I've loved someone for 16 years. I wonder if it will ever go away. All I have to do is hear a song. The pain floods back, the ache fills my heart - and the query - the unending query begins again. Where is he? What is he doing?
It was a pain so deep, I did not think I'd live through it. As with love, it took me by surprise. It swept me away. It were as if a fairy tale took over my life. I'd known this man for quite some time in a completely different arena. I'd respected him greatly - albeit he'd angered me at times because of his aloofness. What I found completely and utterly overwhelmed me - and took me to a place I don't know I'd ever been - and have not been since. With what happened to me, I don't imagine I'll go again.
It wasn't as if any of the pain that occurred was purposeful for I know there was no intent. It merely was just a thing of life. I guess one could say, it just was not meant to be, for us. Or perhaps, I loved him more than he loved me. I adored him.
Personalities sometimes do not mix. They can fall in love - but cannot stay together. Love does not know about nor is a respecter of personalities. This can be a very difficult truth. Some people fight their entire lives trying to get a relationship to work - and do not learn this. It was crushing for me. I recall feeling as if my heart would burst - and the pain is still intense. I still love this man. I know that I will not meet another like him - and I guess I have accepted this. It does not stop it from hurting, however.
We build dreams in our heads. We all do it. When things don't work out, the dream must die. It is in the dying of the dream, that the pain overtakes us. Our minds must assimilate to the new reality. Thus, the pain. The loss. All of our plans and designs, just die. Had I seen myself in all kinds of realities with this man? Of course. I suppose that is what make the pain live on - and at times have a life of its own. It is a keeper of the flame. I suppose too, there is a part of me that doesn't want it to completely go out. It was the love affair of a lifetime, one I'll never forget. Parts of it, keep me alive. It is in the knowing that love is possible, and on the level that I experienced it. The devastating part is even when I have it again, will I compare? This I do not know. I would imagine on some level, I will.
I am hopeful - for I know that I've grown as a woman. Pain always brings growth. Especially this kind of deep, immense pain. Some would call it a rebirth of sorts. We cannot but come out of it new souls. The change is from the inside out. From the birth of a dream, to its death. It is a grief only the person is still alive. We have to somehow make peace with our feelings. We have to succumb to the idea and belief that feelings are just part of being human. They are part of the process. Feelings let us know that we are alive. The more difficult ones, well take time and patience with ourselves - and gentleness.
The days I struggle with this are surely very few now - but it is still there. I do honor the time I had with him. My memory is very vivid. I don' think anyone could have had the love story we had, and ever forget. I wonder now as I write if it was meant to be a turning point in my life - a transformation of sorts. That's what it ended up being. It catapulted me from one position in my life to another. God works in mysterious ways, His wonders never cease, I have lived this. He doesn't promise life without pain, or answers to prayers via all sunshine and rainbows. I know unequivocally that things happen for reasons. I don't believe in 'random' anything. The difficulty lies in our only knowing a small portion of God's wonders in our lives. If only the whole picture were in view. We probably couldn't handle it.... However, I am today aware of pain and its process. Life and its mystery. Love and its challenges. Life and its destinies. We don't always get what we want, nor what we think is good for us. This is a difficult truth. One today, I must accept. Acceptance is always a good place.