Faith and Fear

Life is so interesting.  How things evolve and change.  It never ceases to amaze me.  We hold on to ideals and concepts so tightly until life beats us to a pulp, teaching us that what we believed in so solidly was completely the opposite of what we believed.  However, it takes an earth shattering experience to change our thinking.  Do we have to be so hard pressed in our thinking?  I'm learning that no, no we don't.  Change doesn't have to be that hard.  And being open to new ideas and ways of thinking can be applied by a much easier method.

I have this problem with control.  I've had so much powerlessness in my life -- or at least this is what it seems like.  I've had things, events that have happened in life that I really didn't choose, but I did put myself in the environment.  So I had part to play.  I'm not totally innocent.  I try and own what's mine.  Nonetheless, I didn't know what happened was going to happen.  I'm no fortuneteller.  I did not ask for the likes of my mother.  Her and my relationship regrettably shaped a great deal of how I am in relationships, albeit I've had therapy for it for 25 years.  Not bonding with my mother was very difficult because I did not learn how to nurture myself, I did not get affection that I would have normally gotten,  nor the validation, self-esteem was horribly lacking --- and the list goes on and on.  However --- I bid you that I am as whole, happy and at peace today because of Jesus as I know how to be.  Everything that I've came to understand under the teachings of Pastor Paul White in four years has taught me enormous lessons of what and who I am in Jesus Christ.  I'm the one that looses sight of this, on a daily basis and part of the reason that I write.

 My faith.  I struggle with it daily.  It's that trust issue again.  As one can imagine, trust is not something that comes easily for me.  My own mother betrayed me.  Now that's real right there.

It's very unfortunate that my response to deal with life is to fight and feel fear.  I doubt that there's many people, Christians especially that would admit that.  If you read my blog, you would know that I'm not your average Christian.  At all.  I was taught radical Grace.... and it blew my mind because of the immense beauty, the depth of the love of Christ, and the enormity of the Word.  I'm not supposed to feel fear, it's the absence of faith.  I don't have (always) the gifts I know that I can have.  Who's fault do you think this is?  Yep.  Mine.  I've allowed fear to creep back into my life.  I have an anxiety disorder - but I'm not even supposed to say that in grace.  I cannot tell you the number of times that I've been told that Jesus paid for "insert what ever illness here".  I guess I don't know how to be a Grace christian.  Perhaps this is the real problem, because I or my little brain cannot comprehend it all to the point where I am spotless.  I'm Saint-like.  I suppose I still have too much human in me.  Having had such a psychological and therapeutic background does not help me.  It has put me at a fault when it comes to Jesus and what He did (all) at the Cross.  I just have been pounded so hard that everything is my responsibility .  It takes so long to uproot those kinds of beliefs, to let go of that philosophy, and just let God love me into wholeness.  Maybe this is part of why Pastor Paul left so I could begin to dig deeper and find this stubborn root.  Stubborn it is, and I really don't think I'm alone here -- I totally believe that we all struggle with fear and control we just may call it something else.

I am the kind of woman/person that knows them self  pretty well, and what I know doesn't frighten me.  Not anymore.  I've stared most of my (boy I hope) ugliest demons in the face and survived.  I've sat with my inner child and felt her pain, and I've walked with my addiction and I know it's voice.  I've survived long, difficult periods of alone time, and struggled with having to take care of myself during medical procedures alone. There just isn't much that I've not been through that I've not been through, alone.  However, Jesus has always been there right with me, holding me through it.  I know for certain that He has believed in me more than I've believed in Him, and I'm saddened to say that truth.  I have a much greater faith today because of His Word, Pastor Paul, and just life.  When the Word really gets inside you, you know it.  Even when you don't part it's pages.... it's still there, in your heart.

I sincerely hope that this speaks to someone because I know that I've beaten myself up SO much for being afraid.  I've come to understand that it is not that I don't believe in God, or that I lack faith -- it just a part of resistance.  Yes  We like to "think" we are in control of our lives, I think that's a human trait.  I think that is just normal.  However. it causes us a great deal of stress (unnecessary) and and I believe it is the root of almost all illness.  It is not normal to live in 'flight or fight' mode.  That was for survival, and we are so far beyond that - yet we use it to (try) to control ourselves and other people -- our spouses, friends, etc.  If I just worry enough...this won't happen...  That's insane.  I have a friend that constantly says "I know, I know" about prayer, faith, and God - but is so stressed out her hair is falling out.  She is having chest pains, and I'm very worried about her.  Is anything that is under the blood of Jesus worth all of that?  Who made us responsible?  That my guilt and my anguish could affect events, outcomes, and circumstances?  How grandiose?

I did get one thing right in Jesus, even if I am still ever the student.  I remain humble and teachable.  I know that my Jesus is SITTING (because there is no further need of sacrifice) at the right hand of God, and that if He is sitting, I have nothing to worry about.  Essentially - ever.  God isn't going to just take care of the sin debt and leave us to fend for ourselves.  That wouldn't be any kind of parent.  He took care of everything for us, and this is what I need to immerse myself into and embrace to let go of control.  I still growing in who I am in Christ-- and you know what?  That is okay.  Jesus still loves me, He already knew it!  I'm the one just figuring this out.  It took me awhile to understand that only good things come from God... I used to believe that God dished out consequences as well.  I had a lot of undesirable stuff to overcome in my beliefs that had been passed down to me-- that didn't belong to me.  What are you holding on to that was passed down to you?  Have you even thought about it?  It's so crucial to make absolute sure that your beliefs are YOURS.  Not hand-me-downs.

Father God, I love learning.  I praise you for my ability to ponder Your absoluteness.  I praise You for the knowledge that I obtained during my time at Midland, what an honor, Father God.  I am still unveiling truth.  Help me go forward with the truth that I know is inside me, hand in hand, spirit to spirit... as You would have me.  Let the Holy Spirit continue to reveal new things to me, and let me be quiet enough to hear Lord. Thank You Jesus for this beautiful thing we call life.  I am discovering that I am free.
In Jesus's precious Name,
Amen.

Thinking about thinking.....

I actually wonder how many of us do this?  Are we aware that we have resistance to our forward thinking thoughts, our positive energy motivating behaviors, the new intentions that form in our minds?  We do!  It's that nagging voice that pops up and tells you why you can't or shouldn't do what you've just so wonderfully welcomed doing.  It's a instant lash of negative, a knife blade of death to the creative voice in your head.  Do you hear yourself thinking?  Do or have you ever even thought about it?

There are so many times that I just wish I could stop the thoughts that run through my head.  I can intercede upon them, but I've yet to conquer them.  Of course with anything, the first step is awareness... we have to stop and think about our thinking... we have to examine it.  Most people aren't comfortable with this.  It takes guts sometimes.  It really takes an enlightened person, one that can stand outside there own mind.  Yes there can be judgement, it's difficult not to, but eventually (it's taken me years) there becomes an understanding that our thought patterns just are.  It is within my power to correct and modify them, but I don't know that I can ever completely change the ebb of the original flow.  This has led me now to Buddhism.  I'm very interested in the culture, and the mindset.  I like the compassionate way.  I like the peaceful way.  I realize that at 53 this might not be the easiest thing to try to incorporate into my life, but I've ordered a book called, "The Mind and The Way".  I am very tired of living life vulnerable to life's little bumps and bruises, and being attached to this and that.  It is not that I do not want to care.  It is not this, at all.  I want to care at a deep level, but I want to make the best of possible decisions for everyone involved.  I want to be in my higher mind.  I believe this is possible in great moments of peace.

Being attached to things emotionally is pretty much how we are wired.  This is how we 'take things personally' - and have adverse reactions to events that happen in our lives, only to wish we'd responded differently later on.  We just care about stuff.  It's perfectly normal.  However there is a state of being that removes that gut reaction.  It doesn't come over night, and it takes practice as well as much thought.  It will come natural after practice.  I'm talking meditation and mindfulness.  I used to meditate, I did so for three years.  It changed my life.  I don't know to this day why I stopped.  Life is strange that way - and how we can just quit doing something that is producing excellent results in our lives.  It completely transformed me from the inside out.  I no longer reacted to things the same way in life, and evidentially I even looked a bit differently on the outside, according to friends.  Attachments are like burdens, they weigh us down.  We aren't really aware of it, until something happens.  Then we get all bent out of shape.  This is one of the single most telling ways to know that our attachments are out of sink.

I know that this is not going to be easy.  I have new ideas all the time that I don't follow through with.  I am very curious about this however and I have been most of my life.  As my life gets more stressful and I'm handling is less productively -- this seems to be the best possible answer for me.  As much as I detest becoming angry and blasting people, and as opposite as it is of who I earnestly am, this feels like more of a way of life for me.  I am a very calm, collected, and at peace individual -- and it is up to me to make my insides mirror my outsides.  I'm so tremendously tired of wearing the weight of my past, and I want to live in the present.  At least as much as I can.  I am in hopes that this discipline will hone the edges off my sometimes jagged life.  This is my hope.

This doesn't intercede upon my relationship with Jesus Christ, in any size, shape, nor form.  It for me is just a manner of living.  I still and always will be a Christian first and foremost.  Buddhism is for me a way to be a better Christian.  A better human.

I am an avid watcher of Super Soul Sunday of the OWN channel of Oprah Winfrey's station.  I love it.  It is one of the most thought provoking programs on television.  I soak it up like a little child on Sunday mornings.  I watched reruns last Sunday and Thich Nhat Hanh was on her program.  He is a very well know Buddhist monk, and  he's written  several books.  I have one called, "Living Buddha, Living Christ".   I'm just becoming familiar with it.  It is inspiring, and quite deep.  One has to think about their thinking, literally.

I think I've turned a corner with my depression, it feels that way.   I so hope so and that my creative intelligence has returned.  I hope that I once again can be captain of this ship instead of being a captive.  It is so much more refreshing.  It feels much less like being stuck in a mire of incidental life, where you have very little control over what happens to you because you don't have the creative energy nor the energy period.  My fibro is bad enough and what it does to my brain.  Being a prisoner to the depression is hell on earth.  It is a gift to be able to write, even if no one reads it.  It is a passion that I have, that allows me to indulge my higher thought life through a larger vision.  If that makes any sort of sense for anyone.  I get to think about my thinking.  I hope I'm on a shift change here....  one with truly lasting value.   I know that it will challenge me.  Everything worth having really does -- if it's worth anything of value in your life.  I guess as most of us do I'm still searching for meaning at 50+.  There is nothing wrong with this.  Being the kind of person with few personal relationships, no real family-- I have to work harder than most to feel alive.  It's either that or be busy feeling alone.  I don't want to feel alone.  I've done plenty of that.  It's time to get busy with the business of life.

God bless, and constant grace.....  may you find your way of peace and internal bliss in everyday life.

Honesty with Self and a giving heart.

It's been some time since I've written.  Even though I'm on meds, depression has my creative voice.  I'm attempting to manage some unmanageable things -- go to therapy and emotionally deal with life the best way that I know how at this time.  Most days it seems that I don't feel, despite the fact that I try.  I detest this about medication, it makes life really seem like it's not worth living, especially when your a feelings based person such as I am.  Most of what I do feel is surrounded by negative self-worth and berating myself.  I know that this is the depression talking - and the voices of my past.  The  "old-tapes" if you will.  That triggers more depreciation because I wonder to myself if I'll ever break free of my past with my mother.  I suppose after 25+ years of therapy -- the answer might just be, uh, no.   It's okay - I know that I'm a much different person today than I've ever been, and I do catch myself when the negative beatings erupt.  I do stop myself, I do the best I can to feel the emotion that spurred it on, and move on from it.  This is my way of moving beyond it.  I honestly do not know if our core issues every completely heal over.  That's just me, others may differ --- no bonding with your mother is a pretty serious issue ... and I know that it marred me.

I have been muddling along.  I tried to help someone out of the kindness of my heart.  Despite the hesitancy of my mind - I took someone in.  I couldn't bare thinking of this person sleeping in an abandoned house.  This is a female for goodness sake.  Now this is her bed that she's made, a bed made from gambling, addiction, and reoccurring homelessness because of her behavior.  She has the canny ability to get money -- but when she does she gambles it away quicker than she can get it again.  Yes I believe that gambling is an addiction.  However, there is help.  Just like with anything else.  People either choose help, or they don't.  They want to get well, or they're busy staying sick.  Yes, that sounds cruel, but I believe that one either makes up their mind or they don't.  Anyway ...

I let her stay with me for a few days.  She was supposedly sober for a few weeks, but alas, all she did was sleep... for hours on end.  No looking for a job, no different behavior, just irresponsibility.  Basically, same shit, different day.  She left one evening (for the second time) to be with a man that I know is still using -- and I'd had enough.  She stayed out all night, did not communicate with me, and I put her out.  Oh but I'm the one talking to her crazy.  The truth is crazy.   Funny how people who aren't living life by life's rules think the truth is crazy.  But I know that she is a Queen of manipulation.  It's what she does.  It's how she gets her money... and she is very good at it.  The tough part is that I do care for and about her.  I know that she is possibly facing four years in jail.  She has a great deal of pain inside of her.  I don't know exactly how long it's been since she's drawn a sober breath.  Not a real one.  Not where she is dealing mentally, emotionally, and physically with her real emotions?  She may have never!  Perhaps I was expecting too much... particularly where this man is concerned.  She is as addicted to him as she is the drugs, and gambling.  At the very least she is people dependent.  At any rate, I did what I felt I had to do.  There was one thing ...she had access to my home.  Yeah, that was stupid on my part.  So I had to act fast.... and I did...

Live and learn.  The hard part for me is the fall out. The emotions that I had that spilled over from doing what I had to do and the dealings with her.  She did everything in her power to try and make me "feel" like I was a horrible person.  I was the one that had the problems, not her.  Now I know that the is what addicts do -- well because I am one, however let me tell you when the tables are turned and the focus or the brunt of the emotion is at you, it's a different story.  It does make you (make being the operative word here) wonder if you've made the right decision, ultimately questioning yourself.  I knew this was coming.  Yet and still, I experienced the emotions.  I know now (being past it) that I felt this because I've put people through it.  It's not fun being on the other side of the coin.

Life has an uncanny way of showing us things.  Sometimes it's simple things, and sometimes much more complicated.  A few things that I know - I am a caring and kind human.  I often reach my hand out to help, and draw back a stump.  But this is okay with me.  At the very least, I tried.  Nothing ever worth having came without a price.  We never know.  I'd not want to live my life in a bubble of super heavy duty wrap that no one could penetrate.  I'd rather be open to hope, Jesus and His healing powers, and the potential for change.  Some might call me stupid, vulnerable, and risky - but that's okay.  For me to live is to give.  It's just who I am.  Yes at times there's consequences - but for the most part, if chosen wisely, they're's joy.  That's what I'm seeking are those times, when joy is involved.  I know that my faith will lead me there one of these days.  I cannot quit believing.  Unfortunately this usually involves other people, and it subjects me to being hurt at times.  Suffering behind it is .......optional.  I don't have to suffer, I just give it right back to God.  She is in His more than capable hands, once again.  I still took the risk, no matter that it didn't turn out as I'd liked for it too.  She's got a long way to go yet I think to reach bottom, and I hate this for her.  Deep bottoms are hard to come up out of, I know, I've been there.

The really difficult part is lying to ourselves about who and what we really are.  Herein lies the challenge, the task of being brutally honest with self.  Some people run from it their entire lives, while others relish in who they are.  It's a major part of who society is.  Vastly divergent we all are, especially those that are ego driven.  I can't say that I am not at all, however I do try and keep mine in check.  It takes attention, focus, and practice.  Most folks don't even bother.  It's pretty much what makes life worthwhile for me... my clarity of mind, motivation, and purpose in life.  I realize that there are plenty others that could care less.  For me, however it is my life force.  It's been brought about by multiple trips to ground zero (if you will allow me) and starting over with nothing, time, and time again.  It humbles you - tremendously.  A person takes very little for granted when facing those kind of new starts.  I'm not here to say that I'm perfect by any means, but I try and stay aware, and focused - and alive to life.  I think used very lightly it's called: BEING PRESENT.  It's such a much more focused way to live as an anxiety driven sufferer, and very grounding.  It's for me all the way back to the word... Grace.  The grace of a new day, a new experience, a new hope.  As we live "expectantly" - anything is possible in this wonderland that we call life.  If I can do it with these pain levels, and my demons -- anyone can.  All you have to do is start where you are.  Watch for miracles - they happen everyday, only if we're open to them.  Be open.

This is a new day filled with new adventures!  Get out there and see what Jesus has in store for you!!!
God Bless!!!

The Pain of Becoming.

It seems like that no matter what age I reach I continue to run head on in to these precipices.  I cross these paths where I have to move forward yet I'm not quite sure how.  Some days I curse the fact that I'm such a deep dweller and the things that propel my mind.  What I'd give sometimes just to be able to shut it off, unplug, and take a respite from it.  Yet I cannot, or at least do not know how.  I suppose I really wouldn't have it another way in truth.  It is very taxing.  If only my head and my heart could converge.  Perhaps then my behavior would be in congruence.

I had my yearly evaluation yesterday and it's had me in a tailspin every since.  I've been up for hours after only sleeping a few.  The man that did the eval was very good and hit on some very valid points, things that I'd not considered -- but true of my life.  It boggles my mind that strangers can see things that we cannot even when we're willing.

I've written of my distant, conflicted relationship with my mother.  I've not ever really delved into it fully because I get quite the feedback when I am totally honest in what my experience was growing up with her.  Society has some hardcore beliefs about mothers, and my life example doesn't fit, at ALL.  So if your the least bit touchy about mothers, nows your chance to opt out because it's going to get difficult in this particular blog.

My mom is narcissistic.  All that has ever mattered to her is what she wanted, needed and was going to get.  This is how I grew up.  I was not wanted as a child, I was told at a very young age that I was a mistake.  I was even told "how I was conceived."  I intrinsically knew that my mother did not love me.  Don't ask me how I knew, I just did.  She was very jealous of me with my father, and would use my relationship with him to get what she wanted.  She began doing this at an early age -- and the she'd blame me for being able to do it.  She's tell me to go and tell my dad that I wanted something that she wanted, and when dad would do it, she'd kick me in the teeth for getting what she wanted done, done.  This went on from dinners out to buying houses to cars.  I couldn't win.  One can imagine what this did to me.  All I wanted was for my mom to love and accept me, which I never got - and never have had a real relationship with her.  I've just had to grieve it.  It wasn't until I was her 24 hour caregiver that I had my feelings validated when she admitted that she hated me when I was little.  I'd sensed it, and I had been right.

One can only imagine what circumstances like this does to a small child.  Of course I thought it was all my fault.  That's just what kids do.  I internalized it all.  I was defective.  I was incapable of seeing her flaws, all I could do was feel the rejection and abandonment and it had to be me.  I know that this is why my addiction took off like gangbusters at such an early age.  I was ripe for it, I had gunshot wounds all over me.

Now that was a long time ago  - but even after many, many, years of therapy some aspects of those dynamics still plague me.  I become too dependent upon people because I do not trust myself.  I am still healing.  When I lost my dad in 2010 and all hell broke loose,  I almost lost it.  Dad was the one person in my life that I knew loved me unequivocally and without condition.  Mother was very conditional.  That to me isn't love.  It's control.

What I said about my mom is only part of what it was like, there is much more but for sakes of privacy, I won't go into it all but just know I was one perpetually conflicted young lady.  I was in no size, shape, nor form ever taught how to be my own best friend.  I still am not good at that.  I can scorn the crap out of myself but not know how to be gentle with myself.  I did not mirror it.  That's what parents do and that's how we learn.  I did not get that.

Do you know what it's like trying to cling to someone that really can't stand you?  It's horrible.  It's excruciating.  That is what the relationship with my mother felt like.  I was pushed away, over and over, and over, again.  Children don't understand this.  They just keep trying.  Shoot adults don't understand sometimes.  Especially when it's a basic need.  So what do we do?  We TRY HARDER!!  We hurt ourselves in the process.  Sometimes very deeply.  I know today that I have hundreds of scars from that relationship.

I'm still healing.  I always will be.  The very sad part of this is that I meet (in relationships) people just like my mother.  People that reject me, that tell me in one way or anther that I don't matter - and that are narcissistic (most of the time).  I really despise this.  We are attracted to what is familiar..... unfortunately.

Yesterday brought up some old issues of my dependency on people for strength.  I need to find the courage and confidence inside myself first and foremost.  The problem being, I'm not sure how to do this.  Oh I know how to get by - but not how to excel even when things are tough.  I don't know that I have a strong inner core without a safety net.  God has always been with me, but I haven't always trusted Him either.  I'm ashamed to say that.  Hence, it is the truth.  There's always that thought in the back of my head --- perhaps He'll fail me too.  I know that this is awful but with my history - I always wait for the other shoe to fall.

My debacle is what do I do with this information?  It has my guts torn up, and my head spinning.  I've  known all of this, but after yesterdays eval and the information that I gleaned it's all fresh again.  I feel like I'm right back at square one.  I know that I'm not but it sure feels like it.

I'd taken a vow sometime back that my mom wasn't going to rule my life any longer.  I wish it were that easy because this thing is multilayered.  I've come a long way at healing many of the parts that she damaged - but it would seem that I'm down to the core of this issue.  When I can't figure something out I get frightened, plain and simple ; fear evokes anger in me.  I suppose it's a powerlessness of sorts, and I'll be damned if I'm going to have another area in my life where I'm powerless.  I'm just not.

The bible tells me that I'm not of this world.  It tells me that I have an heavenly Father now and a new family, the family of God.  I loose sight of my faith when I get into this stuff.  I think that I have to work all of this our on my own, and the truth is that I just don't.  God will direct my paths.  I am responsible for my effort, and my attitude towards the healing and change.  However Jesus is the ultimate authority of it all.  I don't know why I went through what I did in my family.  I suppose in the long and short of it, it doesn't matter.  All that matters is that I have the faith to make it through this, and to learn to be good to myself.  Yes it was awful and I've only written a small portion of what it was like.  Emotional blackmail is never productive on either party.  Children are not to be used as pawns in relationships - EVER.  This has been an issue that has haunted me through out my life.  However I know that God can and has been healing me.

I don't hate my mom.  I never really have, what would that solve?  WE only can do what we know how to do.  Somewhere in there she was only doing what she knew how to do..... or she was responding to a truth that she believed.  Somehow she felt that my father cared more for me that he did her.  She acted accordingly.... it doesn't make the things that she did right, it will never make them right.  Yet, I have to look beyond the symptoms of the person to the spirit.  She wasn't all bad.  She had tons of insecurities.  That is what fueled her.  I have them, and I know how I respond when I'm under that pressure.  She's tried every religion in the book.  I so wish that I could have introduced her to grace and it could've  stuck.  She might have had a chance to heal too.   She is very tortured to this day in a nursing home, with dementia.  I go see her from time to time and it's okay.  Since we talked in 2012 we're closer now.  She acknowledged that she was a bad mother to me.  I guess I kind of needed that in a way - but I think she needed to say it more.  I feel for her.  I have compassion for her.  This lets me know that I've come a distance with this because I used to really despise her.  Thank God for answered prayers of forgiveness.  I never would have dreamed that I could have been her caregiver for eight months but I did it.  I grew too - but leaps and bounds.  I forget that.

This life thing is hard sometimes with it's emotional ups and downs.  Issues ebb and flow like the crooks and crannies of a river.  I just have to slow myself down and remember that everything takes time, and trusting God.  Maybe this isn't something that I can do myself - but that the Lord is going to have to direct in my life.  Perhaps I'm just going to have to be patient.  And trust.  That's something that I don't do well, trust.  Safety isn't an easy thing for me, I have always made things happen in my  life.  This time, it's just not going to work.

Father God remove from me the bondages of my past.  Free me from all dependencies on people that can fail me and direct me to depend solely upon you.  I give You the emotional wreckage I carry daily - because I cannot bare it alone.  I crave Your peace as You have given it to us.  In Jesus precious name, Amen.

Pain, separation, grief, and grace.

I'm not the type of person that looses people well.  I just don't.  I guess none of us do, depending upon the relationship.  There's varying degrees of loss and it's affect on us.  We loose people in life, I suppose it just happens.  This does not make it any less painful, or easier to overcome.

As with anything it's in the perception.  As I was writing I thought to myself, unless it's a death, you don't really "loose" people, they are just in different places - and the relationship just changes or alters... but we still have to psychologically adapt.  This is where I've been, trying to adapt to such changes and it has been one devil of a road.  I thought I could handle it better, "thought" being the operative word here -- than what I actually did.  Sometimes people have such an impact upon us - that we do not actually realize the depth until they are no longer in our lives.  That has been the case with me.  It is so painful now that I actually don't want to write about it.  I know that I must, so I forge on.

My beloved Pastor of about four years left our church in April of this year.  I thought I was going to be okay.  However in the last few months, I've found out that I have not been able to handle this - and I've really digressed.  The thing that has taken me so was how this has hit me.  The denial that I had about it all and how the grief has surfaced, has really taken me by surprise.  As much as I know about grief from the loss of my beloved father -- and a close friend, we (I have learned) never really know all that there is to know about how grief affects us.  The long and short of it is that I've been devastated.  What I don't know is - was it because of the was I handled it, or was it just how it presented itself in my life?  Well, I know that part of it I have to own, for my dysfunction is part in parcel.

There's only been a couple of people in my life that have majorly impacted me.  Ah, there's been a few that have given me great gifts, but when someone gives you something so precious that you have an internalization of truth, it's impossible to explain -- as it should be.  I've written blog after blog of what this man has given me in grace.  Knowledge, beauty, and truth that was there all the time, I just couldn't see it without his eyes.  I also know now too - as I've struggled my entire life to believe that God really does love me, (as a lot of us do) what an inordinate gift from God this was.  The teaching that I received, the fellowship, the friendship, and the honor of this mans presence was a gift straight from God.  A gift so precious how could I not grieve?  It was likened to a velvet box straight from heaven above with a vision of Jesus like I'd never seen Jesus.  Something that I'd yearned for my entire life.

I was in a horrible situation when I found Midland Church.  I was the caregiver for my Mother who has dementia, under the Hitler like rule of my OCD brother who is a rage-a-holic.  I had been evicted from my own father's house by my brother because I wouldn't pay bills and be a 24-7 caregiver.  He and my other brother stripped the house of food, and anything that they thought I might need or could use prior to putting me out.  These are nasty dysfunctional people, who have had hatred towards me my entire life.  I moved in one day.  I'd been going to a Baptist church nearby - and praying reverently.  God delivered me.  He completely answered my prayers - and led me to Midland and Pastor Paul White's grace church.  I'd been under such condemnation, shame, and I was physically ill from the abuse.  God gave me a miracle.  Grace is a miracle.

I used to leave Midland church after my pastor preached elevated off the ground.  Many times I've floated out of that church... so taken by the vision of Jesus that I would never be the same.  I learned to rest, and be a peace no matter what may come in my life - because my Jesus SITS at the right hand of God.  Pastor taught me, and I searched for myself -- what the scriptures reveal.  I was a shame based person, but no more.   This was my gift from God.  However the message of grace is so needed in the world, Pastor evangelized more and more.  I knew that he would leave eventually and that day finally came.  He taught me that everything has a season.   Yet and still, letting go is so hard.  Who would want to let go of something so glorious?  No one.  I'd gotten quite close with Pastor, and would go and see him from time to time - his anointing so great I wanted to be near him.  I'd share my truths about life, and he'd listen.  I felt like one of his flock.  It was a really beautiful time in my life, and it felt safe.  I haven't felt safe much in my life.  Especially not after my dad died.  I suppose this is why I clung to Pastor so.

I am not happy with myself but I also know that grief will sometimes bring out the worst in us.  I've made some mistakes - as I've been trying to find Jesus by myself.  I may never find him like that again, and I have to accept this.  I still cry, hard.  It's okay.  It was a precious time in my life.  I learned so much.  I wish I knew all of the answers but if I did I wouldn't need God. (Lend not on your own understanding)  I haven't told pastor how hard this has been for me, nor the mistakes that I've made.  However I know that he'd tell me that God wasn't mad at me and that Jesus still loved me no matter what.  I don't know why it is that when I'm hurting I run the opposite way from God, and some how think that He can't possibly understand - my goodness what Jesus went through for us.  I guess we dehumanize Jesus and God all the time.  Maybe it's natural - but I don't like it.  I get angry with myself for vacillating between my flesh and my spirt man.  Yet I know that even the apostle Paul said that the things that he did not want to do he did... and the things that he wanted to do, he did not.  I'm human.

Grieving is difficult no matter what the loss.  I watch people go through it all the time.  I've been through it and some of my crappiest behavior comes out.  I don't like this.  God knows it.  I'm just so thankful, grateful that His mercy is new every morn.  I'm so grateful that I didn't fall back into my old behaviors any further than I did.  It was bad enough.  I'm back where I need to be, or getting there - and healing.  I have to remember that I was trying to help someone when I got lost.  I just wasn't strong enough at the time to help.  Boy, I really dislike being vulnerable at times.  It can be the root of all evil.  People sense that I think, and I know that satan does - and that is all the credit that you'll ever hear me give him.  Christ defeated him!!!

These last few days have been a blessing.  Yeah, I hurt.  It hurts a lot.  I miss my pastor so badly.  He may never know what he and his message meant to me after a life of shame, guilt, and remorse.  He is just a man, a very special man indeed - sent to me as a direct gift from Jesus Himself.  It's going to take me a while to get over this.  However, God did not take away the gift.  This is what I have to know.  Things change - and I meant what I said when he went away -- others need what he gave me.  I'm not selfish, and I want the grace message to be spread throughout the world.  I'd never begrudge someone of what I've received.  People out there are praying that same prayer that I did - and need him too.

I will forever be a student of life and the Lord.  I'm hard headed.  I'm lazy too - to an extent.  Pastor had fed me Jesus like no other in my entire life.  The four years I went to Midland church were unlike anything I've ever experienced, and will probably again (not to limit God).  However, I must now seek to find.  If I am to have the kind of relationship that I truly want with Jesus then I have to  pay homage to it.  It's just like any other relationship, it takes dedication.  Not works, but I can't just sit around and wish for it, like God is some kind of Genie.  No it takes devotion for me.  It's more than just prayer time, which is important no less, but there's more to it that this.

 It's really simple, what you put in is what you get out.  If I want to know Him more then I must seek Him out.  It's not rocket science and it's not magic.  I know that grace is what holds me together.  It is a free gift and it will always be there.  I am the daughter of the Most High, and I am made righteous in Jesus Christ.  This is my identity, this is what Pastor Paul taught me.  The grief caught me off guard, but I know now what I need to do.  I totally believe that everything is our teacher, especially the most painful stuff.  Pastor's teaching continues, and I watch - no it's not the same as when I could get a hug and hear him tell me that he loves me - but I know this in my heart.  I just have to trust that things are the way that they are because this is what the Lord wants.  I'll see him again.  It's just that for now he's about my Father's business.  Actually I wouldn't have it any other way.  I've made some mistakes, but never to fret, they're covered by grace.  I just forgot who I was for a little while because of the grief.  Praise be to my Jesus, because of what He did at the cross - my spirit is flawless!

Medication madness.

I firmly consider myself to be a spiritual person.  If you've read my blog - you know that at one time in my life, I was very deeply into the grace movement.  Since my pastor moved, I've been struggling greatly and this doesn't say much for my faith.  Although I've had to learn the hard way that faith isn't about feelings --- I don't know if everyone gets that.  Faith is about believing, and living your life in accordance to that.  I'm not sure that this was how I was raised though.  But I digress.

I've been on three different medication changes in the last three months for depression and anxiety.  It makes for quite the difficulty in balance in one's life - emotionally, mentally, and physically.  If anyone had any doubt about whether or not these are serious issues, depression alone has cost me sleep (years of lost sleep) physical changes, mental stability, ability to eat food, vomiting, and uncharacteristic aggressiveness.  One feels like a slave to it's affects - and really we are.

I was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder  in 1991 in Minneapolis, Minnesota.  I'd just finished counseling school at St. Mary's Campus of the College of St. Catherine in St. Paul, Mn.  I couldn't find a (counseling) job to save my life.  My student loans were coming due.  I was working two jobs.  All I could dream about was saving the world.  I was on fire with the passion of doing my dream job.  I was sober, and had been since June 1, 1986.  I graduated in May  1991.  I was on fire.  I had no reason to become depressed.  I had fulfilled a dream, I'd been an excellent student.  I had far exceeded my own expectations of myself - with a few bobbles.  I took one C because of a Professor didn't like a paper that I'd written and I refused to redo it.  All else A's and B's.  3.8 GPA.  It blew my mind.  I had almost failed high school.  The only thing that I excelled in was shorthand and band.  I never really tried  - I was always high.  I started getting high when I was 11.  I took my first drink at the ripe age of eleven.  I was smoking pot in 6th grade.   I was using pills addictively by age 14.


Depression hit me hard.  I did not know what was happening to me, even though I was educated.  It's strange like that. I utilized every tool that I knew -- I was going to AA and I almost begged people to tell me, help me but no one had any answers it seemed.  I was in a relationship and it made it a living hell.  I was on prozac  and various other medications and did not have prescription insurance.   You can imagine how that went over.  The side affects are always worrisome.  It's a tradeoff.  You either be depressed or live with the side affects.  I had eight different med changes in the beginning.  It was a living nightmare.  People do not even begin to understand what depression is like.  It is much like your own Psyche betrays you.  Your thoughts lie to you.  Your brain begins to tell you things that aren't true.  They aren't nice things.  You have to fight not to believe them.  It's a living hell.

I'm at the same turn, very grateful for my meds.  I've always been one to take my medication religiously.  I guess it's as simple as wanting to be happy.  I have a friend who is very depressed right now.  He has been for several years - he believes all of his life.  I don't know that I agree with this.  I remember a time when he was happy.  At least he seemed to be.  He has no idea how my heart goes out to him - I've tried everything I possibly can to reach him.  He just won't budge.  I've never known someone like him of such steel will.  He will not change.  Just refuses.  It' such a shame.  He lives with suicidal thought every day.  I can't help him.  I sure hope God does, soon.  It's awful watching him suffer.

My last debacle has been this last three months (or so) with these last three meds.  I was extremely nauseated for a month and a half and threw up several times.  Despite they're best efforts to control it.  The problem with that med was it made me a little manic (if there is such a thing).  Oh I had lots of energy like I'd not ever had before but my spending and behavior got out of control.  I did things that were completely out of character for me.  Even as I write this, finding my ability to write is a sign that I'm getting better and I know now that I'm going to be okay.  It's awful to feel out of control.  People don't understand it and they judge it.  We fear what we don't understand.  It's just a normal reaction for most.  One must be fairly enlightened to not be afraid of something they don't understand.  Either that or they've been down a road or two themselves.

I sure hope this new med doesn't make me feel like a zombie.  I hate that.  I'm still in the increase process.  So far so good.  Man, a road or two I've been down folks.  I'm just grateful to be coming out of the woods.  This particular med does have a few side affects, they all do, but they aren't bad - at least I can feel.  That's the one that kills me, when I can't feel normal feelings.  I've been on some that have changed me so much that said friends have told me "you're not yourself!"  I didn't even know.   That's scary.   I actually spend several years on some meds that weren't right for me.  I did not know.

Depression is hard to explain.  There's times when it comforts me.  There's lots of times I abhor it.  The thing is it's always there.  It never has totally gone away for me.  It' like a second skin.  Overshadowing my life.  Affecting my day to day.  With some meds it doesn't affect me much at all and others more - but it is a constant companion.  I think back now, and I think it's always been there. It just got really bad in 1991.  I'm very grateful for meds - as much as they are difficult at times.  I miss sleep the most.  I only sleep about 3-4 hours a night most nights because of one of my meds and it's been this way for years.  I've taken every sleeping pill in the book.  I know that it highly affects my memory and ability to do things, but I don't know what to do about it -  I have to have it.  That one is surely  a love hate relationship!

The truly hard part is the emotions.  Some of the meds make you feel numb.  It's really hard to feel connected to God when you're numb.  That's why I opened this up about faith and feelings.  It took me a long time to learn that and with help from Pastor Paul.  I understand it now, but I won't tell you that feelings do help faith.  It helps to feel hopeful.  That's for sure.  There is nothing like those goose pimple moments to let you know your alive.  There is nothing like feelings of awe and wonder.  I'm all for those.   I love that.  I'm beginning to feel a lot better despite lack of sleep.  It feels so good to write.  It's actually beginning to feel good to be alive again and that's what it's all about.  Thanks be to God for getting me through this, even though it's not over yet.  I've still got things to face.  Yet, somehow today it feels like it might just be okay.   It doesn't seems as devastating as it did yesterday. Praise God for progress.

Life sure feels like that sometimes... despite the physicality of it all, I don't know that I'd change any of it - it makes me, me.  I suppose what matters in the end is progress, even if it's a step or two forward and three back.  I keep getting up.  We all know what Confucius  says - "Fall down seven times, get up eight."  

Consequences.

People blow my mind.  The older that I get, and the longer that I live it seems as I let people into my life - they tear a path right through it.  They seems to have no qualms about ripping my emotions or my heart into screeds.  Perhaps it's the type of people that I meet, but I cannot figure out how it is that someone is to know a person is destructive prior to getting to know them.  Oh, of course there's little inclinations along the way - and this is my fault for not taking heed.  Perhaps this is why the world is so tightly nit, and shut down.  It's dangerous out there.

Let me back up.  When my pastor left for California - I was (putting it mildly) devastated.  After having been fed weekly and bi-weekly by one of the most beautiful grace preachers in all of my life, and to have that just taken away - I was not prepared.  I thought I could handle it.  'Thought' being the operative word.  I have not handled it well AT ALL.  I've had a deep sense of abandonment, and a buried sense of grief.  The grief was so deep that it would only pop up at certain times.  It would be very cathartic when it did, but it would shock me, and all the while I've been going through several medication changes.  I think I've been working so hard at "being okay" which I have to do because of the chronic pain that I have, that I just wasn't feeling at all.  This is a big no-no for me.  It is very important for me to stay in touch with my feelings.  I've not been able to write at all.  This toppled with a medication that had me throwing up everyday for over a month did not help.

I did not know what to do with this grief that felt somewhat inappropriate.  By this I mean, I'm not supposed to get that attached to a human being.  You know what?  I did.  He's not just any human being - he was my pastor.  I relied on him for many things.  I use to go to him for counsel, spiritual feedings, and truth.  Not everyone, or just anyone can give you - or will give you that.  It was a huge hole in my life.  It still is.  Somehow in there I lost Jesus...  I don't even like admitting that - but it is the truth.  I didn't loose Him, I lost sight of Him.  We never loose Jesus.  Jesus lives inside of me, but I was grief stricken, and heartbroken.  When I feel like this it is really hard for me to sense the Holy Spirit, and I usually end up distancing myself --- only making the circumstance worse.  I am then running on feelings, and I am a mess.  I spend to much, I make bad decisions.  When I do that - I feel bad, and I usually end up doing even worse.  It was at this point that I met my new friend.  Oh, was I ripe for it.  As I look back now I know unequivocally that the dark one knows my vulnerabilities and surely had me right were he wanted me.  And we all know that he comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

She began by complimenting me.  Then came the sad story of needing help.  She got me hook, line, and sinker.  I referred her to the place where I go for counseling.  She took the number and said she's always wanted to go.  I don't know if at this point that was a lie, or what  - but she had no intention of going to counseling.  She's a thief.  That's right, the kind of woman that has three men funding her at one time.  Dozens of lies, fraud doesn't faze her, as long as she gets her money.  I've never seen anything like it.  I got caught up in that nightmare.... for a little while.  It didn't take me long to figure out what was going on there.  She was good though, and for a while, I was attracted to her, her money and her life.  Before I knew the depth of it, I even kind of envied her ability to manipulate these men, and get money at the drop of a hat.  The funny thing that happened though is what I think happens with the rest of the people that she gets involved with is that I began to have feeling for her too.  She says it's a curse, but she sure utilizes it to her advantage.  She's unlike anything, or anyone I've ever seen, a master at her craft.  They're always easy on the eyes.

It will be a long time before I let anyone else into my life.  Despite my loneliness.  I've got consequences from the very brief time that I was associated with her.  I even tried to back away from her before I was able, and told her straight up that she was too dangerous for me.  I guess she'd developed feelings for me too because she called crying saying that she missed me and I was sucked back in.  Only for a short time, but long enough to know I wasn't strong enough to stay healthy and be involved with her.  The sad thing is it was so opposite of who I am, it makes me so sad.  Now I have to clean up what I've done.

Sometimes I wonder at 53 if I'll make mistakes the rest of my life.  I guess I will.... to a certain degree.  I guess we all do.  I know that there are things that I 'm not dealing with.  I've not dealt with them in years, and it's time.  I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason, and I guess there was a reason that this happened.  I don't much like it nor what it has brought to my life, nor do I even know all the ramifications yet.  To be completely honest, I'm frightened.  This is what happens when you do things that you know are outside of your comfort zone.  There's consequences.  So I may need friends, but I don't need friends that badly.  I sure did not know.  However, when I did I didn't get out fast enough.  It's amazing how quickly bad behavior can take you over (me anyway) and feel good for awhile.  I'm such an addict.  I've never made any qualms about that.  I messed up --- I messed up bad.  The ramifications of it may be far reaching.  Beyond what I can imagine.  I'm devastated.

I was honest with my Psych and now I'm looking at treatment again - and I've been spending like mad.  I've got a spending problem.  I'm going to blog another post about what I've been through with medication but I think I was a bit manic there for awhile as I was on my second med change (I'm on my third).  This is so hard.  Oh well.  When you push the boundaries - thing happen that are out of your control.  I have to keep telling myself that no matter what happens it's only temporary.  God's still got me.  Yeah, I screwed up.  It's not the end of the world.  I have to get back to my faith.  If you pray - say one for me......

I still believe in mankind I alway will.  It's just who I am.  The part that was so hard for me to let go of with her is that I knew why she was doing what she was doing.  It was all motivated by pain.  She was in so much pain most of the time she couldn't even sit still for more that 15-20 minutes at a time.  She'd just lost her sister and her nephew (in a house fire)  and didn't have a clue how to deal with that grief added on to a lifetime of damage.  My problem is my heart aches for these kinds of folks.  I am one of these folks.  I've just been fortunate enough to get help with my history and the madness that I have gone through.  Not everyone is lucky/blessed like that and they simply run through their lives on total empty.  I tried to help my friend.  The draw was too strong and I got sucked down in to her pain.   My pain obviously was showing too.  I don't judge her, don't ever get me wrong, I don't agree with a lot of what she did and does, but I cannot judge her.  I've done to much myself to ever judge.  Now I just find myself crying and praying for her because she isn't a bad person.  She is just very misguided and needs help.  I wish I could have provided that help instead of caving the way that I did.  That makes me sad.  The fact that I have gotten such consequences so quickly lets me know actually that God does love me. I cannot tell you why or how long it's going to take me to get that.

I'm the lucky one.  If I have to go to treatment, I guess I will.  I've made an appointment with a new therapist to deal with somethings that should have been dealt with when my dad passed.  I listen to people tell me things that did not fit with what I needed.  I also have to finish this grief and figure out what to do with this hole in my life.  If people only knew what all I've been through - it's pretty astonishing really.  When I look back God's always made a way.  He's made a way when there was none.  He'll do it again.  Of this, I'm sure.  Consequences, or not.