and anything that they thought I might need or could use prior to putting me out.  These are nasty dysfunctional people, who have had hatred towards me my entire life.  I moved in one day.  I'd been going to a Baptist church nearby - and praying reverently.  God delivered me.  He completely answered my prayers - and led me to Midland and Pastor Paul White's grace church.  I'd been under such condemnation, shame, and I was physically ill from the abuse.  God gave me a miracle.  Grace is a miracle.

I used to leave Midland church after my pastor preached elevated off the ground.  Many times I've floated out of that church... so taken by the vision of Jesus that I would never be the same.  I learned to rest, and be a peace no matter what may come in my life - because my Jesus SITS at the right hand of God.  Pastor taught me, and I searched for myself -- what the scriptures reveal.  I was a shame based person, but no more.   This was my gift from God.  However the message of grace is so needed in the world, Pastor evangelized more and more.  I knew that he would leave eventually and that day finally came.  He taught me that everything has a season.   Yet and still, letting go is so hard.  Who would want to let go of something so glorious?  No one.  I'd gotten quite close with Pastor, and would go and see him from time to time - his anointing so great I wanted to be near him.  I'd share my truths about life, and he'd listen.  I felt like one of his flock.  It was a really beautiful time in my life, and it felt safe.  I haven't felt safe much in my life.  Especially not after my dad died.  I suppose this is why I clung to Pastor so.

I am not happy with myself but I also know that grief will sometimes bring out the worst in us.  I've made some mistakes - as I've been trying to find Jesus by myself.  I may never find him like that again, and I have to accept this.  I still cry, hard.  It's okay.  It was a precious time in my life.  I learned so much.  I wish I knew all of the answers but if I did I wouldn't need God. (Lend not on your own understanding)  I haven't told pastor how hard this has been for me, nor the mistakes that I've made.  However I know that he'd tell me that God wasn't mad at me and that Jesus still loved me no matter what.  I don't know why it is that when I'm hurting I run the opposite way from God, and some how think that He can't possibly understand - my goodness what Jesus went through for us.  I guess we dehumanize Jesus and God all the time.  Maybe it's natural - but I don't like it.  I get angry with myself for vacillating between my flesh and my spirt man.  Yet I know that even the apostle Paul said that the things that he did not want to do he did... and the things that he wanted to do, he did not.  I'm human.

Grieving is difficult no matter what the loss.  I watch people go through it all the time.  I've been through it and some of my crappiest behavior comes out.  I don't like this.  God knows it.  I'm just so thankful, grateful that His mercy is new every morn.  I'm so grateful that I didn't fall back into my old behaviors any further than I did.  It was bad enough.  I'm back where I need to be, or getting there - and healing.  I have to remember that I was trying to help someone when I got lost.  I just wasn't strong enough at the time to help.  Boy, I really dislike being vulnerable at times.  It can be the root of all evil.  People sense that I think, and I know that satan does - and that is all the credit that you'll ever hear me give him.  Christ defeated him!!!

These last few days have been a blessing.  Yeah, I hurt.  It hurts a lot.  I miss my pastor so badly.  He may never know what he and his message meant to me after a life of shame, guilt, and remorse.  He is just a man, a very special man indeed - sent to me as a direct gift from Jesus Himself.  It's going to take me a while to get over this.  However, God did not take away the gift.  This is what I have to know.  Things change - and I meant what I said when he went away -- others need what he gave me.  I'm not selfish, and I want the grace message to be spread throughout the world.  I'd never begrudge someone of what I've received.  People out there are praying that same prayer that I did - and need him too.

I will forever be a student of life and the Lord.  I'm hard headed.  I'm lazy too - to an extent.  Pastor had fed me Jesus like no other in my entire life.  The four years I went to Midland church were unlike anything I've ever experienced, and will probably again (not to limit God).  However, I must now seek to find.  If I am to have the kind of relationship that I truly want with Jesus then I have to  pay homage to it.  It's just like any other relationship, it takes dedication.  Not works, but I can't just sit around and wish for it, like God is some kind of Genie.  No it takes devotion for me.  It's more than just prayer time, which is important no less, but there's more to it that this.

 It's really simple, what you put in is what you get out.  If I want to know Him more then I must seek Him out.  It's not rocket science and it's not magic.  I know that grace is what holds me together.  It is a free gift and it will always be there.  I am the daughter of the Most High, and I am made righteous in Jesus Christ.  This is my identity, this is what Pastor Paul taught me.  The grief caught me off guard, but I know now what I need to do.  I totally believe that everything is our teacher, especially the most painful stuff.  Pastor's teaching continues, and I watch - no it's not the same as when I could get a hug and hear him tell me that he loves me - but I know this in my heart.  I just have to trust that things are the way that they are because this is what the Lord wants.  I'll see him again.  It's just that for now he's about my Father's business.  Actually I wouldn't have it any other way.  I've made some mistakes, but never to fret, they're covered by grace.  I just forgot who I was for a little while because of the grief.  Praise be to my Jesus, because of what He did at the cross - my spirit is flawless!

Medication madness.

I firmly consider myself to be a spiritual person.  If you've read my blog - you know that at one time in my life, I was very deeply into the grace movement.  Since my pastor moved, I've been struggling greatly and this doesn't say much for my faith.  Although I've had to learn the hard way that faith isn't about feelings --- I don't know if everyone gets that.  Faith is about believing, and living your life in accordance to that.  I'm not sure that this was how I was raised though.  But I digress.

I've been on three different medication changes in the last three months for depression and anxiety.  It makes for quite the difficulty in balance in one's life - emotionally, mentally, and physically.  If anyone had any doubt about whether or not these are serious issues, depression alone has cost me sleep (years of lost sleep) physical changes, mental stability, ability to eat food, vomiting, and uncharacteristic aggressiveness.  One feels like a slave to it's affects - and really we are.

I was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder  in 1991 in Minneapolis, Minnesota.  I'd just finished counseling school at St. Mary's Campus of the College of St. Catherine in St. Paul, Mn.  I couldn't find a (counseling) job to save my life.  My student loans were coming due.  I was working two jobs.  All I could dream about was saving the world.  I was on fire with the passion of doing my dream job.  I was sober, and had been since June 1, 1986.  I graduated in May  1991.  I was on fire.  I had no reason to become depressed.  I had fulfilled a dream, I'd been an excellent student.  I had far exceeded my own expectations of myself - with a few bobbles.  I took one C because of a Professor didn't like a paper that I'd written and I refused to redo it.  All else A's and B's.  3.8 GPA.  It blew my mind.  I had almost failed high school.  The only thing that I excelled in was shorthand and band.  I never really tried  - I was always high.  I started getting high when I was 11.  I took my first drink at the ripe age of eleven.  I was smoking pot in 6th grade.   I was using pills addictively by age 14.


Depression hit me hard.  I did not know what was happening to me, even though I was educated.  It's strange like that. I utilized every tool that I knew -- I was going to AA and I almost begged people to tell me, help me but no one had any answers it seemed.  I was in a relationship and it made it a living hell.  I was on prozac  and various other medications and did not have prescription insurance.   You can imagine how that went over.  The side affects are always worrisome.  It's a tradeoff.  You either be depressed or live with the side affects.  I had eight different med changes in the beginning.  It was a living nightmare.  People do not even begin to understand what depression is like.  It is much like your own Psyche betrays you.  Your thoughts lie to you.  Your brain begins to tell you things that aren't true.  They aren't nice things.  You have to fight not to believe them.  It's a living hell.

I'm at the same turn, very grateful for my meds.  I've always been one to take my medication religiously.  I guess it's as simple as wanting to be happy.  I have a friend who is very depressed right now.  He has been for several years - he believes all of his life.  I don't know that I agree with this.  I remember a time when he was happy.  At least he seemed to be.  He has no idea how my heart goes out to him - I've tried everything I possibly can to reach him.  He just won't budge.  I've never known someone like him of such steel will.  He will not change.  Just refuses.  It' such a shame.  He lives with suicidal thought every day.  I can't help him.  I sure hope God does, soon.  It's awful watching him suffer.

My last debacle has been this last three months (or so) with these last three meds.  I was extremely nauseated for a month and a half and threw up several times.  Despite they're best efforts to control it.  The problem with that med was it made me a little manic (if there is such a thing).  Oh I had lots of energy like I'd not ever had before but my spending and behavior got out of control.  I did things that were completely out of character for me.  Even as I write this, finding my ability to write is a sign that I'm getting better and I know now that I'm going to be okay.  It's awful to feel out of control.  People don't understand it and they judge it.  We fear what we don't understand.  It's just a normal reaction for most.  One must be fairly enlightened to not be afraid of something they don't understand.  Either that or they've been down a road or two themselves.

I sure hope this new med doesn't make me feel like a zombie.  I hate that.  I'm still in the increase process.  So far so good.  Man, a road or two I've been down folks.  I'm just grateful to be coming out of the woods.  This particular med does have a few side affects, they all do, but they aren't bad - at least I can feel.  That's the one that kills me, when I can't feel normal feelings.  I've been on some that have changed me so much that said friends have told me "you're not yourself!"  I didn't even know.   That's scary.   I actually spend several years on some meds that weren't right for me.  I did not know.

Depression is hard to explain.  There's times when it comforts me.  There's lots of times I abhor it.  The thing is it's always there.  It never has totally gone away for me.  It' like a second skin.  Overshadowing my life.  Affecting my day to day.  With some meds it doesn't affect me much at all and others more - but it is a constant companion.  I think back now, and I think it's always been there. It just got really bad in 1991.  I'm very grateful for meds - as much as they are difficult at times.  I miss sleep the most.  I only sleep about 3-4 hours a night most nights because of one of my meds and it's been this way for years.  I've taken every sleeping pill in the book.  I know that it highly affects my memory and ability to do things, but I don't know what to do about it -  I have to have it.  That one is surely  a love hate relationship!

The truly hard part is the emotions.  Some of the meds make you feel numb.  It's really hard to feel connected to God when you're numb.  That's why I opened this up about faith and feelings.  It took me a long time to learn that and with help from Pastor Paul.  I understand it now, but I won't tell you that feelings do help faith.  It helps to feel hopeful.  That's for sure.  There is nothing like those goose pimple moments to let you know your alive.  There is nothing like feelings of awe and wonder.  I'm all for those.   I love that.  I'm beginning to feel a lot better despite lack of sleep.  It feels so good to write.  It's actually beginning to feel good to be alive again and that's what it's all about.  Thanks be to God for getting me through this, even though it's not over yet.  I've still got things to face.  Yet, somehow today it feels like it might just be okay.   It doesn't seems as devastating as it did yesterday. Praise God for progress.

Life sure feels like that sometimes... despite the physicality of it all, I don't know that I'd change any of it - it makes me, me.  I suppose what matters in the end is progress, even if it's a step or two forward and three back.  I keep getting up.  We all know what Confucius  says - "Fall down seven times, get up eight."  

Consequences.

People blow my mind.  The older that I get, and the longer that I live it seems as I let people into my life - they tear a path right through it.  They seems to have no qualms about ripping my emotions or my heart into screeds.  Perhaps it's the type of people that I meet, but I cannot figure out how it is that someone is to know a person is destructive prior to getting to know them.  Oh, of course there's little inclinations along the way - and this is my fault for not taking heed.  Perhaps this is why the world is so tightly nit, and shut down.  It's dangerous out there.

Let me back up.  When my pastor left for California - I was (putting it mildly) devastated.  After having been fed weekly and bi-weekly by one of the most beautiful grace preachers in all of my life, and to have that just taken away - I was not prepared.  I thought I could handle it.  'Thought' being the operative word.  I have not handled it well AT ALL.  I've had a deep sense of abandonment, and a buried sense of grief.  The grief was so deep that it would only pop up at certain times.  It would be very cathartic when it did, but it would shock me, and all the while I've been going through several medication changes.  I think I've been working so hard at "being okay" which I have to do because of the chronic pain that I have, that I just wasn't feeling at all.  This is a big no-no for me.  It is very important for me to stay in touch with my feelings.  I've not been able to write at all.  This toppled with a medication that had me throwing up everyday for over a month did not help.

I did not know what to do with this grief that felt somewhat inappropriate.  By this I mean, I'm not supposed to get that attached to a human being.  You know what?  I did.  He's not just any human being - he was my pastor.  I relied on him for many things.  I use to go to him for counsel, spiritual feedings, and truth.  Not everyone, or just anyone can give you - or will give you that.  It was a huge hole in my life.  It still is.  Somehow in there I lost Jesus...  I don't even like admitting that - but it is the truth.  I didn't loose Him, I lost sight of Him.  We never loose Jesus.  Jesus lives inside of me, but I was grief stricken, and heartbroken.  When I feel like this it is really hard for me to sense the Holy Spirit, and I usually end up distancing myself --- only making the circumstance worse.  I am then running on feelings, and I am a mess.  I spend to much, I make bad decisions.  When I do that - I feel bad, and I usually end up doing even worse.  It was at this point that I met my new friend.  Oh, was I ripe for it.  As I look back now I know unequivocally that the dark one knows my vulnerabilities and surely had me right were he wanted me.  And we all know that he comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

She began by complimenting me.  Then came the sad story of needing help.  She got me hook, line, and sinker.  I referred her to the place where I go for counseling.  She took the number and said she's always wanted to go.  I don't know if at this point that was a lie, or what  - but she had no intention of going to counseling.  She's a thief.  That's right, the kind of woman that has three men funding her at one time.  Dozens of lies, fraud doesn't faze her, as long as she gets her money.  I've never seen anything like it.  I got caught up in that nightmare.... for a little while.  It didn't take me long to figure out what was going on there.  She was good though, and for a while, I was attracted to her, her money and her life.  Before I knew the depth of it, I even kind of envied her ability to manipulate these men, and get money at the drop of a hat.  The funny thing that happened though is what I think happens with the rest of the people that she gets involved with is that I began to have feeling for her too.  She says it's a curse, but she sure utilizes it to her advantage.  She's unlike anything, or anyone I've ever seen, a master at her craft.  They're always easy on the eyes.

It will be a long time before I let anyone else into my life.  Despite my loneliness.  I've got consequences from the very brief time that I was associated with her.  I even tried to back away from her before I was able, and told her straight up that she was too dangerous for me.  I guess she'd developed feelings for me too because she called crying saying that she missed me and I was sucked back in.  Only for a short time, but long enough to know I wasn't strong enough to stay healthy and be involved with her.  The sad thing is it was so opposite of who I am, it makes me so sad.  Now I have to clean up what I've done.

Sometimes I wonder at 53 if I'll make mistakes the rest of my life.  I guess I will.... to a certain degree.  I guess we all do.  I know that there are things that I 'm not dealing with.  I've not dealt with them in years, and it's time.  I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason, and I guess there was a reason that this happened.  I don't much like it nor what it has brought to my life, nor do I even know all the ramifications yet.  To be completely honest, I'm frightened.  This is what happens when you do things that you know are outside of your comfort zone.  There's consequences.  So I may need friends, but I don't need friends that badly.  I sure did not know.  However, when I did I didn't get out fast enough.  It's amazing how quickly bad behavior can take you over (me anyway) and feel good for awhile.  I'm such an addict.  I've never made any qualms about that.  I messed up --- I messed up bad.  The ramifications of it may be far reaching.  Beyond what I can imagine.  I'm devastated.

I was honest with my Psych and now I'm looking at treatment again - and I've been spending like mad.  I've got a spending problem.  I'm going to blog another post about what I've been through with medication but I think I was a bit manic there for awhile as I was on my second med change (I'm on my third).  This is so hard.  Oh well.  When you push the boundaries - thing happen that are out of your control.  I have to keep telling myself that no matter what happens it's only temporary.  God's still got me.  Yeah, I screwed up.  It's not the end of the world.  I have to get back to my faith.  If you pray - say one for me......

I still believe in mankind I alway will.  It's just who I am.  The part that was so hard for me to let go of with her is that I knew why she was doing what she was doing.  It was all motivated by pain.  She was in so much pain most of the time she couldn't even sit still for more that 15-20 minutes at a time.  She'd just lost her sister and her nephew (in a house fire)  and didn't have a clue how to deal with that grief added on to a lifetime of damage.  My problem is my heart aches for these kinds of folks.  I am one of these folks.  I've just been fortunate enough to get help with my history and the madness that I have gone through.  Not everyone is lucky/blessed like that and they simply run through their lives on total empty.  I tried to help my friend.  The draw was too strong and I got sucked down in to her pain.   My pain obviously was showing too.  I don't judge her, don't ever get me wrong, I don't agree with a lot of what she did and does, but I cannot judge her.  I've done to much myself to ever judge.  Now I just find myself crying and praying for her because she isn't a bad person.  She is just very misguided and needs help.  I wish I could have provided that help instead of caving the way that I did.  That makes me sad.  The fact that I have gotten such consequences so quickly lets me know actually that God does love me. I cannot tell you why or how long it's going to take me to get that.

I'm the lucky one.  If I have to go to treatment, I guess I will.  I've made an appointment with a new therapist to deal with somethings that should have been dealt with when my dad passed.  I listen to people tell me things that did not fit with what I needed.  I also have to finish this grief and figure out what to do with this hole in my life.  If people only knew what all I've been through - it's pretty astonishing really.  When I look back God's always made a way.  He's made a way when there was none.  He'll do it again.  Of this, I'm sure.  Consequences, or not.

Power

http://www.astro.com/cgi/atxgen.cgi?btyp=cf  This link is to a color test that will give you an emotional and psychological assessment.  It was spot on for me.  Give it a shot!  It was very detailed  and quite interesting.   

Power.  It's an interesting concept.  It can spring from all kinds of sources.  I guess I don't feel like I've had much in my life ~ awe, at one time I suppose.  I've had to, being a person that has chronic pain, fibromyalgia  assorted oddities, addiction, childhood trauma, I suppose one could say my life has been mostly about recognizing my powerlessness verses finding power in my life.  Not to come off as some weak, sniffling, victim - because I'm far, far- from that.  I suppose what I'm attempting to communicate is that I've never been a person that's been power hungry.  I do know that type.  I've just been one to be mindful of the soul.  I'm a heart person.  I'm a spirit and a hope junkie.  My life has been about getting back up -- dusting myself off and starting over, as many times as that takes.  

It's hard to find a sense of  power in depression.  Finding your sense of self is hard.  It's in there, but buried deep in the masses.  It's actually so complex it's impossible to simply express.  The ebb and flow of the healing path is one peppered with good choices, and some behaviors that seemed like a good idea ...at the time.  This is my greatest challenge.  Instant gratification.  It's been a problem of mine for a long time.  I know when I'm doing it, before I'm going to -- and while I'm in it -- but I don't change it.  It's one of the stickier ones, that I have difficulty changing.  I guess I like it - and this always is hard to change behaviors, even if they're consequences.  I'm broke all the time.  It's my own fault. To a degree.  I'm a "stuff" junkie -- self confessed.  I love makeup.  LOVE IT.  It makes me feel good.  So I order it, or get it locally - or "virtually" shop for it.  LOL.....  I salivate over it!!!!  I just buy some and I want more!!!  It's ridiculous.  It could certainly be worse.   

I suppose we all have things that make us happy.  I don't have people or  people nearby, so I shop when I can.  It fills a big void.  I have made some really crazy choices though.  I suppose difficult times bring about abhorrent repercussions.  I'm my own worst critic. 

I don't like the word "try".  I've didn't allow my clients (when I was counseling) to use the word.  It's like "trying" to pick up a pencil, you either pick it up or you don't.  It's a lot like Yoda -- "Do- there is no try".  I believe in that little dude.  

I am trying to heal.  The best way I know how. Honestly it's a challenge each and everyday.  Maybe I've softened since those days - and yes I need to exercise self-control, but I'm not getting high.  I don't think a new  eyeshadow pallet is going to really hurt me.  It sure does make me happy though.  In all reality with as much as I have to deal with, it's not a bad vice.  I'm not hurting anyone - just my finances.  Everything needs to be about balance -- that is what I want.  I pray for this -- a steady balance of  everything, God, self, people, life, money --- if it would just line up.  I wish money didn't control everything.  It makes me sad.  

On the other hand, my job is going better - and I'm getting more hours, which means that I get to see people and interact more.  This is always a good thing.  Still waiting on that Knight (horse optional).  I've prayed and I know he is out there.  I know, that  I know, that I know.  God answers prayer.  I am not meant to be this alone.  

Things are turning around.  I feel it.  Good things are happening.  God is answering my prayers, I just can't see it all yet.  I thank Him in advance for all that He is doing, and has done!  

Thank those of you that are taking this journey with me..... 

Grace and Peace to you all,

Gina

I miss friends

It's hard for me to admit when I struggle.  I'm not sure why.  Everyone struggles.

For me it is loneliness.  It is nearly impossible to make friends nowadays.  People are so distanced by phones, iPads, whatever the latest device.  It's like a coat of armor.  People carry them around like an impenetrable shield that protects them from real life.  At least this is how I see it and how it feels trying to get close to someone.  I've had the opportunity in the last few months to get somewhat close to a few people to only be disappointed once again.  I think these devices are mostly to blame.  They give us a false sense of security.  I mean it's a damn machine.... for crying out loud.

I feel much like a person so alone in this world, that I must be the only one.  Yet I know that this cannot be true.  I know that if I'm going through this, there must be others.  It's just how life works.  I see other people with all these people, family, and friends in their lives -- and I'm so taken by it.  I want to scream at them to not take it for granted -- because so many people do.  Few folks truly comprehend what it is like to spend endless hours alone, wishing, waiting, desiring accompaniment.  I only wish I knew what to do?  I've even thought of going to bars -- if I thought that would help -- but I KNOW that isn't an answer for me.  That would only make my life worse than it is... but it feels pretty bad right now.  Oh I'm not depressed, I'm oppressed.  For what reason, I have no clue.  It just seems to get worse and worse.  I pray and cry -- and nothing changes.  I've befriended people and given my all -- only to find that when I need a friend, they don't know how to be one.  This is a sad fact of this world.

I even understand this form of shallowness.  I can accept it and move on -- but move on to what?  Move on to where?  Further depths of sorrow and depression?  Feeling increasingly more and more hopeless?  I hate even writing these thoughts much less having them.  I am a very hopeful person.  I dispensed hope for a living.... but yet -- here I am with little of nothing and almost no one in my life.  The kicker is I don't know why?  People tell me I'm an inspiration.  People tell me that I'm the person that can help others change their lives -- but I cannot heal my own?  I cannot make people want to be in my life!  Are people so leery now that they won't even give someone a chance at friendship?  I'd had plans with one person from work -- after work and then I just totally got blow off - and for some reason unbeknown to me, I didn't even deserve a call back?  Are people that rude?  I guess they are.  People have no intentions upon letting anyone into their inner circle.  This is how shut down the world has become because of technology.  This is why someone can lie bleeding on the sidewalk and people step over them with no thought of helping.  We're walking dead.  I'm of a mind that technology is to blame.  It's the one thing that's between us.  I don't know too many real people that exist anymore.  Oh there's plenty that act "as if"... but they're not real either.  It makes me sick inside.

I wonder what this does to God.  If I'm affected emotionally and impacted negatively by this -- I wonder how He feels?  I talked to a guy yesterday that said he didn't believe in anything.  How sad.  No faith -- things just are.  Wow.  I'd been dead a long time ago.  Seriously.

As I fight this depression and anxiety -- and I do it with just God and I - it's very difficult.  I have one friend.  Oh I have professionals.  That isn't the same.  They're paid to talk to me.  It isn't as if they don't care, they do but you understand.  They're compassion can only go so far.  All of this is affecting my confidence, my self- esteem, my hope for living.  How could it not?  These are basic needs.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere.  This is a destitute feeling.  I have very distant family - and one friend.  I'm strong - but not that strong.

So those of you that read my blog -- I ask for your prayers.  Sincerely.  This has been going on for a long time.  Usually I can handle it --- but I'm growing weary.  Between the pain (physical and emotional) the depression, the anxiety and the sense of separation that I feel from the world  --  it's beginning to feel like I'm separated from God too.  Just void.  Empty.  The hope junky has giving away all she's got.  I know how sad that sounds, and please don't mistake it for self-pity.  Pity it is not, it is just reality.  We were not created to be alone like this.  We all need a sense of community.  It just baffles my mind how I am and the degree in which I'd go to help my fellow human --- and what I really get in return.  Baffles me.  Not that I expect people to be like me - because I do not - I'm smarter that that.  I do "hope" for people to be however, human.  To have drives, desires, needs, and wants just like me.  Maybe the world has changed so much that this just ins't true anymore.  Maybe I'm the odd one out.  To be brutally honest:  I just don't know anymore.

I am not alone.

I'm struggling still.  It is difficult too because it makes the pain that I have harder to manage -- and my anxiety has been through the roof.  As I attempt to learn and function at this new job, it feels impossible some days.  I vacillate between feeling like I'm going to get fired one day - to "maybe I got this", the next.  I'm just damned unstable at this particular time in my life -- and I abhor it.  The effects of the depression make everything harder --- EVERYTHING.  I'd just as soon give up - but it's just not in me.  Besides the fact that I'm no quitter.  I mean we don't really have that option, now do we?  I've never seen it listed!
   
                                                              1.  Keep going
                                                              2.  Give up

Thank God I haven't lost (completely) my sense of humor.....


I have many that wonder (or will) where my faith is at a time like this.  All I know to say is, I don't know.  When you can't feel anything, and you grapple for every little morsel of stimulus from life - all the while feeling much akin to a dead stump... it's kind of difficult to access your faith.  I know in my head that God is still there.  I even know in my heart as much -- and I have brief moments when I can emotionally grasp something  close.  However there's the void.  The void that I'm living in.  Trust me - I full well know that faith isn't about feelings.  Albeit -- depression wipes everything out.  Alas, I'm sure that this is exactly how satan likes it.  For I know that my current mental state is and does lie to me.  What I mean by that is that is it tells me things about myself that aren't true.  Awful things.  It's a horrible illness.

I will forge on.  I have some things on the horizon.  I know that God is with me, ever step of the way. I also know that there are people with a whole lot worse problems than I have and that this is temporary.  A large part of what is going on with me is about not having many humans in my life.  I've prayed for this to change.  I believe in prayer -- and I believe that this will change.  Isn't that faith?

My pastor once told me that the Word was inside me.  I have awful problems with memory.  I cannot recall scripture like most people.  I can remember it when someone starts to recite it - but as far as knowing it by heart - I don't.  It isn't because I haven't read it. I have.  I know that He has a plan for a future for me and that it is good.  I just have to believe this.

I guess I've just lost my purpose.  This goes back to loosing my ability to counsel.  I know that this is the gift that I was given by God.  It was/is what I excel at.  It is where I feel I'm the most useful.  It is simply what I do best and what I love.  Helping others makes me feel alive.  It is my purpose in life.  I have to find a way to utilize my gifts in my present life and I will because.... Jesus knows my every need.  He hears my every prayer -- even when I cannot pray.  And I know that I am not alone.....




Amen.