I hold my breath. I actually cannot breathe. In the midst of what I'm currently going through. Oh - you'd never know to see me, talk to me, or ask me how I am. It's only in the darkest recesses of my alone time, and with the trusted of friends that I share where my heart is now. This current journey is perhaps the most difficult that I've ventured yet. I hide from it as best I can. Why, you might ask? Because what's taking place is (and needs to be) completely consumptive and life changing. My behavior needs to change in order for the proper identity to be instilled and cemented. This is, in my belief - one of the most damaging things that I've worked through as of yet.
I've found myself pushing the most important of persons, as far away from me - to the extent that I almost lost them. I did not even realize what I had done, or was doing until a few days ago. I dislike this grieving process just that much. It isn't that I don't like to feel, I'm just NOT good at it. The pendulum swings too wide for me - because of my intensity. Hell, not even I can handle myself at times --- my sensitivity, and the range of emotions . Try interacting with others attempting to "monitor" yourself. I truly think I either feel or I shut them off. It's an addict thing - pretty much as bad as I dislike it - black and white kind of emoting. I liken to think myself an outside of the box person --- however there's certainly that all or nothing aspect to my persona. I don't like that. I try so hard not to illicit that. I did not really realize how much I do utilize such processes until I started seeing Doc. Then "bam", there it is in your face --- your lovely behavior on a plate for you to view.
I have had to force myself to communicate with God. I'm baffled by this. Oh, other than the fact that tears run the millisecond I utter a word of prayer or open my bible. I suppose it has everything to do with the emotional pain. Sometimes things just aren't even clear to me, the enlightened one..... lol. What's so beautiful right now though is that God has answered my prayers! I've found some exceptionally good friends. Well, she found me. I am so blessed right now. An I say that facing surgery in four days - and even with the issues that I'm currently working on. It is my nature to be grateful though --- I've learned this throughout life, I suppose it's my A.A. background. Grateful folks tend to get drunk or high less often. But it's more than that for me - I just have a huge heart, most of the time, full of joy. That's God given, and no one can take this away. As I think of it, that's my center - where my peace lives. Given to me through a gift called grace - and the incredible Finished Work of Jesus Christ. Grief may have it's moments, but it cannot have my being.
This is one of the reasons I write. God speaks through me, for me, and to me. It's such an absolute blessing. My grandest hope is that someone, somewhere can relate - or finds inspiration in what I'm going through. Even if I can't be specific right now --- just know no matter what the issue or circumstance and how bad it hurts - there is a Man names Jesus -- and He died for you. As alone as I "feel" some times, and as much as I struggle, I will always triumph because of Him. He is my Father, my Savior, the Author and the Finisher of my faith. Even when I pull away from Him, He does not pull away from me, I believe He come closer because He knows that I'm hurting. He was human, fully human, He suffered greatly - more than we can imagine -- His compassion is great. He was the inventor of compassion and love, I think He understands!
I write to you today in pain, but with hope. Always with hope and trust of better days ahead. You see what I have is an identity problem still. I do not fully accept and engulf who I know in my mind I am. I am, my value - higher than rubies. A princess, the child of the Most High. The righteousness of God through Jesus Christ. I cannot comprehend it yet. I'm steady working on it, it's just that so much damage was done previously - the old me won't let go so easy. It's taking me (not God) quite a while to encapsulate the newness of my "new creation." I already am this, I just need patience. Everyone does. It doesn't help that I'm avoiding feeding (reading my bible, praying - going to church). I did go Sunday - my beloved previous pastor Paul was in town - and it was glorious. He even preached about identity. God is so amazingly awesome.
I'm anxiously awaiting my session with Doc Friday. It will be hard, but oh so necessary. I'm changing, I can feel it. Even though it hurts -- it's so good - this is so needed. An God has given me friends to help me get through. Hallelujah !!! I am not so alone anymore!!! He is so precious, and that even is an understatement of fact --- He's miraculous!!!! I hope you know Him. He has a purpose for all of us - we all have special gifts to bring into this world. We're all each individuals, unlike any other -- with unique talents - may you find yours.
Thank you for reading this -- and please know that processing pain is not easy for anyone. But it is worthwhile, and life changing. We are not alone, not today, tomorrow or the hereafter. God is love. He invented it - and He created us so He could love us. It's that simple. When we hurt, He hurst for us. Remember that. It is pretty normal to push God away when we're hurting -- I am not certain why - but why doesn't matter. Just draw near Him, and He will draw near you. Believe me when I say -- there's nothing like it in this world.