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Showing posts from November, 2012

Marianne Williamson my Goddess.....

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I adore this woman.  Her words are like velvet to my brain.  I've read 4 of her books.  What I would give to write like her.  Everything she utters is profound.  Her view of life is simply one of love -of life, work and being.  Not a lazy love, but one with productivity.  We are responsible for each other, and the universe.  I like that.  I can live in love, much easier than fear.  I think we can all try.  I think the world would be a much more livable place.

Marianne ascribes that there really are only two emotions, love and fear.  Well actually it comes from the ever difficult 'A Course in Miracles.'  I tried to understand it, even took a class, but cannot say I agree with all of it's teachings.  I don't believe that this life is but a dream.  That's just me, I'm too reality based, and my feet are too firmly planted on the ground.  Pain, chronic pain has a way of doing that.  I have a hard time living in a dream world.  But alas, I digress.

Love?  Yes,…

The Journey

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I'm at a crossing in my life.  It is sort of like the switching of the guard.  At least this is how it feels.  I'm in process of 'becoming.'  There is pain as well as fear involved - for I am no longer who I once was.  My mind keeps wanting to go backwards and retrieve the old me, and bring her into the future.  I full well know that this is an impossibility.  The courage that I must muster has to come from a different, new source.  My mind knows not of the future, nor where this confidence shall come, thus it looks backwards.  It is creating a great rift in my spirit.  

Trying to go forwards while looking backwards, is somewhat insane.  It causes conflict.  Internal conflicts, both mental and emotional.  I find myself grieving for the woman that I once was.  This causes me to loose sight, spiritual sight, of the woman that I am now.  I think to a great extent - I do not know who I am this time around.  My going back out into the world some 12 years after hiding myself …

Precious Pain

I've loved someone for 16 years.  I wonder if it will ever go away.  All I have to do is hear a song.  The pain floods back, the ache fills my heart - and the query - the unending query begins again.  Where is he?  What is he doing?
 It was a pain so deep, I did not think I'd live through it.  As with love, it took me by surprise.  It swept me away.  It were as if a fairy tale took over my life.  I'd known this man for quite some time in a completely different arena.  I'd respected him greatly - albeit he'd angered me at times because of his aloofness.  What I found completely and utterly overwhelmed me - and took me to a place I don't know I'd ever been - and have not been since.  With what happened to me, I don't imagine I'll go again.  
It wasn't as if any of the pain that occurred  was purposeful for I know there was no intent.  It merely was just a thing of life.  I guess one could say, it just was not meant to be, for us.  Or perhaps, I love…

Melissa Etheridge - precious pain LYRICS

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Inner struggles

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I've been searching for quite sometime now.  I was crying in my car today - not sure if it was the full moon - or just more of the inner turmoil that I've been going through.  You see, I'm trying to find my purpose again.  I thought at one time in my life, I'd found it.  I felt like on  Maslow's hierarchy of need's, I was at the top. I thought I had reached self- actualization.  I set forth to achieve a goal, and I completed it, with flying colors.  I'd found my calling.  For seven years, I flew.  Not without difficulties at times, but overall, I knew that I was where I was supposed to be, and doing what I was born to do.  This was until the pain began.  Everything changed when the pain began.

Needless, I suppose to say - I blew it.  I could not handle prescription pain killers.  In all actuality - they handled me.  I lost everything, everything... and then some.  I was so numb, I told myself I did not care - but deep down inside, I was dying.  

I proceeded t…

Pondering life without devices

We have many devices - most for communications sake, yet few of us speak to each other.  I find this disheartening.  I find it more and more difficult that the more machines we create, the further and further we get from being close nit humans.  Of course we're close (most people) with our families and few friends ... but we hide behind these 'things.'  They've become our discomfort protectors.  There often even rude and annoying.  I've even sensed peoples fear behind their devices.  These things are our disconnect from society.  

If I were to be able to go back in time, I'd go back to when people helped each other - and communities rallied together in difficult times.  Not just during a huge catastrophe.  I am a communicator by nature - and if I don't talk to people -- I get weird.  Yes, I said "weird."  I believe this is part of the worlds problems.  We walk around acting like others don't exist.  When someone can lie hurt on a sidewalk, and …

learning, change and it's gift.

Change is a gift.  This is what I believe.  I won't say that it comes without a price.  Change is usually painful, and most humans resist it.  I like to sit back in my mind's eye and observe it.  I like to observe my mind.  It gives you greater mental and emotional control over your life.  It does not stop change - but it can alter your reactions to it.  

Live evolves.  This is a great truth.  There is absolutely nothing we can do about it.  If one tries, they hinder themselves.  Greatly.  We become void and lifeless.  I have someone that I love dearly now, that is using alcohol to numb himself to the fact that he refuses to change. He professes that he does not know how - and perhaps this is a truth -- for if a person does not have coping skills, this can  present a great mental rift.  Yet many have even told him which direction to take - he just chooses not to take a step.  I have tried every thing I know to persuade him, yet he will make no choices.  This is his prerogative.…

Random Thoughts on resentments.....

I realize it's Thanksgiving - but a post on Facebook has me and my mind all over the place.  It has to do with blood money - and I'm struggling to feel gratitude this morning.  I always have an undercurrent of of it, it is just who I am - but this morn, I struggle not to feel resentment.  We all know that feeling...  

I'm trying to figure how to eradicate it from my being. I am not a grudge holding type of person.  However, when a being has been hurt so deeply - the rip in one's spirit is hard to deny.  I have a psychopath for a brother. I'm being completely serious.  He has financially raped my family from three deaths.  The essence of this that leads me to know (besides his being labeled by a psychiatrist of mine) is that he believes it has been his complete right to do what he has done.  He thinks he is far superior to other humans.  He thinks nothing of acquiring blood money.  He is a pathological liar - and is very proficient at projecting his pathology upon me…

Grieving my Dad

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It's been two years and seven months since I lost my Father.  I still cry.  I cried this morning.  Thanksgiving is a difficult time, daddy loved this holiday.  I don't have a family home, nor do I have much family left - that I feel particularly close to.  I'm still somewhat close with my Mom, but after everything that transpired after my father's death - that relationship is, well what it is.  I just no longer have a core family unit.  Not that we had much of a core family.  My brothers have always had animosity towards me.  I was the only girl, my father's only child (my brothers were halves) and the baby of the family.  I guess in their eyes, I've been a favorite - all my life.  So the only real core that I've ever had was my Father.  When I lost him, especially after taking care of him for eight years after the aneurism and stroke - was earth shattering.  

I do not believe that grief comes in 'stages'.  I just don't believe that it's that…

loneliness despite contentment.

I am a content person.  I do not feel like I 'need' another person to complete me - yet I struggle with loneliness.  I often times wonder how  many others there are like me.  In the depths of our apartments, behind the wheels of our cars, does anyone else feel that emptiness that I feel?

Most days, I'm pretty okay.  There are just certain times, that it really gets to  me.  Particularly around the holidays.  My family ceases to exist any longer - since my Father died and my mother is in a nursing home.  I have two brothers, but we don't talk - due to things that happened over my father's death.  These conditions, and my being single, leave my life with a bit of alone time.  I'm new to the area in which I live - and I'm still making friends.  The evenings, at times are very quiet.

I don't believe that we're meant to be alone.  I've been sort of a lone wolf -- most of my life -- for what ever reason.  Some say I'm a pioneer, or perhaps just…

Brain Fog

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My mind.  It just does not work at times.  I have entire years that I cannot remember.  It makes me feel subhuman.  I can really do a number on myself when I think about it a great deal.  I even have times when I cannot remember the persons name of which I'm working with.  It seems that this is something new for me - this brain freeze that I'm experiencing.  I don't like it much.  How could anyone like it when your own brain fails you?  

I search for answers as to what to do.  I've had advice from professionals - "keep notes, keep a journal," - and I think 'I'm only 50 years old!'  How is it that this has happened to me at this age?!  Yet, even as I ask this question, I know it's answer.  Surgeries, medication, and trauma.  

Now, my quest is what do I do with what I have?  Knowing myself, and I do know myself - after all the pondering, and pontification I will have to find a solution.  This is affecting me greatly as I try and reenter the workin…

Things that bind us.

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I tend to think we need to feel connected to other humans.  I believe that our lives, and what we've been through in our paths, connect us.  That is, if we're willing to share it with another human.  This involves risk.  The greater, or more difficult the journey - the greater the risk in disclosing our journey.  I think too, that pain shared, is pain lessoned.  Pain is very sharp when experienced alone.  I know this, from the grief of my father - and my own struggle with depression.  

Most of what I know - as it is with most individuals - is from our life experience.  It is "common" knowledge.  Common to me because I've lived it.  Every experience that I've gone through has made me a stronger and  wiser human.  I say this because I utilize experience as a learning tool.  Even mistakes - I view as learning opportunities.  It is no longer a mistake when seen this way.  It was a life learning opportunity in which I made mind challenging choices.  If I learn, I d…

Sunday Mornings

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Good Morning!  I love Sundays!!! Sundays are my favorite day of the week.  I owe it all to my church.

It all began when I first moved to this town, in January.  My best friend recommended this church.  I had also heard from another friend about the same church, so I thought, "why not?"  I'd been attending at the small town that I had previously been living and I wanted to continue.  I thought with two recommendations -- and high ones at that - perhaps I was in for a treat.  Little did I know, my life was about to be completely transformed.

I'd never been to a church such as this.  I attend a 'Grace' ministry.  We are a New Covenant church.  We don't do condemnation.  We don't do 'sinners saved' in the same way as most Christian churches do.  We believe to repent means to change your mind.  We are a Jesus based faith.  It all begins and lives in Him.  His life, His teaching, His death and resurrection.  Some have called us a cult.  It is far…

Motivationally Speaking...

Today is a much more productive day.  The neurons are firing at a much better rate.  I wonder sometimes how it is and wish I had studied the brain more - to know the seat of motivation.  When one lives alone, there is no one to hold them accountable but themselves. I have an automatic pilot mind... with an auto save button inside.  Not so much with repetitive thought -  but more with a "pushing" brain.  "Do this, do that," murmurs my mind.  I oft think that it is my Mother that lives in my head.  The times when I pushed that huge vacuum when I was four years old.  Who cares if my floors are clean?  Well, in all actuality - I guess I do.  

The human mind is a miraculous thing.  I've been on a weird tract lately and I have let my apartment go a bit.  I've been pouring every ounce of energy that I have into my volunteer work.  When I come home, I'm exhausted.  It's a good exhaustion.  I've now a little title in my life, Enterprising Specialist Manag…

The difference a day can make...

I've had a grand day.  I got to go in and volunteer today.  The day started out with my pain level at about an 8, which is/was very difficult to bare.  I had my scheduled appointment at the clinic - and made some adjustments and I feel much better.  I am grateful.  Grateful, indeed.  

I struggle with my life, when pain is at the forefront.  It over takes my every thought.  This is a difficult way to live, and few persons understand it.  As hard as I try to push it as far from my consciousness -- sitting, standing, almost any activity is preoccupied with it.  Pain seems to take on, a life of its own.  

 I don't like talking about it, and I abhor it's every pulse.  It interrupted my sleep last evening - which precipitates itself, and makes one's waking hours belabored.  Life is not supposed to be this way.  Yet, my life has been, in one shape or fashion - like this for many years now.  

I find ways to keep on going, and I find courage.  Some days, it has to come from a dept…

Helping others.

I might be odd.  I might be very odd.  I find it an honor to help other people.  I like it when I get called upon to help.  I have learned a valuable lesson in helping other people.  It has taught me how to ask for help myself.  

Someone once said to me, "do you know how good you feel when you get a chance to help someone else?", and I pondered this question.  It does feel good.  Granted, there are times when we may not be overly excited about what we're asked to do -- but we are given the option either to do, or not to do.  This is our prerogative.  I have in the last year, tried diligently to answer with a resounding 'yes!,' when asked, if I can at all possible do what is asked of me.  I cannot say that I have always received what my ego thought it should, but I have also been working on my ego.  I have been trying to be an observer of it's thoughts, as if it is a separate entity from my other thoughts.  I've been singling it out.  I now know it's vo…

Bottoms Up

Ouch.  I ache today.  Struggling with getting moving.  Depression seems to be at the forefront of my every activity.  Yet and still, we must keep on going.  Depression, pain and anxiety - three things that I have to overcome on a daily basis.  I would seem like the anxiety would help motivate the depression, but it seems to just uptake the thoughts of depression.  Some days are better than others, granted.  I suppose it is like this with most life.  I find that in prayer, I don't experience the symptoms as much - so is that this answer?  One is to be in prayer at all times?

I know that I work very diligently to be the best version of me that I can be on a daily basis.  I find solace in this that no one knows me like I do, and God.  Yet - this does not let me off the hook.  I guess I have such a internal drive, some folks call this perfectionism - I like to call it perseverance.  I've been through a great deal in life - most of it not good.  However, it propels me to move forw…

Some Days........

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There are those days when it's hard to get up.  I know when my feet hit the ground, I've got an agenda. I suppose most folks do.  My quandary  is my dog.  I don't get to relax in the morning and wake up slowly -- I have to hit the ground and put on clothes.  My 10 year old Australian Shepherd has to go out, first thing.  It was sweet this morning -- she followed me to the bathroom and gave me a sweet wake up.  She is my constant companion.  I love her, but being a person with chronic pain, I struggle some mornings.  Some mornings I don't get up "cheerfully" - and I am kind of slow.  My girl, Lucky doesn't understand, slow... Her bladder just knows "out."  So up and out we go.  My mind is aching for that first sip of coffee - and my morning meds.  I've managed to decipher a way of keeping my clothes near, and it takes seconds to get dressed.  Lucky is a good and quite smart dog - so she relieves herself quickly.  So I am able to get back in …

A Day Off

I'm off today, yet I rise before the sun.  I usually do.  I say "off"... but I don't actually have a paid position, I'm a volunteer.  I am a 50 year old female with chronic pain, and I am disabled.  I have been since 2001.  Prior to this I was a substance abuse counselor.  The transition from being a full time employee to a disabled person, was extremely difficult.  People always introduce themselves by what they "do".  In this society - we are defined by what we do for a living.  I had now lost that because of chronic pain.  I did not realize how much, nor how deeply this would affect my life.  It would take several years for its impact to settle into my soul.  In all actuality, I still struggle with it today.  I have had to learn who I am, all over again - yet in a much deeper and on a more spiritual level.  I tell folks, we are human beings, not human doings.  Most folks don't really understand however, it is one of those things --- one has to m…