Without Love, there is no change.
I love Marianne Williamson. I've stated it many times before she has irrevocably, touched my life. From the times that I was in St. Paul, Minnesota when I went to "A Course In Miracles" meetings and dove into her writings - I fell in love with the way she thinks. I've read four of her books I think and passed many to friends. "The Gift of Change" is a lovely place to start if anyone is interested, I think it can be purchased fairly inexpensively on Amazon-- used - that is where I usually go for mine.
I've prayed this prayer. I've prayed many prayers in one of Marianne's "Illuminata" prayer books. Her's are out of this hemisphere. To me, her words, are like velvet, they just must be preciousness to God's heart. I know that the experience that I have had with prayer is just beyond words. I will tell anyone, anywhere, about prayer in my life. God is fulfilling prayer in my life right now. I am healing. Know that. Healing does not come e x e p t and ONLY through pain. This my friends is what it is to grow. As to my comprehension and experience with life thus far - equals making it further down the path towards wholeness.
The truth of it all is that I'm really hurting. More than I ever knew that I could. I think each time we go through deep grief, I don't know but it seems to get worse. All I know is the deeper you loved, the harder you grieve. The depth of the loss is the recovery you have to attain. Sometimes I get angry because I have certainly been through enough for my lifetime and then some. I decided today - no more. This heart is closed for business. I'm not loving people anymore. It's just too difficult. This heart is officially chrome plated.
Losing people is a natural part of life. I completely understand this, and I can mentally conceptualize it. If only I was allowed to just stop right there. Life would be grand!
I've shared with you guys I don't particularly (I mean who does?) enjoy the emotional pain in life. I tried every last thing I could, to avoid it. Sometimes I still do. However, emotions are with us - and a part of us for reasons. It's mostly for me, that I grew up in such high stress and powerlessness. There was a lot of fear and uncertainty too. There's nothing like being bombarded with all of that when you are a child with no one to turn to for love, or nurturing. When what you get consistently are rejection and disdain. It is impossible to form a sense of self without comfort and security. It is maddening. I've shared with you all before about my childhood. I have learned how to manage my emotions to the best of my ability, the best way that I know how. It's been a long, hard, arduous road. I cannot even put into words my journey, it's just too much. Right now anyway. I have faith that one day, I'll find the words, and be able to. I always have hope. If it is meant to be for me to bring forth fruit by my sharing a message like that, the Holy Spirit will speak through me. I have complete confidence.
Growth takes much out of you. And you make mistakes. Old mistakes. The kind that you full well know are coping skills that don't work. I do not know what it is in me that makes me keep trying to do the same damn thing over and over when I know the result. Yet, there I go. I even know all of the underlying motivating factors that propel me towards these actions. I know the damned outcome. But what do I do? Yep. I truly think - or at least my pastor did that its kind of similar to something that (and please don't think I'm comparing myself (gosh) the Apostle Paul struggled with - he called it - a thorn in his side. He struggled with being liked, just like we all do. This particular part of his personality would lend him to make choices that didn't sit well with his heart. Sometimes our desires and needs get conflicted along with our idea's or beliefs. We're in a juxtaposition. It can be torture emotionally depending on the circumstances.
Living life in balance - and in alignment with our values, beliefs, goals, aspirations ... Can be tiring. I know exactly why Jesus said, "My peace, I give unto you". I'm pretty sure that is from John - not sure just where but I've read it many times - and I adore it every time. I don't know about anyone else, but there's just no way I could make it through this without God. I know I still don't have the relationship with Him that I want, need, or desire. It's because of me, not Him. See, I prayed for this pain. When I prayed for the healing. Because one does not come, without the other. It's just all I know.
God placed this individual in my life to heal me. Because I ask Him to. I did not know how, when, through what means, how long, or how I'd feel... I knew none of that. However, it was a beautiful, stressful, complicated, fulfilling, -- journey. Everything is a journey --- unless you refuse to take the turn. I may be encountering grief, but know it's encased with emeralds and rubies. I will emerge from the grip of this grief a changed woman. My heart. Be still.
Thank You, Jesus, for life. Breath, and pain.
With my deepest gratitude. Eternally.
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