Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Inner struggles

I've been searching for quite sometime now.  I was crying in my car today - not sure if it was the full moon - or just more of the inner turmoil that I've been going through.  You see, I'm trying to find my purpose again.  I thought at one time in my life, I'd found it.  I felt like on  Maslow's hierarchy of need's, I was at the top. I thought I had reached self- actualization.  I set forth to achieve a goal, and I completed it, with flying colors.  I'd found my calling.  For seven years, I flew.  Not without difficulties at times, but overall, I knew that I was where I was supposed to be, and doing what I was born to do.  This was until the pain began.  Everything changed when the pain began.

Needless, I suppose to say - I blew it.  I could not handle prescription pain killers.  In all actuality - they handled me.  I lost everything, everything... and then some.  I was so numb, I told myself I did not care - but deep down inside, I was dying.  

I proceeded to do as most addicts do, and part of  me died.  

This was now, some twelve years ago.  It's taken me that long to try and get myself out of the insanity's grip.  I now want my life back.  I still have a great deal of healing to do -- and I am in process.  Process is difficult.  I still have all the desires that I once had, an I have the same mind.  Well, most days.  With exception to the part that still remembers how badly I failed.  I suppose it is like this with many people, but others at times, believe more in me than I do in myself.  If only I could muster the confidence that I once had...  

Therein lies the struggle.  I used to be so confident in my skills.  The past has a way of eating at one's faith in oneself.  I wish I knew the key in eradicating this.  The fear that it conjures up is very distasteful.  It is not as it once was, for it was debilitating.  I am proud of myself that I've come this far -- yet I still have so far to go.  Therein lies faith.  I am a very spiritual person, or at least I profess to be.  Yet there are certain things that cause  my faith to falter.  This issue is one of them.  It is very odd, because I know that God can do all things.  It has to do with me, where the problem lies.  Will He do it for me?  I don't know for certain where this doubt comes.  I've seen many a storm in my life, and lived through them all.  Lived through them, and learned from it - and came out a much stronger woman.  I can see my Lord all over it.  I do not know if this is human weakness that causes me to feel this fear and doubt?  I do not understand it.  

I had a break through today.  I stepped up to a plate that I've been wanting to.  I do not know where the road will lead, but I took the first step.  I know that my qualifications are there, it has just been so long since I've functioned in my element.  I'm hoping that it will be - to coin a phrase - like riding a bike...  I hope that everything will come back to me.  

I've been given projects where I currently volunteer - that require me to utilize my skills.  This is pushing me, propelling me forward.  It is really a God send.  It will force me to think along the lines of my skills.  I need this.  I really need it.  It literally is an answer to many prayers.  The first thing out of my mind is "don't screw this up!"  Indeed, I'm hard on myself.  If you'd had my Mother - you would be as well.  I would like to learn how to stop this.  I did not used to do this.  How one combats past truths, inner struggles, faltering faith - and fear... well, I'm learning.  Baby steps, I suppose.  It is as if I have polar opposites inside of me.  I wonder if I am alone in this?  I'll forge on, but the tasks ahead will be enlightening, at best.  I say this with positivity.   I am a very grateful person - and generally full of hope.  This is why I struggle when the negativity starts.  

I do know that if God is pointing me in this direction, then it is right.  I will take the challenge with a good heart and mind.  I'll give it everything that I've got.  I'll tell myself I can do it, whether I fully believe it or not.  I will go forward humbly - and with integrity.  This is who my Father taught me to be, and who my heavenly Father would want me to be.  I honor the journey... where ever it leads and pray for God's will.  His will is always my wish.  I had a prayer answered today.   A heartfelt prayer.  I am humbled and grateful - albeit I'm a little bit afraid.  I guess I wouldn't be human if after all of this time out of the work force -- I have to start over.  I do believe that once we make a decision to take  a direction that the universe gets behind us.  God is my universe.  He created it.  He hung the stars and the moon - and He knows what is best for me.  If He believes in me, perhaps it is time that I started believing in myself.  Move past the past, and embrace the present.  I know that's where He lives.  

We all have storms.  Some last lifetimes.  I'm thankful that mine did not.  God didn't let me suffer my entire life.  Now I've got to get busy with the banishment of this fear.  The only way I know is by doing it anyway.  Eleanor Roosevelt said it best, "we  must do the thing we think we cannot do." I guess that means, me too.    

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