Thursday, August 24, 2017

Even though, Even if....

I love eagles. So majestic, so regal, so powerful.  I tend to think they're one of God's favorite creatures.  Being that eagles are mentioned in the Bible, it makes them just that much more of a magnificent animal to me.  I've seen a few of them in real life, and it was an amazing experience - one I'm not likely to forget anytime soon.  We have a place here where they like to soar, called Eagle Point.  The last time that I went there, for some reason it was inundated with them, flying, swooping overhead.  I didn't have a camera - but you can bet the memory is etched in and one I'm not likely to forget.

I am feeling better, by the grace of God, than I was the last time that I wrote.  I almost feel like apologizing for my last post - I was in such a deep depression.  It is difficult to look back now at where I was.  That particular Sunday felt like hitting a bottom emotionally, and I suppose that's what it was albeit, those types of things are never easy to admit.  We all have our "I can't take this any longer" - moments -- and that sure felt like that was mine.  Perhaps it was.  I hadn't exactly been taking the best possible care of myself - spiritually and when I don't things like that can happen.  Especially for those of us who's intellect runs amuck.  I'd just written that "understanding doesn't bring peace" -- but, that is taking its sweet time sinking in.   That concept is going to have to burn its way through because of my childhood coping skills.  Those pesky little devils that got me through then are now my own worst enemies now.  They're hard to shake.

I have recently become ultra aware of what damage our dream life (waking), inside our minds can do.        If one really thinks about this, we all live in (and continue to create), ongoing dreams of fantasy inside our minds.  This could be as simple as the dreams a young girl has when she meets her first "real" boyfriend, and the wishful fantasies of her wedding day - in high definition - inside her head.  Or it could be as simple as how we're going to make better choices with our spending habits - yet another dream, on our next payday.  If one thinks about it, our entire lives are completely consumed with envisioned, manufactured dreams.  When broken down to this level, it's really all about our hopes, and our wishes, of what we desire.  I dare to contend, it's a trap, a mental trap.

I recently attempted, one last time - and I do mean LAST time -- internet dating.  I went through a reputable site, one that I believed could be trusted.  I've (despairingly I say) had some bad experiences in past with online ventures - and I've had some good - so it's really been about 50/50.  I thought to myself, what's it going to hurt, one last time?  So off I ventured.  I placed an ad, and immediately had responses.  There seems to always be several men willing and interested in a woman such as myself -- most I  don't care to respond to.  This time one shining star - lept out.  He and I started conversating, quite intensely.  We corresponded for quite a while.  

Of course, it ended up that he wasn't real.  I thank God and only God that I'd protected the deepest part of myself from ultimately becoming engaged emotionally with him.  However, I did created many a dream.  As with any of us, the end of the correspondence meant the end of the dreams. Ending said dreams albeit with a real human being or one you're not sure of -- is a death of an idea, and a grieving we need to attend to.   Because we had our hopes and our visions wrapped up in these ideals, the letting go process needs to take place on some level in order for us to be honorable to ourselves.   Yes, one might say that they were merely thoughts, but they were thoughts enhanced with feelings, a hope, and a vision.  Depending on just how much of any of those three things depends upon how hard the "little death" will be.  For this is what happens when our dreams die.  I tend to think that people do not like to pay homage or respect to their dreams,  but I contend that it is the only emotionally respectful thing to do.  Otherwise, we're leaving things undone and not respecting our journies.

I particularly want to thank God.  First and foremost because He is the front, center, and the guiding force of my life.  I fell prey to my depression on my last post and I am apologetic for this.  My faith was not where and with whom it should have been.  Yes, this is a lean season for me right now -- but this is all that it is, a season.  "This too shall pass." I know in my heart of hearts this to be true.  My God never forsakes me. Just never, period.  It is I that pulls away from Him - and it is always, always my undoing.  Hope that is seen, is not hope.  We as humans want what we want, and we want it now. I'm as guilty as anyone of this.

God's timing - well I tend to think that God knows no time.  Perhaps a thousand years is a day.  We do not know.  What I am sure of, He has me in the palm of His hand.  Everything that is happening in my life - is so for a reason.  Trust, faith, patience, all concepts that aren't in accordance with human nature.  We are greedy, needy, ego centric beings, even when we try really hard not to be.  I'm rethinking this deal.  I may pull away in despair at times, feeling defeated - but you know what?  He is still ever so near me.  I can (and will) get through this.   I just happen to know --- who holds my future.  

"For all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!"
Romans 8:37-38 NIV

I hope you enjoy the video - please listen, it's so good.  God Bless all of you --- May God make a way in your lives where there was none, and may His mighty favor see you safely through this life!!!


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