I have so much on my mind this morning, I'm not sure where to start. Sorry it has been so long between posts. I'm just now listening to meditation music trying to gain some clarity, and attempt to make some decisions. It's not always easy - when we have made bad decisions, and have to look at the consequences --- and live in our mess. We are all human and invariably we're drawn to what makes us feel good, be it buying something new, indulging in a comfort food, or seeking out the company of another human when suffering. I believe wholeheartedly that all of these things are perfectly normal. The difficulty lies in err when we do so when putting ourselves in some kind of danger, our finances in shambles, or health in jeopardy. Extremes are the problems, and these are the things of the addict. Things, situations - a lifestyle if you will, that is either black or white with no grey areas. It's all or nothing. This is not reality -- because life is full of choices, but the addict does not see those other choices. With one main goal, to abate the pain inside, we always make the extreme choice -- to get the most pleasure out of our experiences. This is what people do not understand --- and it has nothing to do with anyone else but the addict themselves - whom at this juncture is one of the most selfish, self-centered, ego-driven humans on the planet. All of these things merged and enveloped with mind-blowing denial.
People don't understand denial and how it works. Really don't understand denial, because it's a classic component of addiction/alcoholism. It blinds the addict - to consequences, to hurting loved ones, to hurting self. We oft wonder how can he or she steal from family and friends, and still stand there and look them in the eye? DENIAL. It isn't just a theory - it is an absolute in this disease. It protects the user from the emotional consequences of what they do, to themselves and those around them -- and it propels them to continue to use. An addict can justify anything, absolutely anything when it comes to what they need to get more drugs, or alcohol from you no matter what the method might be. Manipulation, theft, deception, it doesn't matter, they're classic coping skills for the abuser, and denial paves the way for them. I can justify anything I want to purchase - anything when I'm wanting it, and all the consequences in the world won't stop me from making that purchase.... it's that rush of dopamine (and many other brain chemicals) that I get when I purchase said item. It's all a chemically induced payoff whether or not it be natural chemicals, or foreign ones.
I've been battling with my addictions since my Father passed, and possibly before - but especially since the loss of my Dad. I'm in an addictive cycle. I can no longer deny it. Shopping may seem mild as an addiction to some, but trust me when it comes time to pay, it's no joke. It is/ has greatly affected my ability to live. I'm totally at a crossroads with this. I continue to shop despite the fact that I cannot survive on and pay out the bills that I have. My loneliness/grief issues and the "never enough" place inside of me - is ruining my life. I am an addictive type of person. Lately, I've made some very poor choices, and I have put myself in some pretty scary situations out of being so desperately tired of being alone. Hence, there were consequences - and I am totally remorseful, but I cannot change my actions. It's been a long time since I've felt shame. However, it is an emotion that I believe for me, is there for a reason, at least this time. You can bet, I will not do it again. I've suffered all week long.
My EMDR therapy has been going well, if you can call delving into traumatic memories ... an easy thing. I believe it is what has my addictive behavior on the rise. This is tough stuff. I adore my Doctor - he is so damned intelligent, and an answer straight from God. He is the absolute first professional that has answers for me that make complete sense. I thank God for Doc. I have some decisions to make because he and I both know that in order to heal, somethings have to change. Somehow, someway, the cycle has to be broken.
I may very well have to stop this blog, and remove myself from the internet completely. This is something that I'm pondering. I don't ever get any feedback, so I suppose, despite that fact that I try to educate, enlighten, and dispense hope - my blog has really served no purpose other than therapeutically for myself. I dislike this, but I must accept what is. I'd always felt guided to write about my experiences, if for no other reason than to let someone know that they aren't alone. This, and to help enlighten people from the perspective of an addicts mind. Addiction is so misunderstood. However, perhaps I've failed to do this, or there is just some angle that I am just unaware that prevent people from communicating. At any rate, these next few blogs, may indeed - be my last.
I wholeheartedly believe that if I have to remove myself from this venue - God will help me find another way, method of dispensing hope. It may not look like I have hope with what is written above, but - believe you me, I'm full of it. I will always be. Despite my defective choices, God still is my refuge. He's still my strength. I'm the one in err. If I'd look to Him for answers, I'd find them, it is my failings and lack of reaching out (and doing it MY way) that get me into trouble. These trust issues, sadly I say come from my childhood. God is not at fault. He has given me many a miracle. I will never deny that. There are good things in my life, and this is what I aim to focus upon. We are what we believe. Lately, I've been stuck in a mire of obsessing over my behavior - and it's stopping now. God is, and ever shall be my guiding light, a lamp to my feet, and my saving Grace.
God Bless you,
and what ever your season brings!!!