Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Dealing with difficult people.


This is me, today after surgery yesterday morning.  Sorry I look so awful - but I did just have a sedptorihineoplasty.   My nose had been broken and was crooked, as well as having had a deviated septum.  The doctor corrected all of that - including breaking multiple bones, as well as restructuring the tip and the end that was coming out too far or "bulging" as he called it.  It is/was a very painful surgery - and I am in a great deal of pain as I write.  I was made to stay overnight for pain control due to the insolence of the pain clinic that I have to go to because of the chronic pain that I have.  There isn't anywhere else that will treat my pain.  The physician that is in charge there, flat out denied an additional pain meds post surgery.  Stating that what I currently on was enough.  I had a feeling he was going to do this because he has absolutely NO COMPASSION and IS INEPT in his profession.  How in the world can broken bone and cutting of flesh be covered by medication that isn't even managing my current level of pain - it has not been altered in over (at least 5 years) and my pain levels now are from 6-8 daily --- supposed to cover this pain?  I'm livid to say the least and just blown away.  I was frankly so enraged I was shaking.  



How does someone deal with a controlling maniac like this?  I told my ear, nose, and throat doctor that I'd just break my contract with them.  Of course, this leaves me in a lurch.  I'll tell you yesterday after surgery, I could have cared less.  I'm still in SO MUCH pain.  However, you see it is not him that is suffering.  He- we'll call him - Dr. O, has no negative affects.  He can still carry out his life with no side affects, and obviously has no conception of pain.  My doctor that did the surgery called and called him and explained what was done an it was still a definitive "NO".

What do I do now?  Obviously I have to deal with the pain.  That's a given, I have no choice because Dr. O has convinced my nose dr. that I will go into respiratory arrest if given anything stronger --- because he thinks he's the expert on pain medication.  I can tell you after having had three pain pumps and being on high levels of pain medications --- he is completely stupid.  Yes, I said he is quite unlearned about increased tolerance --- for I have had pharmacology in college.  He has as much as said to me that he will never change my meds.  This is insane...  I think he got his license off the internet... SERIOUSLY.  However there is nothing now that I can do.  I am completely powerless.

I ask myself what does this mean?  Why is this happening?  Does God have anything to do with this or is this just ruthless people?  I know that my Lord would not have me suffer like this.  I just know that.  I just refuse to believe that the God of my belief/understanding would not want me to suffer, that this has everything to do with this doctors ignorance.

So please, I'm asking for prayers.  I need them.  It seems to me that it's time for a change.  Obviously. God will direct me.  I do have an option - I think.  I will call in the morning - they open @ 6:00 a.m.
I have great faith.  I believe that this will turn out as it should, and that God has me, in the palm of His hand.  Yes, I'm suffering but no one said this life would be suffering free.  People at times are difficult, and we experience storms in our lives.  There is a reason that all of this is happening - I just have to stay open and humble until the end, or my answers come.  The Lord has an answer.  I will always, always have hope.

Thank you,  Gina


Thursday, July 20, 2017

Present Pain





I hold my breath.  I actually cannot breathe.  In the midst of what I'm currently going through.  Oh - you'd never know to see me, talk to me, or ask me how I am.  It's only in the darkest recesses of my alone time, and with the trusted of friends that I share where my heart is now.  This current journey is perhaps the most difficult that I've ventured yet.  I hide from it as best I can.  Why, you might ask?  Because what's taking place is (and needs to be) completely consumptive and life changing.  My behavior needs to change in order for the proper identity to be instilled and cemented.  This is, in my belief -  one of the most damaging things that I've worked through as of yet.

I've found myself pushing the most important of persons, as far away from me - to the extent that I almost lost them.  I did not even realize what I had done, or was doing until a few days ago.  I dislike this grieving process just that much.  It isn't that I don't like to feel, I'm just NOT good at it.  The pendulum swings too wide for me - because of my intensity.  Hell, not even I can handle myself at times --- my sensitivity, and the range of emotions .  Try interacting with others attempting to "monitor" yourself.  I truly think I either feel or I shut them off.  It's an addict thing - pretty much as bad as I dislike it - black and white kind of emoting.  I liken to think myself an outside of the box person --- however there's certainly that all or nothing aspect to my persona.  I don't like that.  I try so hard not to illicit that.  I did not really realize how much I do utilize such processes until I started seeing Doc.  Then "bam", there it is in your face --- your lovely behavior on a plate for you to view.

I have had to force myself to communicate with God.  I'm baffled by this.  Oh, other than the fact that tears run the millisecond I utter a word of prayer or open my bible.  I suppose it has everything to do with the emotional pain.  Sometimes things just aren't even clear to me, the enlightened one..... lol.   What's so beautiful right now though is that God has answered my prayers!  I've found some exceptionally good friends.  Well, she found me.  I am so blessed right now.  An I say that facing surgery in four days - and even with the issues that I'm currently working on.  It is my nature to be grateful though --- I've learned this throughout life, I suppose it's my A.A. background.  Grateful folks tend to get drunk or high less often.  But it's more than that for me - I just have a huge heart, most of the time, full of joy.  That's God given, and no one can take this away.  As I think of it, that's my center - where my peace lives.  Given to me through a gift called grace - and the incredible Finished Work of Jesus Christ.  Grief may have it's moments, but it cannot have my being.

This is one of the reasons I write.  God speaks through me, for me, and to me.  It's such an absolute blessing.  My grandest hope is that someone, somewhere can relate - or finds inspiration in what I'm going through.  Even if I can't be specific right now --- just know no matter what the issue or circumstance and how bad it hurts - there is a Man names Jesus -- and He died for you.  As alone as I "feel" some times, and as much as I struggle, I will always triumph because of Him.  He is my Father, my Savior, the Author and the Finisher of my faith.  Even when I pull away from Him, He does not pull away from me, I believe He come closer because He knows that I'm hurting.  He was human, fully human, He suffered greatly - more than we can imagine -- His compassion is great.  He was the inventor of compassion and love, I think He understands!

I write to you today in pain, but with hope.  Always with hope and trust of better days ahead.  You see what I have is an identity problem still.  I do not fully accept and engulf who I know in my mind I am.   I am, my value -  higher than rubies.  A princess, the child of the Most High. The righteousness of God through Jesus Christ.    I cannot comprehend it yet.  I'm steady working on it, it's just that so much damage was done previously - the old me won't let go so easy.  It's taking  me (not God) quite a while to encapsulate the newness of my "new creation."  I already am this, I just need patience.  Everyone does.  It doesn't help that I'm avoiding feeding (reading my bible, praying - going to church).  I did go Sunday - my beloved previous pastor Paul was in town - and it was glorious.  He even preached about identity.  God is so amazingly awesome.  

I'm anxiously awaiting my session with Doc Friday.  It will be hard, but oh so necessary.  I'm changing, I can feel it.  Even though it hurts -- it's so good - this is so needed.  An God has given me friends to help me get through.  Hallelujah !!!  I am not so alone anymore!!!  He is so precious, and that even is an understatement of fact --- He's miraculous!!!!  I hope you know Him.  He has a purpose for all of us - we all have special gifts to bring into this world.  We're all each individuals, unlike any other -- with unique talents - may you find yours.

Thank you for reading this -- and please know that processing pain is not easy for anyone.  But it is worthwhile, and life changing.  We are not alone, not today, tomorrow or the hereafter.  God is love.  He invented it - and He created us so He could love us.  It's that simple.  When we hurt, He hurst for us.  Remember that.  It is pretty normal to push God away when we're hurting -- I am not certain why - but why doesn't matter.  Just draw near Him, and He will draw near you.  Believe me when I say -- there's nothing like it in this world.

God Bless,

Gina


Saturday, July 8, 2017

A place to hide.












I wish I knew why it is that when I am going through difficult emotional periods, I seem to push God away.  I am not certain is I push - or if I just go through a period of choosing not to feel all together.  See, feeling things isn't one of my greatest endeavors - I tend to avoid it -- at all costs.  Most addicts do (recovering or active).  Most of the time a person that has been down the path of addiction did so at a ripe young age -- for me, I was eleven years old when my "career" began.  What is in the research is that the person just stops maturing when the chemicals begin.  They stop maturation emotionally at any rate.  Oh they keep on growing physically and for all intensive purposes they look like they're just like everyone else -- but they're not.  They're's many a defect.  Anyways ---

I'm working through some really difficult issues with Doc in therapy - the EMDR that I told you all about several months ago - (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) -  this is where a traumatic memory is taken, and processed by stimulating the right and left frontal lobes of the brain quickly -- through rapid eye movement - via memory.  This therapy is executed mostly for those that suffer from PTSD - but it is used for multiple therapeutic avenues who's burdened by traumatic memories.  It is used some for persons with Dissociative Identity Disorder also.  At any rate - I've been undergoing this therapy for almost a year now - and we are working on some very difficult memories.  It's a partial memory - and it's just the kind that I do not like doing.  Usually more is revealed, and I have no control over what comes and when.  The emotions involved are usually quite painful -- and I don't like the feelings of not having any control of what comes.  It is quite unsettling.  As one would imagine -- it produces fear - and anguish.  

I have found myself in a sort of a "frozen" mode.  I just choose to do nothing -- take no chances, so I have no chance of feeling anything.  It's safer.  I don't let God in, no people, no nada.  I basically sit in front of the television and veg.  Or at least I've done this for a few days or so -- I haven't read my bible, and I haven't been anywhere.  I am afraid of what might come.  One thing that does tend to happen with EMDR is dreams.  It's how the psyche processes the trauma.  I even try to sleep fast.  I know that this sounds crazy - but it's true.  

I've spent too much money - money that I didn't have.  I'm still in the addictive pattern and I've really wanted to use.  Really bad.  This is how I push my feelings down.  I would like nothing more then just to stay "comfortably NUMB".  However - I know in my mind that this is not good and today I cried because I did interact yesterday and I went and did my volunteer gig at the nursing home.  I really enjoy it.  But I got in touch with my loneliness again.  I really dislike holidays.  I'm always alone.  I often wonder if I will be alone the rest of my life.  I pray so hard to God for that not to be true.  Today it seems like it will be like this, the rest of my life, but I do have faith - that God knows and will give me the desires of my heart.  

This is the beauty about God.  His grace and mercy is so unbelievable.  He loved me and brought me through when I was so undeserving.  I guess you could say, although a very troubled individual, I've always had a compassionate heart - because I've been through so much as a person.  My heart has always hurt for others.  When you grow up and you're not wanted, it does something to you. 
You see life differently.  It can't but change your perception towards the things that are of love in your life.  The people that do love you are so precious.  Not feeling like you are "enough" makes you always try your hardest, at each and everything that you ever undertake.  You don't even comprehend the word.... quit.  It just isn't an option.  You do everything to the absolute best of your ability (and then some)... in hopes that you'll be accepted, loved, noticed, that you'll finally matter....etc.  The really sad part is that it is an endless battle because you're trying to gain acceptance from someone who's is more often than not - mentally ill.  In my case - my parent was.  I just did not know it.  

However, I got off track again because I was writing about Jesus - or I was trying to.  If it weren't for Him, I would have killed myself (I tried many times) a long time ago.  When I say I tried -- I didn't deliberately set out to do so -- with exception of when I was 21... I had a nervous break down.  But I often didn't care one way or another.  But God kept me alive.  He knew that I was needed for something.  I still do not know what that purpose was.  I used to think that it was for the counseling that I did - but those days are over.  Maybe it was for the ones that I helped.  However, I'm still here.  I've just really not been wanting to deal with anything here lately.  I suppose that it is good that I realized that today.  I have gone for months and not known what was going on.  Hell, to be honest, I've gone for years and not really had a real feeling because of my meds.  While I was on one of my meds, I really did not feel anything like I do now for almost six years.  That's scary when I think about it.  It's difficult to track when you have fibromyalgia - because tracking isn't something that you do well.  

I really dislike holidays.  I spent some time with a friend today but virtually I always end up alone in the end.  I have a difficult time thinking, believing that things will ever end any other way than this.  However that is how I'm feeling right now -- I don't know what God has in store for me.  I can't sense Him right now - I don't know what He is working on, I just try to do my part, as best I can and be the best person I know how to be -- and pray when I can. It's not been real often here lately, I've been hiding.  I did a lot of that as a child too- and that's become a defect of mine.  I've got some serious financial difficulties coming up.  I've shopped myself into a problem.  I'm going to have to pay the piper now and I don't know how I'm going to do it.  I'm scared, and I don't know what is going to happen.  I'm probably going to have to stop paying some of my bills because I have to eat.  There just isn't much I can do about that.  I've got a real problem with the spending.  It's got to stop.  It's time to call a halt on something.  I've got to face reality now.  I've been very irresponsible.  I don't know that it's that per se, it's the addiction, I don't know if I can stop.  It's really hard when you're hurting and can't deal with it and have no support system.  

I wish someone would try what I'm going through and let me know how they do it.  I'ts absolute hell.  The only place I get good feelings is shopping.  Every other aspect of my life is either lonesome or somehow painful.  It seems to be.  Like doc says - "you are alone, and it's not supposed to be like this".  He's alsolutely right.  It's excruciating at times.  Sometimes it's tolerable, but most of the time, it's pretty awful.  I envy my friends.  they have no idea  what it's like of they'd do something.  I would if I were they're friend.  It's very interesting.  It is always different on the needful end of things.  

I will keep my head up - and try to process things as they come.  In all earnestness what else can we do?  My finances turned out better than I expected - I'm broke but I got every one paid.  That's always my greatest fear, that someone won't get paid.  I'm a responsible spending addict - what an oxymoron.   Oh believe you me - I'm a walking contradiction --- I'm sure.  I do really try.  Being someone that is of integrity is very important to me.  That doesn't mean that I have to have money --- it pertains to how I carry myself.  People can be broke ---- and feel like the richest person on earth --- it's all about perspective.  I won't give you the glass deal but I will challenge you to try to live your life with attention, be mindful and  to it as it comes.  Yesterday is just that behind you.  Tomorrow --- well that will take care of itself when it arrives.  Live fully as best you can - and make it your aim to be especially kind.  Give of yourself to people less fortunate than yourself.  Be courteous to each and everyone.  Look and see awe and wonder in your everyday life --- you will find it.  Jesus will show it to you is you have faith that it exists.  

Challenge your self and your faith today --- push to be present and mindful.  Jesus will meet you there.  Arms wide open.  

In grace,
Gina


Metamorphosis









A caterpillar to a butterfly.




 I've not written in some time.  There's much on my mind - and several things pulling at my heart.  As most of you know, when I delve into something, I do not do so lightly.  I've shared that I am in process with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing)  therapy with an amazing psychologist and that we're "remapping" memories.  I'll simplify it as much as I can - by activating both frontal lobes of the brain quickly(with hand movement) - and recalling a traumatic event - until you process through (which can take quite a bit of time) until the memory is no longer unpleasant... The process also builds layer upon layer of positive affirmations and unhinges beliefs associated with said trauma, to replace the once negative memory with a positive experience.  Now that's a mouthful.  Basically I follow doc's movement with my eyes, and it activates the frontal lobes left, then right quite quickly - as I recall painful memories.  Sometimes I have physical pain with it, sometimes I have headaches - it's really kind of wild.  I'm very grateful for this.  Doctor is a gift from God, I know because I'm healing in a way that I've never healed before.  He has had answers that I have needed that have burdened my soul for years.

What is really interesting however, as is my behavior during this period.  I have a difficult time staying "stable".  It's actually quite normal (whatever that is, I've never known normal) to exhibit irregular behaviors when doing this kind of work.  I wanted to write about loneliness - because my life is pretty empty however, it is getting better.  I'm digressing, and I apologize.  I've been really sick for the last two weeks, really sick.  Most of  you know about my spending -- and that aberrant behavior.  Well, it continues.  Often times I feel like a big ballon in a small casing-- there just isn't enough room for me here.  I'm too big.  My personality, my presence, my thoughts, everything about me is just too big.  I overwhelm people - straight out of the gate.  Everyone but my one friend - and I am so thankful for her!!!  We've both got big personalities, and we're learning to be okay around each other.  I love that -- that is the coolest thing to me, in the world.  That level of acceptance.  Don't you agree?

I've talked to doc about my yearning to just want to be special to someone.  I don't think that this is an unusual request - or an unattainable goal.  I have felt this way for a long while now.  Few people could handle spending the copious amounts of time that I spend alone.  I don't even believe that it's healthy - we aren't meant to be so alone.  It is not what I would choose - if given a choice.  Doc says that it wouldn't be good for me right at this particular juncture to be in relationship- and I do understand,  it doesn't mean that I have to like it.  An if I'm really completely honest with myself - I'm still hiding from the world.  I'm still stuck.  I vacillate back and forth between fight, flight, and frozen.


I really wanted to be somewhere else last week, or someone else.  My own insides were distasteful.   I don't know if anyone else can relate to that - but sometimes being "me" ain't all that it's cut out to be.  For one thing - I turned 55.  When I look back at my life, what do I have to show for it?  Not much.  I didn't die.  And, I've witnessed miracles.  That says a great deal -----right there.   You guys know that for all intensive purposes I should be dead ---- the multiple times that I've woken up on the floor, where I've passed out and hit my head from taking way too many narcotics.  I used to mix fentanyl  with morphine and Xanax -- sometimes there were other chemicals as well.  I think back to those times now, and I am filled with gratitude. I know that sounds like a crazy person said that --- but I'm completely sane, however -- this gives me a completely different perspective - which is exactly what I'm needing at this moment.  Thank God!!

I was introduced to drugs at the ripe age of eleven years old.  I was a full-blown addict by age 18.  I was already out of control before I was even an adult.  As I sit here today criticizing myself for slow progress -I have to remember where I came from.  I have to remember what I've been through.  If it weren't for the grace of God, I wouldn't even be here.  I loose sight of things sometimes.  I suppose we all do.  Doc and I have been working on some really difficult memories.  These specific memories have plagued me and have negatively shaped a part of my life that is in dire need of transformation.  That kind of change on that level --- is never easy.  It's okay though.  I'm strong, I can get through this, my Jesus knows how.  If I couldn't make it, it wouldn't be happening.

I realize that I just processed myself "out loud" for the whole world to read - but you know what?  I don't care.  Someone needs to read this.  That's what I feel.  Someone, somewhere else feels too big on the inside and they need to know that they're not alone.  I believe it's just that we're full of possibilities!  We're full of potential! We're full of passion.  I know that I am.  And I'm full of love.  Unconditional love for people.  Even the one's that will judge me for daring to write something like this and publish it.  But --- that's just me.  Please know that this is vey hard work, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  Processing through traumatic events such as I am - can often trigger many past feelings, behaviors, and thought processes.  What I'm attempting to do is hard work.  I forget that.  I'm real hard on myself.  I always have been.  I don't need anyone else to criticize me, I do great all by myself.  The greatest thing I can do, is do this work, and be gentle with myself.  This would be the greatest gift.

Those of you that actually read this all the way through -- I thank you.  May God bless you and keep you ----this is my prayer ---right in the palm of His hand.  Grace and Peace all the days of your life.... until next time...  Gina