Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Dealing with difficult people.


This is me, today after surgery yesterday morning.  Sorry I look so awful - but I did just have a sedptorihineoplasty.   My nose had been broken and was crooked, as well as having had a deviated septum.  The doctor corrected all of that - including breaking multiple bones, as well as restructuring the tip and the end that was coming out too far or "bulging" as he called it.  It is/was a very painful surgery - and I am in a great deal of pain as I write.  I was made to stay overnight for pain control due to the insolence of the pain clinic that I have to go to because of the chronic pain that I have.  There isn't anywhere else that will treat my pain.  The physician that is in charge there, flat out denied an additional pain meds post surgery.  Stating that what I currently on was enough.  I had a feeling he was going to do this because he has absolutely NO COMPASSION and IS INEPT in his profession.  How in the world can broken bone and cutting of flesh be covered by medication that isn't even managing my current level of pain - it has not been altered in over (at least 5 years) and my pain levels now are from 6-8 daily --- supposed to cover this pain?  I'm livid to say the least and just blown away.  I was frankly so enraged I was shaking.  



How does someone deal with a controlling maniac like this?  I told my ear, nose, and throat doctor that I'd just break my contract with them.  Of course, this leaves me in a lurch.  I'll tell you yesterday after surgery, I could have cared less.  I'm still in SO MUCH pain.  However, you see it is not him that is suffering.  He- we'll call him - Dr. O, has no negative affects.  He can still carry out his life with no side affects, and obviously has no conception of pain.  My doctor that did the surgery called and called him and explained what was done an it was still a definitive "NO".

What do I do now?  Obviously I have to deal with the pain.  That's a given, I have no choice because Dr. O has convinced my nose dr. that I will go into respiratory arrest if given anything stronger --- because he thinks he's the expert on pain medication.  I can tell you after having had three pain pumps and being on high levels of pain medications --- he is completely stupid.  Yes, I said he is quite unlearned about increased tolerance --- for I have had pharmacology in college.  He has as much as said to me that he will never change my meds.  This is insane...  I think he got his license off the internet... SERIOUSLY.  However there is nothing now that I can do.  I am completely powerless.

I ask myself what does this mean?  Why is this happening?  Does God have anything to do with this or is this just ruthless people?  I know that my Lord would not have me suffer like this.  I just know that.  I just refuse to believe that the God of my belief/understanding would not want me to suffer, that this has everything to do with this doctors ignorance.

So please, I'm asking for prayers.  I need them.  It seems to me that it's time for a change.  Obviously. God will direct me.  I do have an option - I think.  I will call in the morning - they open @ 6:00 a.m.
I have great faith.  I believe that this will turn out as it should, and that God has me, in the palm of His hand.  Yes, I'm suffering but no one said this life would be suffering free.  People at times are difficult, and we experience storms in our lives.  There is a reason that all of this is happening - I just have to stay open and humble until the end, or my answers come.  The Lord has an answer.  I will always, always have hope.

Thank you,  Gina


Thursday, July 20, 2017

Present Pain





I hold my breath.  I actually cannot breathe.  In the midst of what I'm currently going through.  Oh - you'd never know to see me, talk to me, or ask me how I am.  It's only in the darkest recesses of my alone time, and with the trusted of friends that I share where my heart is now.  This current journey is perhaps the most difficult that I've ventured yet.  I hide from it as best I can.  Why, you might ask?  Because what's taking place is (and needs to be) completely consumptive and life changing.  My behavior needs to change in order for the proper identity to be instilled and cemented.  This is, in my belief -  one of the most damaging things that I've worked through as of yet.

I've found myself pushing the most important of persons, as far away from me - to the extent that I almost lost them.  I did not even realize what I had done, or was doing until a few days ago.  I dislike this grieving process just that much.  It isn't that I don't like to feel, I'm just NOT good at it.  The pendulum swings too wide for me - because of my intensity.  Hell, not even I can handle myself at times --- my sensitivity, and the range of emotions .  Try interacting with others attempting to "monitor" yourself.  I truly think I either feel or I shut them off.  It's an addict thing - pretty much as bad as I dislike it - black and white kind of emoting.  I liken to think myself an outside of the box person --- however there's certainly that all or nothing aspect to my persona.  I don't like that.  I try so hard not to illicit that.  I did not really realize how much I do utilize such processes until I started seeing Doc.  Then "bam", there it is in your face --- your lovely behavior on a plate for you to view.

I have had to force myself to communicate with God.  I'm baffled by this.  Oh, other than the fact that tears run the millisecond I utter a word of prayer or open my bible.  I suppose it has everything to do with the emotional pain.  Sometimes things just aren't even clear to me, the enlightened one..... lol.   What's so beautiful right now though is that God has answered my prayers!  I've found some exceptionally good friends.  Well, she found me.  I am so blessed right now.  An I say that facing surgery in four days - and even with the issues that I'm currently working on.  It is my nature to be grateful though --- I've learned this throughout life, I suppose it's my A.A. background.  Grateful folks tend to get drunk or high less often.  But it's more than that for me - I just have a huge heart, most of the time, full of joy.  That's God given, and no one can take this away.  As I think of it, that's my center - where my peace lives.  Given to me through a gift called grace - and the incredible Finished Work of Jesus Christ.  Grief may have it's moments, but it cannot have my being.

This is one of the reasons I write.  God speaks through me, for me, and to me.  It's such an absolute blessing.  My grandest hope is that someone, somewhere can relate - or finds inspiration in what I'm going through.  Even if I can't be specific right now --- just know no matter what the issue or circumstance and how bad it hurts - there is a Man names Jesus -- and He died for you.  As alone as I "feel" some times, and as much as I struggle, I will always triumph because of Him.  He is my Father, my Savior, the Author and the Finisher of my faith.  Even when I pull away from Him, He does not pull away from me, I believe He come closer because He knows that I'm hurting.  He was human, fully human, He suffered greatly - more than we can imagine -- His compassion is great.  He was the inventor of compassion and love, I think He understands!

I write to you today in pain, but with hope.  Always with hope and trust of better days ahead.  You see what I have is an identity problem still.  I do not fully accept and engulf who I know in my mind I am.   I am, my value -  higher than rubies.  A princess, the child of the Most High. The righteousness of God through Jesus Christ.    I cannot comprehend it yet.  I'm steady working on it, it's just that so much damage was done previously - the old me won't let go so easy.  It's taking  me (not God) quite a while to encapsulate the newness of my "new creation."  I already am this, I just need patience.  Everyone does.  It doesn't help that I'm avoiding feeding (reading my bible, praying - going to church).  I did go Sunday - my beloved previous pastor Paul was in town - and it was glorious.  He even preached about identity.  God is so amazingly awesome.  

I'm anxiously awaiting my session with Doc Friday.  It will be hard, but oh so necessary.  I'm changing, I can feel it.  Even though it hurts -- it's so good - this is so needed.  An God has given me friends to help me get through.  Hallelujah !!!  I am not so alone anymore!!!  He is so precious, and that even is an understatement of fact --- He's miraculous!!!!  I hope you know Him.  He has a purpose for all of us - we all have special gifts to bring into this world.  We're all each individuals, unlike any other -- with unique talents - may you find yours.

Thank you for reading this -- and please know that processing pain is not easy for anyone.  But it is worthwhile, and life changing.  We are not alone, not today, tomorrow or the hereafter.  God is love.  He invented it - and He created us so He could love us.  It's that simple.  When we hurt, He hurst for us.  Remember that.  It is pretty normal to push God away when we're hurting -- I am not certain why - but why doesn't matter.  Just draw near Him, and He will draw near you.  Believe me when I say -- there's nothing like it in this world.

God Bless,

Gina


Saturday, July 8, 2017

A place to hide.












I wish I knew why it is that when I am going through difficult emotional periods, I seem to push God away.  I am not certain is I push - or if I just go through a period of choosing not to feel all together.  See, feeling things isn't one of my greatest endeavors - I tend to avoid it -- at all costs.  Most addicts do (recovering or active).  Most of the time a person that has been down the path of addiction did so at a ripe young age -- for me, I was eleven years old when my "career" began.  What is in the research is that the person just stops maturing when the chemicals begin.  They stop maturation emotionally at any rate.  Oh they keep on growing physically and for all intensive purposes they look like they're just like everyone else -- but they're not.  They're's many a defect.  Anyways ---

I'm working through some really difficult issues with Doc in therapy - the EMDR that I told you all about several months ago - (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) -  this is where a traumatic memory is taken, and processed by stimulating the right and left frontal lobes of the brain quickly -- through rapid eye movement - via memory.  This therapy is executed mostly for those that suffer from PTSD - but it is used for multiple therapeutic avenues who's burdened by traumatic memories.  It is used some for persons with Dissociative Identity Disorder also.  At any rate - I've been undergoing this therapy for almost a year now - and we are working on some very difficult memories.  It's a partial memory - and it's just the kind that I do not like doing.  Usually more is revealed, and I have no control over what comes and when.  The emotions involved are usually quite painful -- and I don't like the feelings of not having any control of what comes.  It is quite unsettling.  As one would imagine -- it produces fear - and anguish.  

I have found myself in a sort of a "frozen" mode.  I just choose to do nothing -- take no chances, so I have no chance of feeling anything.  It's safer.  I don't let God in, no people, no nada.  I basically sit in front of the television and veg.  Or at least I've done this for a few days or so -- I haven't read my bible, and I haven't been anywhere.  I am afraid of what might come.  One thing that does tend to happen with EMDR is dreams.  It's how the psyche processes the trauma.  I even try to sleep fast.  I know that this sounds crazy - but it's true.  

I've spent too much money - money that I didn't have.  I'm still in the addictive pattern and I've really wanted to use.  Really bad.  This is how I push my feelings down.  I would like nothing more then just to stay "comfortably NUMB".  However - I know in my mind that this is not good and today I cried because I did interact yesterday and I went and did my volunteer gig at the nursing home.  I really enjoy it.  But I got in touch with my loneliness again.  I really dislike holidays.  I'm always alone.  I often wonder if I will be alone the rest of my life.  I pray so hard to God for that not to be true.  Today it seems like it will be like this, the rest of my life, but I do have faith - that God knows and will give me the desires of my heart.  

This is the beauty about God.  His grace and mercy is so unbelievable.  He loved me and brought me through when I was so undeserving.  I guess you could say, although a very troubled individual, I've always had a compassionate heart - because I've been through so much as a person.  My heart has always hurt for others.  When you grow up and you're not wanted, it does something to you. 
You see life differently.  It can't but change your perception towards the things that are of love in your life.  The people that do love you are so precious.  Not feeling like you are "enough" makes you always try your hardest, at each and everything that you ever undertake.  You don't even comprehend the word.... quit.  It just isn't an option.  You do everything to the absolute best of your ability (and then some)... in hopes that you'll be accepted, loved, noticed, that you'll finally matter....etc.  The really sad part is that it is an endless battle because you're trying to gain acceptance from someone who's is more often than not - mentally ill.  In my case - my parent was.  I just did not know it.  

However, I got off track again because I was writing about Jesus - or I was trying to.  If it weren't for Him, I would have killed myself (I tried many times) a long time ago.  When I say I tried -- I didn't deliberately set out to do so -- with exception of when I was 21... I had a nervous break down.  But I often didn't care one way or another.  But God kept me alive.  He knew that I was needed for something.  I still do not know what that purpose was.  I used to think that it was for the counseling that I did - but those days are over.  Maybe it was for the ones that I helped.  However, I'm still here.  I've just really not been wanting to deal with anything here lately.  I suppose that it is good that I realized that today.  I have gone for months and not known what was going on.  Hell, to be honest, I've gone for years and not really had a real feeling because of my meds.  While I was on one of my meds, I really did not feel anything like I do now for almost six years.  That's scary when I think about it.  It's difficult to track when you have fibromyalgia - because tracking isn't something that you do well.  

I really dislike holidays.  I spent some time with a friend today but virtually I always end up alone in the end.  I have a difficult time thinking, believing that things will ever end any other way than this.  However that is how I'm feeling right now -- I don't know what God has in store for me.  I can't sense Him right now - I don't know what He is working on, I just try to do my part, as best I can and be the best person I know how to be -- and pray when I can. It's not been real often here lately, I've been hiding.  I did a lot of that as a child too- and that's become a defect of mine.  I've got some serious financial difficulties coming up.  I've shopped myself into a problem.  I'm going to have to pay the piper now and I don't know how I'm going to do it.  I'm scared, and I don't know what is going to happen.  I'm probably going to have to stop paying some of my bills because I have to eat.  There just isn't much I can do about that.  I've got a real problem with the spending.  It's got to stop.  It's time to call a halt on something.  I've got to face reality now.  I've been very irresponsible.  I don't know that it's that per se, it's the addiction, I don't know if I can stop.  It's really hard when you're hurting and can't deal with it and have no support system.  

I wish someone would try what I'm going through and let me know how they do it.  I'ts absolute hell.  The only place I get good feelings is shopping.  Every other aspect of my life is either lonesome or somehow painful.  It seems to be.  Like doc says - "you are alone, and it's not supposed to be like this".  He's alsolutely right.  It's excruciating at times.  Sometimes it's tolerable, but most of the time, it's pretty awful.  I envy my friends.  they have no idea  what it's like of they'd do something.  I would if I were they're friend.  It's very interesting.  It is always different on the needful end of things.  

I will keep my head up - and try to process things as they come.  In all earnestness what else can we do?  My finances turned out better than I expected - I'm broke but I got every one paid.  That's always my greatest fear, that someone won't get paid.  I'm a responsible spending addict - what an oxymoron.   Oh believe you me - I'm a walking contradiction --- I'm sure.  I do really try.  Being someone that is of integrity is very important to me.  That doesn't mean that I have to have money --- it pertains to how I carry myself.  People can be broke ---- and feel like the richest person on earth --- it's all about perspective.  I won't give you the glass deal but I will challenge you to try to live your life with attention, be mindful and  to it as it comes.  Yesterday is just that behind you.  Tomorrow --- well that will take care of itself when it arrives.  Live fully as best you can - and make it your aim to be especially kind.  Give of yourself to people less fortunate than yourself.  Be courteous to each and everyone.  Look and see awe and wonder in your everyday life --- you will find it.  Jesus will show it to you is you have faith that it exists.  

Challenge your self and your faith today --- push to be present and mindful.  Jesus will meet you there.  Arms wide open.  

In grace,
Gina


Metamorphosis









A caterpillar to a butterfly.




 I've not written in some time.  There's much on my mind - and several things pulling at my heart.  As most of you know, when I delve into something, I do not do so lightly.  I've shared that I am in process with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing)  therapy with an amazing psychologist and that we're "remapping" memories.  I'll simplify it as much as I can - by activating both frontal lobes of the brain quickly(with hand movement) - and recalling a traumatic event - until you process through (which can take quite a bit of time) until the memory is no longer unpleasant... The process also builds layer upon layer of positive affirmations and unhinges beliefs associated with said trauma, to replace the once negative memory with a positive experience.  Now that's a mouthful.  Basically I follow doc's movement with my eyes, and it activates the frontal lobes left, then right quite quickly - as I recall painful memories.  Sometimes I have physical pain with it, sometimes I have headaches - it's really kind of wild.  I'm very grateful for this.  Doctor is a gift from God, I know because I'm healing in a way that I've never healed before.  He has had answers that I have needed that have burdened my soul for years.

What is really interesting however, as is my behavior during this period.  I have a difficult time staying "stable".  It's actually quite normal (whatever that is, I've never known normal) to exhibit irregular behaviors when doing this kind of work.  I wanted to write about loneliness - because my life is pretty empty however, it is getting better.  I'm digressing, and I apologize.  I've been really sick for the last two weeks, really sick.  Most of  you know about my spending -- and that aberrant behavior.  Well, it continues.  Often times I feel like a big ballon in a small casing-- there just isn't enough room for me here.  I'm too big.  My personality, my presence, my thoughts, everything about me is just too big.  I overwhelm people - straight out of the gate.  Everyone but my one friend - and I am so thankful for her!!!  We've both got big personalities, and we're learning to be okay around each other.  I love that -- that is the coolest thing to me, in the world.  That level of acceptance.  Don't you agree?

I've talked to doc about my yearning to just want to be special to someone.  I don't think that this is an unusual request - or an unattainable goal.  I have felt this way for a long while now.  Few people could handle spending the copious amounts of time that I spend alone.  I don't even believe that it's healthy - we aren't meant to be so alone.  It is not what I would choose - if given a choice.  Doc says that it wouldn't be good for me right at this particular juncture to be in relationship- and I do understand,  it doesn't mean that I have to like it.  An if I'm really completely honest with myself - I'm still hiding from the world.  I'm still stuck.  I vacillate back and forth between fight, flight, and frozen.


I really wanted to be somewhere else last week, or someone else.  My own insides were distasteful.   I don't know if anyone else can relate to that - but sometimes being "me" ain't all that it's cut out to be.  For one thing - I turned 55.  When I look back at my life, what do I have to show for it?  Not much.  I didn't die.  And, I've witnessed miracles.  That says a great deal -----right there.   You guys know that for all intensive purposes I should be dead ---- the multiple times that I've woken up on the floor, where I've passed out and hit my head from taking way too many narcotics.  I used to mix fentanyl  with morphine and Xanax -- sometimes there were other chemicals as well.  I think back to those times now, and I am filled with gratitude. I know that sounds like a crazy person said that --- but I'm completely sane, however -- this gives me a completely different perspective - which is exactly what I'm needing at this moment.  Thank God!!

I was introduced to drugs at the ripe age of eleven years old.  I was a full-blown addict by age 18.  I was already out of control before I was even an adult.  As I sit here today criticizing myself for slow progress -I have to remember where I came from.  I have to remember what I've been through.  If it weren't for the grace of God, I wouldn't even be here.  I loose sight of things sometimes.  I suppose we all do.  Doc and I have been working on some really difficult memories.  These specific memories have plagued me and have negatively shaped a part of my life that is in dire need of transformation.  That kind of change on that level --- is never easy.  It's okay though.  I'm strong, I can get through this, my Jesus knows how.  If I couldn't make it, it wouldn't be happening.

I realize that I just processed myself "out loud" for the whole world to read - but you know what?  I don't care.  Someone needs to read this.  That's what I feel.  Someone, somewhere else feels too big on the inside and they need to know that they're not alone.  I believe it's just that we're full of possibilities!  We're full of potential! We're full of passion.  I know that I am.  And I'm full of love.  Unconditional love for people.  Even the one's that will judge me for daring to write something like this and publish it.  But --- that's just me.  Please know that this is vey hard work, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  Processing through traumatic events such as I am - can often trigger many past feelings, behaviors, and thought processes.  What I'm attempting to do is hard work.  I forget that.  I'm real hard on myself.  I always have been.  I don't need anyone else to criticize me, I do great all by myself.  The greatest thing I can do, is do this work, and be gentle with myself.  This would be the greatest gift.

Those of you that actually read this all the way through -- I thank you.  May God bless you and keep you ----this is my prayer ---right in the palm of His hand.  Grace and Peace all the days of your life.... until next time...  Gina

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

High Anxiety....




I've been quite anxious lately, all the while, fully knowing that anxiety is: wishing or hoping that the present moment be something that it is, or cannot be.  It's almost like a wish.  It's acquiescence in reverse.  When we don't accept where we are, what we are, what this present moment brings -- it produces anxiety.  I've not been able to sleep really - all because of my inability to process or let go of what my mental processes are.  It's is amazing to me how much power we give our minds.

Most folks don't understand that "blind" thought is just that --- blind thought.  It cannot in absolute be trusted.  They are just thoughts.  It Does NOT make it reality.   I have at different times in my life, shared this with people and gotten looks from them, that would really amaze you.  I suppose although fairly simple the concept it seems to me, this isn't information that everyone has.  Our thoughts are random.  What generates them is from our beliefs, our history, genetics, and more.  It has nothing to do with hard facts.  There are hard facts that we learn, but even at that, some of those are "theories" from other people.  Reality is relative.  It's multidimensional.  Seriously.  It's quite intense actually.  Most of us think that we have a grip on it, but it is transforms steadily.  An it does so for each individual.  This is why it is so important that we understand and practice acceptance, awareness, and empathy.  Simply because or in light of the fact that you are awake in your reality --- does NOT have anything to do, say, or reveal what another person's reality may be...unless they share their's with you.   We ASSUME so much in life.  An we're bad at it even.  Some folks are so close-minded they will never even be enlightened enough to engulf these concepts.  We are a dynamic lot... we humans.

All of this totally amazes me when I reflect upon Jesus, in human form.  What He must have went through.  His emotions, His empathy, His suffering.  An I admit that with my childhood history --- and my intellect being what it is, (the majority of my being ) I struggle with feeling connected still.  Oh, I can psychologically sense a connection, but to emotionally rely?  This is too frightening.  I've had FEW and I mean few humans that I've ever depended upon for security, or any kind of safety.  They have always failed me.  An actually - they will fail--- how ridiculous  - they are human, and cannot help but fail.  As I have shared before - WE ARE ALL WOUNDED in one way or another --- but you know what?  As I learned in the psych ward --- broken crayons still color!!!  It's all okay - and we arrive again at acceptance.






Acceptance, the consumption of the concept has been a huge part of my soul's journey.  I will not say that I am a master, for I am not.  However, I do and am able to walk myself through the process of acceptance when needed, and this is because of Alcoholic's Anon.  It saved my life.  If it not for the 12- steps, as well as working them diligently -- (with God of course) I would not be alive today to write anything.  There is something miraculous that happens in that process - I'm proof positive.  It's principles, it's process brought me through the most difficult period of my life, when I did not know how to live, it gave me a way,  and introduced me to a power greater than myself that I could accept.  I owe a great deal, if not everything to A.A.  It and the miracles that it contains - have been my saving grace before I found The Finished Work Christianity - and the Grace therein contained.  I've been through such a transformation -- most people would not even believe who I was.  Addicted at 17 - afraid to breathe - here I am now writing about life.  It's miraculous.

I'd read my bible as a young girl, and I'd read where it said, "My peace I give to you"... but I did not understand.  I still struggle with worry and anxiety - at times.  However I believe it is mostly self-propelled.  I am at peace in my heart - because I know my Jesus SITS at the right hand of the Father.  As long as Jesus is sitting down, and undisturbed, I'm fine.  When I remember this.  It is my flesh that is weak, and my human condition that is to fault.  Those times when I want something other than what I have... I become anxious.  It usually only takes a prayer, a scripture or a phone call for it to subside.  I'm very fortunate.  His peace, He DID give to me, Praise God!!!  I have it.




I loose sight sometimes.  We all do.  I am tremendously grateful for my life.  I am so blessed.  I've seen miracles, and not everyone can say this.  Jesus is my redeemer - and I have been redeemed.  I'm not who I was.  I'm not anything like -- who I was.  An I owe most all of it to Jesus.  The time around the tables of A.A. helped me accept who and what I was.  But Jesus fueled the whole fire.  Hallelujah!!

As we go through this difficult life in these days with little connection, and less and less sense of community - it is going to become more important to have a relationship with God.  I'm not talking religion -- I'm not religious.  At all.  I'm talking relationship.  Look back at my past (say two years ago) blogs - "Grace 101" and it explains as best I know how, to learn of what I speak.  Grace has completely set me free from condemnation, shame, and guilt that I carried for so many years.  And His name is Jesus.

Live life and see good days -- may the favor of God be upon you.  Grace an Peace to you all always-- that is my prayer... until next time,
Gina

Monday, May 22, 2017

Facing Fear

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot do."



 
I quite like this quote, and I admire Eleanor Roosevelt.  I have faced many a fear in my life - I've taught myself how to navigate major cities by myself on three separate occasions.  Well, me and God.  I certainly prayed my way through and was quite certainly terrified.  I had all of my worst fears come to fruition in one day in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in a blinding snow storm.  I was lost, my windshield wipers stopped working, I went UP and OFF ramp - and my car died.  It still didn't kill me.  : )  I was, however - emotionally exhausted when I got home, but thankful.  


Life is odd.  Our development in it is peculiar as well.  Our emotional states ebb and flow.  We can be at what seems like our mountain top at one time in our lives and virtually feel as if we're sinking at another point.  I am struggling with some of life's simpler things - the barest of essentials, decision making, and facing fears.  This may seem quite rudimental to some, but if you've ever battled with depression or anxiety --- then you'll know first hand how difficult it can be.  My plight as of late has been a loss of connection with any type of community - feeling alienated from life period.  An as I've mentioned before -- I know that if I'm going thru this, then there's others as well.  

Our society has gone through a huge transformation.  It's this digital age.  We no longer have 'real' friends, we have 'virtual' ones.  I don't know about anyone else, but this just doesn't cut it with me.  

I don't believe that this is healthy - nor is it beneficial for our souls growth.  Oh, most folks walk around like they're all ok, but I don't believe that they are.  I don't believe that the majority of us are as healthy, whole, contented, nor fulfilled as we "pretend" to be.  We weren't designed to accept or even have access to as much information as we are bombarded with on a daily basis -- and I think it causes a continual state of overwhelm in most people... it's just that no one is saying anything.  We've become, robotic.  I don't know about you, but this does not sit well with my spirit.  Nor my soul.  

See, I'm here, on this universe for my soul's evolution.  What I mean by that is, life is a journey.  It is a journey that we all take.  Hopefully we take it with some awareness of our experience of who we are, who we're becoming, who we aspire to be, and how we affect our fellow man.  We do not live on an Island.  What we do, or do not do -- it affects our neighbor.  Just like ripples in an ocean.  I'm not professing anything that isn't already known - but do we think of it often?  Or are we so self-centered and mindless that we think that the world revolves around us?  I sure hope not.  Many people that I see out in the world - seem to not be able to see past their phones.  I find this disarming.  God did not place us on this earth, for this kind of self-centered, mindless, ridiculous behavior.  

Therefore, it is no wonder I struggle with loneliness, isolation, and lack of community.  I am all too aware of what's out there.  Attempting to interact with this society is brutal.  More often than not -- you're not going to be able to make a friend.  Why?  Most likely because their phone is their constant companion.  People don't need people anymore.  Or at least they think they don't.  They're seriously mistaken.  This is why there were so many people in the locked unit at the hospital.  I was blown away at the amount of people there... and it's only going to get worse.  People on this earth are walking wounded... and have no one to interact with nor to get their needs met - and they don't even know it.  They believe they can get whatever they need through an app or via social media --- and they are so very disillusioned.

I am a empath, and a truth seeker.  I am intense.  I do things with great passion.  It is who I am.  I need people, despite the fact that I've always thought of myself as a lone wolf - I need people in my life for feedback.  It is despicably unfortunate that I now have to pay pretty much ever last person that is in my life - to be there.  But this is where society has taken us.  It makes me feel sick inside.  It must also make God cry.  I'll say again, He did NOT place us on this earth for this.  My heart aches for His.  

My hope, my grandest aspiration is that you put down your phone.  Or at least use it to call someone.  Make plans to do something face to face, and leave your phone alone.  Respect them enough to give them your full attention, and you might be surprised at how good you feel after you're done.  I had the immense pleasure of spending the afternoon with an old friend yesterday - and it was wonderful.  It was just what I'd been needing.  Human interaction without interruption.   How glorious.  God truly blessed me yesterday.  My hope is that you can (or have) the same experience.  

As for me, I'm going to get out there this week, and face my fears with Ms. Roosevelt in mind.  I don't believe it's too late for things to turn around, and I don't think that this world is going to self-destruct yet.  I'll never give up my hope.  

God's grace to you all.      


Saturday, May 13, 2017

Facing Darkness, Finding Hope

I was just released from the hospital last evening.  Depression had it's way with me, despite my greatest fight.  Sometimes even those of us that seem to have stellar hope, and strong faith - have to admit we've met a challenge we cannot surmount.  I'd been wrangling with the hope fight for a few weeks.  Oft times, as we gain in the process towards healing - we can have a backlash of pure fear.  This was the case for me.  Despite my best effort, the mental and emotional barrage got the best of me.  I just kept coming up empty in my attempts to see through - the finances, the courage that was needed to do what was being asked of me, and my internal dialogue.

Going into a mental "locked" institution is truly a shock to your psyche.  You are stripped of each and everything that makes you, you.  An I mean ---- stripped.  You have no awareness of time -- other than when meals are served, or groups are held, unless you go to the nurses station.  I was taken off all of my medications for a full 24 hour period and was in excruciating pain.  Unable to think, hardly able to move, I lay in bed most of this time, which allows for much contemplation.  Much of this time was spent however, in pure agony because of physical and emotional pain.  Such a shock to the system, and quite hard to comprehend it's purpose --- you tend to revolt.  Being that I had went in voluntarily -- I soon wanted out.  However, this is not the way things work.  The best that I could do, was hold on to what scriptures that I knew from memory -- and short "Help me Jesus" - prayers.

In this day and age so many people are addicted to their medications.... which I discovered was in part the reasons for removal of meds. This impart and also the wait to see the Psychiatrist to make necessary changes to said medications.  The wait was brutal.  Yet, I did endure it, I did make it through it - by the grace of God.  An even when I did receive my medications, often they were given late, my pain out of control, and unable to regain control of it because of the mismanagement of my meds.  During this time, you do the best that you can, and pray for the time when you'll find relief again.

What I was ever so aware of was that mental illness is rampant and I am a blessed individual.  Once I got past the initial 24 hour period, although still unable to fully think clearly - I attempted to participate in program activities.  I had gone to seek help/hope and I intended to participate as best as my mind could function.  I did so to the best of my ability.

What I gained from this experience is an enormity of gratitude for my life.  Gratitude for the things that were taken from me upon arrival.  Time.  My life.  My home.  My friends.  My cat.  My bible.  Choices.  Almost too many things to account.

I've contemplated since coming home the issues that perhaps brought me to this presuppose - and I had not acknowledged within me the anniversary of my Father's death, the tragedy of his passing.  I actually thought that this year it would be different - and it wouldn't hit me so hard.  I think it was "wishful" thinking....and in all actuality, I was not processing it, at all.  It's okay - sometimes things sneak up on us.  I have also noticed that I have been going between two worlds - and I know that I cannot keep doing this.

I've been going to a day type of treatment program -- which was required by my psych nurse.  I also have things/goals to achieve from Doc that are on a higher functioning level.  It feels like one is on a completely different level - than the other.  I feel as if I am being pulled into two totally opposite directions.  One higher functioning, one lower.  I understand why said goals were set - but I cannot continue in both levels.  It is confusing my psyche.  I need to remain on the higher functioning level - and stay there... and I recognize this.  An after this hospitalization --- I am certain of what I need.  This will require me to take action steps that I have thus far been unwilling to take, and by unwilling --- I mean afraid.  I've let fear and my comfort in isolation keep me stuck.  This is going to end.

I yearned for my bible while in the hospital --- I am so grateful to be home where I can feed on God's word again - and I am going to church tomorrow, regardless.  I've been indulging in doing exactly what I want -- and it has gotten me nowhere but sick.  I have got to do what needs to be done, and stand on God's Word for strength.  I can do what's being asked of me, if I swallow my pride - and face my fears.  Pride goest before the fall.... and that's what I did, I fell.

I apologize that this is so much about me --- I write in hope's that someone will understand - and can relate - and perhaps realize that even asking for help is OKAY.  No, being hospitalized is not easy.  It's hard.  But sometimes it has to be done.  I was contemplating suicide.  I had been for two weeks or so - on and off.  Thank goodness, I told someone before I actually made a plan or worse yet ---- acted it out.

AS with everything - there is a reason that this happened -- and yeah, I hit a bottom again.  It's okay.  I had a nurse there --- that probably helped me more than she'll ever know.  God put her there.  To be accepted, even in that state -- means everything.  That's exactly what she did.  Lovingly accepted me, as bad as I felt, in my then, state of mind.  Thank God for you sister.  There were a few people there that knew me, and were genuinely concerned about me.  I am not as alone as I oft think...  and neither are you.

Depression is ugly.  It lies to us.  It tries to tell us that we're nothing, and that we mean nothing to anyone.  It tells us we're broken, never to be made whole again.  Lies, all LIES!!!  Fight is with every fiber of your being.  Talk back to it ---- do something that you really enjoy - tell someone what is going on in your head.  Our worse enemy is our mind.  Albert Einstein said,  “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.”  I totally believe this is true.  We need intervention/help.  

So no matter what you are facing today/tomorrow --- remember you are not alone.  God will always hear you - and He answers prayer.  People care more than you think.  We cannot always believe what our minds tell us about ourselves.  Yes, pain is difficult, sometimes it's devastating -  I know.  But it doesn't last forever, I promise.  Sometimes all you need to do is say, "Jesus."

If you comment, I will answer you.  Thanks for reading -- God Bless you all.  <3



Friday, May 5, 2017

Quintessential Change

This beautiful passage found it's way to me yesterday morning.  I think we can all attest to it's rare beauty, raw authenticity, and voluptuous truth.  As for it's author, I am always, always in awe of Ms. Williamson's silken profundity.  Her words like velvet to the mind.  Her heart, always open, sharing her uttermost being with integrity and genuine risk.  Her universal voice speaks with love of and to mankind, with miracles in mind.  Her message, although not arduous, is that of love - period.  I've read four of her books, and adored each and every one.  Most I've read more than once, and have given them as gifts to treasured friends.  "The Gift of Change" - being the first, and, "A Return to Love", and also, "Illuminata - A Return to Prayer".  I would encourage anyone to read any of these publications, they are illuminating.

I had my session with Doc  - and I've been in rapid change cycles for the last two weeks. The messages, what I read in the Word, and the things that evolve in my life are just mind blowing.  I know intrinsically that I am right in the heart of my healing process.  It feels kind of wonderful and scary - all at the same time.  We are a conformed people, and what I mean by that is, that even though there are things that aren't good for us, don't feel good to us, we'll do them over, and over because they're familiar.  Most people had rather just stay the same as to risk change.  Change isn't easy - there are multiple factors involved, and often --- emotional pain from grief.  Each and everything that we let go of - is an actual (whether or not we acknowledge it or not) physical or emotional loss.  With change comes transformation - we become different human beings.  Hopefully, we become better - either in our thinking, emoting, perception, health, or prosperity.  However, not everyone can actually see change in this light.  Most people fear change, and therefor avoid it to their own demise.  An I state that because as humans we're hardwired for change, and to attempt to derail that process is futile.  In my humble opinion, we are born to adapt.  Adaptation is essential to/for us or we become dis-eased.  Alcoholism, addiction, cancer, etc.  The stress of not adapting I truly believe, will eventually destroy.

I am on the opposite of the spectrum.  I process in an attempt to seek change out of perceived brokenness because of my traumatic past. However, I over function in the seeking, due to a faulty belief system instilled in me from my childhood. I was never enough - ever.  The really sad thing is I haven't (YET) made peace with this.  I say this to say, they're aren't always concrete "blatant" answers.  Even though we may think we know what we need, sometimes it comes quite slowly - and it may come from a source that you never imagined.  An sometimes it's in the act of feverishly seeking that you'll never find your answers.  It usually comes through letting go, or just plain acceptance.  This is what I am finding.  I've sought 'the answers' so hard that my consequences and my dysfunctional behaviors have overtaken my life, at times.   This my friends, is never good.

Being an intelligent person is usually a positive thing.  However, when we think so hard we loose sight of God - it's never good.  This is what happens to me - and I know if is is my experience, I'm not alone.  This is why is so essential for me to stay grounded in the Word (Jesus) of God daily - because without my even recognizing it - I can and will head off into territory of the mind (body and spirit) where I have no business.  I'm not just talking about being disobedient.  There's that too, but I humbly admit --- I forget that I NEED God----BAD.  Because left to my own devices, I will crash and burn.  Jesus is The light, The truth, and The way --- and all of my healing has (and will) come through Him.   I will never, ever be perfect.  That isn't the point  folks.  No wear near.  Albeit --- my heart yearns for WHOLENESS.  It's been my quest since the beginning of addiction recovery - some 24 years ago.  I do know unequivocally, that I am close - so very, very, close now.  An I praise God for this.  My path has not been an easy one... but I wouldn't change any of it.  It has made me who I am, an even if I am not quite completely where I would like to be --- I like who I have become in and through this journey.  I owe so much to Jesus Christ.  An I will again give of what he's given me, as I try to do here, of my life in testimony, for Him.  I shouldn't even be alive.  Many a miracle I have  witnessed.  There's  more yet to come.  Praise GOD!!!!

Please listen to this video - the beginning of it is so beautiful - and explain so much our inmate need for Christ.  As always - you're all in my thoughts and prayers - I'll share with you again soon - God's precious grace and bountiful favor be upon you each and everyday of your lives.  God Bless 💖💗💖💕


 


Monday, April 24, 2017

Pray When it Hurts the Most.




 It's been a little while since I've written.  Much has transpired.  There is just no way that I can communicate everything - but I will certainly attempt to hit the high points... and those things that have been most meaningful for me.  I do this in hopes that I can impart something of value to you...through my experience.  This is my prayer.

I've still been in a deep place of what feels like a devastating "draught", a lack of human companionship up until these last few days.  Despite my attempting to initiate some volunteer opportunities, other than those that are paid to interact with me, I have had little contact with people.  I have been to a few places, the V.A., the library, and a nursing home close to me - in hopes of obtaining a volunteer position, with no luck.  I did get a response from the nursing home, but I got sick and couldn't go - and of course I felt bad, and didn't go back.  I need to reconnect with the woman that I saw, because there is need there.

This draught, and huge lacking of interaction with people has driven me into the Word of God - and daily conversations, prayer, with Him.  This has been the best thing that I could have done, and literally the only answer that I had.  Please don't look at this/that like --- He was the last resort, because I surely don't mean it that way.  God has always been here/there for me.  If you read what I write, you'll know - my history with the Father goes way back - but since my beloved pastor moved to California -- I have been pretty devastated.

 I was quite transformed by Grace.  Actually, completely transformed by the New Testament.  I didn't really know that it existed - and that's sad to say - after all the years that I'd been in church.  However, I know that right now, there are people that don't really know that the New Covenant exists - and what that means... to them relationally - by faith- or to them personally.  An I say that because IT"S HUGE!!!!  I think that a lot of churches just stop preaching Jesus after Easter and the resurrection of Jesus - but the resurrection is EVERYTHING !!!  It's is His coming back to life that we live for - and through!!!  It's not just that He died (although this is triumphant ), we must learn to understand what it means that He resurrected!! Because it is through His resurrection that we gain our inheritance - and life in Him.  It's how He took away what was against us, in our way, and contrary to us.  It is how we live with Him - alive today.  If that doesn't make sense to you - message me - comment, and I will gladly explain.............!  It would put joy in my heart.

However this is not my topic today.  I want to share with you about praying when if "feels" like you cannot.  Praying when everything inside you (flesh) is telling you that God "left the building"...  An I say this because as humans, we feel things.  It's natural.  Jesus had feelings when He was here on earth - the bible tells us He did.  Remember the shortest scripture ? "Jesus wept."  ?  Yes, He too had feelings.  Some of us, not all - we kind of live threw or in accordance with, our feelings.  Sometimes they get overwhelming - mine do.  When I'm really hurting - I tend to "feel" heavy feelings - and it is sometimes impossible to feel/sense the holy spirit.  I just can't sense God with me.  That's the thing.  God isn't a feeling.  He's Substance.  He's Truth.  He's the Way, and the Life.  One thing that He isn't - is a feeling.  We get this confused sometimes  We look for Him in the wrong places.  We seek validation and conformation where it cannot be found.  An when our hearts are hurting, it's hard to believe.  I'm not sure exactly why that is, but it's true.

I recently did kind of an experiment, and completed an assignment that I had from my Doctor - which was to move my Dad's memory box from my office... Doc felt like it was pulling all of my grief into it, and that it was not allowing me to move forward.  One of the things that has been so difficult for me when my Dad passed was feelings of vulnerability in the world.  I felt so all alone, so devastated. Dad had always been there for me, and I did not know how to "be" in the world without my Dad.  So as I've been going through this process - I did what Doc asked and I sat an allowed myself to actually feel vulnerable.           It was extremely painful.  I cried for a long time.  Hard.  However, I realized when I was about halfway through, it was just a feeling.  It was intense, but it was still, just feelings -   No one came to hurt me.  There weren't any predators knocking at my door just waiting to pounce!  An most of all, I DIDN"T DIE!  As crazy as that may sound, that is what my crazy thoughts had been.  "If you allow yourself to feel that.... YOU"LL DIE!"

I highly recommend for a person to experience that. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable.  It really released me.  A huge burden has been lifted off of me.  This stems from my childhood - where it was never safe.  Vulnerability was death.  Anything but control (and knowing) was the end of me.  But those days are behind me now.  Praise God!!!  An I'm SO ready to move forward.  That act of experiencing those feelings that were forbidden, was a transformation for me.  I don't know that I knew that then - but after I knew.  I did know enough that when I was in that horrible pain to thank God for it.  Yes, that's what I said, I praised God -- all the way through that pain.  I've done that pretty much my whole life - because pain changes us.  It's a catalyst.  During those times of devastating, nasty, gut wrenching, ugly face crying --- is when I seek my Father's face!  It is when I need Him the most!!  He is the only One that I want to see.  I need His heart to heal me.  Especially when I am dealing with issues of  my childhood.  He will not forsake you!  He will never leave you!  Oh, humans will leave you.  I'll tell you that.  In a heartbeat.  But God will not.  Praise Him, thank Him for your pain, acknowledge Him - and He will heal your heart!  I'm living proof!!!

So with renewed hope, and a wellspring of freshness in my heart - I acknowledge the transformation that is alive in me.  Please know - the power to change and grow is just as alive in you.  If I can be released from my burdens, as devastating as mine have been - and as long as I've been burdened - so can you.  Yes, change can be- and is often scary.  We must remember that we are never alone, and lean not on our understanding - because our limitations are many.  Our finite minds cannot comprehend God - and we need to stop trying to, and let God be God, relax and watch Him work His miracles in our lives.  Is God still in the miracle business?  Oh yes, my friend.  That's a resounding YES!!!  Read my transformation from religion to relationship - specifically "Grace 101".  It's all in there - in that area.  Find yourself a precious relationship with the Lord of Lord's and the King of King's.... a personal one, and find peace like you've never known.  You'll never be the same.



Thank you, Father God - for the beauty that is Your consuming heart.  Thank you for loving me, as only You can.  I'm humbled by Your mercy, and incapable of finding words for the never ending gift that is Your grace.  The peace that I have found in You - is priceless.  Lord I pray for those that I love, please keep them safe and sound - watch, guide, protect, and lead them into all righteousness Lord - and I pray blessings an bountiful favor over their lives.  Father, please touch all those that partake in my expressions - Father, show up in a mighty way in their lives.  Guide them, protect them, love them.  Father, lead us to all truth - and walk with us in peace.  These things Father, I ask in our Savior, Jesus's holy name, Amen!  




Saturday, April 8, 2017

To the Table


Zach Williams "To the Table"

I"m really down today - I'm not sure why - having a hard time just getting around, but as I do - God's music motivates me.  I really wanted to share this one with all of you.  Zach has really impacted me these last few months.  As I've struggled, in my christianity - and my addiction, feelings of worthiness - and my attempts to feel whole.  I think we all grapple with wanting to be "normal" what ever that really is.  But for me, the days --- not much unlike today, when I crawl out of bed and I'm in so much pain that my only motivating thoughts are to "get meds"... it doesn't make for a real great day.  It has me feeling weak, dependent, and small.  When I allow myself to ponder all of the physical things that I am battling, depression really sets in.  I have to fight it with every breath.

I do have to work harder than the average person to motivate myself to do most things.  Even to do something as simple as take a shower, or prepare a meal.  I hate to  p u s h.  And to be brutally honest,  there's been many times that I've questioned God why this is?  For those of you that think that we cannot dare question God, I say - I think He can handle it.  But then again, those dreaded "why" questions are useless.  For whatever reason, and this goes for your burdens too--- this is our life.  It most defiantly is up to us how we choose to deal with it/them.

I, myself have made a great many mistakes in my life.  The word "sin" broken down into the greek, means -"to miss the mark".  Sin and it's connotations really aren't as devilish - or evil as most people think.  This is not to say that there aren't really evil and devilish people in the world, because we all know that there are.  But for sake of my writing - the times that we make mistakes, or "miss the mark" with our behaviors, and what we do to ourselves on the inside -- it is often much, much worse than anything God would ever do to us.  We so often feel shame, guilt, anguish, separation, and even devastation because of the mistakes that we make.  We have been led to believe that God turns away from us when we fail.  Let me tell you, this is just not true.  It never has been.  I can say this because - there has always been forgiveness.  There's always been grace.  God knew when Eve ate the apple that we were going to be flawed.  As the song says (and I hope you listen to it carefully) there isn't anything that you've done that He hasn't heard before...

I wrote last time about shame.  Shame is like a fungus.  It loves the dark.  It lives to keep you imprisioned.  It has some big, scary, frightful feelings associated with it.  I know, I lived with it for many years.  But I also know that it can be healed.  Even if it has to happen in baby steps.  The course of action - matters little.  My hope will always be- that you comprehend and digest that God/Jesus are the epitome of Love.  Do you know that this is what we were put on earth, what we were created for???  For God to love us.  It's really that simple --- and that awesomely, amazingly beautiful.  It inspires such AWE and majesty inside of me most times that I get chill bumps.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, not even your mom or dad loves you that much.  It is just more than we can even fathom.

He is the sole creator of the emotion --- LOVE.

So, I hope that give you pause today.  My hope is that you'll join me in bringing your burdens, sorrows, flaws, problems, difficulties --- whatever the case may be -- to the table to HIM today.  It's so worth it.  You'll be made new.  You'll find hope and strength you didn't know existed.  In exchange for your sorrows, He will give you unending peace - joy - life everlasting.

Won't you come to the table?  My hope will always be -- that you do.  God Bless YOU!


Monday, March 27, 2017

I'm here.....and full of words.

Hello friends.  Much has transpired since I last wrote.  I will not bore you with the plethora of details - just know, it got much worse before my life got better.  However...the main thing that I want to communicate to you now is that it has gotten better --- SO much better.  Just a few details, I relapsed on chemicals (chemicals that I thought I'd never touch) after crossing paths with some pretty dysfunctional characters --- due to the depths of my loneliness.  Loneliness is and can be devastating - and it can truly propel you to make choices that you would not otherwise make, if your circumstances weren't as they are.  My shopping continued for some time, despite the absence of my cards - (they were programmed into my computer) and until I ripped the modem out - I literally could not stop.  I still shopped on my phone some despite horrible financial consequences.  I was really in a deep, dark, nasty place.  Returning to the use of drugs was really my wake up call - for if I am anything I am a truth seeking person - because I told on myself.  I always do.  I messed up a couple of times, but I'm drug free now - and the shopping has been arrested.  Praise Jesus!!!!!

My EMDR Doctor has proven to be a gift from God.  I am at this writing, attending co-occurring groups, a grief program, and some other therapies.  I knew that it was going to take an intervention of a pretty grand scale to stop my addictive cycle.  But, it has been arrested --- and I have been sober now for several weeks.  I am not really the type that "counts" because it's really one day at a time.  I did change some meds - and I discovered -- by accident that my emotions have literally been numbed for over six years.  I had to readjust  to feeling my emotions again, and it was quite difficult.  In the very beginning they kind of came out in "globs".  I was an emotional mess.

What is on my heart right now though is an article that I found this morning about daughters (or sons)  and the enormity of posts that I read through of lives that are damaged just like mine -- of people who have had mentally ill mothers.  Now I've read articles where others have had mean mothers, or mothers that didn't nurture their children -- but this is now becoming a mental health crisis...the amount of lives that have been shaped by this familial abuse.  I cannot convey what it does to my heart, and my soul.

We all think inside our own minds that the things that we struggle with, we struggle with alone.  We may have an inkling that others might be able to relate -- but it's so taboo - to have bad feelings to the one who gave you life.  Some of these woman have bore this burden half their lives, the pain, guilt, shame, rejection of self, and all of these things are piled on top of what the narcissistic or borderline personality disordered mother has told you you were.... all while you grapple with trying to grow up.

I'm overwhelmed with compassion.  Myself, still incapable of having a long-term relationship because of my inability to trust, attach properly, and feel secure.  I am a believer in healing, I work diligently at it - but I still find myself pondering if I will ever be able to totally heal.  I intrinsically knew(although she verbally told me) my mother did not love me.  I could feel her distain for me... and by age 10-11, I was asking my dad why Mommie didn't love me.  Of course it was denied, but being the intuitive that I was, I knew better.  I HAD to know things - it was not safe in my house to not to know what was going on.  I was so in tune with my mother, I think I was in my 20's until I unhooked the emotional umbilical cord.  I had a nervous breakdown at 21, and attempted suicide.

I've got to help these women.  Somehow.  I just don't think that I can rest, until I do.  There are so many broken humans - I have to give of what I have learned, else it has been for naught.

Shame is a nasty entity.  We still shun and hide the things that we are ashamed about - because that's what the shame tells us to do.  It can only keep living in the deepest, darkest places in our lives.  It fears exposure, because it knows that it will cease to exist once it's brought into the light.  We give it so much power in our lives, and it tells us with it's devilish voice that it's much more than just an emotion -- and we allow it to control us.  I know, I was a shame-based person.  I used to fully believe that I didn't even have a right to exist.  It controlled my every thought, my every action.  I cannot convey in words what lies those were.  Darkness cannot survive in the light.  The two cannot coexist - it's impossible.  The power of the pull to keep secrets is strong, but secrets keep us so very, very sick. Sick and separated from our fellow man.

We were put on this earth for each other,  we are "the brotherhood of man".  There have been times when I was counseling when my client's did not believe in themselves-- nor a power greater than themselves - they just didn't know how yet.  I would tell them, "until you can, you believe that I believe for you, and about you."  An it would oft times get them through.  Sometimes on shaky legs and broken hearts - we just need to know that someone cares.  This generation is far removed, it frightens me.  However, I'm still a believer, even after all that I've been through.  I'll never loose hope.  It's just not in me.  I hope you feel the same way.  I hope you have someone that you can count on, no matter what.  I hope you have a dream.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts/life/hope with you all.  I don't feel as alone.  I'd love to hear from some of you.  Cause I know that you hear me.
Regardless -- shed light on some of your shame with someone and watch it disappear.  It's so beautifully freeing.  I have faith in you --- and God does to.

So good to be back.  God Bless you all.......<3