Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Brain Fog

My mind.  It just does not work at times.  I have entire years that I cannot remember.  It makes me feel subhuman.  I can really do a number on myself when I think about it a great deal.  I even have times when I cannot remember the persons name of which I'm working with.  It seems that this is something new for me - this brain freeze that I'm experiencing.  I don't like it much.  How could anyone like it when your own brain fails you?  

I search for answers as to what to do.  I've had advice from professionals - "keep notes, keep a journal," - and I think 'I'm only 50 years old!'  How is it that this has happened to me at this age?!  Yet, even as I ask this question, I know it's answer.  Surgeries, medication, and trauma.  

Now, my quest is what do I do with what I have?  Knowing myself, and I do know myself - after all the pondering, and pontification I will have to find a solution.  This is affecting me greatly as I try and reenter the working world.  Reentry is not an easy thing, not nearly as easy as I thought it would be.  I'm strong, and courageous - but when the brain fails, wow, what do we have?  I know that beating myself up with out mercy isn't the solution - I've done this all my life.  I've had to learn as an adult how to nurture.  It wasn't taught to me, nor did I receive it as a child.  I did not have the "Mommy make it better," kind of mother.  I had the "how could you be so stupid?", kind.  So I've had to learn how to be gentle with myself.  This was a very hard journey in of itself.  Yet, I must persevere.  

With me if I know the cause, I can find a solution.  I'm facing old fears as well in my current position.  I'm reentering the work force even though it isn't a paid position.  I'm doing things just as if they are paid and we all have hopes that one day I'll have a paid position.  Perhaps knowing this, I place myself under pressure too.  Mine in a direct link with perfectionism as well.  I simply expect a great deal of myself.  Yet I ask myself, if I do not, who will?  As one can see, my mind is really a battleground.  

I don't think that our minds are meant to be a field of battle.  I do not want mine to be.  I want and desire to be a peace with my inner world.  As peculiar as this is, it takes discipline.  There is always a direct dialogue between the ego and what I call 'my right mind'.  The seat of the soul.  The gentle Gina. I had a endeared friend tell me one time, "would you treat your best friend like that?", and my answer was of course, 'no'.   I gleaned a great deal from that.  Why would I treat myself in manner that I would not treat my friend?  This illuminated a lot for me.  We have to learn how to be kind to ourselves.  I don't think it comes natural.  I think we have parasites in our minds.  If you've read any of Don Miguel Ruiz's books - you know what I'm speaking of.  We have parasites that eat away at our spirits.  We got them from our parents, and they from theirs.  I work daily to kill mine.  I want to see the world as  a loving place.  This is what I choose.  This is what I put into it.  Naive?  Perhaps - but I'm much happier.  

I believe my mind will get better when I trust it.  I believe my mind will function when I lighten up on myself.  I've done everything else, ranted, raved, cried.  Now is the time to let the healing begin.  I cannot change what is.   I've had somewhere in the neighbor hood of 17 surgeries.  I am a disabled person who chooses to keep going in life.  I have quirks.  People love me anyway.  It is I that must learn to love myself, quirks and all.  I don't want to have to carry around a book of my life.  However, some people do - if it comes to this - I will have to learn how to not let it define me.  I already walk funny because of my back, and I cannot stand up straight.  I suppose, notebook in hand would not be that much of a determent.  If it means that I stop putting so much pressure upon myself, then perhaps that is what I have to do.  I still may never get the years back that I've lost.  

I find in life, everything boils down to acceptance.  Acceptance as well as balance - with gentleness and compassion, are the ways I try and live my life.  I do this for others, but it is  much harder for me to do this for myself - which is a sad fact.  I will forge on.  I will be kinder to myself today.  I will give myself the benefit of the doubt.  I will be the mother I never had.  Perhaps when the hammer is removed, the neurons will fire.  

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