Always Jesus

Hitting bottom is different for all of us. Some, like myself -- we're so hard-headed - we seem to just not get enough - and we do it on and off throughout life.  No, I'm not trying to beat myself mercilessly - I'm just being honest. I am a creature that has to learn the hard way --- I'm not proud of it, I certainly wish it were not the case - and I'm ready to lay down the part of me that seems to push that envelope of self-will run riot.  It's peculiar because there are so many areas in my life where I know and love the art of surrender- and I have accepted that in this lifetime - powerlessness is something that we all must come to terms with. I suppose it is the "kind" of powerlessness I truly struggle with.  

I am a "robust" woman. I know those of you who are reading this that know me, you're laughing-- and thinking, AH, YEAH! I thought of a name for those of us that think way too much, feel too much (whatever that is)- are too passionate, too talkative, overly sensitive, and just downright "a bit more" kind of folks -- I think the word, "zesties" is kind of cool.  I am certainly not offended by it, hell, I know I am a handful at times. I have a time with my dang self. However, I love my disposition, I love my spirit, my drive, and my inner strength.  I wouldn't change me, for anything -- well, perhaps my difficulty in dealing with those damn painful feelings - and how hard I fall when I lose people. 

People leave. I was never really taught that. It kind of bewildered me and I'm still working on this. I struggle with an attachment disorder (more one actually) from not bonding with my mother.  I have what is called "anxious-avoidant" attachment disorder.  I have problems with relationships and friendships. I was not able to learn how properly because my essential one with my mother was so traumatic. I experienced an emotionally neglectful, and nurture starved childhood. We learn how to have relationships through a healthy bond, where we feel safe and secure in the relationship with our mothers. This was not only nonexistent in my experience, but it was also abusive. I grew up afraid, sometimes terrified with deep feelings of shame because all children know when they're rejected like I was is that it has to be because something is wrong with them.  I was bad, not mommy.  

It took years to get her voice out of my head, and still years longer to get the demon that was created worse still I had speaking horrible criticism and shame to myself. I was ten times harder on myself than my mom ever was.  I had had almost 20 years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I was a trained counselor myself before I had the courage to confront my mother about the comments she would make about my weight, my clothes, and everything else. It's insane how much power one person can have when we don't understand what fear is, what it does to us, how it works on us, and in us.  

It was damn near impossible with my family history of Chemical Dependency - generations, at least three, if not four -- and my complete lack of a sense of self -- what I mean by this is --- I was a HULL of a person.  Oh, I was there - but no one but the critic was home. All that existed in me was what I "thought" I should be, what I "sensed" other people expected, and what my fear propelled me to do.  I literally lived in a perpetual state of one frightened reaction after another.  I had no idea what I wanted, who I was, or anything of what might pertain to having a sense of self, or a soul.  

Now, you may ask, how could this be?  Living in a constant state of fear, rejection, and just more anticipation of those things - is living in a war zone.  There is NO SAFETY to become who you are.  It's just impossible.  So, I hid. I ran. I've avoided. Throughout my life rather than deal with all of this pain, I'VE NUMBED MYSELF.  Why on earth wouldn't I? Who in the world would want to have to face that kind of betrayal, shame, or absolute unimaginable pain?  

Yet, I've done the best I could, and here I sit. Twenty-six years of therapy later - and I've hit bottom again.  I don't really judge myself - to what end?  I have enough other people who do that for me.  There are some scars that are so deep it takes a lifetime to heal, and some never heal completely.  The best anyone can do is know that the scars are badges of honor and places God has filled the deep crevasses with pure gold.  

I am not the sum total of my history, despite that suffering sometimes hits again and lessons have, have to be relearned.  Pema Chodron also says, "The pain will leave you when the lesson is learned." I'm almost positive that's the quote - and I wholeheartedly believe this. I have looked fear in the face, but I've also gone to far with it- and pushed the envelope and dared it - an this is never good.  I have been defiant, leaned on my understanding - and pushed God away - especially during times of great pain.  Somehow when I'm hurting the most - something clicks in me, and I no longer trust Jesus.  It's not a conscious decision, it's as if the level of emotional pain just shuts me down to everything and every source of light I allow in - I begin to go straight to intellect, and damn these feelings.  My brain knows exactly how to fix this -- CHEMICALS R US.  It's been this way since I was eleven years old. I do know now living in a constant state of chaos and terror has produced my PTSD. I know now - what triggers it.

Alas, this last juncture - I made the worst decisions I've ever made.  Here I sit, in silence, in complete defeat.  Oh, I have tons of reasons, and plenty of sorrows. I've spend too much time on that already.  I've lost about three years of my life, it's passed by - if not longer - isolated, around few people and the people who I did see (with exceptions of course) just mostly abused and battered me because I didn't protect myself.  I walked into a world I knew nothing about, and it ate me alive.  In the quest for numbness and euphoria, I traded my dignity, my belongings, my values, my friends, and my family.  Most of all I hurt myself. 

Isn't that just paradoxical?  In the endeavor to not feel pain, I made more excruciating pain -- and created loss like never before.  

RECOVERY

I'm not going back. I'm stopping looking backwards. I don't live there anymore.  I am going to speak new truths, new word, new life into my new existence NOW!! 

I have used up my rights to a chemically free peace of mind.  I choose to live/abide/dwell/proclaim the perfect peace of Christ Jesus.  I am HIS! 

I have what He says I have, I abide in Him, not in my circumstances, and I am loved beyond my wildest dreams, my life has just begun.  

In Jesus Name, Amen. 

All Gods Grace and Favor to you!! One moment at a time, just begin right where you are, He's already there!! 

G.

My Robe of Victory

There's much to be said of courage and strength. Overcoming battles be it of the mind, body, or soul, all take their toll.  The current circumstances I'm enduring now and have been being one I pray profusely - I never know of another woman ever having to endure.  I've been asked many times over, "how are you holding all of that together?!" I try my best to answer, and I answer as best I am able, "it's by the grace of God because otherwise, I don't know."  

I was assaulted, gagged, bound, and terrorized by someone I cared for - for over two hours on July 4th, 2019.  No charges were ever filed and will be filed.  I have had to accept the unacceptable in these matters, I have a grand total of nine felonies against this man.  No charges pending, there's always been this matter of "lack of evidence."  I'm quite certain he's being protected by law enforcement. I've lost more than one can imagine, besides nearly my mind.  I've been treated like garbage basically by the local law enforcement - like I'm the repeat felon - and I do not even have a parking ticket to my name, but if drugs are involved, you're a piece of excrement.  But he's not and he deals it.  

I over the course of almost three years, at which he spent one of them in prison, his third-round - mind you - a repeat offender, with warrants as I write -- a DUI for driving while under the influence -- with a revoked license?  Wouldn't you put someone like that (with active warrants, no less?) in jail?  

No, not this lucky charm, he's untouchable.  Damn. 

He's terrorized me in my home, he found someone intelligent enough to clone my phone, harassing me through that medium, I'd watch as the settings changed with my phone in my hand, pictures just deleted, and every email address hacked, and sheaths places over the real account so I was unable to even access my accounts, password changes numerous times a day.  

This blog was made inaccessible to me.  They changed the initial email address to log into the main admin page, taking me nearly a year to find.  I've spent copious hours with Apple care and my apple ID because they breached my home computer.  NO one believed me, and I was basically laughed at.  My phone was monitored constantly messages he didn't want to send, were not, numbers he didn't want me to have - like to the sexual abuse advocate?  DELETED.  

HE IS A MONSTER 

A living, breathing, nothing better to do with his life than to try and ruin mine, because I'M STRONGER THAN HE'LL EVER BE.  

This was the presuppose of his whole plot.  Beat me down mentally Physically and emotionally - and try to destroy me.  

Man cannot destroy what God has claimed as His own.  

Isiah 54:17

As this blog as my witness, my strength had nothing to do with him, but he wanted to master over it, but being he could not, he settled for attempting to hurt me anyway he knew how.  He's a small man because he made that choice. Only a small-minded man would have made such a decision. 

I've endured so much that at this writing I feel as if I will be ill, the ramifications so vast.  My addiction soared, my consequences so high, I am still trying to overcome.  

BUT...

I'm still breathing, still striving, still not giving up, and I'll not be defeated by someone who will never know what it is to overcome one's deepest darkness at the center of their soul.  I've met my souls ugliest, I've cried until I thought I'd die, I've grieved for months, YEARS on end.  Courage and tenacity are a staple in Gina's life.  Courage is NOT in the absence of fear.  Feel that shit and do it anyways.  Fear is nothing but emotional energy and it lies. 

This is a representation of the robe I escaped in and wore to the hospital when I was taken to do the rape kit.  I brought it home yesterday from evidence.  I am making it my badge of honor.  Yes, it's difficult to look at, to stomach, to feel all that goes with this garment.  But, this is a concrete representation of an extremely horrific reality for me.  This is what drug addiction does for you.  These types of consequences are what associating with criminals and people who have no value for you, does for you.  This is my reality.  

No, I did not and would never deserve what happened to me, and I'm not finished yet in my pursuit of justice, because I've been wronged.  The evidence bag had never been unsealed.  Strange huh? There were articles in the pockets of this robe, which I find very strange.  So much of what DID NOT happen as far as law enforcement is concerned on my welfare and behalf, is beyond defying all reality.  I do not believe in the agony of waiting six months of "evidence to process," do I believe any evidence was ever sent in.  

There are days, I just can't.  I can't function, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I cannot participate in my own life.  It's called PTSD.  I'm fully aware of what needs to be done, it runs through my mind, which makes things worse.  Knowing you need to take care of a million things yet being unable to move, is horrible.  Your status is "breathing".  It's the absolute best I can do many days yet.  But you know what? It's perfectly okay.  They're becoming less and less.  Praise God.  

I'm SOBER.  I'm changing, and I'm growing, and I'm overcoming this nightmare.  I'm not staying in this pit of hell.  I don't belong here, I never really did, and I know now I'm so much stronger than I EVER REALISED!!  I have so often throughout caring for this man and being so brutally rejected, his cruelty unparalleled, and his outright hatred towards me incomprehensible - the emotional pain from all of these daggers to my psyche - man have they taught me immeasurable lessons.  These things, each and everyone are direct descendants to core issues of my childhood, my deepest and most heinous deficiencies of the nurturing, care, and lack of attachment that I experienced from my mother are all tied up in this nightmare.  Even after Twenty-six years of self-examination and my best attempts at healing through traditional therapy - I've came a LONG way - yet still, the wound exists. I have had a reckoning, one which I believe I knew - it is not I who can heal myself -- until I release this pit of hell within my soul that perpetually tells me, "you'll never be enough", and allow God to move in my life-- I will always feel empty.  I will reach for chemical fulfillment over and over, albeit food, sex, shopping, or drugs.  See, my broken tools will never work, but His Perfect Work is all that can.  An.... 

It Is Finished.  

I've been whole this entire time.  I just have had a hard time accepting His Gift.

Understanding its totality is sometimes hard for us mere humans.  His Gift of Grace, Mercy, and Unfathomable Love is kind of beyond the comprehension of our minds. 

So although I don't know that I'd done with seeking as to why I don't deserve justice, and he is allowed to just face no punishment - I must put some kind of rest within myself to this nightmare within myself.  I must trust in God's justice.  I have to keep moving forward.  I have to have hope in my life, and in my future. I have things to do, and I have women (and men) to encourage, strengthen, and build up - because of my story - and my suffering-- someone, somewhere, can avoid or overcome what I have endured.  

All of life is circular, everything including this earth revolves. 

I'm so grateful for recovery, so grateful to be clear-minded despite the battles that I have at times.  I wish some of the people in my life understood more and had a bit more patience with me, but they've not walked through the pits of hell like I have.  The ones that do understand, I cherish and you know who you are.  I praise God for you, and because of you-- I gain strength to go forward despite the anger, the rage, and the indifference I feel some days.  Never ever doubt the loyalty, dedication, and strides a true friend makes towards you when you're at your weakest and at you're darkest days.  It's God in a human suit.  I'm certain of it.  I'm so humbled.  

Now, this right here - this song means so much to me, I love Mary J. Blige so much - and this right here?  It's everything.  I'm going to soar once I get through this all.  Make no mistake, I'm not bound to this ground, no, God's got so much in store for me, see this is why I'm here.  I've got great things to do yet, I know it in my soul.  Great sorrow and great pain brings about great leadership, and I've found miraculous recoveries.  My life is full of miracles, and He ain't done yet.  I haven't come down this far -- and suffered this much to settle for nothing - God always has a purpose behind the pain.  I have so much to give of wisdom, encouragement, uplifting, and promise of grand hope inside of me, and I'm not even halfway healed yet -- can you imagine when my life really gets set on solid ground what kind of force for goodness, truth, and inspiration to be reckoned with is in me?  Yeah, me too. 

I've been lead to the same scriptures in Mark, Matthew, and Luke - who having a lamp places it under a stand? (Paraphrase mine)  I have randomly opened my bible four times in a row, so I am pressed to believe God's telling me something.  I'm sure listening.  I'm going to obey this time.

This song as I began to illude to above, says so much.  I hope you enjoy it and I hope you listen.  It goes out to all of you -- and I'm singing to myself.  

"Doubt" is a song recorded by American singer Mary J. Blige from her twelfth studio album The London Sessions. It was written by Blige and English musician Sam Romans, while production was helmed by Romans and American record producer Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins.

"You think you know me,
But you don't know the half,
You said I'd never be someone,
You think you beat me down,
But I'll have the last laugh,
I'll keep getting up going,
Cause that's what I was born to do,
I'm gonna be the best me,
I'm sorry if it kills you."

Thanks for hanging in with me, please share this -- for other women who've been assaulted and have had to accept the unacceptable.  So they will know they're not alone.  Justice doesn't always appear in ways we think it will.  May those of us who receive it in different forms be able to accept healing as it comes and not reject it because of its packaging!! I have tried to control how I wanted it for months now, and it's nearly defeated me, and my healing is in the surrender.
That's how I'm getting through.  Learn who you can talk to, and who's just not able to hear your pain. It's not that they don't care, sometimes they just don't know-how.  God bless them.

NO MATTER WHAT, YOU MUST HEAL.

God's precious Grace and Glorious Favor to you all --
Be Blessed in your comings and goings, in all you do.
Amen.
love,
G.

Glitter's End

I struggled with knowing whether to begin a whole new blog or to continue with this one, and I thought to myself "you've worked so hard, continue what you began years ago." So here I am, newly sober again, struggling with life on life's terms - shaky even at times, not even believing some of the events that have taken place --- but I have to accept what is or I'll get high again.  Some days are really tough, and I'll explain the best way I know how - I'm going to be as transparent as I can find words to- an open book the program calls it --- I want folks to understand this disease I have - so that they'll know that LOVE has nothing to do with a CHOICE - if it did, there would be nothing to speak of powerlessness. You see when we are powerless it means for the addict WE HAVE NO CHOICE - we must use - it's in our DNA - it is mine, if not for Jesus Christ - I'd be high now --- I love it, it soothes everything in my damn system, my pain (emotional, mental, physical, and) my rational mind.  That first few seconds of pure bliss when that meth hits my bloodstream - I am in heaven, absolute friggin heaven.  Everything feels right with the world!!!! I got NO problems, of ANY kind, not now, not ever. Time stands still. 

Yes, you'll pay damn near any price for that. And you do. I have. I did. 

Welcome back. So Glad you're here. 

     

Never and Always. 

Two opposites of the same spectrum. I have stopped saying either one of them. To me their setups for failure. Not just any failure, oh no, major life-altering disillusionment. 

I said with a tinge of judgment -- which 99% conviction -- I'll never do meth-amphetamine.  I have consistently said I'd never been able to see nor understand how anyone could put a spike in their arms.  Well, guess what?  NOW I'VE GRADUATED, I HAVE COMPLETED THE COURSE AND I AM PROFICIENT AT BOTH.  No, I am not proud by any means, I'd have to be an idiot to be so.  I cannot even hardly pray - and I've been a Christian for many, many years as those of you who've read my blog before are fully aware.  There are just those times when the things we do are so lowly and below the standards, we've set for ourselves, we cannot even talk to God.  That's where I'm at.  I know He doesn't judge me, it is I who judge myself.  I do not feel worthy to hardly even call Him into my presence -- Yet I need His grace more than I ever have.  

Crazy isn't it?  Yes, it is. 

As I share with you this morning, 48 days sober - most days at some point my veins purple and plump as all get out -- seemingly standing at attention -- any blind man could hit at first poke -- I do ask Him to help me stay clean and remove from my psyche these awful cravings.  The mental and physical deep yearnings for that poison is so strong in me yet - it bombards my mind a few times a day.  I can handle it (me and Him) in small doses.  I distract myself, I keep my arms covered as to not see my track marks or those damned fully engorged veins.  It is up to me whether or not I entertain and allow the thoughts to linger.  Much is up to me. I call people who understand and remind me I don't have to live that way anymore.  I talk with people who have come back into my life that are HUGE blessings to me.  My life will slowly heal, and the urges will subside if I don't succumb to them. I can recover from meth addiction. I will stay clean this 24 hours, I will do whatever is necessary for these 24 hours to not put that garbage into my bloodstream. 

I've been to hell and back.  I'm still not out yet, but I'm in a better place than I've been so far.  Something inside feels lighter and less heavy.  It sounds odd to say having been sober before but I think I surrendered.  Like BIG.  I spent the weekend with a very treasured and much-loved friend, and in conversation with her, something in me reached a reckoning.  I came in Sunday and went to my Contemporary Christian music and just let go of a lot of pressure and sorrow.  I have to forgive myself and somehow be able to reconcile myself back in the presence of Jesus because if I don't and find healing in Him, I don't know if I can truly get sober (minded) an stay.  I had to let go of replaying triggers. I'm doing my desire for sobriety and a new life a hell of a disservice. I need all the positives, "attaboys" and the rest right now, I'm just a fresh newly sprouted tiny grotesquely green spark of a sapling.  But I am a sapling, and I am going to be one to be reckoned with. 

I realize this will be a shock to some, my being this transparent and it's not that I am trying by no means to be in any one's face with anything- because I'm truly not attempting that either, I wish to enlighten, encourage, and dispel the tightly held untruths about addiction. If you know anything about me, if I'm breathing and in my right mind, I am attempting to teach something, or at the very least encourage someone.  It's just how God made me, and even though I have often suffered behind the naivety in and to this spirit of giving - I refuse to be other than exactly who He made me. I will be judged.

I LOST PEOPLE BEFORE

IT WAS BECAUSE OF MY LOSSES I GOT HERE

I LET GO OF GOD

Humans make bad God's, Chemicals are bad coping mechanisms.  

 John 16:33

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. 

The struggle is real.

This video is my final tribute of dying and dead chapter in my life-- 

"I don't wanna let you go, I think about you now everywhere I roll, somewhere down the road I lost my soul, and I know cause it glitters doesn't mean it's Gold - 

I don't want to hurt nobody, I just want to let the truth be told, I don't want to hurt nobody, But I'm about to lose my self-control."

"Glitter" Jelly Roll/Struggle Jennings 

I didn't loose my soul, but damned near everything else.  

Today, my heart is right again, expansion has began into how my suffering can cease to be just crying myself to sleep - I have said thoughout this period of insanity -- I will pull through this, I will become more than I ever dreamed possible.  The reason I state this has NOTHING to do with my utterly gross mistakes and misgivings but what I know with certainty - God can do... I know in deepest and most utmost recesses of my heart - God will take what man has used for evil -- and He will use it for His glory!! I have so much healing to do, and I will learn a great deal along my path with Jesus.  The disease of addiction lies, uses us, and we're it's vessel for destruction, it wants us nothing more but dead.  

MINE CANNOT HAVE ME. 

I have already been adopted into the lineage through Abraham by faith and redemption, I belong to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

May God Bless and Keep you, 

Gina

Lie to Me

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."
                                                                                                   Carl Jung

There's so much flying around in my mind I am not certain where to begin.  I know what I want and need to convey it's just where to start.  I find myself in a really odd place in my life.  It's almost as if I'm not really sure how I got here.  I don't mean that as I take no responsibility for where I am, no it's not that - it's more like I haven't really even had the energy or the ability to pay close attention.  At least that is how it feels at this moment.  Depression.  It's getting worse. I have never had the symptoms of not being able to get up - you know sleeping all the time? Well, I have been sleeping for almost 24 hours (close to it) in the last few weeks.  I have absolutely no motivation to do anything.  Oh, it bothers me, don't get me wrong - it driving me nuts.  The energy it takes to get up and sit here - it's about all I have.  It took me 5 days to pay bills -- normally it's the first thing I do when my check hits the bank.  

I don't know - I'm hoping some of the things that are trying to get worked out-- get worked out soon.  I can go and see a psych.   I need help working through what I've been through.  Sounds odd doesn't it when it's said out loud -- like a merry-go-round.  Believe me, that's what it feels like.

What is weighing so heavily is what has ended up being my plight with people.  So many assumptions have been made.  People actually think they know me from the place I'm in right now.  I hardly allow other people's opinions of me bother me, but there's so much of it going around right now-- it just feels awful.  Everyone backs away from me like I have the plague.  People will not ask questions because they're afraid -- so they assume and jump to conclusions.  And boy the conclusions.  It's almost comical.  Nothing I can do about it -- I've even lost a friend of 45+ years in the last month or so.  People love to judge - all the while they hypocritically do what they do in private.  I don't judge - what's the point?  Where I'm at is because I was stupid enough to say the demon word "NEVER", oh and there's another one that's just as ridiculous... I"ALWAYS" they are both setups!! Don't do it, I'm telling you, it will come back around and make you eat your words plus have to deal with whatever it was you declared you ALWAYS did or NEVER was going to do!!! 

There are very few that could survive what I have been through in my life.  I'm a tough old bird.  No one really knows the whole story -- not even my (past) friend of 45+ years.  I've not really met anyone that wanted to know it all! I don't blame them, hell my own mind blocked a whole hell of a lot out especially for me!  

I am having a very difficult time with motivation in getting done what I need to get done.  It is hard without support.  I have been able to at least pray small short prayers.  It's more than I was able to do for a while -- I was just completely shut down emotionally -- just numb.  I think I have been on autopilot - at least as far as just living goes.  Somehow I manage to eat, do laundry - things like that - but that's about it.  I manage to keep my basic life details intact but I did mess up my funds this month - because of self-medicating.  I need to see a psychiatrist. My meds are in serious need of adjustment.  I have been trying to get by with my primary physician and what I was prescribed previously and it's just not working any longer.  I'm in serious need of an overhaul.  Problem being - I cannot afford to pay 20% of said Psych.

I'm fighting my addiction daily. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't.  Many people don't understand this. Oh, how, however, they do like to judge -- what is so damned interesting to me is -- how folks attempt to make a judgment call on something they cannot begin to comprehend.  It's just something I think about - a lot.  It really tears me up too - how different chemicals - are on different levels of "Oh my God - they're doing THAT???"  Ah, folks, they're all just mood-altering chemicals - I fail to see or understand why -- any of them need be placed into the horrendous categories that society places them in.  Wasn't it ah, about 20 years ago -- if that long that alcoholics were skid row bums??  People that hung around on the corner - begging for money and drinking out of paper sacks.  Ah, yeah.  It just floors me - how people love to judge what they do not understand.  People fear what they do not understand. All addiction is devastating.  All of it can and will kill if not arrested folks.  It rips families apart - it destroys nearly everything it comes into contact with if it continues on a long-term basis, and there is no intervention.  Addiction is progressive, it is deadly, it follows a known path (to destruction) at some point it renders it's the user powerless and incapable of stopping - needing the drug in order to attempt to feel or obtain some kind of normalcy.  There are specific markers - that addicts and alcoholics go through - stages - predictable phases and this is why it is a disease.  Many people do not believe and that's fine.  People love to blame -- I have known a few that ended up having the disease themselves over there nasty attitudes towards the disease -- and man are they in deep denial.  Life is odd like that -- sometimes.  It is a huge piece of why I do not judge -- I don't want to find myself sitting in the same shitty pool of nastiness I have thought about another human -- because it can and sometimes does happen.  It's all back to the NEVERS.  It doesn't feel real good, trust me.

So here I am, isolated, fairly deeply depressed,  not really one human to talk with who I really trust - and fighting a battle from hell.  It feels a lot like trying to climb out of a well that's been slathered with grease.  Hell of a metaphor don't you think?  I just can't seem to get a hold of anything.  I really do well to get a grocery list finished - but you see - people don't want to hear that.  People want you to lie and tell them I'M FINE.  GREAT! So that's what I'm going to do.  It seems to be the only way to keep them from running away.  I don't know if it's the times, or people are that damn shallow.  Yeah, shallow.  It's like the "happy, happy, joy, joy" society.  I've never belonged.  I guess I never will.  I'm a realist, I say what I think, and how I really feel.  It doesn't go over real well, and people surely judge you by it.

(He's all of 16 years old here-- plz check Johnny out. He's amazing.)

I hate that people take a slice of your life - and determine who you are because of where you're at - at that particular time or season.  Assumptions are made, and it may only be a tiny slice of your life - but their minds have slammed shut on who you are.  It's damn frustrating - especially when you've been through what I have been through in the last year and a half.  I have endured probably the most traumatic time in my entire life - it represents nothing like I've ever gone through in my life -- but it's now the example of who I am.  WoW.  Really? So you think based on where I am at now -- everything else in my life prior is null and void?  Do you even know how I got here? No, it doesn't matter because it's not relevant -- judgments already been made.

This is from the Myers Briggs Personality type test. Check it out - I am an INFJ - only 2% of the entire population are my personality type -- pretty rare. It's a very excellent way of getting to know yourself.  I recommend it highly.  

It's difficult when you don't put others in boxes, with four walls of who you have declared them to be - and why.  You know, that mental quadrant folks love to place around people in our lives -- the categories, the sections like in the mail sorting rooms -- "good", "bad" -- "sort of okay" - it's drives me insane.  The world where people are mind readers -- and they can see into crystal balls.  Fortune tellers, and psychics.  It's odd too because I'm an empath - I can read a person in just a few seconds upon meeting them -- but what is so interesting -- I see good in people -- I see a person's potential.  I can sense the negative and also the dangerous - but it's not what I necessarily focus upon.  I do know it's there.  I don't judge it - I just observe.  That is what I love about people -- observing and learning - from them, who they let me know they are versus who I sense they are.

What is heartbreaking? Getting the exact opposite of those in my life.  Oh well.  Not much I can actually do -- I'm done trying to explain -- just DONE.

Expectations ---- KILL.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  

I won't be in this place forever.  I promise anyone that.  Especially myself, that's all that seems to matter anyway.

To thine own self be true.

God Bless.   

Hope's Return

I am not sure where to begin.  The last year of my life has perhaps been one of the most difficult to endure, although on a much different level of existence than I have ever experienced before.  I have spent copious amounts of time alone with nothing other than my thoughts and said thoughts not being productive, positive, nor in any sense of the realm - life-enhancing.  I spent several months fighting suicidal ideation and planning.  I spent said months with a straight razor in the overhead shelf - just waiting to slice my carotid artery on my neck and the femoral artery on my leg, knowing fully of the finality of these actions.  I was completely alone and devoid of any feeling other than pain, the inability to generate any real reasons as to not take my life --   it seemed logical at the time.   If it had not been for my cat and one friend - I don't know if I would be here today.  I certainly did not have any internal motivation for continuing my existence.

More than anything - I felt trapped.  I still do to a certain degree.  I lost hope.  If you know my blog - then there is an understanding of the significance of the devastation that I endured and how deeply I was depressed as well as the bottom that I reached.  For me to lose hope is like a flag to no longer flys in the wind.  It is about as devastating a state of being that I would have believed to found myself in.

I have spent months and months emotionally numb.  Not actually choosing to  be void of emotion, but more of a state of apathy.  I would classify it as knowing in my mind --the lack of emotion - but it was more like a passing thought - certainly not a concern.  I still struggle to connect my mind and heart accessing emotions from the experiences of the recent past.

I have shared part of what I went through in the last few blogs.  I do not wish to go back into those issues, but what I will share is that even when (and if) you have the ability to forgive someone for what seems to others as the unforgivable -- do not allow the source of said pain of cruelty back into your life.  Your ability to forgive is your superpower it has nothing to do with their ability and capacity to further be a destructive force in your life.  Evil is evil, and it has no place in or near the heart or home of a person who embodies goodness.  Destruction will always try to destroy what is good, I believe because it knows it's evil.  Darkness cannot exist nor prevail in the presence of light.  The light will always reign over the darkness, no matter what.  Light illuminates and exposes darkness for what it is -- nothing but a mere shadow. Sometimes only a shadow straight out of the pits of hell.

Love this prayer.  Love Marianne. 

I have fallen back (for lack of better verbiage) into my addictions this last year.  I won't say I'm ashamed - it's just what we do as addicts trying to deal with the symptoms of trauma, inability to face or feel through difficult issues, intense emotional pain and the like.  I do not justify - merely describe.  I don't know of too many who could have endured this isolation as well as the issues I have had to face - and stayed sober.  There have been times I thought I would just go insane here in this space alone - no human contact for days.  The absolute odd element was that often the only interaction I would have with anyone would be with fellow addicts.  A lot of the time, the only help I would be offered  - rides to and back from the store - etc. - was from fellow addicts.  Sometimes even now its still true.  I've felt more compassion, more empathy, and much more willingness to help me from people I've gotten high with than people I've gone to church with.  This is beyond my belief - and extremely disheartening. I know exactly why -- the addicts don't judge me like the Christians do.  Yes, that is what I said.  Those that believe they're in an elite status -- (in their minds) distance themselves, therefore they would never admit it, somehow, somewhere there is an egoic mentality -- of superiority.   I have felt it inside my own home church.  It isn't acceptable to be "different" and still fit in.  One will surely find themselves alone one their pew for perhaps years -- and I did.  I have always been one people where just not quite sure of.  The oh so odd thing is - I love people (and kitties) probably more than most.  Yet, the level of my honesty has (I guess) been too difficult for most.  It is difficult for me to understand most of the time, in order for me to live - in sobriety anyway- rigorous honest was the only way I could stay alive. I took the tools presented to me, deeply to heart.  I have never been one to lie, nor hurt someone with the truth either - but most don't want to hear your truth.  It makes them uncomfortable.  I have been shunned by quite a few.  It's perfectly alright - it is who I am now, I don't hide behind what is "acceptable" in society - that to me is nonsense. I'm not pretending for anyone.  I don't even believe I could.  I actually fail to see any purpose in it.   

Oh, Eckhart.  How true.  What a thinker I am.  This is one of my favorite quotes.  I spent many years avoiding feeling anything.  My desire to not feel is what propelled my addiction.  Well, this and the massive "black hole" in my gut.  All addicts/Alcoholics have it - even if they won't admit it.  Some don't really know what it is or have the ability to define it as such.  I truly believe we are born with it. it's like a part of us is missing.  It's kind of like a deep sense of longing for something- someone- somewhere - inside that is so elusive and evasive that the searching, the longing - seems to never end.  Just when it seems it might be somewhat satisfied, it begins gnawing and it's hungry again. It is a constant state of emptiness, it tells you that you are not enough, you don't belong - you don't measure up - you are defective - and once you find that substance which fulfills that need --- it's never enough no matter how much or how often.  I recall waking up when I was truly at the height of my addiction in my teen years and early 20"s the very first thought upon waking, I would have my very first thoughts of  "how am I going to get high today." Those thoughts were never far from my consciousness - They were on replay 24-7 even when I was so high -- it was never ending - because where is the next one coming from?  What do I have to do to make it happen, where do I have to go, do I have to steal, manipulate, or talk out of?  The preoccupation was a living nightmare.  This is why living in the present now is so extraordinary.   I can be present and be free of that burden.  

Even though I am still struggling, I have much to be grateful for and I am indeed grateful.  No, my life is far from where it should be, and I slip still.  I have very little support.  I have found people so selfish.  selfish beyond my imagination.  I don't even like being in this world right now.  It is brutal.  The majority of humans could care less if you eat, see anyone for months on end - and will do absolutely NOTHING for you.  NO matter what your circumstances are.  I'm living proof of this.  It literally makes me sick.  I just know it must be breaking Jesus's heart.  It must because it breaks mine. Oh yeah, people want to jabber about being this and being that-- but when it's time to do what you've said you would?  You can hear the crickets chirp!!!   No one's home!!!  And I'll tell anyone flat out -- if you can't stand behind you're word?  There's nothing to you.  Don't mean to be rude -- that is just HARD COLD FACT.   It's just another flimsy, fake, plastic person.   I won't apologize -- I say what I mean and I mean what I say.  I guess I"m a part of a dying breed.  Kindness, honesty, authenticity, integrity, and being genuine are all attributes I have worked the majority of my life to uphold as a human being.   It is how my father raised me.  I mess up at times, we all do - but each new day -- we get another chance.  Just like God's mercy - it's renewed and (praise God)  we can set our sails towards being the best versions of ourselves with the dawn.  

I want to make something clear.  I have been judged and actually, people have turned their backs on me - just cut me out of their lives because of my addiction.  My across the way neighbor - I was honest with her about what had been taking place in my life - and all of the sudden I was just shut out.  it's happened to me on several occasions.  To me - and I mean no disrespect - it is ignorance. By this, I mean lack of knowledge.  It really blows my mind how people actually believe that one of us (for example) is "better" or "worse" than another based upon behavior.  Behavior does not define a person.  This in itself I suppose is where the rubber meets the road.  This is where the knowledge of humans is so limited.  Being trained no less nor differently than any traditional therapist - I understand why and how this happens.  People become afraid that what "you " do will, in fact, look like it is a reflection of who you associate with.  Of course, there are all sorts of other things to consider. Things that attribute.  We fear what we do not understand.  We distance ourselves from it.  This way if it is indeed harmful - (just in case) said thing is less likely to be able to harm us.  There's also the concern about society's opinion.                                                  I still have a hard time with people that make fun of addicts especially depending upon the type of substance used.  I have seen posts on social media where people are absolutely cruel towards those of a highly addictive drug when in fact there should be support and prayer.  It sickens me.  It may well be that I being who I am and what I know - realize the substance, mode of ingestion, frequency -- all of this is merely a symptom of the disease.  We do not make fun of people with cancer, or diabetes, why do we belittle addicts? It's barely been 10 years since alcoholics were the target - skid row bums.  Are we so petty as a society - as to need to make someone who's already suffering - perhaps more than anyone will ever comprehend - feel less than human?   What is the purpose of this I ask?  What kind of sick pleasure is found in kicking someone who is already aware of how far down their life has gone, and the consequences piling up way overhead.  Really???  I don't know -- maybe I'm a horse of a different color.  

An addictive substance - I don't care what it is -- (and why should you) is just that - a chemical -- that fits the receptor sites in the brain.  I don't care if it's marijuana, beer, vodka, hydrocodone, methamphetamine, Xanax, acid, YOU name it-- there is a process called neurotransmission of the receptor sites in the brain.  So many things just fit into these sites just like our own natural chemical transmission of hormones -- and reuptake inhibitors.  I fail to comprehend why there is so much judgment as to what chemical is used to feed the demon?? I especially fail to understand it from those who haven't a CLUE what addiction is - but want to sit on the sidelines and judge someone who is fighting it or in its throws.  Again, REALLY? What right does anyone have to look down their proverbial nose at another? 

I adore this.  I am still a kid at heart.  I hope I will always be.  Growing older isn't much fun, but there isn't much can be done about it.  We are complex human beings.  I am a firm believer that our differences, diversity is what makes our lives so rich and fulfilling.  I don't want to have to eat the same damn meal every day - over and over -- would you?  Nope, I would just eventually stop eating.  Discovery whether it be in a forest, or on a beautiful sandy beach somewhere tropical - that ability, that awesome possibility of finding something that you have never seen before - is so exciting to me.  I really love that feeling as well as that possible potential for a new experience!  I pray that I never lose that spark or that sense of awe and wonder.  I cherish those feelings, they let me know I'm alive.  I know that I don't know everything.. how could I?  But there are people out there that believe they do.  That is scary to me.  I love the feeling of expansiveness in the knowing that more is to come in knowledge and life's experiences.  That is like one of the coolest things for me.  I have little time to be concerned with who does what with what or how or any of those types of things.  I am not even living up to my own potential, I know it, so who am I to condemn anyone of anything?  I just simply have NO NEED.  

One of my most loved bible verses is: There is, therefore, no condemnation in Christ Jesus.  Not sure exactly where it came from - what book of the bible - what verse -- but that particular passage was a big part of what set me free of many chains in my relationship with Christ.  I assure you if my Jesus isn't condemning me?  There is no place in my heart to do so with anyone else either.  So many times it all comes back to me - why I adore Marianne Williamson - her book "A Return to Love" - also it's part of her beliefs - "there are only two emotions -- love and fear."  She purports that when we are living in fear, we cannot experience love, when we are living in love, fear cannot exist.  I love that.  She is a phenomenal woman if you do not know of her or her work, I highly recommend her.  She is quite the extraordinary child of God.  She is a miracle worker who teaches all of us how to be miracle workers too.  Goodness do we ever need this very kind of encouragement in our lives now, and someone who upholds us to a loving state of mind as well as a heart.  I sincerely hope you seek her out.  You have the same potential as I did when I first graced her healing power.  I promise you will never be the same. 

Forgive the length.  It's been a while! God Bless, always.

Love this.  Hope you enjoy her too. 

It's good to be back.  

God Bounty and Luscious Grace to you.   

G. 

Ties That Bind - A Submission From 7-12-18 - A Brutal Betrayal

This is the account of the experience of my life.  The brutal  seven days from July 5-12, 2018 are indelibly marked in my mind as well as my heart.  Little did I know how much would transpire, and how powerful this time would end up being, how much change would take place, affecting my life beyond belief.  Please think twice when placing yourself in the care of a Mental Health Facility.  What can look like a professional organization doesn't not always mean it's a healthy environment -- and it does not promise that you won't endure abuse by said system.  I'm here to tell you -- it CAN HAPPEN.  Below is my personal hell and final account with a VERY unhealthy "Mental-Health" Facility deemed on getting revenge.  I guess there is just some sickness and some "so-called" professionals in charge - that don't like being confronted with the truth that will go to ANY lengths to abuse said powers, albeit, via deception or ruse.  

Mental Illness, Addiction, and Chronic Pain - all of these issues such delicate things to balance in an individual's life.  All of these conditions - in reality - are what is called "silent illnesses" - they can't under ordinary circumstances be "seen" just by looking at an individual for "proof" of the beholding, or identifying markers of their presence in a person's life.  Especially true of physical pain, and mental illness.  Sometimes what the beholden endures - is so offensive, so shocking, especially these days with the "WAR" on opiates - pain medication - for those of us who suffer and have for years with chronic, often debilitating pain.

I went through just this month, an abusive ordeal in a "mental health facility" hell bent on forcing me to comply, and sign a hard copy -- in admission - that I was/am indeed "Addicted" to opiates.  A plan was devised, a deception (without my knowledge) unbeknownst to me had been set into motion to attempt to force the removal of prescribed medications (throwing me into a vicious withdrawal) given to me by my primary Physician for documented (17+ years ) of medical conditions.  It was the facilities aim to (all Psychiatrists, Nurse Practitioners, and Support Staff) remove my prescribed medication, even to the point of hostility and belittling, with absolutely flat out denial as well as refusal to discuss documented FACT of my longstanding, relevant disabilities.  When I attempted to raise issues in defense pertaining to my conditions, I was met with the staff's response of, "we aren't going to discuss that!" Wow.  Is this America?  Have people lost their bloody minds?  Have we reached a place with this medication insanity - where a person such as myself -- HAVE NO RIGHTS?  Something here about this Hydrocodone deal has to be addressed.  This is pure INSANITY, people, has everyone lost their mind?  

The plan was to place me on Suboxone - the hottest and most prescribed new "Opiate of choice" - with many nasty side affects, a withdrawal from HELL - compared to with that of Methadone (you don't even want to know).  But alas, what is so special about this particular drug?  There's lots and lots of BIG Pharma funding right now for it's push and use in programs such as where I was.  It blocks feelings of euphoria that one might have from other opiates, and supposedly reduces cravings for other drugs.  There's pro's and con's alike out there--  Everyone seems to be being put on it these days- even pregnant women - Lord knows at what expense by it being such a new drug, and trials surely not being certain to the possibility of harm to these women's babies.  There were five women I think there and most of them were on it.  Seems damn near everyone was on it.  What I was unable to comprehend as I researched the drug, it's just another addictive substance... what gives?  Why would someone such as myself do that - there's no way in hell - I'm going to be in full blown pain, how does this make any sense in my case? Even if I am not being believed in my medical/surgical history -- I have SO many scars on my body (and in my defense I SHOWED them) where I have had multiple surgeries in attempts to correct the ailments pertaining to what is causing my pain.

I was belligerent,  I came unhinged,  I was enraged - I wonder what anyone would have done?  Here I was, a former Chemical Dependency Counselor -- being berated, told - what and who I was.  I had a televised appointment with their "program" physician who told me flat out that he did not care if I was in "full blown pain" I was to come off the opiates -- at which I just got up and walked out of the office.  It was like a nightmare in real life - except there was no waking up.   FINALLY.. after an agonizing seven days - I was discharged - and allowed to leave.  Oh, I knew there were going to be severe consequences, because of the plot and the plan that had been laid - I did not comply with the "orders" set before me, I knew now I'd have to pay.  I had no idea I'd already been discharged from all services -- here at the Bluff.  Odd, I had received a letter upon arriving home that said I had ten days to respond - yet when I called I was informed I had been discharged a day before 7-11-18) I was discharged from the other program?  I'm befuddled, bewildered, and ah, at this point it's beginning to seem funny, how all of this has ensued.

What I want to be known here is that at no time have I ever had an intake or an assessment for my "so called" use/abuse/addiction of Opiates.  I realize what I am saying. But please hear what I need to vocalize - it is my fervent belief that documents have been falsified in my case history - charting done that is illicit.  The last communication that I received stated, "your self-confessed opiate addiction" -- this is a an outright untruth.  An outright LIE.  I was sent to a program on complete and utter deceptive pretenses - an organization that I have trusted with the health and welfare of my mental stability for over seven years -- betrayed my trust -- and attempted to force me to admit something that just is not the truth. WORDS put into my mouth.   Never in my WILDEST dreams could I have ever believed something like this could have happened, but it has, and I have no idea what to do.  They are fully aware I have no financial ability to seek  legal counsel so they have the upper hand.  But dear God -- if they will do this to ME with the intelligence that I have - what are they doing to those that DO NOT???  

IT horrifies ME!!!

When the truth has been used against you - and all seems lost - don't be dismayed.  It would seem so easy to cave in and give up -- ah, but NO ONE knows that strength and the tenacity I bestow -- it is my Father's blood running threw my veins.  I don't have a QUIT.  Do what you will in said sickness.  I will survive.  I promise that.  I've survived the living hell on a level no equivalent will ever know.  Vicious and so evil -- well let's just say -- my mind took over and blotted out the remains of those days.  I was a mere little tot way back then, and I still overcame.  Just imagine what I'm capable of now... after all I've experienced along the way.

I lost my Gracie, my girl.  It was so unnecessary - to have gone through this debacle derived out of pure deception with no intent to help me.  How cruel - I cannot even fathom.  My service animal - hit by a car - dead on the side of the road - I can't get it out of my head.  We can't even find her to bury her - she was all I had - and now she's dead.  I hope everyone is real proud of the work that's been done.  Mission accomplished ... job well done! 


I profusely apologize to those who read my blog - this is now a positive posting.  It is nothing like my usual content.  I still believe it needs to be verbalized, for the sake of it's content.  Organizations of this magnitude have a great deal of power.  Don't blindly trust - like I did.  Do your research as best you can.  Dig and dig more one the professionals it employs.  Confront red flags when they erupt, trust yourself.  I should have walked away from this organization some time ago - I didn't and this is what has happened as a result.  Attempting to "hang in there" is not always a good choice.  I will tell you when you come from a background of abuse, we often make excuses for intolerable behavior --- we tend to "normalize it" even though we know in our guts it wasn't okay.  Believe in yourself and trust your intuition, it's the greatest gift you'll ever receive in this life.  It will lead you into all truth if you allow it...honor it, and know the power of it's truth.  It's God inside of us - what and Who that is to you.  This guide loves us and wants what is right, best, and true always in our lives -- trust is so hard for so many of us.  We trust things we shouldn't and don't trust what we need to.

My prayer will be for all of you to - as with myself-- learn to listen and discern that voice inside of us -- each and everyone who always has our BEST interest at heart.  The one that will lead us and guide us safely, honorably, to the best places in life where we belong, were we should have been all of our lives.  Please if you will, pray for me - the is a really hard place in my life.  I am not certain what my fate is going to be, loosing my beloved animal  so tragically.  I share this video with you -- it's been a strength to me since I got home.  It was shared with me from a friend, and now I share it with those of you.

To my girls who might read this-- you're spirits, your smiles, your courage, your strength is still with me.  I was an honor to have been in your company even if it was for a short while.  All of you gave me back a hope that I haven't had for some time.  Thank each and every one of you for the compassion, the kindness, the warmth, and especially the enormity of strength in our connectedness a power that transcends all time and space.  I miss you guys.  I'm there in spirit.  Always know you so worth each and every right decision you make - run toward wholeness (not that you aren't already) - do not let anything deter your personal journey.  Know you're loved, know you're blessed, and you will always rise above!!  To Thine Own Self Be True.

Thank you Jesus - for building and sustaining my strength - 

Thank you Daddy - for the tenacity, courage, and persistence - 

I DON'T HAVE A QUIT! 

  
God Bless all of you, Until we meet again.  G.

Turning Points

Today is one one of the more painful days I've experienced in my life and so was yesterday.
Getting breath in and out has been a struggle.  Sleep as been illusive, I watched every hour go by like drops from a leaky faucet.  The last six months of life have been and are taking me to task at a place I'm not familiar with at all.  I am attempting to find myself in this rubble of what I thought was my life.  Partially deconstructed by choices I've made, and the rest?  If I'm honest with myself - the choices that were made were not made from my best sense of knowing.  Nope.  They were made out of loneliness, desperation, and dis-ease.  Choices made out of disquiet of the mind and a disheartened soul will not lead you to any sense of peace.  That is as much of any kind of sense I am able to make out of this unfamiliar place I find myself in.  Yet, here we all are -  in this separated, distant, and disconnected world acting as if nothing is wrong - that we are all "FINE",  when in reality there's few of us that are, we're just become good at faking it.  Some people can do that, day after day.  I cannot, I am far too sensitive and intense an individual to stuff all that inside day after day.  Neither of those characteristics make a person insane - although I sure have been treated as if I am plenty of times.  Matter of fact - I'm much more in-tune with reality than most, I feel everything, and then some.  The problems lie in the that those living in the haze of make-believe when challenged by the truth.  Ah, they'll say "the truth is relative", and deny it until the end, but for us old-souls, those who know what is by the senses of their spirits, denial is futile.  The greatest battle is with those in a position of authority when we are in an abusive situation, in harms way, or in need of someone to protect your life.

Emptiness and feelings of separation from other people were emotional circumstances I'd known my entire childhood.  Being denied, being unvalidated as having any kind of voice as a person in any realm was the only experience I'd ever known growing up.  What I recall in my memories growing up weren't all bad, some were quite good, times with my father and all of the wonderful things he taught me.  It's the blank spaces that haunted me, and the hours spent hiding in closets, frightened and terribly afraid.  I have dealt with most of my disabling fears, and I have worked diligently through years and years of therapy.  People will often say -- who have had no traumatic background "you just gotta let that go", to wit - I find most humorous.   Traumatic experiences and years of neglect map the pathways of our brains.  It isn't something that can be just "gotten over".  I still loose time in highly  stressful periods in my life.  Being an anxious avoidant type of personality - affects all of the relationships (as much as I hate it) in my life - even as much as I work, and work, and apply myself to the theories of healing to guard against it.

I have just been through - for whatever reason this season of my life - one of the most difficult periods where I have had so much destruction and I have been unable, despite literally screaming for help multiple times,  to speak loudly enough - or in the right manner - or to do so without dismissal.  My pleas for for help fell on deaf ears, on ears of judgement, upon ears  with no compassion.  Speaking the truth does not guarantee  that you will be protected, nor served.  So much in this world is how it appears, not how it actually is.  People believe exactly what they want to believe, despite the facts.  There is little one can do about those so called facts.

Some choices we make, can seal our fate.  It seems to make you or place you in a position of being a sub-human or less than these days.  People may not even know what took place or have any idea what an individual went through - yet condemn them anyway.  As if anyone has lived an exemplary  life. Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin among you - let him throw a stone at her first." NKJV John 8:7  None of us are without sin.  We all make mistakes.  We all 'miss that mark'.

I suppose in some folks eyes, some mistakes are worse than others, some more forgivable - and some just not.  I'd beg to differ.  However, I have not been one in my lifetime to judge, I have learned a long time ago - to separate behavior from the person.  I see spirit over actions made.  We're all fallible.  All in the realm of forgiveness - and trust me, I have had to forgive those who have done the seeming unforgivable to me.  It has made me stronger and wiser, it's given me strength to endure.  I did not expect my voice to be so silent however, or to be outrightly ignored.  There's a pressure there that no one understands unless you've been through it.  Its maddening.

Seasons do end.  Change will always come because on a basic level, we live on an evolving planet - with recycling human suits.  I am a child of God - I know this some days, stronger than others - I don't easily admit.  I have a difficult time when I am in deep emotional pain feeling connected to God, but that's my issue not His - He doesn't go anywhere - I'm the the one that pulls away.  Far as I know it's pretty par for the course with humans.  I am going to come out of this bottom I've hit just like all the other's I've hit before.  I am a survivor at heart, myself and God -- and I'm sure learning the hard way that my understanding everything is SO futile.  The harder I try, the more mud I pull up.  It's perfectly okay -- because scripture tells me to 'lean not on my own understanding' and I keep doing it.  It's that deal - doing the same thing over and over?  Well most of you know the rest.  I've surrendered, and I'm going to do it a different way.  Praise God.  I have to.  I went to far down this time.  I lost hope in mankind.  I never thought I'd see that day, but I did.  Pulling out old tools to try and fix any problem will not work.  We know they don't work.  There is no knowledgeable defense against the disease of Addiction or Alcoholism.  Depression untreated properly just fuels the fire.  Do what is needed to do, despite what is happening in your life.  Don't stop until you get what you need.  I don't care how many times you have to scream.  Keep praying, keep reaching, and keep believing.   The God of your understanding will make a way where there is none.

God Bless you all!!!