Metamorphosis

A caterpillar to a butterfly.

 I've not written in some time.  There's much on my mind - and several things pulling at my heart.  As most of you know, when I delve into something, I do not do so lightly.  I've shared that I am in process with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing)  therapy with an amazing psychologist and that we're "remapping" memories.  I'll simplify it as much as I can - by activating both frontal lobes of the brain quickly(with hand movement) - and recalling a traumatic event - until you process through (which can take quite a bit of time) until the memory is no longer unpleasant... The process also builds layer upon layer of positive affirmations and unhinges beliefs associated with said trauma, to replace the once negative memory with a positive experience.  Now that's a mouthful.  Basically I follow doc's movement with my eyes, and it activates the frontal lobes left, then right quite quickly - as I recall painful memories.  Sometimes I have physical pain with it, sometimes I have headaches - it's really kind of wild.  I'm very grateful for this.  Doctor is a gift from God, I know because I'm healing in a way that I've never healed before.  He has had answers that I have needed that have burdened my soul for years.

What is really interesting however, as is my behavior during this period.  I have a difficult time staying "stable".  It's actually quite normal (whatever that is, I've never known normal) to exhibit irregular behaviors when doing this kind of work.  I wanted to write about loneliness - because my life is pretty empty however, it is getting better.  I'm digressing, and I apologize.  I've been really sick for the last two weeks, really sick.  Most of  you know about my spending -- and that aberrant behavior.  Well, it continues.  Often times I feel like a big ballon in a small casing-- there just isn't enough room for me here.  I'm too big.  My personality, my presence, my thoughts, everything about me is just too big.  I overwhelm people - straight out of the gate.  Everyone but my one friend - and I am so thankful for her!!!  We've both got big personalities, and we're learning to be okay around each other.  I love that -- that is the coolest thing to me, in the world.  That level of acceptance.  Don't you agree?

I've talked to doc about my yearning to just want to be special to someone.  I don't think that this is an unusual request - or an unattainable goal.  I have felt this way for a long while now.  Few people could handle spending the copious amounts of time that I spend alone.  I don't even believe that it's healthy - we aren't meant to be so alone.  It is not what I would choose - if given a choice.  Doc says that it wouldn't be good for me right at this particular juncture to be in relationship- and I do understand,  it doesn't mean that I have to like it.  An if I'm really completely honest with myself - I'm still hiding from the world.  I'm still stuck.  I vacillate back and forth between fight, flight, and frozen.


I really wanted to be somewhere else last week, or someone else.  My own insides were distasteful.   I don't know if anyone else can relate to that - but sometimes being "me" ain't all that it's cut out to be.  For one thing - I turned 55.  When I look back at my life, what do I have to show for it?  Not much.  I didn't die.  And, I've witnessed miracles.  That says a great deal -----right there.   You guys know that for all intensive purposes I should be dead ---- the multiple times that I've woken up on the floor, where I've passed out and hit my head from taking way too many narcotics.  I used to mix fentanyl  with morphine and Xanax -- sometimes there were other chemicals as well.  I think back to those times now, and I am filled with gratitude. I know that sounds like a crazy person said that --- but I'm completely sane, however -- this gives me a completely different perspective - which is exactly what I'm needing at this moment.  Thank God!!

I was introduced to drugs at the ripe age of eleven years old.  I was a full-blown addict by age 18.  I was already out of control before I was even an adult.  As I sit here today criticizing myself for slow progress -I have to remember where I came from.  I have to remember what I've been through.  If it weren't for the grace of God, I wouldn't even be here.  I loose sight of things sometimes.  I suppose we all do.  Doc and I have been working on some really difficult memories.  These specific memories have plagued me and have negatively shaped a part of my life that is in dire need of transformation.  That kind of change on that level --- is never easy.  It's okay though.  I'm strong, I can get through this, my Jesus knows how.  If I couldn't make it, it wouldn't be happening.

I realize that I just processed myself "out loud" for the whole world to read - but you know what?  I don't care.  Someone needs to read this.  That's what I feel.  Someone, somewhere else feels too big on the inside and they need to know that they're not alone.  I believe it's just that we're full of possibilities!  We're full of potential! We're full of passion.  I know that I am.  And I'm full of love.  Unconditional love for people.  Even the one's that will judge me for daring to write something like this and publish it.  But --- that's just me.  Please know that this is vey hard work, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  Processing through traumatic events such as I am - can often trigger many past feelings, behaviors, and thought processes.  What I'm attempting to do is hard work.  I forget that.  I'm real hard on myself.  I always have been.  I don't need anyone else to criticize me, I do great all by myself.  The greatest thing I can do, is do this work, and be gentle with myself.  This would be the greatest gift.

Those of you that actually read this all the way through -- I thank you.  May God bless you and keep you ----this is my prayer ---right in the palm of His hand.  Grace and Peace all the days of your life.... until next time...  Gina