Out of Control

I'm angry.

I'm angrier at myself than anyone.

How could I have not known?

All of this horrendous struggle.  This never-ending search - the inability to stop seeking.

I'm embarrassed, I think - humbled and somewhat ashamed.

All of this time I thought myself powerless.  Yet, somewhere deep down inside- I knew better.  I haven't always been -  compulsive.  Why have I been these last years?  I mean, it isn't that I have never been impulsive -- I think we all have at one time or two in our lives --- but the last decade of my life?  Man.

Impulsive: Acting or done without forethought.

Compulsive: acting or result from an irresistible urge.

I wasn't even certain of the difference between the words myself until I defined them.  It's quite clear now.

I'm utterly disgusted.  At a loss for words even.  This is rare for me.

At first, it was Abilify.  I'm not even certain how many years I took it.  Of course, it just comes out now that it's caused compulsive behaviors in people.  I have what is characterized as "resistant" major depression - and what this means is that it doesn't respond to the typical medications.  Not only does it not respond and I have to take medications that boost my antidepressants, my medications usually will just stop working with no or little warning and will have to be completely changed.  It's always been this way with my depression.  When I was first diagnosed, I went through eight medication changes - and I still was not well.  It's was hell.


It's so confusing.   The Abilify helped so much!  For the first time, I felt "normal" - whatever that is.  Goodness, I did not know that bankruptcy came with it.  The thing that makes me angry is that via my providers --- I've been blamed for this.  "It's part of your pathology."  UH......... I never did it before!!!  It just so happened that I had circumstances in my life that increased my stress level, and I have an anxiety disorder - and I'm so adept at being blamed --- hell I blame myself for any bad behavior I have.  I don't need any help from the cheap seats.  I'm my own worst enemy!!! I've been told from the time I was big enough to understand how deficient I am.  It's a recording that's still in process of removing.

I did not sleep more than four hours a night for many, many years.  Now I knew that was my meds.  I wasn't like hyper or anything -- just unable to sleep enough.  This exacerbates everything. Yet, this was not normal for me.  Sorry about the "normal" reference again.  I have no idea what that word really means.... except when I use it in those types of circumstances --- like in sleep (8 hours).  I have usually had no difficulties with sleep.  As I go to finish this post - I have had little than 2 hours rest.

Abilify aided me in gaining 40 pounds.  It was, don't get me wrong here - in the beginning like a miracle medication.  It gave me copious amounts of energy.  A new zest for life.  A new passion and zeal for my future that just had not been there.  It relieved my depression symptoms where nothing else had.  I was so grateful.  Now here I am - all these years past - with my credit in shambles - for the second time, having had dangerous behavior in my history, few friends and now lost in a mire of the quandary wondering what just happened?

I don't know if I would have even known if the class action suit hadn't come up.  I then did the research on Rexulti - only to discover that it is the forerunner for Abilify.  GREAT!!  Pharmaceuticals!!  Rexulti even has a lovely gene mutation - for cancer.

I have a mixed bag of feelings.  I owe my Semi-wellbeing to these medications.  On one hand, I have been moderately nonsuicidal on these medications.  I also had an internal struggle like nobody's business.  I've spent thousands - hundreds of thousands.  I have been out of control on this medicine.  I think this is a side effect that someone should know about.  Of course, the legal system only recognizes gambling as concrete enough to actually sue these companies for damages.

I'm so disheartened.  I have all the while, been attempting to follow Christ.  I have been utterly (what feels like) failing.  How can a compulsive person with some of the behaviors that I have had -- be a new creation?  I mean of course we're human beings -- and God knows - but man.

I'm on my way off this mess.  I went to my provider yesterday and I started the process of titration.  It will take some time, but I'm removing this from my life.  I'm so tired - in the hole at the bank - which ordinarily I'd never do.  So much has been so out of character for me --- and I knew it.   How many times have I told people to follow their intuition?  But did I trust mine?  How utterly sad.

Please if you are on either of these medications -- and you are having uncontrollable behavior --- go to your provider.  Ask questions.  See about it.  Both Rexulti and Abilify causes compulsive behavior -- and I'm telling you now -- you think it's you.



Thank you, Jesus, for giving me knowledge - for my gaining understanding.  Father God - I pray for all who may need this message in their lives to receive it.  Let this message find a way, where there was no way.  I pray for blessing and favor for all who read it - and that follow my writings, Lord grant them peace that passes all understanding.  Amen.  

I found a new song -- and it's so beautiful - It speaks right to the heart of where I am, and what I want.

My hope is that you find yourself in this song too.

Until next time,
God Bless,
G.

Even though, Even if....

I love eagles. So majestic, so regal, so powerful.  I tend to think they're one of God's favorite creatures.  Being that eagles are mentioned in the Bible, it makes them just that much more of a magnificent animal to me.  I've seen a few of them in real life, and it was an amazing experience - one I'm not likely to forget anytime soon.  We have a place here where they like to soar, called Eagle Point.  The last time that I went there, for some reason it was inundated with them, flying, swooping overhead.  I didn't have a camera - but you can bet the memory is etched in and one I'm not likely to forget.

I am feeling better, by the grace of God, than I was the last time that I wrote.  I almost feel like apologizing for my last post - I was in such a deep depression.  It is difficult to look back now at where I was.  That particular Sunday felt like hitting a bottom emotionally, and I suppose that's what it was albeit, those types of things are never easy to admit.  We all have our "I can't take this any longer" - moments -- and that sure felt like that was mine.  Perhaps it was.  I hadn't exactly been taking the best possible care of myself - spiritually and when I don't things like that can happen.  Especially for those of us who's intellect runs amuck.  I'd just written that "understanding doesn't bring peace" -- but, that is taking its sweet time sinking in.   That concept is going to have to burn its way through because of my childhood coping skills.  Those pesky little devils that got me through then are now my own worst enemies now.  They're hard to shake.

I have recently become ultra aware of what damage our dream life (waking), inside our minds can do.        If one really thinks about this, we all live in (and continue to create), ongoing dreams of fantasy inside our minds.  This could be as simple as the dreams a young girl has when she meets her first "real" boyfriend, and the wishful fantasies of her wedding day - in high definition - inside her head.  Or it could be as simple as how we're going to make better choices with our spending habits - yet another dream, on our next payday.  If one thinks about it, our entire lives are completely consumed with envisioned, manufactured dreams.  When broken down to this level, it's really all about our hopes, and our wishes, of what we desire.  I dare to contend, it's a trap, a mental trap.

I recently attempted, one last time - and I do mean LAST time -- internet dating.  I went through a reputable site, one that I believed could be trusted.  I've (despairingly I say) had some bad experiences in past with online ventures - and I've had some good - so it's really been about 50/50.  I thought to myself, what's it going to hurt, one last time?  So off I ventured.  I placed an ad, and immediately had responses.  There seems to always be several men willing and interested in a woman such as myself -- most I  don't care to respond to.  This time one shining star - lept out.  He and I started conversating, quite intensely.  We corresponded for quite a while.  

Of course, it ended up that he wasn't real.  I thank God and only God that I'd protected the deepest part of myself from ultimately becoming engaged emotionally with him.  However, I did created many a dream.  As with any of us, the end of the correspondence meant the end of the dreams. Ending said dreams albeit with a real human being or one you're not sure of -- is a death of an idea, and a grieving we need to attend to.   Because we had our hopes and our visions wrapped up in these ideals, the letting go process needs to take place on some level in order for us to be honorable to ourselves.   Yes, one might say that they were merely thoughts, but they were thoughts enhanced with feelings, a hope, and a vision.  Depending on just how much of any of those three things depends upon how hard the "little death" will be.  For this is what happens when our dreams die.  I tend to think that people do not like to pay homage or respect to their dreams,  but I contend that it is the only emotionally respectful thing to do.  Otherwise, we're leaving things undone and not respecting our journies.

I particularly want to thank God.  First and foremost because He is the front, center, and the guiding force of my life.  I fell prey to my depression on my last post and I am apologetic for this.  My faith was not where and with whom it should have been.  Yes, this is a lean season for me right now -- but this is all that it is, a season.  "This too shall pass." I know in my heart of hearts this to be true.  My God never forsakes me. Just never, period.  It is I that pulls away from Him - and it is always, always my undoing.  Hope that is seen, is not hope.  We as humans want what we want, and we want it now. I'm as guilty as anyone of this.

God's timing - well I tend to think that God knows no time.  Perhaps a thousand years is a day.  We do not know.  What I am sure of, He has me in the palm of His hand.  Everything that is happening in my life - is so for a reason.  Trust, faith, patience, all concepts that aren't in accordance with human nature.  We are greedy, needy, ego centric beings, even when we try really hard not to be.  I'm rethinking this deal.  I may pull away in despair at times, feeling defeated - but you know what?  He is still ever so near me.  I can (and will) get through this.   I just happen to know --- who holds my future.  

"For all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!"
Romans 8:37-38 NIV

I hope you enjoy the video - please listen, it's so good.  God Bless all of you --- May God make a way in your lives where there was none, and may His mighty favor see you safely through this life!!!

Always,
Gina



                                                                                                                                                                                

Thoughts on loneliness

I don't know if I've ever written about how utterly devastating the emptiness that I feel at times because of the depth of separation I have from human beings.  I believe that I have shared some about my plight, but I do not think that I have gotten gut level honest -- as I am about to do right now.  In many aspects, it is embarrassing to admit, painful to acknowledge, and completely humbling to bring into the light.  I cannot even say with full clarity what my intentions are, nor what my motives might in sharing these brutal truths, other than the possibility of the chance that someone, somewhere connecting - or finding some sort of solace through the the utterance of my words.  Although writing is therapeutic for me, my hearts greatest desire is to engage someone's life - to encourage, enlighten, or lend hope.  However, at this particular juncture --- hope is not the highest of emotional positions of which I stand today.  I apologize ahead of time for this, I would just ask for to be allowed to be fully human and accepted right where I am.  I assure you, I would gladly do the same for you.  Know this.

I spent the biggest part of the day yesterday curled up, in a semi-fetal position sobbing.  An before anyone proceeds to gather - no, I was not indeed, merely feeling sorry for myself.  I rarely allow feelings of self-pity to take up residence in me, and the reason being is because I cannot emotionally afford it.  My plight in this life is to live with chronic, sometimes unbearable physical pain -- 24 hours - 7 days a week.  I have multiple conditions, issues that cause chronic/acute pain that I am powerless over.  This existence is not compatible with self-pity.  I just cannot allow myself to venture into that territory.  I would stay high on some sort of drug consistently if I did -- and I would have the perfect excuse, it's not like my disease doesn't whisper such entitlement in my ear as it stands.

However, yesterday was a day of emotional darkness like I hadn't felt in a long time.  If people even knew the degree of devastation and barrenness that my mind can take me to - my life would be different.  My lifelong friend did call - and her timing was perfect - she said that she just felt the need to see how I was dong.  God bless her, because I was not doing well, at all.  She said that she "just had a sense", and she sensed correctly - because I was engaged in some pretty foul thinking, as well as crying quite hard.  Her call helped me immensely.

I do not believe that we are meant to be nor exist on this planet alone.  I fully believe to do so is indeed, extremely painful.  I have yet to understand how it can be that I do have friends that know my plight - yet do not reach out to me more often.  That is not a judgment - it is merely a query.  I full well know that most folks focus in life is 97% - inward.  To me, that's a really scary thing.  I would really hate to be that self-absorbed.  I'm not certain if because of how I grew up --- having to be always on guard, and ultra hyper-aware in regards to my mother's mood swings, her actions, and her rages...but I think of my fellow man quite a bit.  This does not make me superior, in any way - it just makes me mindful.  I tend to think too, having been a counselor - I so often ponder what other's think.    In all reality - I tend to think TOO much, whether or not that be about life, people, circumstances, ideals, etc.  I've written before about my intellect being my undoing.  However, this has gotten some better because of Jesus.

I found myself yesterday at the bottom of an emotional abyss.  That deep, empty, emotional place where you are ultra alone - and you are most definitely aware of your plight .  As Doc tells me, "you are alone Gina", and he doesn't say this to be cruel, it's just the facts.  The real problem here, is how to find a solution.  What I have arrived at after lending myself to volunteer at (at least) five different agencies - to no avail - I don't have an answer.  Life these days is just difficult.  I believe that it's going to keep being difficult - and only going to get worse because of technology.  I'm not one to find texting - nor even phone calls that particularly stimulating as being with people face to face.  That's just me.  I have no problem admitting I need people.  It's not a bad thing - I think we all do.  An I think too, that this is a huge problem with the human race - people will not admit their needs, or short comings.  Everyone wants to be or have superpowers.  Invincible. Nothing wrong here!!  I got my phone!!!!!

How ultimately sad.  Sad that a piece of machinery is or has become so important.  A lifeline of sorts where human relations and relationship intimacy used to rein supreme.  The dark forces of this world must really be loving it.  It is the anthesis of human interaction, real friendships, connection -- real anything.  It hurts my heart.  I truly believe it will be our undoing.

I'm not blaming what I went through yesterday -- my loneliness --nor the lack of connection that I have on technology.  I do however, believe it plays a part.  Some of what I go through is simply because people don't do what they say that they're going to do -- which is as old as time it's self --- be a person of your word.  Because if your not, you're nothing. Our word is all that we have.  Stand by it as if you didn't you were going to die.  Purposely touch other peoples lives.  It's part of what we're here for.  We're not here to just fulfill our own desires and each and every whim that comes to mind.  Be kind and considerate to your fellow man.  Remember do unto others as you would have them do unto you???  Think about someone besides yourself every once in a while.  Doing, giving, and being present for others can totally open new and wonderful doors of your own life.  Plus it can give you a totally fresh perspective.  One that you'll never get if you never reach out and stretch yourself.

Most of all, reach out.  All of us know that certain someone that has few family members, and a small group of friends up which they depend upon.  If you say you're going to do something with them - follow through, if you can't, let them know.  That's just basic respect.  It goes both ways.  Be that person that can be counted on.  You'll make a huge difference in people's lives.

In the big schema of things we all just want to know that we matter.


God Bless ----- Thanks for reading.

                                          

Still Waters

It's been a minute since I've written.  It amazes me that even when I don't seek out God, and I'm lazy in my pursuit of Him - he yet comes to meet me.  I so often find things that are just for me, on the net - in books, in different forms of media when the holy spirit speaks directly to my spirt.  I'm often overwhelmed with peace, a sense of assurance, and sometime immense joy - at and in awe of just how God speaks to me.  I haven't been reading my daily readings.  I don't have a good excuse.  I'm a little bit afraid that I'm upset with God.  I have a hankering that I'm upset because a specific prayer continues to be unanswered.  I'm not 'purposely' upset - but it's like I can kind of feel a resentment building, and I cannot seem to stop it.  I've been praying this particular prayer for several years now - and I know that God will answer it, it's just that it's such a painful thing.  I've endured it about as long as it "feels" I can.  I know that God full well knows my circumstance --- and He will do what He believes is best, I just have to have faith - and keep going.  I will understand one day.

It's interesting that I arrived at understanding.  Every last thing with me is about understanding.  It was birthed from my childhood experiences.  I couldn't understand why my mother did not love me, and I believed (boy did I) that if I could just know why--- I could accept it.  Lots of humans dwell on the why's and where for's.  Yet, understanding why something happened does not change the circumstance or alter the substance in any way.  I used to ask a great deal of why questions.  I finally stopped doing that.  Now it's the need to fully comprehend everything.  An, that's not what having faith is about.  Sometimes life has to hit you between the eyes -- to help you see.

I actually stumbled across a post in Instagram that said "Understanding will never bring you peace." It was from the "Jesus Calling" a book of daily meditation by Sarah Young.  It hit me right between the eyes.   The passage kind of took my breath.   It's so true.  Understanding might give you a moment of illumination - but it doesn't bring peace.  As far as I know, and I've been around some 55 years --- Jesus is my peace.  He is the only thing that gives me peace.

I get so caught up in trying to figure this out, and figure that out -- that I forget who (whom?) my life force is directed from.  An that is what I get for not reading my bible daily.  An that is not a "have to do" thing -- please know -- my relationship with Jesus is much more out of love for Him, and a true natural desire to seek (and be in) His presence.  I just adore how it happens --- if I can describe if successfully.  When I am with Him, life is the stillest and most calm, serene place.  He comes to meet me like a magnificent warmth, a treasured old friend, and a majestic force.  Yet there is no sense of Him overtaking me, the atmosphere is so still and calm as the stillest of waters.  At this precise moment I am whole.  He is my All in All - and I am Him.  Not in a grandiose way, but with all humility - and meekness.  We are of one Spirit.  It is unlike anything else, ever.  I adore it, and I never want it to end.  He is my strength, my courage, my hope, and my praise.  I am able to pray unlike any other time, in spirit.  I am in awe.

I don't know why (here I go again) I would not seek this all the time.  We are funny human beings.  We often run to what is bad, chaotic for us- and run away from what is wholesome -- don't ask me why.  We're an odd lot.  At least I know I am.  I suppose when one grows up with such dysfunction -- love, connection, warmth, stillness, and hope are quite the opposite of what we seek.  I am learning!!!

It's taking some time for this nose surgery to heal.  The four hour surgery has taken it's toll on my body,  I've been really tired as of late.  The brain hasn't been affected too much--- of course, it's ever evolving but the body sure has been beaten up.  It's been an ordeal going through it with not having the pain meds to match it --- but I made it.  I was quite angry in the beginning - but I've worked through that too.  There just is no point in being angry -- even if I do confront the Doctor -- nothing's going to change.  I abhor, and I mean abhor people that are dead set against change.  Life is change --- our cells renew ever 24 hours---- resistance to change is futile.  Don't get me started.  LOL

I am so grateful for the messages that God sends me.  It makes me feel special - and I don't have much of that in my life.  I didn't matter when I was growing up ---- and I don't really matter much in this life.  All I ever wanted to do what to help in the process of changing one person's life - and make a difference somehow.  I've done that.  It doesn't mean I'm done, because I'm not - obviously I wouldn't write if I didn't care.  My life is just pretty small right now.  It's okay - it's just a season.  Seasons come and seasons go.  It won't be like this forever.

Just remember understanding will not bring you peace, Jesus does that --- that's why the bible says - "Lean not unto you're own understanding'.  We really know so little, but think that we know so much.  We get so full of ourselves.  An we humanize God.  We need to stop doing this.  He is so beyond our comprehension.  We are but a dot on this little planet.  Lest we forget.

God Bless YOU!

Dealing with difficult people.

This is me, today after surgery yesterday morning.  Sorry I look so awful - but I did just have a sedptorihineoplasty.   My nose had been broken and was crooked, as well as having had a deviated septum.  The doctor corrected all of that - including breaking multiple bones, as well as restructuring the tip and the end that was coming out too far or "bulging" as he called it.  It is/was a very painful surgery - and I am in a great deal of pain as I write.  I was made to stay overnight for pain control due to the insolence of the pain clinic that I have to go to because of the chronic pain that I have.  There isn't anywhere else that will treat my pain.  The physician that is in charge there, flat out denied an additional pain meds post surgery.  Stating that what I currently on was enough.  I had a feeling he was going to do this because he has absolutely NO COMPASSION and IS INEPT in his profession.  How in the world can broken bone and cutting of flesh be covered by medication that isn't even managing my current level of pain - it has not been altered in over (at least 5 years) and my pain levels now are from 6-8 daily --- supposed to cover this pain?  I'm livid to say the least and just blown away.  I was frankly so enraged I was shaking.  

How does someone deal with a controlling maniac like this?  I told my ear, nose, and throat doctor that I'd just break my contract with them.  Of course, this leaves me in a lurch.  I'll tell you yesterday after surgery, I could have cared less.  I'm still in SO MUCH pain.  However, you see it is not him that is suffering.  He- we'll call him - Dr. O, has no negative affects.  He can still carry out his life with no side affects, and obviously has no conception of pain.  My doctor that did the surgery called and called him and explained what was done an it was still a definitive "NO".

What do I do now?  Obviously I have to deal with the pain.  That's a given, I have no choice because Dr. O has convinced my nose dr. that I will go into respiratory arrest if given anything stronger --- because he thinks he's the expert on pain medication.  I can tell you after having had three pain pumps and being on high levels of pain medications --- he is completely stupid.  Yes, I said he is quite unlearned about increased tolerance --- for I have had pharmacology in college.  He has as much as said to me that he will never change my meds.  This is insane...  I think he got his license off the internet... SERIOUSLY.  However there is nothing now that I can do.  I am completely powerless.

I ask myself what does this mean?  Why is this happening?  Does God have anything to do with this or is this just ruthless people?  I know that my Lord would not have me suffer like this.  I just know that.  I just refuse to believe that the God of my belief/understanding would not want me to suffer, that this has everything to do with this doctors ignorance.

So please, I'm asking for prayers.  I need them.  It seems to me that it's time for a change.  Obviously. God will direct me.  I do have an option - I think.  I will call in the morning - they open @ 6:00 a.m.
I have great faith.  I believe that this will turn out as it should, and that God has me, in the palm of His hand.  Yes, I'm suffering but no one said this life would be suffering free.  People at times are difficult, and we experience storms in our lives.  There is a reason that all of this is happening - I just have to stay open and humble until the end, or my answers come.  The Lord has an answer.  I will always, always have hope.

Thank you,  Gina

Present Pain

I hold my breath.  I actually cannot breathe.  In the midst of what I'm currently going through.  Oh - you'd never know to see me, talk to me, or ask me how I am.  It's only in the darkest recesses of my alone time, and with the trusted of friends that I share where my heart is now.  This current journey is perhaps the most difficult that I've ventured yet.  I hide from it as best I can.  Why, you might ask?  Because what's taking place is (and needs to be) completely consumptive and life changing.  My behavior needs to change in order for the proper identity to be instilled and cemented.  This is, in my belief -  one of the most damaging things that I've worked through as of yet.

I've found myself pushing the most important of persons, as far away from me - to the extent that I almost lost them.  I did not even realize what I had done, or was doing until a few days ago.  I dislike this grieving process just that much.  It isn't that I don't like to feel, I'm just NOT good at it.  The pendulum swings too wide for me - because of my intensity.  Hell, not even I can handle myself at times --- my sensitivity, and the range of emotions .  Try interacting with others attempting to "monitor" yourself.  I truly think I either feel or I shut them off.  It's an addict thing - pretty much as bad as I dislike it - black and white kind of emoting.  I liken to think myself an outside of the box person --- however there's certainly that all or nothing aspect to my persona.  I don't like that.  I try so hard not to illicit that.  I did not really realize how much I do utilize such processes until I started seeing Doc.  Then "bam", there it is in your face --- your lovely behavior on a plate for you to view.

I have had to force myself to communicate with God.  I'm baffled by this.  Oh, other than the fact that tears run the millisecond I utter a word of prayer or open my bible.  I suppose it has everything to do with the emotional pain.  Sometimes things just aren't even clear to me, the enlightened one..... lol.   What's so beautiful right now though is that God has answered my prayers!  I've found some exceptionally good friends.  Well, she found me.  I am so blessed right now.  An I say that facing surgery in four days - and even with the issues that I'm currently working on.  It is my nature to be grateful though --- I've learned this throughout life, I suppose it's my A.A. background.  Grateful folks tend to get drunk or high less often.  But it's more than that for me - I just have a huge heart, most of the time, full of joy.  That's God given, and no one can take this away.  As I think of it, that's my center - where my peace lives.  Given to me through a gift called grace - and the incredible Finished Work of Jesus Christ.  Grief may have it's moments, but it cannot have my being.

This is one of the reasons I write.  God speaks through me, for me, and to me.  It's such an absolute blessing.  My grandest hope is that someone, somewhere can relate - or finds inspiration in what I'm going through.  Even if I can't be specific right now --- just know no matter what the issue or circumstance and how bad it hurts - there is a Man names Jesus -- and He died for you.  As alone as I "feel" some times, and as much as I struggle, I will always triumph because of Him.  He is my Father, my Savior, the Author and the Finisher of my faith.  Even when I pull away from Him, He does not pull away from me, I believe He come closer because He knows that I'm hurting.  He was human, fully human, He suffered greatly - more than we can imagine -- His compassion is great.  He was the inventor of compassion and love, I think He understands!

I write to you today in pain, but with hope.  Always with hope and trust of better days ahead.  You see what I have is an identity problem still.  I do not fully accept and engulf who I know in my mind I am.   I am, my value -  higher than rubies.  A princess, the child of the Most High. The righteousness of God through Jesus Christ.    I cannot comprehend it yet.  I'm steady working on it, it's just that so much damage was done previously - the old me won't let go so easy.  It's taking  me (not God) quite a while to encapsulate the newness of my "new creation."  I already am this, I just need patience.  Everyone does.  It doesn't help that I'm avoiding feeding (reading my bible, praying - going to church).  I did go Sunday - my beloved previous pastor Paul was in town - and it was glorious.  He even preached about identity.  God is so amazingly awesome.  

I'm anxiously awaiting my session with Doc Friday.  It will be hard, but oh so necessary.  I'm changing, I can feel it.  Even though it hurts -- it's so good - this is so needed.  An God has given me friends to help me get through.  Hallelujah !!!  I am not so alone anymore!!!  He is so precious, and that even is an understatement of fact --- He's miraculous!!!!  I hope you know Him.  He has a purpose for all of us - we all have special gifts to bring into this world.  We're all each individuals, unlike any other -- with unique talents - may you find yours.

Thank you for reading this -- and please know that processing pain is not easy for anyone.  But it is worthwhile, and life changing.  We are not alone, not today, tomorrow or the hereafter.  God is love.  He invented it - and He created us so He could love us.  It's that simple.  When we hurt, He hurst for us.  Remember that.  It is pretty normal to push God away when we're hurting -- I am not certain why - but why doesn't matter.  Just draw near Him, and He will draw near you.  Believe me when I say -- there's nothing like it in this world.

God Bless,

Gina

A place to hide.

I wish I knew why it is that when I am going through difficult emotional periods, I seem to push God away.  I am not certain is I push - or if I just go through a period of choosing not to feel all together.  See, feeling things isn't one of my greatest endeavors - I tend to avoid it -- at all costs.  Most addicts do (recovering or active).  Most of the time a person that has been down the path of addiction did so at a ripe young age -- for me, I was eleven years old when my "career" began.  What is in the research is that the person just stops maturing when the chemicals begin.  They stop maturation emotionally at any rate.  Oh they keep on growing physically and for all intensive purposes they look like they're just like everyone else -- but they're not.  They're's many a defect.  Anyways ---

I'm working through some really difficult issues with Doc in therapy - the EMDR that I told you all about several months ago - (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) -  this is where a traumatic memory is taken, and processed by stimulating the right and left frontal lobes of the brain quickly -- through rapid eye movement - via memory.  This therapy is executed mostly for those that suffer from PTSD - but it is used for multiple therapeutic avenues who's burdened by traumatic memories.  It is used some for persons with Dissociative Identity Disorder also.  At any rate - I've been undergoing this therapy for almost a year now - and we are working on some very difficult memories.  It's a partial memory - and it's just the kind that I do not like doing.  Usually more is revealed, and I have no control over what comes and when.  The emotions involved are usually quite painful -- and I don't like the feelings of not having any control of what comes.  It is quite unsettling.  As one would imagine -- it produces fear - and anguish.  

I have found myself in a sort of a "frozen" mode.  I just choose to do nothing -- take no chances, so I have no chance of feeling anything.  It's safer.  I don't let God in, no people, no nada.  I basically sit in front of the television and veg.  Or at least I've done this for a few days or so -- I haven't read my bible, and I haven't been anywhere.  I am afraid of what might come.  One thing that does tend to happen with EMDR is dreams.  It's how the psyche processes the trauma.  I even try to sleep fast.  I know that this sounds crazy - but it's true.  

I've spent too much money - money that I didn't have.  I'm still in the addictive pattern and I've really wanted to use.  Really bad.  This is how I push my feelings down.  I would like nothing more then just to stay "comfortably NUMB".  However - I know in my mind that this is not good and today I cried because I did interact yesterday and I went and did my volunteer gig at the nursing home.  I really enjoy it.  But I got in touch with my loneliness again.  I really dislike holidays.  I'm always alone.  I often wonder if I will be alone the rest of my life.  I pray so hard to God for that not to be true.  Today it seems like it will be like this, the rest of my life, but I do have faith - that God knows and will give me the desires of my heart.  

This is the beauty about God.  His grace and mercy is so unbelievable.  He loved me and brought me through when I was so undeserving.  I guess you could say, although a very troubled individual, I've always had a compassionate heart - because I've been through so much as a person.  My heart has always hurt for others.  When you grow up and you're not wanted, it does something to you. 
You see life differently.  It can't but change your perception towards the things that are of love in your life.  The people that do love you are so precious.  Not feeling like you are "enough" makes you always try your hardest, at each and everything that you ever undertake.  You don't even comprehend the word.... quit.  It just isn't an option.  You do everything to the absolute best of your ability (and then some)... in hopes that you'll be accepted, loved, noticed, that you'll finally matter....etc.  The really sad part is that it is an endless battle because you're trying to gain acceptance from someone who's is more often than not - mentally ill.  In my case - my parent was.  I just did not know it.  

However, I got off track again because I was writing about Jesus - or I was trying to.  If it weren't for Him, I would have killed myself (I tried many times) a long time ago.  When I say I tried -- I didn't deliberately set out to do so -- with exception of when I was 21... I had a nervous break down.  But I often didn't care one way or another.  But God kept me alive.  He knew that I was needed for something.  I still do not know what that purpose was.  I used to think that it was for the counseling that I did - but those days are over.  Maybe it was for the ones that I helped.  However, I'm still here.  I've just really not been wanting to deal with anything here lately.  I suppose that it is good that I realized that today.  I have gone for months and not known what was going on.  Hell, to be honest, I've gone for years and not really had a real feeling because of my meds.  While I was on one of my meds, I really did not feel anything like I do now for almost six years.  That's scary when I think about it.  It's difficult to track when you have fibromyalgia - because tracking isn't something that you do well.  

I really dislike holidays.  I spent some time with a friend today but virtually I always end up alone in the end.  I have a difficult time thinking, believing that things will ever end any other way than this.  However that is how I'm feeling right now -- I don't know what God has in store for me.  I can't sense Him right now - I don't know what He is working on, I just try to do my part, as best I can and be the best person I know how to be -- and pray when I can. It's not been real often here lately, I've been hiding.  I did a lot of that as a child too- and that's become a defect of mine.  I've got some serious financial difficulties coming up.  I've shopped myself into a problem.  I'm going to have to pay the piper now and I don't know how I'm going to do it.  I'm scared, and I don't know what is going to happen.  I'm probably going to have to stop paying some of my bills because I have to eat.  There just isn't much I can do about that.  I've got a real problem with the spending.  It's got to stop.  It's time to call a halt on something.  I've got to face reality now.  I've been very irresponsible.  I don't know that it's that per se, it's the addiction, I don't know if I can stop.  It's really hard when you're hurting and can't deal with it and have no support system.  

I wish someone would try what I'm going through and let me know how they do it.  I'ts absolute hell.  The only place I get good feelings is shopping.  Every other aspect of my life is either lonesome or somehow painful.  It seems to be.  Like doc says - "you are alone, and it's not supposed to be like this".  He's alsolutely right.  It's excruciating at times.  Sometimes it's tolerable, but most of the time, it's pretty awful.  I envy my friends.  they have no idea  what it's like of they'd do something.  I would if I were they're friend.  It's very interesting.  It is always different on the needful end of things.  

I will keep my head up - and try to process things as they come.  In all earnestness what else can we do?  My finances turned out better than I expected - I'm broke but I got every one paid.  That's always my greatest fear, that someone won't get paid.  I'm a responsible spending addict - what an oxymoron.   Oh believe you me - I'm a walking contradiction --- I'm sure.  I do really try.  Being someone that is of integrity is very important to me.  That doesn't mean that I have to have money --- it pertains to how I carry myself.  People can be broke ---- and feel like the richest person on earth --- it's all about perspective.  I won't give you the glass deal but I will challenge you to try to live your life with attention, be mindful and  to it as it comes.  Yesterday is just that behind you.  Tomorrow --- well that will take care of itself when it arrives.  Live fully as best you can - and make it your aim to be especially kind.  Give of yourself to people less fortunate than yourself.  Be courteous to each and everyone.  Look and see awe and wonder in your everyday life --- you will find it.  Jesus will show it to you is you have faith that it exists.  

Challenge your self and your faith today --- push to be present and mindful.  Jesus will meet you there.  Arms wide open.  

In grace,
Gina