Today is a much more productive day. The neurons are firing at a much better rate. I wonder sometimes how it is and wish I had studied the brain more - to know the seat of motivation. When one lives alone, there is no one to hold them accountable but themselves. I have an automatic pilot mind... with an auto save button inside. Not so much with repetitive thought - but more with a "pushing" brain. "Do this, do that," murmurs my mind. I oft think that it is my Mother that lives in my head. The times when I pushed that huge vacuum when I was four years old. Who cares if my floors are clean? Well, in all actuality - I guess I do.
The human mind is a miraculous thing. I've been on a weird tract lately and I have let my apartment go a bit. I've been pouring every ounce of energy that I have into my volunteer work. When I come home, I'm exhausted. It's a good exhaustion. I've now a little title in my life, Enterprising Specialist Manager - which I suppose includes a little bit of everything - from cooking to crafts. It all began with motivation. I was motivated to help someone. I signed up to be a mentor. It did not turn out the way I thought - but I will follow it through, because this is who I am. When I sign up, I finish the task. At least I try to do what I've set out to do. This is something that my Father taught me, amongst many other things.
My Father passed away over two years ago. His memory and how he lived his life, motivate me to do many things. However it is, the life that we lead when we leave here -- I want him to be pleased with what he see's in mine. I've lead a challenging life, at best. I've not always made the best decisions. I've reaped some hard lessons. I must say however, they've molded me into a woman that I am proud to say, I like. I live everyday according to my values. My Father instilled in me, great and wonderful things. Things of accomplishment, and belief, honor and dignity. He was a treasured man. A quite positive, lively man. There was rarely a time when he did not have something good to say about someone. He was a valuable friend. He was my best and closest friend.
Perhaps it is his voice I hear? His spirit that keeps me going. I'd rather think of it this way, that to think of it as the army voice of my mother! There is always that chance that it is a blending of the two. My Mother has softened in her age - and we have reconciled our relationship as many mother and daughters do in later age. Loosing my Father, changed her quite drastically - as it did us all. Death has a way of making one respect life more and the people you love in it. This is what is has done for me -- just a measure of the ways loosing my father has changed my life.
Motivation I suppose can come from all sorts of directions - internally and external. Most of the inspiration that I find comes from inside. My love of God, as well as life - push me to challenge myself. I know that if I do not - unfortunately there isn't anyone in my life that will push me if I don't right now. I often say that "life isn't a dressed rehearsal." I didn't make it up, but I say it... I suppose we do today what we can, or loose the moment. Today is clean the apartment day, and I know that I will feel a sense of accomplishment when I'm done. No one will salute me, but I get to walk around barefooted and my floors will be clean. It's a small accomplishment to most but with chronic pain - it's huge somedays. Today it's pretty big. I fight on. The pain will not defeat me.