Sunday, November 18, 2012

loneliness despite contentment.

I am a content person.  I do not feel like I 'need' another person to complete me - yet I struggle with loneliness.  I often times wonder how  many others there are like me.  In the depths of our apartments, behind the wheels of our cars, does anyone else feel that emptiness that I feel?

Most days, I'm pretty okay.  There are just certain times, that it really gets to  me.  Particularly around the holidays.  My family ceases to exist any longer - since my Father died and my mother is in a nursing home.  I have two brothers, but we don't talk - due to things that happened over my father's death.  These conditions, and my being single, leave my life with a bit of alone time.  I'm new to the area in which I live - and I'm still making friends.  The evenings, at times are very quiet.

I don't believe that we're meant to be alone.  I've been sort of a lone wolf -- most of my life -- for what ever reason.  Some say I'm a pioneer, or perhaps just very independent.  I do not wish to be to the point that I'm in this single state all of my life, however it is difficult to meet people in this day and age.  It seems everyone is trying harder to buy more gadgets that separate us than we've ever tried to come together.  More things to smash our faces into that distance us.  It's like we've become increasingly afraid of human contact - like it is a disease.  All of these things that occupy our time, our lives, our minds, that distance us.  We all communicate via machines now.  Much as I am here.  I don't have humans to talk to, so I blog my thoughts.  It's frightening really.  It makes my heart hurt.

 I believe one can be content with who they are and still be missing the companionship of another.  Can I still survive?  Sure.  Would life be happier for me if I had company?  Sure... Yet, I am grateful for all the things that I have - and the life that I lead.  I think this is the difference.  I don't need someone to do for me what I can do for myself.  I am already as complete as I can be at this point in my life... it's all a work in progress.  I'm where I'm at, and tomorrow is a new day - and there will be something that I learn in that day.  Hopefully this will continue, until I'm no longer here.

I have mentioned that I'm a christian.  I believe that for whatever reason, there must be some reason that  there isn't someone in my life.  I don't mean this in a punishment sort of way - more like there is something yet for me to learn.  Something that I have yet to discover prior to meeting the right one.  I like everyone else have my share of relationship problems.  If it is not in His will, then there is a reason.  I am not God, and I do not understand His ways.  What I have to do is continue to learn, keep having His heart - and be open.  My life experience will be my best teacher.  When it is time, my companion will show up.  I believe this.

Until then I have to deal with these feelings.  I do realize however, there just feelings.  Deep feelings at times, and wrenching - but when it does happen, I pray.  I pray and I force myself to trust.  I know that I have such a limited understanding of all that God is doing in my life.  The entity that hung the moon and the stars - I know I cannot comprehend.  I don't know why I try.  He has moved mountains in my life, and done things that I never thought could be possible.  I know that He has a partner for me - an amazing man.  When I'm in my right mind and not my feelings  - I can be rational.  Feelings aren't rational.  Those nights when I just want to be held... I'm not rational.  I'm human.   God made me this way.  

Even in my humanness, I can be grateful, for all that I have - all that God has done and is doing in my life.  I loose sight of that sometimes.  I'm like anyone else - I want what I want, when I want it.  Yet, I do strive to have an awareness of this when I find myself in such a short- sightedness.  I catch myself, and pray.  I do not pray for forgiveness, for I have not sinned.  All I've done is be human.  I pray to have more trust in my Lord.   I'm grateful, so very grateful that I have prayer - and God's word for comfort.  So many people don't.  Many are afraid to believe, or think it immature.  I am not ashamed, nor immature.  If it were not for God and His loving kindness - I would have not made it this far.  My story is a difficult one.  My story is belabored by a multitude of mistakes - wrong turns - bad choices - and failure.  I've had successes, but I also made sure I destroyed that too.  Of my own, I know little.  I owe so much to God.  I am no Bible thumper - nor am I religious - I simply have a relationship with Jesus.  Not that this is simple, but in a sense love is arrestingly simple to the heart.  I miss human companionship.  I have off days.  I do however, know where to go and what to do on the days that I struggle.

So I'm a person that struggles with loneliness at times, however, I know what to do when I do.  I know where to turn.  I am content in my life for the most part.  When God made Adam, for the first time in creation He stated "It is not good" - and He meant 'that man be alone'... and I get that.  Therefore, He created Eve.  I guess I'm still waiting for my Adam.  God will deliver - of this I am sure.

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