I believe in miracles. The majority of those that read my writing know this - but if anyone happens to stumble across this and is new -- this is a true statement - for me. I've witnessed several in my lifetime. I just recently went through a seriously mentally and emotionally taxing ordeal with little sleep, as well as a gross miscommunication with someone who is dear to me. I did not think that the period of insomnia would ever end, I was unable to sleep more than two hours per night for a horrifying two weeks. I felt myself slipping into an odd mental and emotional state, one that I certainly did not like. I had had a severely confusing interaction with my psychologist - partially brought on by communications from an outside source. It was horrible going through this with no real rest, increased pain levels due to lack of sleep, and inability to clarify information with Doc until my appointment time. I went an entire seven days - in the confused, unclear, and misunderstood communication headspace. I'll say, it took its toll on me. I felt the ramifications physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have an enormous amount of respect and admiration for my Doctor - he has helped me find answers to questions that I have had my entire life. Therefore, being in this crux with him was considerably unsettling. My blood pressure was high, I experienced headaches and high anxiety.
Communication. Such an easy word to roll off the tongue. So multi-faceted. How important it is in our lives, and how little attention we give it. How bad things can get when it breaks down. How many ways it can go awry. This is what happened to me, and it was actually relatively a simple miscommunication, yet it completely riveted my life. We rarely think of the ramifications of miscommunication until it damages our lives. Until one feels its impact, there's little concern, there's little thought conceptually - of how much our lives are hung on whether or not communication works.
Perception is another concept that we give very little mental energy. Yet, how we see our world completely colors our lives. We often look through eyes of fear due to unresolved matters and it clouds everything we do. This flavors every interaction we have, every thought we process, every decision we make. How we view our world has everything to do with how we interact with it. If we expect it to be hostile, we'll get what we expect. Life just works that way -- because it's what we'll see. It's the same concept as expecting positive experiences - what we look for is generally what we encounter. Our thinking and our perception set us up to receive what we long for. Perceptions in life albeit positive or negative -- are essential.
Perceptions can be changed, however. If one will allow new information or new insight into mind. There can often be a simple shift in thinking - to a mind-blowing intervention. Perceptional shifts are awesome and can be so enlightening -- bringing a whole new and freshness to life. It often feels like a springtime breeze of the mind, an awareness that is on another level. It takes courage often and it takes an openness to learn. Growth spurts usually involve a little fear mixed in with vulnerability.
My adventures over the last two months have been taxing. Between finding out that my medication has aided in my compulsiveness -- of which has been owned by me and added to my list of defects despite the medications known side effects, has been enlightening. However, I actually feel better knowing that the medication aided me in this horrifying shopping nightmare that I have been in. I've known in my heart of hearts that I didn't use to be like this. I wasn't always compulsive! I used to be really great with my finances - and could live off of nothing in college. I have really felt like I was out of control and literally did not know how it happened. Well, I guess now I know --- I had help. This medication helped push me over that edge into being unable to control that irresistible urge. So this particular part of my life feels much better and I'm actually coming off the medication and doing much better behaviorally.
I've since gone back to church at Midland. There's a new preacher now. I like him. I'm excited to get back into church life again. I have missed church a lot.
After the miscommunication from last week that was so devastating for me, I am so filled with gratitude for my psychologist. I was a wreck by the time I got to see him. Not being able to sleep, thinking obsessively, and expecting the worst - really had me reeling. I was just electric with nerves by the time my appointment came, even though I had been with Doc over a year, I was quite afraid. I knew that I had to clarify the situation and straighten things out and try to find some sort of peace. I just wasn't sure how I was going to do this. Thank goodness, I just reached the place in my life where I can surrender and give it all to God when I completely am powerless. I prayed a lot, surrendered, and asked the Holy Spirit to intercede for me. I was so upset that I just didn't know if I could handle it. So, I let God do it.
That was the miracle.
Everything went beautifully. All of the issues that needed to be addressed were - and then some. What was so awesome was that I really sensed that the Holy Spirit was with me. It was one of the best sessions that we've had. I left that appointment feeling better than I've ever felt. I truly felt clean inside. That may not make sense to some of you - but it will to others. When you come from a shame-based family--- clean is the last thing you feel inside. Broken is what you know. Damaged is what you identify with. It's not that you "make mistakes" - You are one. That is what shame tells you. Shame is extremely difficult to overcome.
I've been on this journey for 25+ years folks. I'm nearing the end. I felt and believed that I can achieve it at the end of last weeks session. Shame can no longer keep it's residency here. I am not who I was.