It's been a minute since I've written. It amazes me that even when I don't seek out God, and I'm lazy in my pursuit of Him - he yet comes to meet me. I so often find things that are just for me, on the net - in books, in different forms of media when the holy spirit speaks directly to my spirt. I'm often overwhelmed with peace, a sense of assurance, and sometime immense joy - at and in awe of just how God speaks to me. I haven't been reading my daily readings. I don't have a good excuse. I'm a little bit afraid that I'm upset with God. I have a hankering that I'm upset because a specific prayer continues to be unanswered. I'm not 'purposely' upset - but it's like I can kind of feel a resentment building, and I cannot seem to stop it. I've been praying this particular prayer for several years now - and I know that God will answer it, it's just that it's such a painful thing. I've endured it about as long as it "feels" I can. I know that God full well knows my circumstance --- and He will do what He believes is best, I just have to have faith - and keep going. I will understand one day.
It's interesting that I arrived at understanding. Every last thing with me is about understanding. It was birthed from my childhood experiences. I couldn't understand why my mother did not love me, and I believed (boy did I) that if I could just know why--- I could accept it. Lots of humans dwell on the why's and where for's. Yet, understanding why something happened does not change the circumstance or alter the substance in any way. I used to ask a great deal of why questions. I finally stopped doing that. Now it's the need to fully comprehend everything. An, that's not what having faith is about. Sometimes life has to hit you between the eyes -- to help you see.
I actually stumbled across a post in Instagram that said "Understanding will never bring you peace." It was from the "Jesus Calling" a book of daily meditation by Sarah Young. It hit me right between the eyes. The passage kind of took my breath. It's so true. Understanding might give you a moment of illumination - but it doesn't bring peace. As far as I know, and I've been around some 55 years --- Jesus is my peace. He is the only thing that gives me peace.
I get so caught up in trying to figure this out, and figure that out -- that I forget who (whom?) my life force is directed from. An that is what I get for not reading my bible daily. An that is not a "have to do" thing -- please know -- my relationship with Jesus is much more out of love for Him, and a true natural desire to seek (and be in) His presence. I just adore how it happens --- if I can describe if successfully. When I am with Him, life is the stillest and most calm, serene place. He comes to meet me like a magnificent warmth, a treasured old friend, and a majestic force. Yet there is no sense of Him overtaking me, the atmosphere is so still and calm as the stillest of waters. At this precise moment I am whole. He is my All in All - and I am Him. Not in a grandiose way, but with all humility - and meekness. We are of one Spirit. It is unlike anything else, ever. I adore it, and I never want it to end. He is my strength, my courage, my hope, and my praise. I am able to pray unlike any other time, in spirit. I am in awe.
I don't know why (here I go again) I would not seek this all the time. We are funny human beings. We often run to what is bad, chaotic for us- and run away from what is wholesome -- don't ask me why. We're an odd lot. At least I know I am. I suppose when one grows up with such dysfunction -- love, connection, warmth, stillness, and hope are quite the opposite of what we seek. I am learning!!!
It's taking some time for this nose surgery to heal. The four hour surgery has taken it's toll on my body, I've been really tired as of late. The brain hasn't been affected too much--- of course, it's ever evolving but the body sure has been beaten up. It's been an ordeal going through it with not having the pain meds to match it --- but I made it. I was quite angry in the beginning - but I've worked through that too. There just is no point in being angry -- even if I do confront the Doctor -- nothing's going to change. I abhor, and I mean abhor people that are dead set against change. Life is change --- our cells renew ever 24 hours---- resistance to change is futile. Don't get me started. LOL
I am so grateful for the messages that God sends me. It makes me feel special - and I don't have much of that in my life. I didn't matter when I was growing up ---- and I don't really matter much in this life. All I ever wanted to do what to help in the process of changing one person's life - and make a difference somehow. I've done that. It doesn't mean I'm done, because I'm not - obviously I wouldn't write if I didn't care. My life is just pretty small right now. It's okay - it's just a season. Seasons come and seasons go. It won't be like this forever.
Just remember understanding will not bring you peace, Jesus does that --- that's why the bible says - "Lean not unto you're own understanding'. We really know so little, but think that we know so much. We get so full of ourselves. An we humanize God. We need to stop doing this. He is so beyond our comprehension. We are but a dot on this little planet. Lest we forget.
God Bless YOU!
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