Showing posts from 2017

High Anxiety....

I've been quite anxious lately, all the while, fully knowing that anxiety is: wishing or hoping that the present moment be something that it is, or cannot be.  It's almost like a wish.  It's acquiescence in reverse.  When we don't accept where we are, what we are, what this present moment brings -- it produces anxiety.  I've not been able to sleep really - all because of my inability to process or let go of what my mental processes are.  It's is amazing to me how much power we give our minds.

Most folks don't understand that "blind" thought is just that --- blind thought.  It cannot in absolute be trusted.  They are just thoughts.  It Does NOT make it reality.   I have at different times in my life, shared this with people and gotten looks from them, that would really amaze you.  I suppose although fairly simple the concept it seems to me, this isn't information that everyone has.  Our thoughts are random.  What generates them is from our be…

Facing Fear

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot do."

I quite like this quote, and I admire Eleanor Roosevelt.  I have faced many a fear in my life - I've taught myself how to navigate major cities by myself on three separate occasions.  Well, me and God.  I certainly prayed my way through and was quite certainly terrified.  I had all of my worst fears come to fruition in one day in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in a blinding snow storm.  I was lost, my windshield wipers stopped working, I went UP and OFF ramp - and my car died.  It still didn't kill me.  : )  I was, however - emotionally exhausted when I got home, but thankful.  

Life is odd.  Our development in it is peculiar as well.  Our emotional states ebb and flow.  We can be at what seems like our mountain top at one time in our lives and virtually feel as if we're sinking at another point.  I am struggli…

Facing Darkness, Finding Hope

I was just released from the hospital last evening.  Depression had it's way with me, despite my greatest fight.  Sometimes even those of us that seem to have stellar hope, and strong faith - have to admit we've met a challenge we cannot surmount.  I'd been wrangling with the hope fight for a few weeks.  Oft times, as we gain in the process towards healing - we can have a backlash of pure fear.  This was the case for me.  Despite my best effort, the mental and emotional barrage got the best of me.  I just kept coming up empty in my attempts to see through - the finances, the courage that was needed to do what was being asked of me, and my internal dialogue.

Going into a mental "locked" institution is truly a shock to your psyche.  You are stripped of each and everything that makes you, you.  An I mean ---- stripped.  You have no awareness of time -- other than when meals are served, or groups are held, unless you go to the nurses station.  I was taken off all o…

Quintessential Change

This beautiful passage found it's way to me yesterday morning.  I think we can all attest to it's rare beauty, raw authenticity, and voluptuous truth.  As for it's author, I am always, always in awe of Ms. Williamson's silken profundity.  Her words like velvet to the mind.  Her heart, always open, sharing her uttermost being with integrity and genuine risk.  Her universal voice speaks with love of and to mankind, with miracles in mind.  Her message, although not arduous, is that of love - period.  I've read four of her books, and adored each and every one.  Most I've read more than once, and have given them as gifts to treasured friends.  "The Gift of Change" - being the first, and, "A Return to Love", and also, "Illuminata - A Return to Prayer".  I would encourage anyone to read any of these publications, they are illuminating.

I had my session with Doc  - and I've been in rapid change cycles for the last two weeks. The mess…

Pray When it Hurts the Most.

It's been a little while since I've written.  Much has transpired.  There is just no way that I can communicate everything - but I will certainly attempt to hit the high points... and those things that have been most meaningful for me.  I do this in hopes that I can impart something of value to you...through my experience.  This is my prayer.

I've still been in a deep place of what feels like a devastating "draught", a lack of human companionship up until these last few days.  Despite my attempting to initiate some volunteer opportunities, other than those that are paid to interact with me, I have had little contact with people.  I have been to a few places, the V.A., the library, and a nursing home close to me - in hopes of obtaining a volunteer position, with no luck.  I did get a response from the nursing home, but I got sick and couldn't go - and of course I felt bad, and didn't go back.  I need to reconnect with the woman that I saw, because there…

To the Table

Zach Williams "To the Table"

I"m really down today - I'm not sure why - having a hard time just getting around, but as I do - God's music motivates me.  I really wanted to share this one with all of you.  Zach has really impacted me these last few months.  As I've struggled, in my christianity - and my addiction, feelings of worthiness - and my attempts to feel whole.  I think we all grapple with wanting to be "normal" what ever that really is.  But for me, the days --- not much unlike today, when I crawl out of bed and I'm in so much pain that my only motivating thoughts are to "get meds"... it doesn't make for a real great day.  It has me feeling weak, dependent, and small.  When I allow myself to ponder all of the physical things that I am battling, depression really sets in.  I have to fight it with every breath.

I do have to work harder than the average person to motivate myself to do most things.  Even to do something as s…

I'm here.....and full of words.

Hello friends.  Much has transpired since I last wrote.  I will not bore you with the plethora of details - just know, it got much worse before my life got better.  However...the main thing that I want to communicate to you now is that it has gotten better --- SO much better.  Just a few details, I relapsed on chemicals (chemicals that I thought I'd never touch) after crossing paths with some pretty dysfunctional characters --- due to the depths of my loneliness.  Loneliness is and can be devastating - and it can truly propel you to make choices that you would not otherwise make, if your circumstances weren't as they are.  My shopping continued for some time, despite the absence of my cards - (they were programmed into my computer) and until I ripped the modem out - I literally could not stop.  I still shopped on my phone some despite horrible financial consequences.  I was really in a deep, dark, nasty place.  Returning to the use of drugs was really my wake up call - for if …