I don't know if I've ever written about how utterly devastating the emptiness that I feel at times because of the depth of separation I have from human beings. I believe that I have shared some about my plight, but I do not think that I have gotten gut level honest -- as I am about to do right now. In many aspects, it is embarrassing to admit, painful to acknowledge, and completely humbling to bring into the light. I cannot even say with full clarity what my intentions are, nor what my motives might in sharing these brutal truths, other than the possibility of the chance that someone, somewhere connecting - or finding some sort of solace through the the utterance of my words. Although writing is therapeutic for me, my hearts greatest desire is to engage someone's life - to encourage, enlighten, or lend hope. However, at this particular juncture --- hope is not the highest of emotional positions of which I stand today. I apologize ahead of time for this, I would just ask for to be allowed to be fully human and accepted right where I am. I assure you, I would gladly do the same for you. Know this.
I spent the biggest part of the day yesterday curled up, in a semi-fetal position sobbing. An before anyone proceeds to gather - no, I was not indeed, merely feeling sorry for myself. I rarely allow feelings of self-pity to take up residence in me, and the reason being is because I cannot emotionally afford it. My plight in this life is to live with chronic, sometimes unbearable physical pain -- 24 hours - 7 days a week. I have multiple conditions, issues that cause chronic/acute pain that I am powerless over. This existence is not compatible with self-pity. I just cannot allow myself to venture into that territory. I would stay high on some sort of drug consistently if I did -- and I would have the perfect excuse, it's not like my disease doesn't whisper such entitlement in my ear as it stands.
However, yesterday was a day of emotional darkness like I hadn't felt in a long time. If people even knew the degree of devastation and barrenness that my mind can take me to - my life would be different. My lifelong friend did call - and her timing was perfect - she said that she just felt the need to see how I was dong. God bless her, because I was not doing well, at all. She said that she "just had a sense", and she sensed correctly - because I was engaged in some pretty foul thinking, as well as crying quite hard. Her call helped me immensely.
I do not believe that we are meant to be nor exist on this planet alone. I fully believe to do so is indeed, extremely painful. I have yet to understand how it can be that I do have friends that know my plight - yet do not reach out to me more often. That is not a judgment - it is merely a query. I full well know that most folks focus in life is 97% - inward. To me, that's a really scary thing. I would really hate to be that self-absorbed. I'm not certain if because of how I grew up --- having to be always on guard, and ultra hyper-aware in regards to my mother's mood swings, her actions, and her rages...but I think of my fellow man quite a bit. This does not make me superior, in any way - it just makes me mindful. I tend to think too, having been a counselor - I so often ponder what other's think. In all reality - I tend to think TOO much, whether or not that be about life, people, circumstances, ideals, etc. I've written before about my intellect being my undoing. However, this has gotten some better because of Jesus.
I found myself yesterday at the bottom of an emotional abyss. That deep, empty, emotional place where you are ultra alone - and you are most definitely aware of your plight . As Doc tells me, "you are alone Gina", and he doesn't say this to be cruel, it's just the facts. The real problem here, is how to find a solution. What I have arrived at after lending myself to volunteer at (at least) five different agencies - to no avail - I don't have an answer. Life these days is just difficult. I believe that it's going to keep being difficult - and only going to get worse because of technology. I'm not one to find texting - nor even phone calls that particularly stimulating as being with people face to face. That's just me. I have no problem admitting I need people. It's not a bad thing - I think we all do. An I think too, that this is a huge problem with the human race - people will not admit their needs, or short comings. Everyone wants to be or have superpowers. Invincible. Nothing wrong here!! I got my phone!!!!!
How ultimately sad. Sad that a piece of machinery is or has become so important. A lifeline of sorts where human relations and relationship intimacy used to rein supreme. The dark forces of this world must really be loving it. It is the anthesis of human interaction, real friendships, connection -- real anything. It hurts my heart. I truly believe it will be our undoing.
I'm not blaming what I went through yesterday -- my loneliness --nor the lack of connection that I have on technology. I do however, believe it plays a part. Some of what I go through is simply because people don't do what they say that they're going to do -- which is as old as time it's self --- be a person of your word. Because if your not, you're nothing. Our word is all that we have. Stand by it as if you didn't you were going to die. Purposely touch other peoples lives. It's part of what we're here for. We're not here to just fulfill our own desires and each and every whim that comes to mind. Be kind and considerate to your fellow man. Remember do unto others as you would have them do unto you??? Think about someone besides yourself every once in a while. Doing, giving, and being present for others can totally open new and wonderful doors of your own life. Plus it can give you a totally fresh perspective. One that you'll never get if you never reach out and stretch yourself.
Most of all, reach out. All of us know that certain someone that has few family members, and a small group of friends up which they depend upon. If you say you're going to do something with them - follow through, if you can't, let them know. That's just basic respect. It goes both ways. Be that person that can be counted on. You'll make a huge difference in people's lives.
In the big schema of things we all just want to know that we matter.
God Bless ----- Thanks for reading.
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