Showing posts from July, 2017

Present Pain

I hold my breath.  I actually cannot breathe.  In the midst of what I'm currently going through.  Oh - you'd never know to see me, talk to me, or ask me how I am.  It's only in the darkest recesses of my alone time, and with the trusted of friends that I share where my heart is now.  This current journey is perhaps the most difficult that I've ventured yet.  I hide from it as best I can.  Why, you might ask?  Because what's taking place is (and needs to be) completely consumptive and life changing.  My behavior needs to change in order for the proper identity to be instilled and cemented.  This is, in my belief -  one of the most damaging things that I've worked through as of yet.

I've found myself pushing the most important of persons, as far away from me - to the extent that I almost lost them.  I did not even realize what I had done, or was doing until a few days ago.  I dislike this grieving process just that much.  It isn't that I don't like …

A place to hide.

I wish I knew why it is that when I am going through difficult emotional periods, I seem to push God away.  I am not certain is I push - or if I just go through a period of choosing not to feel all together.  See, feeling things isn't one of my greatest endeavors - I tend to avoid it -- at all costs.  Most addicts do (recovering or active).  Most of the time a person that has been down the path of addiction did so at a ripe young age -- for me, I was eleven years old when my "career" began.  What is in the research is that the person just stops maturing when the chemicals begin.  They stop maturation emotionally at any rate.  Oh they keep on growing physically and for all intensive purposes they look like they're just like everyone else -- but they're not.  They're's many a defect.  Anyways ---

I'm working through some really difficult issues with Doc in therapy - the EMDR that I told you all about several months ago - (Eye Movement Desensitization R…


A caterpillar to a butterfly.

 I've not written in some time.  There's much on my mind - and several things pulling at my heart.  As most of you know, when I delve into something, I do not do so lightly.  I've shared that I am in process with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing)  therapy with an amazing psychologist and that we're "remapping" memories.  I'll simplify it as much as I can - by activating both frontal lobes of the brain quickly(with hand movement) - and recalling a traumatic event - until you process through (which can take quite a bit of time) until the memory is no longer unpleasant... The process also builds layer upon layer of positive affirmations and unhinges beliefs associated with said trauma, to replace the once negative memory with a positive experience.  Now that's a mouthful.  Basically I follow doc's movement with my eyes, and it activates the frontal lobes left, then right quite quickly - as I recall painfu…