Turning Points

Today is one one of the more painful days I've experienced in my life and so was yesterday.
Getting breath in and out has been a struggle.  Sleep as been illusive, I watched every hour go by like drops from a leaky faucet.  The last six months of life have been and are taking me to task at a place I'm not familiar with at all.  I am attempting to find myself in this rubble of what I thought was my life.  Partially deconstructed by choices I've made, and the rest?  If I'm honest with myself - the choices that were made were not made from my best sense of knowing.  Nope.  They were made out of loneliness, desperation, and dis-ease.  Choices made out of disquiet of the mind and a disheartened soul will not lead you to any sense of peace.  That is as much of any kind of sense I am able to make out of this unfamiliar place I find myself in.  Yet, here we all are -  in this separated, distant, and disconnected world acting as if nothing is wrong - that we are all "FINE",  when in reality there's few of us that are, we're just become good at faking it.  Some people can do that, day after day.  I cannot, I am far too sensitive and intense an individual to stuff all that inside day after day.  Neither of those characteristics make a person insane - although I sure have been treated as if I am plenty of times.  Matter of fact - I'm much more in-tune with reality than most, I feel everything, and then some.  The problems lie in the that those living in the haze of make-believe when challenged by the truth.  Ah, they'll say "the truth is relative", and deny it until the end, but for us old-souls, those who know what is by the senses of their spirits, denial is futile.  The greatest battle is with those in a position of authority when we are in an abusive situation, in harms way, or in need of someone to protect your life.

Emptiness and feelings of separation from other people were emotional circumstances I'd known my entire childhood.  Being denied, being unvalidated as having any kind of voice as a person in any realm was the only experience I'd ever known growing up.  What I recall in my memories growing up weren't all bad, some were quite good, times with my father and all of the wonderful things he taught me.  It's the blank spaces that haunted me, and the hours spent hiding in closets, frightened and terribly afraid.  I have dealt with most of my disabling fears, and I have worked diligently through years and years of therapy.  People will often say -- who have had no traumatic background "you just gotta let that go", to wit - I find most humorous.   Traumatic experiences and years of neglect map the pathways of our brains.  It isn't something that can be just "gotten over".  I still loose time in highly  stressful periods in my life.  Being an anxious avoidant type of personality - affects all of the relationships (as much as I hate it) in my life - even as much as I work, and work, and apply myself to the theories of healing to guard against it.

I have just been through - for whatever reason this season of my life - one of the most difficult periods where I have had so much destruction and I have been unable, despite literally screaming for help multiple times,  to speak loudly enough - or in the right manner - or to do so without dismissal.  My pleas for for help fell on deaf ears, on ears of judgement, upon ears  with no compassion.  Speaking the truth does not guarantee  that you will be protected, nor served.  So much in this world is how it appears, not how it actually is.  People believe exactly what they want to believe, despite the facts.  There is little one can do about those so called facts.

Some choices we make, can seal our fate.  It seems to make you or place you in a position of being a sub-human or less than these days.  People may not even know what took place or have any idea what an individual went through - yet condemn them anyway.  As if anyone has lived an exemplary  life. Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin among you - let him throw a stone at her first." NKJV John 8:7  None of us are without sin.  We all make mistakes.  We all 'miss that mark'.

I suppose in some folks eyes, some mistakes are worse than others, some more forgivable - and some just not.  I'd beg to differ.  However, I have not been one in my lifetime to judge, I have learned a long time ago - to separate behavior from the person.  I see spirit over actions made.  We're all fallible.  All in the realm of forgiveness - and trust me, I have had to forgive those who have done the seeming unforgivable to me.  It has made me stronger and wiser, it's given me strength to endure.  I did not expect my voice to be so silent however, or to be outrightly ignored.  There's a pressure there that no one understands unless you've been through it.  Its maddening.

Seasons do end.  Change will always come because on a basic level, we live on an evolving planet - with recycling human suits.  I am a child of God - I know this some days, stronger than others - I don't easily admit.  I have a difficult time when I am in deep emotional pain feeling connected to God, but that's my issue not His - He doesn't go anywhere - I'm the the one that pulls away.  Far as I know it's pretty par for the course with humans.  I am going to come out of this bottom I've hit just like all the other's I've hit before.  I am a survivor at heart, myself and God -- and I'm sure learning the hard way that my understanding everything is SO futile.  The harder I try, the more mud I pull up.  It's perfectly okay -- because scripture tells me to 'lean not on my own understanding' and I keep doing it.  It's that deal - doing the same thing over and over?  Well most of you know the rest.  I've surrendered, and I'm going to do it a different way.  Praise God.  I have to.  I went to far down this time.  I lost hope in mankind.  I never thought I'd see that day, but I did.  Pulling out old tools to try and fix any problem will not work.  We know they don't work.  There is no knowledgeable defense against the disease of Addiction or Alcoholism.  Depression untreated properly just fuels the fire.  Do what is needed to do, despite what is happening in your life.  Don't stop until you get what you need.  I don't care how many times you have to scream.  Keep praying, keep reaching, and keep believing.   The God of your understanding will make a way where there is none.

God Bless you all!!!                            

Growing Pains

Life.  It's what we get when we think we have other options.  It certainly isn't succinct with the drama's or dreams if you will, that run in our heads. I'm learning more and more that most of what dreams live in my mind, are just that - illusions.  Implements deemed to protect - a fallacy.  More often than not, you will be only further abused in that wake.  Especially if you've ever made mistake one.

We are now living in a world where predators can and are allowed to do anything they see fit, with no consequences.  They can virtually take anything from you - your car, your money, your only means of communicating with the outside world -- and not be held accountable.  It's nearly impossible to even obtain help from law enforcement if you are  a woman period.  Particularly if you made any kind of mistake whatsoever.

I have been put into the position of having to do investigation work by myself ... with no means of transport -- and I would imagine mostly because it was known that I would not be able to obtain information.  It was never intended for this case to be prosecuted.  This is the bottom line.

well, I am here today to say - it isn't over until the pretty lady sings.

Yes, I'm distraught.  I'm dismayed.  But I am not defeated.

My Lord doesn't intend for this child to be treated as anything other than His child.  Our circumstances do not define us.  They help us grow.  All glory be to the Father.  

The Illusion of Separation

Not sure where I am going this morning but I feel the need to share.  If nothing else, to let someone, anyone know that no matter how far we may go down into the depths of despair, into what feels like utter disillusion, we have a Savior who still loves us as He always has.

I am one who even after being a christian for well over 30+ years still can struggle with separating myself from God during the times when I need Him so desperately.  In times of unbelievable pain - somewhere in my carnal mind I have some sort of default reflex that pushes God away.  The best answer that I have been able to conclude is that this is some sort of old, worn out coping mechanism from childhood.  It didn't do me much good then - but things like this aren't easily uprooted.

Most of you know that read my blog, I am pretty forthright in sharing the struggles of my life in hopes that my trials as well as my ability to overcome but for the Grace of God -- might inspire or lend hope for anyone who's struggling.  Even though I've rarely gotten feedback, I persist because God has placed this very medium upon my heart.  I'm sure that many think me a fool - and this is fine, many, many christians have been deemed fools for Christ throughout history.  If this be the case, I too am a fool for Christ Jesus.

These last few months, and weeks have been some of the hardest that I've endured in my christian walk.  Events transpired in my life and I lost my resolve, and made choices throughout this period of time that grew worse as time went on.  I fell prey to exceptionally old coping habits, looking for futile ways to to elevate the pain I was in from grief and loss that seemed insurmountable.  I succumbed to the short sightedness of my intellect in the attempt to numb said pain, running on empty and running as fast as I could.  I have a history of running from deep emotional pain, I have never faced it, nor have I endured it willingly without an internal fight.  I know that this is a direct result from the years of neglect and feelings of being unwanted by my mother.  What I went through then, was unbearable, so my default recourse was to think my way, somehow around it, and shove that pain as far down inside myself as I knew how.  My life as a child then was one of make-believe, and lost memory.

I have grown by leaps and bounds since that time, healing many, many of those old wounds.  Yet, who we are is the sum total of our experiences.  It isn't as if we can just wipe that slate clean.  Oh how I wish this were true.  Oddly enough it was just a couple of weeks ago that a memory surfaced, that I had buried so deeply, that I'd thought myself not even present when it took place.  I know now that I was there, I had just suppressed it.  Traumatic memories are like that, our minds know how best for us to be able to survive.

My very best friend at that time, we were all of about 7 years old -- walking home from school.  We all lived beyond the railroad tracks.  Well some of the boys had been goofing around and trying to grab hold of the trains as they passed by.  Myself and my girlfriends had been telling the boys how dangerous it was, and asked them to please stop.  They thought since the trains went so slow through the crossing that we walked over, nothing could happen.

My friend and I were so close.  We played either at his house, or mine after school and on weekends  - we were basically inseparable.  I have a scar on my right arm still to this day where we were jumping up and down on the bed and I hit a nail sticking out of the wall.  I loved him,  like a brother.  He was so sweet and kind.  We laughed and laughed together.

On this particular day with all my friends from grade school, the boys were jumping onto the ladders on the train as it went through the crossing.  Richard, Kevin, and little Jimmy.  God  only knows why things happen the way that they do -- and I certainly am not one that ever blames God for the things that happen in life, but that day Jimmy jumped to grab the ladder -- he caught holt, but lost his grip. When he fell, he went under the train, and it cut him in half.  All of us were immediately in shock, because Jimmy was still alive for several moments looking to us for help, we were so traumatized    unable to even move.  

I do not know what took place from that point on.  I kind of remember his funeral.  It is very unclear still.  I am however finding myself increasingly emotional about this.  I hope that doesn't sound trite.  It is in no way my intention.  It is just that with repressed emotions, as well as memories of this kind, the mind only releases what can be handled.

I cannot process this still.  The walk home - how my parents handled it - how it really affected me - all blank.  My friend Richard committed suicide some years later, after an awful battle with drugs and alcohol.  We were a pretty tight nit group, but we all went our separate ways after that.  My one female friend, we are still close to this day.  None of us were ever the same.

I shared last time about crossing paths with a predator.  A predator, narcissist, and I am pretty certain a psychopath.  He was so charismatic.  They usually are.  I allowed myself to be in proximity to this person.  Part of me sensed the danger, but being the eternal optimist -- I did not want to believe what my intuition was telling me.  Well let me tell you --- I suffered greatly behind my foolish indifference, and by my not listening to the heeding of the Holy Spirit.  When this happens, there is always consequences.  I'm still enduring them.

I have learned a great deal.  More than I ever thought I would have begun to understand about myself, and my self-will.  See, I have had to be strong in my life, exceptionally strong to survive.  But, what I am finally getting through my tougher than nails head is that I am not (and don't have to be) in survival mode any longer.  Father God is my Principal, my Director, my Shepherd, and my Redeemer.   As much as it "feels" like it, I am not out here on a limb -- anymore alone.  I get confused sometimes because I can't always see a light at the end of the painful tunnel.  I don't forget about God-- but because of my past, I struggle with trust.  I think many of us do.  It's okay.  Do we actually think that He doesn't know???

I have had a lot of trauma in my lifetime.  Yes, it affects me at times.  There are times when I'd give anything to be someone else just for a little while.  However, believe you me, those days are much more few and far between than they used to be.  Praise God.  I have been through a lot in life - less than some, and more than others.  But Jesus heals.  If I can get out of His way long enough.



Father God, it is beyond my ability to find the words to praise you for your grace and your mercy in my life.  I fail you so miserably sometimes, I insist on doing things my own way,  and rejecting your counsel.  I reach for things of this world to satisfy a never-ending void, that can never be fulfilled Lord by anything or anyone but You and Your love for me.  I praise You and I eternally thank You - for never ceasing to love me, no matter how far down I go, how difficult it must be to watch me self-destruct before You.  Thank You my precious Savior, for always being waiting for me to return to you no matter what shape I'm in, with arms open wide.  In Jesus Holy Name,  Amen

God Bless you!!!        

I found a new song -

I love it, it's so "right on time". 

Enjoy!!

In the eye of the Storm

I've been through some things that I never would've believed would have happened.  I'm naive that way when it comes to not expecting evil from humans --oh not anymore grant you - because when you live through what I am living through -- you learn.  You actually learn a great deal more than on the surface you ever dreamed you would-- about so many things, on so many levels.  It's another awakening of the state of the world that we live in - and the condition of the human spirit -- or lack thereof.  I'm appalled at what I have discovered.

My Father raised me to believe in people and to be kind.  Dad was one of the easy going people I guess I've ever met, I don't recall his ever saying a bad thing about anyone.  Now he could stand his own if something were to happen to me or the boys - like a man should, he just didn't believe in talking about people behind their backs.  To him it just wasn't something that you did.  Daddy was one of the most honorable men that I have ever known to date.  I learned so much vast knowledge from my pop -- he didn't complain no matter what had to be done, what broke-down, all the crap that mom put him through.  He truly was the epitome of patience, tolerance, and tenacity.  I will never forget his telling, "honey, life isn't fair", to which I'd just giggle, at the mere age of 4 or 5 and espouse -- awe Daddy!  I did hear him though - I heard and depended upon every word that man uttered to me.

Most that read my writing know that I'm basically out here (as most of us are) doing this life thing by the seat of my pants.  No real family and pretty much zilch for support with exception for the ones that are paid to do so.  I find this appalling.  It doesn't exactly make for the grandest of feelings of self-worth.  The copious amounts of time that I spend alone just further validate what seems to be true in the first place.  I know that this has to be extremely hard for those who have no outlets like I do-- or have coping skills to get the duct tape out and hold the head on -- when it just feels like all of the thoughts (and feelings) dare blow your mind/head right off your chest.  Loneliness is no joke.

Well mine has placed me in some pretty messed up situations - dangerous ones at that.  Mostly because when you have no human contact - ANY seems do-able.  Even when the stakes are enormously HIGH, and every fiber of your being is screaming "THIS ISN'T GOING TO END WELL!" Why would someone do such a thing?  I'll tell you why - because after being alone for days, months, years - when you do finally get an invitation.... you jump at it with glee.  Coming from my background of not mattering, or being good enough -- someone wanting me to go with them?  Well dang - it feels pretty good, and you override all the flaming red flags - to be able to feel wanted.  All caution is thrown into the wind because I truly think us incapable on some level--- to even be able to say "NO."  This is the part that people who judge us will never understand -- with families, husbands, boyfriends - friends --- full lives -- they had choices.  I suppose if I were going to put it in metaphorical terms it's like that last piece of your favorite candy -- like you're not going to do everything in your power to get to it, and consume it regardless of what other people think.

Old coping mechanisms die hard, and some never die - they just lay in wait --- gaining strength as you struggle... waiting silently until it knows the perfect time to begin it's speaking death to you.  It's an odd malady -- the disease of addiction/alcoholism has so much influence on the mind of the addict.  It can be so powerful, you begin the believe they're your own thoughts.  It takes great examination to be able to decipher between it and your real thought.  Most people aren't aware really that the disease wants nothing more that you dead.  This is the reason that it propels you so -- to use, and use, and use -- over and over --- because for goodness sake no matter how hard an fast you chase it -- there is just simply never a cutting off place, and NEVER ENOUGH.  In reality -- enough equals death.

I'm so enormously grateful and thankful to God for the knowledge that I have about this disease.  It doesn't make me any better, less apt to relapse -- because knowledge alone in no defense against this demon.  You can know all day you have a problem and still keep pushing that truth way down with drugs.  Alcohol is especially bad - the denial mechanism is the worst.

I'm in a rough spot right now - I crossed paths with a predator.  He basically destroyed my life in a manner of two days.  Money gone - car stolen, no phone,  he rendered me basically powerless - and I've been like this for going on three weeks.  It took 4-5 calls to the police to get them to  actually believe me.  He's in custody now and things are progressing - but man talk about people shuning you when something happens?  No one person will do anything for me -- like this was all my fault.  I can't say I can comprehend that kind of dysfunctional cognition.  Even what family I do have decided to talk to the  police instead of me.  How very sad.

I have to find the silver lining in this guys.  I must look for the rainbows.  If I don't find a way -- I think I'll loose what mind I have left.  I made some bad choices, but it doesn't make me a defective person.  I refuse to allow anyone to put that on me.  They can all walk away.  I'm a warrior - and I will survive, stronger than ever before.  My trust issues are not so good and I've been pretty angry - but in the last six months, all that has happened --- I'm quite sure it's in the realm of normalcy.   I have been trying to pray -- it's hard too because I'm so shut down.  God knows.  He's right here with me.

I will keep you posted as I can -- I have to figure out how to pay my bills according to how long it takes to get my account together.  Maybe no one really cares - and I'm writing for no reason but my own, but it's not my intent.  Just please be careful in this world --- it's full of vile, vile, predators - and if you are a kind person like me-- it's always open season--- and your Bambi.  

All will be well, because I believe that what man uses for evil, God will use for good.  My faith grows stronger each and every day.  I do not harbor ill feelings for this man --- I've seen inside his heart - or what heart there is left.  I pray for him, and the enormity of the pain he is going to have to overcome-- that is if he so chooses.   I realize the things that he did, weren't personal.  I'm a big enough woman to not own that.  I think the most difficult piece is when humans hurt other humans because they can.  Being who I am, this I'll never comprehend.  I just don't want to - I don't have it in me.  I am real grateful for that and these facts I know to be truths about who Gina is.  The peace that I feel does not belong to anyone, circumstance, or thing outside myself in this world.  That right there?  Is priceless.  I'm strong, I'm loved, I"m favored, and I will rise again.  Praise my Father in heaven,  Jesus Christ.  He loves me even when I (and I do it daily)  miss the mark.

God Bless you and keep you all --- until next time.

This video --- should he find it, is for Anthony.

Accepted as You Are

I've not laid finger to this keyboard in some time.  In all reality -- I don't think that I have been truly honest with myself about everything that I have gone through.  Sometimes - it just seems impossible. I don't understand why people keep coming into my life to further abuse, steal, lie, and shatter my beliefs of the human spirit.  I really do not understand what it is that I am supposed to be learning here.  It is to me just more and more destruction, and I go further and further into depression - isolation and separation from God.  I have steadily been asking for what I need, but alas, it seems like as with the majority of my life -- I have no voice.  Not a voice that is being heard.

I am going to be very transparent with you all today - at risk of being judged.  I admit that this avenue, this method of communication helps me, and I truly hope that my journey somehow -- helps someone else, somehow.  I know that if I can struggle with these things, someone somewhere else, must be struggling with these issues as well.

Trust is one of my greatest issues.  After what took place with my therapist - as much as I hate to admit - an as crazy as it is to put in black and white-- I don't even now trust God.  Nor do I trust any human being.  I feel like this pawn that gets played, over and over -  in the game of life.  I have basically withdrawn from life itself.  I spend copious amounts of time alone - and although it disturbs me to a degree - for the most part -- I'm okay with it.  I don't even know that I have been allowing myself to feel things authentically as of late.  I did have a flash-back (and it was awful) a few weeks ago - and I have been trying to crawl out of this.  It was the first time that I have had one - that I was aware of at the time it was taking place.  It was surreal.  I am now 100% certain that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I never really accepted the fact fully - I kind of gleaned over the idea -- but I now know for certain.  The classic "fallout" behaviors have given way as well.  I have been relapsing on and off for weeks.  I am ashamed to admit that - but at least I am admitting it.  In all actuality with what I have been through -- it is no wonder.  I am barely holding myself together it seems - this is certainly how it feels.  For the most part --I have just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.

I apologize that I am not being my usual hope-filled self - please know that it isn't my aim in any way to discourage anyone.  The reason that I share is so that if anyone is experiencing what I am - they will know that they are not alone in this world with their suffering.  Anyone at anytime is welcome to connect with me through this blog.  It's always been possible.  Also, if anyone knows my writing - you will know that there is no way I'm going to end on a negative without any hope of a way or ways to surmount said issues.  I will always uncover hope, recovery, and miracles from somewhere.

When trust is severed with someone that you have given so much admiration to -- and placed so much faith in -- there is a great crack in your foundation.  This is what I feel.  Broken.  Again.  Another human was grossly disloyal - and basically betrayed me.  I understand that I am not supposed and the key word here is "supposed" to place that much faith in humans - I certainly know this unequivocally now.  I understand that I have attachment issues -- all of these things play a part in unison.  However, on a much grander scale -- I am learning that being in this world - and of this world is not what God designed for us.  I am also learning that this isn't the easiest thing to comprehend, and understand.  I have sought wholeness, healing, and sought this through psychology since I went to treatment in 1986.  I was given a new way to live - and it has saved my life.  Of course I would cling to it - like nothing else.  When given the choice between death or life, I think the majority of us would do whatever we had to do to live.

The Father's ways, timing, and thoughts, are not the same as ours.  But I do know that we're given signs and lessons -- messages along the way.  I have been so hurt, and very disillusioned.  I don't always see that I reach for humans often before I reach out to Jesus.  This for me is a thorn in my side.  I know from where it originated, however, these thorns that we bear - are often deeply rooted and difficult to remove.  Because I did not grow up with a solid foundation - until I finish the work set before me (or at least I think) my search and seek for attachment to another human will be an automated response for me.  I have learned a great deal - I now know and can sit back - access my behavior with full knowledge of why I did what I did, yet unable to choose differently yet.  With everything in my heart - I know the day is coming.

I have been looking to the wrong source for wholeness.  I have been looking and believing that the standards of this world were the accurate measure of the perception of balance, as well as mental health.  My beloved Pastor of past - Paul White has often shared with  me that I needed to rest in the goodness of God - and let Him do the work - and I knew that this meant that I needed to stop trying to fix myself.  I think I finally get this.  I have been so hardwired with the psychological aspect of it all - it's going to take me a little bit of time to engulf this.  In all reality -- it is about letting go of control.  Something that most of us struggle with -- for the sheer fact that we want to be in the drivers seat of our lives.  I know I do -- but then with everything that has happened in the last 6 months -- Father God is surely showing me what I get when I am.

I surely hope that this resonates with someone.  I am such a do it all -- or give up,  person.  I don't have much middle ground.  I struggle to find that happy medium.  I think we all do.

I know I have gifts that the Father has given me.  I know in my heart that He has something for me to do that only I can do.  I want that more than I want life itself.  To be about my Father's business.  I desire to bear fruit more than anything else in my life.  Truly I do.  But I know that if I cannot manage my own life, Jesus is not going to use me in anyone else's.  It matters little to me if I play a small role, or if it is something that gets noticed, I just want to do what my Father designed me to do.

I love God.  With all my heart.  Please know this.  I'm the one who fails.  I'm imperfect.  These things, these matters -- of the mind, and of the heart -- He is perfectly aware of.  The Father knows of struggle -- His own people did not accept Him.  He was rejected, beaten, humiliated, and the ultimate - He died so that we may live.  I know that the struggles that I go through are for my ultimate good.  I know this because what man uses for evil - God uses for good.

I will get back up on my spiritual feet.  I ask for your prayers right now.  If you would grant me this.  Just know there isn't ever a time that we cannot come to the Father ---and begin anew.  Regain our walk with the Lord.  Know it wasn't Him who left us - but us who left Him, He is just waitng for us to return.  To the path.  It matters not what you've done.  I promise He's already heard it, and He knew you were going to do it before you did.

Thank you Father Jesus, for loving me while in my humanness I struggle to trust you.  I know more than anything in my life, You understand.

We Heal

I feel inspired - and I haven't written in quite some time so I want to share with those of you that stop by - an anyone new that may happen to stumble onto my words.  I have actually been through so much it is difficult to even know where to start and what to share.  With the mind that I have, the one that hardly ever rests or takes a break - the thoughts usually tumble out pretty much on their own so we'll just see where the path takes us.   I truly hope that this finds everyone well, of sound mind, content of heart, and living a life of your choosing.

I have been on one hell of a journey as of late with a multitude of things to surmount.  I have been attempting as best I know how to heal from an experience that I never in a million years would have ever imagined would have happened in my life.  It's some of the deepest emotional pain that I think I have ever encountered, and I am still on a healings way.  Thank God, however, I can now finally begin to see the top of the water - and I am coming towards the surface.  I'm almost to the end of this horrific batch of experiences that for reason unbeknownst fully to me I have gone through.

I like to think of myself as a tad bit of a wordsmith -- yet an I find difficulty summoning the vocabulary to express what I have endured.  I want to share because I always have the hope that just maybe my experience frees someone a little, helps them understand, or lightens their load -- or simply allows one to feel less alone or separate in this big world.  It's the whole aim in why I share my life.  This isn't about me folks - I am certainly no one special.  It's my hope I extend.  I know that the hope I hold is extraordinary, because of God.  I wish to give of this.    

We all go through passages, rough spots, seasons and trials -- etc. that we don't understand, and cannot make sense of.  What I have just been through was something I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams.  It actually should have never happened - from an ethical standpoint.  One never imagines being hurt by those that are designed to heal.  Let me tell you when it happens - it's shocking, and if you had the circumstances I did - the pain will rip you to your core.  As I sit here now in hindsight - I'm not really sure how I got through it without becoming suicidal.  Oh, don't get me wrong I did not particularly care if I lived or died -- but I didn't reach the planning of my demise stage.  This is different for me.  I'm grateful - ever grateful.  I did, however, loose copious amounts of all forms of trust.  The process in which had, on one hand,  helped me heal - in turn, walked away without word one --- and in so doing, ripped my heart out.  

I felt the emotional and mental anguish of every last morsel of it too.  No closure of any kind.  As my guts (sorry) lay outside my body - my heart removed, and I wasn't  given any kind of explanation - even when I begged for answers.  Given no replacement -  well with exception of someone I had already had contact with - but it was not what I needed.  I wasn't asked what I needed.  

Anyways, I don't want to get stuck on that -- just to fill in the gaps.  I also Oh my goodness --- and this was excruciating... had an insurance issue around the first of the new year and could not get some medication that I have to have.  I have shared that I have and live with chronic pain.  Well, I was forced to go through full-fledged withdrawal from my pain meds.  I thought before it was over- it was a horrifying 5 days of sheer hell on earth - I was going to lose my mind.  Having to deal with the symptoms of the withdrawal itself from the meds was bad enough - but I had not experienced the full-blown pain that I have in over six years I think, and the neuropathy in my legs has gotten so out of control.  It was a living nightmare.  I don't know that I have ever been so grateful for my medication.  I was able to get to the clinic earlier than I was scheduled - thank God - because I had already been to the ER three times and they literally did NOTHING.  No compassion, what so ever.  This country, people have abused medication so badly --- and this angers me so ---- that someone with my medical issues cannot even get treatment.  It appalling!!!  So I'm sorry to say but I ended up going the natural route --- I don't even care - I had to do something or I was going to go insane.  I laid and writhed in agony for 5 days with pain levels of 12+ and it would have been utterly unbearable for the average person my pain tolerance is extraordinary.  I couldn't handle it.   NOR should I have had to.  

SO, my friends, I have had a quite lovely time lately.  Alas, I've grown.  Yet - still - I AM stronger.  

So these things, this rift in my existence has been well, it is so hard to even utter.  I pushed God away --- you know like we do when we really need Him.  OH, I would talk to Him here and there- and He is always in my heart.  Always. He is and will always reside in my being.  I just stopped doing the things which draw me near Him, strengthen my faith, and help hold me up.  And this is so mystifying to me.  I abandon Him when I need Him the most. I guess it was the breach of the trust I went through -- I am not completely certain.  I thought I had gotten a bit better at this, however, eventually not.  But you know -- I don't know how anyone could have dealt with abandonment so brutal like I went through and did anything different.  I'm being completely forthright when I say that event almost broke my spirit.  If I had given in --- I would not be here right now.  Oh, I have messed up - and I'm still not on the right path -- but I'll tell you one thing,  I am doing the best that I can do with what I have been through.  And I am not ashamed.  I refuse to feel bad for the coping measures that I have used.  I should have NEVER been put through the ravages of emotional turmoil that I endured.  

Anyways, I am getting better each and every day and I will rise up and I will utilize each and every last ounce of pain, trauma, grief, betrayal for my strength to become the woman that God designed me to be.  Goodness forgive the grammatical mistakes there folks.  LOL It sounded good in my head!!! 

I am crying less and less.  I am processing information better.  I am feeling less burdened and happier again.  The emotional load has lightened.  I am talking to God/Jesus again.  I am finally beginning to let go of the thing that haunts me the most--- and that's the need for information.  See, I have such an analytical "need to understand" mind.  It's not so much a matter of why -  I know this doesn't solve or really change anything.  I also get that understanding does not bring peace.  I still get stuck in wanting information.  This time no one is saying anything.  This is also where my faith has got to come in.  God's ways are not my ways.  His understanding is beyond my comprehension.  The only choice I have really been given is to accept.  But let me tell you now --- this one was and is -- really hard to swallow.  I am a creature who screams for a deep need for justice in my life, and the people I love.  My father began telling me at a very young age, "life isn't fair."  He tried his absolute best... but I'd say, "Awe dad!"  I had a hard time with it.  Treatment helped and A.A. brought it home.  I get it now.  

I apologize this has gotten so long.  I have got a nice ending though!! I appreciate those of you that read all the way to the end more than you know.  This blog, and my contributions to Quora - are what I can do with what I have to offer right now.  At least in all humility - I offer what I do have and that is my experience.  

We can and we do heal.  It does not happen by accident, however.  It takes work.  It takes focused, persistent, determined, raw, courage.  Sometimes it will seem like it is bigger than you - depending on what you have encountered, or lived through.  Do not let fear lie to you.  Fear is a liar.  We cannot and must not believe all of our own thoughts.  We mustn't.  Depending upon your path -- chances are you're going to need a higher power, something outside yourself of a spiritual nature that is much, much, more powerful than you are.  Also, you will want to have a good relationship with that power.  I really don't know of anyone that has ever been able to achieve true lasting change without it.  I've worked with many, many people when I was counseling.  It is just imperative that we believe in something (and not another human) outside of ourselves.  You all know that for me it is Jesus.  I am not religious, at all - I have a relationship with Him.  I make mistakes every day -- but He knew it before I did it.  His compassion is beyond our comprehension.  

I feel hopeful right now and I am so grateful I have this outlet.  I pray something I share motivates or strengthens at least one person.  That is my prayer.  

Please if you will - listen to this song.  God gave it to me today.  It's amazing.  I was so ecstatic to share it with you guys.  I found so much hope in it.  I hope you do as well.  Thank you again, for reading my words.  Be blessed beyond measure until we meet again.  Please remember - when you're at your most devastated, you are so close to healing.  Never give up.  Never! There are always options if we seek them out.  Humans are survivalists.  Your darkest day is right before the dawn.  

God Bless!   

   

I love it SO MUCH!!!

 

  

Extraction of Thought

 Life is either a daring adventure or nothing – Helen Keller.

I feel exhilarated at this moment.  I have been through a difficult patch and it isn't over quite yet.  This last few months have been the most heart wrenching that I have experienced since my father passed in 2010.  I do not admit that light of heart.  My experiences with human beings is and will more than likely continue to be a learning process.  Allowing people into your life- and the acceptance of this risk is and will always be something that I will weight consequences of differently now- and for the rest of my life.  From this moment on.  I am not the kind of person that experience intense closeness and radical loss well at all.  It is extremely difficult for my psyche.  I have no idea what kind of person this makes me, and I really don't care - I write in hopes of someone possibly learning something from my journey, not to be judged by it.  I am the type of person that does apply themselves with their best intentions.  I miss the mark, plenty of times, however, I do try to be a better version of myself than I was the day before.   I often am misaligned and go astray but I do my utmost and I  have good intentions.  I'm probably rambling.  Forgive me.  I've much on my mind.

If you've ever noticed - the expression of a seed is absolutely beyond our comprehension ---it is an amazing thing.  It literally explodes in coming to life.  I love the above saying, I have ever since I set eyes on it.  It's very true.  Change often brings chaos.  We can easily (or I can) lose my way in the attempt to find a new or better way of thinking - perceiving - or just being.  I know for myself, anytime I step out into unfamiliar territory, unchartered waters - I encounter resistance often - and fear.  Vulnerability will raise its ugly head.  It is strange sometimes for me, I can want the change or the acceptance quite much but I will still have resistant thoughts of why I can't do it or why I shouldn't.  Change can often be so daunting- even good change.  All of it produces stress.  We are such creatures of habit.  Any deviation from our norm and our minds as well as our emotions - revolt.  Mine do.  I've also seen many clients when I was working in addiction have the same types of responses.  Resistance always surprised me, especially when it was welcomed change.  It is as if we don't trust our own choices and there is a lash back from our inner knowing.  Like "who's driving here??" "Do you really know what you're doing?"  We distrust our own choices and have second doubts.   We actually fight our own intuition.    This is our ultimate inner guide.  But what do we do?  Distrust it.   What is so sad for those of us that are Christian --- it is our intuition -- but for me, it is also the Holy Spirit guiding me.  Could there be anything MORE ACCURATE???   For crying out loud.

My beloved Pastor of five years --(some time ago now) used to talk about this being our "red light, green light, system of knowing."  It was so tenderly stated as God's traffic system for us to know when to go and when not to make decisions in life via our intuition - and the Holy Spirit inside of those of us who accept Christ as our Savior.   The really insane thing is -- I can sometimes push past, an resist even this.  That is crazy.  But I have done it -- I hope I am not alone here.  The is totally where free will rubber hits the road.  We all have the ultimate choice over what we decide to do and why.  Or what we decide not to do or with whom.  I have helped people that I knew at the time either they were partially lying, or at least of all not being fully forthright with me.  It's my choice.  I've also watched closely as I felt another person's feelings and have fully known how they felt -- and have them flat out deny it.  It's a trip. Sometimes people cannot accept how they feel.  They won't because it either isn't familiar or isn't appropriate - or whatever.  However, I can almost always detect other's emotions.  It's a gift that God gave me.   I've been verbally attacked over the information before, and various other things.  I have wished a few times that I did not possess such a gift.  Sometimes it's a knowing that hurts your heart.  Especially when you know in your heart of hearts someone truly cares for you and they end up walking away.  That hurts more than one can imagine unless you've experienced it for yourself.  Even understanding doesn't bring peace, I've shared this with you all -- and it especially does not bring peace to the heart.  I have peace in my heart because of Jesus - don't get me wrong - but when you love someone so much that you don't even understand it yourself it is haunting.  It's a lot like a piercing in your heart that just won't heal.  Somehow it cannot.  You aren't sure how it got there, to begin with, any clue how to remove it, or where to go for help. Also what I understand about the heart is that it wants what it wants and it cares little about rules, regulations, fines, fees, or anything of this matter.  The heart really doesn't care who gets hurt in order for it to get what it needs.  It says in the Bible the heart is a deceiver.  I believe this.  It's really kind of scary.  But what I do know most -- is when I love someone wholeheartedly it's pretty much a lifetime deal.  I don't do that lightly and it seems to happen of its own accord.  However, I can affect its healing process.

I have been all over the place tonight guys, forgive me.  I have been off kilter for awhile - but there is hope!!!  I am coming back to center.  I feel it.  Things are going more in the right direction.  I have quite a few financial problems right now - but it either will or won't work out.  But I just got to do an amazing thing for someone and I feel good about what I was able to do.  It was from my heart.  I don't even care if it was appreciated if there was gratitude -- all that is completely out of my hands!!! The outcome means little.  I mean - what feelings were involved about what I did.  I did what I did out of the goodness of my heart - and I gave out of my lack.  That is what my Jesus would do.  I love every last thing about that.  With all my heart.  If it never comes back --- so be it.  I could care less.  I have made enough mistakes in my lifetime and I have recently hurt people that I love out of my inability to focus and THINK about what I was doing BEFORE I did what I did.  It wasn't even like me.  So I'm dealing with that behavior.  I don't like hurting people, I can't hardly deal with hurting people I love.  This is incomprehensible to me.  Losing all self-awareness is frightening.  Getting caught up in your emotions to the point where you do not think about the consequences of your actions???  There are no words.  Ineffable. Unexcusable.

I've never needed anyone to give me constructive feedback.  I have a committee of experts that live in my head that live for just that prime opportunity --- day in, day out.  Do You?  I always have.  It started with good old mom.  But you know what?  I fired the whole lot of them!  Gave them the rest of their lives off.  I don't need them anymore.  Actually never did.   Please do not think that what I am saying is that I am never wrong - or will never listen to feedback -- far from that.  No, indeed.  My main concern in life is not who is right - but what is right.  Therein lies the humble in humility.  That I like.  There is no big me, little anybody.

Forgive my feeblemindedness this time.  I did have a method to my madness.  I wanted to share about change.  I did.  I can tell we're close to a full moon.  It always kind of upsets my spirit.  I read something to the effect of it's going to be another super moon and also some kind of Wolf moon?   Who knows.  I do know that we're steady approaching a brand new year.  I don't know how I feel about this just yet.  I'm not sure (like it matters) I am ready yet.  I guess it doesn't much matter it is going to come in regardless.  I am always hopeful.

I cannot recall if I shared with you all about Quora?  I have quite a reputation there now.  I have answered many, many questions.  I love it.  I have something along the lines of 11.7 k views on my answers?  They like my answers, they request my answers.  It's really cool.  Go and check out my profile if you'd like.  Ask a question - if you want.  You can request for me to answer or leave it open for anyone.  I mostly do Psychology, grief, counseling, life experience, addiction, stuff like that.  OH!!  I'm very excited too ---- I submitted my blog to a bigger writers blog - who is looking for budding writers.   I submitted the blog I have that has been read the most - like almost 1,000 times.  Who'd a thunk it?  Little ole me.  Life is amazing - most of the time!!!  Live it, give it your best shot.

This is my musical tribute to the upcoming year 2018.  This is my girl and this is my song.  It's not just for me,  let it empower us all.  

I AM SUPERWOMAN, YES I AM, YES SHE IS...
EVEN WHEN I'M  MESS, I STILL PUT ON MY VEST, WITH AN "S" ON MY CHEST 
OH YES, 
BECAUSE...
I'M A SUPERWOMAN -- YES I AM!!!! YEAH!

Happy New Years!! 

Please Be Safe 

Talk to you soon,

G.