Saturday, December 9, 2017

Love's Brutal Passage


Forgive me for quoting Eckhart again -- but it just is right where I am.

I have a great many things on my mind tonight - today has been a day of grand discovery.  Enlightenment comes with a price and I've endured its passage into an understanding with brings forth some freedom.  Oh, what I have been through.

It isn't always my first nature to do what's in my best interest.  Hell, I don't always even know what's in my best interest.  More often times than not -- I make the wrong choice -- all the while believing in my heart -- (and hoping) I'm doing the right thing.  My greatest aim I suppose one could say is to be as real with people as I know how.  Especially people that are really important to me.  Even in this attempt, I screw up.  I "miss the mark".  Sometimes horribly.  Sometimes I suffer grave consequences.   Like I just did.  You know what is so amazing about this?  I am always attempting to do the right thing.  Most of the time.  I have this self-propeller inside of me that just won't quit.  Even if I mess up for a while -- it just resets.  I get right back up and am drawn towards wholeness again.

Risks, mistakes, failure, all of this things are catalysts for change.  If we never risk, or we never fail miserably -- we never grow.  I made an awful mistake -- in an attempt trying to understand something that was happening to me, I messed up and man did I bear the consequences.  It's okay, it could have been handled better - much better - however, I have arrived where I am supposed to arrive.  Not that I had help from where I should have had help.  There is nothing like having the foundation of your very being pulled right out from underneath you. That is exactly what happened to me these last few weeks.  I was brutally separated from the axis of my mental, emotional, and psychological well-being.  Much unlike a building having its foundation ripped out - yet, it's expected to still stand.  Just like before. The bulldozer came through - with little or no warning and ripped out my foundation (judging me while doing so) and leaving the building of my life to attempt to stand in its shattered state.  Oh, I was given a tooth-pick for structure relief.  No explanations, and no contract for reconstruction.

So.  I have been living in a wrecked, demolished, collapsed, unhinged, and empty place.  There has been more shocks, more leveling, and it has been a very destitute place to reside.  When you thought your structure was built with love, trust, and acceptance -- destroyed is a difficult transition.  It is a shock that reaches the depths of your soul.  The thing is that the bulldozer could have been diverted, it could have been called off.  If only there had been some understanding and acceptance of how people heal.  The process by which they can understand, accept and grow.

Healing is one of the most beautiful things I have ever (and will ever) witness.  I and I say this with all humility - have been so divinely blessed to have witnessed the healing process - right before my very eyes.  It is of the miraculous.  It is indescribable.  The closest that I could ever get to its majesty would be if we could actually see a flower bloom.  An at that - I butcher it.  It is ineffable.  When I speak of such things, I am so filled with gratitude for the gifts that God has given me.  Those times in my life that I will cherish until the day that I die.  But there is also in me, a healing place.  A place that is yet so wounded.  So wounded because of the brutality of these last few weeks.  I have been left brutally alone.  Because of a mistake, I made trying to understand.  Trying to understand something I felt that I did not fully understand in its transition.

Love is a delicate an beautiful thing.  It is often confusing and easy to misunderstand.  Love in my life has always had an equal and a frightening slice of hatred combined.  This is what you get when you grow up with an unstable parent.  Things are NOT what they seem.  Not at all, and you'd better understand that first and foremost.  It makes it really hard to trust what you feel.  Even when you "think" you are certain.  As strong as I am now -- I still get that stuff wrong.  Especially when it comes to love.  If anything will confuse me, it's love.  I am actually kind of afraid of it.  If I am honest.  Taking risks in that arena - is paramount for me.  I don't do it very often.  It's quite rare.

What I have discovered is that for love to exist several elements have to be present.  If a person is so inclined and all of these elements are in place- if love is allowed to establish itself safely, to be built, flourish, as well as grow - it abounds.  I've been privy to such environments in my life.  Not as long as I perhaps would have liked, but we ultimately receive what we're meant.  Loving people has been a challenge in my lifetime.  As I have healed so has my ability to give and receive love.  It is still at times confusing for me and I get tangled up.  I know that it is because I feel things so deeply.  I can feel the love that others have for me, as well as the love that I have for them.

The absolute most beautiful gift that I have received up until this very moment, is the ability to love myself.  It's been bought with great pain.  There is still much pain.  But I do understand.  I understand that I had to feel it into being. Sometimes it is through loves witness that we see and learn to love ourselves.

Thank you, Father, for answered prayer.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

The Struggle of Powerlessness

Without Love, there is no change.

I love Marianne Williamson.  I've stated it many times before she has irrevocably, touched my life.  From the times that I was in St. Paul, Minnesota when I went to "A Course In Miracles" meetings and dove into her writings - I fell in love with the way she thinks. I've read four of her books I think and passed many to friends.  "The Gift of Change" is a lovely place to start if anyone is interested, I think it can be purchased fairly inexpensively on Amazon-- used - that is where I usually go for mine.  

I've prayed this prayer.  I've prayed many prayers in one of Marianne's "Illuminata" prayer books.  Her's are out of this hemisphere.  To me,  her words, are like velvet, they just must be preciousness to God's heart. I know that the experience that I have had with prayer is just beyond words.  I will tell anyone, anywhere, about prayer in my life.  God is fulfilling prayer in my life right now.  I am healing.  Know that.  Healing does not come e x e p t and ONLY through pain.  This my friends is what it is to grow.  As to my comprehension and experience with life thus far - equals making it further down the path towards wholeness.  

The truth of it all is that I'm really hurting.  More than I ever knew that I could.  I think each time we go through deep grief, I don't know but it seems to get worse.  All I know is the deeper you loved, the harder you grieve.  The depth of the loss is the recovery you have to attain.  Sometimes I get angry because I have certainly been through enough for my lifetime and then some.  I decided today - no more.  This heart is closed for business.  I'm not loving people anymore.  It's just too difficult.  This heart is officially chrome plated. 

Losing people is a natural part of life. I completely understand this, and I can mentally conceptualize it.  If only I was allowed to just stop right there.   Life would be grand!

I've shared with you guys I don't particularly (I mean who does?) enjoy the emotional pain in life.  I tried every last thing I could, to avoid it.  Sometimes I still do.  However, emotions are with us - and a part of us for reasons.  It's mostly for me, that I grew up in such high stress and powerlessness.  There was a lot of fear and uncertainty too.  There's nothing like being bombarded with all of that when you are a child with no one to turn to for love, or nurturing.  When what you get consistently are rejection and disdain.  It is impossible to form a sense of self without comfort and security.   It is maddening.  I've shared with you all before about my childhood.  I have learned how to manage my emotions to the best of my ability, the best way that I know how.  It's been a long, hard, arduous road.   I cannot even put into words my journey, it's just too much. Right now anyway.   I have faith that one day, I'll find the words, and be able to. I always have hope.  If it is meant to be for me to bring forth fruit by my sharing a message like that, the Holy Spirit will speak through me.  I have complete confidence.  

Growth takes much out of you.  And you make mistakes.  Old mistakes.  The kind that you full well know are coping skills that don't work.  I do not know what it is in me that makes me keep trying to do the same damn thing over and over when I know the result.  Yet, there I go.  I even know all of the underlying motivating factors that propel me towards these actions.  I know the damned outcome.  But what do I do?  Yep.  I truly think - or at least my pastor did that its kind of similar to something that (and please don't think I'm comparing myself (gosh) the Apostle Paul struggled with - he called it - a thorn in his side.  He struggled with being liked, just like we all do.  This particular part of his personality would lend him to make choices that didn't sit well with his heart.  Sometimes our desires and needs get conflicted along with our idea's or beliefs.  We're in a juxtaposition.  It can be torture emotionally depending on the circumstances.  

Living life in balance - and in alignment with our values, beliefs, goals, aspirations ... Can be tiring.  I know exactly why Jesus said, "My peace, I give unto you".  I'm pretty sure that is from John - not sure just where but I've read it many times - and I adore it every time.  I don't know about anyone else, but there's just no way I could make it through this without God.  I know I still don't have the relationship with Him that I want, need, or desire.  It's because of me, not Him.  See, I prayed for this pain.  When I prayed for the healing.  Because one does not come, without the other.  It's just all I know.  

God placed this individual in my life to heal me.  Because I ask Him to.  I did not know how, when, through what means, how long, or how I'd feel... I knew none of that.  However, it was a beautiful, stressful, complicated, fulfilling, -- journey.  Everything is a journey --- unless you refuse to take the turn.  I may be encountering grief, but know it's encased with emeralds and rubies.  I will emerge from the grip of this grief a changed woman.  My heart.  Be still.

Thank You, Jesus, for life.  Breath, and pain.  

With my deepest gratitude.  Eternally.


Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Grateful Even Though...

Wow- It's been awhile.  I'm not even certain where to begin.  I may or may not address the above - that is kind of a private hell.  Yet - there is such transformation that is at work in my life now - it lends me to not want to even acknowledge my suffering.  Hell, we all suffer - I seem to in life more than the average human - it summons me to ask myself if it is that I bring it upon myself?  I mean who wouldn't ask that of themselves at some point being an active, (who am I kidding), overly -  active thinker.  I can surely get myself into some quandaries sometimes.  Albeit, I  grow and I transform.  I'm growing by leaps and bounds right now --- because I"m in a great deal of emotional pain.  Pain brought on unnecessarily by a lovely male of the species.  Yes.  One of those wonderful men that (you might know the type) when a woman communicates something deeply emotional and the man just does NOTHING. And I mean zip, nada, ZILCH.  He must - like the guy before him, have broken all of his fingers?  I don't know.  It is so bizarre to me... that a human being who was designed to communicate just stops.  I mean, it just makes any normal (hell abnormal) woman - insane.  At any rate, it's produced a great deal of anguish, sleepless nights, and a tad bit of intense anger.  I'm settled down now, but I know that I'm merely seething. 

However! I have good news.  I had an interview to volunteer at a hospice organization a few weeks ago.  I began the process anyway.  Man, I would have never thought so much would be involved.  I had to have a flu shot-TB test, a drug screening, I already have had the Hepatitis C vaccinations, plus a background check!  They did a complete history on me.  I'm shocked!!  But I got the call yesterday - while I was getting my hair cut no less, I have passed everything!  We have one more meeting for policy and procedure types of stuff --- alas, I'll be ready to go! I am so excited and I wholeheartedly welcome this experience into my life.  I look so forward to the richness of this adventure.  

I think I shared in the last blog that I'm going to be changing psychologists.  I'm in a strange place.  I don't know how I feel.  Mostly numb.  I feel like not even going back to see the doc.  He has been so inconsistent - and missed so many appointments.  I guess his life is more important than our recovery.  I will never know.  I'll be glad to get switched over to the new one - and finish.  I haven't been doing my daily self-care however.   I'm sure if I really sat still and allowed it, things would not be pretty.  I've been running about quite a bit lately.  Oh, I've been talking to God - but not like I normally do.  It may very well be because I am not wanting to face the inevitable.  It gets old folks - this process of evolution.  This never-ending examination of who I am.  I don't even know how many people can even relate to that.  

I have been on a site called Quora.  It's a question and answer site.  I had met a woman there who had become a sort of pen-pal a few years back.  Now I have been answering questions of all sorts --- and it seems they like my answers.    My Gmail account is flooded with people that want me to answer their questions.  Its kind of neat --  the ones that I've answered have gotten thousands of views and what they call "upvotes".   I have enjoyed it.  Quora is teaming with queries about depression and anxiety.  People still struggle with the stigma in going to a professional for help.  I find it sad.  Maybe my voice through these questions is helping a little.  That would be cool.  I finally am beginning to feel less of a non-entity in the world.   Losing ones career feels a bit akin to falling from grace.  It is an awful transition.  One I have been trying to get past for several years now.  I know in my mind that I'm not a "human doing" and that a job doesn't make you who you are.  However, we are conditioned from such a young age to identify with things outside of ourselves - cars, houses, jobs, people --- all of these things in our minds enhance our identities.  We get in our minds that these things make us "more than" -- we are.  Like who we are isn't enough.  

This is the lifelong battle that we learn from the time that we learn the word, "mine!!" An I tell you, it is our undoing.  Thank you for that beautiful information, Meister Eckhart!  I have been reading his book "A New Earth".  It's mind-blowing.  So illuminating.  I highly recommend it to anyone.  I adore books that help you shift your perception.  For me and my life - our mental perception is everything.  That is where my title comes from.  I am a grateful person.  I know people who aren't and I struggle to be in their presence.   A spirit of entitlement is difficult for me.  I am fully aware that people look at me and think "what the hell has she got to be grateful for?"  I'm constantly in pain, I'm an addict (in multiple ways),  I'm poor, everything I have someone has given to me (pretty much) --- I've lost everything three times in my life.  But you know what?  No one can touch, alter, nor hinder my spirit.  That's mine.  It is not dependent upon anything, nor anyone else but me.  I like who I am.  Hell, I'm to the point I kinda love me.   That didn't come easily.  Nor would I trade it for the world.  It can't be bought or replaced.  I'm the only one. 

Happy Thanksgiving folks.  Stay Grateful!!!    

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Finding Freedom

"Being must be felt.  It cannot be thought."  Eckhart Tolle

Each and every one of us some point in our lives reach a particular juncture in which the elements and or circumstances have risen to a point where we can no longer continue to cope.  It seems that we've pulled every coping rabbit out of our proverbial hat --- even used some that we didn't know that we had in us-- only to find... that life has more in store for us, yet and still.  Life seems to have just asked too much of us, and our brains cannot, in all good conceptual thinking skills, accept what is taking place.  Yet we must keep going forward despite our feelings, the depth at which we are hurting, feel as if we've totally emotionally as well as mentally collapsed.

My beloved Psychologist is leaving the center where I see him on Fridays.  I just learned of this information at the end of our last session.  This news was entirely unwanted.  I was not in anyway expecting it, however, it did not shock me.  I am though, the type of person that has worked long and hard to not "react" to situations or circumstances - things have an impact on me much later.  And boy did it ever.  I felt the impact of it of course when I was alone at home by myself.  Then it absolutely began to seem that so much trauma has piled up that my life was much akin a massive multiple car crash on any given highway.  Anger, that nasty resentment, and pure pessimism erupted my being.  This is odd for not often do I feel such things but I spewed it out to a few others in my angst - and this I hardly ever do.  I knew then, I'd reached an end.

As I laid crying, I ask God for help.

This is a monumental change for me.  I have rarely thought to ask God for help when I'm deeply hurt.  I have never really understood why - I've written about it - pondered it and deeply questioned my faith.  What I have understood is that it's fairly normal for us to retreat when in pain from God.  However, under this particular weight of life, I didn't.  I think I knew it was more than I could handle.  And matter of fact - it surely is.

I needed a miracle.

I had been scooting around the apartment Sunday - I wasn't able to go to church - I fell and hurt my hip Friday night.  I had been in so much pain, I could barely get around the house.  I happened to think that Super Soul Sunday on the OWN channel was on - which I adore.  I have gained so much insight from this program and the Master Class program -- it's amazing.  I wanted to use one of the images, however, I wouldn't like to get sued.  LOL.

At any rate, Eckhart Tolle was on.  I love his work.  I only caught about half of the program, however, it was enough.  Oprah and he were discussing his book "A New Earth".  I was so excited because I have this book.  Now, I am not advocating every concept that is in this book.  There are concepts that I will adhere to, and those I will not.  We learn in life to take what is needed and leave the rest.  It is a great lesson in life.  Now some will accept and some will not.  Some folks will be willing to take in new information, and others will not.  This is life - and how we perceive it.

So, I started reading... I have been trying to decipher in my mind how I can explain this in a nutshell.  What I discovered is that particularly pertaining to my Therapist, he is not mine.  He never was.  The moment we see something as ours - we identify with it.  It becomes a part of our identity.  It "enhances" our being, so to speak.  Now, this can be a car, a house, or a job.  From infancy - we are taught - "me", "mine",  and so forth, about things.  Just let someone take those things from us.  See what happens.  We learn from the beginning to identify with things as we do people.  I do it more so with people because of my childhood and the neglect that I experienced with my mother.  I will get more into this aspect later because we are not what we've gone through.  (Praise God!!!)

This was HUGE information to me.  I had identified myself with Doc.  Think about how we all identify ourselves with the "things" that we have.  How important "things" have become in this world.  It's insane.  Insatiable.  There's never enough... and this goes right back to the core of my shopping issues.  And so much more.  So much as been illuminated.  So many people could benefit from this book.

God gives us what we need.  He gives us what we need, exactly when we need it.  Whatever you may be needing may not come to you when you believe you need it - it will come in God's time.   I don't actually know but I propose that it might be because God know's no space or time.  Doctor - was never "mine".  He was with me for a season - just like everything else is a season in our lives.  He was on loan to me, for a while.  And I so grateful.  He has helped me immensely.  I will grieve.  It's just part of the process.  People will come and go, and I have to learn that they aren't mine.  As hard as this might be.  Feelings are a huge part of life - it is our guiding light.  How many of my clients have I told that to?  Counselor, take heed.

Thank you, Jesus.    

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Communication, Perception, and Surrender.

I believe in miracles.  The majority of those that read my writing know this - but if anyone happens to stumble across this and is new -- this is a true statement - for me.  I've witnessed several in my lifetime.  I just recently went through a seriously mentally and emotionally taxing ordeal with little sleep, as well as a gross miscommunication with someone who is dear to me.  I did not think that the period of insomnia would ever end, I was unable to sleep more than two hours per night for a horrifying two weeks.  I felt myself slipping into an odd mental and emotional state, one that I certainly did not like.  I had had a severely confusing interaction with my psychologist - partially brought on by communications from an outside source.  It was horrible going through this with no real rest, increased pain levels due to lack of sleep, and inability to clarify information with Doc until my appointment time.  I went an entire seven days - in the confused, unclear, and misunderstood communication headspace.  I'll say, it took its toll on me.  I felt the ramifications physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I have an enormous amount of respect and admiration for my Doctor - he has helped me find answers to questions that I have had my entire life.  Therefore, being in this crux with him was considerably unsettling.  My blood pressure was high, I experienced headaches and high anxiety.

Communication.  Such an easy word to roll off the tongue.  So multi-faceted.  How important it is in our lives, and how little attention we give it.  How bad things can get when it breaks down.  How many ways it can go awry.  This is what happened to me, and it was actually relatively a simple miscommunication, yet it completely riveted my life.  We rarely think of the ramifications of miscommunication until it damages our lives.  Until one feels its impact, there's little concern, there's little thought conceptually - of how much our lives are hung on whether or not communication works.

Perception is another concept that we give very little mental energy.  Yet, how we see our world completely colors our lives.  We often look through eyes of fear due to unresolved matters and it clouds everything we do.  This flavors every interaction we have, every thought we process, every decision we make.  How we view our world has everything to do with how we interact with it.  If we expect it to be hostile, we'll get what we expect.  Life just works that way -- because it's what we'll see.  It's the same concept as expecting positive experiences - what we look for is generally what we encounter.  Our thinking and our perception set us up to receive what we long for.  Perceptions in life albeit positive or negative -- are essential.

Perceptions can be changed, however.  If one will allow new information or new insight into mind.  There can often be a simple shift in thinking - to a mind-blowing intervention.  Perceptional shifts are awesome and can be so enlightening -- bringing a whole new and freshness to life.  It often feels like a springtime breeze of the mind, an awareness that is on another level.  It takes courage often and it takes an openness to learn.  Growth spurts usually involve a little fear mixed in with vulnerability.

My adventures over the last two months have been taxing.  Between finding out that my medication has aided in my compulsiveness -- of which has been owned by me and added to my list of defects despite the medications known side effects, has been enlightening.   However, I actually feel better knowing that the medication aided me in this horrifying shopping nightmare that I have been in.  I've known in my heart of hearts that I didn't use to be like this.  I wasn't always compulsive! I used to be really great with my finances - and could live off of nothing in college.  I have really felt like I was out of control and literally did not know how it happened.  Well, I guess now I know --- I had help.  This medication helped push me over that edge into being unable to control that irresistible urge.  So this particular part of my life feels much better and I'm actually coming off the medication and doing much better behaviorally.

I've since gone back to church at Midland.  There's a new preacher now.  I like him.  I'm excited to get back into church life again.  I have missed church a lot.

After the miscommunication from last week that was so devastating for me,  I am so filled with gratitude for my psychologist.  I was a wreck by the time I got to see him.  Not being able to sleep, thinking obsessively, and expecting the worst - really had me reeling.  I was just electric with nerves by the time my appointment came, even though I had been with Doc over a year, I was quite afraid.  I knew that I had to clarify the situation and straighten things out and try to find some sort of peace.  I just wasn't sure how I was going to do this.  Thank goodness, I just reached the place in my life where I can surrender and give it all to God when I completely am powerless.  I prayed a lot, surrendered, and asked the Holy Spirit to intercede for me.  I was so upset that I just didn't know if I could handle it.  So, I let God do it.

That was the miracle.

Everything went beautifully.  All of the issues that needed to be addressed were - and then some.  What was so awesome was that I really sensed that the Holy Spirit was with me.  It was one of the best sessions that we've had.  I left that appointment feeling better than I've ever felt.  I truly felt clean inside.  That may not make sense to some of you - but it will to others.  When you come from a shame-based family--- clean is the last thing you feel inside.  Broken is what you know.  Damaged is what you identify with.  It's not that you "make mistakes" - You are one.  That is what shame tells you.  Shame is extremely difficult to overcome.

I've been on this journey for 25+ years folks.  I'm nearing the end.  I felt and believed that I can achieve it at the end of last weeks session.  Shame can no longer keep it's residency here.  I am not who I was.


Thursday, September 28, 2017

Out of Control

I'm angry.

I'm angrier at myself than anyone.

How could I have not known?

All of this horrendous struggle.  This never-ending search - the inability to stop seeking.

I'm embarrassed, I think - humbled and somewhat ashamed.

All of this time I thought myself powerless.  Yet, somewhere deep down inside- I knew better.  I haven't always been -  compulsive.  Why have I been these last years?  I mean, it isn't that I have never been impulsive -- I think we all have at one time or two in our lives --- but the last decade of my life?  Man.

Impulsive: Acting or done without forethought.

Compulsive: acting or result from an irresistible urge.

I wasn't even certain of the difference between the words myself until I defined them.  It's quite clear now.

I'm utterly disgusted.  At a loss for words even.  This is rare for me.

At first, it was Abilify.  I'm not even certain how many years I took it.  Of course, it just comes out now that it's caused compulsive behaviors in people.  I have what is characterized as "resistant" major depression - and what this means is that it doesn't respond to the typical medications.  Not only does it not respond and I have to take medications that boost my antidepressants, my medications usually will just stop working with no or little warning and will have to be completely changed.  It's always been this way with my depression.  When I was first diagnosed, I went through eight medication changes - and I still was not well.  It's was hell.

It's so confusing.   The Abilify helped so much!  For the first time, I felt "normal" - whatever that is.  Goodness, I did not know that bankruptcy came with it.  The thing that makes me angry is that via my providers --- I've been blamed for this.  "It's part of your pathology."  UH......... I never did it before!!!  It just so happened that I had circumstances in my life that increased my stress level, and I have an anxiety disorder - and I'm so adept at being blamed --- hell I blame myself for any bad behavior I have.  I don't need any help from the cheap seats.  I'm my own worst enemy!!! I've been told from the time I was big enough to understand how deficient I am.  It's a recording that's still in process of removing.

I did not sleep more than four hours a night for many, many years.  Now I knew that was my meds.  I wasn't like hyper or anything -- just unable to sleep enough.  This exacerbates everything. Yet, this was not normal for me.  Sorry about the "normal" reference again.  I have no idea what that word really means.... except when I use it in those types of circumstances --- like in sleep (8 hours).  I have usually had no difficulties with sleep.  As I go to finish this post - I have had little than 2 hours rest.

Abilify aided me in gaining 40 pounds.  It was, don't get me wrong here - in the beginning like a miracle medication.  It gave me copious amounts of energy.  A new zest for life.  A new passion and zeal for my future that just had not been there.  It relieved my depression symptoms where nothing else had.  I was so grateful.  Now here I am - all these years past - with my credit in shambles - for the second time, having had dangerous behavior in my history, few friends and now lost in a mire of the quandary wondering what just happened?

I don't know if I would have even known if the class action suit hadn't come up.  I then did the research on Rexulti - only to discover that it is the forerunner for Abilify.  GREAT!!  Pharmaceuticals!!  Rexulti even has a lovely gene mutation - for cancer.

I have a mixed bag of feelings.  I owe my Semi-wellbeing to these medications.  On one hand, I have been moderately nonsuicidal on these medications.  I also had an internal struggle like nobody's business.  I've spent thousands - hundreds of thousands.  I have been out of control on this medicine.  I think this is a side effect that someone should know about.  Of course, the legal system only recognizes gambling as concrete enough to actually sue these companies for damages.

I'm so disheartened.  I have all the while, been attempting to follow Christ.  I have been utterly (what feels like) failing.  How can a compulsive person with some of the behaviors that I have had -- be a new creation?  I mean of course we're human beings -- and God knows - but man.

I'm on my way off this mess.  I went to my provider yesterday and I started the process of titration.  It will take some time, but I'm removing this from my life.  I'm so tired - in the hole at the bank - which ordinarily I'd never do.  So much has been so out of character for me --- and I knew it.   How many times have I told people to follow their intuition?  But did I trust mine?  How utterly sad.

Please if you are on either of these medications -- and you are having uncontrollable behavior --- go to your provider.  Ask questions.  See about it.  Both Rexulti and Abilify causes compulsive behavior -- and I'm telling you now -- you think it's you.

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me knowledge - for my gaining understanding.  Father God - I pray for all who may need this message in their lives to receive it.  Let this message find a way, where there was no way.  I pray for blessing and favor for all who read it - and that follow my writings, Lord grant them peace that passes all understanding.  Amen.  

I found a new song -- and it's so beautiful - It speaks right to the heart of where I am, and what I want.

My hope is that you find yourself in this song too.

Until next time,
God Bless,

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Even though, Even if....

I love eagles. So majestic, so regal, so powerful.  I tend to think they're one of God's favorite creatures.  Being that eagles are mentioned in the Bible, it makes them just that much more of a magnificent animal to me.  I've seen a few of them in real life, and it was an amazing experience - one I'm not likely to forget anytime soon.  We have a place here where they like to soar, called Eagle Point.  The last time that I went there, for some reason it was inundated with them, flying, swooping overhead.  I didn't have a camera - but you can bet the memory is etched in and one I'm not likely to forget.

I am feeling better, by the grace of God, than I was the last time that I wrote.  I almost feel like apologizing for my last post - I was in such a deep depression.  It is difficult to look back now at where I was.  That particular Sunday felt like hitting a bottom emotionally, and I suppose that's what it was albeit, those types of things are never easy to admit.  We all have our "I can't take this any longer" - moments -- and that sure felt like that was mine.  Perhaps it was.  I hadn't exactly been taking the best possible care of myself - spiritually and when I don't things like that can happen.  Especially for those of us who's intellect runs amuck.  I'd just written that "understanding doesn't bring peace" -- but, that is taking its sweet time sinking in.   That concept is going to have to burn its way through because of my childhood coping skills.  Those pesky little devils that got me through then are now my own worst enemies now.  They're hard to shake.

I have recently become ultra aware of what damage our dream life (waking), inside our minds can do.        If one really thinks about this, we all live in (and continue to create), ongoing dreams of fantasy inside our minds.  This could be as simple as the dreams a young girl has when she meets her first "real" boyfriend, and the wishful fantasies of her wedding day - in high definition - inside her head.  Or it could be as simple as how we're going to make better choices with our spending habits - yet another dream, on our next payday.  If one thinks about it, our entire lives are completely consumed with envisioned, manufactured dreams.  When broken down to this level, it's really all about our hopes, and our wishes, of what we desire.  I dare to contend, it's a trap, a mental trap.

I recently attempted, one last time - and I do mean LAST time -- internet dating.  I went through a reputable site, one that I believed could be trusted.  I've (despairingly I say) had some bad experiences in past with online ventures - and I've had some good - so it's really been about 50/50.  I thought to myself, what's it going to hurt, one last time?  So off I ventured.  I placed an ad, and immediately had responses.  There seems to always be several men willing and interested in a woman such as myself -- most I  don't care to respond to.  This time one shining star - lept out.  He and I started conversating, quite intensely.  We corresponded for quite a while.  

Of course, it ended up that he wasn't real.  I thank God and only God that I'd protected the deepest part of myself from ultimately becoming engaged emotionally with him.  However, I did created many a dream.  As with any of us, the end of the correspondence meant the end of the dreams. Ending said dreams albeit with a real human being or one you're not sure of -- is a death of an idea, and a grieving we need to attend to.   Because we had our hopes and our visions wrapped up in these ideals, the letting go process needs to take place on some level in order for us to be honorable to ourselves.   Yes, one might say that they were merely thoughts, but they were thoughts enhanced with feelings, a hope, and a vision.  Depending on just how much of any of those three things depends upon how hard the "little death" will be.  For this is what happens when our dreams die.  I tend to think that people do not like to pay homage or respect to their dreams,  but I contend that it is the only emotionally respectful thing to do.  Otherwise, we're leaving things undone and not respecting our journies.

I particularly want to thank God.  First and foremost because He is the front, center, and the guiding force of my life.  I fell prey to my depression on my last post and I am apologetic for this.  My faith was not where and with whom it should have been.  Yes, this is a lean season for me right now -- but this is all that it is, a season.  "This too shall pass." I know in my heart of hearts this to be true.  My God never forsakes me. Just never, period.  It is I that pulls away from Him - and it is always, always my undoing.  Hope that is seen, is not hope.  We as humans want what we want, and we want it now. I'm as guilty as anyone of this.

God's timing - well I tend to think that God knows no time.  Perhaps a thousand years is a day.  We do not know.  What I am sure of, He has me in the palm of His hand.  Everything that is happening in my life - is so for a reason.  Trust, faith, patience, all concepts that aren't in accordance with human nature.  We are greedy, needy, ego centric beings, even when we try really hard not to be.  I'm rethinking this deal.  I may pull away in despair at times, feeling defeated - but you know what?  He is still ever so near me.  I can (and will) get through this.   I just happen to know --- who holds my future.  

"For all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!"
Romans 8:37-38 NIV

I hope you enjoy the video - please listen, it's so good.  God Bless all of you --- May God make a way in your lives where there was none, and may His mighty favor see you safely through this life!!!


Monday, August 14, 2017

Thoughts on loneliness

I don't know if I've ever written about how utterly devastating the emptiness that I feel at times because of the depth of separation I have from human beings.  I believe that I have shared some about my plight, but I do not think that I have gotten gut level honest -- as I am about to do right now.  In many aspects, it is embarrassing to admit, painful to acknowledge, and completely humbling to bring into the light.  I cannot even say with full clarity what my intentions are, nor what my motives might in sharing these brutal truths, other than the possibility of the chance that someone, somewhere connecting - or finding some sort of solace through the the utterance of my words.  Although writing is therapeutic for me, my hearts greatest desire is to engage someone's life - to encourage, enlighten, or lend hope.  However, at this particular juncture --- hope is not the highest of emotional positions of which I stand today.  I apologize ahead of time for this, I would just ask for to be allowed to be fully human and accepted right where I am.  I assure you, I would gladly do the same for you.  Know this.

I spent the biggest part of the day yesterday curled up, in a semi-fetal position sobbing.  An before anyone proceeds to gather - no, I was not indeed, merely feeling sorry for myself.  I rarely allow feelings of self-pity to take up residence in me, and the reason being is because I cannot emotionally afford it.  My plight in this life is to live with chronic, sometimes unbearable physical pain -- 24 hours - 7 days a week.  I have multiple conditions, issues that cause chronic/acute pain that I am powerless over.  This existence is not compatible with self-pity.  I just cannot allow myself to venture into that territory.  I would stay high on some sort of drug consistently if I did -- and I would have the perfect excuse, it's not like my disease doesn't whisper such entitlement in my ear as it stands.

However, yesterday was a day of emotional darkness like I hadn't felt in a long time.  If people even knew the degree of devastation and barrenness that my mind can take me to - my life would be different.  My lifelong friend did call - and her timing was perfect - she said that she just felt the need to see how I was dong.  God bless her, because I was not doing well, at all.  She said that she "just had a sense", and she sensed correctly - because I was engaged in some pretty foul thinking, as well as crying quite hard.  Her call helped me immensely.

I do not believe that we are meant to be nor exist on this planet alone.  I fully believe to do so is indeed, extremely painful.  I have yet to understand how it can be that I do have friends that know my plight - yet do not reach out to me more often.  That is not a judgment - it is merely a query.  I full well know that most folks focus in life is 97% - inward.  To me, that's a really scary thing.  I would really hate to be that self-absorbed.  I'm not certain if because of how I grew up --- having to be always on guard, and ultra hyper-aware in regards to my mother's mood swings, her actions, and her rages...but I think of my fellow man quite a bit.  This does not make me superior, in any way - it just makes me mindful.  I tend to think too, having been a counselor - I so often ponder what other's think.    In all reality - I tend to think TOO much, whether or not that be about life, people, circumstances, ideals, etc.  I've written before about my intellect being my undoing.  However, this has gotten some better because of Jesus.

I found myself yesterday at the bottom of an emotional abyss.  That deep, empty, emotional place where you are ultra alone - and you are most definitely aware of your plight .  As Doc tells me, "you are alone Gina", and he doesn't say this to be cruel, it's just the facts.  The real problem here, is how to find a solution.  What I have arrived at after lending myself to volunteer at (at least) five different agencies - to no avail - I don't have an answer.  Life these days is just difficult.  I believe that it's going to keep being difficult - and only going to get worse because of technology.  I'm not one to find texting - nor even phone calls that particularly stimulating as being with people face to face.  That's just me.  I have no problem admitting I need people.  It's not a bad thing - I think we all do.  An I think too, that this is a huge problem with the human race - people will not admit their needs, or short comings.  Everyone wants to be or have superpowers.  Invincible. Nothing wrong here!!  I got my phone!!!!!

How ultimately sad.  Sad that a piece of machinery is or has become so important.  A lifeline of sorts where human relations and relationship intimacy used to rein supreme.  The dark forces of this world must really be loving it.  It is the anthesis of human interaction, real friendships, connection -- real anything.  It hurts my heart.  I truly believe it will be our undoing.

I'm not blaming what I went through yesterday -- my loneliness --nor the lack of connection that I have on technology.  I do however, believe it plays a part.  Some of what I go through is simply because people don't do what they say that they're going to do -- which is as old as time it's self --- be a person of your word.  Because if your not, you're nothing. Our word is all that we have.  Stand by it as if you didn't you were going to die.  Purposely touch other peoples lives.  It's part of what we're here for.  We're not here to just fulfill our own desires and each and every whim that comes to mind.  Be kind and considerate to your fellow man.  Remember do unto others as you would have them do unto you???  Think about someone besides yourself every once in a while.  Doing, giving, and being present for others can totally open new and wonderful doors of your own life.  Plus it can give you a totally fresh perspective.  One that you'll never get if you never reach out and stretch yourself.

Most of all, reach out.  All of us know that certain someone that has few family members, and a small group of friends up which they depend upon.  If you say you're going to do something with them - follow through, if you can't, let them know.  That's just basic respect.  It goes both ways.  Be that person that can be counted on.  You'll make a huge difference in people's lives.

In the big schema of things we all just want to know that we matter.

God Bless ----- Thanks for reading.


Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Still Waters

It's been a minute since I've written.  It amazes me that even when I don't seek out God, and I'm lazy in my pursuit of Him - he yet comes to meet me.  I so often find things that are just for me, on the net - in books, in different forms of media when the holy spirit speaks directly to my spirt.  I'm often overwhelmed with peace, a sense of assurance, and sometime immense joy - at and in awe of just how God speaks to me.  I haven't been reading my daily readings.  I don't have a good excuse.  I'm a little bit afraid that I'm upset with God.  I have a hankering that I'm upset because a specific prayer continues to be unanswered.  I'm not 'purposely' upset - but it's like I can kind of feel a resentment building, and I cannot seem to stop it.  I've been praying this particular prayer for several years now - and I know that God will answer it, it's just that it's such a painful thing.  I've endured it about as long as it "feels" I can.  I know that God full well knows my circumstance --- and He will do what He believes is best, I just have to have faith - and keep going.  I will understand one day.

It's interesting that I arrived at understanding.  Every last thing with me is about understanding.  It was birthed from my childhood experiences.  I couldn't understand why my mother did not love me, and I believed (boy did I) that if I could just know why--- I could accept it.  Lots of humans dwell on the why's and where for's.  Yet, understanding why something happened does not change the circumstance or alter the substance in any way.  I used to ask a great deal of why questions.  I finally stopped doing that.  Now it's the need to fully comprehend everything.  An, that's not what having faith is about.  Sometimes life has to hit you between the eyes -- to help you see.

I actually stumbled across a post in Instagram that said "Understanding will never bring you peace." It was from the "Jesus Calling" a book of daily meditation by Sarah Young.  It hit me right between the eyes.   The passage kind of took my breath.   It's so true.  Understanding might give you a moment of illumination - but it doesn't bring peace.  As far as I know, and I've been around some 55 years --- Jesus is my peace.  He is the only thing that gives me peace.

I get so caught up in trying to figure this out, and figure that out -- that I forget who (whom?) my life force is directed from.  An that is what I get for not reading my bible daily.  An that is not a "have to do" thing -- please know -- my relationship with Jesus is much more out of love for Him, and a true natural desire to seek (and be in) His presence.  I just adore how it happens --- if I can describe if successfully.  When I am with Him, life is the stillest and most calm, serene place.  He comes to meet me like a magnificent warmth, a treasured old friend, and a majestic force.  Yet there is no sense of Him overtaking me, the atmosphere is so still and calm as the stillest of waters.  At this precise moment I am whole.  He is my All in All - and I am Him.  Not in a grandiose way, but with all humility - and meekness.  We are of one Spirit.  It is unlike anything else, ever.  I adore it, and I never want it to end.  He is my strength, my courage, my hope, and my praise.  I am able to pray unlike any other time, in spirit.  I am in awe.

I don't know why (here I go again) I would not seek this all the time.  We are funny human beings.  We often run to what is bad, chaotic for us- and run away from what is wholesome -- don't ask me why.  We're an odd lot.  At least I know I am.  I suppose when one grows up with such dysfunction -- love, connection, warmth, stillness, and hope are quite the opposite of what we seek.  I am learning!!!

It's taking some time for this nose surgery to heal.  The four hour surgery has taken it's toll on my body,  I've been really tired as of late.  The brain hasn't been affected too much--- of course, it's ever evolving but the body sure has been beaten up.  It's been an ordeal going through it with not having the pain meds to match it --- but I made it.  I was quite angry in the beginning - but I've worked through that too.  There just is no point in being angry -- even if I do confront the Doctor -- nothing's going to change.  I abhor, and I mean abhor people that are dead set against change.  Life is change --- our cells renew ever 24 hours---- resistance to change is futile.  Don't get me started.  LOL

I am so grateful for the messages that God sends me.  It makes me feel special - and I don't have much of that in my life.  I didn't matter when I was growing up ---- and I don't really matter much in this life.  All I ever wanted to do what to help in the process of changing one person's life - and make a difference somehow.  I've done that.  It doesn't mean I'm done, because I'm not - obviously I wouldn't write if I didn't care.  My life is just pretty small right now.  It's okay - it's just a season.  Seasons come and seasons go.  It won't be like this forever.

Just remember understanding will not bring you peace, Jesus does that --- that's why the bible says - "Lean not unto you're own understanding'.  We really know so little, but think that we know so much.  We get so full of ourselves.  An we humanize God.  We need to stop doing this.  He is so beyond our comprehension.  We are but a dot on this little planet.  Lest we forget.

God Bless YOU!

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Dealing with difficult people.

This is me, today after surgery yesterday morning.  Sorry I look so awful - but I did just have a sedptorihineoplasty.   My nose had been broken and was crooked, as well as having had a deviated septum.  The doctor corrected all of that - including breaking multiple bones, as well as restructuring the tip and the end that was coming out too far or "bulging" as he called it.  It is/was a very painful surgery - and I am in a great deal of pain as I write.  I was made to stay overnight for pain control due to the insolence of the pain clinic that I have to go to because of the chronic pain that I have.  There isn't anywhere else that will treat my pain.  The physician that is in charge there, flat out denied an additional pain meds post surgery.  Stating that what I currently on was enough.  I had a feeling he was going to do this because he has absolutely NO COMPASSION and IS INEPT in his profession.  How in the world can broken bone and cutting of flesh be covered by medication that isn't even managing my current level of pain - it has not been altered in over (at least 5 years) and my pain levels now are from 6-8 daily --- supposed to cover this pain?  I'm livid to say the least and just blown away.  I was frankly so enraged I was shaking.  

How does someone deal with a controlling maniac like this?  I told my ear, nose, and throat doctor that I'd just break my contract with them.  Of course, this leaves me in a lurch.  I'll tell you yesterday after surgery, I could have cared less.  I'm still in SO MUCH pain.  However, you see it is not him that is suffering.  He- we'll call him - Dr. O, has no negative affects.  He can still carry out his life with no side affects, and obviously has no conception of pain.  My doctor that did the surgery called and called him and explained what was done an it was still a definitive "NO".

What do I do now?  Obviously I have to deal with the pain.  That's a given, I have no choice because Dr. O has convinced my nose dr. that I will go into respiratory arrest if given anything stronger --- because he thinks he's the expert on pain medication.  I can tell you after having had three pain pumps and being on high levels of pain medications --- he is completely stupid.  Yes, I said he is quite unlearned about increased tolerance --- for I have had pharmacology in college.  He has as much as said to me that he will never change my meds.  This is insane...  I think he got his license off the internet... SERIOUSLY.  However there is nothing now that I can do.  I am completely powerless.

I ask myself what does this mean?  Why is this happening?  Does God have anything to do with this or is this just ruthless people?  I know that my Lord would not have me suffer like this.  I just know that.  I just refuse to believe that the God of my belief/understanding would not want me to suffer, that this has everything to do with this doctors ignorance.

So please, I'm asking for prayers.  I need them.  It seems to me that it's time for a change.  Obviously. God will direct me.  I do have an option - I think.  I will call in the morning - they open @ 6:00 a.m.
I have great faith.  I believe that this will turn out as it should, and that God has me, in the palm of His hand.  Yes, I'm suffering but no one said this life would be suffering free.  People at times are difficult, and we experience storms in our lives.  There is a reason that all of this is happening - I just have to stay open and humble until the end, or my answers come.  The Lord has an answer.  I will always, always have hope.

Thank you,  Gina

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Present Pain

I hold my breath.  I actually cannot breathe.  In the midst of what I'm currently going through.  Oh - you'd never know to see me, talk to me, or ask me how I am.  It's only in the darkest recesses of my alone time, and with the trusted of friends that I share where my heart is now.  This current journey is perhaps the most difficult that I've ventured yet.  I hide from it as best I can.  Why, you might ask?  Because what's taking place is (and needs to be) completely consumptive and life changing.  My behavior needs to change in order for the proper identity to be instilled and cemented.  This is, in my belief -  one of the most damaging things that I've worked through as of yet.

I've found myself pushing the most important of persons, as far away from me - to the extent that I almost lost them.  I did not even realize what I had done, or was doing until a few days ago.  I dislike this grieving process just that much.  It isn't that I don't like to feel, I'm just NOT good at it.  The pendulum swings too wide for me - because of my intensity.  Hell, not even I can handle myself at times --- my sensitivity, and the range of emotions .  Try interacting with others attempting to "monitor" yourself.  I truly think I either feel or I shut them off.  It's an addict thing - pretty much as bad as I dislike it - black and white kind of emoting.  I liken to think myself an outside of the box person --- however there's certainly that all or nothing aspect to my persona.  I don't like that.  I try so hard not to illicit that.  I did not really realize how much I do utilize such processes until I started seeing Doc.  Then "bam", there it is in your face --- your lovely behavior on a plate for you to view.

I have had to force myself to communicate with God.  I'm baffled by this.  Oh, other than the fact that tears run the millisecond I utter a word of prayer or open my bible.  I suppose it has everything to do with the emotional pain.  Sometimes things just aren't even clear to me, the enlightened one..... lol.   What's so beautiful right now though is that God has answered my prayers!  I've found some exceptionally good friends.  Well, she found me.  I am so blessed right now.  An I say that facing surgery in four days - and even with the issues that I'm currently working on.  It is my nature to be grateful though --- I've learned this throughout life, I suppose it's my A.A. background.  Grateful folks tend to get drunk or high less often.  But it's more than that for me - I just have a huge heart, most of the time, full of joy.  That's God given, and no one can take this away.  As I think of it, that's my center - where my peace lives.  Given to me through a gift called grace - and the incredible Finished Work of Jesus Christ.  Grief may have it's moments, but it cannot have my being.

This is one of the reasons I write.  God speaks through me, for me, and to me.  It's such an absolute blessing.  My grandest hope is that someone, somewhere can relate - or finds inspiration in what I'm going through.  Even if I can't be specific right now --- just know no matter what the issue or circumstance and how bad it hurts - there is a Man names Jesus -- and He died for you.  As alone as I "feel" some times, and as much as I struggle, I will always triumph because of Him.  He is my Father, my Savior, the Author and the Finisher of my faith.  Even when I pull away from Him, He does not pull away from me, I believe He come closer because He knows that I'm hurting.  He was human, fully human, He suffered greatly - more than we can imagine -- His compassion is great.  He was the inventor of compassion and love, I think He understands!

I write to you today in pain, but with hope.  Always with hope and trust of better days ahead.  You see what I have is an identity problem still.  I do not fully accept and engulf who I know in my mind I am.   I am, my value -  higher than rubies.  A princess, the child of the Most High. The righteousness of God through Jesus Christ.    I cannot comprehend it yet.  I'm steady working on it, it's just that so much damage was done previously - the old me won't let go so easy.  It's taking  me (not God) quite a while to encapsulate the newness of my "new creation."  I already am this, I just need patience.  Everyone does.  It doesn't help that I'm avoiding feeding (reading my bible, praying - going to church).  I did go Sunday - my beloved previous pastor Paul was in town - and it was glorious.  He even preached about identity.  God is so amazingly awesome.  

I'm anxiously awaiting my session with Doc Friday.  It will be hard, but oh so necessary.  I'm changing, I can feel it.  Even though it hurts -- it's so good - this is so needed.  An God has given me friends to help me get through.  Hallelujah !!!  I am not so alone anymore!!!  He is so precious, and that even is an understatement of fact --- He's miraculous!!!!  I hope you know Him.  He has a purpose for all of us - we all have special gifts to bring into this world.  We're all each individuals, unlike any other -- with unique talents - may you find yours.

Thank you for reading this -- and please know that processing pain is not easy for anyone.  But it is worthwhile, and life changing.  We are not alone, not today, tomorrow or the hereafter.  God is love.  He invented it - and He created us so He could love us.  It's that simple.  When we hurt, He hurst for us.  Remember that.  It is pretty normal to push God away when we're hurting -- I am not certain why - but why doesn't matter.  Just draw near Him, and He will draw near you.  Believe me when I say -- there's nothing like it in this world.

God Bless,


Saturday, July 8, 2017

A place to hide.

I wish I knew why it is that when I am going through difficult emotional periods, I seem to push God away.  I am not certain is I push - or if I just go through a period of choosing not to feel all together.  See, feeling things isn't one of my greatest endeavors - I tend to avoid it -- at all costs.  Most addicts do (recovering or active).  Most of the time a person that has been down the path of addiction did so at a ripe young age -- for me, I was eleven years old when my "career" began.  What is in the research is that the person just stops maturing when the chemicals begin.  They stop maturation emotionally at any rate.  Oh they keep on growing physically and for all intensive purposes they look like they're just like everyone else -- but they're not.  They're's many a defect.  Anyways ---

I'm working through some really difficult issues with Doc in therapy - the EMDR that I told you all about several months ago - (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) -  this is where a traumatic memory is taken, and processed by stimulating the right and left frontal lobes of the brain quickly -- through rapid eye movement - via memory.  This therapy is executed mostly for those that suffer from PTSD - but it is used for multiple therapeutic avenues who's burdened by traumatic memories.  It is used some for persons with Dissociative Identity Disorder also.  At any rate - I've been undergoing this therapy for almost a year now - and we are working on some very difficult memories.  It's a partial memory - and it's just the kind that I do not like doing.  Usually more is revealed, and I have no control over what comes and when.  The emotions involved are usually quite painful -- and I don't like the feelings of not having any control of what comes.  It is quite unsettling.  As one would imagine -- it produces fear - and anguish.  

I have found myself in a sort of a "frozen" mode.  I just choose to do nothing -- take no chances, so I have no chance of feeling anything.  It's safer.  I don't let God in, no people, no nada.  I basically sit in front of the television and veg.  Or at least I've done this for a few days or so -- I haven't read my bible, and I haven't been anywhere.  I am afraid of what might come.  One thing that does tend to happen with EMDR is dreams.  It's how the psyche processes the trauma.  I even try to sleep fast.  I know that this sounds crazy - but it's true.  

I've spent too much money - money that I didn't have.  I'm still in the addictive pattern and I've really wanted to use.  Really bad.  This is how I push my feelings down.  I would like nothing more then just to stay "comfortably NUMB".  However - I know in my mind that this is not good and today I cried because I did interact yesterday and I went and did my volunteer gig at the nursing home.  I really enjoy it.  But I got in touch with my loneliness again.  I really dislike holidays.  I'm always alone.  I often wonder if I will be alone the rest of my life.  I pray so hard to God for that not to be true.  Today it seems like it will be like this, the rest of my life, but I do have faith - that God knows and will give me the desires of my heart.  

This is the beauty about God.  His grace and mercy is so unbelievable.  He loved me and brought me through when I was so undeserving.  I guess you could say, although a very troubled individual, I've always had a compassionate heart - because I've been through so much as a person.  My heart has always hurt for others.  When you grow up and you're not wanted, it does something to you. 
You see life differently.  It can't but change your perception towards the things that are of love in your life.  The people that do love you are so precious.  Not feeling like you are "enough" makes you always try your hardest, at each and everything that you ever undertake.  You don't even comprehend the word.... quit.  It just isn't an option.  You do everything to the absolute best of your ability (and then some)... in hopes that you'll be accepted, loved, noticed, that you'll finally matter....etc.  The really sad part is that it is an endless battle because you're trying to gain acceptance from someone who's is more often than not - mentally ill.  In my case - my parent was.  I just did not know it.  

However, I got off track again because I was writing about Jesus - or I was trying to.  If it weren't for Him, I would have killed myself (I tried many times) a long time ago.  When I say I tried -- I didn't deliberately set out to do so -- with exception of when I was 21... I had a nervous break down.  But I often didn't care one way or another.  But God kept me alive.  He knew that I was needed for something.  I still do not know what that purpose was.  I used to think that it was for the counseling that I did - but those days are over.  Maybe it was for the ones that I helped.  However, I'm still here.  I've just really not been wanting to deal with anything here lately.  I suppose that it is good that I realized that today.  I have gone for months and not known what was going on.  Hell, to be honest, I've gone for years and not really had a real feeling because of my meds.  While I was on one of my meds, I really did not feel anything like I do now for almost six years.  That's scary when I think about it.  It's difficult to track when you have fibromyalgia - because tracking isn't something that you do well.  

I really dislike holidays.  I spent some time with a friend today but virtually I always end up alone in the end.  I have a difficult time thinking, believing that things will ever end any other way than this.  However that is how I'm feeling right now -- I don't know what God has in store for me.  I can't sense Him right now - I don't know what He is working on, I just try to do my part, as best I can and be the best person I know how to be -- and pray when I can. It's not been real often here lately, I've been hiding.  I did a lot of that as a child too- and that's become a defect of mine.  I've got some serious financial difficulties coming up.  I've shopped myself into a problem.  I'm going to have to pay the piper now and I don't know how I'm going to do it.  I'm scared, and I don't know what is going to happen.  I'm probably going to have to stop paying some of my bills because I have to eat.  There just isn't much I can do about that.  I've got a real problem with the spending.  It's got to stop.  It's time to call a halt on something.  I've got to face reality now.  I've been very irresponsible.  I don't know that it's that per se, it's the addiction, I don't know if I can stop.  It's really hard when you're hurting and can't deal with it and have no support system.  

I wish someone would try what I'm going through and let me know how they do it.  I'ts absolute hell.  The only place I get good feelings is shopping.  Every other aspect of my life is either lonesome or somehow painful.  It seems to be.  Like doc says - "you are alone, and it's not supposed to be like this".  He's alsolutely right.  It's excruciating at times.  Sometimes it's tolerable, but most of the time, it's pretty awful.  I envy my friends.  they have no idea  what it's like of they'd do something.  I would if I were they're friend.  It's very interesting.  It is always different on the needful end of things.  

I will keep my head up - and try to process things as they come.  In all earnestness what else can we do?  My finances turned out better than I expected - I'm broke but I got every one paid.  That's always my greatest fear, that someone won't get paid.  I'm a responsible spending addict - what an oxymoron.   Oh believe you me - I'm a walking contradiction --- I'm sure.  I do really try.  Being someone that is of integrity is very important to me.  That doesn't mean that I have to have money --- it pertains to how I carry myself.  People can be broke ---- and feel like the richest person on earth --- it's all about perspective.  I won't give you the glass deal but I will challenge you to try to live your life with attention, be mindful and  to it as it comes.  Yesterday is just that behind you.  Tomorrow --- well that will take care of itself when it arrives.  Live fully as best you can - and make it your aim to be especially kind.  Give of yourself to people less fortunate than yourself.  Be courteous to each and everyone.  Look and see awe and wonder in your everyday life --- you will find it.  Jesus will show it to you is you have faith that it exists.  

Challenge your self and your faith today --- push to be present and mindful.  Jesus will meet you there.  Arms wide open.  

In grace,


A caterpillar to a butterfly.

 I've not written in some time.  There's much on my mind - and several things pulling at my heart.  As most of you know, when I delve into something, I do not do so lightly.  I've shared that I am in process with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing)  therapy with an amazing psychologist and that we're "remapping" memories.  I'll simplify it as much as I can - by activating both frontal lobes of the brain quickly(with hand movement) - and recalling a traumatic event - until you process through (which can take quite a bit of time) until the memory is no longer unpleasant... The process also builds layer upon layer of positive affirmations and unhinges beliefs associated with said trauma, to replace the once negative memory with a positive experience.  Now that's a mouthful.  Basically I follow doc's movement with my eyes, and it activates the frontal lobes left, then right quite quickly - as I recall painful memories.  Sometimes I have physical pain with it, sometimes I have headaches - it's really kind of wild.  I'm very grateful for this.  Doctor is a gift from God, I know because I'm healing in a way that I've never healed before.  He has had answers that I have needed that have burdened my soul for years.

What is really interesting however, as is my behavior during this period.  I have a difficult time staying "stable".  It's actually quite normal (whatever that is, I've never known normal) to exhibit irregular behaviors when doing this kind of work.  I wanted to write about loneliness - because my life is pretty empty however, it is getting better.  I'm digressing, and I apologize.  I've been really sick for the last two weeks, really sick.  Most of  you know about my spending -- and that aberrant behavior.  Well, it continues.  Often times I feel like a big ballon in a small casing-- there just isn't enough room for me here.  I'm too big.  My personality, my presence, my thoughts, everything about me is just too big.  I overwhelm people - straight out of the gate.  Everyone but my one friend - and I am so thankful for her!!!  We've both got big personalities, and we're learning to be okay around each other.  I love that -- that is the coolest thing to me, in the world.  That level of acceptance.  Don't you agree?

I've talked to doc about my yearning to just want to be special to someone.  I don't think that this is an unusual request - or an unattainable goal.  I have felt this way for a long while now.  Few people could handle spending the copious amounts of time that I spend alone.  I don't even believe that it's healthy - we aren't meant to be so alone.  It is not what I would choose - if given a choice.  Doc says that it wouldn't be good for me right at this particular juncture to be in relationship- and I do understand,  it doesn't mean that I have to like it.  An if I'm really completely honest with myself - I'm still hiding from the world.  I'm still stuck.  I vacillate back and forth between fight, flight, and frozen.

I really wanted to be somewhere else last week, or someone else.  My own insides were distasteful.   I don't know if anyone else can relate to that - but sometimes being "me" ain't all that it's cut out to be.  For one thing - I turned 55.  When I look back at my life, what do I have to show for it?  Not much.  I didn't die.  And, I've witnessed miracles.  That says a great deal -----right there.   You guys know that for all intensive purposes I should be dead ---- the multiple times that I've woken up on the floor, where I've passed out and hit my head from taking way too many narcotics.  I used to mix fentanyl  with morphine and Xanax -- sometimes there were other chemicals as well.  I think back to those times now, and I am filled with gratitude. I know that sounds like a crazy person said that --- but I'm completely sane, however -- this gives me a completely different perspective - which is exactly what I'm needing at this moment.  Thank God!!

I was introduced to drugs at the ripe age of eleven years old.  I was a full-blown addict by age 18.  I was already out of control before I was even an adult.  As I sit here today criticizing myself for slow progress -I have to remember where I came from.  I have to remember what I've been through.  If it weren't for the grace of God, I wouldn't even be here.  I loose sight of things sometimes.  I suppose we all do.  Doc and I have been working on some really difficult memories.  These specific memories have plagued me and have negatively shaped a part of my life that is in dire need of transformation.  That kind of change on that level --- is never easy.  It's okay though.  I'm strong, I can get through this, my Jesus knows how.  If I couldn't make it, it wouldn't be happening.

I realize that I just processed myself "out loud" for the whole world to read - but you know what?  I don't care.  Someone needs to read this.  That's what I feel.  Someone, somewhere else feels too big on the inside and they need to know that they're not alone.  I believe it's just that we're full of possibilities!  We're full of potential! We're full of passion.  I know that I am.  And I'm full of love.  Unconditional love for people.  Even the one's that will judge me for daring to write something like this and publish it.  But --- that's just me.  Please know that this is vey hard work, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  Processing through traumatic events such as I am - can often trigger many past feelings, behaviors, and thought processes.  What I'm attempting to do is hard work.  I forget that.  I'm real hard on myself.  I always have been.  I don't need anyone else to criticize me, I do great all by myself.  The greatest thing I can do, is do this work, and be gentle with myself.  This would be the greatest gift.

Those of you that actually read this all the way through -- I thank you.  May God bless you and keep you ----this is my prayer ---right in the palm of His hand.  Grace and Peace all the days of your life.... until next time...  Gina