Marianne Williamson my Goddess.....

I adore this woman.  Her words are like velvet to my brain.  I've read 4 of her books.  What I would give to write like her.  Everything she utters is profound.  Her view of life is simply one of love -of life, work and being.  Not a lazy love, but one with productivity.  We are responsible for each other, and the universe.  I like that.  I can live in love, much easier than fear.  I think we can all try.  I think the world would be a much more livable place.

Marianne ascribes that there really are only two emotions, love and fear.  Well actually it comes from the ever difficult 'A Course in Miracles.'  I tried to understand it, even took a class, but cannot say I agree with all of it's teachings.  I don't believe that this life is but a dream.  That's just me, I'm too reality based, and my feet are too firmly planted on the ground.  Pain, chronic pain has a way of doing that.  I have a hard time living in a dream world.  But alas, I digress.

Love?  Yes, we need much more of it, and not just on holidays.  It quickens the heart.  It springs forth compassion and good will towards man.  Things that are lacking in todays world.  Everyone has been so wrapped up in themselves since the nineties.  Self-esteem, self-worth - all of the self's... I'm guilty of it as well.  I matured during this period.  We forget to look outward while looking inward.

There is a song that I dearly wanted to post by Susan Tedeschi entitled, 'Revolutionize your Soul' - in which she talks about our never having seen a skyscraper.  Never having ridden in an elevator.  She talks about people driving Hummers.  I know that I cannot do these lyrics justice, but it is a song about simple things of life and how far we've gotten away from them.  I could not find it on youtube or I'd post it.  We have gotten so far into money, ourselves, and things that we've forgotten mankind.  Perhaps this is what is perpetuating our fears.  We're overwhelmed with success and its accusition.  

This leads me to believe it's no wonder I'm filled with fear at times.  No wonder that I push myself so hard.  Everyone wants credentials.  We're a world full of them, it's how we introduce ourselves.  We are not human beings we're human doings.  Who we are is less important that what we do.  How sad.

I know that I will not be the one to change this, nor set the world on fire about love.  I wish I could!  However, the chances of this are unlikely.  I can have my hopes.  I suppose I have to tend to my little portion of the world, these words that I write and my heart.  I can effect those that I touch.  I like this.  Instead of feeling powerless to my fears, it makes me feel like I have a little piece of power in my world.  I can go today and be kind.  I can quell the fears of the past - and be loving.  I can be kind, considerate, compassionate and earnest.  I can turn off the 'it's all about me', for today.  I can be in service of my fellow man.  I think to a great extent this is what Marianne really teaches - to be loving and kind - then see what develops in your life.  I believe this is what Jesus would have me do as well.  Perhaps this is the answer to the state of fear that I've been experiencing.  Just show up, and be loving - day by day.  Leave the consequences up to God.  Let life unfold.  There isn't much room for ruminating this way-- just life.  Perhaps this way, I'd leave myself alone.  Perhaps I'd learn to be loving to myself as well.  This seems to be a lifelong lesson for me.  The key here is to find peace.  Peace with myself.  I can't get it anywhere else, I've tried.  It all boils down to surrender once again.  Surrender  and acceptance.  I feel much more at peace today.  It is a matter of doing and not thinking.  Sometimes we just cannot think our way out of things.  It's got to be in the doing.  Today, I'm just going to do it.  Show up and love.

The Journey

I'm at a crossing in my life.  It is sort of like the switching of the guard.  At least this is how it feels.  I'm in process of 'becoming.'  There is pain as well as fear involved - for I am no longer who I once was.  My mind keeps wanting to go backwards and retrieve the old me, and bring her into the future.  I full well know that this is an impossibility.  The courage that I must muster has to come from a different, new source.  My mind knows not of the future, nor where this confidence shall come, thus it looks backwards.  It is creating a great rift in my spirit.  

Trying to go forwards while looking backwards, is somewhat insane.  It causes conflict.  Internal conflicts, both mental and emotional.  I find myself grieving for the woman that I once was.  This causes me to loose sight, spiritual sight, of the woman that I am now.  I think to a great extent - I do not know who I am this time around.  My going back out into the world some 12 years after hiding myself from it - is conjuring up all sorts of fears.  I do not do fear well.  I suppose, none of us do.    I don't even like the spirit of it.  I suspect because it does not serve me, nor my personality.  Many times, I get angry because of it.  I think to a great degree, because of the aspect of powerlessness that it ascribes.  I've been powerless over many aspects of life, but who I am, since 1987 - my triumph year ; everything in my life began to be propelled towards a new beginning, I've challenged it all.  Being where I am now is very uncomfortable- and this place reminds me of the pain of my failure.  There is shame, guilt, and feelings I keep thinking I've overcome.  Every time I hit this place, it is another jolt of pain of not measuring up from my childhood.  This is another piece of history that I think I've processed through...

I full well know that life evolves, as does our most painful processes.  Just when we think we're done, life hands us a lesson.  I can only deduce that it keeps me humble - keeps me grounded and aware of my life.  I have to think that what I do with it is what matters.  If I want to ruminate in it - and wallow, well life is going to be pretty miserable.  I can but go on.  The whole thing in of itself is exhausting.  I've cried a few days now, and I know that in the shedding of the tears is healing.  I have to grieve my prior life.  I cannot go backward.  Somehow I have to collectively reconvene who I am and become the woman God would have me to be.  Did I like the woman I was?  Yes, she was intelligent, confident, strong and bold.  She knew where she was going - and how to get there.  I held my head up high, and walked with purpose.  But, I crumbled.  And crumbled badly.  

I think the biggest fear is, have I forgotten all that I knew?  This is a trail of thought that haunts me.  The silliest of answers is, I'll never know until I try.  

Try I will.  This has to be my mantra.  I have to learn to let this go.  I have to apply forgiveness to myself.  I've forgiven those that don't even deserve it, but struggle so with myself.  Expectations - such a horrible word in my vocabulary.  Those that I have of myself.  The Mother in me, where I never, ever measured up - and usually didn't even get acknowledged. I have to learn how to validate myself.  So easy even in identification, however difficult for me to incorporate.  

It doesn't always help when you know what your problems are.  Nor even when you know there solutions - for there are times when it is the process by which one gets lost.  I did not have the nurturer - thus this is very foreign to me.  I can do it for others all day - but the faucet just won't turn on when it's my turn to hit the shower.  

I'm grateful I love God, but I only let Him in so far.  I'm afraid there too.  I've lost everyone that ever meant anything to me, and I don't 'go all in' easily.  It's a shame.  I'm the one that looses.  I love people dearly but do I believe they love me?  It's questionable.  Most come to me to tell me their problems an seek solutions via my advice.  I'm a trained listener... why not?  It's few an far between when I have an earnest ear.  My childhood perpetuates this... I never had a voice in my family and I pick friends  that treat me the same way -- I think it's in my DNA.   

It all is a journey and this blog is all over the place tonight.  I guess like I feel.  I know that I'll get there and become who I destined.  I'm just having a rough go of it right how.  I am a child of God and it isn't about 'feeling', it is about faith.  There two different things.  I had another answer to a prayer last night with a young woman at church.  I had a chance to reach out to someone - and I did.  It felt really good.  She did not realize I needed her as much as she needed me.  Life is hard for me at times, I'm alone with my thoughts a lot.  Too much perhaps.  It is only temporary though I know.  God has wonderful things in store for me.  I am guilty of limiting God.  I know full well He is capable of the miraculous.  It's just this journey right now that is daunting.  These holidays without my Dad - without a family home, and alone again for another year.  It is hard.  

Journey's can be hard.  Journey's are what we make them.  As long as we don't get stuck, and keep progressing, things always change.  Things usually get better.  I know that mine will.  I have too much going on in my life for it not to and I refuse to settle for anything else.  I believe this is the greatest part of the endeavor.  The spirit in which we handle our paths.  Some days are harder than others, but with the rising of the sun - we get a new opportunity.  In this light, we always get another chance.  

Precious Pain

I've loved someone for 16 years.  I wonder if it will ever go away.  All I have to do is hear a song.  The pain floods back, the ache fills my heart - and the query - the unending query begins again.  Where is he?  What is he doing?

 It was a pain so deep, I did not think I'd live through it.  As with love, it took me by surprise.  It swept me away.  It were as if a fairy tale took over my life.  I'd known this man for quite some time in a completely different arena.  I'd respected him greatly - albeit he'd angered me at times because of his aloofness.  What I found completely and utterly overwhelmed me - and took me to a place I don't know I'd ever been - and have not been since.  With what happened to me, I don't imagine I'll go again.  

It wasn't as if any of the pain that occurred  was purposeful for I know there was no intent.  It merely was just a thing of life.  I guess one could say, it just was not meant to be, for us.  Or perhaps, I loved him more than he loved me.  I adored him.  

Personalities sometimes do not mix.  They can fall in love - but cannot stay together.  Love does not know about nor is a respecter of personalities.  This can be a very difficult truth.  Some people fight their entire lives trying to get a relationship to work - and do not learn this.  It was crushing for me.  I recall feeling as if my heart would burst - and the pain is still intense.  I still love this man.  I know that I will not meet another like him - and I guess I have accepted this.  It does not stop it from hurting, however.  

We build dreams in our heads.  We all do it.  When things don't work out, the dream must die.  It is in the dying of the dream, that the pain overtakes us.  Our minds must assimilate to the new reality.  Thus, the pain.  The loss.  All of our plans and designs, just die.  Had I seen myself in all kinds of realities with this man?  Of course.  I suppose that is what make the pain live on - and at times have a life of its own.  It is a keeper of the flame.  I suppose too, there is a part of me that doesn't want it to completely go out.  It was the love affair of a lifetime, one I'll never forget.  Parts of it, keep me alive.  It is in the knowing that love is possible, and on the level that I experienced it.  The devastating part is even when I have it again, will I compare?  This I do not know.  I would imagine on some level, I will.  

I am hopeful - for I know that I've grown as a woman.  Pain always brings growth.  Especially this kind of deep, immense pain.  Some would call it a rebirth of sorts.  We cannot but come out of it new souls.  The change is from the inside out.  From the birth of a dream, to its death.  It is a grief only the  person is still alive.  We have to somehow make peace with our feelings.  We have to succumb  to the idea and belief that feelings are just part of being human.  They are part of the process.  Feelings let us know that we are alive.  The more difficult ones, well take time and patience with ourselves - and gentleness.  

The days I struggle with this are surely very few now - but it is still there.  I do honor the time I had with him.  My memory is very vivid.  I don' think anyone could have had the love story we had, and ever forget.  I wonder now as I write if it was meant to be a turning point in my life - a transformation of sorts.  That's what it ended up being.  It catapulted me from one position in  my life to another.  God works in mysterious ways, His wonders never cease, I have lived this.  He doesn't promise life without pain, or answers to prayers via all sunshine and rainbows.  I know unequivocally that things happen for reasons.  I don't believe in 'random' anything.  The difficulty lies in our only knowing a small portion of God's wonders in our lives.  If only the whole picture were in view.  We probably couldn't handle it....   However, I am today aware of pain and its process.  Life and its mystery.  Love and its challenges.  Life and its destinies.  We don't always get what we want, nor what we think is good for us.  This is a difficult truth.  One today, I must accept.  Acceptance is always a good place.    

Melissa Etheridge - precious pain LYRICS

Inner struggles

I've been searching for quite sometime now.  I was crying in my car today - not sure if it was the full moon - or just more of the inner turmoil that I've been going through.  You see, I'm trying to find my purpose again.  I thought at one time in my life, I'd found it.  I felt like on  Maslow's hierarchy of need's, I was at the top. I thought I had reached self- actualization.  I set forth to achieve a goal, and I completed it, with flying colors.  I'd found my calling.  For seven years, I flew.  Not without difficulties at times, but overall, I knew that I was where I was supposed to be, and doing what I was born to do.  This was until the pain began.  Everything changed when the pain began.

Needless, I suppose to say - I blew it.  I could not handle prescription pain killers.  In all actuality - they handled me.  I lost everything, everything... and then some.  I was so numb, I told myself I did not care - but deep down inside, I was dying.  

I proceeded to do as most addicts do, and part of  me died.  

This was now, some twelve years ago.  It's taken me that long to try and get myself out of the insanity's grip.  I now want my life back.  I still have a great deal of healing to do -- and I am in process.  Process is difficult.  I still have all the desires that I once had, an I have the same mind.  Well, most days.  With exception to the part that still remembers how badly I failed.  I suppose it is like this with many people, but others at times, believe more in me than I do in myself.  If only I could muster the confidence that I once had...  

Therein lies the struggle.  I used to be so confident in my skills.  The past has a way of eating at one's faith in oneself.  I wish I knew the key in eradicating this.  The fear that it conjures up is very distasteful.  It is not as it once was, for it was debilitating.  I am proud of myself that I've come this far -- yet I still have so far to go.  Therein lies faith.  I am a very spiritual person, or at least I profess to be.  Yet there are certain things that cause  my faith to falter.  This issue is one of them.  It is very odd, because I know that God can do all things.  It has to do with me, where the problem lies.  Will He do it for me?  I don't know for certain where this doubt comes.  I've seen many a storm in my life, and lived through them all.  Lived through them, and learned from it - and came out a much stronger woman.  I can see my Lord all over it.  I do not know if this is human weakness that causes me to feel this fear and doubt?  I do not understand it.  

I had a break through today.  I stepped up to a plate that I've been wanting to.  I do not know where the road will lead, but I took the first step.  I know that my qualifications are there, it has just been so long since I've functioned in my element.  I'm hoping that it will be - to coin a phrase - like riding a bike...  I hope that everything will come back to me.  

I've been given projects where I currently volunteer - that require me to utilize my skills.  This is pushing me, propelling me forward.  It is really a God send.  It will force me to think along the lines of my skills.  I need this.  I really need it.  It literally is an answer to many prayers.  The first thing out of my mind is "don't screw this up!"  Indeed, I'm hard on myself.  If you'd had my Mother - you would be as well.  I would like to learn how to stop this.  I did not used to do this.  How one combats past truths, inner struggles, faltering faith - and fear... well, I'm learning.  Baby steps, I suppose.  It is as if I have polar opposites inside of me.  I wonder if I am alone in this?  I'll forge on, but the tasks ahead will be enlightening, at best.  I say this with positivity.   I am a very grateful person - and generally full of hope.  This is why I struggle when the negativity starts.  

I do know that if God is pointing me in this direction, then it is right.  I will take the challenge with a good heart and mind.  I'll give it everything that I've got.  I'll tell myself I can do it, whether I fully believe it or not.  I will go forward humbly - and with integrity.  This is who my Father taught me to be, and who my heavenly Father would want me to be.  I honor the journey... where ever it leads and pray for God's will.  His will is always my wish.  I had a prayer answered today.   A heartfelt prayer.  I am humbled and grateful - albeit I'm a little bit afraid.  I guess I wouldn't be human if after all of this time out of the work force -- I have to start over.  I do believe that once we make a decision to take  a direction that the universe gets behind us.  God is my universe.  He created it.  He hung the stars and the moon - and He knows what is best for me.  If He believes in me, perhaps it is time that I started believing in myself.  Move past the past, and embrace the present.  I know that's where He lives.  

We all have storms.  Some last lifetimes.  I'm thankful that mine did not.  God didn't let me suffer my entire life.  Now I've got to get busy with the banishment of this fear.  The only way I know is by doing it anyway.  Eleanor Roosevelt said it best, "we  must do the thing we think we cannot do." I guess that means, me too.    

Pondering life without devices

We have many devices - most for communications sake, yet few of us speak to each other.  I find this disheartening.  I find it more and more difficult that the more machines we create, the further and further we get from being close nit humans.  Of course we're close (most people) with our families and few friends ... but we hide behind these 'things.'  They've become our discomfort protectors.  There often even rude and annoying.  I've even sensed peoples fear behind their devices.  These things are our disconnect from society.  

If I were to be able to go back in time, I'd go back to when people helped each other - and communities rallied together in difficult times.  Not just during a huge catastrophe.  I am a communicator by nature - and if I don't talk to people -- I get weird.  Yes, I said "weird."  I believe this is part of the worlds problems.  We walk around acting like others don't exist.  When someone can lie hurt on a sidewalk, and no one stops to see about them - just walks on by ... what has happened to mankind?  Where oh where has our sense of community, our hearts, our basic human nature of kindness - caring gone?  We all know that these kinds of things happen - and we know that people judge the homeless.  Everybody judges.   On some level, try and not do it!  It's like trying to not see a pink polka dotted giraffe now that I've mentioned it.  

What happened, and when did we begin to become so afraid of each other?  I'd like someone to answer that for me.  Who instilled this fear?  Who keeps perpetuating it?  Has anyone thought about these electronic devices, and why we're so tied to them?  And why there being manufactured at such an alarming rate?  How long will it be until humans no longer go outside, never entering an office, nor do anything but function with a machine?  I wonder how many years this is away?  

I enjoy people.  I used to listen to people, and give feedback for a living.  I gave lectures - I taught.  I worked with humans on multiple levels.  I don't recall ever actually being afraid, and I worked in a prison.  Perhaps I'm gullible... but I just did not sense danger when dealing with humans.  Not that there isn't danger out there, because I know that there is.  I did not say I've never experienced it.  But, for the sake of this  particular writing I'm going to give people the benefit of the doubt.  

I wonder what would happen if for one day all of our toys quit working?  If we had to actually ask for what we needed, face to face?  I wonder.  I wonder if we'd start to help each other, or be kinder?  Or if we'd see that neighbor, we've never acknowledged because or faces are stuffed in our phones.  I wonder if we'd strike up a conversation with the elderly lady on the street corner that hasn't talked to anyone in a week.  I just wonder if we might find an opportunity to stop and help someone in need that we otherwise wouldn't even notice.  

I guess I wonder lots of things.  I hope this makes you wonder too.  Perhaps you'll speak to your neighbor.  Perhaps you'll smile at the elderly woman at the crosswalk, or say hello.  We've got to get back to being mankind again or we're never going to flourish as a society.  The further we go toward separateness the farther we are towards destruction of our country - and that is just my opinion.  No wonder depression and suicide is so high.  God did not create just one man to live out life alone.  We are supposed to do this thing together.  

learning, change and it's gift.

Change is a gift.  This is what I believe.  I won't say that it comes without a price.  Change is usually painful, and most humans resist it.  I like to sit back in my mind's eye and observe it.  I like to observe my mind.  It gives you greater mental and emotional control over your life.  It does not stop change - but it can alter your reactions to it.  

Live evolves.  This is a great truth.  There is absolutely nothing we can do about it.  If one tries, they hinder themselves.  Greatly.  We become void and lifeless.  I have someone that I love dearly now, that is using alcohol to numb himself to the fact that he refuses to change. He professes that he does not know how - and perhaps this is a truth -- for if a person does not have coping skills, this can  present a great mental rift.  Yet many have even told him which direction to take - he just chooses not to take a step.  I have tried every thing I know to persuade him, yet he will make no choices.  This is his prerogative. 

We all have choices, we make choices every single day.  Sometimes we make choices and do not even realize it.  Not choosing is a choice.  Not everyone sees this however.  

Changing is our power as humans.  It is our gift of life.  Even though at times, and often it comes through intense pain.  This is our catalyst.  Pay attention to it.  Grieve what you've lost, learn your lesson.  Be grateful for what you still have.  Pull your resources.  Know that in your deepest sorrow, we are not alone.  Walk through the pain, and don't let it defeat you.  You are stronger than you ever realize.  Look to the past and what you've been through.  If you believe in God, pray.  

Sometimes it is hard to see through to the end when the pain is intense, when you've lost a lover, or a loved one.  All of these things bring change.  Job loss, car accidents, losses of pets, moves, all such things and even positive things can force us into the throws of change.  We may have to relocate, learn how to do new things... it can be positive change.  It makes our minds stretch.  This is always a good thing.  Anytime we 'grow' or expand our minds, it is a positive experience.  I see it as a gift.  We are adaptable.  We are more adaptable than we really comprehend.  

I find that when I see life through eyes of gratitude, and as a pleasure to live, even life's trials aren't as hard.  When I see change as a gift - it makes the hard part of it less difficult.  We cannot stay the same.  Even the earth turns.  You will work twice as hard staying the same, that ever trying to change and seeing it as a gift?  Well I just believe that this make is an easier undertaking.  Pain will end eventually.  It always does.  I know because I've been through enough of it.  All storms will end.  The sun will rise again, the birds know it and sing before it's rise.  It's God's promise to us.  Just  like the rainbow.  

Life brings change, change brings life.  It is a gift to really live - therein lies the gift of change.