"Becoming willing"

Willingness takes an enormous amount of courage.  I pray for it sometimes.  Much depends upon what it is we're attempting to do - me?  I'm battling with my  last two addictions.  Nicotine, and spending.  I'm so tired of it.  It seems we almost have to be broken, to let somethings go.  I have yet to comprehend this.  Especially when it comes to my smoking.  Why a person does something over and over, that knowingly is harmful, is oblivious to me.  Well of course, we know it's addictive - and despite my internal dislike, I do it - over and over.

A slave some would say.  Perhaps I am.  I look at my trash can, and it's full of spent monies - that I'd really rather have gone elsewhere.  Burning up money -- that's what smoker's do.  It's actually quite insane.  It isn't even pleasurable any longer.  So the veritable question remains, why do it?  The only answer I have - which may not seem reasonable to many, is: because my brain tells me to.

Willingness:  The quality or state of being prepared to do something.  This is the definition.  Prepared??   This puts a new slant upon it.  I never thought about it that way.  I'm not prepared, I suppose this is the problem.  It requires action.  Guts.  I have that.  I've done this before, I just cannot stay quit.  I guess that is not quitting, it's just stopping for a period of time.  Truth be told.

I don't know if there is (yet there has to be) anyone else out there like me.  I'm such an addictive personality type.  I admit this, yet I've (with God's help of course) done tremendous amounts of work on myself.  I no longer struggle with (praise God) chemical addiction, nor alcohol - but it has managed to finagle it's way into other parts of my life.  I don't like this.  I don't like it, at all.

There is something I'm not trusting - or surrendering.  If it were not so, I'd be free from it all.  I've noticed in the past, removing the nicotine brings up feelings.  I know that my spending covers my feelings as well.  Goodness, how I hate emotional pain.  I guess we all do.  I've had enough of it in my life.  However, as long as we live, and live an open life - we will experience more.  We cannot experience beauty, joy, nor enlightenment without heartache and pain.  They just come in equal measure.  It is just how life works.  Without rain there'd be no flowers.  If there's no risk, there is no reward.

I have a few weeks before college starts.   I miss the energy that I had when I stopped smoking before, and I am really tired of the headaches that the smoking gives me.  Somehow, someway - I have to find it in me to let this thing go for the final time.  I need to release it's grip on me.  I have to surrender to it, somehow.  That's the  only way I'm going to win.  I can't beat it, I'm powerless over it.  Surrender is the answer.  It's always the answer when dealing with an addiction - one must turn it over to something greater than oneself.  It's a spiritual solution.  This is where the willingness to quit comes from, as well.

One would not think that a stick of tobacco could become one's friend, but that is what has happened with me.  The relationship with smoking is very intimate.  It is always with you, and you take it in your very breath.  It doesn't get much more intimate that this.

They've always been there for me, or available when I needed them.  (I realize to the average person that this must sound insane, but there has to be one person that this will resonate with).  They've never let me down.  Therein lies the madness.  This is what the addiction tells you -- like a separate voice in your head.  "They're your best friend....." alas, my worst enemy.  The juxtaposition is bizarre.  The  light at the end of the tunnel is becoming clearer.  I actually hate these things.  I don't use that word, rarely.  However, cigarettes have stolen thousands of dollars from me, over the years.  Perhaps it took writing about it to get clear.  They've stolen energy, money, time and motivation.  It's given me nothing.  Stress, strife, and stench.

Perhaps this blog is totally for me, and for that I apologize.  However, this writing that I do, is therapeutic in nature for me.  My hope is that it inspires someone else.

I've just written and became willing -- albeit perhaps angry - but it is a start.
I'm trying to save for a car, and smoking is so futile.  In any size, shape of form -- it is wasted money.  I deserve to treat myself better.  My body is a temple.  I've not be treating it as such.  It's time I did.  

 

Freedom

I've had the pleasure of being in someone's presence who calms my heart,a few times in my life.  I consider it an honor.  Those rare person's whom seem to hold your heartbeat in their eyes.  They just make breathing, easier.  They enlarge the heart.  Everything that you experience, a gift.  A gift, straight from Heaven.  No matter where you go nor what you do -- there is such a sublime specialness to it, just to be near them.  Most often times, they are not even aware.  

We live in a world that seems to support nondisclosure of such feelings.  It's just too raw.  It leaves the heart to wide open,  most would say -- for hurt.  Yet, the life that I live and believe in -- does not allow me to hide behind such walls.  If there's ever been great loss -- one is almost pressed, to make full disclosure.  As I live and breathe, I have made it my passion to tell the people that I love, that I love them.  Most would consider it naive - reckless even - I call it being living life.  If we never open ourselves up, or take a risk, we do not live life to it's fullest.  I want life -- and all that it has to offer me on earth.  

I'm learning in the experience of unconditional love - even romantic love, it is not about possessing another person.  It is not about having to make him or her "mine," in matters of the heart.  I believe in order to fully love someone, heart and soul - we have to be willing to let go.  We have to accept situations, circumstances for what they are, and people for who they are.  Therein lies the gift of loving.   I don't have to "own" someone to love them with all my heart.  The desire is there, but I don't arrange the conditions, God does.  The love is free for me to feel.  Not everyone can comprehend this, nor wants to.  I just believe in order to love someone, we must give them the freedom to choose.  Their choices are separate from me.  As well, their love may not be as vast.  

I honor this in myself, it has taken me a very long time to obtain this comprehension.  People come and people go -- but their spirits reside in us forever.  We leave marks upon each other, that last a lifetime.  Our relationships never fully end, unless we fail to mend.  It is in the mending of the heart - and the management of our ego needs, that allows us to free the individual.  We cannot possess another's heart, we can only reside in it.  The more freedom we give each other, the more aptly we place that person in the position to experience miracles.  Miracles are a change in how we view our world, both inner and outer.  Love sets us free.  Free to grow, change, expand, and to obtain depth of spirit.  It calls us to our Creator.  For this is from which all love flows.  It is the ultimate love.  As is loving oneself.   I love myself and I'm free to love others much more deeply.  Much more freely.  It is much like planting a seed -- nurturing it -- allowing it to grow -- and eventually watching it become what it was destined to be.  It is as love, pure in it's highest form, is.  

I will spend time with this individual soon.  I'm as anticipant as a child awaiting Christmas.  All the while, ever trying to watch expectation - but expecting beauty of the day.  This is what I anticipate.  To honor our time together - an to cherish every moment.  To feel every feeling. To breathe the breath of love, and to hide behind nothing.  To celebrate who we are, and how much we've grown.  I've been told that I'm setting myself up to get hurt - and that I should think more of myself - however, the truth is, I do think highly of myself.  I go for the gusto of life.  I live it as it is, for what it is.  Do I wish, hope, and dream?  I'd not be human, if I did not.  However again, I relinquish the fear that most people have in fully living life.  I'd much rather touch beauty, than to deny it.  

We interact with the world in such a manner that expresses our spirits, and it's wholeness.  Will there be some pain involved?  I'm certain of it.  Albeit -- this is not a dressed rehearsal.  What I live for today, the wonder I seek, the love I allow myself to feel -- just increases the experiences of my lifetime.  I choose not to deny myself love, even if it's limited to a few hours.  It's still love.  It still exists even though two persons may part.  The quilt in the fabric of my life will have brilliant colors -- I will have no regrets.  I will have had a glimpse of God's immeasurable beauty, because I made no excuses for fear.  Fear and love cannot coexist.  One tries to control the other.  The woman that I am, will always choose love.   

Heart of God

"Saving" Faith.....

I've been struggling as of late.  Interpersonal relationships, relationships, my behavior -- etc.  I met with a new therapist today.  I was excited to see her - I have known her on a professional level, so I trust her.  Trust, is a big issue with me.  I'm finding out, much more that I really ever knew.  I thought I trusted people, and that people were/are basically good.  I've had several instances in my life where something, albeit - life forces or what -- keep giving me evidence that human's aren't trustworthy.  Things that have been happening in my life have been very unfair - unjust even.  Yet, I was taught an know, life isn't fair.  My Dad used to tell me that if there was a fair, it wouldn't even stop in our town...... that's how unfair life is.  

I mention my Father often in my blog.  I think of my Father, every single day.  I miss him.  I even wish at times, I could leave this earth and go and be with him.  I guess I do this because I'm not satisfied with  my life.  There's still a huge hole in  my life.  My therapist said today, "you were dependent upon him, for everything."  This is about as accurate as it gets.  He was my hero, my cheerleader, my mentor, my best friend, my protector, all of these things -- on top of being my dad.  He fit many roles for me growing up.  My Mother was just (God bless her) just not nurturing.  I've written about her -- she was a narcissist.  

I have no family.  I have no veritable "got your back," kind of folks.  I have friends, but even the grandest of friends, have limitations.  This is just human nature.  

Somehow, someway - I have to transition myself from the dependency that  I have upon my earthen Father to my heavenly Father.  For you see, one is getting in the way --- of the other.  There is fear involved, which always separates me from God, and hinders my faith.  I had someone recently wish to tell me how to write this blog - and it wasn't that I cannot take criticism, for I can..... but this blog is for me, and my pursuit of peace.  There isn't a right or a wrong way of doing it.  If people choose to read it, fantastic - if it helps someone, fabulous!  I want it to.  I want people to be able to relate to how I'm feeling/thinking and find some sort of enlightenment.  That's who Gina is.  But I digress.  

I guess I see God/Jesus as somewhat far away.  Yet I know that the HolySpirit resides inside my heart.  However, is this an intellectual knowing? Or a heart knowing?  The problems reside in the feelings.  I do at times feel God - and thus brings to surface the power of faith.  I do have it, but just like anyone else, it wavers.  There's been times when I had the faith of a giant.  However, as of late, it's been the pea under the mattress.  I've allowed myself to let life's circumstances outweigh my faith.  I think we christians do that?  

If only when we go through experiences that are difficult - and come out a changed being.... and our faith soars - we could hit a 'save' button.  Wouldn't that be grand?  If we could ride on that feeling for the rest of our lives?  If we could make decisions and stick to them.... and always know that the universe had your back?  God is the universe to me, He designed it, why not?  He hung the moon, and sprinkled the stars.  Every little insect has a purpose... yet we struggle to find ours.  Perhaps it is simple, and we complicate it.  I don't know.  I don't know a lot of things.  I do know that the Bible contains lots of promises.  I don't believe that God is one that doesn't keep His word.  Where I get off track, is when I try and control the deal.  Surrender, powerlessness, and supplication - to His will is oft times hard.  For me, when I'm spiritually centered, it's mostly about helping others, and being the best person I can be - kind, compassionate, giving, graceful and humble.  It requires me to not be focused on ME.  My wants, desires, and dreams.  I really do surrender all of that to God.  I focus on Jesus's life, and very little upon mine.  My life just goes much smoother.  I'm filled with hope - I find direction - and I am encouraged.  I don't berate myself, I don't put my brain into supercomputer mode.  I don't try to fix the matters of the heart VIA the mind.  The mind cannot heal the heart.  I've tried for years.  I've put my mind through terrible ordeals.  Wrestling with the truths of life, and trying to avoid PAIN - the pain that we all feel, day after day.  

Jesus came to heal.  Heal the broken hearted, and mend the sick - and SO much more.  He came that we may have life, and to have it abundantly.  Not to live in the self-imposed mental prison that I do at times.  I deserve His peace, His promises, and His love.   I think (here I go again) that perhaps, it is a matter of choosing to feel these things.  It is a perspective of the heart.  I know that God loves me --- but somehow, someway - I've got to allow it to settle into my soul.  The barrier between the head and the heart is trust.  One must make a beginning.  We get that chance, every fresh morn.  

I've somehow, got to release my grip on my earth Father.  I've got to make that quantum leap to my heavenly Father.  I don't do goodbye's well.  Being that my Dad was all the family I really ever had, besides my Aunt, who is also past as well -- I am really alone in the world.  I've got to accept this.  Acceptance is all we have - when it comes to powerlessness.  However, it is in the perception, if it is surrender or defeat.  I would never choose the passive way.  Surrender is a beautiful thing -- if one chooses to see it as such.  It really is about winning.  Winning with an open, willing heart.  We allow wonder, wisdom, and wealth to enter our domain.  Our physical and our ethereal domain.  It grants us grace.  Grace is a gift - the most luxurious gift.  Beauty beyond explanation.  Life here on earth isn't enough.  I don't think it ever will be.  I yearn to see God.  I long to see Jesus.  Call me crazy -- but it is how I feel.  He is my family.  My soul provider.  What I have to do it to start acting like it again, and stop trying to fill up this self imposed void with stuff.  I have to stop thinking, period - and know.  As my pastor says, "Learn to sit down, on the inside."  Sit down with my grief, sit down with the unfairness of life, sit down with life, period.  I don't have to fix it.    

God's got me.  

Loneliness/Don't you need?

I know at this writing that there are others who understand how I feel at times.  That state of feeling completely, utterly alone in a world full of people.  The emptiness, the depression, the sadness of being that sinks to my soul.  The wondering, the searching -- the pain in the endless question, "will I be like this the rest of my life?"

I was lying in the tanning bed last night, it had been storming earlier, raining for the past few days two ... crying.  I know what I feel it a normal result of a lack of human contact - and a missing basic need.  Chances are, it's more than one.  Love and belonging.  It's a basic need.  Food, shelter,  I have those things, (praise God) however I lack people in my life.  I have no sisters, I'm not close (that's putting it nicely) with my brothers, and all other family is far away - and we don't interact much.  I have one or two very close friends, but they have full families, and busy schedules.  They don't know the life I lead.  Nor could they really ever relate, or imagine.

It's an emptiness despite my connection to God at times.  A longing for companionship even if it is just for conversation, and a cup of coffee.  It is so strong sometimes, it feels as if my soul splits in two.  I struggle with knowing if it is old pain surfacing, or the pain of being alone and the fear of it's continuing until death.  There are no promises anywhere that tell me I will partner, so the fear is real.

It's difficult.  It's devastating really.  Not only do I feel alone in reality - I feel alone in knowing my plight.  My friends don't understand my situation, and I wonder sometimes when two or more days go by and I don't hear from them, do they care?

Our experiences on this earth are our own.  I don't know if it's so much true that "we make our beds, now we have to lie in it," - this just seems rather harsh to me.  I didn't choose to have distant family - nor brothers that basically hate me.  I am not choosing to be alone.  Yet, I am.  I do believe that where ever we are in life, there's reason....  It's just that I've yet to discover what that is.  Why I feel like I'm dying inside sometimes, and the depression so vast - that I think the "other world," might be a better place.  Perhaps it would be more welcoming than this world.  This world is not welcoming.  At least, I've not found it to be - and I know as a christian, I'm not supposed to.

It isn't that I don't look inside for God at these times, but I hunger for human companionship.  Anyone would.  The hours I spend alone - seem endless.  I know that God is always there, I know this through my faith.  There just are those times, when I'm totally and fully human - despite who I am supposed to be in Christ.  I don't know what it is that I'm not doing ( and it isn't about that -- God doesn't need for me to do anything for my Salvation - Jesus did it all) or if I get into my head to much.  I just know that there is a need that I have, that's not being fulfilled.  One can't fix a loneliness need, alone.  I just don't see how.

I do make choices, I get busy, and I usually end up doing something -- but that feeling is still in my gut.  It's not the easiest in the world to explain either.  It propels me to do things to fill up that void.  People just don't understand the state of aloneness.  I know my friends don't.  How could they with children, husbands, and busy lives?  They don't have chronic pain, which disables me more some days than not - always grinding at my mind.  They don't have empty nests.  They aren't missing, well what 'seems' anything.  I realize that's how things look from the outside.  This is never a fair assumption.  However, depression - rides me like a merry-go-round.  It reminds me of what I don't have.  It reminds me of where my Dad is.  It tells me that this is a better place.  At least there would be people that love me there.  Not this round ball we live on, where people (most) could care less.

Forgive my negativity.  For depression has my breath.  People's singleness of  mind upsets my spirit.  I just think (and believe) that we are put on this earth to encourage each other.  Most are too busy.  Most can't be bothered.  I don't understand this.  I suppose it is just who I am.  I am the person who thinks about others.  This is why I blog my thoughts, just in case someone else might feel the things that I struggle with, and feel understood - or less alone.   It helps me clear out the cobwebs of my mind, granted - but my hope is that there is some universality in it.

So if you are alone, and depressed - know that what you feel is normal.  We're missing a need.  Don't allow other to tell you what you feel isn't valid.  Don't ever allow anyone to tell you, "you just need to get busy," - because that won't fix it.  Alone and busy - is still alone.  I shop -- and it isn't good.  I'm still trying to fill that hole in my gut.  The place where feeling like you belong lives.  The one my depression loves to eat me alive with.  It reminds me of all of my flaws, misgivings, and just how alone I really am.

I don't know what the solution is.  For once I don't actually know.  I've never claimed to know everything.  I know that when I draw nearer to God, I feel better - but I believe there's reason for these feelings.  I do believe that at some point, I won't always feel this way.  I've talked to  my pastor about this, and he tells me, it's quite human, what I feel.

Perhaps it's been the rain, or that I've been in more pain.  These days will pass, they usually do.  It's a full moon as well.  That moon will get me, every time.  The days will blend - I'll start school and meet some new people, maybe someone lonesome like me.  I know my Father (in Heaven) knows my need. I know when the time is right - His timing, this need will be met.  I just have to keep my faith, feel the feelings as they come, and keep going.  God is the supplier of our needs.  I know this.  I'm just human.  I have days where I feel like Eve without Adam.  I feel like there was no Adam created.  It's my doubting mind.  It's my depression.  I don't like that I feel this way - but I do.  There are people out there that care, they just have their limitations, and can't fix what is causing pain inside of me.  I have to do that.  Well, me and God.  My day will come - and what a glorious one it will be.  

Closer to Divine

I adore this song.  I adore these women.  I saw them in Minneapolis in the 90's.  Listening to them brings back precious memories of times that were so fresh and free.  

As this song says, "The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine."  How true that is.  

I've been at such unrest lately.  Struggling to figure out the why's and where fore's.  I know that everything we go through in life has reason -- and lesson.  However, I also know that sometimes it just takes time and quiet for the answers to come.  It seems the harder I dig, the more disquiet I become.  I grow farther from God.  I cannot hear His voice, and it is His voice that I want to hear.  

I don't know what it is about the human mind, that relies upon itself.  Where we get that we have to do this life thing on our own.  It actually takes work, a steady practice to keep God in my life.  I don't admit that easily.  I guess that comes from an analytical mind.  A 'figure it out, fix it, and move on' type of being.  Independence, one might say -- but I don't want to rely on my own understanding -- for  my way of doing things usually gets me into trouble.  It has not been but for God that my life has dramatically turned around.  I pay complete homage to that. My Creator has intervened drastically and I am completely, utterly, grateful.  

People come, and people go - they leave marks upon our lives.  I don't loose people easily.  I'm just not made that way.  I am a very loyal person.  My friendships are forged usually for life.  It disquiets my soul to loose someone - even if they are toxic.  I give a person every benefit of doubt - until it harms me in some manner.  I must admit, it is still hard for me to let it go.  I guess I am just one of those few who believes we are to lay down our lives for our friends, and that people are basically good - despite their demons.  I see people's potential.  It's just inbred in me.  It causes me to second guess myself many times.  This is where I go astray from my intuition.  Besides that -- there is the fact that we are to treat others AS we would like to be treated -- not how they treat us.  My ego gets in the way of that one.  

Taking care of yourself is not easy.  Especially your emotionality.  The drive for self protection is there, but the mind can sometimes be weak, as well as the heart.  We can have feelings for the persons involved.  I vacillate between my head and heart for answers for what to do gracefully.  For being a creature of integrity, grace, and humility are things that I aspire greatly.  It makes choices in behavior difficult at times, depending upon how one is treated.  When I do choose to sever the relationship - it leaves a residue on my life.  

Coming home to God - we always have the ability to come back to the arms of our Savior.  Whether we've distanced ourselves via mind, body, or spirit, -- we've been the one that's distanced.  He was there all the time.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, can separate us from God's love --  much unlike what I'd been told in my youth.  How precious this information is to me. How safe it makes me feel, and how freeing.  

It took me a long time to understand that God already knows me.  He already knows what I'm going to do.  He is standing at the end of my life, and is waiting for me.  So the "cringing",  the 'oh my gosh,' that I do over my silly behavior, isn't necessary.  God already knew I was going to do it.  His embrace is so complete, so beyond my comprehension - that it allows me to not be so difficult with myself.  He made me the way that I am.... every hair, every mole, every freckle.  Nothing that I do surprises Him.  He is male and female - for he created both -- set the stars in the sky -- and brought forth life.  He loves like we cannot even Fathom.  While we were yet sinners, He loved us.  I'm not talking religion - but relationship with Him.  I don't do religion.  That's man's rules.  He loves us so much that He gave His only Son to us that we might have life- and have it more abundantly.  Abundance, peace, and love.  Not discord, disharmony - and disquiet.  That I bring on myself.  His love brings perfect peace.  Peace that is beyond comprehension.  Beyond circumstances.  I forget this sometimes -- until I begin to reach out to another.  It is through my kindness that I find God.  

Yesterday's blog was not kind.  My mind has been ablaze.  I've been searching for answers to questions that I cannot answer.  God touched my shoulder this morning.  He reminded me where true peace lies.  The searching has stopped.  I don't know where the obstacles come from, but it doesn't matter. I know what I need to do now.  Staying centered is a choice.  One that  must be made everyday.  Listening, discerning - and being in commune with God.  Much of what happened to me would not have happened if I had been centered.  Sometimes we just have to keep relearning lessons.  The teacher will keep returning until we do.   

Ramblings of an unquiet mind........

I've been trying to settle my mind enough to write for the last three days.  I have so much in my head.  I've not written in so long - several things have transpired - job loss, relationships, emotional turmoil, beginnings, and endings.  I've ran into toxic people.  You know the kind.  The ones that either make you want to cut you're own throat, or theirs.  I've done some things 'unbecoming' of myself.   Nothing drastic, but things that I wrestle with in my spirit today, and yesterday.

I struggle with relationships that are difficult.  I am a creature of peace.  I do NOT like discord.  I avoid it at all cost.  It is not because I cannot take proper care of myself, but because I do have a dark side, just like everyone else.  Buttons get pushed, things get said that cannot be taken back - and there's inappropriate behavior at times.  I'm one of those persons too - that things don't always 'hit' me right away -- it might take me a minute or two to process it.  I'll catch it, but it might not be immediate.  This is a result of massive work- inner work that I've done to stop being so reactionary.  I used to be so emotionally reactive.  I owe that to God - and much prayer.  The only negative in this is that people get away with saying things to me that I needed to respond to right away - and I've conditioned myself so, I don't catch it emotionally that quickly.  I think I owe it to the peace that I live in.  My body will begin to respond afterwards.... in a big way.  Many times, by then it is too late.  The damage has already been done.  The wound already scabbed.  The mind ablaze.  This is the kind of toxicity  I've dealt with as of late.

When a person comes into your life, professing positivity, projections of motivation, promising affirmation -- and placing demands upon you --- run for the hills.  Especially if this person talks excessively.  I was wined, dined, and manipulated.  I was told who I was, and what I needed to do.  I was told all that I was capable of.  From a stand point of what looked positive - the boosting, the affirmations "you're amazing!!!" --- which was being said to everyone -  so it was a lie.  I say this because this person knew nothing about me.  Nothing, nada.  It was all about what I projected.  To top it all off, I kept being told what I was capable of.  My head was in a whirlwind.  A whirlwind until, I tried to tell him how I felt -- and I got, "where did that come from," and "this exhausts me!"  Interesting.  What a narcissist!!!  I'd ran into my Mother again, damn it!  A much bigger and more gregarious one at that.  When I did try and share my life, I got "get over it"......  Nothing, nothing, enrages me more that those three words.

 I am and live to be a compassionate creature, and I will not have persons with that mentality in my life.  We are all the collection of experiences of our lives.  There is no such category as "get over it."  It is the fabric of the quilt of my life, my story.  How dare a person say something so unfeeling, cold, and selfish as this.  This is a mentor?  This is a  unfeeling robot.  An ignorant (meaning lack of knowledge) one at that.

So - I've been perplexed, angry, and the deal is everyone things this guy is the bomb.  He puts on a grandiose  show.  Most unfeeling, uncaring, emotionless  robots do.  People will think what they want, and that is expected.  The part that enrages me is what is being said about this behind my back.  I don't know.... it was mentioned one day that I was acting a "little crazy."  That my 'filter' was dirty -- I'm far from crazy - or emotionally taunted.  I'm very cohesive.  Sharper than most.  I have baggage, but I manage it well, or I'd have not managed this situation as well as I did - because I'm not sharing it all.

What I wish to accomplish in this writing is for people to know your worth.  Listen to your gut.  Listen to the what your second nature is telling you - what ever you may call it.  Your body knows when you'd been wronged.  It doesn't matter how fast a person talks, nor how they try and tell you how messed up you are - don't listen to them.  If a person tells you to get over it, tell them to "go to hell."   No one has a right to tell you how long your emotional process takes.  Grief is without a timeline.  Emotional trauma is without a timeline.  Abuse is abuse.  Statements like that are abusive, as far as I'm concerned.  A statement like that doesn't come out of someone's mouth that gives a rip about you, nor your life.  Take heed.  They haven't touched their own pain, lest they wouldn't be afraid of yours.

I'll be much more careful in the male arena next time.  I'm a bit naive and trusting, but I learned something this time - wolves come in sheep's clothing.  An sometimes they profess positivity and light - but they're toxic.  Many things can affront a predator - in this day and age, one cannot be too careful.  People aren't always what they appear to be......