I've had a grand day. I got to go in and volunteer today. The day started out with my pain level at about an 8, which is/was very difficult to bare. I had my scheduled appointment at the clinic - and made some adjustments and I feel much better. I am grateful. Grateful, indeed.
I struggle with my life, when pain is at the forefront. It over takes my every thought. This is a difficult way to live, and few persons understand it. As hard as I try to push it as far from my consciousness -- sitting, standing, almost any activity is preoccupied with it. Pain seems to take on, a life of its own.
I don't like talking about it, and I abhor it's every pulse. It interrupted my sleep last evening - which precipitates itself, and makes one's waking hours belabored. Life is not supposed to be this way. Yet, my life has been, in one shape or fashion - like this for many years now.
I find ways to keep on going, and I find courage. Some days, it has to come from a depth that I don't even quite know where is. It is a sort of mental gymnastic that I play with myself from the trip to the shower to the finishing of my make up. To most folks, showers aren't a chore - but many days, they are for me. I do fine once I've started and I know that water is transformative. It will spring forth life I did not have prior to it's flow. Today was one of those days. I'd been asked a favor, and I got up and ready for this reason - and my appointment.
Depression is another battle, one these last few days that has been difficult at best. Thus far, I've been winning. I don't know how - I suppose I just don't listen to my own mind. I did rest yesterday - but when the pain levels get so high, I have little choice.
Persons that don't struggle with either of these issues have no idea. I kind of envy them, but I know that my maladies make me who I am. As I know that I had to ask for help today -- and make some changes in order to begin to feel better. Our voices, and our choices set the direction of our lives. I refuse to be a victim of my life, because I do not honor my choices. God gave me this mind, and this voice to use; I will be the catalyst of my own destiny. I will not let my circumstances get the best of me. I must keep on pushing for a happy life - pain or not.
In my pursuit, I was asked to lunch by two treasured people - and started a new project. It would not seem like much to some, however, it will be great when it is complete. I'm decorating an 8 ft Christmas tree for our ballroom. These are the kinds of things that I think are a bonus- the kinds of things that I love. I get to "create." When I am finished, the ballroom with have a bit of GIna in it.
I suppose life is about leaving your mark where you can, when you can, whether or not it be in someone's mind or heart. I suppose I prefer in to be in their hearts, for I am a heart person. God has led me to this group of people, whom I think are just the grandest of folks. People persons - in all the right manners as well as matters. The establishment is fantastic as well. I am honored to be a part of it and what it stands for. It is enough to keep me pushing, stretching and challenging myself to keep fighting those things that would just love to have me do absolutely nothing, most days. My mind tries to betray me all the time. It tells me things that just aren't true. That is what depression does, it lies to you, and lies well.
Today, I fought and won. Another battle behind me. I find solace in that. As I go through these battles, however large or small - each one makes me stronger. I become more of the woman that I know I am. Proof is alway in the doing. I did today, and I'll do tomorrow. Today is evidence that I can.