Pray When it Hurts the Most.

 It's been a little while since I've written.  Much has transpired.  There is just no way that I can communicate everything - but I will certainly attempt to hit the high points... and those things that have been most meaningful for me.  I do this in hopes that I can impart something of value to you...through my experience.  This is my prayer.

I've still been in a deep place of what feels like a devastating "draught", a lack of human companionship up until these last few days.  Despite my attempting to initiate some volunteer opportunities, other than those that are paid to interact with me, I have had little contact with people.  I have been to a few places, the V.A., the library, and a nursing home close to me - in hopes of obtaining a volunteer position, with no luck.  I did get a response from the nursing home, but I got sick and couldn't go - and of course I felt bad, and didn't go back.  I need to reconnect with the woman that I saw, because there is need there.

This draught, and huge lacking of interaction with people has driven me into the Word of God - and daily conversations, prayer, with Him.  This has been the best thing that I could have done, and literally the only answer that I had.  Please don't look at this/that like --- He was the last resort, because I surely don't mean it that way.  God has always been here/there for me.  If you read what I write, you'll know - my history with the Father goes way back - but since my beloved pastor moved to California -- I have been pretty devastated.

 I was quite transformed by Grace.  Actually, completely transformed by the New Testament.  I didn't really know that it existed - and that's sad to say - after all the years that I'd been in church.  However, I know that right now, there are people that don't really know that the New Covenant exists - and what that means... to them relationally - by faith- or to them personally.  An I say that because IT"S HUGE!!!!  I think that a lot of churches just stop preaching Jesus after Easter and the resurrection of Jesus - but the resurrection is EVERYTHING !!!  It's is His coming back to life that we live for - and through!!!  It's not just that He died (although this is triumphant ), we must learn to understand what it means that He resurrected!! Because it is through His resurrection that we gain our inheritance - and life in Him.  It's how He took away what was against us, in our way, and contrary to us.  It is how we live with Him - alive today.  If that doesn't make sense to you - message me - comment, and I will gladly explain.............!  It would put joy in my heart.

However this is not my topic today.  I want to share with you about praying when if "feels" like you cannot.  Praying when everything inside you (flesh) is telling you that God "left the building"...  An I say this because as humans, we feel things.  It's natural.  Jesus had feelings when He was here on earth - the bible tells us He did.  Remember the shortest scripture ? "Jesus wept."  ?  Yes, He too had feelings.  Some of us, not all - we kind of live threw or in accordance with, our feelings.  Sometimes they get overwhelming - mine do.  When I'm really hurting - I tend to "feel" heavy feelings - and it is sometimes impossible to feel/sense the holy spirit.  I just can't sense God with me.  That's the thing.  God isn't a feeling.  He's Substance.  He's Truth.  He's the Way, and the Life.  One thing that He isn't - is a feeling.  We get this confused sometimes  We look for Him in the wrong places.  We seek validation and conformation where it cannot be found.  An when our hearts are hurting, it's hard to believe.  I'm not sure exactly why that is, but it's true.

I recently did kind of an experiment, and completed an assignment that I had from my Doctor - which was to move my Dad's memory box from my office... Doc felt like it was pulling all of my grief into it, and that it was not allowing me to move forward.  One of the things that has been so difficult for me when my Dad passed was feelings of vulnerability in the world.  I felt so all alone, so devastated. Dad had always been there for me, and I did not know how to "be" in the world without my Dad.  So as I've been going through this process - I did what Doc asked and I sat an allowed myself to actually feel vulnerable.           It was extremely painful.  I cried for a long time.  Hard.  However, I realized when I was about halfway through, it was just a feeling.  It was intense, but it was still, just feelings -   No one came to hurt me.  There weren't any predators knocking at my door just waiting to pounce!  An most of all, I DIDN"T DIE!  As crazy as that may sound, that is what my crazy thoughts had been.  "If you allow yourself to feel that.... YOU"LL DIE!"

I highly recommend for a person to experience that. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable.  It really released me.  A huge burden has been lifted off of me.  This stems from my childhood - where it was never safe.  Vulnerability was death.  Anything but control (and knowing) was the end of me.  But those days are behind me now.  Praise God!!!  An I'm SO ready to move forward.  That act of experiencing those feelings that were forbidden, was a transformation for me.  I don't know that I knew that then - but after I knew.  I did know enough that when I was in that horrible pain to thank God for it.  Yes, that's what I said, I praised God -- all the way through that pain.  I've done that pretty much my whole life - because pain changes us.  It's a catalyst.  During those times of devastating, nasty, gut wrenching, ugly face crying --- is when I seek my Father's face!  It is when I need Him the most!!  He is the only One that I want to see.  I need His heart to heal me.  Especially when I am dealing with issues of  my childhood.  He will not forsake you!  He will never leave you!  Oh, humans will leave you.  I'll tell you that.  In a heartbeat.  But God will not.  Praise Him, thank Him for your pain, acknowledge Him - and He will heal your heart!  I'm living proof!!!

So with renewed hope, and a wellspring of freshness in my heart - I acknowledge the transformation that is alive in me.  Please know - the power to change and grow is just as alive in you.  If I can be released from my burdens, as devastating as mine have been - and as long as I've been burdened - so can you.  Yes, change can be- and is often scary.  We must remember that we are never alone, and lean not on our understanding - because our limitations are many.  Our finite minds cannot comprehend God - and we need to stop trying to, and let God be God, relax and watch Him work His miracles in our lives.  Is God still in the miracle business?  Oh yes, my friend.  That's a resounding YES!!!  Read my transformation from religion to relationship - specifically "Grace 101".  It's all in there - in that area.  Find yourself a precious relationship with the Lord of Lord's and the King of King's.... a personal one, and find peace like you've never known.  You'll never be the same.



Thank you, Father God - for the beauty that is Your consuming heart.  Thank you for loving me, as only You can.  I'm humbled by Your mercy, and incapable of finding words for the never ending gift that is Your grace.  The peace that I have found in You - is priceless.  Lord I pray for those that I love, please keep them safe and sound - watch, guide, protect, and lead them into all righteousness Lord - and I pray blessings an bountiful favor over their lives.  Father, please touch all those that partake in my expressions - Father, show up in a mighty way in their lives.  Guide them, protect them, love them.  Father, lead us to all truth - and walk with us in peace.  These things Father, I ask in our Savior, Jesus's holy name, Amen!  

To the Table

Zach Williams "To the Table"

I"m really down today - I'm not sure why - having a hard time just getting around, but as I do - God's music motivates me.  I really wanted to share this one with all of you.  Zach has really impacted me these last few months.  As I've struggled, in my christianity - and my addiction, feelings of worthiness - and my attempts to feel whole.  I think we all grapple with wanting to be "normal" what ever that really is.  But for me, the days --- not much unlike today, when I crawl out of bed and I'm in so much pain that my only motivating thoughts are to "get meds"... it doesn't make for a real great day.  It has me feeling weak, dependent, and small.  When I allow myself to ponder all of the physical things that I am battling, depression really sets in.  I have to fight it with every breath.

I do have to work harder than the average person to motivate myself to do most things.  Even to do something as simple as take a shower, or prepare a meal.  I hate to  p u s h.  And to be brutally honest,  there's been many times that I've questioned God why this is?  For those of you that think that we cannot dare question God, I say - I think He can handle it.  But then again, those dreaded "why" questions are useless.  For whatever reason, and this goes for your burdens too--- this is our life.  It most defiantly is up to us how we choose to deal with it/them.

I, myself have made a great many mistakes in my life.  The word "sin" broken down into the greek, means -"to miss the mark".  Sin and it's connotations really aren't as devilish - or evil as most people think.  This is not to say that there aren't really evil and devilish people in the world, because we all know that there are.  But for sake of my writing - the times that we make mistakes, or "miss the mark" with our behaviors, and what we do to ourselves on the inside -- it is often much, much worse than anything God would ever do to us.  We so often feel shame, guilt, anguish, separation, and even devastation because of the mistakes that we make.  We have been led to believe that God turns away from us when we fail.  Let me tell you, this is just not true.  It never has been.  I can say this because - there has always been forgiveness.  There's always been grace.  God knew when Eve ate the apple that we were going to be flawed.  As the song says (and I hope you listen to it carefully) there isn't anything that you've done that He hasn't heard before...

I wrote last time about shame.  Shame is like a fungus.  It loves the dark.  It lives to keep you imprisioned.  It has some big, scary, frightful feelings associated with it.  I know, I lived with it for many years.  But I also know that it can be healed.  Even if it has to happen in baby steps.  The course of action - matters little.  My hope will always be- that you comprehend and digest that God/Jesus are the epitome of Love.  Do you know that this is what we were put on earth, what we were created for???  For God to love us.  It's really that simple --- and that awesomely, amazingly beautiful.  It inspires such AWE and majesty inside of me most times that I get chill bumps.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, not even your mom or dad loves you that much.  It is just more than we can even fathom.

He is the sole creator of the emotion --- LOVE.

So, I hope that give you pause today.  My hope is that you'll join me in bringing your burdens, sorrows, flaws, problems, difficulties --- whatever the case may be -- to the table to HIM today.  It's so worth it.  You'll be made new.  You'll find hope and strength you didn't know existed.  In exchange for your sorrows, He will give you unending peace - joy - life everlasting.

Won't you come to the table?  My hope will always be -- that you do.  God Bless YOU!

I'm here.....and full of words.

Hello friends.  Much has transpired since I last wrote.  I will not bore you with the plethora of details - just know, it got much worse before my life got better.  However...the main thing that I want to communicate to you now is that it has gotten better --- SO much better.  Just a few details, I relapsed on chemicals (chemicals that I thought I'd never touch) after crossing paths with some pretty dysfunctional characters --- due to the depths of my loneliness.  Loneliness is and can be devastating - and it can truly propel you to make choices that you would not otherwise make, if your circumstances weren't as they are.  My shopping continued for some time, despite the absence of my cards - (they were programmed into my computer) and until I ripped the modem out - I literally could not stop.  I still shopped on my phone some despite horrible financial consequences.  I was really in a deep, dark, nasty place.  Returning to the use of drugs was really my wake up call - for if I am anything I am a truth seeking person - because I told on myself.  I always do.  I messed up a couple of times, but I'm drug free now - and the shopping has been arrested.  Praise Jesus!!!!!

My EMDR Doctor has proven to be a gift from God.  I am at this writing, attending co-occurring groups, a grief program, and some other therapies.  I knew that it was going to take an intervention of a pretty grand scale to stop my addictive cycle.  But, it has been arrested --- and I have been sober now for several weeks.  I am not really the type that "counts" because it's really one day at a time.  I did change some meds - and I discovered -- by accident that my emotions have literally been numbed for over six years.  I had to readjust  to feeling my emotions again, and it was quite difficult.  In the very beginning they kind of came out in "globs".  I was an emotional mess.

What is on my heart right now though is an article that I found this morning about daughters (or sons)  and the enormity of posts that I read through of lives that are damaged just like mine -- of people who have had mentally ill mothers.  Now I've read articles where others have had mean mothers, or mothers that didn't nurture their children -- but this is now becoming a mental health crisis...the amount of lives that have been shaped by this familial abuse.  I cannot convey what it does to my heart, and my soul.

We all think inside our own minds that the things that we struggle with, we struggle with alone.  We may have an inkling that others might be able to relate -- but it's so taboo - to have bad feelings to the one who gave you life.  Some of these woman have bore this burden half their lives, the pain, guilt, shame, rejection of self, and all of these things are piled on top of what the narcissistic or borderline personality disordered mother has told you you were.... all while you grapple with trying to grow up.

I'm overwhelmed with compassion.  Myself, still incapable of having a long-term relationship because of my inability to trust, attach properly, and feel secure.  I am a believer in healing, I work diligently at it - but I still find myself pondering if I will ever be able to totally heal.  I intrinsically knew(although she verbally told me) my mother did not love me.  I could feel her distain for me... and by age 10-11, I was asking my dad why Mommie didn't love me.  Of course it was denied, but being the intuitive that I was, I knew better.  I HAD to know things - it was not safe in my house to not to know what was going on.  I was so in tune with my mother, I think I was in my 20's until I unhooked the emotional umbilical cord.  I had a nervous breakdown at 21, and attempted suicide.

I've got to help these women.  Somehow.  I just don't think that I can rest, until I do.  There are so many broken humans - I have to give of what I have learned, else it has been for naught.

Shame is a nasty entity.  We still shun and hide the things that we are ashamed about - because that's what the shame tells us to do.  It can only keep living in the deepest, darkest places in our lives.  It fears exposure, because it knows that it will cease to exist once it's brought into the light.  We give it so much power in our lives, and it tells us with it's devilish voice that it's much more than just an emotion -- and we allow it to control us.  I know, I was a shame-based person.  I used to fully believe that I didn't even have a right to exist.  It controlled my every thought, my every action.  I cannot convey in words what lies those were.  Darkness cannot survive in the light.  The two cannot coexist - it's impossible.  The power of the pull to keep secrets is strong, but secrets keep us so very, very sick. Sick and separated from our fellow man.

We were put on this earth for each other,  we are "the brotherhood of man".  There have been times when I was counseling when my client's did not believe in themselves-- nor a power greater than themselves - they just didn't know how yet.  I would tell them, "until you can, you believe that I believe for you, and about you."  An it would oft times get them through.  Sometimes on shaky legs and broken hearts - we just need to know that someone cares.  This generation is far removed, it frightens me.  However, I'm still a believer, even after all that I've been through.  I'll never loose hope.  It's just not in me.  I hope you feel the same way.  I hope you have someone that you can count on, no matter what.  I hope you have a dream.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts/life/hope with you all.  I don't feel as alone.  I'd love to hear from some of you.  Cause I know that you hear me.
Regardless -- shed light on some of your shame with someone and watch it disappear.  It's so beautifully freeing.  I have faith in you --- and God does to.

So good to be back.  God Bless you all.......<3

Intellect's Betrayal

I see my Doctor today and I've much on my mind.  He dropped the bomb on me last week, and I've got several decisions to make.  I've since discovered that I'm pretty sure I am a victim of identity theft.  I cannot even get into my own credit report.  It was asking me about a mortgage - and I don't own a house? So I'm pretty freaked out.  I was extremely anxious yesterday, not sure what to do - I tried to contact equifax, to no avail. I'll figure something out, still but man does my stomach hurt.  I could totally use prayer right  now.  

At this juncture - I know that nothing can be done to me with out my consent.  I want to make that loud and clear.  However, some form of intervention needs to take place - I've been out of control with my spending, and my credit cards are overwhelming right now.  I could be making a car payment on what I'm paying out a month.  It feels ugly, sick, and awful.  I realize that it doesn't do any good to beat myself up - but boy is it easy to do - it comes first hand for me.  My Mom taught me how to be an expert at it.  All and all, I want people to know that the Grace of God still stands strong in my life.  This is what I've come to in these past few days.  If I never pay another credit card bill, and I forgo everything ---- God still will love me more than I can EVER comprehend.  I'm the one that isn't able to conceptualize His love for me.  I'm the one that is at the loss here.  If I were able to accept, engulf, become, participate, in who I actually am to God - I'd never make another compulsive decision (if it's really a decision) again.  An I know this in the bottom of my heart.  I'm the one at fault here.  I am unable to conceive of the depth of God's love for me, and who I am (in all actuality) in Christ Jesus.  I've been taught, and I've studied for myself - but for reasons unbeknown to me completely - I have not accepted, digested, or put on the new man I am in Christ.

If I were able to, I would listen to the Holy Spirit inside of me.  I'd be led by it's promptings.  I'd not make an inaccurate decision - with the acceptation of a mistake here or there out of being human --- . Now, you may ask yourself if I know this... why am I living the manner in which I am living?  Well, this is the $24,000.00 question.  I believe I know the answer _ and I believe that I know what Doc would say... WORTHINESS.  I don't feel worthy of this bounty.  Worthy of this incredible love.  Even after four mind-blowing years of Pastor Paul White, glorious grace pastoral care, I was unable to take ownership.  He probably knew.  Even with all my scars removed, my shame eliminated, my sin erased, I still could not take that final completion step.  An I am at a loss as to what to do now.  These are hard wired issues, ones that have been with me for decades.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't as if I do not think God able --- oh no, He is MORE than able.  It is I that is deficient.  It is I that is failing as the recipient.  And I do not mean that to sound like Nancy negative.  I'm merely being honest.  As an anxious avoidant type - because of my lack of relationship with my mother --- it's only quite normal.  But there I go again, limiting the Almighty.  My intellect is my undoing.  An I wish I knew how to stop.  Sometimes I wish I weren't so brave.  I wish  I weren't so self-sufficient.  I just push God right out the window.  It is my undoing.

Only God has these answers.  I'm fooling myself attempting to figure this out.  I try and figure every last blasted thing out.  That is my greatest weakness.  Surrender is the answer.  I need to let go of the answers.  Somehow I have to let God show me.  I've gotten myself - by the power of my own will, in one hell of a mess.  I've been running away from grief, anger, feelings of betrayal, etc.  I don't like to feel and I don't know too many addictive type humans that do.  If I don't take care of these core issues - they are going to eat me alive.  I'm trying.  I am attempting to.  I've somehow got to stop beating myself so mercilessly.  It serves no purpose.   There is no such thing as a perfect person.  I struggle so much to grow - because who I am, isn't good enough.  That is the never-ending message.  An somehow it's got to be erased.  Only God can do that.

Hell yeah, I'm scared.  I'm not perfect.  That's some crap that my mother tried to instill in me, and it's insane.  Fear is a liar.  And anxiety breeds untruth.  Today I'm okay.  I have faith that I'll receive everything that I need.  Jesus has my answers.  His grace has always been the way.  His mercy is so precious.  Just because I don't believe in myself has nothing to do with Him believing in me.  He can and will answer my prayers in exceeding abundance, and glorious grace.

Father God, I submit to you my intellect.  I humbly ask for your wisdom in it's place.  I've been exceedingly willful Father, and I have become too invested in the things of this world.  Please help me Father, to seek Your will, with all my heart - and to do as You would have me do.  Father please bless and keep those that read about my life, I  pray abundance and mighty favor over their lives.  In Jesus holy name, Amen.

As Reality Sets In

On this Eve of Christmas, there's a great deal on my mind.  I wonder about the upcoming year and how the changes that are about to befall me will truly affect my life.  Of course I cannot know, I can only attempt to envision what those changes might bring - but my greatest battle is with my mind.  

I am a hopeful person. I used to dispense hope for a living. It was my purpose.  I'd spring out of bed, excited for the day's work.  I loved most everything that I did.  I got the unique and unforgettable glimpse at watching people grow, right before my very eyes.  That rarity will always be with me, forged in my memory - indelible, for life.  When I lost this, I lost my purpose.  Yes, I did it, and there is nothing that can take this away - and it is still who I am, but I no longer get to witness such a miraculous gift.  I grieve.  

When my Father died, life as I knew it, ceased to exist.  My Father was a formidable force in my life. He wasn't your average dad, for if you've read my blog - you know that I had an extremely estranged relationship with my mom.  Therefore, my Father's importance was increased ten fold.  My Father's life as a child was difficult, his relationship with his mother - he was separated from her around the age of 10 I think, and placed with his Grandmother.  An abandonment of sorts.  Daddy would get ready for school, and right before he left, Great Grandmother Burr would tell him, "If I die today, you have to decide where you're going to go."  Quite the devastation to have to even comprehend for a little boy - who's been removed from the mother that he loved, placed with a different parental figure, to worry about death and then those consequences.  Daddy never uttered an unkind word about any of his childhood experiences, despite what he went through.  I get my hope from my Dad.  But I digress.  He was my rock, my friend, my protector, my cheerleader, he just was always there. No questions asked, he taught me what unconditional love is and how to love others that way ---- and accept people for who they are.  He taught me to be a giver, not a taker in life - and to give from your heart.  And I grieve. 

Grief is an interesting thing.  I've experienced it, and I've witnessed it in other people.  What I know is if you don't get a handle on it, grief can and will destroy your life.  As hard as I've tried to process through mine, being an addictive type of person, it's become the ruin of mine.  I don't know if I'm the one at fault, or if it is because I did not grieve properly.  However, as I write this post I've pushed the envelope with my addictive spending to the place where I am no longer going to have choices.  Things are going to be put into place where I cannot have access to my own money.  As I sit here, I am attempting to process this.  I've been reading about treatment, but I know that my insurance won't pay for it.  Alas, it's traditional treatment I'm sure which I've had.  I'm torn, because I know that in reality this needs to be done, yet - I surely don't want this.  I feel defeated, and many other things that aren't even worth mentioning.  I'm going to loose access to the net also.  As far as I know right now - I'm going to try and write on a flash drive and post at the library.  The process is going to be wild.  As addictive and compulsive as I am - my addiction is bound to come out somewhere else.  But then again, I am not giving God credit nor my Doctor - because he completely obliterated my cravings yesterday.  Doc is amazing.  

My mind wants to go to that nasty, negative place.  Where I'm a failure, an idiot, and just downright stupid.  I cannot let this happen.  I am a child of God.  I am at a jumping off place and something has to occur.  I've ask for a miracle an perhaps this is it.  I know Doc is a miracle because none of the other practitioners have done for me what he is doing.  I am truly grateful.  I don't have to like this, that's okay.  Sometimes change is hard.  This can either be hard or I can make the best of it.  I know it's going to be difficult at first, and I'm going to go through a withdraw of sorts.  This is to be expected.  What I need do now is focus on the positive.  I asked for help and I'm getting it.  

I have not been praying.  Oh I throw a short prayer here and there for people - but I've not had a heart to heart with the Lord in a while.  This is a huge part of my difficulty.  Gina's been doing what she wants, and this is not good.  Since my beloved pastor left, that grief has been hard too.  Overall, it's been a good year, I've just not been as close to God as I'd like to be and no one is to blame but me.  This is going to change.  

Despite my reality - I hope with all I have that each one of you have beautiful holidays!  Filled with lots of family and friends.... love an laughter.  I Hope its rich with traditions, old and new.  May we always remember Christ at Christmas even if it's not the exact time of His birth, it's when we celebrate it.  Love your families, hug them extra hard, tell them what your thinking, and do what's on your mind, don't put it off.  Tomorrow's not promised to any of us.  

Thank you Jesus for my friends...

Addiction, Denial & Hope.

I have so much on my mind this morning, I'm not sure where to start.  Sorry it has been so long between posts.  I'm just now listening to meditation music trying to gain some clarity, and attempt to make some decisions.  It's not always easy - when we have made bad decisions, and have to look at the consequences --- and live in our mess.  We are all human and invariably we're drawn to what makes us feel good, be it buying something new, indulging in a comfort food, or seeking out the company of another human when suffering.  I believe wholeheartedly that all of these things are perfectly normal.  The difficulty lies in err when we do so when putting ourselves in some kind of danger, our finances in shambles, or health in jeopardy.  Extremes are the problems, and these are the things of the addict.  Things, situations - a lifestyle if you will, that is either black or white with no grey areas.  It's all or nothing.  This is not reality -- because life is full of choices, but the addict does not see those other choices.  With one main goal, to abate the pain inside, we always make the extreme choice -- to get the most pleasure out of our experiences.  This is what people do not understand --- and it has nothing to do with anyone else but the addict themselves - whom at this juncture is one of the most selfish, self-centered, ego-driven humans on the planet.  All of these things merged and enveloped with mind-blowing denial.

People don't understand denial and how it works.  Really don't understand denial, because it's a classic component of addiction/alcoholism.  It blinds the addict - to consequences, to hurting loved ones, to hurting self.  We oft wonder how can he or she steal from family and friends, and still stand there and look them in the eye?  DENIAL.  It isn't just a theory - it is an absolute in this disease.  It protects the user from the emotional consequences of what they do, to themselves and those around them -- and it propels them to continue to use.  An addict can justify anything, absolutely anything when it comes to what they need to get more drugs, or alcohol from you no matter what the method might be.  Manipulation, theft, deception, it doesn't matter, they're classic coping skills for the abuser, and denial paves the way for them.                              I can justify anything I want to purchase - anything when I'm wanting it, and all the consequences in the world won't stop me from making that purchase.... it's that rush of dopamine (and many other brain chemicals) that I get when I purchase said item.  It's all a chemically induced payoff whether or not it be natural chemicals, or foreign ones.

I've been battling with my addictions since my Father passed, and possibly before - but especially since the loss of my Dad.  I'm in an addictive cycle.  I can no longer deny it.  Shopping may seem mild as an addiction to some, but trust me when it comes time to pay, it's no joke.  It is/ has greatly affected my ability to live.  I'm totally at a crossroads with this.  I continue to shop despite the fact that I cannot survive on and pay out the bills that I have.  My loneliness/grief issues and the "never enough" place inside of me - is ruining my life.  I am an addictive type of person.  Lately, I've made some very poor choices, and I have put myself in some pretty scary situations out of being so desperately tired of being alone.  Hence, there were consequences - and I am totally remorseful, but I cannot change my actions.  It's been a long time since I've felt shame.  However, it is an emotion that I believe for me, is there for a reason, at least this time.  You can bet, I will not do it again.  I've suffered all week long.

My EMDR therapy has been going well, if you can call delving into traumatic memories ... an easy thing.  I believe it is what has my addictive behavior on the rise.  This is tough stuff.  I adore my Doctor - he is so damned intelligent, and an answer straight from God.  He is the absolute first professional that has answers for me that make complete sense.  I thank God for Doc.  I have some decisions to make because he and I both know that in order to heal, somethings have to change.  Somehow, someway, the cycle has to be broken.

I may very well have to stop this blog, and remove myself from the internet completely.  This is something that I'm pondering.  I don't ever get any feedback, so I suppose, despite that fact that I try to educate, enlighten, and dispense hope - my blog has really served no purpose other than therapeutically for myself.  I dislike this, but I must accept what is.  I'd always felt guided to write about my experiences, if for no other reason than to let someone know that they aren't alone.  This, and to help enlighten people from the perspective of an addicts mind.  Addiction is so misunderstood.  However,  perhaps I've failed to do this, or there is just some angle that I am just unaware that prevent people from communicating.  At any rate, these next few blogs, may indeed - be my last.

I wholeheartedly believe that if I have to remove myself from this venue - God will help me find another way, method of dispensing hope.  It may not look like I have hope with what is written above, but - believe you me, I'm full of it.  I will always be.  Despite my defective choices, God still is my refuge.  He's still my strength.  I'm the one in err.  If I'd look to Him for answers, I'd find them, it is my failings and lack of reaching out (and doing it MY way) that get me into trouble.  These trust issues, sadly I say come from my childhood.  God is not at fault.  He has given me many a miracle.  I will never deny that.  There are good things in my life, and this is what I aim to focus upon.  We are what we believe.  Lately, I've been stuck in a mire of obsessing over my behavior - and it's stopping now.  God is, and ever shall be my guiding light, a lamp to my feet, and my saving Grace.
God Bless you,
Merry Christmas,
and what ever your season brings!!!
Save Travels.

On My Mind

Addendum 

I'm going to publish this mainly because I truly believe in it's content --- even though it's a post from last week.  Things have transpired and I did get some help from some dear friends --- that I cherish.  However, I've had much thought, and I've processed things almost incessantly.  My depression has somewhat subsided, I don't feel like I'm spiraling out of control.  When you feel so alone in the world  - a world that feels cold, detached, and uncaring, it's a devastating feeling.  I know some of you can relate.  Missing loved ones, spending holidays by yourself, and being broke to boot - feels like hitting a bottom where hope is concerned.  I made it through, of course  but not without pain.  I don't like emotional pain.  Who does?  But I had to ask myself many questions, and I did not like some of them.  I did not like it because some of them were in regards to my being angry with myself.  Those kinds of queries are never easy to admit.  But if I am anything I am honest, and this includes with myself.  Those are the hardest questions to face.  But they must be faced if we are to be forthright with our true selves.  I surely don't want to be a type of person that blames others for my own crap.  I refuse to do that.  So, I have to own what's mine.  Yeah, I've been pretty miserable lately, and yes, I have been upset with myself.  I"m not going to wallow in it, but it is true.  It's going to take time to get out of this financial mess.  I'm going to struggle.  That is fine.  I own that,  much as I don't want to, I have to.  Difficult times, bring about, and expose real truths.  That's just what I've been through.  I always strive to learn from life.  It's a passion of mine.  People show their true colors when you're in need - believe you me.  It's in our best interest to discover what roles people play in your life, or you'll be let down, for sure.  I'll say one bit of a little wisdom that I learned that's not new news but that is a truth -- when people show you who they are -- BELIEVE THEM.  *********************************************************************************




LIFE is difficult - this is a great truth.  I cannot remember where I read this, but I recall it sharply - and it bumbles around my dark mind.  This month has been pure unadulterated hell.  I have had no money basically since the third, and anyone that's ever been broke knows, money is life.  You have no choices without funds.  Everything you want to do and NEED to do evaporates without funds.  Your chances are eliminated, your choices are reduced to basically nothing - and life pretty much ceases to exist.  However, I've done my best to take this with a grain of salt - and go on - the hardest part is truly finding out who cares for you and who doesn't.  Because when the chips are truly down, you find out what's up.  An you find out quick who's in your corner.....and who's not.  You even find out who's supportive and who's not.  It's actually sort of interesting watching it all unfold if you can stomach it ---- because believe you me - it hurts.  Especially when you're a giver.  I'd never leave one of my friends in the position I'm in.  I just wouldn't.  This is what friends are for.  At least in my mind, maybe I have got this thing mixed up or inaccurate in my mind - but to me, when we are at an all time low - aren't we supposed to help pick each other up?  Not because we're "supposed" to - but out of the goodness of our hearts?

See I'm real confused right now.  Real confused and hurt.  I guess I'm naive.  However, I still would not change who I am for anything in the world.  I believe whole-heartedly that this is the way that God designed us.  We were put on this earth to help each other.  Not to be selfish and self-seeking.  We were put here to unite and support each other.  This is how my heart works.  If I knew that some one was struggling like I've struggled this month --- and I had money to share, there is no way that I'd not have helped him or her.  And I'd joyously have done it.  Do you think this has been done for me?  I guess you can answer that by reading this post.  I've had a few compassionate people come to my aid - dear people that I call true friends - the others, my feelings have changed about entirely.

You may ask yourself... isn't she having expectations?  I've asked myself the same question.  I don't expect people to help me, and I fully realize that not everyone has the same heart that I do.  Yet, I question - what does lifelong friendships mean?  I am totally perplexed.  I've had basically strangers help me, meet basic needs, and have more compassion!

My heart is heavy, and I'm quite depressed.  Yes I realize that this is no one's responsibility - and these are MY problems.  I'm a BIG girl.  But where is the compassion?  Where is the concern?

I have so called friends (and I'm rethinking this believe me) that wouldn't buy me food if I were hungry.  I'm hurt and I'm angry.  Maybe I'm out of line, I don't know alls I know is that I'm really done.  I'm done with selfish people.  I'm done with people that judge me.  If you haven't walked in my shoes - and lived in my skin you have no right.  I'm doing the best I can.  Yeah, I've made mistakes, but does this matter when it comes to survival?  It shouldn't.  When I am someones friend, it's an unconditional love.  My friendships are everything to me.... but then again I'm rethinking this too.  I certainly seem to give to much of my heart to people that clearly don't deserve it.  This is going to stop.  I don't even care if this looks, smells, or appears like self-pity, because it's not.  It's just cold, hard, FACTS.  The fact of the matter is that I'd help my friends if they were in my situation, and they could really care less if I have enough.  Very few, if any of them have verbalized "Ghee Gina I'm sorry your having such a difficult time"....  it's just like "oh well".  I suppose I'm just supposed to be okay with being flat ass broke for weeks on end.  I guess it's no ones problem but my own.  This is the kind of world that we live in now.  I guess I'd better get used to it, Christian or not.  It's dog eat dog.

I guess I"m the real fool here.  Maybe I'm completely off track.  I don't know - maybe I'm just an odd bird in wanting to help others when they struggle.  God forbid that I get a blessing out of lightening some oneness load.  I must be a lunatic.

All's I know is that my heart is hurt.  Oh I'm learning alright.  I refuse to let it turn into a resentment - that's why I'm writing.  Call me crazy but I will let this go.

I will be spending Thanksgiving by myself this  year.  My friend will bring me a plate of food.  I'll survive.  I received two invites, but I don't have the gas to go.  So, I'll stay home and watch T.V. with my cat.  I'm learning about people, people that say that they love you.  I'm learning more and more about life and how hard it is without family.  Even with family it's hard......depends upon the family.  God will see me through.  He always does.  There's about 10 more days left of the month, and I don't exactly know if next month will be better or not.  It should be.  Regardless,  I'm going to move on with my life.  I'm just going to carefully reconsider who I call my friend.

Maybe I"m totally wrong, maybe I'm completely off base.  I know that there are people that are in WAY worse circumstances than me --- please, I know this.  So please don't judge me in that way.  This is not a pity party.  It's my attempt to process what my heart feels, and my head thinks.  I also know, unequivocally that I 'm going through this for a reason - things always happen for a reason -- and that this is only for a season.  Things will get better.  Of all the populace, I shouldn't have to justify myself with you all.... my hope should stand for itself.  It's mostly the state of the world that has me so upset, and now self-focused most humans are nowadays.  It just makes me wonder what Jesus would think, and what it's doing to His heart?  Cause I know it's hurting mine.

Be that person that those close to you can rely on.  Give from your heart.  Think about others needs.  Consider your neighbors struggles, with compassion.  We all need each other.

God Bless.