Wednesday, November 14, 2012
My mind. It just does not work at times. I have entire years that I cannot remember. It makes me feel subhuman. I can really do a number on myself when I think about it a great deal. I even have times when I cannot remember the persons name of which I'm working with. It seems that this is something new for me - this brain freeze that I'm experiencing. I don't like it much. How could anyone like it when your own brain fails you?
I search for answers as to what to do. I've had advice from professionals - "keep notes, keep a journal," - and I think 'I'm only 50 years old!' How is it that this has happened to me at this age?! Yet, even as I ask this question, I know it's answer. Surgeries, medication, and trauma.
Now, my quest is what do I do with what I have? Knowing myself, and I do know myself - after all the pondering, and pontification I will have to find a solution. This is affecting me greatly as I try and reenter the working world. Reentry is not an easy thing, not nearly as easy as I thought it would be. I'm strong, and courageous - but when the brain fails, wow, what do we have? I know that beating myself up with out mercy isn't the solution - I've done this all my life. I've had to learn as an adult how to nurture. It wasn't taught to me, nor did I receive it as a child. I did not have the "Mommy make it better," kind of mother. I had the "how could you be so stupid?", kind. So I've had to learn how to be gentle with myself. This was a very hard journey in of itself. Yet, I must persevere.
With me if I know the cause, I can find a solution. I'm facing old fears as well in my current position. I'm reentering the work force even though it isn't a paid position. I'm doing things just as if they are paid and we all have hopes that one day I'll have a paid position. Perhaps knowing this, I place myself under pressure too. Mine in a direct link with perfectionism as well. I simply expect a great deal of myself. Yet I ask myself, if I do not, who will? As one can see, my mind is really a battleground.
I don't think that our minds are meant to be a field of battle. I do not want mine to be. I want and desire to be a peace with my inner world. As peculiar as this is, it takes discipline. There is always a direct dialogue between the ego and what I call 'my right mind'. The seat of the soul. The gentle Gina. I had a endeared friend tell me one time, "would you treat your best friend like that?", and my answer was of course, 'no'. I gleaned a great deal from that. Why would I treat myself in manner that I would not treat my friend? This illuminated a lot for me. We have to learn how to be kind to ourselves. I don't think it comes natural. I think we have parasites in our minds. If you've read any of Don Miguel Ruiz's books - you know what I'm speaking of. We have parasites that eat away at our spirits. We got them from our parents, and they from theirs. I work daily to kill mine. I want to see the world as a loving place. This is what I choose. This is what I put into it. Naive? Perhaps - but I'm much happier.
I believe my mind will get better when I trust it. I believe my mind will function when I lighten up on myself. I've done everything else, ranted, raved, cried. Now is the time to let the healing begin. I cannot change what is. I've had somewhere in the neighbor hood of 17 surgeries. I am a disabled person who chooses to keep going in life. I have quirks. People love me anyway. It is I that must learn to love myself, quirks and all. I don't want to have to carry around a book of my life. However, some people do - if it comes to this - I will have to learn how to not let it define me. I already walk funny because of my back, and I cannot stand up straight. I suppose, notebook in hand would not be that much of a determent. If it means that I stop putting so much pressure upon myself, then perhaps that is what I have to do. I still may never get the years back that I've lost.
I find in life, everything boils down to acceptance. Acceptance as well as balance - with gentleness and compassion, are the ways I try and live my life. I do this for others, but it is much harder for me to do this for myself - which is a sad fact. I will forge on. I will be kinder to myself today. I will give myself the benefit of the doubt. I will be the mother I never had. Perhaps when the hammer is removed, the neurons will fire.