Thursday, November 22, 2012

Random Thoughts on resentments.....


I realize it's Thanksgiving - but a post on Facebook has me and my mind all over the place.  It has to do with blood money - and I'm struggling to feel gratitude this morning.  I always have an undercurrent of of it, it is just who I am - but this morn, I struggle not to feel resentment.  We all know that feeling...  

I'm trying to figure how to eradicate it from my being. I am not a grudge holding type of person.  However, when a being has been hurt so deeply - the rip in one's spirit is hard to deny.  I have a psychopath for a brother. I'm being completely serious.  He has financially raped my family from three deaths.  The essence of this that leads me to know (besides his being labeled by a psychiatrist of mine) is that he believes it has been his complete right to do what he has done.  He thinks he is far superior to other humans.  He thinks nothing of acquiring blood money.  He is a pathological liar - and is very proficient at projecting his pathology upon me.  I simply cannot and will not be in proximity of him.  My internal sense of justice infuriates him.  He has threatened to kill me on at least one occasion and I believe if circumstances were as such, he would.  

Now these are not thoughts one wants to have on Thanksgiving.... but what is a person to do one this day with this in their head?  

I suppose it is a matter of leaning towards our higher beings.  Realizing that I am not the ultimate justice keeper.  There has to be a balance in life.  I have to let it go, because it is not serving me.  I have to live my life without this horrible weight.  I must release it, sometimes several times a day.  Justice is a difficult thing - we want it when we want it.  I've prayed about it and therein comes the faith.  This is what makes me christian.  Faith.  It is tested, and tested hard at times.  This one is very difficult for me.  I cannot be the person that I proclaim to be by wishing someone else's life crumble - and go around professing 'Karma.'  This isn't congruent with who I am and strive to be.  My faith says 'love your enemies' - and this is the hardest one.  Jesus turned his face as to let them smite the other cheek - if they so wished.  I don't know if I have that kind of heart - but I am mindful.  

So, I find that there is justice in this world, it may not be what I'd like, but I have to find respite in it.  I know that my Lord reigns supreme.  My job - and this is only my job - to be the closest version of Christ that I can be.  Psychopathic brothers or not.  His reality is his, and somehow I have to let it be his.  Even if he is spending my money.  God will bless me as he see's fit.  I cannot do anything about it without causing myself harm.  I don't believe that is what God would have me do.  I'll go and see my Mom in the nursing home, and eat dinner with her - and keep my peace.  You cannot put a price on peace.  Regardless of who has the tag.   

Happy Thanksgiving - may you have no resentments!!! 

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