Trying to go forwards while looking backwards, is somewhat insane. It causes conflict. Internal conflicts, both mental and emotional. I find myself grieving for the woman that I once was. This causes me to loose sight, spiritual sight, of the woman that I am now. I think to a great extent - I do not know who I am this time around. My going back out into the world some 12 years after hiding myself from it - is conjuring up all sorts of fears. I do not do fear well. I suppose, none of us do. I don't even like the spirit of it. I suspect because it does not serve me, nor my personality. Many times, I get angry because of it. I think to a great degree, because of the aspect of powerlessness that it ascribes. I've been powerless over many aspects of life, but who I am, since 1987 - my triumph year ; everything in my life began to be propelled towards a new beginning, I've challenged it all. Being where I am now is very uncomfortable- and this place reminds me of the pain of my failure. There is shame, guilt, and feelings I keep thinking I've overcome. Every time I hit this place, it is another jolt of pain of not measuring up from my childhood. This is another piece of history that I think I've processed through...
I full well know that life evolves, as does our most painful processes. Just when we think we're done, life hands us a lesson. I can only deduce that it keeps me humble - keeps me grounded and aware of my life. I have to think that what I do with it is what matters. If I want to ruminate in it - and wallow, well life is going to be pretty miserable. I can but go on. The whole thing in of itself is exhausting. I've cried a few days now, and I know that in the shedding of the tears is healing. I have to grieve my prior life. I cannot go backward. Somehow I have to collectively reconvene who I am and become the woman God would have me to be. Did I like the woman I was? Yes, she was intelligent, confident, strong and bold. She knew where she was going - and how to get there. I held my head up high, and walked with purpose. But, I crumbled. And crumbled badly.
I think the biggest fear is, have I forgotten all that I knew? This is a trail of thought that haunts me. The silliest of answers is, I'll never know until I try.
Try I will. This has to be my mantra. I have to learn to let this go. I have to apply forgiveness to myself. I've forgiven those that don't even deserve it, but struggle so with myself. Expectations - such a horrible word in my vocabulary. Those that I have of myself. The Mother in me, where I never, ever measured up - and usually didn't even get acknowledged. I have to learn how to validate myself. So easy even in identification, however difficult for me to incorporate.
It doesn't always help when you know what your problems are. Nor even when you know there solutions - for there are times when it is the process by which one gets lost. I did not have the nurturer - thus this is very foreign to me. I can do it for others all day - but the faucet just won't turn on when it's my turn to hit the shower.
I'm grateful I love God, but I only let Him in so far. I'm afraid there too. I've lost everyone that ever meant anything to me, and I don't 'go all in' easily. It's a shame. I'm the one that looses. I love people dearly but do I believe they love me? It's questionable. Most come to me to tell me their problems an seek solutions via my advice. I'm a trained listener... why not? It's few an far between when I have an earnest ear. My childhood perpetuates this... I never had a voice in my family and I pick friends that treat me the same way -- I think it's in my DNA.
It all is a journey and this blog is all over the place tonight. I guess like I feel. I know that I'll get there and become who I destined. I'm just having a rough go of it right how. I am a child of God and it isn't about 'feeling', it is about faith. There two different things. I had another answer to a prayer last night with a young woman at church. I had a chance to reach out to someone - and I did. It felt really good. She did not realize I needed her as much as she needed me. Life is hard for me at times, I'm alone with my thoughts a lot. Too much perhaps. It is only temporary though I know. God has wonderful things in store for me. I am guilty of limiting God. I know full well He is capable of the miraculous. It's just this journey right now that is daunting. These holidays without my Dad - without a family home, and alone again for another year. It is hard.
Journey's can be hard. Journey's are what we make them. As long as we don't get stuck, and keep progressing, things always change. Things usually get better. I know that mine will. I have too much going on in my life for it not to and I refuse to settle for anything else. I believe this is the greatest part of the endeavor. The spirit in which we handle our paths. Some days are harder than others, but with the rising of the sun - we get a new opportunity. In this light, we always get another chance.
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