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Pray When it Hurts the Most.

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It's been a little while since I've written.  Much has transpired.  There is just no way that I can communicate everything - but I will certainly attempt to hit the high points... and those things that have been most meaningful for me.  I do this in hopes that I can impart something of value to you...through my experience.  This is my prayer.

I've still been in a deep place of what feels like a devastating "draught", a lack of human companionship up until these last few days.  Despite my attempting to initiate some volunteer opportunities, other than those that are paid to interact with me, I have had little contact with people.  I have been to a few places, the V.A., the library, and a nursing home close to me - in hopes of obtaining a volunteer position, with no luck.  I did get a response from the nursing home, but I got sick and couldn't go - and of course I felt bad, and didn't go back.  I need to reconnect with the woman that I saw, because there…

To the Table

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Zach Williams "To the Table"

I"m really down today - I'm not sure why - having a hard time just getting around, but as I do - God's music motivates me.  I really wanted to share this one with all of you.  Zach has really impacted me these last few months.  As I've struggled, in my christianity - and my addiction, feelings of worthiness - and my attempts to feel whole.  I think we all grapple with wanting to be "normal" what ever that really is.  But for me, the days --- not much unlike today, when I crawl out of bed and I'm in so much pain that my only motivating thoughts are to "get meds"... it doesn't make for a real great day.  It has me feeling weak, dependent, and small.  When I allow myself to ponder all of the physical things that I am battling, depression really sets in.  I have to fight it with every breath.

I do have to work harder than the average person to motivate myself to do most things.  Even to do something as s…

I'm here.....and full of words.

Hello friends.  Much has transpired since I last wrote.  I will not bore you with the plethora of details - just know, it got much worse before my life got better.  However...the main thing that I want to communicate to you now is that it has gotten better --- SO much better.  Just a few details, I relapsed on chemicals (chemicals that I thought I'd never touch) after crossing paths with some pretty dysfunctional characters --- due to the depths of my loneliness.  Loneliness is and can be devastating - and it can truly propel you to make choices that you would not otherwise make, if your circumstances weren't as they are.  My shopping continued for some time, despite the absence of my cards - (they were programmed into my computer) and until I ripped the modem out - I literally could not stop.  I still shopped on my phone some despite horrible financial consequences.  I was really in a deep, dark, nasty place.  Returning to the use of drugs was really my wake up call - for if …